Brian was looking forward to tonight, hanging out in his favorite playground. He missed the familiar prowl and conquest of anonymous sex. But before he would go to Woody's and maybe Babylon, he wanted to attend a meeting. He knew Justin would be waiting for him and he was beginning to accept that AA was not all bullshit. He'd been sober for about a month and attending meetings for 3 weeks. He remembered his first meeting where he had stood up and voluntarily admitted that he was an alcoholic. Each meeting had him examining his life, but with each area uncovered, there seemed to be more questions he needed to answer.
Justin and Brian had talked about Michael on several occasions. While he was supposedly Brian's best friend, he definitely had a role in Brian's drinking. Today's conversation was another one to add to the books. Brian was definitely struggling with his relationship with Michael. His friendship with him was long-standing, but when he thought about the last month, he realized that he'd not really talked to him very much. He'd avoided him as he was fairly certain that Michael would push him to drink, return to Babylon and Woody's. As usual, Brian had more half-finished thoughts, but these actually were occurring before the meeting, not afterward.
Brian found Justin talking at the coffee table. He didn't want to interrupt; therefore, he took the familiar styrofoam cup, filling it with coffee and a generous helping of sugar. Just as Brian finished stirring his drink, Justin turned toward him.
"Are you ready for tonight?"
"Sure. I talked to Mikey," Brian said, the frown on his face evident.
"Sounds like it didn't go too well?" Justin asked. He took a sip of his coffee and walked toward the circle of seats.
Brian followed him. "Yeah. It seems that 'no, I'm not drinking anymore' doesn't compute in his brain," Brian said, putting air quotes on the statement. "When I explained that I wouldn't be drinking or doing any of Anita's drugs, he said okay, and then in the next breath told me he couldn't wait to share a few beers and hang out," Brian said. He sat down in the wooden chair and took a sip of his coffee. He winced at the bitter taste. "Why don't I ever remember that in general, coffee at AA meetings is usually no better than colored water?"
Justin ignored Brian's usual diatribe about the coffee and concentrated on the real message. "So, Michael might be a problem?"
"Maybe, but I already talked to Emmett and Ted and they agreed to distract him if he gets too pushy about the booze. I'm taking ownership of my drinking," Brian said, realizing that he was doing exactly what Ted suggested, coming up with a plan.
"I'll be there too," Justin said. He'd been thinking of his offer to go with Brian and he'd been questioning whether this was the right move. There was no AA police but there were accepted behaviors and typically going with the person you sponsored to a known drinking establishment appeared to be counterintuitive. Justin believed Brian when he told him that he went to Babylon to hang out and to pick up tricks and that the drinking was secondary. He had to wonder about that since Brian had chosen to stay away for a month, but he was willing to support him and give him the benefit of the doubt. He just hoped he hadn't made a bad decision and that Brian would suffer the consequences.
Before Brian and Justin could continue their conversation, the leader of the group spoke, "Hi, I'm Randy and today's topic is fear of intimacy. I know that sex is usually such a taboo subject even for people not in recovery, but I think it is a crucial topic and one I want to explore," Randy said. Brian looked at Randy who appeared to be in his late 30's with a boyish face. His blond hair was short and parted on the side. He wore a dark grey Henley and blue jeans. While he didn't feel that the man oozed sexual appeal, he appeared to be in reasonable shape, maybe participating in some favorite physical activity like dancing rather than going to the gym, but he did not appear to have a beer belly or a puffy face.
The small group nodded in silent agreement at the topic, but that was usually the case. In the month that Brian had been attending meetings, he rarely saw anyone outright object to a topic. Brian found the range of topics interesting as it gave him new food for thought after each meeting. Of course, that meant the hamster in his brain ran all the time, but he'd learned that he didn't mind his varied thoughts as much. After all, the constant fear of losing Gus had finally urged him into making an appointment with Kera and freeing his mind of that concern.
"I sat in a different group a while back and listened as the participants talked about feeling unworthy and how alcohol helped them. I'm going to go one step further and take it to the bedroom. Many alcoholics use sex for validation. If they can be successful in the bedroom, then they must have something going for them." Randy stopped and looked around the small circle of people. Again, he saw a lot of nodding but all eyes were on him. "Sex is the sharing of our body in the most intimate way possible, and when someone doesn't love themselves or really know who they are, then sex loses its uniqueness. There is a reason that starting new relationships is discouraged for at least 6 months and maybe longer when someone is beginning their sobriety journey. In order to share yourself with another person on that level, you need to know who you are."
"Hi, I'm John. I used to go to the bar around the corner from work every night. I'd pick up a woman most nights and take her home. We both understood it was quick, anonymous sex. I didn't have the energy or desire for anything long term."
'I'm Marsha," a black woman who wore jeans and a lightweight green sweater said. "I was that woman you picked up every night. When I was drinking, I'd go to the bar and whoever made an offer was the one I ended up with at night. One time, I thought I was pregnant and that really messed me up. I had slept with so many men and never knew anything about them. If I'd been pregnant, I would have no idea who the father was, let alone having to raise the kid by myself."
"I'm Carl and I know I'm not much to look at. I'm a balding, middle-aged man with a beer belly and obviously don't hit the gym as I should." He pointed to his bald head and belly and the group laughed a little at his statements. "But, I still could pick up women. I had a good job, drinking after work and on weekends was my history and no one suspected I was an alcoholic. I wanted what a lot of the guys in the office had; a wife to come home to and someone to care what happens to me."
Marsha said, "Do you have that now, that you aren't drinking? Do you think your drinking really interfered with your finding someone?
"Yes and Yes. While I only drank at night and weekends, it was beginning to impact my job as I was coming in later. Hangovers will do that to you. Anyway, my boss finally gave me an ultimatum; get clean or get fired. I still have my job. Anyway, after working the program I realized that I was using the one night stands to avoid getting to know someone. I didn't think anyone would want me so I drank to fill the loneliness and picked up women who gave me the illusion of intimacy. After I got sober and accepted that I had something to offer, I started dating and found a great woman. I've been sober for three years and we are very happy together.
Brian said, "I'm gay and it doesn't work like that in the gay community. Picking up anonymous men for sex is an accepted activity."
Randy asked, "There are a lot of gay men who get married and have partners."
"But that is not who I am. I don't want the white picket fence and 2.3 children. I don't care anything about the men with who I have sex. with. It's about getting off," Brian said, stating to him what was obvious, but not the norm for heterosexual.
"Don't use being gay as an excuse to avoid intimacy. Brian, has your sex life changed since you stopped drinking?" Randy asked. He had worked the program for over 5 years and during that time there were participants who discussed their sexuality during the meetings. He'd heard that sentiment a few times.
Brian bristled a little at the question. After all, he was the "Stud of Liberty Avenue". Everyone knew that Brian Kinney's fucks were legendary and to be chosen by him was considered a big kudos. Brian's motto of lying only because "they made you lie" still held true. He was not one to lie to make himself feel important or better than anyone. He hesitated for about 10 seconds before answering.
"Yes," Brian said. He had originally spoken as it irritated him when people applied their rules to everyone as if gays and heterosexuals were alike. He was an out and proud successful gay man. No one could argue that statement, and he was often the first one to put his sexuality out there.
"I haven't had sex as much, but that is more to do with my avoidance of Babylon and Woody's, the two gay bars that I go to," Brian said, excusing his behavior for lack of attendance at the bars.
"But if sex were truly just about getting off, you wouldn't need to go to the bars to find a partner? I'm sure that you could find them elsewhere," a young woman in her late 20's asked. She wore a white button-down shirt and black dress pants and she wore a little dusting of eye shadow and lipstick. Her makeup was not overdone, just highlighting her eyes in subdued neutral tones and her cheeks were tinged with color. Her black hair was parted in the middle and edges framed her face with layers that got longer as they moved toward her shoulders. "My name is Delilah and I am a lesbian. I like going to bars too, but I can find partners in lots of places."
Carl spoke again. "Brian, maybe you should really think about what sex means for you and if you are using it as another drug. Are you hiding your fears of intimacy in anonymous sex? Maybe your decline in sexual activity is due to introspection and a desire to have a more fulfilling relationship, not just a result of not hanging out in the bars."
Brian listened to the conversation and while he usually would defend his right to have anyone and everyone suck his cock, he decided that this was a topic that deserved his attention just like all the other topics that were brought up in the group.
Justin listened to the conversation and wondered how Brian was processing the information. The topic could not have been chosen on a better day. He hoped Brian would be willing to discuss it before they went to the bars. Maybe the upcoming visit would be aborted as Brian had time to work through the information. A part of him hoped that this would happen as he feared it might really be too soon for Brian to push his sobriety.
"I have zero interest in getting married; it is for heteros, not gays," Brian stated. "My parents were married and there was no love lost between them. Why would I need marriage to be miserable?"
Delilah nodded her head in understanding. As a lesbian, it was more common to have a long term partner, but not everyone wanted marriage. "Brian, as a lesbian woman, I don't necessarily want marriage either, and I believe that marriage is not for everyone. I've got a lot of straight friends who choose not to be married as well. I think you are confusing marriage with intimacy. The two are not mutually exclusive."
Brian hated being the center of the discussion. A few weeks ago, he would have most likely walked out of the meeting, but he'd attended enough meetings to know that sometimes there were one or two people who were the focus of the discussion. As usual, he was surprised by his willingness to even share some of his thoughts.
"Hi, I'm Justin. I've always wanted a partner, but haven't found the right person. Like Brian, I'm a gay man and have picked up random guys for sex. I don't think it's about picking up strangers for sex; lots of straight people do that. Sometimes you have an itch that you just can't scratch yourself.
The small group laughed at his statement and that eased the tension in the air. Even though Randy had prefaced the discussion with the warning of its typical taboo, and no one had objected, it still was more charged than usual.
Justin continued, "Think about the recent divorcee who is starting to date or the person who has chosen not to get married; they both may enjoy the one-night stand. It doesn't mean that they are afraid of intimacy."
Carl didn't want to argue, but he wanted to bring his point out again, "Brian, just think about why you have slowed down in the sex department? Is it because you have stopped going to the bars or is it something else?" Carl said, in a softer, kinder tone.
Randy said, "Intimacy is sharing your body with a person you care about, but sex is just an exchange of bodily fluids. They are very different. I'm not a therapist nor is this the place to analyze anyone, but I encourage anyone who is struggling with this area to seek professional help. Tonight's discussion was a good one and I appreciate everyone's participation, but our time is up. Coffee is in the back. Thank you for coming."
Several people turned toward their neighbors and appeared to be talking animatedly. Evidently, this was a hot topic as Randy had suggested. Justin looked at Brian as the meeting broke up and motioned for the door. After just a few weeks, he knew Brian preferred to process the information privately rather than at the coffee table. In addition, they were supposed to go to the bars later tonight. He wondered if the meeting would impact Brian's decision to move forward with his intended visit.
As they walked toward the exit, Justin asked, "Coffee shop around the corner. The one with the funky tables?"
"Sure, I'll meet you there." Brian walked toward his car, mulling over the meeting. The hamsters in his head were eagerly turning their proverbial wheel. He drove to the diner, parking his car and finding a booth in the back as they usually did.
Justin joined him a few moments later and they both picked up the menu from the metal holder at the end of the table.
Brian said, "What did you do when you first got sober?"
"Do?" asked Justin. He was pretty certain that Brian was talking about the sex question, but he did not want to assume anything.
"Sex. I guess the real question is was sex different for you before you got sober?" Brian took a drink from the glass of water that the waitress had placed on their table.
"The quick answer is yes, but that is really not the whole answer." Justin took a sip from his water glass as well and took a deep breath. He never thought that being a sponsor would involve so much deep thought on his part, It sure didn't seem that Jeremy struggled with his questions, but he was happy that Brian was coming to him.
"I have always wanted a partner, not necessarily marriage, but if I find the right person, sure that would be on the table. I think you were right that at some point in most people's lives sex is experimental and a way to get off. Eventually, the novelty wears off, but people like sex. It feels good and the endorphins set off by orgasms are amazing no matter if you are gay or straight." Justin stopped his explanation as the waitress walked up to the table.
"I'll have a cheeseburger and fries with a coke," Justin said.
"Chicken Caesar Salad with the dressing on the side," Brian said as the waitress looked at him, indicating he could order.
"Thanks, I'll have it right up. Anything to drink besides water?" She asked.
Both men shook their heads in denial.
"When I was drinking I picked up tricks a lot. It was part of the routine. I drank and I had sex. When I became sober, I still had sex, but the routine was gone. I really think it has more to do with my self-worth. Like Randy said in the meeting, intimacy is different than sex. I don't want to share my body with just anyone."
"So, you don't pick up tricks?" Brian asked, amazed that there was a gay man who didn't trick.
"No, I do trick, just not very often. I don't go out of my way to pick up some random guy, but if I see something I like or if I'm horny, sure I trick," Justin said as he placed the menu back in its holder.
"Someone, I think it was the guy named Carl, asked me if I was having as much sex now as I did when I was drinking. If I'm honest with myself, I'm not as interested in finding tricks. Early on, I picked up a few tricks, but most of the time, its too much trouble," Brian said, surprised at his answer. "I hadn't really thought about it until he asked. Sex was as much a part of my life as breathing." Brian placed his menu in the holder at the edge of the table. He would have never thought he would be discussing his tricking with anyone, but then he would have never believed two months ago that he hadn't had a drink in a month.
"You slowed down when you got sober. How long did it take you to start tricking again?" Brian asked. When he looked back on the last month, he could probably count the actual times he had sex. Not that he was into putting the proverbial notch on his bedpost, per se, but prior to his sobriety journey, he had sex so often that it would have been a chore to keep count. Oftentimes, when he came home from a meeting, it was just too much effort to troll for tricks.
"Maybe, three or four months. I wanted to be sure I could separate the two. Sex was an escape but also a way to feel good about me. Drinking was the same thing." Justin said. The waitress brought the food to the table and Justin inhaled the distinct aroma of charred meat. He opened the ketchup bottle and poured some on his plate. He didn't like to drown his french fries in ketchup but rather used the sauce as a dip.
Brian poured a little dressing on his salad and mixed the food together. He noticed it was made from mostly iceberg lettuce, but he accepted that they were there to enjoy the coffee and maybe a bite to eat rather than it being an upscale restaurant like he would take one of his clients. While not the highest quality of food, the diners and coffee shops Justin had chosen were not dives. He was thankful that Justin had a discriminating taste in coffee and that the places had acceptable food, not that Brian really cared about what he ate, but he did appreciate not wondering if he was going to get food poisoning from his meals.
"I thought I missed Babylon for the tricks, but now I'm not so sure," Brian said as he stabbed some lettuce with his fork. "I love the feel of the music thrumming through my body, but I'm not a dancer. As Carl said, I can pick up tricks anywhere, but I'm choosing not to very often."
"So what are you saying, Brian?" Justin was very pleased that Brian had chosen to explore the topic outside the AA meeting. He wasn't really surprised as Brian often mulled over the conversations from the meetings, but this was a very poignant one and had a significant impact on their planned excursion this evening.
"I think I'm saying that tonight may not be a good idea. I think, well I know, I need to figure some stuff out before I go to Babylon."
"Are you sure?" Justin asked, wanting to be certain that Brian was making his own decision, not one that he had pushed on him.
"Yes. I think I need to really figure out why I go. I don't dance. I can pick up tricks anywhere but haven't chosen to do that very often. I see my friends in other places. I think I'm going for Michael and I can't do that," Brian said. He got out his phone from his pocket and found the text icon. He quickly typed out a text telling Michael, Ted, and Emmett that something came up and he wouldn't be able to go tonight. "I'm sure in a few minutes my phone will start ringing. He doesn't handle no very well."
Justin was very proud of Brian at this moment. He was beginning to make decisions without prompting or questioning from Justin. He nodded his head in agreement and took another bite of his cheeseburger. "What are you going to tell him?"
"I'm not sure what I'll tell him, but I hope to make it clear that when I say no, I'm not going, it means no. We both have to change. I'm just not sure he understands that," Brian said as he stabbed some more salad with his fork, popping it in his mouth."
Before Brian had finished chewing his food, his phone rang. As he looked at the screen, it displayed Michael and Brian frowned, even though he expected the call. He swallowed his bite and answered the phone.
"Mikey, I'm not going tonight. Something came up," Brian said.
"What about later? Babylon is open pretty late and its Thursday night, you can come in late tomorrow. You are the boss," Michael said, trying to get Brian to change his mind. Michael was sitting in his living room, watching a rerun of Family Guy, eagerly awaiting the time that he was supposed to leave to meet Brian at Woody's. When he read Brian's text canceling their get together, it was like a physical blow. "It's been a month since we hung out at Woody's or Babylon. I know you miss it."
"No can do, Mikey. I don't know when I'll be hitting the bars or Woody's. Might be a while," Brian said. He wasn't ready to share with Michael that he was attending AA, but he would let him know that he wasn't planning on going to the bars. He silently hoped that Mikey would offer a different place for them to meet or another activity for them to enjoy. If so, then maybe there was more to their friendship than Mikey watching out for Brian.
Brian waited for Michael to offer some alternatives, but the only thing coming from the other end of the phone was silence.
After a few moments, Michael said, "I hope whatever you are doing is worth missing out on Babylon and Woody's." Then Michael hung up.
"Ouch," Brian said as he put the phone back into his pocket. "He wasn't happy and ended the phone call by telling me that he hoped that whatever I was doing was worth missing out on Babylon and Woody's. I guess I really do need to figure some things out."
"I'm proud of you, Brian. You are beginning to question your life, not just your drinking. Identifying your triggers to drink is just as much a part of sobriety as attending meetings. Introspection and getting to know yourself are a huge part of the journey," Justin said as he smiled his megawatt grin.
"But you said you would go to the bars. Why would you say that if you thought it was a bad idea? I thought your role was to keep me sober," Brian said, questioning Justin about his earlier agreement to go with him.
"You were so eager to go and so sure that you were going to hang out with your friends, not to drink or have sex. My role as your sponsor is to help you process what you learn in meetings and to be a sounding board. I'm not a little devil and angel that sit on your shoulder and whisper in your ear, do this or do this. Sobriety is about free will." Justin did not like to lecture and felt that in this instance the statements left unsaid were just as important as the ones spoke. Brian had come to his own conclusion that going to the bars at this point in his recovery was not in his best interest.
Brian laughed as he thought of tiny Justins sitting on his shoulders in an angel and devil suit respectively. He took his hands and pretended to flick both imaginary figures off his shoulders.
"You agreed even though you weren't sure it was the right thing to do?"
"Yes. I hoped that you would change your mind, like you are doing. If you decided to go, I could support you by distracting you if you felt the desire to drink. You could just tap me on the shoulder and we could walk outside and work through it," Justin said explaining his thought process. He took another bite of his cheeseburger, closing his eyes as he enjoyed the mingling flavors of melted cheese and cooked meat.
"So, do you think I'll ever see the inside of Babylon or Woody's again?" Brian asked, wanting the answer to be yes, but stealing himself for a no."
"Never say never, Brian. I go to the bars as does your friend Ted. We just don't make it our only outlet for recreation. I'm not here to dictate your every move or to tell you what you can and can't do. I'm here to be a sounding board and to help you in whatever way I can."
"Thank you," Brian said. "It's nice to have someone on my side who doesn't have an ulterior motive." Brian ate another bite of his salad. " I've been feeling tense ever since we left the meeting. As I listened to Delilah and Carl and even Randy, I realized their statements were worth exploring. Delilah was right; I could pick up tricks anywhere and don't need an excuse to go to Babylon or Woody's to find men."
Justin drank some of his water, realized it was almost empty and waved the waitress for a refill. As he waited for her to come to the table, he looked at Brian. Brian's shoulders were more relaxed than when they sat down and his forehead had lost the tight wrinkles he got when he was thinking.
"Unconsciously, you have been changing. Have you thought about why you don't pick up tricks at other places?" Justin drank from his newly filled glass of water and waited for Brian to answer.
"Until tonight, I don't think I was consciously aware that I hadn't been picking them up. Working, tricking and going to the bars has basically been my life for as long as I can remember. Once Gus was born, I carved out time for him. Like I said a few times, I have no idea what to do with my life now that I'm not drinking," Brian said and then ate the last bite of his salad.
"Brian, it's been a month since you took your last drink. You've been drinking for years. Your life isn't going to change overnight. Give it time. Figure out who you are and what you want from life and then make a plan," Justin said, encouraging him. "Every former alcoholic has to reinvent themselves."
Brian nodded his head in agreement. "More work for the hamsters," he said, joking. "Thanks again for supporting me, even when I make poor choices."
"Your welcome. So, what are you going to do with your unexpected free night?" Justin asked. He wanted Brian to start making his life outside of the bars. Tonight was the perfect night to start.
"I'm not sure, but I know it won't involve drinking," Brian said as he smiled at his companion.
TBC