The rest of the dinner passed in somber silence, apart from when Celica asked the others a question, which was always answered as thoroughly as possible. Then, Zaveid and Velvet helped Rokurou back to the priests' bunker, and Eizen went with them, taking one of the cots in the shack that wasn't already claimed by his sister or parents, the latter of whom simply slept quietly, not disturbing their children. By some unspoken consensus, all four seraphim sheltered inside of Eizen for the night, and despite their shared pain, he was glad for the feeling of companionship as he fell into a fitful sleep.
Morning dawned, but the agony felt as raw and unbearable as it had the previous day. Eizen got up and dressed himself robotically, cleaning up and offering grunts of greetings to his parents and sister before stepping outside. Sunlight shone on him, but didn't warm him, and his seraphim emerged to stand by his side.
"So," Sahra said in a subdued tone, "I guess we…go look for Niko now?"
"No," Eizen replied, and he took a step forward before turning around to face all of his seraphim. "Maotelus is looking into something for me, and he'll be back tomorrow morning. What he tells us might change how we approach Niko for the final battles, so I don't want us leaving Ladylake until we have the information we need. Today, we'll just…take a break, I guess. Hang out."
No one smiled, or moved. With all the anguish that reverberated through his body with each beat of his heart, the idea of 'taking a break' felt like a bad joke to Eizen.
Just another one of life's cruel, sick jokes…
The Shepherd blinked as something connected in his mind. "Edna, Sahra, Lucine," he sighed, "you're all free to do what you want today. Zaveid…please come with me. I need to talk to you, in private." He raised his eyebrows very slightly at Edna, offering an invitation to spy on them if she felt like it, and her fraction of a nod told him she would follow.
"About what?" Zaveid asked, his eyes narrowing.
"Just come with me," Eizen told him, and he turned his back and started walking.
At the Ladylake marketplace, the girls hesitated before splitting off from the boys and going their own separate ways, while Eizen led Zaveid towards the Sanctuary.
"The Sanctuary?" Zaveid asked. "I thought you said you wanted to talk in private. You really think it'll be empty in there?"
"It has to be," Eizen stated. "That's where she is, and I want to talk to you there."
"It ain't your Sanctuary, Shepherd," Zaveid reminded him, "and it's not like I'm gonna tell everyone inside to clear out."
"Let's just see what there is to see," Eizen sighed, pushing the doors open.
Miraculously, it was apparently early enough that no commoners had come to pray yet, or maybe everyone just wanted to leave the place alone after the previous evening's events. There were priests, of course, and Uno stood by his vessel, but Eizen stepped forward all the same.
"Shepherd," one of the priests greeted him, turning from his companion at the sound of the opening door.
"Please leave us," Eizen told the holy men; he was in too much pain to care about etiquette. "I need to speak with my Prime Lord alone, and I'd like to do it in here. We need solitude."
"As you wish," another priest bowed. "We shall ensure that no one disturbs you."
"Thank you," Eizen said, blinking with surprise at the gesture, and the men all left for the exits; even Uno walked outside, leaving Eizen and Zaveid completely alone, unless Edna was lurking somewhere unseen after sneaking in through the priests' departures.
Without a word, Eizen walked up the steps to the altar of the Sacred Blade and sat down behind it, cross-legged, his eyes drawn to the spot where Sadie had last been. Behind him, Zaveid sat back, leaning against the short wall between the altar and Uno's vessel and tucking his hands behind his head, his legs extended and crossed. "Listen, kiddo," the wind seraph sighed, "I'm sorry for losing my temper yesterday-"
"I don't want to talk about that," Eizen said quickly, turning around to face his uncle.
"Then what's this about?" Zaveid asked.
Eizen let out a heavy breath. "Sadie's gone," he said, the words torn from within him more painfully than if he'd ripped his own lungs out through his throat. "She was going to marry me, we were in love, and then she died in my arms, and I couldn't help her, I couldn't do anything but watch. You…are the only person I know who understands what that feels like."
Any remnant of happiness or casualness in Zaveid's face was snuffed out, though his posture didn't change. "Do you really need my advice?" he asked. "What you said to Niko yesterday was the noblest thing I ever heard; you already made your choice."
"It was easy to say it then, when Niko was there," Eizen said. "But when I'm alone…"
"Alone with the pain," Zaveid finished, nodding. "I hear ya. But I don't know what you want me to say. You want me to tell you it gets easier? It doesn't. You want me to tell you how to live with the pain? Hell if I know. The only thing I can say is, don't do what I did."
"What did you do, uncle?" Eizen asked desperately. "Theodora died fifteen hundred years ago, and you're still here, you're still alive-"
"Debatable," Zaveid muttered.
"I'm not in the mood for jokes, uncle Zaveid!" Eizen snapped, his voice cracking. "You lost the woman you loved, too, and you're here now! I need to know how you did it!"
Zaveid's orange eyes met his for a long, somber minute; something behind those red-brown irises seemed haunted, deeply so, and Eizen felt a flicker of fear as to what exactly the eventual response might be, though even fear couldn't last long in the face of the relentless agony of his broken heart. Then, the Prime Lord sighed heavily and closed his eyes.
"Yeah," he conceded, "you do need to know, so you don't make the same mistake. I've never told anyone what I did, and I thought I never would…heh," he chuckled humorlessly, "it's almost funny; Edna's been asking me to tell this story our whole journey. She didn't need to know…but you do, so I'm gonna tell ya. I've never told it before, and I'm not gonna tell it again, so listen carefully…to the story of my greatest sin."
"Greatest sin?" Eizen repeated, blinking. "Uncle…what did you do?"
Another sigh came from the centuries-old wind seraph, this one even heavier, and at last, he looked up again, revealing an expression of raw emotion that shook Eizen even through his unbearable grief. "I gave up," the Prime Lord answered.
"You…what?" Eizen asked, baffled.
"I gave up," Zaveid repeated.
"Gave up on…?"
"Everything," Zaveid said; "life, the world, myself, everything I believed in, I turned my back on everything and-" He broke off and shook his head, rubbing a hand over his face. "Look, I ain't telling this right. Gimme a minute, I never thought I'd have to explain this to anyone."
Eizen was more than willing to let Zaveid gather his thoughts, but as he waited, he couldn't really feel anything in response but confusion. Giving up, a great sin? It wasn't a good thing, sure, but to call it a 'greatest sin', especially for someone like Zaveid…
After a minute, Zaveid exhaled slowly. "Guess there's nothing for it but to just lay it all out," he muttered, more to himself than his human nephew, and he took another long, deep breath, leaning back in his seat and fixing his eyes on some point in the middle distance.
Despite himself, Eizen perked up, focusing every ounce of his attention on the wind seraph - Zaveid never opened up, so if he was going to do so now, then Eizen absolutely had to listen closely.
"I'm not gonna say anything cheesy like 'my heart died with her'," Zaveid began at last, "because that ain't what happened…as much as I wish it had been. No, my heart didn't die with my girl; I know it didn't, because after she was gone, I still had the ability to feel…and what I felt was pain. Incredible, unbearable pain, pain that consumed everything I was, pain that broke me down every moment of every day. It wasn't fair, y'know? My girl was the most beautiful soul to have ever graced this earth, and she was twisted into a monster, while I…I'd never been the pinnacle of purity, not even back then, and I'd escaped unharmed, all because…" Zaveid's expression twisted, his fists clenching, and Eizen blinked, realizing he'd never wondered why the malevolence that corrupted Theodora never took hold of Zaveid too. "All because I went and got captured by the Abbey," he growled.
"Oh, that's right, you were a tethered malak!" Eizen exclaimed, recalling his parents' story of the original way people with resonance had used seraphim to combat malevolence.
"Briefly," Zaveid nodded. "And that was only because…because when those bastards started rounding up malakhim and putting them under the Suppression, eventually finding where my girl and I were living with the kids we were trying to protect, I gave myself up so she could escape." His face was a mask of raw agony as he stared into space, remembering. "See…when Innominat awoke, the exorcists started capturing malakhim and using them to fight the hellions, but they didn't take us all at once - the world was too big for that, and Innominat was too weak to pull off a blanket suppression of us all, at least at first, so they had to go out of their ways to hunt us down. My girl and I lived pretty far out of the way, and we coulda laid low, but…" He smiled wistfully. "Well, she wasn't the type to just sit back and watch as the world went to hell. Hell, she wasn't the type to just sit around even when everything was good, she was always living full speed…Anyway, back then, the only cure for corruption was death, so once everyone could see hellions, the world was thrown into absolute chaos, lives and homes and families were torn apart…and kids were left alone, with nothing, for no reason."
Eizen flashed back to the end of the Earth Trial, when Zaveid had been so wrecked by the identity of the Minotauros. "And you and Theodora took them in, right?" he remembered out loud. "You adopted them…"
"My girl loved everything that lived, but she used to say that there was nothing in this world more precious or more important than a child," Zaveid said, and Eizen wasn't sure if his uncle had heard him or not. "Once everyone could see malakhim, even though we weren't safe - not from the Abbey, and not from malevolence - she insisted on taking in any kids we found. We laid low with 'em as best we could, of course; only trouble was, malakhim don't need to eat, but humans do. So I went out and…ah…hired, some human chefs to cook for the kids for us, and…maybe that's how we got found out." He shrugged. "Or maybe not, maybe they would've found us anyway, the bastards had their ways, so I can forgive myself for that. But not for…not for what happened when they came for us." Pain crossed the wind seraph's face again, and Eizen was silent. "See…much like our dear, late Squire, the people rounding us up had no idea we were people. They didn't know we lived lives, formed families…loved. Why would they think that? According to their savior, malakhim were just tools - and to be fair, he didn't lie to them about that, he just left out the part where his followers were just as much tools as we were as far as he was concerned. Actually…" Zaveid frowned, blinking with what looked like surprise. "Come to think of it…he gave up too, didn't he?" he mused.
Eizen blinked too, recalling the story of Shepherd Artorius's despair, how he couldn't save his wife - Eizen's own aunt - from a hellion attack, and gave up on himself and the world in response…and with that connection made, the idea of giving up being a terrible sin started to come together.
"How about that?" Zaveid chuckled humorlessly. "I'm just as bad as Shepherd Artorius…Hell, I'm worse…Anyway, what was I saying?" The Prime Lord shook himself, returning to the present. "Oh yeah. So, I knew that, if I gave those Abbey bastards no reason to think anyone was living in our place but me and some humans, they wouldn't look too hard for more malakhim. I told my girl to hide, and then I went out, obediently playing the tool, and let 'em put me under the Suppression, to keep her safe. And it worked, at least at the time." He shook his head. "But after Van Aifread used Siegfried to bring me back and all that went down, I went straight back to find her…only to find out she'd turned in my absence, that the fate I'd saved her from had actually saved me from ending up permanently worse than dead…in her place. Just another one of life's cruel, sick jokes-"
As he spouted the catchphrase he used to dismiss such things, Zaveid choked on the words with a sob. Eizen stared, amazed to see just how deep the guilt ran in his hell-may-care uncle.
After composing himself for a moment, Zaveid lifted his face again, balling his fists. "It should have been me," he growled. "I thought I was protecting her, but in reality, I abandoned her to an even worse fate, and saved myself instead. And then I abandoned her again, and let that bastard put her down." He shook his head. "It should have been me…Why couldn't it have been me?…"
"Sadie died to save my life," Eizen said softly, his own anguish swelling in his chest as he remembered that horrible moment when his Squire had pushed him out of the way of the dragon's jaws. "I feel…the same, I guess. Like it should have been me who died, not her."
"It's not the same!" Zaveid snapped, glaring up at him. "It was my actions that caused it, it was my fault!"
Eizen flinched. "You were trying to keep her safe, though," he pointed out. "You were just trying to protect her, you couldn't have known-"
"Yeah, yeah, I know," Zaveid cut him off with a glare. "I know…" He sighed. "…and that's why failing her like that is only the second-worst thing I've ever done. My greatest failure, maybe, but not my greatest sin."
"So your greatest sin is…?"
"I told ya," Zaveid responded; "my greatest sin was how I handled it…or didn't handle it. I couldn't handle it. How could I? How could I just move on? It was all my fault, and it wasn't fair, it shouldn't have happened to her; but it did, and now I was alone, without her, without the woman who gave my world meaning, who made everything beautiful and inspired me to embrace life and live it to its fullest. It hurt…so damn much…Everything was pain after that. Everything.
"Back then, my only friend in the world was your namesake." Zaveid gave a dark, horrible chuckle. "Now there's a cruel, sick joke for ya: my only friend in the world was the man who killed my girl. To his credit, he did try to help me…" The wind seraph scowled. "But what the hell did he know?" he grumbled. "The only person he ever loved was alive and well - and sure, he couldn't be around her 'cuz of his Reaper's Curse, but they exchanged letters, he sent her gifts, he knew she was happy and safe. How the hell could he ever truly understand what I'd lost, what he'd taken from me? What right did he have to advise me on how to carry on, when I was trapped in a miserable life without my girl, my everything, all because I tried to save her? He kept telling me to just deal with the pain, but there was no pushing through the agony, it hurt too damn much!"
He took a breath to calm himself and shook his head again, then continued.
"I told him a couple times about an idea I had for an oath to make it all bearable: no more emotions, in exchange for no more pain," he went on. "It was a fair trade, I thought, but he wouldn't have it. Kept talking about how using seraphic power to suppress emotion was Innominat's answer to everything, and how that never ended well, as I knew from experience - kept shaming me for trying to find an easy escape, for wanting to go back to the nothingness, even if it was on my own terms. And it worked. I never took that oath. Instead I just kept going, trying to take each day as it came. Nothing made me feel better, the pain never eased. Living without my girl was like living without sunlight, without air, and nothing made it easier, nothing made it bearable. Years went by, and I tried to push through…but I was too weak, and finally, I couldn't take it anymore." Another sigh. "So, I did the only other thing I could do: I retreated to some isolated little corner of nowhere - place probably doesn't even exist anymore - and began the long, slow, painful process of destroying every last bit of me that gave a damn."
"Huh?" Eizen managed. "I…I don't understand…"
"See," Zaveid said heavily, turning his eyes on Eizen again, "I knew what you know: that the reason it hurt was because I cared. So long as I cared, so long as there was some part of me that was good, I would still suffer, the pain would never end. But I wasn't strong, not like you; I didn't care what I had to do, what I had to sacrifice, to make the pain go away. It was no easy feat to pull it off without getting seraphic oaths involved, I can tell ya that - I'm not even sure it would be possible for a human. But I isolated myself and took my heart apart, piece by tiny piece, hardening it, smothering it, and scattering its remains to the wind. I knew I had to stop feeling, had to stop caring - 'Stop caring,' I told myself, 'just stop caring, the world doesn't care about you, it didn't even care about her, why should you care about it?' It didn't matter what I would become, didn't matter that I was damning myself to hell, I figured hell couldn't possibly be more agonizing than the pain I felt back then, nothing could ever hurt me more than losing her. And I knew what I would become - a scoundrel, a bastard, a sinner, on top of being a coward who couldn't handle the world - and I didn't care about that either. All I knew was that I had to make the pain stop, no matter what it turned me into. Didn't matter that I'd be the villain of every story I was ever part of after that, didn't matter that I'd be worthless and damned, nothing but scum, I didn't care, I just had to make it stop. My heart tried to fight back; every single day, for years, it almost felt like my soul was asking me if I was really sure this was what I wanted to do, if I really wanted to give up and destroy everything about me that had any value, and I always answered yes, yes, I was willing, just as long as the pain went away." He sighed again. "Then, one day, I woke up…and found that I didn't have to try anymore. My soul was empty, my heart was cold and dead…and I could breathe again."
Eizen shook his head. "I don't understand," he repeated. "Despair is a form of malevolence. How did you not turn into a dragon?"
"Oh, I was tempted, trust me," Zaveid told him. "To just not be myself anymore, to forget everything I'd ever known and everything I'd ever been? Hell yeah, that was mighty damn tempting. But…I couldn't. I couldn't take that step. If I ended up like my girl, it would be an insult to her memory - the only reason I wasn't a dragon already was because she died in my place, if I turned anyway then she would have died for nothing. 'Course, by then, we seraphim were able to produce malevolence of our own, and I was producing a hell of a lot of malevolence - not just despair, mind you, but selfishness and cowardice, and also hatred-"
"Hatred?" Eizen repeated, surprised.
Zaveid's orange eyes glared at him. "I hate this world, kiddo," he stated. "I despise this cold, miserable world, a world that would take a beautiful heart like hers and turn it into an instrument of destruction, a world that would turn sisters against brothers and fathers against sons, a world that would leave children hurt and alone without having done anything to deserve it, a world that's so rife with cruel, sick jokes. I hate it here, I hate this life. And come to think of it, I've embodied all eight forms of malevolence in my time. Greed and lust? Obviously. Conceit? I mean, have you seen me?" he asked, spreading his arms, and a surprised chuckle forced its way out of Eizen's throat. "And obsession…well…" Zaveid let out another deep breath. "That came later, I guess. Like I said, I was producing malevolence, but I couldn't let myself turn into a dragon, I just couldn't. So, instead, I took an oath: For every bit of malevolence in this world that I destroyed, a chunk of the malevolence within me would go with it."
"Destroy malevolence?" Eizen repeated, confused all the more. "But…But you didn't have the power of purification…"
"Nope," Zaveid grinned nastily. "But I had Siegfried, and that's just as effective. So, I became a hunter - I hunted hellions down and took 'em out."
"You killed hellions," Eizen breathed; it was a stunning realization, considering how he knew his uncle felt about killing.
"I saved hellions," Zaveid corrected, his eyes narrowing, "just like your namesake did for my girl. It was the only way I could get by without ending up like her. When I finally returned to the world, I was a different man…a broken man. I never told your namesake what I'd done, but I think he probably knew; at least he had the decency not to lecture me. Maybe he just knew there'd be no point, but more likely it had to do with his damn creed about how living means making your own damn choices." The venom in Zaveid's voice as he talked about the seraph Eizen had been named after surprised Eizen - he'd thought Zaveid and the seraph in question had been friends, but it sounded like Zaveid had hated the man. This made it all the more baffling when Zaveid continued, "We still hung out even after I came back, of course, we drank together and fought together whenever our paths crossed, comrades…friends, with a bond of understanding between us - until he went and turned into a dragon himself, that is. Apart from that, though, for a thousand years, I was obsessed with the hunt; my life was one long string of hellion kills and one-night stands. And then-"
"Wait," Eizen interrupted, "one-night stands?"
"Yeah, you know," Zaveid smirked, waggling his eyebrows. "Hit-'n'-runs?"
Eizen blinked, completely lost.
"Love 'em and leave 'em?" Zaveid prompted. When he still didn't get a reaction, he pointedly added, "With the ladies?"
"Oh! R-Right," Eizen stammered, blood rushing to his cheeks as it clicked. Despite his embarrassment, though, he also felt a surge of curiosity. "Did that help?" he asked.
"Did what help what?" Zaveid responded.
"Your, uh…" Eizen cleared his throat uncomfortably. "…one-night stands, did they…help you feel better?"
Zaveid shrugged, folding his arms behind his head again. "I mean, I have no complaints, it's not a bad life," he replied. He gave a lopsided smile and added, "It wouldn't work for you, though."
"Why not?" Eizen asked, more out of curiosity than because he actually disagreed.
Zaveid laughed. "Heh heh heh, listen to you," he chuckled, and he shook his head, taking a breath. "Well, kiddo, it's really simple. In order to live like that, the first step you gotta take is to do the one thing we've already determined you ain't gonna do: give up."
"How come?" Eizen questioned, not seeing the connection.
"Just trust me on this one," Zaveid advised. "It takes a…an exceptionally broken, empty, heartless sort of man to share his body with a lady for a night, then get up and walk away without looking back like it never happened."
"Er…right," Eizen managed, his face still hot. "When you put it that way, I…I guess I can't really see myself living like that."
"Nor would I want you to," Zaveid nodded, almost approvingly. He waited a beat, then went on, "In my defense, I never lie to them. I'm always completely open and up-front with exactly what a girl can and can't expect of me - I tell 'em, 'I'll give you the best night of your life, but I'll be gone in the morning, and if you ever happen to see me again, I'll act like we never met.'" He shook his head, not quite ruefully. "Kinda sad how few of 'em actually listen, but hey, at that point, it ain't my fault if they decide to get invested and end up with broken hearts, I told them the truth and their choices are their own fault."
It was the casual, dismissive way Zaveid referred to the women he'd been with as "them", more than anything, that drove his point home for Eizen. It was like listening to a bee talk about the flowers it had gathered nectar from over the years - maybe some were memorable, but all of them were ultimately meaningless, nothing but a means to an end and spared no more than a passing thought.
"Uncle Zaveid," Eizen said slowly, "can I ask…how did you end up doing that? I mean, it just…it seems like a weird step to take, after…after losing someone…"
"I mean, it wasn't that big of a leap," Zaveid shrugged. "I've never had a problem with giving attention to the ladies." For the first time since they'd started talking, he actually gave a real, full smile, gazing off into the distance as he recalled a fond memory. "My girl used to think it was adorable," he reminisced. "Kept teasing me about how, for all my dirty jokes, I was nothing but a big softie underneath - 'a proper gentleman', she used to call me." He chuckled, and then the humor was wiped from his face as he remembered all over again what had become of the woman who had said those things.
But Eizen was shocked. "You mean you flirted with other girls even when you were with Theodora?!" he exclaimed.
"Well, define flirting," Zaveid responded, giving another shrug. "I said what was on my mind, that's all. But if a girl ever happened to reciprocate, which…" He frowned. "…come to think of it, happened surprisingly often back then…well, I'd just step back and say, 'Sorry, sweetheart, I'd love to show ya a good time, but if I did, my girl'd kick my ass.'" He threw up his hands for emphasis.
"Would she?" Eizen questioned.
"Eh, maybe," Zaveid answered dismissively. "My girl wasn't a violent woman, but she was passionate. In the end, though, that was never the point - the point was to convey the message, that I was taken and I wasn't gonna stray. Most chicks got it; some didn't, but I'd always cut and run immediately if that happened." Zaveid took another breath, then continued, "But after my girl was gone - and, more importantly, after I gave up - well, I didn't have any reason to say no anymore, did I? So I didn't." He gave an empty grin, and this time there was some ruefulness to the expression. "Admittedly, I mighta gotten kinda hooked," he confessed. "To answer your question, yes, it does make me feel better - no worries, no cares, no strings attached, just pure fun. Plus, getting to not think for a few hours is always a nice little bonus." Another dark, nasty chuckle followed this statement. "Heh heh…the simplest way to temporarily escape from my sins is to commit even more. It's just another one of life's cruel, sick jokes."
"Not think?" Eizen repeated.
Immediately, Eizen regretted his question, as Zaveid turned an evil smile on him. "Tell me something, kiddo," he smirked, "when you kissed Sadie after she agreed to marry you, were you thinking?"
"Well…" Eizen recalled the incredible, thought-destroying bliss that had filled him as he and Sadie had kissed each other with nothing holding them back. "No, but-"
"Now imagine if you'd actually let me and my Sub Lords give you some private time and you'd gotten to go all the way with her," Zaveid continued, still smiling wickedly, and he snickered. "Kiddo, if you'd gotten to ride off into the sunset with your girl like you wanted, you wouldn't be doing much thinking at night, believe you me."
Heat surged up to Eizen's head; his face felt hotter than it had when he'd burned it for the Fire Trial. Desperately casting around for some means to change the subject, he asked, "You said that was your life for a thousand years? Not fifteen hundred?"
"Well, no," Zaveid sighed, his face falling again as they got back on topic. "See, like I told ya, after a few centuries, your namesake went and turned into a dragon, and I of course had a promise to keep: that I would kill him. Even a wind seraph can't outrun a dragon, but when he flew off, I knew where he was headed - he told me about the mountain where he was born all the time, and exactly how to find it, so I'd be ready for this eventuality, since dragons tend to head for the earthpulse points where the seraphim they used to be were born…like my girl did. So I made my way to Rayfalke Spiritcrest, and sure enough, I could feel his malevolence even from the base. Siegfried in hand, I climbed all the way to the top, and I found him, all right…but as soon as I saw him, I also saw her."
"Her?"
"Edna," Zaveid said in a pained voice. "She was right there, in front of the dragon who used to be her brother…trying to talk him down, trying to appeal to the man he'd once been. I knew who she was the moment I laid eyes on her - your namesake had described her to me often enough. She was pleading with him, desperate to get her brother back, and I…well, I couldn't help but see myself, y'know? After all, I'd done the same with my girl after she turned. I still had a promise to keep, of course, and I stepped forward and tried to take him down…but then Edna tried to stop me, actually used her earth powers to try to drive me off and protect her brother, and in that moment, I knew…I couldn't do to her what he'd done to me. I just couldn't. Even if he hadn't begged me to protect her with his last sane moments in this world, I…I couldn't run the risk that someone else would end up like me." He sighed heavily. "So I ran. Coward that I am, I turned my back on the one thing I had left to do in this world and ran away, killing other hellions instead to counterbalance the malevolence that ate away at me.
"I never forgot, of course - I'd wanted to kill the bastard for centuries, and now I finally could, his presence was always at the back of my mind no matter where my hunts took me. I'd work hard to try to steel myself, gather the resolve I needed to do what I had to, then go back to the Spiritcrest one more time…and almost as soon as I saw Edna, I'd always lose my nerve and give a halfhearted attempt before running away again. This went on for hundreds of years, and me too cowardly to just kill him…"
But it didn't sound like cowardice to Eizen; it sounded like compassion, like he really cared about Edna, despite his claim that he'd destroyed every part of him that could care about anything. Though Zaveid clearly believed what he was saying, his story didn't add up, and Eizen wondered if the seraph himself could see that or not.
"And then," Zaveid continued, "during one of my many visits to the mountain to try and put your namesake down for good, I happened upon a human and a couple of seraphim who were fighting a hellion way stronger than the three of them combined. The thing was carrying a lot of malevolence, and I decided to step in and take it out myself…and the trio I'd saved went and got mad at me for killing it." He laughed, almost fondly. "I knew, of course, I'd stumbled across the latest Shepherd, I mean, who the hell else would he be? And they were about to go charging right into a dragon's lair without much more strength than a newborn puppy. So, with them mad at me, and me not particularly wanting them to end up making my job more difficult - and seeing an easy way out, at least for the day - I made sure they didn't plan on fighting the dragon, then picked a fight with 'em to drive the point home that they were powerless. They didn't manage to do much damage, but I went easy on 'em and let 'em smack me around just enough that I could make the excuse that I wasn't strong enough to fight a dragon myself and run away again. Soon as I was injured enough, I called off the fight and left.
"I didn't think much of it at the time - it was just a funny happenstance, a little blip in my endless hunts. But then, a few days later, I was out hunting in Westronbolt Gorge, and I ran into that same Shepherd and his posse again, a posse that had expanded to include another human and two more seraphim…" He shook his head, still smiling. "…and those seraphim were a young wind seraph I'd raised a few centuries earlier, and Edna."
"You're talking about Sorey!" Eizen exclaimed as he suddenly understood.
"That's right," Zaveid nodded. "Sorey the Shepherd, and his team. It was the first time I'd ever seen Edna away from Rayfalke Spiritcrest, and…well, I mean, your namesake had tasked me with making sure she was safe with his last sane words in this world, so I was a little concerned - being a Sub Lord is a dangerous job, and I needed to make sure his Shepherdness could keep your namesake's little sister safe. So, since they got in the way of my hunt, I made some excuse about being tired of them butting in and picked another fight with 'em, this time for real." He chuckled. "They whupped my ass," he said proudly. "I've never been happier to lose a fight. I let 'em go, knowing that if Edna would be safe with anyone, she'd be safe with them. But then…" His smile dropped, and he sighed. "Then I had a choice to make.
"See, with Edna no longer guarding her brother, I could have gone and fulfilled my promise and killed him like I always meant to…but by then, I knew there was something…wrong, with the world. The wind didn't feel quite right, the earthpulse wasn't flowing properly. Something bigger than me was going on, something bigger than what most Shepherds had to face, and Siegfried's power might be the world's only hope."
"Wait, what was going on?" Eizen asked, already lost again.
Zaveid glanced at him. "You know," he prompted, "since it was the Age of Chaos? Something in particular marked that Age? A thing I can't talk about?"
"Oh, that's right!" Eizen exclaimed as he remembered. "Maotelus was corrupted at that time!"
"Like I said, something was wrong," Zaveid continued, "and there was no guarantee the flames of purification would be enough to remedy it, but there was a chance that Siegfried might. I only had two bullets left, bullets I'd been saving for your namesake, but…it wouldn't matter if I kept my promise, or if I was able to stop myself from turning into a dragon, if the Shepherd couldn't succeed at what he was doing and Edna ended up dead for his failed efforts. I deliberated with myself for a while, but when the wind told me they were about to confront some jerk in Pendrago, I decided to wait outside the gates for them.
"I didn't tell them what I knew, of course, or what I was doing or why. I made some excuse…I think it was something to do with Dezel, I don't remember now, it didn't matter; all that mattered was that I needed to know if they would be strong enough to make good use of what I might give them. So I picked one last fight with 'em, this time giving it everything I had, and in the end, they still won. So, I handed over Siegfried, my only lifeline, told 'em how to use it, gave 'em my last bullet, and walked away, figuring I'd have to find some other way to do what I needed to do." Zaveid sighed again. "But then, of course, that very night, Dezel went and got himself killed, leaving Sheps without a wind seraph, and only me around to step up and take the position myself."
"And that's how you became Lailah's Sub Lord," Eizen concluded.
"Yup," Zaveid nodded, "that's how it went down. Now, at first I only tagged along because I knew they needed a wind seraph or they'd all end up dead, and I couldn't let Edna be in that kind of danger - at most, if I was lucky, I figured I might be able to convince the team to help me kill your namesake. But then…" The wind seraph smiled sadly, giving a slight shake of his head. "Then the damnedest thing happened. See, I figured they'd all hate me, since I'd done nothing but pick fights with 'em and was taking the place of a beloved companion of theirs, but…they didn't. They didn't hate me. Instead, before long, I was…one of them. They were my comrades…and then…they were my friends. Damnedest thing, that…a guy like me, with friends…" He shook his head again, sighing as he lifted one hand to rub his face. "Between that and the fact that Sorey was basically hope incarnated into a person, well…incredibly…it was enough."
"Enough…for what?" Eizen asked.
"Kiddo, we seraphim can produce malevolence nowadays," Zaveid explained, "but not nearly as much or nearly as easily as humans do. To produce the kind of malevolence I did, I had to be exceptionally broken, with absolutely nothing redeeming me. Now, that was what I'd committed to being, and I tried to stay that way, I tried to fight it, but…working with Sheps and the gang, being part of a team, I…I couldn't help but start to feel, just a little, the tiniest, faintest, itsiest-bitsiest little glimmer of hope again - as much as a heartless, soulless bastard like me could, anyway. And that was enough to counterbalance all the darkness in me, or at least enough of it that I wasn't in danger of turning into a dragon anymore. So, after Sorey was gone and took Siegfried with him, and realizing I could live without killing anyway, I took an oath to never kill again, in exchange for the power to conjure illusions. Then I ran into your father one day and cast an illusory arte for him, he took my vague hint and ran with it, and, well, the rest is history." Zaveid shrugged and leaned back, his story done.
Settling into his thinking stance, Eizen unpacked all of this, sorting through the events in his mind. "So…" he finally said slowly, emerging from his musings, "you're not heartless anymore. After everything you went through, you still came back and-"
"Oh, I'm still heartless, kiddo," Zaveid assured him darkly, tilting his head forward so he could aim a slit-eyed glare at his human nephew. "Before I came back to the world, I made sure I was broken beyond any sort of repair, and I still am. I'm damned, and there's no undoing that."
"But you don't live like you used to," Eizen pointed out. "You don't kill anymore-"
"I only ever killed because it was that or turn into a dragon," Zaveid pointed out; "killing had nothing to do with being dead inside."
"But you don't do one-night stands anymore either," Eizen argued.
At this, Zaveid threw his head back and laughed, as though this was some hilarious joke. Confused, Eizen blinked, and when Zaveid's mirth had died enough for him to open his eyes and meet Eizen's gaze again, he smirked.
"Now," the wind seraph snickered, "why would you assume something like that?"
"Huh?"
"Is it just because I never made you watch?" Zaveid all but jeered. "Some uncle I'd be if I did. Not that I'd mind showing you how it's done, but your father would eviscerated me if I tried to give you a demonstration, and his swords are pretty damn intimidating."
"But…" Eizen shook his head, unwilling to process his uncle's words.
"Come on, kiddo," Zaveid laughed, "I never had my own room in the treehouse, though your father could easily have built one for me - he offered to do so more than once, but I always turned him down. What did you think I got up to when I wasn't visiting with y'all? Hell, even when I was hunting for Omega Elixir ingredients, I always took time to enjoy myself, even if I left that part out when I came back with my tales of what I did to find 'em. Come to think of it, I did tell you about it, when we stayed in Marlind a few nights ago. What did you think I meant?"
"I thought maybe you were joking," Eizen replied faintly.
"Nope," Zaveid responded, almost smugly. "I haven't joked about that kinda thing hardly at all since I gave up; I might tease your mother, but besides that, what reason do I have to not be serious? In recent years especially, it's been easy - seraph ladies tend to be so stoic, but humans trip over themselves for me. Call what your father caused by rescuing your mother a calamity if you will, but lemme tell ya, it has done wonders for my-"
"Uncle!" Eizen yelped.
Zaveid snickered, wickedly, and gave his nephew a nasty smile. "What?" he asked pointedly. "Drown me out all you like, but this is who I am now." The wind seraph's lopsided grin twisted strangely, and his gaze went distant for a moment. "If my girl knows, I'm sure she's horrified," he said softly. "She told me once that, since we don't breed, it's a waste of time and energy - of life - to do it if it doesn't mean anything. But, see, the thing is…" He turned back to look Eizen square in the eyes. "I don't care," he stated. "I don't care about anything. Nothing means anything to me anymore, so why shouldn't I just enjoy it for the empty, meaningless, fun nothing that it is? This is all I am now, and you don't want to end up like me, do you? So it's for the best that you know up front…" He lifted a hand, curled his fingers, and jabbed his thumb at his chest. "This is what happens when a man gives up," he declared.
"But…" Suddenly, for some reason Eizen couldn't pinpoint, a memory arose at the back of his mind, a memory of looking around for his uncle during Celica's tenth birthday party and not being able to find him, assuming he was just lost in the crowd. "Cellie's party…" he whispered.
"Oh ho?" Zaveid blinked, surprised but apparently impressed. "Well well, you're pretty sharp after all, kiddo! Yeah, that was some party, I had a great time." He grinned nastily, leaning back in an utterly smug fashion.
"You…" Eizen swallowed, fighting the urge to gag.
"Don't bother with the lectures," Zaveid advised him; "Edna already chewed me out when she found out. But at least it makes sense that you'd be surprised, unlike her." He spread his hands. "This is who I am, kiddo," he repeated. "I'm damned to hell, and nothing will ever change that, I gave up on any chance of redemption when I gave up on living with the pain of losing my girl; there's no reason for me to not have a little fun before I burn. I'm a scoundrel, a sinner, a coward, and a bastard, and that's all I'll ever be, all I can ever be."
"But you care about us!" Eizen argued desperately. "You care about Edna, about my parents, about Cellie, about me, even about Niko-!"
"I care about y'all as much as a man like me can care about anything," Zaveid dismissed, "and that ain't much. Of course, even a little bit can seem like the world when it's all you've got. I'll tell you one thing I've gotten pretty damn good at since I gave up, though: pretending. Pretending to be more than I am, pretending to be happy, pretending that that tiny amount of caring that I can muster is as much as what a man with a heart could feel. Pretending is all I do most of the time, to be honest; I'm still empty and dead inside, without a soul, my heart cold and lifeless. I gave up every bit of me that was good, and I made damn sure I could never turn back. I am what I am now. I'm broken, and nothing can save me."
There was so much wrong with this statement, not least of all being the fact that Zaveid clearly believed his own words. "My parents were broken, too," Eizen pointed out.
"Look, don't get me wrong, I've got nothing but respect for your parents for finding their ways back to their humanity after everything they went through," Zaveid told him. "Nothing but respect…hell, maybe even a little envy. But not even your mother gave up as thoroughly as I did; it ain't so simple for me. Malevolence was your parents' price for being broken, and though I know it wasn't easy for them, all they had to do was realize they were broken and decide they didn't want to be anymore, and then the flames of purification fixed them…but there's no power in this world that could ever save me, I made damn sure of that when I destroyed my soul. Nothing can fix me, nothing can save me. Nothing."
Eizen stared at him, running through all the possible arguments in his mind, and then settled on the one he felt needed to be said the most. "I bet Lucine could save you," he countered softly.
"Lucine?!" Zaveid repeated, jerking in surprise. "The hell are you on about?"
Eizen rolled his eyes. "Come on, uncle, we all see the way you look at her," he informed the wind seraph.
Zaveid's orange irises drifted to the corners of their sockets, aimed as far away from Eizen as possible. "Don't know what you mean," he mumbled.
"Yes you do," Eizen said; "like she's the most beautiful thing in the world and you could never want or need anything else. Don't bother trying to deny it," he added firmly as Zaveid opened his mouth, "we've all noticed."
"Look," Zaveid sighed heavily, "if in fact I do look at Lucine…differently, sometimes, it's only because she looks like my girl."
"She does?" Eizen asked; this was not something he'd even remotely expected.
"Yup," Zaveid nodded. "She doesn't act anything like my girl, not for the most part, but in looks, they're scarily alike. Her hair colors are reversed - blue to white instead of white to blue - but besides that…" He lifted a hand, making a circle with his thumb and forefinger. "…dead ringer," he declared.
"So Theodora was a water malak?" Eizen asked.
"Oh yeah," Zaveid shrugged, dropping his hand. "Hey, even seraphim marry outside their clan sometimes. It might seem a little odd, but it makes sense if you think about it. I mean, where in nature do you see a stronger relationship between two elements than in the bond between the wind and the waves?" His face fell, and he continued, "That's all it is. Lucine's just a reminder of everything I lost…of the man I used to be, the man I destroyed. That's all she is or will ever be to me besides yet another pretty lady: just another one of life's cruel, sick jokes."
"But…" Eizen shook his head, still processing this revelation. "But that's not how you look at her."
"Oh, no?" Zaveid countered. "Then how do I look at her?"
"Like she's…you know…" Eizen fumbled for a minute. "Like you've been living in an endless night for hundreds of years and she's a new dawn on the horizon," he managed at last.
"The hell is that supposed to mean?!" Zaveid asked, almost laughing.
"I mean you don't look at her like she's something from your past," Eizen insisted; "you look at her like she gives you hope for your future!"
"What future?" Zaveid scowled. "The only future a guy like me can hope for is one that doesn't last much longer."
"Doesn't last…? Uncle, you're a seraph," Eizen said, bewildered by the wind seraph's statement. "And you're only a little over two thousand years old, you're still really young by seraph standards-"
"Well, I just have to hope I'm one of the more short-lived ones, don't I?" Zaveid retorted. "Besides, ever since I fulfilled my promise to kill your namesake, I've been taking oaths to shorten my life, or at least I did until Edna made me stop. I managed to shave off a good five thousand years or so before that, though."
"Shorten…?" Eizen breathed. "Uncle Zaveid, you…"
"I'm many things, kiddo," Zaveid said gravely, "but I'm not a hypocrite. 'Death is a kind of salvation, for some;' that's the answer your namesake helped me find when he convinced me to let him kill my girl, and once I gave up, I had no reason not to embrace that answer fully. It's true, death is indeed a kind of salvation - it was for her, and it will be for me when my time comes. Granted, I have nothing but the fires of hell to look forward to, broken as I am, but at least I won't have to live in this awful, miserable world anymore."
He really wants to die. That was the missing piece that made the full image of Zaveid the Oathkeeper fall into place for Eizen. Zaveid wanted to believe the world would be better off without him, and he even tried to make it true, because he didn't want to be part of the world himself. He'd done horrible things, telling himself he'd already given up and it didn't matter anymore, even though he very clearly did still have the capacity to care and be a good person - he made excuses for any good deed he did, because he wanted to believe he'd destroyed everything in him that was good, that he was what he was and there would be no turning back, because it was easier than facing a world that had taken everything from him, not realizing that the world had given him back a lot, too. He wanted to be dead inside, tried to be dead inside, because at the end of the day, he simply wanted to be dead.
But he was wrong.
"Zaveid," Eizen said slowly, "I understand that you're still struggling, but…you're not dead inside. You still feel the pain of Theodora's loss-"
"It only hurts when I think about it," Zaveid dismissed, "and even then, it doesn't hurt as much - it's just a faint echo of the person I used to be, nothing more. Back when I had a heart, the pain was always there whether I thought about it or not, and it was all I could feel."
Eizen had to concede that point, knowing his own experience - even listening to the story of his uncle's past hadn't really eased the gnawing anguish in his chest. "But there's still a bit of good left in you," Eizen pressed. "I know there is, uncle, I've seen it my whole life, you're not completely dead inside."
"I am," Zaveid stated. "There's nothing left of me."
"That's not true!" Eizen shouted. "I get that you're still suffering, but you can still find your way back. If you'd just let Lucine help you-"
"Oh, quit banging on about Lucine, would you?!" Zaveid cut him off with a snarl. "She can't do anything for me!"
"But she wants to," Eizen told his uncle. "She looks at you like that, too-"
"You think I haven't noticed?!" Zaveid snapped. "I'm broken, Eizen, not blind! I see the way that girl looks at me, like I'm…like I'm more than this, more than a heartless bastard who could never do anything but hurt her. I've been trying to get her to see that she's wrong, even had Sahra put in a bad word for me, but she keeps on giving me that look no matter what I do." He shook his head, glowering as though a nice girl like Lucine believing in his heart was the worst possible thing that could happen. "I'm honestly starting to think about taking drastic measures."
"What do you mean, 'drastic measures'?" Eizen asked, already worrying.
"Well, I am the Prime Lord," Zaveid shrugged. "I can make my Sub Lords do anything, technically. I'm thinking of trying something on Sahra - not Lucine, the whole point is to not break her, but Sahra's tough, she can handle it, and if Lucine's watching-"
"What do you mean, it?!" Eizen exclaimed, his blood running cold. "What are you going to make Sahra do?!"
"Doesn't matter," Zaveid answered; "whatever it takes to get Lucine to understand what I am. Hopefully I won't have to do anything too awful, but anything's on the table at this point - she needs to understand."
Eizen was innocent, but he wasn't ignorant, especially not when it came to his uncle. "Zaveid," he said in a low voice, "if you abuse your Prime Lord powers like that, I will tell Maotelus and have him break your Prime Lord pact - I know Sahra would be willing to take the job in your place. Then, I will go back to the Guinevere Shrine for Symonne and make her my Sub Lord of wind instead of you. Then I'll come back here and tell my parents what you did, and they'll never let you anywhere near anyone in our family again. If I was a seraph, I would vow this by my true name, I would take a seraphic oath for it; I will do all those things, Zaveid, I will take away everything you have right now, if you do that."
Each of these declarations clearly cut deep - Zaveid physically recoiled away and curled in on himself defensively more and more the longer Eizen spoke. But when Eizen was done, Zaveid's face was blank. "Still," he whispered, and Eizen felt sick. "I don't deserve what I've got anyway, and if it's what I have to do to make her understand-"
"She'll probably see through the whole ruse anyway, thanks to her blessing!" Eizen all but shouted, his stomach heaving. "She'll be able to tell that you hate yourself when you make Sahra do anything!"
"Ugh," Zaveid growled, "that damn blessing…not sure what the hell she thinks she sees through it when she looks at me like I'm some kinda…I dunno…" He shook his head. "I swear that blessing's gonna be the death of me…"
"Or maybe it'll be the opposite," Eizen said pointedly. "If you stop pushing her away, maybe in the future-"
"I don't have a future!" Zaveid snapped.
"I said the same thing," Eizen pointed out.
"Yeah, and see how wrong you were!" Zaveid retorted.
Eizen closed his eyes and took the blow silently, knowing that Zaveid was only lashing out because he was scared, because he hated himself and the world too much to dare to hope for something more. After spending a long minute letting the sting burn out, leaving only the anguish he did still feel over Sadie's loss, Eizen opened his eyes and spoke.
"Uncle Zaveid," he said coldly, "thank you."
"For what?" Zaveid growled.
"For showing me what not to do," Eizen answered, and he stood up. "You're right. I don't want to end up like you."
"I'm glad you realize that," Zaveid said bluntly.
"Yeah," Eizen went on, "I can't imagine anything worse than being so consumed with misery and self-loathing that I wouldn't be able to do anything but push away my second chance when life handed it to me."
Zaveid's jaw dropped, but no words came out of his mouth, and Eizen turned and walked down the altar steps.
"W-Where the hell do you think you're going?!" Zaveid called after him.
"To think," Eizen shot over his shoulder as he headed for the main doors to the Sanctuary, "and to give you time to think, too. You need it more than I do."
Absolutely no response met this declaration as Eizen strode through the main room and exited the front door, leaving it open just a little longer than necessary in case Edna was with him. A couple of priests were standing guard outside, and Eizen assured them that his conversation with his Prime Lord was over and they could open the Sanctuary to the public again. Around a couple of corners in the marketplace, Eizen was not surprised to find all of Edna's things that she'd been given by her brother laid out neatly in a pile. In the same moment his big sis's pendant moved, she became visible again, wearing only her dress as she re-donned her other equipment.
"Good job," she told Eizen dully. "I'm glad someone said it to him; I'm just sorry it wasn't me."
"Did you know any of that, big sis?" Eizen asked.
"No," she shrugged. "He's been talking about his 'greatest sin' for a while, but he wouldn't tell me what it was. Can't believe he really thinks giving up is worse than anything else he's done…"
"No," Eizen mused, "it's…definitely a terrible sin. What a person does is one thing, but what matters most is who they are, and he didn't just do a bad thing, he chose to be a bad person - or at least, he thinks he did, and he's tried to be. But I don't think he's as unforgivable as he thinks he is."
"Of course he's not," Edna stated, straightening up, fully dressed in her various possessions again, twirling her umbrella over her shoulder. "Not unless he stays determined to be a dirtbag, which he has been so far…" She sighed. "I'll keep trying to make him stop fighting his feelings for Lucine - because you're right, it's not just who she looks like that gets to him. But you've done enough, baby brother." She looked up at him, her blue eyes softening. "Are you…going to be okay?" she asked.
"…Yeah," Eizen nodded. "I'm still in pain, but…I don't want to end up like uncle Zaveid, or - or Shepherd Artorius or my mother, for that matter. I'll find some way to live with it, to keep in mind what I told Niko yesterday. I won't give up, Edna, don't worry."
Despite the agony of his breath, which didn't ease even a little, reaching this conclusion put a stop to the burning sensation in his veins where the flames of purification combatted malevolence. It was okay to be sad, to mourn, to grieve, even to feel as though every waking moment was torment; that wasn't malevolence, that was life. Malevolence was wanting to give up because of it, and now that he'd seen firsthand an example of what he could become if he gave up, he knew there was nothing he wanted less.
"Good," Edna nodded. "I'm glad to hear it."
"Why don't you go…find Sahra and Lucine, and spend the rest of the day with them?" Eizen suggested.
"That depends," she responded tonelessly; "what are you going to do?"
"I'm going to go talk to my father," Eizen replied. "There are…some things I want to discuss with him, and I might as well get all of the difficult conversations I have to have out of the way in one day."
"In that case, I'll go find Sahra and Lucine and spend the rest of the day with them," Edna stated.
Eizen laughed, even if he didn't really have the capacity for mirth on the inside just yet, and they split up.
~o~
Eizen strolled through the marketplace, heading for the back alley that led to the priests' bunker where his family was staying, alone with his thoughts and grief. But though he still mourned, there was an odd sort of…acceptance, to it, that hadn't been there before his talk with his uncle - it wasn't that it hurt less, but more that the pain didn't seem like it would mark the end of his existence anymore. There would still be a future, and there would still be life; life and a future without Sadie, true, but as painful as the thought was, it would be what it would be. Besides, he told himself, I always knew I would be alone…
"Eizen! Hey, bro, wait up!"
The voice, still familiar after weeks of life-changing experiences, made Eizen turn to see his best friend David jogging down to meet him at the bottom of the steps to the marketplace. For once, the gray-eyed boy wasn't smiling.
"Hey man," he panted, putting a hand on Eizen's shoulder. "Sorry I haven't had time to catch up with you."
"It's okay," Eizen assured him, "I haven't really given you time. How are you?"
"Don't worry about me," David said seriously. "I'm worried about you. Were you really going to marry Sadie?"
"Yeah," Eizen sighed, a little twinge of extra pain lancing through his heart - the heart he still had, and would never give up on. "Our journey changed us, both of us, but mostly her. She learned a lot about how the world really worked, and…we fell in love."
"Well, you've always been in love with her," David teased.
But Eizen shook his head. "Nah," he said, "I just had a crush on her. Once I really got to know her, though, and got to see who she was under all her attitude…then I fell in love with her. And she got over being a bully, too, she really did. She didn't even…didn't even mind the idea of marrying a man who's going to have to kill his own sister…"
"You make it sound like you have to do something bad," David said. "Come on, man, your sister's been nuts since she was born, and she made her own choice to become the Lord of Calamity - you kill her, you save us all. How come you aren't out doing that now?"
"I'm waiting on something first," Eizen replied, deciding not to go into details. "Listen…what have you been up to since I left? I know I was gone for a while."
"I've been training!" David said proudly, and he reached down to unbuckle the flap of a holster of some sort that hung from his belt, then pulled out a spiked mace. Eizen stared at the weapon, surprised. "I realized I'm not so good with blades, but I can hit things with this sucker pretty well!" David's smile dimmed, and he added, "Listen, I…I'm sorry if this is a bad time, but…I mean, you're without a Squire now, and…I'd still like to join you, if you'd let me."
"No," Eizen said firmly. "No, David, I won't let you become my Squire. I'm not going to have any more Squires."
"Aw, c'mon," David begged, "let me join you! I know I can help in a fight now, and you let that water seraph and fire seraph join you - are they good fighters?!"
Despite himself, Eizen laughed, and this time he actually felt it, if only faintly. "David," he smirked, "Sahra and Lucine are the reincarnations of the prime Squire Rose and Princess Alisha Diphda."
"Rose and the Light of Hyland?!" David gasped. "Seriously?"
"Yup," Eizen replied; "Rose was reborn as a fire seraph named Sahra, and Alisha was reborn as a water seraph named Lucine. They've both kept their memories, and the true names Sorey gave them, and they're as adept as warriors now as they were as humans - maybe even more so, now that they cast seraphic artes."
David shook his head and put his mace away. "Alright, I take it back," he said; "you're traveling with four legendary heroes, no way could I ever fit in with that bunch."
"It's not that I don't think you could fit in," Eizen told him, "I just…I don't want anyone else to end up like Sadie. You're my best friend, man, I don't want to put you in danger. Besides, we only have a fight with a dragon and the Lord of Calamity herself left - you haven't even battled grunt hellions before, you can't start out where we are."
"Yeah, you're right," David conceded. "You're killing me, but you're right. Look man, I just…I wanna help, you know?"
"You do help," Eizen said softly. "It helps to have a friend I know I can count on." He thought a moment, then added, "If I did make you a Squire, I know exactly what your true name would be."
"Oh yeah?" David asked brightly. "What's that?"
"Miyam Iatei," Eizen told him; "David the Loyal. You've always stood by me, no matter what's happened, even when you found out about my family's history."
"Hey, you've always stood by me," David shrugged. "Our first year of school, I didn't know how to make friends, and you just walked up to me and introduced yourself like it was nothing. No matter what happens, you're a good guy and a good friend, Eizen. I'm glad I can be friends with you."
"Thanks," Eizen said, some tension he'd been carrying since the night Niko turned easing, and he felt his shoulders relax slightly. "There's been so much chaos since my sister became the Lord of Calamity, I…I can't tell you how much it means to me to still have something I know I can count on to stay the same."
"I'm here for ya," David promised, and he grinned again. "Miyam Iatei, David the Loyal, that's me! I'll bear my true name with pride!"
"You're not actually a Squire," Eizen reminded him, chuckling.
"Yeah, but I still get a true name," David boasted. "I'm gonna tell everyone I know, I have a true name given to me by the Shepherd himself!"
"Go spread the word," Eizen laughed. "I have to go have a talk with my dad. If I get a chance, I'll see you later, okay?"
"Don't worry about it," David told him. "Go save the world. I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines no matter what."
"Thanks," Eizen smiled. "Later, man."
"Later."
Though David's smile faltered, as though he really didn't want to leave Eizen alone, he did turn and walk back up the steps. Eizen watched him go, taking a deep breath that didn't hurt quite as much as most had in the last day. Finally, he turned and walked down the path, eventually coming to the priests' bunker. Outside, Celica was flailing two sticks around in a sloppy imitation of the short-sword side of the Rangetsu style.
"Slower!" Rokurou called to her from the steps. "You're too sloppy, you need precision if you want to strike your enemy where it matters; don't work on speed until you have the moves themselves down!"
"Hey guys," Eizen greeted, walking in on them.
"Eizen!" Celica squeaked, bounding up to him. "Look, look! Daddy's starting to teach me! It sucks that he can't show me himself, but I'm learning, see?!"
"Yes, I see," Eizen chuckled. "Listen, I, uh…I need to talk to dad. Can you give us a minute alone?" Celica began to pout, but before she could argue, he added, "Once we're done talking, I'll help him train you. I'll even let you hold my katana and practice some greatsword Rangetsu style moves."
"Wow, really?!" Cellie exclaimed, dropping her sticks.
"Of course," Eizen smiled at her. "Just go run around for a bit, and we'll probably be done when you come back. But don't knock anyone over!" he called to the girl who was already darting away.
"She never stops moving," Rokurou remarked from his perch as Eizen walked over and sat down beside him. "In the entire history of our clan, this is probably the first time the instruction 'slow down' has ever been given to a novice; she's got the energy and the passion to be a real Rangetsu. Now if only she'd learn control, I wouldn't even have to teach her all that much…"
"She'll grow out of it," Eizen said certainly. "She's been bedridden her whole life, being able to run around is something she'll never take for granted; once she's older, she'll figure out how to enjoy her energy more responsibly."
"I hope so," Rokurou chuckled, and he gave Eizen a smile. "So, what's on your mind, son?"
"I…" Eizen faltered, realizing what he was about to say. "I, uh…well, I went all over the world to get the power I needed to stop Niko. I went to the frozen north, the marsh beyond the desert in the west, and the seaside pastures in the south."
"I've seen it all," Rokurou told him. "Hell, I saw it all change from a bunch of islands to one big landmass."
"Yeah, I know," Eizen sighed. "But it wasn't just the places I saw; I met some people too…a couple of people you know."
"Really?" Rokurou asked, surprised.
"Do you not know about the Lords of the Land?" Eizen asked. "You've been wandering everywhere for fifteen hundred years…"
"Yeah, but I tried to stay away from towns and cities whenever I could," Rokurou reminded him. "I didn't want to cause a big fuss that would make my training harder to focus on."
"Well then," Eizen sighed, "I guess you wouldn't know…but Bienfu and Morgrim are still out there. Bienfu is the Lord of the Land in Meirchio, and Morgrim is the Lord of the Land in Pendrago, the capital of the Rolance Empire."
Rokurou blinked, and Eizen knew his father understood, but the ancient swordsman didn't respond.
"They were both helpful to me," Eizen went on at last. "Morgrim told us about a fire seraph in the north who could help us, and Bienfu helped us pinpoint her location. And Morgrim also…says that Shigure is walking at my side, lending me his support wherever I go, and that he's proud of me."
At this, Eizen's father scowled, and he knew this was a conversation he'd needed to have.
"She didn't tell me about the barbaric ways of House Rangetsu," he told his father; "she said it was your job to tell me. But she also said I…didn't have the brutishness Shigure was trying to get away from. And that…Shigure died proud to have been killed by you."
"I know that much," Rokurou muttered. "He wouldn't have been much of a Rangetsu if he didn't see the honor in dying to his younger brother."
"Dad," Eizen sighed, "I've come to terms with what you told me when I defeated you in battle, with the true legacy of our clan, so…we don't have to talk about that right now, if it's too much for you. But…I mean, I know you have a lot to figure out, especially now that you…well…" He gestured to his father's reduced limbs. "But if you can…at some point, I'd really appreciate it if you could travel to Pendrago and talk to Morgrim. She doesn't hate you, and I…I think you and she could still reconcile."
"There's nothing to reconcile over," Rokurou stated. "We took opposite sides, that's all there is to it."
"I don't think so," Eizen said gently. "I think it's a lot more complicated than that. Please, dad…you and Morgrim have things you need to talk about. Please go see her."
In response, the crippled swordsman sighed heavily.
"And maybe eventually, you could make it all the way to the north to visit Bienfu," Eizen added after a moment. "It'll be difficult to get that far, but…I think it'd be worth it if you and mom reunited with an old friend."
"Difficult," Rokurou repeated. He looked down at his diminished body, eyeing his one remaining hand and flexing his fingers gently. Then, a spark seemed to light in his copper eyes, and he looked up at his son. "Yeah, that would be difficult," he agreed, "which is why I'm gonna do it." He smiled, that same proud, fierce smile Eizen knew and loved. "That's gonna be my next dream - to get myself all the way to the frozen north without help!"
"Without help?!" Eizen repeated, alarmed. "Dad, I don't think-!"
"I'll find a way!" Rokurou declared. "I have a new rival now, a truly worthy opponent: my own body! And I'll win! Don't you dare think I'll give up - somehow, some way, I'll make it up there before I die!"
He seemed so alive, that old passion rekindled to such a strong blaze, that Eizen found it hard to argue. "I'm sure you will, dad," he said instead, allowing himself to smile. "Just as long as you stop by Pendrago on the way and talk to Morgrim."
"Eh…maybe I'll visit her on the way back," Rokurou shrugged.
"I'll tell mom about it," Eizen told him pointedly.
"Oh, fine," Rokurou grumbled. "I'll visit with Morgrim, too. But only once I've visited Bienfu in the frozen north!"
Knowing it would be pointless to try to change his father's plans, Eizen nodded resignedly. "Good," he said. "I'm glad you can both get some closure eventually."
"Yeah, yeah," Rokurou grumbled as Celica burst back around the corner and into view, but the light didn't leave his face, and Eizen got a feeling it never would again.
"Are you done talking yet?!" Cellie demanded, hopping up and down in front of them. "Come on, Eizen, teach me, teach me!"
"Alright, alright," Eizen laughed, and he stood up and drew his katana, instructing his youngest sister on how to hold a blade that was as long as she was tall.
As he began passing on all that he knew of his ancestors' greatsword techniques, his sister grinning and shrieking with delight, his father smiling with renewed vigor as he called instructions to his children, Eizen finally felt a bit of his burden ease. Sadie was gone, but he still had his family, and maybe that was enough.
For more on my headcanon for the relationship Zaveid and Theodora had, see my Berseria-only M-rated oneshot, "Live, No Matter What", which I just posted at the time of posting this chapter.
Trophy earned for this chapter: [image of Sadie's corpse outlined in white fire] "The Depths of Despair" - Proof of learning your Prime Lord's darkest secret. Now that you know what your loss could turn you into, you have no choice but to push through the darkness.