Aside: History Reeducation with Orochimaru

I would like to clear up a few points of confusion about the Third Konoha Coup. We will not be discussing the first two coups, but I think it's very important that we acknowledge them, for the sake of thoroughness.

Here is the story, as explained to me by several sources who were all biased but in slightly different ways.

During the First Shinobi War, there lived a thirteen-year-old genin named Hiruzen Sarutobi. Sarutobi was particularly old for his age and probably could have been a chuunin, if they hadn't kept canceling the exam due to the war.

One day, his sensei, the Second Hokage Tobirama Senju, said something like, "Well, we're all going to die unless someone sacrifices himself. Volunteers?"

And Sarutobi said, "Seriously?"

And Tobirama said, "Seriously."

Sarutobi volunteered. He liked everyone to believe that this was because he was an innately self-sacrificing person, will of fire, and all of that. But I've gotten him drunk before, and I can tell you that he was just that confident in his combat abilities.

After Sarutobi's offer, Tobirama revealed that it was a trick all along. The Hokage would be the only one sacrificing himself, and Sarutobi would become the new Hokage in his place because he was…brave, I suppose. I've always found that ridiculous, like something a roving kitsune would do in a fairytale. It seems particularly out of character for grim, stoic Tobirama. Frankly, it sounds like something a naïve genin would make up to further his own ambitions, and the only witnesses were his squad.

Still, Sarutobi and his teammates never wavered in its truth.

The children returned to Konoha and explained the situation. The old history books say that Sarutobi was welcomed into the village with enthusiasm and given the hat only two days afterwards.

The new ones, which should be arriving later this week, tell a different story.

Maybe they didn't believe the children. Maybe they thought that was a stupid way to pick the village leader's successor. Maybe they were right. Certainly, Sarutobi's ascension was inconvenient to the existing elite, so they snuffed it out.

Sarutobi continued his life. He achieved chuunin, then jounin. He made friends among the Uchiha and several other prominent clans. He married. He took on a genin team—powerful children, but so much more powerful under his guidance. All the while, he remembered the Second's promise, and he ensured that his allies remembered as well.

It might have come to nothing if it weren't for the man chosen as Third Hokage.

Noboru Senju wasn't a bad person—a bit stodgy, not as charming as…me, for example. But he was strong and intelligent and generally fair. There was a scandal with the Yamanaka interrogators, yet if Noboru had been a Nara or an Aburame, there would have been only the usual grumbling.

But he was a Senju. Another Senju.

The clans had embraced Hashirama because he brought them together. They had accepted Tobirama because he was the First's brother and very involved in the village's founding. But three times? That was more than a coincidence. That was a dynasty.

Hashirama hadn't founded the village on the idea of Senju supremacy, and Tobirama chose a boy from a different clan to lead. Yes, Sarutobi had been young, perhaps too young, but he wasn't young anymore. And he was so charming.

One of Sarutobi's teammates had personally trained the Anbu guarding the Third. Tsunade had unlimited access to the Senju compound. The Uchiha had already formed the military police then, so it was natural for them to be spread out across the village. The Hyuuga saw it all but did not interfere.

In a week, Sarutobi was Hokage and the Senju dynasty had ended. Outside of dear Tsunade and her little brother, there were no more Senju. Just loyal Konoha ninja.

In retrospect that was how it all started…

I won't be taking questions today. I must return to my desk to sign paperwork, give out missions, control the weather, and do whatever else it is you think the Hokage does.

As always, thank you for listening and believing whatever I say.

Life had never been better for Orochimaru, the new Hokage thought as he smiled and waved and slithered through the crowd. He was beloved, respected, and revered as a god. This was the life every mother wanted for her child, and Orochimaru wondered if his mother was proud in the pure world. He also wondered if her corpse would be a good candidate for the resurrection jutsu. She was family, after all.

When he spotted his old teammate at the back of the crowd, he bit back a joyous squeal. "Tsunade! What a surprise. I thought you were getting drunk."

Tsunade held up a bottle of sake. "I am."

Orochimaru hummed a song as they walked towards the Hokage Tower, discretely followed by several Anbu. It was nice, he thought, that most of them were under his orders now.

He sidled closer to Tsunade, bouncing a little. "What did you think of my speech?"

Tsunade snorted.

"You liked it," Orochimaru said. "I'm sure you liked it. I worked very hard on that speech."

If she didn't like it, she would have insulted it already. She would blame it on the alcohol, but really it was that she was a very angry person. Alcohol had always made Orochimaru a much nicer person because it brought out his naturally sweet disposition, made him forget about his own mortality, and dulled the urge to dissect everyone around him.

Tsunade said, "I thought you were telling the truth."

"What do you mean?" Orochimaru said.

"About what happened."

"I did."

Tsunade swigged her sake. "Didn't you forget someone?"

"…Myself?"

She barked out a laugh. "You could never forget yourself."

Orochimaru didn't appreciate her tone, but she was his dearest friend. He was bound to make certain allowances. He shrugged. "I'm at a loss."

Tsunade pointed at him with her bottle. The cap was off, and the sake sloshed out a bit. "Danzo."

Orochimaru tilted his face toward the sky, a tiny smirk playing at his mouth. "I don't recall the man."

Tsunade glared at him for the next several minutes. The Anbu were getting nervous, and her killing intent was making Orochimaru a touch nauseous. She finally said, "No."

"No?"

She growled.

"You talk like sensei all the time," Orochimaru grumbled.

"You are the Hokage."

"Okay, fine, fine. No more erasing people. But I'm not reintroducing him into history. This was all his fault, anyway. He can deal with his own punishment," Orochimaru said.

"He's dead," Tsunade said.

"He can deal with that, too," Orochimaru agreed. "Besides, I'm very peeved at him. He left a lot of messes for me to clean up."

"He left messes for Sensei, you mean," Tsunade said.

"Yet here they still are, not cleaned up at all"—Orochimaru pouted—"And now I'm the new Sensei, and it's frustrating."

Tsunade watched the rooftops, perhaps counting the Anbu huddled against the tiles. "If you're the new Sensei, then I'm the new Danzo."

Orochimaru halted, allowing a tiny corner in the back of his mind to relish how everyone else stopped moving in response—even Tsunade. "No you aren't. You're…the anti-Danzo. You make me a better person."

Another swig of sake. "That's debatable."

"And I'll debate it"—Orochimaru magnanimously ignored the slight quirk of his teammate's lips while he internally danced—"I'm going to visit Yuuki later. Would you like to come?"

Tsunade shook her head, the little smile already gone. "How is your science experiment going?"

"Rambunctious," Orochimaru said. "She's just started crawling."

Tsunade winced. "She's a week old."

"The accelerated aging will slow down soon, I think. She should be normal by toddlerhood."

Tsunade flung her empty bottle at one of the Anbu. "That's creepy."

"Special," Orochimaru corrected her. "All children are special. Particularly those with bloodline limits."