Chapter 25.
"Turns out, you can dance." Mary said as the B side of the tape ended.
"I told you so." said Dean.
"But you still don't intend to dance at your friend's birthday party?"
"Still don't." he said, "I'll watch the others dance, though."
"Well, that sounds easy."
"Easy is my favourite thing." he said.
"You really enjoyed dancing." she said.
"Yes, I did and it was a good distraction. No angel voice in my head. Thanks for that." He smiled at her, wishing he could sound less arrogant and less dismissive. "It was fun. It brought back good memories."
"For me too." she said, "I've missed this side of you. Good to know it's still there, under all the masks."
"There are no masks for you." he said. They looked at each other and she raised an eyebrow at the obvious lie. "I'm trying." he said, "It's not easy to change the habits of a lifetime."
"I know. We'll get there." she said.
He looked at his watch. Masks or not, she read his mind. "Sam'll call soon."
"Yeah." he said.
"Castiel is with Sarah. I'm sure he's fine."
"I hope so. I'd call and check on him, but he had a good reason to get away from me."
"I don't think he wants to get away from you." she said, "He ran to Sarah and the bees, not away from you. You blame yourself for all of this, but none of it is your fault. He knows that too."
"I know he doesn't blame me. I think maybe he should, but he doesn't. I've always thought of my mind as being under my control, strong and rational, but now I know it isn't. I can't stop my thoughts from spilling into his mind. I can't stop stealing his feelings. I have no control over this mess. I can't even stop myself crying out to him. I should be able to shut this down. I can't."
"In a few hours, you'll have a talisman to do that for you."
"It has to work. If it doesn't, I know he'll do something stupid. Loss of grace is dangerous to angels. He knows he's risking everything if he removes any of his own, but that's what he's considering as a solution. Think how dark my thoughts must be to him if he'd risk destruction to avoid sharing them."
"Speaking as someone who wishes I could share your thoughts, I think it's more that he wants to protect you." she said, "He knows you don't want him eavesdropping and I think he'll do whatever it takes to stop himself from doing it. When has he ever acted to protect himself?"
"That's even worse, if he'll do crazy things just because he thinks I want him to. Maybe the other angels were right about me. I kinda ruined his whole life from the day he met me."
"What whole life was that? Blindly taking orders from corrupt cloud pilots? He had no life until you came along and taught him to make his own decisions."
"Yeah, that hasn't worked out great for him." said Dean.
"Have you decided what to get him for his birthday, yet?" she asked.
"I have, but I can't talk or think about it while we're sharing a brain. If the talismans work, I'll get it tomorrow. It's just a small thing, really. A stupid thing. A hunter thing."
"It's something he'll love." she said.
"I hope he will. There's really nothing he wants. That makes finding presents hard. Has he said anything to you about Jules?"
She smiled. "He has, actually. He's really sweet on her, isn't he?"
"I think so. He keeps mentioning her. And he was saying a party is a good opportunity to get closer to people. She could be so good for him. He needs happiness. He needs a life of his own. He spends far too much time hanging around me like I need 24 hour angel protection."
"Are you saying you don't?" she said.
He grinned. "No, I probably do, but I want him to be free. I want him to find other ways to spend his time. He and Jules could be great together."
"He hasn't had a lot of experience with women, has he?" she said.
"No and most of the experiences have been bad. But that's good, in a way. The bar is very low. Jules could be the best thing that ever happened to him just by not stabbing him after sex."
"That really is bad."
"He makes my relationships look successful. But it'll change. He'll find someone and he'll make it work and then I can stop worrying about him."
"I don't think you'll ever stop worrying about him." she said.
"Maybe not, but at least I'll have no reason. I just need him to stay here and to stay him and not to do something drastic and permanent just because he hates being in my head." He saw her expression and added, "Or because he thinks I hate him being there. Those Keys of Rhydian have to work. They have to."
"Sam told me a little of the stuff he turned up in research." she said, "They sound like exactly what you need. Your brother has a real talent for finding these things."
"He does. Somehow, he always comes through for me. And Jack worked on it too. If they both say it'll work, it'll work. It'll set Cas free of the whole tangled mess."
"And you too." she said.
"Yeah, but Cas is the priority. This thing is destroying him. I can live with it."