Chapter 20

"Edward, why do you have Rohypnol?"

My mind feels scrambled, and the sick feeling is back.

He's still staring at me. His eyes are so dark and turbulent, watching his feelings play out in them is like being tossed in the middle of a raging ocean in a dinghy. I have the most horrific thought.

"D-did you … were you going to give that to me?" My voice is so broken and faint the words are hardly discernable.

He narrows his eyes, and his jaw tightens. His eyes now blaze, but he remains silent. I can't read him, and I feel like I'm going to be ill.

"Oh my God," I whisper hoarsely and look around robotically.

"I had a glass of wine." I mutter. "You…"

"I can't believe you would think I could do something like that to you. I didn't drug you, Bella. If I had, you wouldn't be standing there fully clothed." He jumps up and the chair clatters in his wake, his jaw unbelievably even more clenched, eyes blazing. He looks away and shakes his head.

My eyes flash to the bottle, and I try to calm my mind.

"You're still here? After what you saw upstairs, and now that you've seemingly labeled me as a sexual predator or rapist, I would think that you'd be running out of the door, screaming."

"Is that what you want…. for me to go?"

"You know I don't want that. But do you truly think I could be capable of drugging you or anyone else?" he turns to look at me, eyes cutting into mine.

"Then talk to me! Yes, I'll admit that seeing what I did upstairs was upsetting, but it was my fault. You've been nothing but honest about that part of your life, so I can hardly be angry at witnessing it. But I find you holding a bottle of date rape pills. What am I supposed to think?"

"You're not supposed to think that I drugged you! God, Bella… I mean what the fuck?" He throws the bottle across the room, and the pills scatter over the floor.

"I want you," he says abruptly. "But I wanted tonight to be what we agreed it to be; a friendly dinner, you and I getting to know each other. More than that, I wanted you to see that I'm serious about having something real with you."

"I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions, Edward. Sometimes you can be so…. it's difficult to understand what's really going on beneath the surface."

"It's difficult to understand me? How about you prying around in my personal space? Look, Bella, I get why you don't trust me, but I have no ulterior motives when it comes to you. It's plain and simple. I want to be with you. And to think that you believe me capable of illegally drugging someone..."

"Okay." I whisper.

He totally disarms me when he speaks so honestly about wanting a relationship with me, but I really need to know more about the pills.

He expels a deep defeated groan; all anger drains from him like a gushing tide.

"When you went upstairs, I was thinking that I needed to be more honest with you if I wanted to gain your trust. I didn't mean to snap at you about the whole James thing before. He's just…. it's a sensitive subject for me, that's all."

"I don't want you to be uncomfortable, but you do need to be more honest and open with me."

"I'm never uncomfortable with you. The first time I walked into your office and saw you, I knew you were what I was looking for." He chuckles nervously.

"You knew that, even with your wife sitting next to you?"

He nods without hesitation. "My marriage to Lauren was based on lies, and at that point it had long been over." He sits across from me, pausing briefly. "James and I went to med-school together. He was Lauren's boyfriend before she and I hooked up."

"Edward, you don't have to…"

"He's a pig. That's why I got so worked up when I saw the two of you together. I got flashbacks from when we were in med-school."

"Flashbacks about what?"

"I told you about the night Lauren and I slept together."

"Yes…the night she became pregnant?"

"Well…. what if I told you that it wasn't by accident that she ended up that way?"

"What? Do you mean you planned for her to get pregnant?"

"More like she planned."

"Okay, now I'm really confused. I know that Lauren pursued you, but to purposely get pregnant? And what does James have to do with any of it?"

"After Lauren lost the baby, she was a mess, I'm talking borderline hysterical. She was out of her mind with grief. One moment she was blaming me for losing the baby, and the next she was pleading with me to forgive her. I understood that losing a child was devastating, I was living it with her, but she started saying things that made no sense. Until one day they did."

He grasps his hair, and his knee bounces rapidly. I reach for his hand and ease from his hair. I want him to relax; this is obviously a difficult moment for him.

He looks down at my hand holding his and laces his fingers through mine.

"We were having yet another bad argument. I'm sure that as always, she was being paranoid about another woman, I can't recall fully. All she seemed to want to argue about back then were her unfounded suspicion, the same fight, over and over. On that day, I finally, I got fed up and tried to just walk away.

Then she started screaming hateful shit, saying I wasn't the man I thought I was. I wasn't the big "womanizer" I'd built myself up to be. It was weird because even though I wasn't a saint, I was far from a womanizer back then."

"That had to be really hurtful, especially since you were just dealing with the loss of your son."

"Yes…. anyway, I tried to ignore her, and as I was leaving, she kept taunting me, saying how amazing it was that a man who prided himself on having control over women had lost his control to a woman, or something of that nature." He sighs and hangs his head, breaking our eye contact.

He tightens his grip on my hand, and I wince, he immediately notices my discomfort.

"Shit. I'm so sorry." He unlaces our fingers and takes my hand in both of his and caresses it gently.

"I'm all right. Edward…what did Lauren do to you?"

"Nothing. I'll get you a warm compress."

"My hand is fine, Edward. Talk to me. What did she do to you, and what does James have to do with it?"

His looks back and me and slides his hand from mine and gently caresses my cheek. "I'll be right back," he stands up. I grab hold of his and rise to my feet.

"Tell me, Edward."

He steps closer, his hand on my face then slowly moves it to thread through the hair at the nape of my neck. His eyes dart back and forth between my eyes and mouth. I watch with bated breath as his tongue, slips out briefly, wetting his lips.

"Edward…"

"You're so beautiful."

"Please, don't use sex to avoid the issue. Talk to me."

"Who said anything about sex?" My heart thumps wildly in my chest. He leans in closer until his lips brush against mine. A small gasp escapes me, and he takes the opportunity to slip his bottom lip in between mine and kisses me deeply. My hand latches onto his firm forearm, urging him not to stop.

He deepens the kiss, and I can't seem to control my breathing.

He finally pulls away only to place kisses along my neck, back up to my chin before returning to my lips.

My head's spinning, even as my body continues to encourage him. He rests his forehead against mine.

"What answer can I give to you that won't make you run away?" His eyes are closed as he draws circles under my jaw with the pads of his thumbs.

"I-I'm not running. I'm right here. Tell me the truth," I whisper still, feeling dazed.

"Our first kiss wasn't supposed to be like this."

"Do you hear me complaining?"

"Maybe we should try again."

"Edward…" I push him away. "Tell me!"

"She fucking drugged me, alright!"

I gasp.

"She drugged me, and James supplied her with the Rohypnol to do it. That very bottle over there. Are you satisfied?"

I'd suspected something as awful as this when he started recounting events, but it sounds even worse coming from him. I can't believe it. Lauren had me convinced that Edward created all the problems in their marriage, when all the time she was the one.

I watch as he paces the floor. He's worked himself up into a state of anxiety.

"Y-you were assaulted." I whisper, as I try to make sense of everything that I thought I knew. He stops abruptly.

"What?"

His jaw is tightly clenched, his eyes wild. I hadn't realized that I'd spoken loud enough for him to hear.

"I said you were …"

"Christ! You sound just like my brother! She drugged me! I was drunk, but I remember going up to that room with her, and I remember having had sex with her, Bella."

"You said you couldn't recall anything after that."

"I knew what I was doing every goddamned minute!" He snaps.

"Edward…."

"No…. don't do that. Don't look at me that way."

"What way?"

"Like I'm… weak or something. I was drunk, Bella. I was drunk and stupid."

"And you were also drugged and taken advantage of, and they should both be in jail for it."

"Oh, please don't go off on some 'in the name of justice' crusade," he scoffs. "I realize we aren't in session right now, but don't you even think about repeating this to anyone."

"I would never do that, but, Edward, I think ... I think you're blocking, or not dealing with what happened to you."

"I know what rape is, Bella. I. Wasn't. Raped!"

I lower my head. I don't want him to see what I'm thinking. He bends down trying to make eye contact.

"What? Why are you trying to avoid me now?"

"It's nothing." I shake my head, trying to break his intense stare.

"Bullshit. Tell me what you're thinking."

"It's just…."

"Will you just spit it out?"

"When you believed that I had accused you of giving the drug to me, you referred to it as me seeing you as a rapist."

"Because that's how you were seeing me. If I had given you that drug and had sex with you, that's exactly what I would've been."

"But not Lauren?" I regret it the minute the words leave my mouth, the second I see the look on his face. It's a mixture of confusion and fury.

"It's not the same," he gnashes his teeth.

"Why? Because you're a man?"

His face goes blank and then, like a shield, he appears to protect himself with his blazing anger. Anyone else would probably be afraid, but I'm not. I feel pain for him. My chest feels like it's constricting with every breath I take, with each labored one he takes. He stills himself, emotions firmly repressed.

"Edward…"

"You should go." He says calmly and heads toward the stairs.

"Edward…. I'm sorry…. please don't. Damn it!" I berate myself, as he remains unresponsive. I watch helplessly as he disappears, not giving me a second look.

I wait, hoping that he'll return, and finally I gather my handbag and jacket and leave. The soft click of the latch echoes the hollow finality that I feel.