Chapter Twenty-seven
Numb.
That was what he felt right now. His whole body was numb and he knew that the numbing sensation wasn't just in his head, it was really happening. But from what he could remember he was thankful that he couldn't feel anything at the moment. At the moment however his mind seemed to be still functioning as it usually would, even if it was going a little slower than normal, it was still working. Even if he had no idea where he was or how he had gotten there. Whatever was happening with his body his mind seemed to be not affected as the moment. Wherever he was, something inside his head told him that he was safe. That he didn't need to worry about someone trying to kill him or attack him. He didn't need to worry. He had no idea how he knew he was safe but he did. Even though he couldn't see what was around him he was slowly working somethings out.
He remembered the moment before everything went black was that hadn't been alone when he collapsed. He remembered very clearly that right before he kissed the floor of the briefing room, his godfather had been right in front of him and caught him as he fell. That image both haunted him and also comforted him. He trusted the man with his life, even though he hadn't been in it very much. More than his real father anyway. But unlike his real father, his godfather actually gave a damn about him. He could remember lying there on the hard cold floor of the briefing room but wrapped tightly in his godfather's grip. He felt safe then like nothing could touch him. He knew that he sounded a bit childish but he didn't care. The man had helped him when he had just started out in the Navy. Had trained with him for Buds so he felt like he was ready to face whatever challenges being Ash Spenser's son. He also knew that he wouldn't be the Seal he was today without his help.
Thinking back to when he collapsed he found himself laid on something soft. Well, not too soft that he sunk into the material but he knew that he was not on the floor still. Also, there was a piece of material that was laid over his waist and his legs. He could feel the material underneath his fingers, it was soft but had a ruff texture to it. He had felt this fabric before...he knew he had. And then it clicked. He was either in a hospital room which would really piss him off as he hated being in a hospital all together or he was in the med bay which was better than the hospital but still he wasn't happy about it.
However, even though his mind was working it seemed to be the only thing that was working. The connection between his brain and the rest of his body seemed to be at the moment out of order. It was either that or his body was not cooperating at all. During the briefing, he had started to become unwell and felt like he had wanted to throw everything that had been in his stomach, which was very little, all over the table. And as time went on it was only getting worse. The pain hit every single nerve in his body with a fire-scorching pain and that in turn had caused him to feel the pain that only could be described as like having all of his limbs ripped out of their sockets and left to hang. Even breathing was painful. Every inch of his body screamed for the pain to stop. And thankfully soon after the pain had got to a level that he knew even Sonny would claim was too much did his brain finally said that was enough and shut down.
Now all he felt was the numbing wave throughout his body. But because he wasn't in pain anymore he felt like he couldn't just sit around and do nothing. That wasn't in her nature. He wanted and needed to move. Even a little. Mainly to juts move his head so see where he truly was and what was around him. However, there was a slight problem with his plan, well a really big problem, and that was the fact that his eyelids felt like they were attached to weights and locked down. It was like he was trapped inside his own head again and that scared him. His head was not somewhere he wanted to be trapped in again. It only caused more trouble for not just him but for everyone involved. But mainly his brothers.
His brothers. They were his family. But like a family, he knew that they were very overprotective of him and more so when he was hurt. He was worried about what they were doing right now because he knew that as soon as they had heard about his 'episode' then they would be camped out in the waiting room interrogating every member of the medical staff as they left the room. He also knew that they were more likely waiting for him to wake up before ripping him a new one for pushing himself so far and not listening to them. Clay just wished that one of his nice nurses would hit him with the good stuff right before they started at him so he was too high that he couldn't understand a word they were saying. Clay knew in his heart that his brothers would have done everything in their power to make sure that he wasn't in pain. But that was from outside forces, and wouldn't stop them from killing him for scaring them once again.
The debriefing. He knew that it was one of the reasons for him being in the bed. And he knew that his brothers were going to let him know that they hadn't wanted him to go through it just yet. Clay had thought that as a little odd to begin with as a debriefing meant closure, why wouldn't they want him to get the closure he needed on the op? Because only then would he be able to heal properly so he could move on and get back to the team. That was all he wanted to do. Be back with his brothers. In that, he was really kicking himself for accepting the op when he wasn't cleared for work. He had made everything worse. He had been so close to been signed off and able to return to Bravo but he had screwed it all up. Again.
He seemed to screw a lot up recently. Maybe the others would still be alive if he hadn't taken on the mission. He knew that it was silly. That Jones would have betrayed the team if he was there or not and maybe they would never have found out that he was on Zurkoff's payroll until it was too late. How many of his brothers and sister would have to lose their lives before they had worked out that Jones had been selling them out? Maybe it was for the best that he was there. He just wished that he had been able to save the others.
Thinking back to the team, he only hoped that their families could find closure in knowing that the man responsible for their deaths was dead. Even though he had only been with the team a couple of days he had found himself thinking of them as brothers. He had talked to Jimmy had talked often about his son who had been born with a rare heart condition but had so much life. Clay had also listened to Alex's and John's arguments over the laptop settings, it was funny to watch and reminded him a little of Sonny's and Davis' talks when the two ended up arguing. However, it was his time with Richie that he treasured the most. He reminded him so much of Richard, his old CO. It was sort of funny that the two men had the same name and were so much alike that Clay had thought Richard had been reborn in a way into Richie if they weren't around the same age. Working with Richie had caused Clay a lot of pain but also some joy. The two men were built the same, however, his old CO had broader shoulders than Richie. But what was the funniest thing was that the two men had the same look when someone was talking crap to them. Thinking back to his time on Chalk 2, he chuckled thinking about all the times Richard had sent him the look because he had said something that was either stupid or downright crazy or had wanted to say something that could get him into a lot of trouble. Normally that happened when they were dealing with an officer and Richard didn't want his number two in the Brigg.
The two men had kind hearts that weren't suited for their line of work. Their outer shell was hardened because of their jobs. Both were covered in scars of the close calls and near misses. Clay knew the stories behind some of Richard's scars and Richie had told him a story or two about his at night when neither of them could sleep. But their hearts were in the right place. Richie had also told him about his time within Delta, not mission details but enough to know that Richie had seen the worse of humanity just like him. However, Richie had told him something that he knew that he needed to remember. And that was when the job got easy and he started to the enemy in his dreams that he either got help or retire. Also to do the same if things got too hard and he felt like he was falling apart.
Those words had brought up Swanny a little. Swanny had lost everything and in the end, it had cost him his life. Something that Clay would never forget. He did blame himself for not seeing the signs any earlier and been able to stop Swanny from taking his own life. And he would have to live with that guilt for the rest of his life.
Thinking back to the debriefing and to his brothers, he thought back to how they had all reacted to the news that he had agreed and had personally asked for it to happen. He needed to learn what had happened before and after he had walked into the safe house. He had only seen Alex's body and for a short time, he had hoped that maybe the others had been able to escape but he knew that it was unlikely that they did. Zurkoff clearly didn't want him alive long enough to be rescued and been trapped in a sinking ship was meant to be his watery grave. So it was unlikely that he had left the team alive. He wanted to be there for their funerals but he knew that it was unlikely to happen. The mission was classified which meant even their families would never hear about what had truly happened. And that was the worst part of their jobs. Their families never knowing what had happened to them and sometimes they didn't even get a chance to bury them on home soil. However, they knew the risks when they had enlisted.
On the other hand, it was the rush that the job gave them that Clay really enjoyed. That and the brotherhood that came with it. The Seals were a family. Thinking about his brothers he knew that they weren't happy about his choice to go through with the debriefing but some of them at least understood.
Out of all of his brothers, he knew that Ray was really the only one that supported him. Ray and Clay had spoken at length a few days before Blackburn had turned up about how he was going to get back to the team. It had mainly been at night when he couldn't sleep, Ray had sat up with him in the living room. It wasn't about what had happened in Turkey but really how he was going to get started on his rehab without risking his healing. But mainly without Trent personally killing him for pushing himself too far. Ray knew what it was like to face the possibility of never returning to the teams due to an injury. Ray also knew how dangerous their minds were when given time to overthink everything. And he was there for him when he needed him to be.
Trent had agreed for him to go through with it however was worried about his health. Something that he knew would be brought up in his lecture that they were clearly preparing for him to wake up. He knew that Trent only cared about him and was a stickler for what they call 'Trent's health rules' both at home and in the field. Trent's rules around their health were golden and needed to be followed at all cost. He had broken that rule and knew that he was going to pay for it. One way or another.
Brock understood why he needed to do it and so did Cerb. Cerb had backed him all the way, even changing position in the room and sitting by his side as they told the rest of the team in the base car park. Brock, however, like the others didn't know if the whole thing was a good idea at first but supported him all the same. Thankfully Brock was one of his brothers who would support him even if it was a bad idea because he knew that Clay would support him if roles were reversed.
Sonny, however, had hit the roof. As he knew had would. He wasn't happy. Yes, Sonny was his closest friend and brother which meant that he was very overprotective of everyone but more certainly over him. Ray had promised to let him work out his anger on a punching bag instead of someone's face. Sonny hated not being in control and more so when one of their own was involved in doing something that he wasn't happy about. However, Clay knew that he was likely to get into a shouting match with him as soon as he could.
Jason wasn't comfortable with the whole thing at all, however, he wouldn't say anything to anymore about what was going on inside his head. Just like normal. Clay thought that maybe it was due to him going behind his back to Blackburn however he knew that Jason wouldn't have allowed it to happen. Not until he was certain that Clay was well enough to deal with both the physically and mentally problems that came with reliving the mission details. He knew that Jason cared for him but knew that Jason would be there for him if he needed him. And right now, he knew that he would need him. Not as his boss. But as a fellow Seal.
As time went on, his hearing started to come back to him. The sound of a slow and constant beeping that was coming from just above his head. It sounded familiar but at the same time was different. He guessed that with him being in a hospital room the beeping. Clay then heard something to his right, a sound that he also knew. The sound of a chair moving against the floor like someone had leaned back into a chair so much that it moved the back legs a little. Someone was sat in a chair right next to his bed, and then in the silence, he heard something else. The sound of typing came to mind. Like the person was typing something on their phone. From the speed of which they were going Clay knew that it was either Jason or Sonny. Neither of them could type very fast.
As he tried to open his eyes a little, he found it near enough impossible but he did it after four failed attempts. However, then he regretted. The sudden flash of light caused his head to explode. Doing that wasn't the best idea. His body was now not happy with his brain at all. Normally his brain had better ideas than his body. Normally it was the other way round and more so when he was out on the town with Sonny. His mind told him it was a really bad idea whilst his hand went for another beer. The sudden light and the pain couldn't stop him sending out a groan. He knew that in that moment that he had told the person next to him that he was indeed awake.
"Welcome back." A voice said causing Clay to sign again. It was Jason. Then the sound of Jason moving and the sound of a switch caused Clay to get even more confused. What was Jason doing?
"Try again," Jason said. Clay could only guess that he was referring to opening his eyes.
"What I do?" Clay groaned as he slowly opened his eyes again. He was in the med bay. Clay turned his head to face his boss who he guessed looked worse than him at this very moment. The man looked tired and stressed. Something that was plaguing him at the moment.
"Well, you tried to rush the briefing and ended up face planting the floor," Jason said leaning forward resting his elbows on the bed.
"What?" Clay asked, looking at Jason more clearly as his eyes started to focus more.
Jason signed and knew that Clay would likely not know or remember what had happened. But he had hoped that someone else had been here like a doctor or a nurse to tell Clay the technical terms that would describe what had happened. But no such luck. It was on him, again. "Docs say its a mixture of exhaustion, dehydration and stress."
"Oh," Clay said reclosing his eyes. He wasn't ready to have the conversation yet and hoped that Jason would leave it alone if he fell back asleep.
"These nightmares you are having..." Jason started to ask but Clay knew what he was getting at. It wasn't something either wanted to do but Clay knew that it was a conversation that needed to happen. They all knew that Clay's nightmares were likely because of what had happened and was something that they all wanted to know. However, on the other hand, they didn't want to push Clay too far that he broke completely.
"They're the same one," Clay muttered not opening his eyes again. He didn't want to see the disappointed look on his boss' face when he said it. He felt like a real failure, he was meant to be a tough Navy Seal that could deal with anything that was thrown at him and yet he couldn't handle this. He was such a loser. Just like his dad.
"Which is..." Jason started, he knew that it wasn't the type of conversation that he any of them enjoyed but it was something that needed to happen. "Clay you need to talk to someone... if that's not me then one of the guys..." Jason finally said looking at Clay's face carefully. He could see the pain in Clay's face as he spoke.
"I drowned... you weren't there and I just drowned," Clay whispered trying and failing to hold back the tears. He felt them fall from his eyes and ran down the side of his face. He was so weak. He shouldn't be crying but he couldn't help it. He couldn't stop it either. Just saying those words made it all so real. He could feel the water enter his lips and force its way down his nose. He was drowning all over again.
"But we were there," Jason said firmly and gripped hold of Clay's hand. Letting his kid know that he was right there and he wasn't back in that ship.
"I know," Clay whispered as he felt his emotion grip ahold of him even more. He hated feeling weak and more so in front of his boss but maybe this was long overdue. His emotions had finally gotten the better of him.
"But the feeling is still there?" Jason asked already knowing the answers.
Clay opened his eyes and looked at Jason and slowly nodded. "It's stupid." Clay chuckled and shook his head before looking away from Jason not wanting his boss to see his real emotion.
"What is?" Jason asked. He needed Clay to talk to him. Get this emotion that he had built up since he had remembered everything out. Before he exploded.
"I still can feel the water doesn't matter where I am I still feel it...reminded me of SERE training a little but it wasn't stopping the water kept coming." Clay said quietly. Even saying the words made it all feel real again. Like he was back on that ship praying for his brothers to come and save him. However in his nightmares that never happened. He slowly drowned and fell into the darkness.
Jason took in Clay's admission. Things were now making sense, now Clay had become so quiet lately. The poor kid couldn't work out where the dream was real or not. It explained the screams. Then an idea popped inside his head. Something that he knew he owned Adam for. "I want you to think about that again...the SERE training."
Clay eyes darted at him, with confusion written clearly all over his face. SERE training was the worst part of their training but something that Jason knew Clay was thankful for.
"Who pulled you out?" Jason asked gripping hold of Clay's hand and squeezed it tight like there was a force that locked them together. When Clay didn't answer straight away, Jason answered his own question for him.
"We did. Bravo. We got you out of that drum and we got you out of that ship. We are a family Clay, we pull each other out of the fire." Jason explained, all the while holding Clay's eyes. He needed the kid to understand that they were there for him no matter what happened or what he did. They were a family and no one was going to break that.
"But..." Clay started and Jason saw his lip quiver. The kid had doubts about them.
"No buts. We protect each other no matter what the other one has done in the past. We are family." Jason said with a lot of force the last bit. He needed the kid to see what he saw. That Clay was part of their family not just in the field but at home as well.
"I didn't want to bother you." Clay finally admitted. Clay knew that he sounded like a kid been told off but he didn't care. All of his emotion was too close to the surface to make his voice sound anything but emotional.
"Why?" Jason asked softly. He knew that the kid was close to completely falling apart in front of him so he needed to be careful. He wanted Clay to tell him what was running through his head but didn't want to make everything worst. But thinking back, maybe that was the problem because not talking was also for him. So he didn't have to deal with the fact that he had failed his kid again and again. Clay was one hell of a Seal and was going to make one hell of a team leader but yet again he had failed him. He had failed him after they had lost Adam and then Swanny and now again he was failing him. All the while the kid had been worried about bothering him? What was he thinking?
"You have your own crap to deal with," Clay muttered as he shrugged his shoulders. Hoping that Jason wouldn't keep pushing.
It took Jason a minute to get what Clay had said to him. Clay hadn't wanted to bother him with his own problems because he was worried about his problems. To be truthful Jason knew Clay was right. he crap he was dealing with was getting to him but looking after one of his own made him feel like he ha some propose again. Like he was making a difference. Emma was off at College and Mikey away at school he had nothing else to focus on but his memories. Things that he didn't want to think about. Alana. Adam. Swanny. Nate. Steve and the rest of Echo. All his lost brothers. He couldn't stop it.
"I don't care Clay. You come to me with anything." Jason ordered, he knew he was using his Master Chief's voice but he had no chose. He needed to get Clay to understand that he was always going to be there for him.
"I can't sleep." Clay finally admitted and once again he couldn't stop the tears from falling. He wanted to sleep, god he did but he didn't want to face the dream again.
"Can't or don't want too?" Jason asked, once again he already knew the answer.
"Both... I hate having to relive it again and again." Clay ranted. He felt like he was ranting but didn't care. He needed to get it out. Maybe he had kept this all in for too long.
"You're not alone," Jason whispered again gripping Clay's hand. They all relived things in their dreams and not all of them good. It was how they dealt with them that mattered and Clay wasn't dealing with them, he was letting them win. Clay nodded. He knew Jason was right, he had tried to fit it himself like normal. And like normal, he had failed at it.
"Good. That doesn't mean you aren't going to hear how stupid you have been lately." Jason said leaning back in his chair smiling at Clay with a smile that Clay knew meant he was in trouble.
"Any chance they can knock me out again?" Clay asked hopefully.
"Nope. Not happening. Better to face it now or Sonny might actually kill you this time." Jason said with a small chuckle before getting to his feet and looking down at his injured Seal.
"Would you let him?" Clay asked, actually interested in Jason's answer.
"I'm pissed at you too kid," Jason admitted but knew that Clay knew that they would never actually hurt him.
"I'm sorry," Clay said looking directly at Jason to make sure that his boss knew that he was serious about his apology.
Jason looked down and took Clay's hand back into his. "You were there for me when I lost Alana. You were there for me when I got hurt in the chopper crash..." Jason started but Clay interrupted him, he knew where Jason was going with this and he wasn't going to let him.
"Just doing my job boss." Clay stated. And he made sure that Jason knew he was serious.
"And so am I. You are my responsibility, Clay. It's my job to make sure you are ok and I've failed at that lately." Jason admitted, it was hard for him to admit that he had failed one of his men and more so to his face but he had too. That feeling had been eating him up ever since he had found out Clay was missing.
"No, you haven't," Clay said shocked at Jason's confession.
"Look where you are Clay." Jason started throwing his arm around the room to remind Clay where they were. Maybe if he had taken more care with Clay they would be at his place, enjoying Naima's cooking or some beers in the garden. Not in the med bay of the base waiting for the doctors to clear Clay so they all could go home.
"It's my fault. I knew I wasn't ready but I wanted to know what was happening." Clay finally admitted and knew that what he had said had answered a few of the guys' questions and hopefully he wouldn't have to repeat it again in front of them. 'I told you so' response he knew he would get from Sonny if he had heard that. Something that he didn't want to hear right now.
"Did you get your answers?" Jason asked crossing his arms. He wanted to know if Clay had finally gotten the answers that he wanted, maybe then he could find some closure.
"Yes and no... guess I will never know some of them," Clay said shrugging his shoulders.
"Good now... you ready for the guys," Jason said grinning like a Cheshire cat.
Clay groaned but knew there was no point dragging the whole thing out. "Guess so."
"Good because my phone has been going off every five minutes asking if you're up," Jason said pulling out his phone from his pocket.
Clay groaned again and knew that he was in for it now.
"Better you than me kid," Jason said with a chuckled before moving towards the door. This was going to be good.