Severus, Potter, and Everything in the Wrong Order (Also, Without the Phoenix)
It came as an unexpected familiarity, seeing Dolores Umbridge sitting at the head table. "Hem-hem," she coughed, and Severus internally retched.
In her classes she preached that the Ministry had everything under control, that there was no danger, and that there were new laws allowing students to use their wands to Obliviate if needed.
She then proceeded to try to teach fifth year and up the spell. They practised on Nifflers, who were shown a fork, which was then hidden under a hat, and then the creature was Obliviated.
Severus was not sure about the practical application of making a Muggle forget they'd seen something shiny. He'd much prefer they all knew to cast a decent Shield Charm and learnt some basic duelling. Perhaps even something more obviously offensive than a stunner.
The rest of the school, apparently, agreed.
… …
The first sign of protest was when three Nifflers disappeared—only to turn up in the middle of the night, halfway through ransacking the Trophy Room.
The second was the Weasleys' Wheezes line of Nosebleed Nougats appearing on Hogwarts' black market. Severus knew exactly where they had gotten their funding, and almost regretted having given Hudley an allowance.
The third sign was a school-wide whisper that Harry Potter was starting a defence club.
Naturally, Severus was the last to find out.
… …
"I am not organising your little club," Severus hissed on the morning of Hudley's sixteenth birthday.
"That wasn't even a little scary," Hudley groused. "I thought the tradition was to be scary."
"Do you really want to see me when I'm scary?" Severus hissed, louder this time.
"Alright, alright. You won't run the DA. I figured as much."
"Then I am sure you are going to explain all about this club to me—which I found out I am running via rumor mill."
Hudley grinned. "It's part of my Dastardly Plan. Umbridge will be all over you for the club you're not running. Meanwhile, I'll be running the actual club. It'll be brilliant. Think what it'll do for morale."
That was…actually not such a bad idea. "Fine," he said, and climbed under Hudley's covers.
He could probably get in a decent nap before breakfast.
… …
"The staff have elected I speak to you about the one-student-per-bed policy at Hogwarts," Severus' Professor-self started their usual meeting—usually he just gave Severus a recipe to brew.
It was hard to tell which of them was more mortified.
"I promise not to get caught again, if you promise not to have that conversation with me," Severus suggested.
His Professor-self sniffed. "You are aware that even with the Wizarding World's high tolerance of incest, first-cousin relationships are frowned upon."
Severus turned on him, barely keeping a lid on his brimming fury. "It's not like that. And besides, I know all sorts of things about you, Professor. Things that range from my mother's initials on your wall over there, to how you straddled both sides of the last war, to your recurring brewing of Haemorrhoid Healer. Are you certain you want to continue this conversation?"
They worked in silence after that.
Except, when Severus left just before curfew, he heard his Professor-self say, "You would have made a great Slytherin, Potter."
Severus went to bed feeling smug.
… …
If you like this fic, you'll likely enjoy my others too. I have an adult HP/SS called Not as Clever at /s/12987401
I also have a Twilight parody called oh, whatever at /s/13308730
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Shout out to Paignion over on reddit for sharing Eider Down's and my stories. Thank you. We are both delighted.