28. On Your Side

Marie was used to having the Agency locker room to herself so early. It was a quiet place to collect her thoughts as she changed before morning briefings. Though she had no claim to the privacy, she was irked to find Agent Five already cross-legged on a bench today.

"Morning, ma'am." The younger agent stood as Marie dropped her duffle. "Sorry to pounce first thing, but you're hard to track down."

"This is about Serashura, isn't it?"

"Aha. Read my mind. Did you get in touch with Fayuda?"

"I'm working on it."

"Roger, but I can't sit on the paperwork forever. Have an ETA?"

"No, Hana. I don't have an ETA." Marie wrenched her locker door open. "She's been silent."

"Huh. Shame, but maybe we should go ahead without her. She doesn't need to be there."

"If she didn't need to be there, I wouldn't have asked you to help me stall. Was I wrong to trust you?"

Agent Five blinked, lips parted in surprise. "No way. I just hadn't heard from you, so…"

"You'll hear when there's a plan to hear."

"I was only following up. You know I'm sticking my neck out for you, right?"

"No, you're not. You're following orders. My orders. I have a briefing in fifteen, and I'd like to get dressed in private if you don't mind."

Agent Five sniffed. "Roger that, ma'am. Warn me next time you're looking for a head to bite off." She stalked out of the locker room and let the door slam behind her.

Marie yanked off her civilian clothes and flung each piece into her duffle, adding another name to the list of apologies she'd have to make.

I really am turning into Mom.

"Callie. Hold up." Marie jogged to catch up with her cousin after the briefing.

Callie let out the yawn she'd held down during the meeting. "Still no call from Goji, if that's what you're about to ask."

"Nothing? Damn it…"

"I told you it was a bad idea," Callie said. "Aunt Naga's going to find out."

"Let her. I didn't cut any corners except getting Gramps' signature on the form instead of hers."

"Pretty sharp corner."

"It's not breaking procedure, but Agent Five just…" Marie paused as two staffers passed in the hall. "I'm getting pressure to get this done. Ride over to the studio with me. We need to talk through a plan."

"I hate riding in your car," Callie whined, slumping against the elevator wall. "We can go together, but I'm driving."

"Fair."

"We're stopping for coffee and muffins."

"Also fair." They stepped off the elevator and headed for the locker rooms. "Thanks, Cal."

"I'll be thanking you. You're treating."

The Solafex hit Goji hard. Like any psychotropic, it tended to make a patient worse before stabilizing her moods. Knowing the science didn't take the whiplash out of the highs and lows. Each of the three mornings since taking the first pill, she woke with dread in her heart and panic in her veins. By each afternoon, she was one loose thought away from tears; each night, torpid and numb.

Ruby saw the change immediately and tried to accommodate, which only made Goji feel guiltier. Light duty left room for her thoughts to wander. Her mind veered off course at the slightest push. Fear skittered through the gaps like a thousand hungry spiders. The only way to keep it at bay was to force her body through the motions of familiar work.

She had an early shift on the fourth day. Her alarm pulled her from a nightmare so vivid that she rolled out of bed with a scream. A bleary-eyed Kiyo had stumbled into her room and somehow coaxed her off the floor. He stayed up with her, yawning and munching on cereal while she dressed, and he was only half-joking when he offered to drive her ("Come on, I look old enough. How hard can it really be?").

Ruby was watching for her arrival at the clinic, as had been her habit lately. She didn't comment that Goji was twenty minutes late.

"Any better this morning?" she asked as she followed her nurse to the staff room. "I was getting worried."

Goji shook her head.

"Did you have breakfast?"

Another shake of the head.

"I thought not." Ruby pulled a strawberry granola bar from her pocket. "I remembered your favorite. You don't lift a finger here until you eat."

Goji numbly took it, looking down at Ruby's feet. "It's worse today. I want to stop."

"You're nearly through the low."

"Don't care."

"Give it two more days," said Ruby. "If it's no better, we'll talk about an adjustment. Can you do that?"

Goji's feet prickled with the urge to flee – but from what, she couldn't say. "I'll try." She picked her breakfast from its wrapper. Favorite or not, like everything else, it was tasteless dust in her mouth.

But Ruby's hug was tight and warm.

"You've got this, baby girl. I'm with you all the way."

Two more unbearable days. What then?

Her phone stirred in her pocket. Assuming it was Kiyo texting to check on her, she pulled it out, and froze.

[Got some great news for u about Octo,] read Callie's text. [Hoping for ur help tho. Lunch?]

"Who's that?" Ruby asked. "Is it her?"

"N… no," Goji said. "Just Kiyo. It's fine."

"You don't look fine."

Goji shrugged and stuffed her phone back in her pocket. "He said he'll be out again tonight. Can't blame him. I wouldn't want to spend time with me either."

"Oh, Goji... I don't want you to be alone. How about we get dinner after closing?"

"Um. Maybe. Thanks."

Ruby smiled and patted her shoulder. "Finish your bar and come find me in the office. Got some things you can help me with."

When she'd gone, Goji read Callie's message again. It was no coincidence that this came after Marie's many attempts to call, but if the news was really about Sera, then Goji had a duty to respond, no matter how much it hurt. She sent back two words:

[Clinic. Noon.]

The black jeep was waiting in the parking lot when Goji walked out into the drizzle. Callie in her teal disguise stretched across the seat to open the door for her.

"Hop in. I'm starving. We have the worst luck with weather for our lunch dates, huh?"

Goji held up her phone screen with Callie's text. "Are you asking for help, or is it Marie?"

"Right to the point again," Callie muttered. "It's really the Octo. She just doesn't know it yet. Marie got her off the watch list."

The news should've made Goji's heart soar. "Marie got her off?"

"Yep." Callie turned on the road to the little Octarian food shack called Arella's. "We both think the discharge procedure will be smoother with you there."

"You both think I'm stupid. She doesn't care about Sera. She wants to get to me." Fingers of fear gripped Goji's throat.

"Oh, it was totally to impress you, but she has a point, too. I still haven't met this kid, but according to Marie, she thinks we're all out to get her. It'd be best if you were there, and Marie's willing to sit out if that's what it takes."

Goji took three deep breaths to quell the panic rising from her gut. She didn't speak until they parked. "Who will be there? I don't want to see your aunt or the captain."

"Just me and Agent Five. You remember Hana, right? She got a promotion – head of surveillance now."

"Of course I remember."

"She was hoping to see you. So, whatcha want to eat? It's easier to make choices on a full stomach. Let's go." She hopped down onto to the grassy gravel.

Goji followed with leaden feet. Rain on her mantle sent a chill down her neck, and she shoved her hands deeper in her pockets. Like last time, the lunchtime crowd had queued in front of the pink shack. She bumped into Callie at the end of the line. "Sorry."

Callie leaned down into her field of view. "Hey. I thought hearing this would brighten your day."

"I'm happy for Sera."

"You look like you'll never be happy again." Callie studied her through her jewel-blue lenses. "I'm worried about you. Maybe you should stay out of it after all."

"I'll be there for Sera," Goji snapped, loud enough to turn heads. She blushed and looked down again. "I started this mess. I'll see her through it."

"She'll like having you there," Callie said carefully. "But I'm still worried about you."

"Everybody is." Goji glared at her feet as the queue shuffled ahead.

When they finally reached the counter, Callie ordered for her again. They took their lunches back to the jeep, and she tore into another softshell sandwich.

"Mmph. Still the best."

Goji had lost what little appetite she felt. She sat with her hands clamped around her noodle carton. "How did Marie get Sera cleared? What strings did she pull?"

"She just showed Gramps the facts. Your Octo knows how to behave herself."

"Marie was hard on Sera from the start. She didn't have a sudden change of heart. It was all about me."

"She's trying to show you she's on your side."

"She's always on her own side. Sera deserved her freedom anyway. This doesn't get Marie any favor from me."

"Not even a little?" Callie pulled a leg from her softshell and pensively nibbled the end. "Maybe I should've started off with this: she and I had a long talk last week. She told me some of the crap leading up to this point. I haven't seen her cry so hard in years. Not while sober, anyway."

"She doesn't get my pity."

"She doesn't want pity. Look, can I share some things with you? I think it'd be good for you to hear."

Goji shook her head. "You came to ask if I'd help Sera. I agreed. That's it."

"Goji…"

"That's IT!" Goji's mantle burst in red. Her ears flattened and a traitorous tear escaped her eye. She swiped it away. "What fantasy ending does she think she'll get from me? 'Oh, Marie, what a wonder you are for doing your fucking job!' I can't believe you're cheerleading for her aftershe told you what she's done. Maybe you need the real stories."

"Hun, maybe you should put those hooks away and let me talk."

"I'm tired of talking. Tired of damn tired all the time." Goji was crying again – pathetic, weak, useless. She dug her hooks into her legs to anchor herself against the panic and pain. "I don't want your worries. I want to sleep forever. Just waking up is hell. I can't do it anymore."

Callie slowly shifted to her native pink. "How should I take that?"

"Take it how you want."

"What would Kiyoza do without you?"

"Marie would take care of him. She'd give him a better life than I ever could. He'd be happier."

"I think he'd have something to say about that."

Goji glowered at her. Her indigo muted the angry red into sullen, smoky mauve. "You've never even met him. What do you know? What do either of you know?"

"I know to take people seriously when they talk about never waking up and the world being better off without them. That's scary shit."

"Go on. Call me crazy."

"You're not," Callie said. "But I can read between the lines. You take the easy way out and Kiyoza will blame himself forever. I don't have to be his best bud to know that. It's just what kids do when family members hurt themselves."

Goji bit down hard on her tongue.

"People usually hate the first one to suggest this," Callie went on. "So it might as well be me. If you're thinking along those lines, get help. Talk to somebody, and if that doesn't work, suck it up and get on meds."

"You're not the first one." Goji stuck a hand in her purse and yanked out the little yellow bottle. She held it up and kept her eyes focused out the window. "It's been four days. Never felt worse."

"Don't they take a while to work?"

Goji dropped the bottle back in its place and said nothing. Outside, two Octoling children chased each other around the gravel lot. Their mother scolded them when they ran too close to the train tracks. She looked only a few years older than Goji.

"Hey. You with me?"

"Hm?"

"I said, doesn't Solafex take a while to work? Four days isn't that long."

Goji had had enough talk. "It's almost 1:00. I need to go back."

Callie shook her head but didn't argue. She was quiet on the quick drive back and returned to her teal disguise as she turned into the parking lot. "You know, you're doing the right thing, but I'm still worried."

"Don't tell Marie." Callie hesitated, and Goji glared at her. "If she knew, she'd never leave me alone. Promise you won't tell her."

"I won't tell her," Callie relented. "But I will call tonight to check on you. You better answer. Deal?"

"Fine." Goji made to leave, but Callie held her arm.

"Goji."

"I have to go."

"Your mom never gave up," Callie said. "Don't you give up now."

"Don't preach to me about my mother," Goji snarled. "If I had half her strength, I wouldn't need pills to keep me from losing my mind. I wouldn't wake up every day wishing I were dead. Hell! Maybe Mom would still be here! Then she could tell me to my face what a fuckup I am."

"You're not a fuckup," Callie insisted, "and your mom would never think you were."

"You didn't know her."

"You did. Would she think that? I'd bet everything I own that she wouldn't. She of all people would never hold some medication against you."

Goji curled up in her seat. Of course Callie was right. Mom lived on meds for five long years – meds that turned her stomach, spoiled her sleep, weakened her and softened her hooks and nails. The treatments made her sicker than the cancer, but she took them every day without complaint. If she were here, she'd coax Goji to do the same.

No fuss, Goji-berry. You want to get better, don't you?

Lluvia Fayuda would never dream of calling her children fuckups.

Callie was speaking again, but Goji didn't hear. She twisted the cap off the bottle, shook out one tiny white disc, and put it on her tongue. It dissolved with the acrid taste of earwax.

"Goji? Are you listening?"

"I have to go." Goji dropped her pills back into her purse and put up her hood.

"Wait. When can you meet us at the Octo's place?"

"Her name is Sera," Goji said. "Pick a night. I'll be there."

"What about Marie? Would you rather she not come?"

"Tell her to do whatever she wants." Goji stepped out in the worsening rain. "I'm through with hiding."

"Oh... All right. I'll tell her. Hey – I'll call you tonight, kay?"

Goji shrugged and shut the door.