All of Chandra's heart and soul was cried away by the time she waddled through her front door. Her mother and Jovi, back from their trip, were sitting on the couch, watching Kaladesh news next to a curled up Liliana. Seeing the rest of her family in such a tender moment gave a tight pull on her already knotted stomach.
"Hey, dear. What were you doing out this late?" Pia turned to face her daughter with exhausted eyes, suggesting they had just gotten in.
Looking back at the crack of door still open, the darkness implied she had been out later than she thought. Chandra would have been unable to wager a guess at the time, but she found that trivial and didn't care when she was as long as she was home. Mother would trust her with her life. It'd break her heart if she knew what happened. "I was with Gideon."
"Let me know where you are next time." Chandra agreed and tried to move past everyone. "Now, what the heck did you two do last night," Pia asked looking over at the wretched Liliana.
The knot tightened further as Chandra considered how upset her mother would be if she knew what she had done to Liliana the night before and awed at how much of a disappointment she managed to be in less than a full day. "We were celebrating my birthday," Chandra said sarcastically, knowing her mother would get a kick out of it too.
"I thought it was on the 19th."
"Yeah, me too. Anywa" -
Jovi began swatting at his daughter. "You really should be more culturally sensitive." Liliana, groaning, waving her hand back a few times at her father before folding into herself even tighter.
She must have drank even more than I thought. "It's okay. I appreciated the gesture." An instance of silence was all the encouragement Chandra needed to quickly sneak off to the bathroom where she could take a much needed shower. It was a solemn experience – having no energy left to feel anything other than guilt and a bug bites on her thigh. This is what I get for sitting in the dirt for hours wearing a skirt.
Sneaking off to bed without incident, Chandra hadn't realized just how exhausted she was and fell asleep within a minute of hitting the pillow.
"Are you not coming to class?"
Chandra figured Liliana's question must have been rhetorical since she still sitting on her bed in her 'you couldn't pay me to leave the house today, I just want to be left alone pyjamas' – complete with a hole in both legs and on her left cheek. "I'm not feeling too good."
"Okay, would you like me to get you anything before I leave?"
"Don't worry about it."
"Alright...Before I come home, I will make sure to photocopy my notes." There was a hint of concern in her voice. Chandra knew she neither looked nor sounded sick and Liliana had to realize something was off, but it was too late in the morning for her to try and figure it out.
"If it's too much trouble, don't bother."
"I think I can figure out the photocopier." Liliana left without another word and Chandra assumed the conversation was over until she quickly reemerged with a mug in her hand, shoving it under Chandra's nose. "It should almost be cool enough to drink."
This kind gesture ticked Chandra off. She wanted to order Liliana to stop being sweet, but she'd sooner poor the hot drink in her lap than be so unjustifiably rude. "You didn't have to make me anything." Maybe she really doesn't remember what happened. If she did, there's no way she'd be acting so nice.
"I made it for myself, but you need it more and now I am going to leave before you have a chance to argue."
She wanted to do just that, to tell Liliana off, to break the mug. When stressed enough, her impulsiveness shot from careless to reckless and she made a mental note to watch herself.
Liliana was off for real and Chandra was able to take a deep breath through her nose to take in the smell of tea and isolation and sipped carefully. This is what she thinks almost cool enough to drink is? Taking a larger gulp, she marvelled, what a baby. Once the tea was finished, Chandra got impatient with stewing on her bed and decided she should at least get up to pee.
Ever so slightly bare assed, Chandra took to drifting through the house, wishing she'd find inspiration, or at least a distraction; as if a wish from a monkey's paw, Jovi greeted her with a "good morning." Confident she had been home alone, she spasmmed nearly hard enough to fall to the floor.
Her reaction was apparent since Jovi chuckled at it. "Sorry, your mom told me you are a bit jumpy."
Still reeling and embarrassed, Chandra took the closest seat in order to hide her shame. "I just didn't realize anyone was home."
Jovi shrugged. "No job to go to."
"This is the first time I've seen you home during the day."
"I suppose I do spend most of my days gallivanting around." He went to go fix himself something to drink and Chandra was eager to see what it would be. She always thought you could tell a lot about a person based on whether they drank tea or coffee. "I will get around to getting one of those job things eventually. Do you think I could figure out how to use a cash register?"
If there was anything Chandra could sniff out like a hound, it was self deprecation. "You don't have to do that...Put yourself down for my sake."
Waiting for the kettle to boil, Jovi sat across from her at the table. "No, I suppose not."
She wanted to ask why he did – to pretend she didn't already know the answer. Jovi was a charming and confident man and his mannerisms only seemed meek when talking to her. "I guess that's on me though. I did a shit job at making you feel welcome."
"You had every right to be defensive. My character references were not stunning and you were just looking out for your mom."
"Was I though? I have a justified distrust of rich people but you aren't like the Consulate members, or the ones that bribed them or the people that hated the rebels for their financial implications. I think I always knew that and just wanted to be mad."
There was a look of apprehensive excitement on Jovi's face as if he had been waiting for this conversation his entire life but was expecting the rug to be pulled out. Not intending to do so, Chandra continued, "maybe you made some mistakes in the past, but at least you're owning up to it. Most people don't do that until their death beds, if that." She had to look away to say something painfully endearing. "You should be proud."
The glow on Jovi's face could have shone through closed eyes, but Chandra was saved any gushing by the whistle of the kettle – quicker than expected. His choice of plain hot water said something about him, but she had no idea what.
"What are you going to do for work anyway?" She tried an inflection that sounded more curious than judgmental though she wondered if his insecurities around her could ever hear it as anything but mean-spirited.
He didn't return to his seat, choosing to lean on the kitchen counter, lost in thought – finally conceding, "I have no idea. If only I were handsome enough to be a trophy husband." Were she forced to give her honest opinion, Chandra would say that was objectively incorrect and she wasn't sure if he knew it or not but his joke implied he was nervous about the subject, so she decided to reciprocate.
"Whatever. I'm not good at anything either. We'll figure it out."
Waking from a depression nap, the sliver of pride Chandra felt at making Jovi's day better was overtaken with the feeling that someone was watching her – a justified sensation. Liliana was standing over her, giving off a vibe that she had been there a while. Her kind and watchful eyes reapplied the weight of the world to Chandra's chest.
Unapologetic about her creeping, Liliana asked, "are you feeling better?"
"No," she answered honestly.
"Let me go get you some tea then." Before Chandra could finish even rolling her eyes, Liliana was back to the kitchen and it felt too rude and awkward to protest from her bed, and she had no will to get up. Liliana returned with a full mug and handed it off gently and cooed, "careful with that."
The second perceived jab at Chandra's fortitude automatically pushed her into grabbing the mug by the base and taking a full gulp from it. This time, Liliana's warning had been justified and while Chandra's hand and mouth were now burning, she was satisfied with the point she had made.
She didn't even want the tea, but Chandra was even less excited by the small piles of paper Liliana slid on to her lap. She needlessly clarified, "the notes from today." The first time Chandra took a good look at Liliana's bookshelves, she couldn't figure out why there were so many notebooks but now it made sense. Chandra prided herself for her meticulous note taking and her first thought was still She got all this from two classes? As she glanced at a healthy stack of paper.
"Thanks, but you didn't have to do this."
"It took almost no time or effort. It would have been rude of me not to."
Chandra wondered if it would ever not be uncomfortable to have Liliana do nice things for her. She'll probably get tired of me before that. Acts of kindness were already awkward enough, but coming from someone she hurt was agonizing. "I'll give you the money for the copies then." She tried to stand up to find her wallet but was held back.
"Stop worrying. Just take care of yourself." Once Liliana was satisfied Chandra wasn't going to get up again, she took to excusing herself from the room. "If you need anything, message me, or throw something at the wall. I am going to be in my room studying. We have that physics test next week, in case you forgot."
Chandra, pretending to skim the notes said, "yeah, I remember." She lied.
After Liliana left her to, "get better," Chandra tried to look over the notes but was bogged down by the distraction of her introspection as well as the reappearing itch on her thigh that she was deluded into believing wasn't psychosomatic.
Maybe going back to class won't be so bad. I'm probably overreacting anyway. All she did was kiss me. I'm just blowing it out of proportion like I do with every other little thing that goes wrong in my life.
For hours, Chandra tried to absorb the notes, tried to pretend she was okay, got angry at herself for failing at both and took minuscule joy in the fact that she had no classes tomorrow which meant no need to come up with an excuse for not going.
The next day passed uneventfully with Chandra saying and doing little, but the one following that was another day of classes. She had barely slept that night, not for lack of trying, but still managed to be roused by her alarm. Her bag containing everything she'd need for the day was slumped over, across from her
They stared each other down like an old west standoff but when it came time to draw, she remembered that she brought crippling anxiety to a gun fight and took a bullet through the neck. The feeling of dread that she was becoming all too familiar with began to overwhelm her as she conceded defeat.
Chandra wasn't sure if she wanted to exert as much energy as she could summon or curl up and hide under her blanket. After a minute of her body becoming increasingly clenched, her nails digging into her palms and her teeth ready to shatter themselves, she chose the former.
Once she had made up her mind, there was no second guessing herself. Chandra pounced up, grabbed the backpack that defeated her and dumped out it's contents. Among them, her physics textbook that she violently scooped up and began destroying. Pages throughout were crumpled and torn, until one last grand gesture ripped the cover off and threw the book across the room - with luck it slammed against the wall centimetres short of her window.
Had her meltdown been more thought out, she probably wouldn't have done something so loud and she quickly realized how foolish she had been when, within seconds, she heard a knock at her door.
"What!?"
To Chandra's relief, it was Liliana opening the door and inviting herself passed the threshold. Had it been her mother, she would have been pressed for an explanation but all Liliana felt comfortable doing was meekly asking, "are you okay?"
"I'm fine," she muttered with unchecked aggression.
No one would be naive enough to buy that answer, but she predicted Liliana wouldn't be willing to dispute it and she was right. All she had in her was an, "okay" as she floated back out of the room. There was despair in her voice that normally would have pierced Chandra's heart but her bucket of self loathing was already full. Anymore at this point was spilling out on the floor as she looked at her reflection with disgust.
Are you really so weak that you can't even go to school? Something you've been doing your entire life. Other people have problems too and they go out in the world just fine and here you are cowering away. Her breathing had become laboured at this point. And why is my god damn leg still so fucking itchy!?
The spot on her thigh was burning now and she needed to scratch it; she violently clawed at herself until a realization hit her. She pulled her pyjamas down just far enough to confirm her suspicion and she watched in awe as a small stream of blood trickled down her leg
She considered what people say about cutting, that it releases endorphins, providing a fleeting high that lifts your spirits even if for just a moment, but that never came.
By the sixth day of her downward spiral, Chandra was surprised her borrowed time hadn't run up. There was no chance anyone around her didn't realize this wasn't a physical illness and she was surprised her mother hadn't tried to intervene. For the past 48 hours, she was expecting Pia to burst through the door with a list of questions, a straight jacket and several ultimatums
Before her mother was even home, a rhythmless pounding broke Chandra's concentration on what had been a relatively decent day. She had gotten up, eaten breakfast and showered before Noon. It was the first time she had felt somewhat normal since, what she was still referring to as, 'the other day.'
Whoever it was trying to break down her door, she knew that no one she lived with would behave so boorishly. Jumping out of her desk chair, she hiked her pants up (she had been fixating on the bright red wound she inflicted on herself). Just as she made herself decent, Nissa's voice muffled through the door, "open up!" Her shouting was even louder than her knocking which meant her family must not be around.
Oh, great. Chandra rolled her eyes slowly and dramatically to tell whatever trickster god was messing with her that enough was enough. The pity party's here. The best way to chase away such a party was to be as impressive as possible so she fixed her hair, swung the door open and presented herself diva style but before she could get the first word, Nissa had her arms wrapped around her as Jace scooted by them. Ugggh. Nissa had no qualms about showing affection but this was exaggerated and transparent.
"We've come to make you feel better." They must have been summoned. "Gideon says hi." His absence was fine with Chandra. There were already two-too many people here. Nissa and Jace found their own seats – the bed and desk respectively; Chandra watched Jace sit and he finally gave her a quiet, "hey."
Chandra joined Nissa on the bed and let the two of them (mostly Nissa) do the talking. Together they sailed on the river of small talk for a couple hours and, while Chandra loathed being the focus of the pity party, there was no denying there was a simple pleasantness about the situation.
Eventually, Nissa had to leave and it seemed she wasn't taking Jace with her. That would make conversation harder. She just wanted the experience to be over, for them to believe they had helped. Chandra eloquently stated, "soooo..." pausing to find any decent words, she continued, "was coming over here my mother's idea or Liliana's?"
Jace crossed his legs to get comfy and said, "Gideon's actually, but he's dumb enough to think you're actually sick."
The air in the room grew thicker at this implication. "But you don't think so?"
"No. Neither does Nissa, but she wanted to let it be. You probably do too. I think that's a bad idea."
Of course you do. There was a hint of superiority in Jace's tone which was only present when he had complete confidence that he was right and everyone else was wrong; Chandra was finding it even more irritating than usual. It was condescending enough having people show up unannounced because they assumed she couldn't handle herself, but being talked down to was everything she didn't want right now.
It was pressing on a nerve so hard that she was having trouble catching everything he was saying, though she knew the crux of it – 'work through your feelings.' He may have been right but she didn't care, though his smugness wasn't even the sharpest pair of teeth gnawing at her
It was her own voice whispering to her, 'this is his fault.' Chandra tried to ignore herself, doing her best to focus on Jace, one word at a time, but it was persistent. If he hadn't guilted you into talking about it. She conceded that all she was able to do in the moment was nod and scream, shut up to herself in a futile effort.
"Did you ever talk to your mom about what was goin' on with you?"
If she were in a cartoon, the screen behind her would have turned blood red by Jace's question. A bolt would have passed through her while her eyes glazed over; her hair would be pushed up by an invisible gust and there would be dramatic music playing. All she could hear now though was the thumping of her heart in her ears; she grew hot and flushed all over like a rabid virus was spreading.
Jace's harmless question pushed Chandra past her breaking point. Instinctively, she was on her feet – closing the of the gap between the two, she snarled, "you know what, Jace?"
If the air was thick before, it was suffocating now. "Your whole issue was that you were feeling my sadness with your pseudo-psychic bullshit, right?" She didn't wait for an answer. "Well, I've found the solution, haven't I?" Standing now as well, Jace tried to interject, but Chandra didn't give him a chance. "As long as I'm hiding out in my room, you can leave me alone."
"Chandra, that's not... -"
"You're getting what you want, so why the fuck do you care what I do? My problems are my problems now. Not yours." Jace was either at a loss or knew if he bothered trying to answer, he would just get interrupted again. "Now stop trying to run my life and get the fuck out of my house."
He didn't argue or even say anything, didn't walk out slowly to give her a chance to stop him or apologize and didn't slam the door to make a statement. He was just gone, leaving Chandra reeled by what she had just done, staring into the blackness of her empty house. Finding herself unable to scream, cry or any other form of venting, she gave up and carefully positioned herself back into her bed. She sat still for as long as it took to get the courage to reach into her bedside table to take out her last resort.
For a moment, she stared at the photograph of her with her parents in motionless silence, admiring how happy they looked. Father...I messed up really bad. Everything should be okay, but it's not and it's all my fault. I've hurt mother, Liliana, Jace, everyone around me. I'm just making everyones lives worse. I tried to get help but I just found a way to screw that up too, like I always do. I just wish you were here to tell me that I'm not a bad person, to tell me how to fix all this.
Chandra hadn't realized until she felt the tickle on her cheek that she had managed to find a couple drops in her after all. Her watery eyes were fixated on her father's face as she tried to capture the feeling of how huge she felt every time she was with him. Eventually, her vision cleared and a she felt a powerful sensation in her chest like she was being brought back to life.
No...I know exactly what you'd tell me. You'd tell me I fucked up – maybe not those words exactly – and that I can make things right if I fight hard enough. That I smuggled with you and I risked capture by police as they chased me down. I helped save our people from fascism so if there's one thing a Nalaar can do, it's find a way make the world a better place tomorrow than it is today.