Chapter 22
"I have no idea what I'm doing, but maybe that's why they call it starting over" Elizabeth found that thought passing through her mind every now and again as she started this second act in her life finding that this act was no easier then the first.
"I have to just forget the blood and the bullets and Teddy and find something else to fixate on" it kept her going in this search for the woman she had been, more so for the strength that had been solely contained within her, but with each strive she had she found she was still stained with the red that her former life had left behind. At first, she thought maybe if she started to date again that would help something, but it didn't. Nothing ever came to any of it. Mostly because she couldn't just erase her past, it was still there, and so was he. Elizabeth was keenly aware of that even as she found herself less affected by him then she was when this journey between them had begun. Still Teddy was there, a constant reminder, a constant memory to compare her dates to, at least, the ones that showed up. The ones that didn't were spared the experience but dating again was only the least of her problems. She tried reopening her bar, but the reality of what happened there made customers few. She knew it wasn't so much the bar, but the whispers about what happened there. She knew people didn't want to go somewhere where people had died, at least not recently, Elizabeth understood it even as she tried to conquer it to revive what was her livelihood. It wasn't something that had a cure though and even Elizabeth still found herself haunted by visions of what had happened there as she sat alone behind the bar hoping a customer would stumble in.
Images of Heather just before the chaos. Memories of shattered glass and blood afterward.
"What if I can't get it back up and running" that fear always lived within her, a fear that she was trying to relive something that seemed utterly hopeless or at the very least long dead. Elizabeth was in the midst of deciding what to do when the bar closed the first night they reopened. As the lights went out and she stood in the dim lighting, she suddenly felt the chill that seemed to fill this place. It wasn't a normal chill, but the type attached to ghosts as they stood watching her in her futile attempts to live again. Elizabeth didn't know what had become of this place, but as she stood there in that moment, she was afraid. Afraid it would never be what it was ever again.
When she first opened its doors, before she met Teddy, and before she lost herself, Elizabeth had relished this place. She had lived to be here because it wasn't like all the crappy little jobs she'd had before, but hers. Yeah, she had to deal with Bobby every now and again, but that she could handle. That didn't change that it was hers, for her to control, and somehow this place wasn't anymore. It felt like those men who had killed Heather and everyone else had claimed it for themselves. Now, as hard as she tried to reclaim it, nothing would give what had once been her sanctuary back to her. Now, as she stood there, she felt that, and as that awareness sunk into her bones, Elizabeth felt the same emotion she felt when Heather died and when Teddy went away. A type of mourning that was had for the dead. Elizabeth felt it and hated it because it made it as if her bar was dead. It felt like admitting defeat to her and that was something that she had been doing far to often in the last few years. She didn't want to do that now, but the longer she stood in that dank loneliness the more it became apparent that she didn't have a choice. Because where before she had always soaked up the silence of the bar after closing, now, it felt different, like there was nothing to be soaked up because everything was dead. Everyone, everything, and Elizabeth didn't want to give up. She told herself she wouldn't, but at the same time, she kept asking herself how long she could have that attitude if it stayed this way. Because eventually the money would run out. Eventually, she would have to close her doors for good because it was all she could do or go bankrupt. Bobby would make her keenly aware of that of that she was sure. She was glad he hadn't yet as she stood there in that moment. Somehow, Elizabeth could sense that her days for savoring anything were over, and walking behind the bar, she knew it was something she would always miss.
"I can't think that way. I'm not gonna miss anything because everything's gonna be okay" Elizabeth still remembering those times as she did the usual things she'd always done when the closing came only now without the usual vigor.
"I will make this place mine again" she thought as she walked up the steps to her apartment later that night, but she didn't know how as she climbed those steps.
It wasn't hers anymore but had been claimed by those men with guns and the blood they left behind.
"I will do it…I just have to keep believing that" Elizabeth kept telling herself that even as she feared it wasn't true. Strange visions kept coming to her, images of those men come back to finish the job.
"I'll never escape the ghosts of my past, but that doesn't mean I can't rebuild everything to make it possible again" she believed that even as she didn't as she tried to sleep at night finding the people that died in her bar waiting for her there as they had been every night since they died, so many eyes just staring at her in the darkness of her mind. They belonged to the people who died here, Heather included, and it was like they wanted her to join them.
"I'm not going with them yet. I have to try to fix this" she thought it with contention as those ghosts touched her in her dreams, chilling her the way ghosts were meant to do, but Elizabeth found she wasn't ready to give up yet, not the way she was before. She kept hearing Heather's voice in her dreams even if she never saw her. She kept telling her not to give up and maybe that was why she couldn't yet. Maybe that was why she bought a gun and took a class on how to use it. At first, she didn't know quite why she needed it or why she wanted it after all that had happened. Elizabeth had said it was for security, but she knew it wasn't. After awhile only then did she realize that it was for herself, so she could have some control over something whether that be her own life or the life of her bar. Elizabeth couldn't really explain it even to herself. All she knew was she had it and she needed it especially after everything that happened. Maybe that was why it was there now, loaded, and hidden just beneath the bar. Because after everything, Elizabeth felt like she needed it. She didn't know what she'd do with it if she ever found herself having to use it. She had learned to use it, but in a real-life situation, she couldn't picture that moment or what she would have to do. None of it felt real, but Elizabeth was coming to realize that this was her life. It was a reality that she couldn't comprehend sometimes, but that she was keenly aware of.
She had promised herself that she was on the cusp of a new beginning, but this new life seemed to be moving painfully slow. She wanted it to move on from what it had been. To help her create better memories then the ones she had. Maybe that was why she went on dates that turned to ash before her eyes. Maybe that was why she had rushed into it in search of someone to make her feel anything, but cold anymore. That was all she wanted, to feel something magnificent and beautiful like she had felt before it all crashed to pieces before her eyes. Nothing came along as easily as she wanted it though. It was complicated and frustrating and at some point, she just stopped. The solution to it came to her as many things did as she was laying in bed.
"Maybe this new life isn't hinged on finding someone else to make me happy, maybe, it's hinged on me making myself happy" she was laying straight with her eyes pointed up at the ceiling with visions of Teddy behind that glass in the prison shining behind her eyes. She hadn't thought of it until that moment.
"I'm not going back, but that doesn't stop me from thinking about it" Elizabeth knew that more then anything as she said those final words, she had spoken in her head promising herself that they would true. She would never set foot in that prison again. She would never go to see him again. And yet, she had also said that if he ever got out of there that he could come see her. It was like she was promising him a second chance which he could never have. At least, that's what she told herself even as she admitted to herself that she had meant what she said. She hadn't planned on saying it. It had come out of nowhere. Elizabeth didn't know what to say about it.
She couldn't deny she had meant it. That if he turned up at her doorsteps that she would not turn him away, but as she laid there she didn't know where it had come from. It had just slipped from between her lips like the type of promise she could remember making when she was younger. Impromptu and completely sincere. And it wasn't so much the words or the promise that bothered her. It was the question in her heart that she couldn't just wish away. The question of what she would do if that promise prompted fulfilling one day. She couldn't stop thinking of it in the wee moments of the night, but she knew she couldn't worry about it now. Not until it happened then she could worry and decide accordingly. And yet, she thought of it. Thought of him and how she still felt for him. How she would always feel for him. Elizabeth knew she couldn't make that feeling go away and she didn't want it to anymore. After all, she knew that everyone had one great love of their life, and she'd had hers. It may have ended in tragedy, but she had it all the same. She was okay with that and happy for it, nonetheless. Before, Elizabeth kept asking herself if she meant it, and despite her inner questioning, she knew the answer now. Because as bad as this time in her life had been, it had also been extraordinary in many ways. Something akin to a story read in a book. Most of all though, despite what was good or bad, Elizabeth felt a type of pride in herself because she had survived it. Because she was surviving it still and would continue to do so until her time to survive came to an end. Maybe that was why she'd said it. That he could wonder back through her life someday. Because she wanted him to see the woman, he'd charmed again not the one he'd broken. Because she wanted him to see that she could build herself up again to be that woman.
"I don't think I'd mind it if he came back" she thought it was an ease she wouldn't have thought herself capable of once her own folly concerning it all becoming apparent.
She was trying to move on from what was the love of her life too quickly. She was doing it when deep down within her heart she wasn't ready. Teddy had meant so much to her. He'd loved her in his way and then when he left, she'd forgotten that. It had taken seeing him behind bars within Fox River to make her remember. And she did remember. Only now was she realizing that that was why she couldn't move on so quickly. Because getting over a love like that wasn't something that happened the way she had been trying to make it happen. The realization came with a chill to the bones and yet, it allowed more questions to bloom in her mind. What now? Elizabeth had to admit to herself that she hadn't been her strong independent self since meeting Teddy.
"I got used to being his wife. To considering myself off limits" Elizabeth knew that because of that she would never be able just fall in love with someone else.
She had enjoyed it, being Mrs. Theodore Bagwell, and even now, she felt a pain of longing as she remembered those short months. Now though, Elizabeth was fully aware that she had to find herself again and be the woman she had been before meeting Teddy that day. Sometimes, Elizabeth found she missed that person; she believed she could be her again as her eyes closed that night. Elizabeth felt the first peace she'd felt since Teddy had left settle over her. She felt a hope too. That maybe she was on her way to being the woman she once was. Elizabeth wanted that peace to stay with her and prayed that it did as she slept. That night nothing haunted her dreams. Not the ghosts of those people who had died. Or the man behind bars who she'd loved so desperately. Tonight, it was pure silence, and peace. It was something she had longed for since this wild ride of hers had begun and now that she had it, she said she wouldn't let it go.
"This could be the beginning of everything I had been hoping for" Elizabeth wanted that as she slept that night. As much as she still loved Teddy, this was what she needed, to sleep without his eyes staring at her from within the recesses of her mind. Her mind was empty and as at ease as it could considering the circumstances. That was more apparent then anything as Elizabeth awoke that first morning finding herself still with this hope within her heart. She didn't try to fall in love anymore after that.
"I don't need to love anyone else" Elizabeth decided after that night finding herself content with loving only the man she had fell for. For the first time she felt like herself. Like the woman she had been. She didn't feel helpless anymore or like she didn't know what to do. Elizabeth found herself still surrounded by so much uncertainty, but she wasn't afraid of it anymore.
She honestly didn't care if she was alone anymore. More then anything that was what she wanted. She found she had nothing to worry about anymore except herself and her bar. Elizabeth found she wanted that as she went on with her life after that and while nothing got any better, it didn't get any worse which left Elizabeth just as happy.
"Everything's gonna be just fine" she thought it with a conviction she hadn't experienced in so long it made her realize what she'd lost and once again believe that she could get it back. It made Elizabeth realize that that could maybe solve her business issues too. Maybe she should start anew there too.
"I'll start again just like I started the first time" Elizabeth decided as she worked out a plan to get her business going again beginning nearly a month later by handing out flyers for the bar just as she had done when she opened it the first time long ago. It was how she started it all before, how she picked it all up, and started her business years before.
She thought it might happen again this way and believed in that as she handed out those flyers, another part deep within her praying for a miracle.