a/n Thank you for the lovely reviews on the last chapter. Special shout out to those awesome regular reviewers, and the most special of shout outs to Stormkpr as always. Happy reading!
For the most part, Clarke enjoys splitting her time between the Medical Centre and that office which is, to some extent, now hers, that building she shares with Kane, where decisions get made and meetings are held. This morning, for example, there is nothing much scheduled for their team of doctors, so she is perfectly free from distractions as she sits in a security meeting and pretends that she actually understands everything that is being said, pretends that she knows all about these things that have happened in the months she spent avoiding this place.
She suspects that she is not successful. And, if she's being honest, she knows that she is not actually so undistracted. Bellamy has taken his cadets out for a long hike to the east of Sanctum in the name of team-building, and has taken Madi along with them for the adventure, and it makes her heart ache at the thought that it has now been several weeks since their last family day out.
She will have to do something about that. She resolves to raise the idea with Bellamy as soon as he gets home.
She allows herself, just for a moment, to bask in the thought that home is his home, now, too, officially and totally, and that after all of those years that lie between them, they have finally managed to construct something vaguely resembling a typical family life.
Apart from the fact she's pregnant with their twelve-year-old daughter, of course.
As if Madi can hear her thoughts, the baby gives a firm kick, and she gasps at the sensation. This has been starting to happen, sometimes, of late, and predictably enough Bellamy is absolutely obsessed with leaning his cheek against her belly and saying all sorts of frankly sappy things about how beautiful she looks as a mother.
She supposes it's sweet, really.
Madi has been curious about the pregnancy, too, of course, and eager to feel her younger self kicking, but that hasn't worked out so well at all. She's tried to rest a hand on her mother's baby bump a couple of times, but on each occasion she has found herself developing a sharp headache, and has withdrawn before the onset of that hated dizziness. So, yes, that's not ideal. Not ideal at all, really, and rather worrying, and so completely outside of Clarke's control that it makes her eyes swim just thinking about it.
No. She's not here to panic about her daughter. And she mustn't let these Wonkru men think that she is just some emotional pregnant woman. She hardens her resolve, and listens with every appearance of attention while Kane describes his intention to map the land to the west more thoroughly. And that does seem like quite a sensible plan, she has to agree, and she likes drawing maps, so perhaps she ought to volunteer to -
A familiar knock sounds at the door, and she feels the ground fall away from beneath her chair. Because there is no reason Bellamy would be here, now, unless something has happened to Madi.
Sure enough, he peeps round the door, and she can just make out their daughter's face, rather paler than usual, by his side.
"Kane? I'm sorry, but I need to borrow Clarke for a moment. Madi's not well."
"I quite understand." He nods at her to leave, and she jumps to her feet as quickly as her condition will allow.
"What's happened?" Clarke hisses, as soon as she has the door closed behind her.
"Another fainting spell." Bellamy explains, clearly upset. "Quite a long one, this time."
"Did you not feel it coming on?" She asks her daughter, trying to sound more concerned than annoyed. "Did you not get dizzy beforehand?"
"I – I did." Madi stammers, pale and shaking, as she leans against the wall. "But I didn't want to ruin Dad's day at work. I thought – I thought maybe if I just kept going it would be OK. And I didn't want the cadets to think I'm weak and pathetic. I'm supposed to be the commander. And I don't want them to laugh at me, or not like me any more."
Clarke pulls her daughter into a hug, as the girl breaks down into anguished sobs. This is, she thinks, evidence if any were needed that no child should be the commander. Even the most brilliant of twelve-year-olds can surely never be ready to bear this conflicting mess of duty and self-preservation.
"It's OK, honey. It's OK."
"It's not OK, though. Because I went and fainted in front of them and Dad had to carry me home and now he's missed a whole hour of work and they must all think I'm stupid."
"Honey, no one thinks you're stupid." She soothes, stroking the girl's hair. "Not at all."
"That's true." Bellamy chimes in. "They think you're so cool, Madi. You're younger than any of them but already brilliant at everything. But more than that, they see that you're kind, and fun. You must have seen Yan following you around this morning."
Madi does manage to nod a little at that, still sagging against the wall.
"Come on, Madi. Let's get you home, and you can get some rest and do some reading and have a lovely quiet day."
"But I can't." She's still weeping inconsolably. "Because you have to be in this meeting, Mum, and Dad has to get back to work."
"We'll work something out." Clarke promises firmly. "We can both miss our work for a little while, and then what if I fetch grandma Abby to spend the rest of the day with you?"
"She has to work, too."
"Not as much as she wants to look after you, I'll bet." Clarke reassures her with a hug. "There's not much scheduled in Medical for today, and Jackson and Niylah will cope without her. Let's get you home, and then we'll go fetch her."
Madi nods a little more, pushes herself off from the wall and has a go at standing on her own two feet.
"I'm not having that." Bellamy tells her as cheerfully as he can manage, as he scoops her up into his arms. "Come on, kid. You've got a book about Odysseus to read."
With that, they set out for home, and before long they have Madi settled in her bed and taking a nap. Clarke knows she ought to head straight back to her meeting, but it's far from easy, to leave her little girl at a moment like this.
As if he has read her mind, Bellamy wraps her in a hug.
"You doing OK?" He asks softly.
"I think so. You?"
"Yeah. Cursing myself for not spotting that something was wrong while we were out there. I was so busy looking out for all those other kids who don't know their way around the forest, and I presumed she'd be OK."
"That's understandable." She reassures him gently. "She'll be fine. I know these episodes are horrible, but she's always fine."
"I don't know. I think they might be getting worse."
"You think so?"
"You didn't see her when it first happened, this time, Clarke. She was so pale, and she was out for so long. I was so scared for her."
"Hey, hey." She squeezes him tight. "She's going to be OK."
"Yeah." He says it quietly, without conviction, but at least he says it.
"So who's this Yan?" She asks, tone light, trying to lift his mood. "You mentioned a Yan who's been following her around."
He gives a short chuckle. "He's the youngest of the cadets. Only just fifteen. I think he just wants to be her friend. It seems harmless enough for now."
"You want to watch that." She warns him, mock serious. "Give them a hundred-and-thirty-something years and next thing we know, she'll be expecting his kid."
At last, with that, he warms up a little, relaxes into her hug and into a proper bout of laughter.
"We'll see." He says, sounding rather more like himself. "Go on, you get back to your meeting. Fetch your mum, and I'll stay here till she arrives?"
"Thanks." She presses a kiss to his neck, and pulls away, and heads back to the front door.
But somehow, she can't quite pass through it. Not quite yet.
"Bellamy?"
"Yeah?"
"Just so you know, you're the best father I could ever ask for, for my little girl."
She allows herself, just for a second, to stay there, and take in the dazed and rather delighted expression that appears on his face at that.
But only for a second, of course.
…...
Clarke completes her duties in the office, and then spends what remains of the afternoon in Abby and Madi's quiet but pleasant company. They draw a little, and read a little, and laugh really quite a lot, considering the circumstances.
The sun has left the sky by the time Clarke hears Bellamy unlock the door. The only discernible change, really, that has come with him officially moving in, is the fact that he no longer bothers knocking at his own front door.
"That'll be your dad." She points out to Madi, completely unnecessarily, and jumps to her feet. She rushes out into the corridor to greet him, slamming the bedroom door behind her and doing her best to ignore Abby's ill-disguised giggles at her eagerness.
And, sure, maybe she's a little excited to see him. And yes, she has to admit, kissing him is pretty fun. But all the same, she's rather taken aback by the intensity with which he presses his lips against hers in greeting, and she's more than a little surprised when one of his hands tangles in her hair and the other wraps tight around her waist. Surprised, but only too happy to go with the flow. She gets on with kissing him back, nibbles on his lower lip a little. Cups a hand around his neck, just how she knows he likes it, and gets on with enjoying herself.
Minutes pass, rather pleasantly so, but eventually she decides that their absence will probably be noted.
"Interesting way of saying hello." She comments as she pulls away.
"What did you expect?" He asks with a smirk. "You can't go saying things like that to me and then just walk out the door."
It takes her a moment, but her brain catches up with his words. "I just thought that – that it was about time I told you that. You're always saying how happy you are to have a family with me and – I don't tell you often enough how much it means that I get to have a family with you."
He's not smirking, now. He's sort of biting his lip and pretending he's not on the verge of tears. She can tell these things, these days.
"Thanks." He mutters, slightly choked.
"Come on." She takes his hand, reaches up to press a kiss to his cheek. "Madi and my mum must be wondering where you've got to."
They make it to their daughter's bedroom, and exchange greetings, and take seats around the bed.
"I'm sorry I'm a bit late." Bellamy offers, tone carefully light. "The cadets insisted on finishing the whole hike even after our little delay."
"Was it fun?" Madi asks, looking slightly heartbroken at the thought of her father and her new friends having fun without her.
"It was good. But it would have been even better with you there. We'll go out for a family adventure soon to make up for it."
"We will?"
"Yeah." Clarke chimes in. "Let's go to the lake again. Let's go as far from the anomaly as possible."
"I'd like that." Madi agrees softly.
"I think you'll like this, too." Bellamy draws something out of his pack. "A get well gift from the cadets."
"They – they don't hate me for ruining their hike?"
"They don't." Bellamy confirms, his tone brooking no disagreement. "Look, they wouldn't have sent you dried berry mix if they hated you, would they?"
"I guess."
"And this apple bar is specifically from Yan. I wonder if that's of interest to you?"
"It – it is?"
"So it looks to me like you still have plenty of friends."
"Yeah. Thanks Dad."
"Any time, kid. What are we doing this evening?"
"I thought we could play chess." Madi suggests. "We have enough people to -"
She breaks off abruptly at the sound of a knock at the door.
"I'll go." Clarke volunteers, but Abby beats her to it, muttering something about how she is pregnant and should learn to accept a little help for a change.
Meanwhile, Madi is telling Bellamy about the book she has read this afternoon, but Clarke isn't entirely listening to them. No, she's too busy listening to what's going on in the corridor, listening to that rather familiar voice that she can just about pick out over the noise of her daughter's good-natured chatter. And yeah, sure, it's a familiar voice, but not someone she expected to find showing up at their house tonight.
Abby reenters the room first, visibly nervous. She coughs a little, and Madi stops speaking.
"Your Aunt Octavia stopped by." She stands aside, allows the woman in question to step through the bedroom door.
"Auntie O!" Madi is clearly delighted with this news. "What are you doing here?"
"I heard from Jackson that you had a dizzy spell." She explains, still hovering a scant pace inside the room. "I wanted to stop by and check you were doing OK."
"I'm doing better." Madi confirms easily. "We had a quiet afternoon and Dad just brought me snacks."
"Oh. I see." Octavia's face falls at that, and Clarke cannot quite make sense of it.
"What is it, O?" Bellamy asks, brow deeply furrowed.
"Well, it's just – I brought some supper." Octavia swings her pack off her shoulder, grabs a handful of ration packs from inside it. Holds them towards Bellamy, arm outstretched, as if trying to maintain as much distance between herself and her brother as possible.
"You – you did?" He cannot seem to fathom this.
"What is it about you Blakes and collecting meals for people?" Clarke tries to break the tension with a spot of humour, but she cannot help but feel the truth of her words, too. It is good, she thinks, to see this former tyrant practising once again the art of being a caring young woman who would do anything for her family. "Thanks, Octavia. That's kind. You probably guessed we haven't made it to the mess hall, what with Madi being sick."
"Yeah. Thanks." Bellamy comes to his senses at last, takes the proffered food. "You're staying to eat with us?"
"No, no." Octavia backs away to the threshold. "I don't want to intrude."
"You wouldn't intruding. You're family." Bellamy gets the words out with visible effort, and Clarke realises she had better come to his rescue.
"You'd be very welcome."
"Would I?" She narrows her eyes at her brother with just a hint of her old fire.
"Yes." Bellamy mutters, occupying himself carefully with handing a pack of dried boar meet to his daughter. "I meant it, the other week, when I said you should come over some time but – but you never did."
Octavia gulps a little at that. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to – to reject the invitation. I just didn't know how to come over some time, I guess."
"How difficult can it be?" He grunts, throwing a packet in Abby's general direction and avoiding Clarke's attempts to catch his eye. "You know where we live. All you had to do was show up at the door the following day. Or the day after. Or, you know, any time that century."
At that, Clarke thinks, it is about time to suggest he stops talking before he finds himself saying something he will regret. She reaches out to grasp his hand, and sets about calming things down a little.
"Well, you're here now, Octavia. And it's great to see you."
"And thanks for bringing supper." Madi chimes in, frowning at her father in evident confusion.
"We were wondering about playing some chess." Abby offers, with a gesture at the well-worn pieces by the side of Madi's bed.
"Thank you." Octavia looks around the room carefully, and it takes Clarke a second to work out what is going on. She may have ruled Wonkru, once upon a time, but right now she is a near stranger in her brother's home and she has nowhere to sit.
Clarke is on the point of remedying that when Bellamy jumps to his feet at her side.
"Let me go get you a chair."
She knows nothing about having a sibling, of course. But all the same, she cannot help feeling that this whole strained-yet-devoted thing that the two of them have going on is really pretty odd.
In fact, she muses, the only relationship she can think of that is stranger is the one that exists between Bellamy and herself.
…...
Clarke wonders about cancelling their plans to go to the bar the following night. It seems careless, somehow, to go out to sip awkward water with her friends when her daughter was in bed sick the previous day. But Madi insists that she feels much better, and tells her parents that she does not expect life to stand still for a fainting twelve-year-old. Besides which, she started a really good conversation with Abby about the setting of broken bones while she was bedbound, and she is keen to stay over at her grandmother's house to continue the theme. And Abby, of course, is in league with her on this, insisting that the young couple need some time to relax with their friends, and that it will be good for them to get out.
Privately, Clarke suspects that this is not Abby's motivation at all. No, she suspects that she just really wants to spend more time with her granddaughter. And, well, she's not inclined to argue with that.
So it is that she finds herself standing in the bedroom and contemplating what to wear for this social occasion that she cannot help thinking of as a date.
"What's taking so long? We should get going soon." Bellamy peers around the door, still dressed in the utilitarian black outfit he wore to work. Clarke cannot help but feel that it is a little unfair, really, that he can pull off being effortlessly good-looking in quite that particular way.
She sighs heavily and closes one drawer, opens another.
"I'm trying to decide what to wear."
"What's wrong with that?" He gestures to the leggings and oversized T shirt she has been making do with all day.
"I just – I wanted to put something nice on to go out with you. I know that you like that dress but – I don't think it'll fit me at the moment."
"Clarke. I'm excited to go out with you, no matter what you wear. Pretty sure I'll think you look great anyway."
She frowns at him, wondering whether he means it or whether he just thinks that's what he's supposed to say, now that they're giving this whole real relationship thing a go.
He sighs, and tries again. "The Clarke Griffin I first fell in love with was wearing a ripped T shirt and had quite a bit of stray foliage in her hair. And was too busy saving the lives of half the human race to stand around worrying about what to wear. Trust me when I say you look beautiful. Now let's go."
He holds out a hand towards her, and she takes it absently, and follows him out of the house almost without thinking. It is a good thing, really, that he has the presence of mind to grab her jacket on the way out and nestle it around her shoulders, and that he takes it upon himself to lock the door. Because, actually, she has found herself suddenly almost incapable of coherent thought.
And that should be worrying, perhaps, because coherent thought is supposed to be what Clarke Griffin does best.
But she thinks that, probably, nothing can worry her today. Because the way that he looked at her when he talked about the Clarke he first fell in love with, has her thinking that, just maybe, he might have found himself falling in love with her all over again.
…...
She has her thoughts in slightly better order by the time they arrive at the bar, and manages to do a half decent job of greeting those gathered around the table as she sits down. She leans affectionately into Bellamy's side, and exchanges lighthearted chatter with Raven about the progress they are making with repairing the damage caused by Emori's minor explosion the other week. They have a good giggle at that, naturally, but then the conversation turns to slightly more productive things.
"How's that new job, Bellamy?" Emori asks with polite curiosity.
"It's great. I've not done that much with them yet, mostly team-building and physical fitness. We need to get started on a few combat skills soon."
"Start with guns." Murphy recommends with a sizeable dose of cynicism. "I hear those cadets are really great at shooting things."
"I thought I might ask you to teach them some archery, actually, Echo?"
"Sure." She nods, evidently pleased to be asked. "I'd like that."
"So now they can shoot each other by mistake with even more weapons." Murphy adds unhelpfully. "Great plan."
"Shut up, Murphy." Raven elbows him affectionately.
"Did that become your catch phrase on the Ring, or something?" Clarke finds herself feeling brave enough to tease.
"Pretty much." Raven confirms with a laugh. "Anyway, enough about shooting. How's the expectant mum?"
"About the same as I was when you asked me two whole days ago."
"Hey, that's the longest I've gone without asking after baby Madi in weeks."
"True." Clarke finds herself smiling rather warmly at her old friend. "I'm doing OK, and the baby's kicking a lot."
"How far along are you now?" Murphy surprises her by caring enough to ask.
"About five and a half months." She cannot keep the proud grin off her face, and Bellamy is positively beaming.
"Not that long, now, then." Emori says.
"I kind of want to ask if you've thought about names, but I guess the universe has that all worked out for you already." Raven points out with her usual cynical humour.
"Yeah." Clarke feels her smile fall away at that, at the accidental reminder of all that is so complicated and nerve wracking about this particular pregnancy.
She focuses very hard on not ruining their happy evening out by weeping, focuses too on Bellamy's warm hand over hers.
"We're taking Madi out for the day tomorrow." His cheerful voice and well-timed change of subject save her from that slide into tearfulness.
"So soon?" Echo asks, all concern. "I thought you said she was sick yesterday?"
"Yes. But she always seems to recover quickly. And we're going to the lake, away from the anomaly."
"Have a great time." Emori wishes them sincerely.
"Don't drown." Murphy raises a glass to them. Coming from Murphy, Clarke thinks, that's basically a declaration of love.
"Your concern is touching." She tells him, brow quirked.
"What can I say?" He rocks back in his chair with a grin. "It's what I do."
The conversation moves on around her, then, Echo telling some anecdote about her most recent patrol, Emori and Raven teasing each other good-naturedly, but Clarke finds herself not quite following it. She's a bit distracted, really, by all these thoughts of love that keep stealing into her mind, of late. And she can't help wondering if, maybe, there might be a reason she keeps circling back to that little four letter word.
Perhaps, she wonders, as Bellamy draws gentle circles on her thigh, it might be time to practise phrasing a declaration of love of her own.
a/n Thanks for reading!