One Month Later
Obi-wan and Ahsoka began the task of clearing out their small campsite long before dawn's light crested over the wasteland's desolate horizon. It was quick work since they only brought the bare essentials along with them, not much aside from a tent and two sleeping mats. Both of them worked diligently in silence, ready to move on to whatever tasks lie ahead of them along with the promise of a hot shower.
It was an unspoken tradition within the Jedi Order for Masters to bring their newly taken Padawans on simple wilderness survival missions. It served as a bonding experience that would help forge a stronger relationship between student and teacher, at least in theory.
It was no well kept secret that Obi-wan found it somewhat difficult to open up to people, especially to those who were new to his acquaintance. Even with Anakin in the beginning he had been slow to warm up to the boy. It had nothing to do with anything or anyone other than himself and his own shortcomings and weaknesses. It was just that he found silence more comforting than the awkward gawking of words and thoughts half baked and malformed, especially in the wake of hardship.
With Anakin it had been the death of his Master that lingered, making it more difficult for him than usual to adjust and adapt. Now it was his own treacherous heart that made things difficult, only that wasn't something you could ever get away from. All the time he was being torn from the inside out by his own regrets.
It was no fault of Ahsoka's that he kept distant, though he sensed she thought it was. Obi-wan wanted to explain himself to help ease her mind but he found himself unable to conjure up words to color the reality of things without painting himself as a monster at the same time. In lieu of finding any correct string of words to say, he kept those thoughts to himself as well.
Aside from the tragic internal state of affairs within the heart of Obi-wan Kenobi, the mission had gone well enough. Their bond was established but not terribly strong, and there hadn't been too many hazardous species on the planet where they were sent. During their time they hadn't encountered a single inconvenience aside from a stray nest of itch mites Ahsoka was lucky enough to find on their second day.
The pests were harmless and dealt with easily but the discomfort they caused was not, and couldn't be helped by any usual topical treatment that the standard med kit was equipped with. Ahsoka begged Obi-wan to let her take one of the heavy tranqus and sleep through it, but Obi-wan insisted that he couldn't let her pass up such a good meditation opportunity. Meditation was easy enough until there was something to meditate through, afterall.
Overall, the week long mission was bittersweet. He appreciated the opportunity to get away from the temple, away from Coruscant where he had spent the last two years in self-imposed exile. Wilderness and foreign skies were refreshing, and if there had been more to distract himself with aside from meditation and a Padawan with too many questions, he may have thoroughly enjoyed the experience. Instead he found his mind too often wading towards unstable territory. And that was dangerous to let himself be distracted by, especially with Ahsoka there to witness.
The training bond made him more transparent than he was comfortable with. Of course letting anyone in at all was too much for him. It was dangerous to let anyone get close enough to see or even sense the things he kept inside himself- truths that he didn't even want to acknowledge. As dangerous as it was, it was unavoidable. A training bond was one of the fundamental elements of a Master-Padawan relationship, and the last thing he needed was Ahsoka asking even more questions.
Frustratingly gnawing at the back of his mind, Obi-wan knew that the empty bond between himself and Anakin was draining him. Not simply by its existence, but in how he felt about it still there, burning in its emptiness.
It wasn't expected for Masters to sheer off their bonds with their Knighted Padawans. It was common for those bonds to change over time, and sometimes they did die off entirely. For a bond to survive a certain level of attachment was required on both sides.
The irony was not lost on him since attachment was forbidden, but it was well known that a sense of it existed between every Master and Padawan. It was the central core of duty- for a Master to teach and care for their Padawan. For the learner, the principle of survival rested in learning from their Masters. Sometimes- too many times- learning mingled with idolization. That could last well into knighthood for many Jedi. Obi-wan would be lying not to admit that he still held Jinn on a pedestal of sorts, one that was immortalized in his passing.
Maybe it was his own heart blinding him, but he couldn't understand how that bond dissolved in so many cases. Even though there were many reasons that he ought to have severed his own with Anakin years ago, he knew he would never be able to bring himself to do it.
That must have been the source of the dull ache in his chest. If the pain had a voice, he knew it would speak of betrayal. He wondered if he would ever get used to the feeling. It was the crimson sin that ruined him, bleeding out from the void filled bond that survived solely on all the ways he hurt Anakin, and the mountains of regret and shame he felt for it. But as usual, he tried to put it out of mind.
Finally with everything packed up and stowed away in the small ship, Obi-wan took to the helm and began cycling up the engines. Ahsoka plopped herself down in the co-pilot's chair beside him with a sigh.
"Man am I glad to get off this rock." Ahsoka said, belting herself in.
"There are worse places to be." Obi-wan said simply, engaging the thrusters as their small craft rose up, straining against the atmosphere.
"Please don't start with another one of your lectures." Ahsoka spat back, only half joking.
Before Obi-wan could get a single word out in rebuttal, their ship's com chimed. Giving her a look of thin patience, he opened the link.
"Master Kenobi, you and Tano must be just finishing packing up, I presume?" Mace's voice asked.
"We just got into outer orbit." Obi-wan answered. "I don't suppose you called to see how our little excursion went," he followed up dryly.
"You are correct." Mace answered. "You're fairly close to Koda Station, we need you to go there and make contact with an informant." He said, direct and to the point, as the man tended to be.
"At Koda Station? That's right on the edge of nowhere." Obi-wan remarked.
"And that's what makes it the perfect place to meet. It's far enough out of the way of separatist space, you shouldn't have any problems." Mace replied.
"What's the intel regarding?" Obi-wan asked, displeased by the delight on Ahsoka's face at the promise of excitement.
"We don't know the specifics, but it's supposed to be big. Change the tides of the war- big." Mace answered. Ahsoka's face brightened at his words.
"I don't suppose this is coming from a reputable source." Obi-wan said skeptically.
"The contact reached out anonymously, on their own behalf. All we know is they go by the code name Ophiuchus." Mace answered reluctantly.
"Sounds an awful lot like a trap to me." Obi-wan answered. "And I'm not sure my Padawan is ready for an assignment quite so-"
"I am ready, Master!" Ahsoka blurted, her eyes flashing open wide with frustration.
"Silence, young one. Belligerence isn't becoming of you." Obi-wan said sternly, earning a hurt glare from Ahsoka.
"As I was saying, It's not a good idea." Obi-wan said finitely, giving Ahsoka a reprimanding look
"I understand your reservations Master Kenobi, and I share them to a certain extent, but we don't have anyone else. Besides, you and Tano had the whole month to get acquainted. Consider this a good opportunity to get some field training in." Mace said optimistically.
After an uneasy silence, Obi-wan relented. "Of course Master," he said, suppressing a sigh. "We'll let you know what we find.
"Sending the coordinates to you now." Mace said before the transmission cut out.
Obi-wan plugged in the data to the nav computer and spun up the drive. He hadn't ever been there himself, but the little station was well known as the last stop in civilized space before the unknown regions. And to call the station civilized was more than generous. The place was full of spice traders among other merchants peddling goods that were difficult if not impossible to find anywhere else. Mostly it was a spinning tin can full of undesirable individuals trying to escape the authorities, either Galactic or Hutt if not both.
Ahsoka still sat arms crossed beside him in silence. Finally the ship jolted into hyperspace, and Obi-wan turned to face her. "It's not that I don't trust you, Ahsoka. I just don't think we've trained enough together-"
"Sure. You and the entire council. If it were up to you, I'd never be ready for anything." Ahsoka said, defeated.
"Well regardless of how I feel, you need to be ready, because I think we're walking right into a trap." Obi-wan said seriously. "You need to stop being so concerned about what you think people think of you, and start focusing on the moment."
Ahsoka furrowed her brows, spinning her chair to face him. "How can I not be concerned with what the Council thinks of me?" Ahsoka pouted.
"Distractions like that will get us both killed." Obi-wan said firmly, with a touch of gentleness to soften the blow. "You need to be concerned with the here and now, not making an impression."
"Yes, Master." Ahsoka said, a frown on her face.
"What do you think about the mission?" Obi-wan asked in a change of tone.
"What do I think?" Ahsoka asked back, confused.
"What do you feel. Reach out, focus." Obi-wan instructed. "Forget about everything else."
Ahsoka took a deep breath and narrowed her eyes before slowly closing them with concentration. A few moments later her eyes blinked open, a spark of realization inside of them. "There's something out there, Master. It's dark, I can't see through it." She said, still lost in thought.
"It's like it consumes everything it touches, until there's nothing left." Ahsoka said, shuddering.
"I feel it, too." Obi-wan answered grimly.
"What is it?" Ahsoka asked, only slightly fearful, mostly curious.
"I don't know." Obi-wan replied honestly. "See why i'm concerned?"
Ahsoka nodded silently. "This is why it's important for you to stay focused, and listen."
"Yes Master." Ahsoka said, less sullen this time.
….
"We're dropping out of hyperspace, hold on." Obi-wan said, bracing himself as the ship shuddered and creaked its way back into realspace. Out of the viewport he could see the hulking spindle shaped station in the distance. Even by design anyone could tell the tech that held the place together was nearly ancient.
"We have to go in there?" Ahsoka said, clearly disapproving.
"That's where we meet our contact." Obi-wan said warily. He scanned the surrounding expanse with equal dread, his stomach sinking when he caught a glimpse of the outline of a Separatist cruiser far past the station. Quickly Obi-wan killed the engine, cutting off all non-essential systems, letting the ship drift.
"What are you doing?" Ahsoka asked.
"Look." Obi-wan said, pointing out the viewport towards the slight shadow the Providence class dreadnought cast.
With her sharpened Togrutan senses, she spotted the threat almost immediately. "That's not good. What are we going to do?" Ahsoka asked.
"We are going to do what we came here to do." Obi-wan answered back with resolve, turning to shuffle through the control panel.
Obi-wan quickly fixed the ship's transponder to transmit civilian codes instead of the Jedi ones they had been flaunting only moments before, he only hoped he was quick enough and that the separatists were distracted enough to be unnoticed. After a few moments went by without any noticeable reaction from the cruiser, he decided to take it as a small win and count the blessing.
Firing the engines back up, he made his way casually towards the docking area. The Separatists seemed uninterested for the most part, though their presence was interesting and concerning to say the least. Whatever brought them to the edge of known civilization didn't seem to concern the luring in of two Jedi by promise of intel.
"So?" Ahsoka asked expectantly. "What's your plan?"
"Same as it was before. Meet the contact." Obi-wan answered matter-of-factly.
"And we don't know who that is, or where we're supposed to find them." Ahsoka said.
"Koda station is a small place. If the intel is good, our friend will be looking for us. And if it is a trap, then that makes things even simpler." Obi-wan replied sardonically.
As they shuttled in closer to the station, their ship jolted violently, catching itself in the auto-dock tractor system. It was an old design and well outdated for a reason. The unsteady beam kept them in a wavering hold until the docking clamps fastened them in place.
"Well, there have been smoother landings." Ahsoka remarked smartly.
"Go and fetch us some civilian clothes out of the hold, Padawan." Obi-wan returned, ignoring the attempt to catch his nerve. With a sigh Ahsoka rose up from the co-pilot's chair and set off on task without so much as a word of further protest.
Obi-wan still hadn't gotten used to her temperament in the month they had been assigned to each other. Anakin was always so difficult, always left Obi-wan feeling he failed at every turn. And it was no fault of the boy's, it had always been Obi-wan's weakness, not knowing what he needed and when. Ahsoka, while willful, was easier to get across to. He supposed the lack of a traumatic childhood made all the difference.
In that moment the thought sent a stab of guilt through his chest. He had never been enough, never been what Anakin need. No, he was everything he didn't need. Everything the boy should have steered clear of completely. If only Master Jinn could have seen it. But now the boy was no longer a boy, but a Man. What was done was done. All the lamenting and the should-of could-of's didn't matter anymore. At the very least he didn't want to do any more damage.
The sneaking thought swelled painfully in his chest as it clenched around his stomach hard. He already had done more damage. He struggled not to think of it the entire month, with some success. It helped that Anakin was away on the battlefront, but he knew the day would come when he would have to face him. With the war the way it was, the chance they would be assigned ops together was nearly a certainty. The thought tickled his chest and turned his belly to stone at the same time.
He would have to face him, along with all the moments he lost control. It was a growing list, with the most recent transgression feeling more egregious than perhaps it ought in comparison with his others. But that word- he never mentioned it before. He didn't think he had the right to anymore. But he did, and there was no reeling it back in.
And that kiss…
Just another thing that couldn't be fixed.
The tossing of a rough brown tunic over his shoulder startled him away from his tortured thoughts. "Ready Master? Or are you going to sulk here all day?" Ahsoka said smartly, a wry grin on her face.
"I'm not-" Obi-wan started, cutting himself off. Ahsoka hadn't mentioned a single word of Anakin during their time together, or the things she witnessed back in the recycling plant. Obi-wan had been grateful for it, but he wasn't stupid, either. He knew the girl understood discretion just as well as she understood the things that she saw and heard. His hesitation pulled at the corners of her mouth, widening her smile with amusement.
"Let's just get on with it, shall we?" Obi-wan corrected.
"I'll follow your lead, Master." Ahsoka said brightly.
Obi-wan stood, tossing the poncho over his tunic. A pull of dread fell through his chest as he hoped that she would exercise discretion in that, too.
"You'll do better to do as I say." Obi-wan said. He didn't want her to follow his lead. He wanted her to be better than he ever could be. Only then would he ever feel that he was capable of doing something right.
"Whatever you say, Master." Ahsoka said, shaking her head, tolerating him. "But let's just get what we came for, and get out of here."
"Yes, lets."
….
Anakin sat on the bunk of the small metal room that had been allotted for his quarters. He didn't prefer being stuck on battle cruisers over being on the ground, but there was little to do about things he had no control over. One of the many things that fell into that category were his given orders. As much as he did go against orders at times, it was always for the greater good. He wasn't so selfish to put something as trivial as his own comfort above Republic interests, but that didn't mean he had to enjoy the sacrifice, either.
It was rather difficult to unwind enough to fall asleep on a warship. Naturally after battles where he would be awake for days on end, sleep came much easier. It was much harder to relax now that he had been in orbit over Sullust for over two weeks, merely standing guard while the cities below rebuilt.
The world had sustained significant damage from the Separatist skirmish that would take several months to recover from at the very least. Intel told of a second attack, but Anakin sensed different. It went without saying that the Council didn't appreciate his intuitive insights. Indifferent to his protests, he was assigned to stay posted in orbit, waiting for the second straffe of bombers and cruisers that would never come.
Anakin would have preferred to be on the battlefront any day, rather than stay and wait with idle hands. Such long stretches of stillness made his mind itch and writhe with uncomfortable thoughts. And now there was even more fuel for such unplesantries since his last encounter with Obi-wan. If he were at home on Coruscant he might have found outlets for that nervous energy, even though he pledged himself off that habit.
At the start of his watch over Sullust he was able to keep from thinking about it, mostly. Though as with most things having to do with his former Master, it was a losing battle. He found himself during the last few days transfixed by the memory, the image of Obi-wan so broken and raw. Nothing holding him back from what he wanted.
Anakin remembered feeling the desperate want in the hands that grabbed him and pulled him close with such force. He still remembered how it made his legs go weak, how his heart fluttered and ached. Part of him was exonerated in that moment. All of the things his Master tried so hard to deny and how badly it all hurt- all of it dissolved under the lips and tongue that wanted him. That owned him.
There was no denial in that greedy kiss. Just let him try to deny it Anakin thought bitterly, knowing if he ever had the chance to confront him about it, that it was exactly what the man would do. He would explain ten different reasons why it would never work, how it wasn't what he wanted. He would take the Jedi high road, throw the code at him as if it wasn't him who wanted first, who had taken him without a word to be said about it.
Anakin's mind played that moment and many moments after- imaginary circumstances where they would meet again. He mulled over the things he imagined Obi-wan might say, mixed and mingled with all the things he wanted him to say. Some days Anakin fantasized about Obi-wan on his knees, begging for forgiveness, saying sorry too many times to count. He would beg for him, profess how much he needed him, and Anakin would deny him. In so many colorful words he would explain that he didn't need him anymore, that he could have anyone he wanted.
Of course that wasn't really true because there had only ever been one he ever wanted, and it was the one he couldn't have. Some days Anakin indulged the image of Obi-wan taking him just as boldly as he had at first. No words, just hands taking what they wanted, how they wanted, using his body how it pleased his Master. Not as the Sith had done, but how Obi-wan touched him. It was different, it always was. Just the suggestion of the thought brushing against his mind was too much to bear when he was alone with himself.
Sometimes he thought he never wanted to see the man again. The obsessive thoughts disgusted him. He was better than this, he told himself. He didn't need anyone, certainly not the very man who abandoned him. He wouldn't beg for his attention, he didn't want him to be anyone to him. But he was- he was everything. Anakin hated it.
He wanted Obi-wan to suffer for it, for all the ways he had suffered. For all the nights he cried with a broken heart that felt nearly fatal as it was wounding.
Anakin could hear Padme's voice in the back of his mind, reminding him that Obi-wan was no good for him, and that it was probably for the best that he got out of his way. She hated Obi-wan for all the heartache he made Anakin trudge through. For how he left without a word, not even a note.
"After everything that happened to you, he just left you like that. He doesn't deserve you." Padme said, her brow creased and serious. "Stars help him if I ever get my hands on him." She said low, in a way that made Anakin smile.
"You? What are you going to do?" Anakin said back, wiping tears of grief out of his swollen eyes.
"Just wait and find out, because I don't even know yet." She replied, face as stern as it ever had been. It reminded him of the time she spent as ruling Queen of Naboo, and the stoicism the role entailed. She had learned what it was to be ferocious in those days, and he always admired her for it.
She was a small thing, but easily made up for it by strength of character. In so many was stronger than him. Anakin wondered how long it would take for him to be strong, too. For all the ways he had gotten better, he still didn't think he measured up to her iron spirit.
Right now he knew she would be slapping him over the head for even indulging any thoughts about Obi-wan. "Don't give him space in your head," he heard her scolding, reprimanding.
Of course it was impossible.
In so many ways he was there, all the time. Anakin never did sever the bond that he could sense still hung there, empty but alive. He didn't know how to cut him out altogether. It was almost embarrassing, but the fact that it still remained meant that Kenobi hadn't cut him out, either. Neither of them could bring themselves to do it. Maybe that made both of them cowards, he thought.
Now Anakin closed his eyes as he threw himself back on the sleeper, trying to reach out for sleep, seeing Obi-wan waiting behind his eyelids instead. It was predictable, inevitable, entirely a figment of his imagination.
I really am a sadist, Anakin thought with bitter irony.
Still he indulged the fantasy as he wondered what he wanted from him this time.
Everything.
Of course that was the honest answer. But Anakin was fickle, and Obi-wan was the object of all his hatred, desire, among many other things he couldn't quite put words to.
"It's not healthy, you know." Obi-wan reminded him softly, his sorry blue eyes too apologetic- completely infuriating.
Anakin stared at him in his mind's eye, a cool snarl on his lips.
"You need to let me go. You can't keep doing this." Obi-wan pressed on, coming closer to him.
Anakin could feel Obi-wan's body heat radiate against his skin, sending shivers down his spine. He couldn't remember the last time he felt any sort of radiant heat touch him. Certainly not since he left for Sullust. Of course this wasn't real, it was just the memory of what the man felt like when his body was so close. It was just an illusion.
"You don't get to tell me what I need." Anakin snarled back.
"Don't I?" Obi-wan retorted, his brows raised as his eyes surveyed him, flitting to his feet and back completely unabashed.
Anakin felt a lump grow in his throat, an involuntary reaction. "Last time I checked you were the Padawan, and I was the Master." Obi-wan said, taking hold of the belt that cinched Anakin's tunic to his waist and methodically undoing the clasp, searching out eye contact that Anakin was reluctant to give as his jaw hung slack, disarmed.
Thoughts swam through Anakin's mind, tearing painfully through his heart. I'm not your Padawan anymore. Not since you left. Anakin chose not to voice them, as if it would keep the imaginary man from knowing his thoughts. As if it would ruin the moment, as if it were something real that could be ruined to begin with. Because he was weak. It was what Obi-wan did to him, what he turned him into.
I can't keep doing this
"Why don't you forget about all that. You can do whatever you want. You always have." Obi-wan stated in a matter-of-fact tone, letting Anakin's belt drop to the floor as he started pulling his Jerkin from his shoulders.
"Take off your shirt." Obi-wan commanded smoothly. Anakin complied instantly, feeling a tickle in his chest and a warmth low in his belly.
Obi-wan's eyes dropped lower, gazing over his naked torso, brushing a hooked finger down the length of his bare stomach. "Since when have you ever been so ready to obey your Master?" Obi-wan spoke softly, making his hair stand on end as gooseflesh swept over his back, warm and pleasant.
Hands dropped down to his hips now, before fingers started unlacing his trousers slowly. He could feel the steady pant of Obi-wan's breath against his neck and the quick swelling of his cock behind the fabric that his Master was taking his sweet time freeing him from. He felt the painful aching need throb in his groin, taking pace with his quickening heartbeat.
Finally loosening the closure enough Anakin's cock sprung free from beneath the restrictive trousers that hid him, that Obi-wan worked him out from, pulling them down past his hips. Then his Master planted hands on his chest, shoving him back against the soft sleeper behind him. The sheets felt like cashmere on his bare skin as he fell, silken and warm. Obi-wan reached down, tearing Anakin's leggings off the rest of the way, leaving him completely exposed.
Anakin propped himself up on his elbows and sat up just enough to see his Master linger over him, appreciating the sight. Obi-wan's eyes tore through him hungirly as he worked patiently, methodically at his own belt. First unclipping his saber, then unfastening the clasps and pulling it from his narrow waist. Then he pulled his own jerkin from his shoulders, letting it drop to the floor without a second thought. Not bothering to undress fully Obi-wan then descended stealthily onto the sleeper after him, his clothes still obscuring the weapon of a man he was beneath it all.
"This is what you wanted, hm?" Obi-wan asked, brushing lightly along the inside of his thigh. Anakin pulled in a light gasp, exhaling slowly. "Only obedient when you want something?"
"I can be good, Master." Anakin said softly.
"Yes." Obi-wan said with some approval. "You can, and you will," he said sternly, his blue eyes boring into his own.
"Yes Master." Anakin whispered submissively, his eyes all but begging.
Obi-wan hummed a laugh behind his beautiful pink lips as his hands worked at his own leggings, revealing his thick cock. Really, it was intimidating, even for all that Anakin had experienced. It only made him want it more- want him more. He could feel the wet cooling precum dripping between his thighs as he ached for his Master to touch him.
But still, he waited as patiently as he was able. "You want your Master to stretch you open on his cock?" Obi-wan said, his voice lewdly hushed, his eyes sparked with lust and want.
"Yes," Anakin whispered breathlessly, feeling Obi-wan's hand trace down his sternum again, teasing lower.
"You want to be fucked." Obi-wan said, his words as dirty as they were seductive.
"Please," Anakin moaned, writhing beneath his Master.
"When did you learn such manners?" Obi-wan cooed, leaning down to bite at Anakin's lower lip, his beard scratching lightly against his chin. "Please," he whispered in his ear, his voice echoing the desperation Anakin had given only seconds ago.
"Mmmaster," Anakin begged, his body on fire.
"Yes, Anakin," Obi-wan replied softly, his lips hovering over his own.
"I need…" Anakin started, suddenly tears caught in his throat. An overwhelming surge of emotion ran through him.
Obi-wan's eyes flooded with soft empathy, with longing and what could only be described as love. "Shhh, I know." Obi-wan whispered. "I know dear one," he murmured before pressing his lips on Anakin's in a deep passionate kiss. You don't have to say it. I know.
I can't keep doing this
Obi-wan pulled away, a pained look on his face, his eyes full of that terrible sorrow. "I'm sorry," Obi-wan started, tears welling in his eyes, in Anakin's.
"Don't." Anakin said, his heart wrenching in anguish.
"Please, just-" Anakin started, in too deep negotiating with his subconscious to fully remember that all of this was just an illusion.
I can't…
A trilling cut through the air, one of the real world, far away from the imaginary world where Anakin came to torture himself with ghosts of both past and present.
"Go." Obi-wan said, seeming far off in the distance as Anakin forced his eyes open, hot tears leaking out.
And forget about me. You can't keep doing this.
"Skywalker," Anakin answered, clearing his throat, trying to hide the tears from his voice.
"Hope I didn't wake or interrupt you." Mace said, an apology, and not an apology at the same time.
"No, of course not. What is it?" Anakin asked back, sitting up and putting his feet on the floor.
"I hope you haven't grown too attached to Sullust." Mace said dryly.
"No, of course not." Anakin replied, itching to be deployed anywhere there might be action. Anywhere he could keep his mind off of all the things that haunted him when he had too much time to think.
"Good. I'm sending coordinates to you now. I'll explain while you're in transit. And be quick- time is of the essence."