So I've been thinking a lot lately… I'm still nowhere near done with where I see this fic going and I think I'm going to split it into two clear parts since there's a very clear divide. Where my brain is thinking of taking it, it gets a lot darker. So I'll finish this book off first and post it, see if you guys like it. And if you do then I'll work on the next and get that out to you. I'm just curious about what you guys are thinking about this one so far.
It started off as a small side project and took on a life of its own. I've really been enjoying writing it. But at the same time, it's a little draining at this point. I have a bunch of other Michael fics in the works and I switch between which I work on depending on what I'm feeling like. And this one at this point has started to be slower for me to work on and get done. (Although by the time you're reading this the first book will be complete, since I'm not posting this until it's done).
So yeah, my thoughts right now. I have a clear view on where this story will go but I also wanna see if there's enough interest to continue on with it to make a second part.
The sounds of birds chirping seemed to fill Amy's mind as she sat under the large tree in the garden. The air was chilly and she pulled Michaels hoodie around herself tight. It was around 7am-ish she presumed. She had been sat out here for hours trying to get some alone time and clear her head. It had been three days since she had her mental breakdown, and while she initially felt better at releasing all her pent up emotions, her emotional state felt worse off now and more fragile. Cordelia had requested to see her every day since, giving her almost therapy sessions like she did to Michael. Everyone at the academy seemed to worry about her and it was rubbing her nerves raw. The second day after her outburst, Cordelia had inadvertently let it slip that she knew what had happened to her in her personal hell. Amy knew the only way she would know is if Michael had told her and part of her felt betrayed. But she was feeling so exhausted from just existing that she didn't even mention it to him. By this point, she was just done with everything.
She had felt so bad for hurting him. She hadn't meant to, she had panicked when he grabbed her. Making her mind shift to her personal hell. She knew it hadn't been Michael to do that to her down there, but the thing still wore his face. And while she still loved Michael and knew he wouldn't ever hurt her that way, it was still difficult being around him. Mainly because he never left her alone, more so after her outburst. She knew it had affected him badly. As he told her, he had endured his own personal hell that day. But she felt like she couldn't move past it because she was stuck here. She was seeing his face every second of the day. She was putting up with people staring at her like they expected her to break. Dealing with Mallory and Coco fawning all over her. With the concerned eyes of fucking everyone. She felt like she couldn't breathe. Like she was crawling out of her skin. She wanted to move past what happened. She didn't want to be stuck in this dark limbo for the rest of her fucking life, but she couldn't when everywhere she went in the damn place, people were reminding her. That's precisely why she had snuck out before anyone was awake, including Michael.
She needed space. She needed to go over what happened, deal with it and lay it to rest. The day before Cordelia has suggested that she go and visit Misty. The girl had endured her own personal hell and Michael had saved her too. No one here knew what she was going through and Cordelia thought it might be helpful to talk to someone who got it. Someone different. She didn't know Misty really. And since she had been brought back she had taken leave from the coven for the time being and was now in a cottage a few hours away. She knew Cordelia visited her often. She'd met her only once and she liked her. But when Cordelia suggested she go, her first response had been no, and the reason had been Michael. She didn't want to fight with him. She didn't have it in her really. She knew he had been through things too and she worried what his reaction would be if she left for a few days. But she couldn't stand being in this place any longer with everyone treating her like she was made of glass. And after sitting here watching the sun come up for hours, she finally decided to say fuck it. She had been the one to be in hell getting raped by a monster wearing her boyfriend's face. She needed to get away for a few days and she was doing it. She was sick of worrying about other people. If she didn't worry about herself she'd snap again and she was terrified she'd hurt someone else, even worse this time.
She stayed outside even after her choice was made. Simply because even though she would go no matter what the boy said, she dreaded telling him. She was so fucking tired of everything. Her life had once been simple and now it was nothing but a mess and she wanted things to go back to how they had been. She didn't know what time it was when she heard movement from inside the school. She didn't know what time it was when she saw Cordelia peek at her from the window. She was only thankful the woman gave her the space she needed. And she didn't know what time it was when Michael left the building and headed to her. He didn't look panicked and she mused that Cordelia probably told him she was out here. But she could only imagine his reaction when he'd woken and she hadn't been there. She did feel guilty, but she needed to take care of herself.
He had a small frown as he walked over, looking almost hesitantly as he sat crossed legged in front of her. She didn't look at him, she didn't want to stare into his sad eyes and be made to feel guilty for what she was about to say. But she could feel his eyes burning into her, no doubt wondering why she had just left their room and came out here. He had been so unsure how to handle her after her outburst she'd noticed, like he wasn't sure what to say to her. How to act around her.
"I'm going to stay with Misty for a few days," she stated, ripping it off like fucking a bandaid because she couldn't take the silence any longer. The silence continued though and she finally looked at him. His jaw was clenched as he glared at the grass and she could see him trying to control himself.
"You're leaving me," he muttered tensely. She noticed how his fists were clenching and unclenching in front of him and he wouldn't look at her.
"Michael…" she sighed, shaking her head as she felt her energy waning. He looked at her then, his eyes full of concern when he saw just how sad and tired she looked.
"I just need… I need some fucking space. And before you ask, not just from you. But everyone. From this fucking place. I'm sick of everyone looking at me with those sad fucking eyes, like 'poor, poor Amy'. I can't stand it. How the fuck am I supposed to move on from what happened when everyone here is just reminding me over and over again?" her voice rose a little as her eyes stung with tears. Her heart ached badly in her chest and she shook her head sadly. She felt him reach out and grasp her hand then and when her blue eyes met his once more, he was crying.
"I love you. And that hasn't changed. But Misty knows what it's like. And I need to just take a breather and let myself move past this. Because I'm scared of what I'll do to myself if I can't," she admitted with a frown. His eyes widened looking almost panicked, his hand gripping hers tighter.
"What do you mean?" he asked quietly. Her lower lip trembled as she glared at their joined hands.
"I'm so tired Michael. I feel like I have no fight left in me. And the only thing stopping me from taking a knife to my wrists is the fear that I'll end up right back where you got me from," she sobbed brokenly.
She hadn't mentioned to anyone how she wanted to just end it all to be done with it. But the thought of being back in that hellscape terrified her. She couldn't even let the sweet release of death help her. She felt trapped. She was suddenly pulled into his lap and he held her close, sniffling into her neck as he grasped her like she might float away.
"No… you can't do that. I can't go through that again, please," he whispered pleadingly. She held him just as tight as more of her tears fell, leaning her head against his.
"That's why I need this Michael. And I know you won't be happy I'm gone for a few days. And believe me, I'll fucking miss you. But I just need some space from everything. I want things back to how they were," she muttered sadly. She felt him nodding against her before he moved his face to hers. He cupped her cheeks and he sniffled, looking like he was trying to compose himself. To be strong for her sake. It only made the pain in her chest get worse. His thumbs wiped away her tears as he gave her a weak smile.
"I don't want you to go, but I understand. I want you to be happy. I want you here with me. Just… please come back to me," he whispered, eyes imploring as they shone with his tears. His voice was so fearful like he genuinely thought she would just leave and never come back. He sounded like a scared child.
"I'll always come back to you Michael, I promise," she said softly, leaning her forehead on his. She was grateful for him in that moment. She knew how much he would have wanted to protest, to throw a fit about her leaving. How hard it was to let her go after what he had experienced through losing her once already. But he had been selfless. He didn't put up a fight and for that, she would forever be grateful to him.
They spent the rest of the day together, knowing they would soon part. It was a sombre air that encased them both. Amy was happy to get away, she knew she needed it. But at the same time, she didn't want to leave. She also knew how much he didn't want her to go and it only made her feel more guilty by the fact he hadn't mentioned it again even though she knew he wanted to.
The next day when he was in his meeting with Cordelia, she had gone into town without telling him. She knew she would be back before he was done since she was only getting one thing. She would be leaving that afternoon and she was filled with a mix of excitement and dread. She just couldn't wait to put all of this behind her. She wanted things to go back to how they used to be and she wanted to just be with Michael and have simpler times.
She sat on her bed waiting for him to be done as she nervously fiddled with the phone in her hands. It wasn't hers although it looked similar. She wasn't sure what his reaction would be. When her door opened, she glanced up and saw him come in. He had rings around his eyes and she knew he hadn't slept the night before. She knew because she hadn't either despite the fact she had pretended to. She stopped her pretence though when she heard him sobbing as he spooned her from behind. It broke her heart. She had rolled to face him in his arms and held him. The pair never uttering a word to each other, knowing it was pointless. But she held him until he calmed down and the sun came up.
He gave her a small smile when his eyes landed on her but it didn't reach his eyes. She stood up, still toying anxiously with the phone in her hands.
"I got you something," she said softly. Things felt so strained with them since her grand descent to hell. It was only made worse by her leaving. But she hoped once she came back with a clear head everything would be fine again. His eyes lit up a little, his smile finally reaching his eyes as he stood in front of her.
"You did?" he asked curiously. His faint real smile eased the dull ache in her chest. She couldn't remember the last time she had seen him smile. She held the phone out and he looked at it slightly confused until he took it.
"A… phone?" he asked hesitantly.
"I need to get out of this place. It's not about you or us. It's everything. But it doesn't mean I won't miss you. I still want to talk to you. I thought we could… you know, text or call or whatever whilst I'm gone. I don't think I'd cope without hearing from you every day," she admitted with pink cheeks. He swallowed thickly, his eyes shining with emotion as he looked at her. His lip wavered a little and she watched him carefully. She hoped he would be able to control his tears. She was feeling far too fragile today. She didn't think she would leave if he went crying on her.
"Thank you," he muttered with a shaky voice. She could see just how hard he was trying to control himself. He gave her a watery smile and sniffled and she took his free hand, leading him to sit on the bed.
"I set it all up for you. So all you have to do it use it to text or call," she explained softly. She reached over and tapped the screen twice, making it light up on the screen saver. It was the strip of pictures they had taken together when they went to the cinema. She had taken a photo of the pictures and put some fancy effects on it. His eyes lit up again and a boyish laugh left his lips that soothed her soul like a balm. He looked at her with so much adoration that her lungs were squeezed of air as she smiled back at him.
"You needed a passcode so I just set one for you," she said as he tried to unlock the phone and it didn't work.
"Aren't you going to tell me what it is?" he asked looking somewhat amused. A wry smile crept on her face then and she shook her head. The interaction between them almost felt normal. Like the weight of everything that had happened and her leaving had temporarily been placed into the backs of their minds.
"I want you to guess," she smirked. He tilted his head at her, eyes narrowing slightly at the sly look on her face. He rolled his eyes, turning back to the phone and tapping in '666'. Just as he expected, it unlocked and he gave her a look as she snorted to herself.
"Funny," he snarked playfully. He didn't mind at all though. He would let her do whatever she wanted as long as she smiled. He'd fucking missed the sight of it.
He looked back at the screen then, seeing that the wallpaper was different than the screensaver. His eyebrows furrowed. It was a picture he'd never seen before and he was confused since he was in it. He gave her a weird look and her cheeks flushed, eyes darting to the picture. He was sleeping, curled on his side with his arm around her as his head lay on her chest. The picture was taken from above them and she wasn't looking at the camera. She had her face turned to his sleeping head as she buried her nose in his hair. It was an intimate moment between lovers lay in bed together. No fake smiles. Just them.
"I took it a few weeks back on my phone. I thought maybe… you'd like it," she muttered, suddenly feeling self-conscious. She had been unsure whether to show him the picture at all if she was honest. She had taken it after some mind-blowing sex and he was holding her like a giant stuffed bear. But her heart had been so full in that moment that she wanted to capture it forever. Frozen in time for eternity.
"I love it," he said softly, eyes welling with tears as he glared at the phone. She heaved a sigh, feeling the heavy atmosphere come back tenfold.
"I know that… you don't want me to go. But I'm grateful you're being so good about it. I don't want you to think I won't miss you or that I'm leaving because I don't want us to be together anymore. I love you Michael and nothing will change that. I need to hear from you every day. I might just lose my mind if I don't," she admitted. She knew he would appreciate the phone. Being able to contact her. But her main reason for buying had been purely selfish. She knew she wouldn't be able to stand not being able to see him if she had no contact with him at all. He nodded, unable to look at her. She wasn't offended. She knew he was trying to reign himself in and she was just glad.
An hour later and she had her bag packed. She was only taking one since she was only staying for five days. She had bid her goodbye to Cordelia, asking her to tell the others she said goodbye. She didn't want to deal with anyone else or the pity in their eyes for a second longer than she needed to. Now she was stood just outside the academy with Michael. A black car was waiting to take her to Misty's cottage but the pair were holding each other tightly. He sniffled into her neck, his arms wound around her so tight she almost couldn't breathe, she relished in the feeling though. Knowing she wouldn't get to feel his arms around her for five days. Tears were stinging her eyes and when she reluctantly peeled herself away from him, his cheeks were damp. She needed to get away because it was killing her. She cupped his face, wiping his tears away as she gave him a weak smile as a tear of her own rolled down her cheek.
"I love you," she murmured sadly. He broke then. A small sob leaving his lips as he squeezed his eyes shut.
"I love you too," he replied quietly. They looked at each other for a moment longer. Nothing but pain being shared in that one look. She took a step back, trying desperately to ignore the ache growing in her chest at a rapid rate.
"I'll call you once I get settled in okay? And… and if you text me and I don't reply or I don't answer your calls right away, I might be busy. But I still wanna hear from you. Even if it's just to complain about people here or to tell me what you ate. I don't care," she rambled as the nerves of leaving him started to overtake her.
He took a sharp inhale, more tears falling down his cheeks as he took a shaky step towards her.
"Stay. Please," he begged brokenly. She should have known it would happen. He'd been so good to get this far without breaking down and begging her. She sniffled and shook her head, looking at him feeling heartbroken. He looked a mess as he grabbed her hands desperately.
"I can't Michael. I want us to be fine again. I need to go," she whispered sadly. His chest was heaving as he tried to control himself. She could see how he wanted to beg more. She could feel his desperation radiating off him. He let go of her hands and took a few steps back, clenching his hands. Part of her thought he was going to start shouting. That his darkness might take over as he clenched his jaw with his nostrils flaring.
"Go. Now. Or I won't be able to control it," he muttered tensely. She looked at him forlornly and nodded. Know he was referring to his darkness. She had been surprised it hadn't come sooner. He hated being away from her.
She grabbed her bag and hurried to the car, wishing she could have spent longer soaking him in. All it was doing was hurting them both. She couldn't look at him as the car pulled away. It was far too difficult. She worried for him. For how he would cope with her not being there. Worried about what he might do without her there to reign him in. But she had no choice but to go. She knew she would slip further and further into the abyss she had been sinking into if she didn't.
She had fallen asleep with her head pushed up against the window. She blinked her eyes open noticing how they looked like they were in the middle of nowhere. She grabbed her phone from her bag and noticed she had a few texts of Michael. Excitement and nerves welled inside of her, not knowing what he might have said. She unlocked her phone and nibbled her lip as she read them.
'I'm sorry. If you didn't leave right away I wouldn't have been able to stop myself.'
'I miss you already.'
'I love you, Amy. I hope you feel better once you get there.'
Her heart felt like it was growing in her chest reading his sweet messages. She was so lucky to have him in her life. She didn't know what she had done to deserve him. She sent him a quick message back telling him she loved and missed him too and that she was proud of him for being so strong for her. Then she locked her phone and put it back in her bag.
Another hour later and they were pulling up a dirt road and she sat up straighter seeing the cottage. She was a little nervous to see Misty. But she hoped talking to the woman would bring her some comfort after all she had been through. The car stopped and she thanked the driver as she grabbed her bag and got out. The car pulled away and she stood outside for a moment, taking a shaky breath. It felt so strange being away from Michael, away from her sisters. But there was a calming aura that seemed to surround the place that was out in the wilderness. She approached the front door, her hand clutching the strap of her bag as she tried to calm herself. It opened before she got there though and Misty Day stood with a bright smile on her face. Amy didn't know what came over her. Her feet faltered as a pain ripped through her chest. As though everything she had been suppressing was now rushing out of her. She sobbed, hard and desperately as she fell to her knees on the woman's doorstep.
"My sweet girl," Misty murmured sadly as she knelt before her. She wrapped Amy in a hug she didn't know she needed and the pair sat on the floor outside for what felt like forever as Amy sucked in greedy breaths and harsh sobs. Misty didn't complain though. She rubbed her back and held her tightly and Amy felt so safe in her arms.
After a while she calmed down enough that she was just sniffling and she moved away. Her cheeks were flaming as Misty gave her a warm smile and Amy snorted derisively at herself.
"Shit, I'm sorry," she muttered feeling mortified with herself. She rarely cried if she wasn't on her period and even though the woman was technically her sister, she had only met her once before and she was bawling like a baby. Misty reached out and stroked her cheek. It almost felt like a mother's touch. One she had been starved of.
"You don't have to be sorry. I know why you're here. The one rule I have for these few days is for you to not hold back. I want you to let it all out of you so you can go back home like your old self," she said softly. Amy looked at her grateful, a watery smile on her lips as she nodded. She allowed Misty to help her to her feet, her legs shaky as she lead her inside. She was already feeling a little better just from letting all of her anguish out. She had high hopes that when she was done here, she could leave all of this darkness behind her and move on. She could return to her old life. Return to Michael without the baggage she had been carrying around.