Chapter 23: The Toad Knows

It took careful planning to cross the border. Rain ninja were particularly paranoid, due to all those times we invaded them, and blatantly attacking a patrol would likely set off a war. Kakashi insisted that we were due for one, anyway, but we managed to convince him that intentionally setting it off counted as treason.

When we were past the border and well disguised as traveling merchants, Jiraiya decided to pass the time with a dramatic reading of his new Icha Icha Paradise manuscript. His dialogue flowed a lot more naturally than in the early work Kakashi favored, but that didn't make up for the plot. Additionally, we all could have done without the sound effects.

As Jiraiya squealed girlishly ahead of us, Sakura said, "On the one hand, it's perverted, but on the other hand, I'm getting really invested in Emiko's love life."

"I…I understand," Hinata said, "but you don't think people really do...you know. Do you?"

Sakura flushed bright red, exuding killer intent. "No, no way. Right, Sasuke?"

I didn't respond. Some things are meant to stay private.

"Her blood bloomed across the snow, camellia red"—Jiraiya smacked the manuscript closed—"Alright, I'm taking a brief break."

"But she's dying, and she never told Jorou how she felt," Naruto said.

"I appreciate the realism," Kakashi said.

The sannin winked. "I won't leave you all in suspense for long."

Jiraiya leapt back, and stood in front of Sakura. "Should I be expecting a kunai in the back mid-battle, or do you want to work this out now?"

Sakura blinked up at him. "What?"

Jiraiya used the manuscript to fan the thick, killing intent laden air away from his face. "One of my comrades hasn't wanted to kill me this badly since I was on a team with Tsunade."

"That's not me. It's…Would it be okay if I let my sister out?"

Jiraiya looked her up and down. "That depends. Where are you keeping her?"

"In my brain."

I clarified, "She means her split personality."

"No," Sakura said, "That was one theory, but Inner definitely has her own soul. Otherwise, I would be injured whenever she got hurt. Yamanaka-sama thinks that maybe we were twins, and I ate her."

"That's disturbing," Kakashi said.

Hinata stroked the puppet strapped to her back. "I think it's beautiful. They're never alone."

Sakura rolled her eyes, raising her hands in the bird seal. "I could definitely use some alone time. Naruto?"

Naruto made a clone, which Sakura promptly possessed.

Inner Sakura whirled towards Sakura. "You know I have to hear everything you do, right? I just spent the past two hours listening to that stupid book with its idiot main character. No self-respecting kunoichi would act like such a coward."

Jiraiya loomed over her, his expression cheerful. "Emiko has a sensitive side. That doesn't make my book stupid. In fact, it's full of subtle political commentary."

I did find it progressive how all the ninja characters had emotions, though they were far too influenced by them to ever be truly good at their profession.

Inner Sakura's killer intent started to deflate. "Uh…"

"Also, if you want to kill me so badly, then go ahead"—Jiraiya smiled slightly too widely—"Try."

Inner Sakura darted a glance at Sakura, then sprinted towards her with her hands raised in a seal.

Sakura dodged and unsheathed her sword. "Nope. You've been getting us into messes for years. You deal with it this time."

As we continued our journey, Inner Sakura fell back to guard the rear with Naruto. She removed her headband from the top of her head and started fiddling with it. "Have you ever thought about the fact that when you talk, people can hear you?"

"No," Naruto said.

Inner Sakura rolled her eyes. "Of course not. What an idiot."

"Hey!" Naruto said.

"See? It just happened again," Inner muttered. "It's creepy."

Shortly after the Icha Icha Tundra scene where the protagonists were forced to strip nude and huddle for warmth, Jiraiya veered off the road and led us into a swamp.

"Um, N-Naruto. Do you know why we're here?" Hinata murmured.

"I think we're lost," Naruto whispered as loudly as possible.

Jiraiya crouched down in the muck. "We have come here to convene with the toads."

The sannin snatched a toad and held it to his ear.

"You're kidding, right?" Sakura said.

"Shhh. The toad speaks."

I didn't hear anything.

After a minute, Jiraiya chucked the toad into the distance. "The toad knows nothing."

"Why are we asking the toads?" I said. "We have spies.

"Yes, but one of those spies insists that the Akatsuki live under an active volcano. The other one spent three pages of his last report rambling about how bad his memory is. I trust the toads."

Jiraiya stared us down. "Bring me another."

Naruto rutted about in the muck and soon shoved something at the legendary ninja, who scowled at it. "This…is a frog."

Kakashi caught the next toad with a flick of his kunai.

"You're a monster," Jiraiya casually remarked as he lifted its nearly bisected body towards him. Then, after a few moments, he set it down so that it sunk into the swamp.

Jiraiya stood and turned to Kakashi. "He told me where we have to go and, with his dying breath, cursed your name."

Kakashi shrugged, fishing around in the marshy ground to pluck his kunai out of the corpse. "Wouldn't be the first time."

Naruto waved his hand around to get our attention. "Wait, how did the toad know Kakashi's name?"

"The toad knows," Jiraiya said, striding further into the swamp.

The toad's directions sent us on a meandering path through swamps, marshes, forests, and backyard gardens. The final stretch involved crossing a pond that I am one hundred percent certain we passed two days earlier.

As the others walked across the water, Naruto and I had to doggy paddle. Sakura had offered to carry me across, but I knew exactly what she was trying to do. Swallowing several mouthfuls of stagnant pond water was much more pleasant.

Jiraiya and Hinata ran ahead to meet with local informants while the rest of the team lagged behind with us swimmers.

When we arrived onshore, Naruto and I dragged ourselves onto our backs to stare exhausted at the clouds. Sakura skipped past us. Then, her footsteps paused. "Kenshin?"

I tilted my head toward the flower salesman, who pushed a cart across the otherwise empty beach. "Oh, hi Sakura."

Kenshin visibly stopped himself from dodging when a kunoichi lunged at him, relaxing only when it turned out to be a hug. "Hi Inner Sakura. You seem particularly non-murderous today."

The light smile on her lips turned teasing. "When have I ever been murderous?"

"Not any time that I can think of," Kenshin said. "What a wonderful and utterly unquestionable coincidence that I happened to be here today."

"No one's questioning it," Naruto grumbled.

Sakura's fiancé made me nervous. He always acted suspicious, even when saying things that I knew were true. You have to be dedicated to come across that shady. Why consign himself to such a life unless he was trying to hide something huge?

I hauled myself up from the dark sand. "What are you doing here?"

Kenshin patted his flower cart, which echoed with emptiness. "Me? I've come to gather rare flower seeds. There are so many unique flowers in Rain, after all. Like they say, 'Rain country showers bring rare flowers.'"

Kakashi peered at Kenshin. "I've never heard anyone say that before."

"It's probably common among flower people. That's a likely story."

"It would explain a lot," Sakura agreed.

"Only a total idiotwould ever doubt it"—Inner Sakura leaned forward to play with Kenshin's long hair—"But, on a tangent that's totally not related at all, have you heard anything strange while you've been staying here?"

Kenshin's voice took on a slight edge of amusement. "I'm only a civilian, and I obviously haven't been listening for anything."

Inner Sakura twirled his ponytail around her finger. "Obviously."

"But you wouldn't have to be very observant to realize that there are an awful lot of Jashinists around or to learn about the group of missing ninja who've set up camp in an old manor house north of town. Sometimes you just overhear things."

Inner Sakura stepped back, gently letting go of the redhead's hair. "Thank you."

Kenshin blushed, tugging the ponytail back in place. "Why thank me? I bet a group of elite ninja like you would have figured it out in no time at all. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to my team….of flower salesmen."

"Good luck!" Inner Sakura said. When he was out of earshot, she turned to us. "I didn't realize the Hokage was sending an Anbu team in."

"Why would you think that?" Sakura said.

"Because Kenshin is here?"

"I'm not sure what you're implying."

Inner Sakura groaned. "Oh come on. You know he's the one with the Owl mask. I've been in your brain. Don't deny it."

Sakura's expression darkened. "Our fiancé is a civilian. You of all people should know that."

"Hn," I reluctantly agreed. The village's stance on Anbu secrecy could be a little…extreme. When Itachi joined, we were no longer allowed to talk about him being a ninja, even though everyone knew he was a jounin. I knew what was going on, and no one ever told me anything.

Whenever Itachi returned to the village from his missions, our father would shout at him to stop being a layabout and get an apprenticeship. At the time, I wasn't sure why they bothered. Looking back on it, I'm still confused. Usually, mother and I were the only ones who witnessed the fights.

"Anbu doesn't even exist in Konoha. It's just too sneaky and underhanded for us," Kakashi said. "We're very straightforward, we Leaf nin."

Inner Sakura flung her hands in the air, surrendering. "Alright, fine. I know nothing. Nothing to know; nothing to talk about. Taking this one to my grave."

We went to the village to meet up with the rest of our team, then ventured closer to the mansion for a little reconnaissance of our own.

Naruto POV

Naruto's team was trapped in the Akatsuki base's ballroom. Clay birds fluttered in the air, Sasori's puppets slouched in the corners, and most of the Akatsuki watched them from the stairs. There was the blond guy, the puppet guy, the religious guy, the guy with all those hearts, and also Kabuto. Naruto wasn't sure when Kabuto had joined the Akatsuki, but there he was, still playing with his cards.

Hidan glared at them. "How fucking stupid are you people?"

"Hey!" Naruto said.

Hidan slashed the air with his scythe. "You just walked in while all of us were here. I could kill most of you by myself. I have a goddamned godon my side, and even I don't pull shit like that."

Sakura glared at their sensei. "Kakashi said he had a plan."

"No he didn't," Naruto said. "He just said, 'Follow me,' and everybody did."

Naruto had only followed because he knew he wasn't the boss or anybody else important. He thought that most of the others had come because they didn't want to be left behind and miss the exciting parts.

"He seemed so confident," Hinata whispered.

"Sorry about that"—Kakashi glanced up from his copy of Icha Icha Paradise—"I'm very charismatic. I've been told that it is a curse."

"I'll give you something to curse about," Dark Sakura muttered. Her killer intent tickled Naruto's nose, and he sneezed loudly.

Naruto sniffled. "We should have all sent clones in, instead."

"Maybe I did," Jiraiya said.

Naruto had the sense that he was probably lying and wanted to check. But that meant hurting the old guy, and that would be a rude thing to do.

Apparently Dark Sakura didn't care about being rude, but Jiraiya blocked her attack. "Don't test me, kid."

"Will you all calm down?" Sakura hissed.

"Sorry," Hinata said.

Sakura massaged her forehead. "You are not the problem here, Hinata."

Kakashi attempted to ruffle Sakura's hair, but she dodged. He said, "Sakura is right. Everything is gonna be just fine. Soon, one of us will reveal some secret bloodline or a new technique that they've been working on for months, without telling anyone."

Kakashi looked at all of his teammates, and Naruto knew that Kakashi knew. Probably. But it was too soon, and could the chuunin really use his super-secret power? Or would that be morally wrong?"

Kakashi said. "It'll happen sometime. And then down goes the mansion."

Sasori, who had been eavesdropping from his position mid-way up the grand staircase, said, "This mansion is our home."

"Fwoosh. Like dust in the wind." Kakashi was clearly trying to mess with the missing nin's head.

Tobi raced in from deeper in the mansion and hopped down the staircase. "Tobi has good news. Fuu-chan and Utakada-kun are safe and sound, hiding so well that even the best seekers will walk right past them and say, 'Nobody here!' But somebody is here."

"That's nice, yeah," Deidara said.

"They promised to keep quiet until we finish doing whatever we're going to do with the evil Konoha ninja"—Tobi rubbed the back of his head—"What are we doing with the evil Konoha ninja?"

Hidan raised his hand, which was also holding a giant scythe. "I vote we kill them all."

"Don't destroy the heads," Kakuzu said. "Jiraiya of the Sannin and Sharingan Kakashi have considerable bounties."

"I also may be listed under Heart Stopper," Kakashi added, even though his original nickname was way cooler. The heart stopper thing sounded like a character from Jiraiya's books. Come to think of it, maybe that was why Kakashi liked it so much.

Kakuzu's bright green eyes narrowed. "Not in the bingo book."

Kakashi tapped the cover of his perverted book. "Oh, your copy is probably outdated, then. In fact, now that I'm thinking about it, I'm pretty sure I've already claimed those bounties."

Kakuzu turned towards Hidan. "Give me the two corpses. I'll help with the killing."

Hidan smacked his scythe's handle against the tile floor and grinned.

Deidara leaned on the railing, tapping his fingers against it. "Wait. Should we really kill them, yeah? I mean, they're at our mercy."

Hidan snorted. "What mercy?"

"They would kill us," Sasori said.

"Yeah, but they're the product of a broken system."

Sasori said, "As are we."

"True, yeah. But shouldn't we try to be better?"

Tobi hopped onto the railing and declared, "Tobi faces that question every time he looks in the mirror, but he has never found an answer."

"Have you tried taking off the mask, yeah?"

Tobi gasped, falling off the railing and landing on his back. "Deidara-sempai is so smart!"

You could almost feel the love radiating off of him. It mixed weirdly with all the hate radiating off of Dark Sakura. Her black eyes bore through the team. "They are going to kill us. Does anyone have a plan?"

Nobody did.

"Does anyone besides Deidara have any objections?" Sasori said.

Sakura raised her hand. "Excuse me. Does it help if I mention that I am still a practicing Jashinist?"

Sasuke had mostly been sitting around and not helping anyone while he quietly judged them all. This was the moment that he finally decided to speak. "I've never seen you sacrifice anyone."

Sakura's usual sunny smile dimmed as she fought for her life. "I'm a casual Jashinist. I only do the full rites for holidays and weddings and stuff. But I'm always helping my fellow Leaf nin find Jashin. Right, Hinata?"

Hinata hid behind her hair, her puppet standing in front of her with a kunai drawn. "Um. Yes. She, she always…does that."

Sasuke stared at Sakura without expression, and she got really angry. "Shut up, Sasuke."

"Other objections?" Sasori said.

Tobi shot up into a sitting position. "Tobi knows that Naruto is a good and kind person."

"That does not matter," Kakuzu said.

Deidara drew a clay bird from his pocket, thoughtfully examining it. "Is it just me, or do nice people die more often, yeah?"

Sasuke grunted in some sort of vague approval. Naruto didn't know why the bastard always had to stick his nose in everything.

Tobi curled up in the fetal position. "Now Tobi is sad."

Sasori had been staring at Sasuke for a while, but people always did that. Naruto only really noticed it when Sasori said, "Kabuto, am I correct that the ninja in blue is Itachi's younger brother?"

Kabuto shuffled through his cards and said, "Yes, ah. Sasuke Uchiha. Only survivor of the Uchiha massacre. Mostly A-ranks and D-ranks. Also acclaimed for killing Zabuza, one of the Seven Swordsmen—"

Sasori raised a hand, and his puppets all mirrored the motion. "This could be a problem."

Hidan said, "Itachi's still hunting down that bounty. He doesn't need to know."

Naruto looked towards the door, half-expecting Itachi to bust in. But there was nothing interesting, outside of Hinata's puppet, which was now creeping around the room.

Deidara tossed his clay bird in the air. "When has a plan that relied on Itachi not seeing something ever worked out for us, yeah?"

The bird exploded.

Hidan growled. "Fine. Hogtie the Uchiha. Sacrifice the rest."

"I get the heads," Kakuzu said.

"I'll find some use for the bodies. Perhaps spare parts." Sasori sidestepped an attack from Hinata's puppet, and his best friend puppet scooped the little one up.

Tobi sprung to his feet and started jumping up and down. "Ooh, ooh! Can Tobi have Kakashi's mask?"

This had gone too far. Naruto would be fine because Naruto wasn't here right now, but his teammates were in danger. He strode forward, ignoring the freaky puppets approaching him and the explosive bird that landed on his shoulder.

"I have a great and terrible power," Naruto said.

"We know about the fox," Hidan said.

"…Not that one."

Naruto paid no attention to the reaction of his team. Now wasn't the time to talk about village secrets, or to yell at Kakashi for his smug, "I knew it" humming.

At least the Akatsuki seemed interested in his amazing technique. Kabuto pulled out a pencil and began looking for Naruto's card. Tobi stood up and walked closer, curiosity in his one visible eye. Deidara hadn't exploded the bird yet.

Where was he again? Oh, right.

"I have a great and terrible power. When I punch people in the face so hard that their eye pops out, they stop existing. And I don't mean the normal type of stopping existing. They also never existed in the past."

Naruto didn't understand why he could do this. Maybe it was because of the demon in him. Sure, no one had ever mentioned that the Nine-tailed Fox could erase people from existence. But then, if it could, how would you ever know?

"That's so scary!" Tobi started giggling, but Naruto knew it hid real fear.

"If it makes you feel any better, I'll still remember who you are"—Naruto's grin had a prankster's edge—"Obito."

Jiraiya made a small sound of shock at the shocking revelation, and Tobi stopped laughing. "Obito?"

"It makes sense," Sasuke said.

"Obitobiobitobiobitobi," Kakashi added. "See?"

Tobi moved closer, until he was within range of Deidara's explosive clay birds. He showed no fear. Maybe he was a clone, too.

"Tobi isn't Obito. Obito is dead. Don't you remember, Ka-ka-shi?"

Tobi's voice deepened. "When we murdered him?"