Bohemian Rhapsody (pt. 3) – The Fandango
I see a little silhouetto of a man,
Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango?
Well, well, well, don't mind if I do.
Oh! You're back. Wade Wilson, again. Remember me? Madam Narrator is still otherwise occupied, so it's up to me to continue on with this story.
But first let me just say how offended I was by some of your comments. Madam Narrator has abandoned you all, leaving me to pick up the slack. If it wasn't for me—Wade Wilson—you would still be waiting for a chapter update of this nonsense stew. It would serve you all right if I just hopped on my unicorn, tracked you all down, and pulled a Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back. I didn't tie up Madam Narrator and lock her in a closet just to have all the glory go to that—I've said too much…
Moving on!
In the last installment of the completely derivative Marvel High, a bunch of copyrighted characters that neither I nor Patty Hearst over there have any affiliation with had arrived at school. There was also something about an actual storm being symbolic for the inner turmoil felt by the aforementioned characters, which is the laziest of literary metaphors but whatever. Everything ended with an ominous close-up of Loki grinning, which is ridiculous. I'm allowed to invade the minds of whatever character I want, but I can't get in Loki's head? Is it because Madam Narrator has no idea what she's doing with him? Cause I think it is… But what do I know?
Now that we've Carried On with the Wayward Son-portion of this chapter, how about we get on with the regularly scheduled programing?
Without any further ado, allow me—Wade-McFreaking-Wilson, not Madam Narrator—to present the third installment of Marvel High's "Bohemian Rhapsody" mini-arc entitled The Fandango.
Time to get weird!
As it happens, the evil grin is more of a default characteristic of Loki. There's no way he could predict what would happen next, which is nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Had you going there for a minute, didn't I?
That's right. Nothing happens.
Just because Loki has a plan and y'all know this is a story, doesn't mean the other characters do. They're teenagers for Jesús's sake, so they're painfully self-obsessed. For instance, right now, Bruce is sizing up Bucky, trying to be intimidating—bless his heart—and failing, because he thinks that will get Natasha's attention. The problem with that plan is that Natasha is on the other side of the parking lot, stuck in conference with Clint, Carol, Maria Rambeau, and Valkyrie, trying to figure out how the photo got leaked.
Tony Stark, on the other hand, is all too aware of his buddy's desperate attempt at a misguided self-makeover, but he's too busy to deal with it. Pepper Potts has just emerged from the passenger seat of Happy's car and is headed his way. Below her relaxed exterior demeanor, the statuesque strawberry blonde is simmering with a fury like Hell hath no, so I'm afraid the boy genius, Jimmy Neutron-looking m*therf*cker (…did I just get bleeped? What the hell? Go ahead and bleep me all you want; they know what I said…) is about to be too preoccupied to deal with his Science Bro better half.
And then there's Bucky. Poor, poor Bucky. He has no idea why Bruce is looking at him like this. Sure, Bucky's a handsome fella, so he's used to all kinds of staring, but Bruce isn't really his type. How is he supposed to know that Bruce is just as ill-fatedly obsessed with his ex-girlfriend as he is? Bruce wasn't in the picture that's been frozen on the computer screen of Bucky's mind's eye since Saturday night. He has zero context for this uncomfortable exchange!
"We need to talk," Pepper announced.
"Uh, yeah, I got that," Tony said, holding up his phone—a terrible idea, really, but he has no clue his on-again/off-again girlfriend is about to boil over with unspeakable rage.
Pepper frowned.
"Okay, okay," Tony acquiesced, holding his hands up in surrender. "What do we need to talk about?"
Pepper stared pointedly at Tony's car. Tony sighed. He walked around to the passenger side and held the door open, allowing Pepper to slide in. He walked back to the driver's side and got in.
"Homecoming," Pepper finally replied.
"Yeah? What about it?" Tony asked, searching the parking lot for Natasha.
"I'm going dress shopping this weekend, so I need to know the color of your accessories and of the corsage you plan to get."
"What? Why?" Tony stammered, his eyes darting back to Pepper's threatening smile.
"Don't be ridiculous, Tony. Of course, we're going together."
"Since when? I thought you were mad at me…"
Pepper rolled her eyes. "And why would you think that?"
"Oh, I don't know, maybe cause you haven't spoken to me in a week."
Well, this isn't going well, is it?
"Tony," Pepper said with a sigh, "Tony, Tony, Tony. I'm not mad at you. I love you, silly. We both know how this goes. You do something outrageous or stupid, so I have to give you space for a bit. It doesn't change how we feel about each other, does it?"
Tony watched Pepper warily. "No, I guess not."
"You guess not?" Pepper repeated with a slight frown. "Tony, please tell me you didn't do something foolish like ask someone else to the dance."
Slowly, Tony shook his head. "No."
Pepper's frown disappeared, leaving a wide, bright smile in its place. "Good. So, colors?"
While Pepper was working her mind control on her boyfriend, Natasha and her group had come to the conclusion that the leak couldn't have been any of them. With that settled, Natasha surveyed the parking lot, looking for Tony. He needed to be informed about the latest update. Maybe he had some ideas (*spoiler alert*: he didn't).
Natasha's search finally ended when her gaze fell upon Tony sitting in his car. From her current position, she couldn't see the girl sitting in the passenger seat, which is probably why she felt comfortable enough to head that way.
Braving the rain, Natasha crossed the parking lot and was just about to approach Tony's car when she saw a white, well-manicured hand snake around the back of his head and pull him towards the passenger seat. With this new position and Natasha's new angle, she had a clear view of Pepper Potts capturing Tony Stark in a PG-13-rated kiss. For some reason, the sight made Natasha's stomach drop.
She didn't have long to question her reaction because a loud crash captured her attention. Natasha looked in the direction of the commotion just in time to see Bruce lunge at Bucky.
A clash of lightning and the near-immediate roar of thunder masked the rumble of a car's engine as Mr. Fury peeled into the parking lot. He emerged from the hastily parked car, flew by Natasha's frozen figure, and broke up the Bucky-Bruce smackdown moments after it had begun.
"Don't you all have somewhere you need to be?" Mr. Fury said, turning his questioning glare towards the curious onlookers.
This included Tony Stark, who had exited his car after the sounds of fighting forced Pepper to release her hold on him. Tony was initially distracted by the scene of hostility before him and ignorant to the soaked redhead standing a few yards away. A flash of red caught his attention as Natasha turned away. Tony could only stare helplessly after her as Pepper came around on the other side to grip his hand with her own. That didn't stop him from catching Natasha's last glance at him, which broke his heart. Figuratively speaking, of course. Damn drama queen.
Natasha wandered mindlessly into the school, making her way towards her first period class with Dr. Pym. When she walked into the room, her eyes widened slightly when she saw a figure sitting in Bruce's seat.
"Um, that seat's taken," she said to the unfamiliar boy.
Natasha was met with a sweet, blue-eyed stare as the boy looked up apologetically at her.
"My apologies," the boy said with an innocent smile, "I didn't know."
Natasha felt her stomach flip a little at the musical quality of the boy's voice. She shook her head. "No. It's okay."
The boy looked around the room. "Would you mind if I stayed here until everyone else has arrived? Just so I don't make this same mistake again?"
Natasha glanced at the empty classroom. "Um, sure. I don't see why not."
She took a seat and the boy extended his hand to her. "I'm Loki, by the way."
Natasha took Loki's hand in her own. "Natasha. Natasha Romanoff."
She watched in surprise as Loki brought her hand to his lips and pressed a light kiss against her knuckles.
"Lovely to meet you, Miss Romanoff," Loki said with a warm smile, releasing her hand.
Soon, the classroom was full as students tried to beat the final bell. Natasha was concerned by the absence of her usual partner, something Loki seemed to notice.
"Your lab partner seems to be absent today," he noted.
Natasha strained to get a glimpse out into the parking lot, but it looked empty.
"He was here, but he got into a fight with…" she trailed off.
"Oh dear," Loki exclaimed. "Then I'm afraid he's probably not going to make it to class today. If he was in a fight and hasn't shown up yet, it probably means he's in the principal's office. They take fighting very seriously here."
Natasha's gaze flew to the door. "I guess that makes sense. Mr. Fury broke it up."
"I'm sorry to hear that, Miss Romanoff," Loki admitted falsely in the best sympathetic voice he could muster. "Well, we're supposed to work in partners today, and the only available seat is over there." He pointed to an empty table. "Perhaps, if I may be so bold, you would be willing to work with me today, since your usual partner has been inconvenienced? I could move, if you'd like, but I have a feeling Dr. Pym will just move me back."
Natasha considered this, forgetting to question how or why Loki would know any of this on his first day in that class. Quietly, she nodded.
"Yeah. That would be great. And, please, call me Natasha."
Loki smiled. "Natasha, it is, then."
Principal Ross stared down his nose at the two boys sitting across from him on the other side of his giant desk.
"Mr. Barnes, Mr. Banner, we meet again," he began. His bushy mustache twitched with every syllable. "We are only one week into the new year, yet you two seemed determined to cause trouble."
"But I—" Bucky protested, but his pleas were cut short by Principal Ross's raised hands.
"That's enough, Mr. Barnes. I gave you leniency after the situation with Mr. Stark because you acted in self-defense, but I find it hard to believe that this should be the case again. Please, give me one reason I shouldn't expel you on the spot."
Bucky shot Bruce a glare out of the corner of his eyes. Bruce looked away.
"It was my fault," Bruce finally admitted under the power of Principal Ross's hardened stare. "I started it."
"Well, that is surprising, Mr. Banner," the principal said, directing his stare at Bruce. "Wholly unexpected. Is this true, Mr. Barnes?"
Bucky nodded, his gaze transfixed on Bruce's avoidant figure.
Principal Ross clapped his hands together. "Right then, it looks like you're safe from expulsion for now, Mr. Barnes. Unfortunately, I will have to add another week to your detention. As for you, Mr. Banner," he turned to Bruce, "since this is your first offense, we will also hold off on the subject of expulsion. Instead, you will be joining Mr. Stark and Mr. Barnes in detention for the next two weeks. Is that understood?"
Bruce nodded solemnly.
"Good. Now, I want both of you to report to Nurse Parker's office. Get yourselves cleaned up. It's a bit too late to attend your first classes, so make sure to get a note from Miss Carter at the front desk. You can give those to your respective teachers once first period is over. And don't forget to report to detention immediately after school. That is all," he finished, shooing them away.
Bucky and Bruce rose from their seats and left the office.
"Did they happen to mention what they were fighting about?" Principal Ross asked once the door had shut behind them, revealing Mr. Fury leaning casually against the wall.
The political science teacher frowned. "Something about a girl, I think. What else do boys that age fight about?"
"A girl?" Principal Ross mused. "How common. Find out what you can. It seems like we need to keep an eye on this situation."
Mr. Fury fought not to roll his eyes. "Yes, sir."
Principal Ross studied his subordinate, then nodded. "Right. You may go."
Without another word, Mr. Fury exited the office.
Ooh! Exciting, right? Not what you expected, right? Don't lie to me, or you'll end up like Madam Narrator.
Ugh—I shouldn't have said that. I should not have said that. Forget what I just said.
Anywho, I bet you can't wait for part four. It's sure to be a rockin' good time!
XOXO,
Wade Wilson.
*Song Inspiration: "Bohemian Rhapsody" - Queen