Chapter 28
Content warning: drug use.
Tears streaming down her face, Azula skids to a halt in front of her yapian hut. She leans against the rough bark of a tree, catching her breath in great shuddering gasps. Pine sap sticks to her palm. It could be worse. At least she didn't kill anyone. But then she remembers the look of terror and betrayal on Temurin's face as he flew through the air. Disappointment, pain, fear…when was the last time she actually hurt a friend? She truly is a monster.
Only one thing can ease the chaos of her emotions. Azula falls to her knees, not caring that the slushy mud soaks through to her skin. Her hands shake. She opens the pouch of yapian she stole from Mayor Sota. In an instant, its sweetness is on her tongue, and she closes her eyes to let the golden throb begin. Guilt sweeps away with the tide.
"I thought I'd find you here." Altan's voice floats in through her serene coma. "Temurin was worried about you, so he made me follow."
"Sweet of him," Azula says, trying as hard as she can to be caustic. But through the haze the words come out with a giggle. She opens her eyes to see Altan's blurry figure standing over her.
"Yes, you would think so, wouldn't you?" Altan says implacably. "Get up, Nekana. I need to ask you something."
"No."
Nekana is sprawled on the ground, back against a tree, with a characteristically dreamy look on her face. Bits of leaves and twigs cling in her hair, and her face is streaked with dirt and tears. She's never been this upset when she's fought with him. Gritting his teeth, Altan kneels beside her, turning her jaw towards him with one hand. If he's wasting time being here instead of getting back to Mila and her troops, he might as well make us of the detour. He stares into Nekana's cloudy eyes. "Nekana, this is serious. We're attacking the Fire Nation garrison in less than an hour."
Nekana chuckles, eyes half-lidded. "You? Attack something?"
"It's not a joke, Nekana!" Altan snaps. "The Qima vote for independence is obviously rigged by Mayor Sota. So some loyalists and I are taking things into our own hands."
Nekana squints like she's trying hard to focus on Altan's face. Disgusted, Altan lets go of her face. She's too high to be of any use. Once he would have stayed to make sure she gets over this dosage, but not anymore. He turns to leave.
"You'll never beat Zuko," Nekana says unexpectedly. "He's strong now, thanks to me." She whimpers slightly. "But he's alone. Or…I'm alone."
"What do you mean, 'Zuko is strong thanks to you'?" Altan says slowly.
Nekana shakes her head, still distressed.
"Do you know the Firelord?" Altan demands. He kneels back down and grasps her shoulders. "Answer me!"
"Don't ask, I won't tell," Nekana says sleepily.
"Were you a palace servant? A soldier?" Altan tightens his hands to prevent them from shaking. "Did you work for the Firelord?" This could be the entrance he needs, information to take back to Ba Sing Se, to bring to his mother…
"You think I was a commoner?" sneers Nekana, seeming more awake. "Let me tell you, darling, there is not a drop of peasant blood in my veins."
"Then how do you know the Firelord?" Altan hears his own voice quiver, not sure he wants to keep pushing, but drawn inexorably deeper and deeper into Nekana's drug-induced confession.
Nekana straightens with foggy pride. "I grew up with Zuko, fought with him, and brought the walls of Ba Sing Se to the ground with him. I know the Firelord because I loved him."
"You…loved him?" Altan says. Images and ideas are chasing through his head: Nekana in scarlet robes, standing beside the Firelord, embracing him, fire pouring from her hands, a child in a desert town screaming… "Who are you?"
"I am Azula."
As soon as she says her name, the strange, heady confidence that was driving her melts away. She's empty, completely empty. Just like Altan's face. For so long she's dreaded this moment, grown nauseated at the thought of her friends knowing who she truly is…and now the time has come she can only wait. For one glorious second, Altan doesn't react, and she imagines him embracing her, saying it's alright, she was stupid to worry.
"You're a monster," Altan says. He lets go of her like she's turned white-hot. "You're a mass murderer! You've killed thousands of innocent people."
"Personally? Only a few dozen," Azula corrects him dully.
"I kissed you," Altan says in disgust. "We—" He breaks off. Gags. And vomits onto muddy, mossy forest floor. "You shouldn't be alive," he says weakly after a few seconds.
"I know." Azula leans back against the tree. She had imagined the horrible things Altan or Temurin could say if they found out. But somehow this is worse. Remarkable. She didn't think she could feel more broken than she did the night Zuko locked her away. But the spirits keep showing her new lows. And now, after all her travels in the Colonies, she is aware that she deserves everything Altan can throw at her and more. She feels very cold.
"What are you doing here?" Altan asks, wiping sick off his lips with the back of his hand. "What kind of-evil scheme brings you to Qima?" The pine forest is silent and half-frozen. Waiting.
"No scheme," Azula admits. "I'm just trying to stay away from Zuko. To protect him."
"Because you love him," Altan says. There's that look again: pure revulsion. "I thought I loved you."
Another stab wound. But at some point, she has to stop feeling pain. "Are you going to try to kill me?" Azula asks. He did bring a very large sword.
Altan pauses. He's actually thinking about it. And Azula doesn't even know what she wants him to decide. Maybe it is time for her to go. She meets his soft brown eyes. They were happy for a short time, at least. They were friends.
"Just stay out of Qima," Altan says. "Leave here. Whatever you're planning, don't try it. Qima will be part of the Earth Kingdom by tonight." He pauses, and then his words tumble out in a rush. "And if you had any conscience…you'd throw yourself in the river."
He leaves. Pine needles crunch beneath his feet, and Azula watches him go. So pretty, even now.
Ursa shakes her head in disapproval from behind the tree, where she's been watching. "That boy is going to get himself killed," she sighs.