In which shit gets complicated. This is a stressful chapter that references death and violence.
March 3, 2024
At first glance, Erik's mind appears both dark and empty. The memories you encounter are not in any sort of order. They are out of context, floating freely and randomly, tethered to nothing. There's no rhyme or reason, no up or down, and it is difficult to make any sense of it at all.
Your previous attempts to venture past this point were unsuccessful. Somehow, you always ended up losing yourself to the chaos, draining your own resources and waking up to discover that you had once again failed.
But now you have a safety net, someone keeping watch from the outside. And thus, you plunge deeply into Erik's past, as far back as you can go. You wade through the fragments until they get clearer and brighter.
Eventually, you see a young Erik before you. He is nothing at all like the man you know. He wears a constant scowl. He is brooding and withdrawn. He spends his time alone, away from others, buried in books.
Erik's home life is dreary. He is an only child. His mother is a superficial woman. She busies herself with dinner parties and gatherings and other domestic exploits, all designed to distract herself from own misery and lack of purpose. Erik's father, too, is somewhat superficial. He is almost entirely absent from his son's life. He exists mostly in still images and anecdotes told by other family members. Erik's mother smothers him with affection in order to compensate for his father's absence. But even at his tender age, Erik sees through her charade.
Erik is a polite child. He does what is expected of him, though he does not have many friends. He is highly intelligent, and school is not nearly challenging enough for him. He does not connect easily with others. He cannot relate to their interests. He does not wish to run about or do the things that other boys are doing. He wants to read. He wants to build things, and he wants to take things apart. Sometimes he is mocked by his peers. He tries to laugh along with them, even though he does not understand their jokes. He does not assert himself. He accepts that he is strange and that strange is apparently bad.
Things change for Erik as he emerges from adolescence. He is an attractive young man. Though boys his age still want little to do with him, girls his age begin to show great interest. He continues to feel awkward, but he realizes that being desired by the opposite sex means he has an opportunity to fit in. Nevertheless, due to his limited social experience Erik's judgement is poor. He seeks validation from the wrong sort of people. He gets into mischief and experiments with mind altering substances. He stays out late. Sometimes, he does not come home at all. He lies to his parents over and over again, daring them to intervene. But they are far too consumed with their own woes to take notice. As Erik grows older he comes to resent them both.
Erik travels to England to study. He thinks the separation from his family and the change in scenery will do him good. Suddenly, he is surrounded by people who are more like himself, who are in pursuit of knowledge and who share his specific interests. He is finally in his element. Amidst it all, there is always a woman on his arm. Erik is frivolous with his affections. He shares a bed with many young females. He enjoys the constant attention, though he forms no emotional attachment.
Several years into his studies, Erik learns that a female classmate is carrying his child. When he shares the news with his parents, he expects disapproval. But they are indifferent, neither pleased nor displeased. Erik, too, is somewhat ambivalent about the matter. A wedding follows shortly, a quaint, informal affair. Erik cares for his bride's well-being but he is not in love with her. He marries out of duty and obligation, because he believes it is the right thing to do, and because it is what is expected of him.
As the baby's arrival draws closer, Erik's wife pressures him to abandon his academic pursuits and obtain full time employment. He agrees to procure a job but refuses to discontinue his studies. Money is scarce and is a constant source of conflict between them. Erik does not know how a husband or a father should behave. He imitates that which was modeled for him by his own father and spends the bulk of his time away from home. Outwardly, he claims that providing financially is the best way to care for his family. Inwardly, he knows that he is simply avoiding that which is unpleasant. He is unsatisfied with his life. He feels trapped. He blames his wife for his unhappiness.
When Lars is born, he appears perfectly healthy. Erik likes the idea of having a son. He feels validated by the child's existence. Finally, there is someone out there who will be just like him.
Two years later, when Lars contracts some sort of infection, physicians detect a structural abnormality in his heart. They caution that Lars will be fine for the time being, as long as he does nothing to exert himself. But without a heart transplant, his life span will be dramatically shortened.
The physicians are unable to find a donor heart that is suitable for Lars. The child continues to contract infections and his health steadily declines. Erik begins to pull away from his son. He is reluctant to become attached to Lars, because he knows the child's days are numbered. He is terrified of experiencing genuine loss. He convinces himself that his wife has the situation well at hand and that his involvement would only complicate things. As the boy's illness worsens, tensions build, and Erik spends more and more time away from home. When his son passes and his wife petitions to end their marriage, Erik feels relieved.
Erik relocates to the United States to complete his education. He treats his marriage and his son's death as no more than a temporary setback. But over the next few years, he becomes consumed with guilt and self-loathing. He is angry, depressed and withdrawn. He drinks more and more, in a vain attempt to avoid coping with his own emotions. He instigates conflict with others, which often escalates to violence. When an academic mentor warns him that he is in danger of losing everything he worked for, Erik seeks assistance from mental health practitioners. They help him to understand his pain. He begins to mature and learns to form meaningful connections. He realizes that he has no interest in romantic relationships and accepts that there are other ways to draw fulfillment from life.
Erik eventually becomes a professor of Theoretical Astrophysics at a university in West Virginia where he acquires many good friends, such as Bruce Banner, and both Jane and her father.
As you grow closer to the present, portions of Erik's subconscious that were previously dark or empty no longer appear so. The details are still limited. But there is at least something there to work with.
You work quickly and diligently. It is not until you encounter yourself in Erik's mind, that you come to an abrupt halt.
It's a peculiar thing…to see yourself through someone else's eyes. Because you can speculate all you wish about what others think of you. You never actually expect to know for sure.
You witness yourself arriving on Earth with the intention of acquiring the Tesseract. Erik is fascinated by you, initially. He does not believe he has any reason to be afraid. When he hears that you are the brother of Thor, he assumes that you are a friend, someone who can be trusted. He is mistaken, of course. You abduct him and flee. For nearly a week, he is under your control. During that time, like so many others, he answers directly to you. Unlike the others, however, he asks so many questions. Though his will is not his own, his curiosity is genuine. He wants to learn. He wants to understand. He wants to know everything that can be known.
You did not realize the extent to which he was affected by your short encounter. When Erik's connection to the Mind Stone is broken, he is left disoriented and confused. He experiences nightmares and insomnia. He in engages in erratic behavior and is temporarily institutionalized. It occurs to you that you now have the power to delete such memories from Erik's mind. Anything you might have done to hurt him...any reason he might have to think poorly of you. It could all be eradicated right here and now. It would be so easy.
It would also be wrong. These memories do not belong to you, and they are not yours to take.
The next few years of Erik's life are spent regaining his sanity. Wishing to uncomplicate his life, he leaves S.H.I.E.L.D. They award him a generous monetary settlement for his troubles. His life returns to normal, somewhat. He moves to Solvay and takes a position at the university in Syracuse. His time is divided between teaching and research. He purchases a home, the first one he has ever owned. He begins to feel safe again. He asks Jane to join his research group at the university and she accepts. He invites her to live with him, but she says she prefers to live alone and rents an apartment that is closer to the campus.
Erik's life is fairly uneventful until Thanos comes. He is consulted, briefly, after which he is invited to an underground compound for protection. He declines the offer, stating only that if he is going to die he would prefer to do so at home. The war against Thanos does not last very long. Erik is nowhere near any combat zone. When the snap takes place, the direct effect upon him is minimal. Through the living room window, Erik watches as distant aircraft fall from the sky and crash into the ground below. He calls Jane immediately to ensure that she is still alive. He spends the rest of the day on his phone and computer, reaching out to friends and colleagues, trying to ascertain who survived and who did not.
Erik is intrigued to learn of your survival from Bruce Banner, especially since he believed you were already dead. Over the phone, Bruce describes the events that surrounded Thor's death. He tells Erik that your reaction was unnerving. He came apart, Bruce tells him. Like a little kid comes apart. It is difficult to hear someone speak of you this way. You find yourself withdrawing, skipping through the details of their conversation.
Erik is both terrified of you and fascinated at the same time. It is his idea to bring you to his home. No clear motive is apparent. Erik is oblivious to his own reasons. Jane is supportive, though she tells him to be careful. Erik is dismissive of her concerns. When Erik explains his idea to Steve Rogers, he claims that he is doing it for Thor. After all, Thor would want to know you were taken care of, that you had somewhere to go. It is clearly a lie, one specifically tailored to acquire Steve's assistance. Erik's duplicity is successful, however. Steve agrees to go and liberate you from your captors. One day later, you arrive at Erik's house.
Once again, seeing yourself from the outside is unsettling. There is no grace, no poise, no confidence. You appear shaken, frightened, and anxious. Erik is afraid of you but does not want you to know it. His fear and curiosity quickly give way to compassion. He concludes that you are not dangerous. You are simply grieving and in pain. He wants to give you space to recover. While you behave like a petulant child, completely indifferent to his generosity and benevolence, he graciously tolerates your behavior.
Various scenes unfold before you. Through the kitchen window, Erik watches you working in the garage. He admires your focus, your meticulous attention to detail. Erik looks in on you, after hearing you cry out in your sleep. Erik returns home, after a long day working at the university, and the two of you share a meal together. Such events would be considered, by most, entirely benign. Yet, you find it unbearable to look upon yourself this way, painful even.
You focus instead on the task at hand. You work frantically to knit together the remaining pieces. There is so much more that is missing, and so much that is confused and disordered. It is something like being in a dream. The longer you work, the more disconnected you feel. There are things that you know are gone forever, things that cannot be fixed. And so, you build them from scratch using what little you know to be true. The things Erik does not remember, you remember for him. You fill in the cracks with tiny bits of yourself. You've never done this before, or anything like it. You not sure how much longer you can go on before you will end up doing yourself actual harm.
And when you finally finish, you are alone. You no longer detect Erik's presence. You are not in his mind but lost somewhere within your own. You retreat deeply into the soft layers of your subconscious. You fear that you have driven yourself too far, a state beyond deep sleep. You drift through the infinite blackness, trying desperately to find something you can cling to, some safe place where you can hide and wait.
May 27, 2011
You awake to a discomfort that evolves quickly into excruciating pain. You are suspended above the ground somehow, your arms pulled back behind your body. You are surrounded by walls of stone. You can feel something squeezing around your wrists and ankles. Rope, perhaps? No, it is far too strong to be rope. Whatever it is, it is very tight.
You detect random stabbing sensations all over your back and torso, like you are being pierced with knives. Your head is tilted forward, and you cannot see the rest of your body. But you fear that some portion of it may be unclothed. You slowly become aware of the temperature in the room, which is far warmer than tolerable. It is a dry, searing heat.
You sense the presence of someone very gifted in magic.
"Ah, the young prince has awoken at last," they say.
You deduce that you must be a great distance from the ground. You can feel the person moving around underneath you, and yet you cannot see them.
It becomes increasingly difficult to breathe. Every breath you draw into your lungs produces a sharp pain in your throat and chest.
"I require information that you possess," they demand. "You will give it to me, immediately."
Your initial efforts to speak are not successful. You cannot seem to take in enough air to produce words. Your shallow respirations are expressed in brief, audible gasps.
You continue to pant, and thrash against whatever is restraining you.
"I wouldn't do that," they inform you. "You'll tire yourself out. It would be an awful waste of energy."
You clench your fists, trying to break free. You are using every ounce of your strength. Yet, each movement only magnifies the pain.
"Relax," they command. "Try to concentrate."
You squirm when something touches the side of your face. Out of the corner of your eye you can make out what appear to be fingers. But you are relieved to discover that you can breathe more easily. Your discomfort subsides, just enough that you are able to think more clearly.
"Where is the Tesseract?" they ask.
"Hngh?"
"The Tesseract," they repeat. "Your father hid it. Did he not?"
Tesseract. You know what that is, don't you? Odin spoke of it…one of six stones that resulted from the creation of the universe. It was rumored that he deposited the stone on Midgard, long before you or Thor were even born. You dismissed such stories as folklore. It did not make sense why Odin would choose to hide something so powerful on a realm that lacked the magic to protect it. But you are reluctant to divulge anything until you know why the request is being made.
"Who suh...suh...seeks it?" you stutter, shamefully.
"Your host, of course...the savior of our universe, he who rescued you from your untimely demise, the almighty Thanos."
Your untimely demise. You recall it, suddenly, letting go of Odin's staff, falling from the bridge. And your father's expression of sheer disapproval was the last thing you saw, before descending into a sea of blackness. Your eyes tear up, ever so slightly, at the reminder.
"Made a dramatic exit, did we?" they pry. "What a pity."
You conclude that whoever is addressing you can read your mind, or at least sense your emotional state. In your weakened condition, you are unable to defend yourself against the intrusion. You panic when you realize that lying is not an option.
"It...it is most certainly in one of the nine realms," you offer, vaguely.
"Yes, I deduced as such already. I need to know which one."
"What does Thanos want with such power?"
"That is not your concern, little one."
The heat in the room intensifies even more. You gasp and writhe, helplessly. Your skin feels as though it is on fire and your throat begins to close up.
"Which realm?" they ask again.
You know not why Thanos would seek the Tesseract. Odin obviously hid it for a reason. Unlike his many other relics, he did not see fit to house it within the vault on Asgard. But Odin hid a lot of things, not the least of which was the truth. Perhaps he should suffer for his shortsightedness, for once. And if he learns that it was you who thwarted him, all the better.
"Ah," they say, with an air of satisfaction, "it is on Earth."
Before you can protest, they add, "thank you for your cooperation."
The stabbing sensation in your torso returns, and you tug frantically at your restraints.
"It was benevolence that motivated my master to intervene on your behalf," they warn. "But I caution you, he is not in the habit of lavishing mercy upon the undeserving. You are now most certainly in his debt. I shall leave you alone to contemplate how you might appropriately repay him for his kindness."
You hear them depart, shutting a large, metal door behind them. At first, you experience only rage. You buck and thrash against your restraints. The room is so hot, and you are already so very weak. You tire quickly and are out of breath. Whatever is stabbing at your flesh, it draws no blood. And it does not become dislodged by your movements.
You are not sure whether you can speak, and you are afraid to try. You think of Thor. You picture the anguish on his face, as you fell to what you assumed would be your death. Whatever he may hold against you, surely he would not want for you to suffer like this. You reach out for him with your magic, searching for some way to connect. Ultimately, you find nothing.
It hurts to breathe but you are determined to speak. You take in as much air as you can stand.
"Heim—"
You get but one syllable out before you begin coughing. Your mouth, which was previously dry, now feels strangely wet, and you fear that it is filling with blood.
You practice breathing, trying to control the rhythm of your inhalations. When you are ready, you take in a great gulp of air and try again.
"Heimdall," you choke. "Open the Bifrost."
You wait, hopefully. But nothing happens. You reach out once more...for your brother, for Frigga and even Odin. You cannot sense anything familiar, nothing connecting you to home. In the past, when you strayed from Asgard, you could still feel it there. Now, you feel nothing. It is gone, and your connection to it severed.
You cannot decide which is worse...that your family cannot hear you, or that they can hear you and are choosing not to respond. Either way, it is in your best interest, for the time being, to somehow ingratiate yourself on your host. Perhaps he can be reasoned with. And if not, perhaps he can be fooled.
Once again, the huge, metal door opens.
Two beings enter. The larger of them makes his way to the front of the room. He stands so tall that even with your head pulled back, you can still see his face. His skin is rough and purple. The sound of his boots scraping against the stone floor imply a being of tremendous weight. This must be Thanos. He is a Titan. As a child, you saw illustrations of them, and read about them in books. But this is the first one you have ever encountered.
He addresses you, chivalrously.
"You must forgive my friend," he remarks. "He is well practiced in the art of persuasion. He can get carried away at times. Like me, he is somewhat passionate about his work."
You know not what sort of response he is expecting. You cannot speak. You are still struggling to draw breath.
"Maw, lower the temperature in here," he orders. "And fetch our guest some proper clothes."
Within seconds, the searing heat subsides. It becomes easier to breathe.
"Master...while his mouth may be silent, his mind is not. He continues to cry out for his brother."
"Ah yes," Thanos notes, "the god of thunder."
"So, they say," Maw replies, unimpressed.
"It seems the young prince made quite the departure. But Asgard's loss is our gain. As we speak, they are rejoicing at his absence. I do not think they will be welcoming him home any time soon."
"Poor child," Maw coos, with mock concern. "All alone in the universe."
"Still...he is a fine specimen."
"I think you'll find Asgardians are very durable."
You cringe at the thought of your body being regarded so crudely.
Maw tsks with disapproval.
"He is willful, my lord."
Thanos reaches up and touches your cheek. You hold your breath and struggle to conceal your disgust.
"The best of us are," he says. "But I will tame that defiant spirit, in time. He may surprise us, yet."
April 25, 2018
No one knows better than you do, just how quickly everything can change. So, it comes as little surprise to you when one minute you are en route to Earth, and the next you are surrounded by death and destruction.
Thanos and his minions board your ship, effortlessly. They move through it like a storm, systematically exterminating everyone in their path. You know exactly why they are here. You know that you are to blame for all of this. And so, you welcome your own demise. You wait, patiently, for Thanos to come and claim the Tesseract, and to finish you off at last. Because that would be easy. To die would be relief. To die would mean not having to face your own mistakes.
But when has anything in your life ever been easy?
They descend upon Thor like a pack of hungry wolves. And there is nothing you can do to save him. You can only watch in horror as his body is tossed and battered and abused. It's a shock to witness. Because as certain as you were that they would eventually kill you, it simply never occurred to you that they might kill Thor as well. Or that it was even possible for them to do so. If they can kill Thor, then no one is safe. The universe is doomed.
You scan the space around you frantically. Every place you look there are dead Asgardians...men, women, children, even infants. In the far corner, you can see Heimdall's body. You know not whether he is still alive, only that he is not moving.
You hear a faint groan coming from the opposite direction and you turn towards it. The green monster is on his back, trapped underneath some of the ship's wreckage. You run towards him and lift the large piece of metal from off of his chest. You leap atop him. His torso is so immense that you cannot even straddle him properly. You brace yourself against the ground with your left foot and kneel against him with your right leg. Then you beat upon him with your fists.
"They're killing him!" you shout. "They're killing him!"
Finally, he opens his eyes. He shoves you aside and rushes towards Thor. You experience a wave of hope. It is short lived, however. Having acquired the Tesseract, Thanos is now in possession of not one, but two Infinity Stones. The monster is easily subdued. You watch, in horror, as Thanos resumes squeezing your brother's head. Thor's mouth is covered with some sort of metal contraption. Though he can make no sound, it is evident that he can endure no more.
And all you can think is that Thor is dying, and you can't stop it. You don't want to see it. You don't want to hear it. So, you close your eyes and you cover your ears, and you scream. You scream until you can't scream anymore.
You think, surely, it must be over now. Surely, Thor is no longer dying, but is already dead. And it's not as though he can become more dead. So, no matter what happens next, the worst part is over.
You open your eyes, not daring to gaze in Thor's direction. You don't see Thanos or his minions anywhere. Heimdall begins to stir. He sits up, partway, supporting himself on a shaky elbow. He raises his other hand towards you and the monster and shouts an unfamiliar incantation. It is dark magic, ancient magic.
You are surrounded by bright light, not unlike that of the Bifrost. Somehow, you know that you are traveling somewhere far away at a tremendous speed. Though you have no idea where he is sending you. For several seconds you are weightless and careening through the cosmos. But as you grow closer to your destination, gravity begins to take hold. At first, it feels as though you are falling. Then, you realize that the green monster is cradling you in his arms. When you land on solid ground, he begins to transform. And as he does so, he drops you at his feet.
You are unable to stand. Your legs will not support you. You scramble, fruitlessly, ultimately collapsing in a heap. You hear words leaving your mouth, the most terrible words ever spoken, words that surely cannot be yours. I want to go home. I want my brother. I want Mother and Father.
Bruce looks at you as though you have lost your mind. He actually tries to help you up. You pummel him with your fists. He doesn't fight back. He just lifts his hands up to protect his face. Between his fingers you can see his expression morphing from confusion to sympathy. He keeps telling you to stop. He tells you that you are hysterical, that you need to calm down. You hate him. You hate him for being too weak to prevent Thor's death. But mostly, you hate him for feeling sorry for you...and you want him to know it.
Suddenly, two men appear before you. One of them is that half-rate sorcerer you encountered not so long ago, Stephen Strange. He addresses you, first, demanding that you explain yourself. You are not listening. You only know that his tone is smug, and that he means to kill you. Under any other circumstances, he wouldn't stand a chance. It would be over before he even knew what happened. But now...you don't care. Let him and his colleague finish you off. Let all of this be over with, once and for all.
Bruce stands between you, his arms splayed wide. He and the other two men yell at one another for several minutes.
"You've got much bigger problems now," Bruce promises them. He tells them Thanos is collecting Infinity Stones. And since there is one here on Earth, he will be coming. They have to act fast.
The very notion is comical. As though there is anything they can do to stop the inevitable. It matters not what you do or how quickly you do it. Earth has little defense against a creature as powerful as Thanos.
That's when Strange informs Banner that there are, in fact, two Infinity Stones on Earth. Once of which he is currently wearing around his neck.
What audacity. What arrogance. It might as well be a noose.
In light of the ridiculousness of the situation, you do the only thing you can do. You laugh. And once you start, it is difficult to stop.
Strange and his colleague eye you, suspiciously.
"Give the guy a break," Bruce says. You know not what that means, only that he is talking about you.
You sit on the ground, holding your head in your hands. Though your laughter eventually subsides, you continue to hear that phrase, over and over again in your mind. Give the guy a break. Give the guy a break. What utter nonsense. Don't they realize you're already broken?