Chapter 22

Sieglinde VIII – Love Doesn't Win

The workshop is almost cleared of its mess. Within the next five days, all she has ever done is to clear the roundabout mess in her workshop, dusting bookshelves, sweeping tables and floors, wiping the windows. Her fingers are still clumsy from the dull throbbing pain, and she has learned to dress her own wounds than asking for August's help. She still hasn't forgotten what happened a week ago, when she plunged herself deeper into humiliation.

She will leave tomorrow, in the wee hours of the morning, and none of the Squad Leaders knows. Erwin keeps the secret so tightly that no breath of rumor floated around throughout the week. Not even Mike, despite his keen sense of scent, could smell a conspiracy in the air.

It would be sad to leave the Scouts. She is fond of the Squad Leaders. Some of the cadets already befriended her during their training sessions. No one would notice that they are one less an instructor come the morning sun.

Worse still, Levi has no idea. She wonders how the Captain will take the news, if he ever finds out before she leaves, that is. Would he be relieved? Most likely. Less whiny brat to babysit amongst the recruits. Less headache. Less distractions.

Just as well.

Sieglinde sighs as she finishes with the final touches. The extra metal wires and whetstones are tucked into an old wooden chest, to be shipped with her to Mitras. She runs her bandaged fingers over the anvil, still warm from use, and the forge, still smoking and dark with soot. She knows she cannot say goodbye to the Squad Leaders yet, but she can certainly say goodbye to someone else.

She wears her uniform today, her last day in the Scouts. Unless, of course, Erwin would be kind enough to let her return. She savors the feel of her brown jacket, proudly displaying the Wings of Freedom over her back. Soon, she would replace the symbol for humanity's freedom for a silver unicorn, whatever that symbolizes within the Military Police Brigade.

She stalks to the horse stables, empty but for a few horses in their stalls. Enzo is easy to find; he lifts his large head when he catches her scent, and automatically whickers and wags his tail. She smiles and runs her fingers through the silk flaxen mane, admiring the golden sheen of his coat. Enzo whickers again and rubs his muzzle against her cheek.

"I will miss you," she tells him, patting the muzzle. "It's a shame I can't take you with me."

Enzo wags his tail and sniffs at her clothes. She laughs. "I have no treats, boy. Sorry."

Hay crunches under someone else's boot. Sieglinde turns around, alarmed for an intruder, but it is only the Captain−her Captain−who arrives with that default bland stare and unamused expression.

He stops short from entering, surprised to see her. Well, it is a mutual surprise: she hasn't seen the Captain since that night in Erwin's room, so many nights ago.

Levi has taken charge of the combat training while Sieglinde is resting from her injuries, an excuse her brother has keenly spread around the castle grounds. Instructor Sieglinde is indisposed, Captain Levi will take over until she is feeling well. Now, she can see in his face that watching over the brats so early in the morning has taken a toll in his health: his face is leaner, eyes darker with deeper bags underneath them.

The silence stretches on. She might as well return to the workshop and−

"The brats are in the middle of their horseback training," Levi speaks first, much to her surprise. He shrugs and walks to the next stall, patting his black mare on the muzzle. "I'm on supervising duty. Wanna come babysit the brats and watch them fall on their asses?"

"Why not," she hears herself say, before her mind could register the situation.

Levi is already saddling his mare, so Sieglinde does the same, wincing as she has to wrap the leather belts around Enzo and latch them at their rightful places. The half-closed wounds are starting to sting. She stops halfway through saddling her horse, worried that her bandages might be soaked through.

The Captain pauses from his task and observes her hesitate. He sighs and takes the saddle from her, glancing at the white bandages. He puts the saddle on the stallion and fusses over with the straps and reins.

"Did someone ever tell you that you're high maintenance, like a baby?"

She shoots him a quick glare. "You're the first."

He snorts, testing if the belts would hold. They do. "Because you are."

"I never asked for you to care for me."

"No," he agrees and turns to look at her in the eyes. Those steel-blue eyes, always hard and devoid of emotions. Still, she finds them mesmerizing. "You don't care for yourself, so who will? Your brother's Commander now and is very busy. Mike? Very busy, too. Who else will take care of you?"

"Probably not you."

He looks like he is about to throw another insult, but decides against it. He tugs at Layla's reins and walks out of the stable with a quiet, "Come on, the brats are already starting".

Sieglinde, puzzled at his passiveness today, follows his lead and mounts her stallion.

The late afternoon sun shines down on the grasslands surrounding Castle Roslin. The skies are clear, and the birds are soaring overhead, throwing their shadows over the cadets. Sieglinde notes that almost everyone is here, occupied with their horses. Some are racing each other across the fields. The quieter ones are murmuring with their friends or attending to their horses. Dita Ness and his two assistants are overseeing the entire area.

Sieglinde rides close with Levi, but her attention is on the group of three girls riding towards them. She keeps Enzo's pace slow, a few steps behind the Captain. Not too close to irritate him, but not too far. Besides, she has to keep her distance as the three girls eagerly surround the Captain.

"Lovely afternoon, Captain!"

"Afternoon."

Well, this is surprising. If it had been her jumping onto Levi with such a raucous voice, he would have told her to shut up by now. Yet the girls are getting away with it, gushing over to Levi about their wonderful experience in the Survey Corps.

"You're very amazing when it comes to the 3DMG, Captain! How can you do it?" one of them asks.

"It's different between people," Levi answers blandly. "Best advice I can give you is to keep practicing."

"Can you teach us how to do your reverse grip?" another one asks.

"Everyone has their own fighting techniques," he answers. "You should focus on your capabilities."

"Is it true that it's easier to kill Titans using your technique?" the third one chimes in.

"For me, yes, it's easier. It saves gas and energy. Do as much damage with the least time as possible."

Sieglinde blinks, and Levi glances at her over his shoulder. To think that he is actually listening, taking her lessons to heart, is something quite surprising.

The girls keep asking him questions. Levi answers them all with surprising patience, but Sieglinde has no time to wait for the Captain. She clicks her heels and draws Enzo away from the group.

Their voices die down in the area. She sends her horse into a canter, then to a gallop, clutching her reins with more care than usual. It would be quite embarrassing if she falls in the presence of the cadets, especially on her last day in the Scouts.

She keeps Enzo running around in circles, until Levi catches up to them.

"Rude," he barks at her.

"What now?" She blinks, uncertain with him.

"Couldn't wait for three more minutes?"

"It was getting tiresome. I didn't need to hear your advice to them."

"If you're jealous, all you have to do is say so."

Her deep blue eyes narrow venomously at him. Is he serious? Mocking her about something like that, when the humiliation of her nightmare and Hange's aphrodisiac is still fresh? That's far too close to home, and quite personal. She knows he can be insufferable at times. This time, she would not rise to his mockery−and snorts instead, swerving her horse away.

She rides on, to nowhere. She could ride for Trost, fool around there for a few hours before sundown. Her home is not too far. Maybe she could visit her mother and release some pent-up frustrations to her? But then she hears Levi following behind her trail.

"You're so stuck up today. Wanna remove that stick up your ass or something?"

"You wanna remove it for me?" she backfires, glaring at him.

"Come here." He bares his teeth in a silent snarl. "Come here and I'll remove it for you."

"On second thoughts, no thanks."

"Tch." He rides forward until their horses are shoulder to shoulder. He raises an eyebrow. "Someone's grumpy," he says again, but with a milder tone this time. "Don't tell me Brother Longshanks bullied you?"

"He never bullies me," she says in Erwin's defense. Finally, she lets a smile cross her features. "It's just that I've been feeling not myself lately. My hands are useless." She loosens her grip on the reins, opening them, palm up, bandages on show. "Can't even put my harnesses properly."

"They should be healing already."

"Skin's closed at the top, but underneath, it still hurts."

"Good. That's what you get for being reckless."

"How charming, Captain." She rolls her eyes. "We've already established that."

"Grumpy," he barks and looks ahead of the fields. The wind breezes past them, stirring their hair and bringing in the earthy scent of autumn. He checks at her face and urges his horse forward. "Come on, let's get something to eat. I'm starving."

She rides after him. "Where to?"

"Trost?" he suggests, the walled city's inner gate looming behind them.

"Too far already," she complains and searches around. Her geography skills need reviewing. Castle Utgard should be around here somewhere. She presses her lips together. Not really looking forward to visit a haunted castle. If she tells Levi, he might be ecstatic to go. "How about that village?"

"Fine. They better have good food there." Levi rides off, Sieglinde always trailing behind.

The village is small but packed with so many people. A wooden signage stands at the gates−Ragako Village. The two Scouts dismount their horses and lead them by the reins as they enter the territory of ordinary people going on their ordinary lives.

Levi keeps his face cool, while beside him, Sieglinde is once again full of wonder, checking at the stalls and chatting with the vendors. Barefoot boys are running around them, checking their horses, peering at their faces. One goes as far as poking her on the side and asking for her name.

Farther into the village, the marketplace is busier. Sieglinde checks at a fruit stall, searching for strawberries, though they are but out of season by now. More vendors, children this time, are offering her oranges, apples, and mushrooms. She fishes out whatever money she has in her pocket and gives it to them.

When she turns back for the Captain, her arms filled with the fruits, she blinks at his scowl.

"Took you long enough," he grouches. "Are we here to eat or to entertain more brats?"

"Fine, fine, we are eating, Captain." She sighs and follows him out of the marketplace.

They find a small bar, occupied by no more than nine people. Horses tied outside, Sieglinde flops down on a table near a window while Levi asks for a washroom for his hands. She splays the fruits on the table as the Captain returns to her. The server gives them honeycakes with blueberries and nuts. There is a complimentary sun tea, a Ragako Village specialty, that has Levi humming in satisfaction.

He crosses his legs and leans back on the chair, one arm over the backrest.

"Nice hairpin," he observes, eyeing the ornament on her silver hair. "New?"

She smiles. "Yes, Erwin gave it to me. A birthday gift."

"Birthday," he mutters under his breath. Did he remember something? "You didn't tell me."

"It's nothing." She shakes her head. The silver hairpin glints under the sun. She cradles her drink in both hands, savoring the warmth seeping through her bandages. "It's just a birthday, nothing special." She squints at him, chuckling at his annoyed expression. "Besides, you never asked anyway. And I'm not one to share random personal information to incriminate me to the police."

"It's a birthdate. How can that incriminate you?"

"Who knows?" She rolls her shoulders a little. Levi narrows his gaze at the gesture. "I'm sure you wouldn't tell me your birthday, even if I asked. So, I guess the feeling's mutu−"

"December 25th."

"…What?"

"My birthday," the Captain drawls, putting his teacup down and allowing her to see the extent of his mocking smirk. "It's on December 25th. Now you know, so you can't say the feeling's mutual."

She sneers. She knows him well enough that he is doing this to prove her wrong. "I hate you sometimes."

He chuckles and finishes his tea. "I know," he says, then glares. "Don't tell the others though. I won't have people swarming on me on that day. Hange's probably gonna throw herself all over me again."

That tilt of her head, blinking. "Why not? December 25th is one of the best days of the year, if not the best! Everyone looks forward to celebrating that day, because it is the peak of the winter solstice! Children receive gifts, families celebrating everywhere, friends out for drinking and eating!"

The Captain's eyes lower. "Frankly, I've never celebrated it that way."

"Oh." She clamps her mouth shut. Me and my big mouth.

Whenever she sees Levi being all responsible as a Captain and soldier, it is easy to forget that he lived in the Underground City with less than what Sieglinde herself had as a child. She would not be surprised if he has never seen winter before, or celebrated the solstice the way people above the ground do.

"I'm sorry."

"It's fine."

"Maybe next time," she whispers. She tries pushing her luck with him. "Maybe on your next birthday, we can celebrate? All the gifts and the drinks and eating? What do you think?"

Levi's face softens. A ghost of a smile appears. "I would love that."

After their meal, they pay for the food and proceed outside. Two children are touching their horses by their tails. Layla and Enzo are whickering and wagging their tails at the attention. Levi glares at the two children, and is about to scold them, but Sieglinde, already seeing his irritation from miles away, cuts him off and approaches the children.

A boy and a girl, about ten years old. The boy has shaved hair and the girl has shoulder-length brown hair. Both share the same bright hazel eyes. A brother and sister. Sieglinde melts at the sight of them.

"What's this?" she asks softly.

"S-Sorry…" The boy hangs his head, looking guilty. "We just wanted to see the horses."

"Very big horses, miss," the little girl says.

"Did you want to ride them?" Sieglinde asks.

"Hey," comes Levi's warning tone from behind. "Don't encourage them. We have to return to base."

She ignores him and puts both hands on the children's heads. The boy starts up, surprised, yet the girl's eyes widen with such wonder that only an innocent child can have. Once upon a time, Sieglinde was the same. She found everything awe and wondrous, her brother mostly. How time flies so fast. She could swear she had only been ten years old when she last had Erwin all by herself. No military training and Survey Corps getting in the way between them.

She pats the boy's shaved head. "What's your name?"

"Connie!" he answers and takes his little sister's hand. "And this is Sunny!"

"Matching names." She laughs. "How old are you two?"

"Hey, hey," Levi warns her again, exasperated.

"I'm nine," Connie says brightly.

"I'm seven!" Sunny holds up her hand. "What's your name, lady?"

"My name is Sieglinde." She kneels on the ground, ignoring Levi's bark of protest. Meeting their bright eyes at the same level, she gets to admire the hazel hues.

When people say that eyes are the windows to the soul, she believes them. These children are too innocent to the world around them. Worse, they are innocent of the Titans. She hopes they'd never get to see one in their lives.

Connie spots the insignia on her back and beams. "The Wings of Freedom! Are you with the Scouts?"

She nods. "Yes. Captain Levi, too." She glances at the scowling Captain.

The little girl tugs at her sleeves. "What does that mean? Wings of Freedom?"

"It means that we go outside the Walls."

"But that's dangerous!" Sunny cries. "My mama says we shouldn't go past the Walls."

"She's right." Sieglinde soothes the child. "But us soldiers from the Scouts go outside so we could see what the outside world looks like. Did you know that there are more forests and rivers outside?"

Sunny shakes her head, entranced at the picture. Connie also listens.

"And there are more meadows with wildflowers out there, more birds and animals−"

"More horses?" Sunny prompts, wide-eyed.

"Yes." Sieglinde smiles wider. "Lots of them. Just running wild and free."

"I'd like to see…"

"No!" Connie bursts out. "It's dangerous! You know what I'll do? I'll join in the Training Corps and become Military Police!" He grins with all his young boyish charm. "I will be one of the MPs, and we and mama can live in the capital. I'll buy you lots of pretty dresses, Sunny!"

"That's right, princess," Levi interrupts, dropping a hand on Sieglinde's head. "Listen to your mother and big brother. The world outside is too dangerous for a brat like you."

"Levi!" Sieglinde scolds him for his harsh word.

"You would do better in the capital anyway," the Captain adds. "Titans will be everywhere outside the Walls."

The two children weigh his words. Sieglinde stands and shakes her head at him. Levi raises an eyebrow, before she sighs and offers the children a ride on her horse. As always, the Captain protests, but she is already mounting Sunny and Connie on Enzo. She smiles up at them and pats the horse's muzzle.

She guides her stallion to a slow walk. "Hold your sister, Connie."

The boy nods eagerly. "Yes!"

"Here. Let us soldiers take you home." She looks around the busy streets. "Where's home?"

"Four blocks from here," Connie says.

"Your mother is home, I hope?"

"Yes, and Martin," Sunny adds.

"Martin?" Sieglinde blinks.

"Our other brother! He's three!"

"Ah, another brother."

"Great," Levi snorts.

The walk is short as they reach a small house towards the center of the village. Sieglinde helps the two children down her stallion. An older woman, dressed in a simple brown kirtle with an apron, dashes outside to meet with her two children. Connie and Sunny both jump onto her skirts, reminding Sieglinde how she used to jump to her mother back then.

The children's mother smiles and bows to them. "Thank you for bringing these two back home," she says, wiping her hands on the apron. She notices their uniforms. "Would you like to come inside for some tea?"

"No, thank you." Levi holds up his hand. "We should we going back to base."

"Captain's right." Sieglinde beams at the mother and bows as well. "We should be on our way."

"Will you come back, miss?" Sunny asks, now teary-eyed.

Sieglinde spares Levi a teasing sidelong glance. "Only if the Captain comes back with me."

The little girl blinks bright hazel eyes at him. "Please, Captain?"

"Maybe." Levi averts his gaze.

"When you come back, I'll be a Military Police!" Connie promises, doing the salute.

Sieglinde doesn't have the heart to tell him that his salute is wrong, but Levi certainly does. The Captain steps forward and adjusts the fist over Connie's chest, so that it rests on his left chest, where the heart should be. Then he steps back, assesses the boy's salute, and nods in approval. Connie beams at him as Levi turns his heels and rolls his eyes at Sieglinde's reaction.

He tugs at Layla's reins. "Come on, Signe," he mutters. "Let's head back."

She stops her staring and waves goodbye to the lovely family.

"Come back soon!" Sunny calls out, hands cupped over her mouth. "Lady! Captain!"

"Lady Captain?" Levi grumbles.

"I think she meant two separate words," Sieglinde teases. "Lady and Captain."

"Whatever. I'm not discussing any more semantics with you. Let's save that discussion for later." He jumps onto his horse and glares down. "Right now, let's head back before your brother finds out we're gone."

It is nearly sundown when they ride back eastward, towards Castle Roslin. The last lights of the day spills down on them in red-and-orange and across the beige fields. The skies open up−clear of clouds and birds. A stretch of crimson above their heads and another stretch beneath their horses' hooves. The horizon seems so faraway, receding as they climb rolling hills, opening the landscape for them to admire. The air is cold yet so fresh, fragrant even. She doubts Mitras has such clean air.

She frowns then. In a few hours, she would be leaving before the break of dawn. She would lock her workshop and leave Roslin for white stone buildings and roads. She would give up on riding horses in place for fancy carriages. Instead of soldiers, she would be around civilians in their suits and ties, the highborn ladies in their dresses and jewelries. She touches the hairpin, the only piece of jewelry she owns.

And Levi. She would give up on him in favor for Military Police officers, for more recruits. Her hands around the reins tighten. She glances at him through her lashes. He looks serene as he admires the surroundings, the sunset softening his features all the more.

He still doesn't know.

In a few hours, he will know soon enough.

Sieglinde has no time to waste. If she leaves the Survey Corps with an uncertain date of return, she might as well get everything off her chest. All her frustrations for the past week. Doubting herself. Walking around like a little mouse, afraid of her own shadows to catch up. Well, if she leaves the Scouts, she might as well leave with no regrets.

"Levi." Her heart is in her throat, hitching her breath. "There's something I need to tell you."

The Captain looks at her, waiting. Perhaps he heard the seriousness in her voice. Perhaps he noticed the reluctance in her face. Either way, he waits and listens, his attention solely on her.

"About… what happened last week…"

"You're still on about that one thing?" He snorts.

"No! You listen to me!" She rages at him, and he falls silent. It is hard enough to gather courage. She would not have him ridiculing her for this. She swallows again, hands shaking around the reins. "I know I already apologized, and we already established that it's nothing too great a deal. But… But for me, deep inside, it still is. It's too much and too personal for me to simply pretend it never happened.

That nightmare I had… It reminded me so much how scared I was for losing anyone. It still haunts me at nights. To be responsible for the death of that one person who I really care for. And how I coped with that fear−" She raises her eyes to his, observing his suspicious yet stunned expression−"I did that out of fear, and out of care for you."

"What are you trying to say?" Levi asks very quietly.

"Ah, well, what I'm trying to say is−" Her voice breaks. Her tears are welling up in the corners of her eyes. She gazes up ahead to distract herself with the reddening horizon. "I like you," she whispers to the wind, half-hoping that he doesn't hear.

"What?" He sounds confused. "What did you say?"

"I like you in the way I've never liked anyone before," she confesses, stubbornly looking at the horizon. She notices a thin river on her left, shimmering under the sunset. "I admire you in the way I have never admired anyone, not even Erwin and Mike. I really can't explain−I wish Hange could help me how to explain these feelings."

The Captain falls silent. Sieglinde laughs it off, flashing a forced cheerful smile.

"I know, I know! It sounds very stupid and childish, don't you think? We're soldiers! We don't have time for things like these! And I know you don't feel the same way about me. I suppose that comes with life. Not everything in life is fair, right?" She shrugs her shoulders. "Besides, I already told Hange that I know what kind of soldier you are."

Levi straightens himself on the saddle, confused. "My kind of soldier?"

She nods, looking elsewhere. A pair of foxes is racing each other across the field.

"Yes," she all but whispers. "You're afraid to get too close, aren't you? Not just to me, but with everyone else. You see us distractions, perhaps? You wouldn't want to get too close in fear of losing anyone else." The names Furlan and Isabel are on the tip of her tongue, begging to be unleashed. She grinds her teeth. "Then again, I don't blame you. There are soldiers who think the same way. Love can be a weakness."

"You think so?" he murmurs.

"Many people would say so. Erwin thinks otherwise though. He thinks love can actually make people stronger. Having someone to protect−a friend, a brother, or a lover−can make any soldier stronger. It's the motivation, I think, and the devotion. More than just wanting to exterminate Titans. A more personal will to fight and come home after every expedition."

"Why are you telling me all these?"

"Hange says the more I hide it, the more I will fall. You can say this is a preventive measure−"

"Why are you really telling me, Signe?"

For a moment there, the question catches her by surprise.

"I just want to get this off my chest." Sieglinde blinks back tears. Castle Roslin starts looming in the horizon. "Like I said before, I like you, but that doesn't necessarily mean you have to feel the same way. Just so I could get it off and stop tiptoeing around you. We're still friends, right? After everything?"

Levi lowers his head. He doesn't answer.

Her shoulders slump. The bravery dies in her soul. Her heart feels heavier now, dropping from her throat to her chest.

"But I'm sure this will pass," she adds, and the Captain widens his eyes at her. "It's probably just like a fleeting feeling. A shallow infatuation. A passing fancy. Something to forget after a while."

"I'm just a passing fancy?" he catches on to the word, his voice very faint.

Sieglinde doesn't answer, finishing the conversation. The castle gates are upon them now. She clicks at Enzo's sides and sends him galloping across the distance, never sparing another glance at the Captain. Her tears are hot and wet against her cheeks. She is only grateful now that no one is around while she guides Enzo to the stables, and locks herself back in her workshop.

Her coat is missing.

Damn it. She knows she put it here somewhere, inside one of the chests, under her clothes, maybe. Tch. It will be a cold morning and a colder ride further up north. Since when did she start messing up her things in the shop? She only has a handful of personal items aside from her weapons, so losing her coat seems quite unlike her. She stops rummaging around and pauses, drained of her energy.

All of a sudden, she has no will to find it. Coat be damned. She can travel up to Wall Sheena shivering in her normal uniform.

She inspects her things. Everything is packed and ready to go. Only a few hours. If she has a clock, she would be sitting in front of it and watch as the time ticks by. That way she could forget what happened that sunset, she could forget all the nonsensical things she said and pretend it is all just a dream. It should have been a dream, and maybe it is, then Levi would have responded in kind with her words, and everything would be okay.

But that is only a child's dream.

She is so pathetic, holding onto this foolish little girl's dream, that she hates herself for it.

She sits in front of the forge, blazing with a small fire. She still could not stand the darkness, the shadows where her enemies could be lurking. It makes her skin crawl and her brain think of many possibilities. Of all the many creative ways to die, doing it in complete darkness sounds like the worst. She keeps her gaze on the flame, on the blinking embers and the cinders floating in the wind, almost like fireflies.

A few more hours until she leaves her misery locked up in this workshop.

The others should be having dinner by now. She has no appetite for a full course meal. She has no energy to walk across the quadrangle to get to the mess hall. No more energy to fake a smile for Mike and Hange. All her energy and bravery had gone to Levi that dusk. She has nothing else left in her.

A shadow moves outside the window. She stands and peeks outside, eyes widening at the realization. Before she knows it, the Captain throws the door open, banging it so strong that the wood splinters as it crashes on the wall.

"I just fixed that door," she deadpans.

Levi's face says anger, but his eyes shout murder. He stomps towards her, fists curled.

Sieglinde suddenly feels the need to defend herself from his onslaught. She assumes her defensive stance, and despite the bandaged hands, lifts them both up to defend her face. She doubts she can take him through strength alone, thus style would be her key here.

The Captain ignores her defense, taking her by the wrists, and slams her against the wall.

He pins her wrists on either sides of her head and leans close, so dangerously close, that she could feel his warm breath fanning over her cheek, the anger radiating from him.

"You're fucking leaving?" Levi snarls at her face, panting and growling.

"Who told you?" She tries to be calm about this, but his grip on hers is powerful, bruising even.

"Erwin. Now don't play the innocent with me!" The grip tightens, and she winces. "When did this happen?"

"L-Last week…" Struggling against his strength is pointless. His fingers dig into her skin, his blunt nails biting and leaving red marks. She pants against him. "Levi… Y-You're hurting…"

"Why didn't you tell me? Why did Erwin wait so long to tell me?" He grinds his teeth, his eyes flickering with more than just extreme anger. He pounds her wrist against the wall to force an answer from her. "Answer me!" he shouts in her face. "All this time, you knew and you never told me?"

"You know now," she hisses through gritted teeth. "Yesterday, now, later−what difference does it make? I would still leave anyway, whether you knew it a week ago or now. There's nothing you could have done."

His grip tightens more. One more outburst, and she fears her bones might shatter.

"I could have asked Erwin to change his mind. Offer him an alternative. Compromise. Fuck, I'll even blackmail him if I have to!"

She shakes her head. "It cannot be undone. I'm leaving. It's been decided between Scouts and Police."

He leans closer so that their noses are brushing. "And this afternoon? What was that all about? You and your fucking confession. Was that meant for goodbye?" His voice breaks, and for one second, the anger mellows out. "Will I never see you again?"

"I don't know," she whispers. "Really, Levi, I don't know. My wrists… You're really h-hurting…"

"You don't know? Or you don't want to tell me? Which is it, Signe?"

She opens her mouth to answer, but he cuts her off again.

"Did you mean all those things you said?" he asks, calmer, but his grip never loosens.

She nods, unable to catch up with his sudden, unexpected rage. She saw him furious once, only once, and this is very surprising for her. She feels so small and vulnerable in this position, faced with his temper and rage and something else that he is holding back in his tongue.

What else does he want? What else is there that he wants to tell her, but too reluctant to say aloud?

Levi presses her against the wall, the length of his body pressing his weight on her. "If you meant everything, then it is true," he murmurs, his breath on her cheek. "I'm only a passing fancy of yours. Not even worthy of a proper attention? A filthy little thing, to be cast aside when you're done with me."

The realization of her words dawn to her too late. Her words offended him, and he is hurt now.

"No," she whispers, aghast. "No, Levi, I'm sorry, I−"

"Tell me−am I such a trash that I'm not worthy of anything else?"

"No." Hot tears are brimming in her eyes again. She feels useless, unable to put anything else into words. She blinks the tears away and closes her eyes. "That was a slip of tongue, nothing more. Please. I'm sorry. Just… Just let me go, Levi… I'm tired." Her knees wobble beneath her. "I'm so tired feeling this way. Just let me go. Forget I ever happened. I will be leaving. For see? I will be leaving soon. Just wait a few more hours… No more headaches for the Captain. No more to clean up after… I just… I just…"

"Why do you contradict yourself? One moment you tell me everything you said is true. The next you want to get away from here." His lips curl into another snarl. "If your confession is true, wouldn't that make you want to stay with us?"

"It's not about what I want anymore. It's what about Erwin wants."

"Erwin? Always Erwin? Not yourself?"

"Not anymore."

He inclines his head, whispering in her ear. "Your devotion to your brother will be your undoing."

She has in mind to rip off his ear for this disrespect. "Let me go," she hisses again, mustering whatever ferocity she has left in her. "I already told you what I want to tell. I'm done. I'm leaving."

"Aren't you going to ask me what I want?"

She stops and considers his tone. He is suddenly so quiet, without the rage. This is not him. The last time he had been quiet and melancholy like this was the day they lost Furlan and Isabel. She blinks back more tears. It is frustrating how this bastard can provoke so many emotions in her when she cannot even make him smile in the slightest bit. And damn it. She should not be crying. What happened to her no crying rule because 'boys like it when girls cry'?

She feels him slump against her. "No, I won't have to ask," she says. "I know what your answer will be−"

Levi suddenly takes her left wrist and pulls it above their heads. His right hand grabs her chin and holds her in place as he crashes his lips against hers.

Not the sweet kiss of lovers. Not the passionate kiss that the romantic girl in her dreams.

It is a harsh, savage kiss. All teeth and biting, so feral that she could feel her lips bruising. His mouth invades her own, so hurriedly, as if time is running out for them. The hand on her chin wounds to the back to her head, weaving through her locks, keeping her in place for more of his kisses, filled with all his anger and frustration.

She whimpers, taken aback and exhausted. She couldn't keep up with his anger. Her lips and wrist hurt from him. Whenever she tries to break for air, Levi's lips would follow hers, biting at her bottom lip and dipping his tongue into her mouth. She shuts her eyes tightly, responding with her soft, timid kisses. Faced with his roughness, the romantic little girl in her wants to savor the moment, no matter how much it hurts.

Finally, after what seems like forever, Levi lowers their hands and removes his hand from her hair. He pushes at her shoulder and slams her back on the wall. He is panting, lips glistening and a bit swollen.

"I like you," he pants, daring to look at her in the eyes. "I fucking like you, you brat."

"Levi…" She couldn't believe this. Why now? Why does he have to make everything so difficult for her?

"But I can't," he continues. He gives up on glaring and drops his head on her right shoulder. Like her, he seems tired about their complicated situation. A whirlwind of emotions none of them can put into words. Even if they try sorting it out through actions, it still comes out as a complete mess.

He buries his face in the crook of her neck. "I can't… and I shouldn't. I'm your Captain…"

She nods, the impending tears rushing back again. "Yes, I understand."

He shakes his head. "I want to protect you," he murmurs, his breath warm against her throat. "I want to take care of you, Signe. But this, what you want with me, I cannot give it to you. And you're right−I'm afraid of the risks. I can promise to protect you during expeditions. I would do anything to keep you safe but−" He wraps his arms around her waist and pulls her flush against him. "In the event that I die, I don't want to leave you hurting."

Her heart sinks lower. She pushes him off her and searches for his eyes. In the dimness of her workshop, his eyes seem brighter and softer, without their usual sullen glares.

"So, it's a no?" she asks the most important question.

"I'm sorry," Levi whispers. "I can't be that man for you."

Sieglinde will handle this the way she knows best.

Sarcasm.

"Of course." She laughs a little, wiping at her eyes. "I saw this coming, but wow, it still hurts."

"I'm so sorry, Signe," he says again. He swallows hard and tries to comfort, but nothing comes to mind.

"It's all right. I don't hold it against you. I won't hate you for it." She turns her back to him and pretends fussing over the items she already finished preparing hours earlier. Her damned coat is still missing. "If you don't mind, I still have to clean up the workshop. Erwin will scold me if I haven't finished cleaning."

Levi looks around the room. "Do you need help?"

"No, it's fine. I'm sure you're tired from all the babysitting and meetings. It's quite late, too."

"Okay." Sensible enough to know she needs her space, he nods and murmurs another helpless "Okay", before turning around and closing the door he nearly broke in his rage and haste.

When the Captain is gone and the flames in her forge dies down, Sieglinde collapses on her knees and lets out a tiny heartbroken cry.

At three in the morning, it is time to go.

Erwin deemed it a good enough time for departure: without the cadets gossiping and craning their necks to see their young instructor shipped off to Wall Sheena. The morning dawns awfully cold, the skies still a shade of dark blue over their heads, few stars blinking. Castle Roslin is asleep along with the majority of her soldiers, except for four in particular.

The Commander leads the group towards the castle's northern gate. It opens to a wide river, making it difficult for large groups to use. Still, it is perfect for a single carriage stealing into the night. Behind him, Hange and Mike follow, flanking Sieglinde in between them. It is so cold that their breaths are turning into white smokes before their faces.

A coachman and a footman are waiting outside the gates. Erwin and Mike drop the suitcases, which the footman loads onto the carriage's back. The coachman opens the door for their guest.

Sieglinde steps forward, hesitates, then turns back for the mandatory goodbyes.

"Remember what I told you," Erwin says first, cupping her face in his big hands. He is unusually soft this morning. "I have everything prepared for your arrival. Your responsibility now, as a soldier and as an instructor, is to fulfill the duties assigned to you with loyalty. I know you can do it."

"Thanks, Erwin," she says, putting her hand above his.

"Where's your coat?" he asks, blinking. "It's cold out here." Before she could answer, he slips off his green leather trench coat and drapes it over her smaller form. "Take care of yourself up there, Signe. You're a grownup now. No need for me to keep telling you what you should and shouldn't do."

"Yes, Erwin."

Her brother notices the blandness in her tone, the emptiness in her blue eyes. He sighs and embraces her. Fighting back tears, she leans against his more powerful build and savors his warmth. His lips press on her hair, then again on her forehead. She looks up; his face is kind and loving. She gives him one last embrace before turning for the two Squad Leaders.

Hange is holding back her tears, and pounces on the younger woman. "I will miss you, Sieg!" she cries, rubbing their cheeks together. She embraces her tightly. "Write letters for us, okay? Come back whenever! Don't leave me with all these boring, grumpy men without imaginations for too long!"

Behind the researcher, Mike snorts.

"I will only be at the capital," Sieglinde says, running her hand up and down Hange's back. "You can come visit me whenever you want. I doubt I can visit here, but you guys can come to me anytime. And I will write letters for everyone. Each and every one of you, down to the stable boys."

"Promise?" Hange pulls away, sniffling.

"Cross my heart and hope to die."

"Okay!" She steps back, allowing the other Squad Leader to step in.

Mike places a hand on her head and ruffles her hair. He grins down on her. "Keep in mind everything your brother told you. It's for the best. If you join the MPs, expect them to be worse than us Scouts." He grins wider, brown eyes twinkling with mischief. "Just don't break anyone's finger."

Sieglinde chuckles. "Not one, Mike? That's hard. Not everyone needs ten fingers."

He snickers, smoothing down the hair he ruffled, and leans down for a forehead kiss, brother-like. "Take care, whirlwind. I will see you when I see you."

Erwin offers a hand to her. "It's time to go."

"Wait!" Hange blinks and searches around their little group. "Where's Levi?"

Sieglinde stops in her tracks, horrified. She doesn't want to answer that question. She doesn't want to see him in this final moment. She could close her eyes and pretend this is not happening.

As always, Mike comes to her rescue, oblivious of her dilemma however, and answers that perhaps the Captain overslept. That he has mountains of paperwork and he is too tired for this. She hopes that is the case.

The Commander clears his throat. "We cannot wait for him to show up."

Thank you, Erwin.

Sieglinde nods to everyone as she takes her brother's hand and climbs into the carriage. It is small yet cozy inside. A bit dark, but there's a small oil lamp burning in the corner. The seats are cushioned and the entire space is warm. She could catch up on some sleep here before proceeding to Nile Dok first thing in the morning. To be honest, the only thing keeping her excited in this whole charade is meeting Nile again.

She glances outside the window, committing their faces to her memories.

Erwin. Hange. Mike. All smiling and waving their hands. Throwing promises of writing letters and looking forward to her return. More promises to take humanity another step forward on the next expedition. She smiles through it all, waving her hand back.

Then, she feels eyes on her. Instinctively, she turns to the gates. Even with the shadows around them, she could see the faint figure standing by the gates, hands in his coat pockets. The raven hair stirs with the wind. Those blue-grey eyes are gentle and longing.

Sieglinde holds his gaze for one second before retreating into the compartment, drawing the velvet curtains against him. She is tired; she has not slept yet; and she has everything to do in the capital.

Mourning over something−or someone−she lost is too much for her poor heart to handle.

He said so himself. A clear, resounding "No".

She will really break her own heart if she keeps holding on to him.

Her heart needs to rest. A long, well-deserved rest.

Hopefully, Mitras can offer that.

She sinks into her seat and buries herself in Erwin's coat.

Author's Notes: Surprise, surprise! I'm back so soon, huh? LOL. I wanted to make one final update before New Year and before I go to my short trip to New York for the week. Now that the year is almost ending, I would want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has been with me from the start through now, who has been patiently waiting for updates and who has been kindly leaving reviews each chapters. There are too many to mention, but I want you to know that I'm grateful for you and I find motivation in writing and updating because of my passion for writing and for everyone's support!

So, here's to the final update in the awesome year of 2019−and cheers to the new year of 2020! More opportunities to come to everyone of us! May we find peace in our minds and hearts and may we keep doing what we love and enjoy! ❤️

Do I feel bad that the last chapter of the year is a chapter of Signe's heart breaking and SieVi growing apart? ... Actually, a little bit. Erwin's plans have come to fruition. He succeeded in many things, but most of all, he succeeded in breaking two hearts. Way to go, Commander! Not only Erwin, but Levi has a part in breaking Signe's heart... and maybe even spirit. We'll start the new year with Levi's POV, so I'm personally looking forward for the update!

Once again, thank you all SO MUCH for all the endless love and support! I hope everyone has a happy New Year! I'll see you all next update! 😇