He is no one's. Especially not mine
DPOV
I am such a fucking idiot. Why did I do things worse instead of mending them?
I try to be as calm as possible. I promise myself I won't snap again, whatever she'll say. All I know is that I want to make things right. To understand her, for once.
"Rose… I…"
But she won't even look at me. She is staring down at her feet, her back turned to me, breathing heavily, probably still mad at me. And who would blame her? Why did I let my ego drive me? I acted like a jackass.
"I am sorry, Rose. But I…" but I don't get a single thing that happened for the last minutes. "What happened? Did I do something? Did I wrong you in any way? Tell me. Tell me what is happening."
I am one second away from begging her to tell me. I have a feeling there is more to this. More than her believing the worst of me. She didn't even seem to believe everything she told me earlier.
RPOV
He didn't do much than the usual. But I felt the world spinning faster. That's what happened. So fast. And all because of him. Because I feel things for him I shouldn't. Things that I don't know if he'd appreciate.
And I can't afford to give him so much power over me. It will end badly. It always does when it comes to someone like me and someone like him. And with him it won't be different.
Cupid screwed up the first time. What if this time it's no different? I can't fall for him. I am not falling for him. I promise I am not allowing myself to. This is what is happening.
"Let me go."
"I am not keeping you here in any way."
Right. He is not even touching me. But his presence is enough to keep me pinned in place.
"But… tell me what got you like this. And look at me, please."
But I don't dare move. I don't even pull the door again, knowing that he'll stop me. I have no way out.
"Roza…"
I shake my head no and keep on looking down. I can't look him in the eyes. I feel like an idiot. Because you are one. The biggest of them all.
But he does what I feared most. He puts his palm on my shoulder and turns me to face him.
"Gosh, how I hate you now."
He is driving me mad in so many ways, doing it like no one else before, confusing the hell out of me, but I am sure that I don't hate him in any way. I say this only because I am afraid of the other feelings he awakens inside me.
With his fingers under my chin, he lifts my head and when our eyes meet, he smiles so lightly. He's not mad?
"I know. Good, then. Hate me. Feel whatever you want to feel about me. But tell me what the hell is going on."
"Let me go."
I keep on telling him that, but as he said, he is not keeping me there, doesn't even try to. I am free to leave whenever I want. But I can't move my feet.
And all I can think of is that I will start crying soon and I don't want him to see. I don't want him to try to comfort me. Because if he does that again, I will give in again and forget about what I promised myself a moment ago, I know it.
"Tell me, Roza."
"I don't know, okay? I am so confused and I don't know and..." and I can't keep it together anymore. I start crying silently. "But all I know is that I don't need you in my life to mess everything even more. I know that I don't want to get involved with you. I don't… I don't want you."
"Then why did you kiss me?" He demands for the thousandth time tonight. "Why what you did doesn't match what you're telling me now?"
Because I know you'll hurt me when I wake up from the dream your lips promised me. Because I am scared. Because I am ashamed. And so many other feelings like these. I don't even know what reason to pick.
"Because I… I don't know… I just..." Lie! You just said the biggest untruth ever, what would another lie do? "B… because… I… I wanted to get back at him."
"Get back at him who?"
"At who? Um… Yeah. Get back at him. At Alex."
DPOV
"What?"
She shrugs, trying to seem less anxious than she is.
"I... wanted to take revenge on him," she tries to sound serene in her words, but that doesn't work at all.
And hearing her words, I can't help but laugh. She is shamelessly lying me to my face. All the signs are there and she sucks at hiding them.
Don't I deserve at least an honest answer? Why is she acting this way? What isn't she telling me? Why does she think that lying would make it better?
"Why are you- So I was just… no. No. Why are you lying to me?"
Her eyes widen slightly in surprise and she tries her best to cover it by acting offended. So I was right.
"I am not lying to you."
She says this but she doesn't even have the courage to look me in the eyes.
"Aren't you?"
"Why do you think I am? Is it that hard to believe that I wanted to use you to get back at my ex? You, his little nemesis?"
"Yes, it is."
It is unbelievable to me. Because she wouldn't do such a thing. Not Rose. She is not that kind of woman. She is better than that.
"Well, I am sorry to inform you, but this is all that happened earlier." she finally starts showing some confidence, even if it's faked. "But along the way, I realized he is not worth the trouble of me getting involved with you."
She gets away from between me and the door and walks away, thinking that I maybe haven't turned around to watch her and that I don't see the way her arms shake. But I do.
"I just… wanted to use you. I am sorry for it, it was wrong from me… but I… was only thinking of revenge and I didn't think of the consequences."
"Revenge? That's all?"
"What else could there be?"
Of course, what else could there be? I was the only one who thought that there was more between us. Bullshit! She is full of it.
"I told you I um… don't want you." she finishes whispering.
Fine. You know what? I am done trying to understand her. If she doesn't want to tell me why, I don't know what else to do about it. I tried everything I could. Nothing worked. And she will only keep on with her lie.
RPOV
"And anyway, what would have been the point of us…"
Shrugging and not finishing that thought, I look back at him as he's pinning me with his stare, and I know so well he didn't like what he heard. I don't even know if he believed it. I would hardly believe it if I'd hear myself. But I still pray that he won't ask for any other explanations because I might faint if I'll have to lie some more to him. I am out of ideas.
"You know what, Rose? Fine. Whatever. I don't care anymore. Do whatever the fuck you want, with whatever fucking reasons you have, but keep me out of your craziness."
Before he turns his gaze away from me I see his expression full of disappointment. Maybe. I can't tell for sure. But it sure makes things a thousand times worse.
"I am done. With you, with everything."
And next, he almost pulls the door out of its hinges when he opens it and goes inside the bathroom, leaving me to finally let my knees give in and sit on the edge of the bed.
I am a horrible person, aren't I? I am. I know for sure. All the things I said and done… and just because I am so afraid of my heart…
But what else could I have done? I don't even know him. I know nothing about him. How can I feel so many things for a stranger?
It is not right.
Right?
DPOV
From the second I close the door behind me, all I can think of is that I need a hell of a cold shower to wash everything away. All the anger, all the feelings she managed to bring to the surface. I need to get back in control of myself. How is she able to make me lose it so badly? No woman made me like this, I swear. Never before.
As I strip down and let the first drops of water pour over me, still being in the haze of what happened, I promise myself one thing. And I am going to stick to it, no matter what.
I promise myself that it won't happen. Not again, anyway. I won't let myself driven by anything that has to do with her. I just need to not think of her. How hard could it be?
But why is it so hard for me to figure her out? I think I'll die before being able to understand her. She is so, so… I don't know. But she is quite a something that I don't have a proper word to describe.
Am I getting out of hand at reading people? I don't think so. I could see she was lying to me. But I don't find a reason why. I didn't manage to make her tell me why she changed her mind. Not that she won't be entitled to. But I wish I knew why. I know it didn't happen from the reason she came up with. Maybe I could have done something about it. Maybe I can-
No. You won't do anything. Get her out of your head!
Yes. Sure. I just need to not think of her kisses, of her touches… stop, stop, stop! Of how good and right she felt in my arms, of how good it felt to taste her, of the way she wanted me too. Because whatever she says, I know it. Call me full of myself. But I know I am not leaving her indifferent, at least not fully. Just like she is not leaving me indifferent. I don't know what she is doing to me, but I like it too much to give up on it, on this little pleasurable torture.
Oh, who am I kidding? It is a hell of a lot harder than I think not to want her, and now I am not around her. I still want her and I will still do when I will get out of here and maybe tomorrow too. I can't not want her. There's something about her I can't resist. Something that I can't understand. Something that attracts me to her like nothing else ever did to any woman I have been with.
Maybe because she is not like any of them. She didn't fall to my feet. She says she doesn't care about any of my charms. She says she doesn't want me. She says she doesn't need me in her life. And most of the time, she actually means all that. She is such a pain in the ass that I started loving bickering and make peace with her just to go back to bickering again. But most of all, she is so against it that it only makes me want to try harder. Not to only have her, as she said earlier. But more. So much more.
And I am not crazy for thinking like this? For wanting this? After all, she is kinda right. I am not what she needs now. I am nothing close to that. And I know it so damn well. It's not like it didn't happen before to me.
But the longer I sit in here, cold water running all over me, nothing gets better. No matter what I promise myself, no matter how hard I think about how bad I am for her, I can't resist the impulse of getting out of here and go back to her. Because I still know there's something wrong between us. And I hate it.
And I can't help but wonder, what in the name of God I have done wrong!? Yes, we were fighting because I have been an ass and after that I have been even worse because I just wanted to throw myself out the window because nothing made sense, nothing she did, nothing she said. But in between that, when she kissed me… there was nothing else I could think of but her. Of how right she felt.
And the way she looked at me just before kissing me again made me completely lose it, dragging me back and bringing to me so many memories, things I have kept out of my head for a long time. But just with that seconds-long glance of her big warm eyes she would be capable to end me and she's not even aware of it. She shouldn't have that effect on me, I know it. And I have promised myself that no one else ever will have. But still, she was right there, to prove me wrong.
But before setting things right, I need to make a call. Yeah, I finally know how to untangle this mess and he's the only one who could help me now.
RPOV
Trying to stop the hollow forming inside my chest, I decide to go out into the little balcony. I need fresh air. Maybe it will make things better. I pray it does. Something, no matter how little, has to.
I grab a couple of pillows from the bed and head outside. It's kinda freezing and I am still quite undressed, but I don't care. I put the pillows down and take a seat, my back leaned against the wall, my legs stretched in front of me. And I remain like that, welcome the cold air on my skin, thinking in my mind that it is washing him off me somehow, that like this I will be able to wash away his smell off my skin, out of my pores.
And maybe if I freeze to death it will be enough of a punishment for the things I have done. I am crazy, right? Like nature could set things right.
I should be the one doing that.
But how? What do I do now?
How am I supposed to make things right? I know I am the one who started this and the way I reacted wasn't the best one and he doesn't even know why. But how do I tell him why? How can I tell him that he arises in me so many feelings that make me act like this? That scare me to death? That make me be so much like me but so unlike me at the same time? I feel anxious, afraid, but still, I get daring and playful? What is he doing to me?
I guess I am only trying to make myself liked by him. I try so bad to act so unlike me, to be someone he is used to be with, but after all, deep down, I am who I am and I panic and I go back to being myself and screw things up worse than before.
For this, I am a complete idiot and all I managed to do is to wrong him so bad.
But even though, it's his fault too. Just a little, little bit, but still. He makes me do so many things I have never even dreamed of. Because with him it always feels like I am on the edge of something big going to happen and I always feel the need to react. And each time that happens, it always feels like I am changing something deep inside me when I interact with him. Like he's… shaping me. I swear it makes sense in my head.
And with him around, you never know what comes next. I am never prepared for it. But he? He is always ready for something, no matter what. He is so primal and always acts on instinct. He only lives for today. For him nothing else matters but the thing he is focusing on at that moment. And oh, when he was focusing on you, damn, right? No! Shut up! For me, everything else mattered. I needed to know things a hell of a time earlier and have my time to overthink everything. I always worked like that.
But ever since I am with him? It's all or nothing when I am with him. He never does half of measures. He accepts nothing in between. On a usual, I would have accepted some half measures. But I swear I only want everything when I am with him. I want it all. All of him and from him. And I don't even know what that means! But I know that I can't have it. I can't have him.
He is no one's.
Especially not mine.
He won't be mine.
And I remain with that thought in my head for a while, and the more I think about it, the more I hate it. He is supposed to be bad for me, but goddamnit, he feels so right and he is the only one-
And he just opened the balcony door.
Shit! I wasn't ready for this! I didn't even think he'd ever want to talk to me again. He said he was done with me. Or he has some other things to point out about how much of a lying, lousy bitch I was? Because he would be right.
I don't dare do much but watch him with the corner of my eye as he closes the door and comes in front of me, and not even when he says my name, I don't find the courage to lift my head and look him in the eyes. I am way too ashamed.
So he tries again and I know I can't ignore him. He at least deserves a reaction from me.
I don't let him say it a third time. I look at him and surprisingly enough, I don't find him having his arms crossed, there's not even a sign of a frown on his face.
But that's not what startles me. His words are.
"I don't want to leave things like this."
"W- why?" Why would he even want to try dealing with me?
Because, obviously, he's the bigger man here, duh, and you've been acting like a spoiled brat all night long.
He shrugs. "I think we should set things right once and for all."
I look at him staring stupidly. I don't know what answer to give to him. I should say that I would love that because I know I have a lot of explanations to give, but still, I mind myself speechless under his gaze. I only nod lightly.
"Can I sit next to you?"
There are some more pillows next to me, enough space for both of us, and I make space for him to sit.
And now we're supposed to talk about it, right? Moreover, I am supposed to say something. But…
"I don't know what to say, comrade."
Oh, I might have some suggestions. What about starting with I am kinda feeling something that I don't understand about you and I might be crazy but sometimes I think it's lo-
"It's okay. But I think we should try at least to talk about it. Say whatever you want. I'll wait if you need it. Until you feel ready."
And so, we sit in silence for a while, he's not saying another word, the only thing reminding me of his presence next to me being his breath getting out in white steady puffs.
Okay. Fine. If he wants us to do it, then let's do it. He is finally wanting to talk. I should be grateful, right? And it is the right thing to do. But what do I tell him?
What do I tell him? What about the truth?
But the more I think about it, all I can think of is this. And I even say it out loud.
"I am a crazy bitch."
His head snaps in my direction in the next second, a deep frown between his eyebrows.
"Rose… Hey…"
He wants to put an arm around me, or to touch me, something, because I see it lifting first so slightly that I barely felt it next to me, and I don't pull away. I only start thinking about how good it would feel for him to hold me. And I try to fight the urge to ask him to hold me just for a little second, just one last time maybe, because I just feel so… alone and sad and mad and scared and so many other things I can't name.
But he thinks twice about it and pulls it instead closer to his body as he sighs. Yeah. It's better like that.
"Yes, I might have called you crazy earlier and not only once…" he smiles a little. "And I sometimes still think you are, you know? I have to be honest. But just a little bit, okay?" he smiles at me a little wider, which kinda makes things a little bit better. "But not always." at this, I get smiling a little too. "But you're not a bitch. You're too good to be that."
"I wouldn't bet my money on that."
"Why not?"
"Why not? Where were you half an hour ago when I… yeah…"
He shrugs.
"I believe that one thing, one single moment, doesn't define wholly a person. There's always more behind that."
I don't know if this thing he said is supposed to have a hidden meaning, but my brain surely finds one and I instantly start thinking about everything that he has done. All the good things he did for me and all the things that I consider to be bad. And I realize he is right. There is definitely more to him. What do I really know about him that I put this bad guy etiquette on him? Who do I think I am to judge? It has only been three days since I met him.
"Yeah, but…"
I still want to give him a reason, but I just can't put it into words. Not because I don't have one for the big panic attack I got, but because I am quite embarrassed about it and I don't want him to look me with other eyes.
He already thinks I am crazy. He just said it. Not always, but still. When I'll tell him this, he'll think I am a whole lot weirder than now. And he'll get mad. Just when things started to be okay again. I don't want to ruin this again.
Come on! Don't be such a coward! It's just a word! Say it out loud and get rid of it! It didn't take you so much time to tell Alex.
Yeah, and where did that get me? I have never felt more embarrassed than I did that night. I wanted to dig myself a hole and hide in it forever.
So what would a little more embarrassment do now? You already made a fool of yourself in front of him far too many times.
Right. Okay. I decide it's now or never. I need to tell him about what happened earlier. To be honest about it. Face the facts and not care about it. It's my life and my body after all, right? I decide what to do with them.
"Look. About what happened earlier… I um… You know, I am... quite a… I am a v-"
"I know, Rose."
He knows that thing too? How the hell? How? No. He cannot know that thing about me! It's private! Way too private! Who told him? Because he surely didn't check. He was close to this night, but I started acting crazy.
"And you were right."
Okay, now he is confusing me. He knows or not? What is he talking about? What was I right about?
"I was?"
"Yes."
"Okay, just to make things clearer, about what was I right?"
"It was wrong to do that. From both of us. As you said… it was a mistake. From both of us to..."
A mistake? Is he talking about what happened in bed, right? I guess he is. And I think I indeed said that. That it was a mistake. But I thought that he wanted me. He said he wanted to kiss me. How come out of nowhere it is a mistake?
How come that out of nowhere it became a mistake for you too, huh?
Yeah, sure. He has the right to change his mind. But I liked to think that...
"...give in to that. But it won't happen again. I am sorry for that."
Why is he apologizing when I should do that?
"I lost control and I did a reckless thing. You and I, can't really…" he tries to find some more words to explain, but I have already understood.
We can't be anything. And he's right. It wouldn't be right. It would end disastrously.
And when I nod for way too many times, trying to focus on anything else than wanting to cry, he stops and sighs.
"I'm sorry. I won't do it again."
For a second, I think that this was it. And I was fine with it. Because it was the truth. But he felt the need to say something more.
"I should have known better. I should have informed you about my... intentions." he says sounding a little bitter. "You were... right. I am going to be honest with you. I only wanted to take you to bed. That's all."
Sure. Just that. No other involvement. No strings attached. Just a one night's thing and that's all. And how could I even expect more from him? I was the foolish one.
Shit! This thing hurts more than it should, even though I am the one who started all of it. Even though I knew it so damn well what I was getting myself into.
Boys and girls, this is karma coming for me. I deserve this. So I let him say whatever he wants to say. What worse things he could say anyway? At least the truth is out. It hurts, yes, but it's better like this. At least I know.
"And you being in the state you were… are... it wouldn't have worked out anyway. It wouldn't have been right."
Why? Is he implying I might have gotten attached to him?
Haven't you already done that?
"Rose?"
Of course I haven't gotten attached to him. I don't know anything about him. You can't feel anything for a stranger. I just got a little… confused.
"Rose? Did you get mad at me?"
Oh. He's still speaking to me.
"What did you say?"
"I asked if you… got mad at me."
"Why would I have?" I put on a serene mask and even smile a little. "No. I appreciate your honesty. You said things… perfectly. We're adults and I believe we should take responsibility for what happened. And you're right. It wouldn't have been right. And I am not mad."
"So, we're… good?"
Good? Can someone define this good? Because it doesn't feel that good. I feel even worse than before he came to sort things out.
I smile once more. "Yeah, comrade. We're... good. But I-"
I stop when I hear a phone ringing. His phone, which he takes out and looks at seeming quite concerned? Displeased? I can't tell. But he doesn't respond. He lets it ring.
"Sorry. Did you want to say anything else?"
"Oh, no, comrade. It wasn't important."
I have already lost my courage to ask him if he regrets it, what happened between us. And the more I think about it, I am glad that I didn't ask him this. It would have sounded stupid. And maybe desperate.
"But that call seems to be. Go ahead. Do your spy thing."
He doesn't look one hundred percent convinced by my little lie, but nods and wants to get up. But not before he smiles at me and lightly wraps his so warm fingers on my upper arm.
"I'm glad we talked this out, Rose."
"Yeah…" I struggle to smile back at him. "Me too."
And with this, he goes back inside, leaving me there to finally let my tears fall.
DPOV
I swear he can ruin any moment. He always calls into the most unfortunate moments.
"Yes," I respond a little more aggressively than I should.
"Um, hello to you too?"
"Yeah. Hi."
"Should I even ask what's with this passive-aggressive attitude?"
"Please don't."
I can't even explain why I am this pissed off. Partially because she had nothing to object at anything I said earlier. I wanted her to. But all she did was to be happy I said that.
"Okay, then. Why did you call me?"
"I need something from you."
"Sure. What is it?"
"I need a passport."
"For what? Doesn't your Agency provide you with that?"
"It's not for me."
"Then?" why does he now, out of all the times I asked for something from him, has to ask so many questions?
I turn around and look towards the balcony door, to see if she didn't decide to come back inside. I bet that she wouldn't like to know that this call involves her. But she didn't. She remained there. Isn't she cold? She's so undressed after all.
"Dimitri? Are you still there?"
"Yes. Yes I am. It's for Rose. The passport, I mean."
"Who is this Rose? You never mentioned her before." again, a thousand useless questions. And just because he heard a woman's name.
I sigh, knowing that I can't cut him off. He'll only want to know more. More of whatever is not happening.
"That is a long story that I don't have the time to tell you now."
"Should I worry, brother?"
"I don't know. No. I'm fine." at least now I know what I want to do next.
"Okay, I don't want to say it, but you kind of make me think you're fucking with me. Since when you don't know stuff about women?"
Since I met her apparently.
"I am not fucking with you. And it's not that I don't know stuff about her… It's just that…" that he's right. I don't know a lot of stuff when it comes to her. "All I need to know, will you do that for me?" I get a little angrier on him, poor guy, but he wouldn't get it even if I would try to explain it to him. I don't understand it myself.
"Of course I will. But only if you tell me one thing."
Why do I get the feeling I won't like at all his question?
"What?"
"Is this Rose your…" if he says something stupid I swear I will break his arm when I meet him. Hell, I'll break all his bones. "Lady?"
Okay, he could have used a worse word. I'll give him a pass this time. But still.
"Ivan… I swear to God… if you-"
"Hey! A brother has the right to worry. You know…"
"I know," I don't want him to mention that to me, not now, not ever again. I have already got too many memories of her for one night. "No. She is… Rose is not my lady." or anything else.
"And why do you sound disappointed?"
This is it. I am done with his questions. I am not disappointed. I just… fuck. I guess I am.
"I will send you everything you need for her passport and I'll tell you where to meet me. I'll call you tomorrow."
"Hey but- You secretive fucker!"
"Goodnight, Ivan."
RPOV
And I expect him not to come back, but he does. Why, only God knows. But here he is, closing that door behind him again.
Then, he comes in front of me and rounds a blanket on my shoulder, having to crouch a little in front of me for that and I get a second to look into his eyes before we both look away and he gets back up.
"I thought you might be cold out here like… that…"
He sounds a little embarrassed by pointing out my nakedness and it makes me smile. Who would have thought he'd ever get like this?
But he was right. I was freezing to death.
"Thanks."
He nods and wants to leave, but I stop him with my question.
"Why?" and I am not really asking him this only because I want to know. But maybe because I want… I want him to stay a little longer with me. To not leave me alone with my thoughts.
"Why what?"
"Why are you being nice to me after all I have done? And... said. Earlier, I mean."
"I already told you… I…" he shrugs, seeming unsure.
Yeah, I got that. One moment of what I did doesn't define me. But still. It wasn't the first time I acted like this and still, each time I did, he didn't remain upset with me for too long. He always wanted to mend things, even if it wasn't him the one who acted idiotically.
And I must say that I am not used to being forgiven so easily. I mean, Alex used to be mad at me for days, and until I didn't feel like shit ab-
He sighs soundly, interrupting my remembrance and when I look at him, he passes his hand through his hair and tilts his head to look at me.
"I don't know, Rose. Just because."
He again takes a seat next to me, leaving aside the grace he had me familiarized with and slouching backward, like being very tired all of a sudden, he lets himself half lay against the wall.
I see him like this for the very first time. And he seems to me more human than ever.
"Does there have to be a particular reason? I just..."
DPOV
What other reason could I give her? I already told her everything she wanted to hear. I repeated back to her all the words she said and even added some more bullshit from me too. If she wanted to hear it, I said it. I told her back all those untruths. But I can't tell her why I did it and why I keep on acting like this because it would go against everything I said minutes ago. I would end up being the crazy one.
And even I know it is for the best this way, I can't help but want to tell her something else than she wanted to hear, something more than what she wants to believe about me.
And oh, how many things I have to tell her.
I have never met someone like you. You are this weird combination of shyness and courage and I can't understand you and this is something new for me. I am not used to not figuring people out. You intrigue me and I want to know everything about you, each little weird thing. I know that there is more of you under all those little, useless, surface things I know about you and I yearn to know it all, to know all the things that matter. I want you to tell it all to me. The good and the bad, I want to know it all. All your pains and joys. To share them with me.
And even though I may have not admitted it to you earlier yesterday, you were right. So damn right that it terrified me that you could see right through me. No one ever did that so fast. But with you? Woah. Someone seemed to get me, for once in a very long time. And maybe I get you more than you think I do. Or maybe I could I if you'd let me. If you'd, for a second, think more of me.
And I am sorry that you have to go through all of these things. You seem- I know you are, I can just feel it, that you are a very nice person, despite your little moods and all, and I get that this is hard for you, but I will try to make things for you as easily as I can. At least from now on. I know what to do now to keep you safe and it's the least I can do for you after all the shit I put you through. Somehow, I feel responsible for dragging you into this situation. And I am sorry for it.
But as selfish this would sound, I am glad that I found you first. Because at least I know that I can keep you safe. I would do anything to keep you safe. To keep you alive. Even if that means that I have to give up on you, on what I think you could offer me? I would do it. I will do it.
What else could I tell her? That I can't make myself tell her all these things because I have promised myself I would do anything so that the history won't repeat itself?
How much of a crazy man would she think I am if I'd even mention any of that? Why would she even think that my intentions don't have anything hidden? It's not like I haven't just told her the opposite. Because I did and I tried so hard to seem convincing, even though I hated saying those lies to her. Because I didn't just want to get her in bed.
I should tell her that I want to leave. But I would be lying. I know I should leave. But I don't want to. Now that I know I don't have so much time left to spend around her, I want to make the best of it. I enjoy being around her and I won't have this chance for too long. If things go the way I want them to, our paths will part soon. But tonight, now, they're not apart. I am here with her and I am not leaving.
Tomorrow, I will make sure she gets as far away from me, both physically and emotionally and I will let her be. Tomorrow, I'll find a way to make her hate me again. As she said, she doesn't need me to complicate her life more than it already is. I won't ruin anyone else's life. Not again. She will make it out of this alive. I promise, no matter the cost.
But just tonight, I want us to be fine. I want us to be good. Because I'd like to keep the memory of tonight forever if not her. It's useless anyway to yearn for something I might never have.
RPOV
I think that maybe he is thinking about an answer, because he remains silent for a minute or two. And finally, he speaks.
"You know, it's not like I have been far from that. We both did stuff. If so we're both a little to blame in this and that's how it is. I did and said things too. You could still be mad at me too. Are you?"
"No, I am not." How could I when he is so nice? I never could.
He smiles imperceptible, but I was watching for his reaction, so I saw it.
"Good. None of us is mad." he feels the need to state this conclusion, like to make things more real.
And next, after another moment of silence, he tells me that we will be leaving in the morning.
Well, that's nothing new. I kind of expected this.
"When do we leave?"
"Not that early. We still might catch a few hours of rest. But we still have a long way to go."
"To where?"
"To meet someone."
"Someone?"
"Yes, someone."
Well, I was aiming for getting a response on who this someone is. But that didn't come. And I am okay with it, I guess. I don't feel the need to puff, to roll my eyes, to do anything. I already got used to this. And I realize it doesn't even matter. He'll take care of it.
And then, we sit again in silence. It's weird how many times we find ourselves surrounded by silence. But I kinda find it comforting with him even though sometimes I would cut my hand off just to hear him telling me some things. Any things about him.
But now, I enjoy this comforting silence between us.
"Don't you want to get inside? It's kind of cold out here."
It is. But I wrap the blanket tighter on me and shake my head.
"I am good. I just need... the air."
But in fact, seeing that bed again will definitely make me cry. So I prefer staying here.
He just nods and doesn't say anything more.
"But you can go if you-"
"No. I am good too."
"You're not cold?" At least I have a blanket. He just has a T-shirt.
"I've experienced worse weather than this."
"We still could share…" I extend one corner of the blanket towards him. "This?"
And he takes it. But I haven't thought things through. Because in order to make that blanket round on both of us, he has to come closer to me, which he does. And when he stops moving, he has ended up with his side body glued to mine, sharing now his warmness with mine, which I welcome gratefully.
But this good feeling doesn't last for too long and I curse the heavens when someone knocks at the door. Plus, I get scared too and I almost jump to my feet in surprise, and I would have even whelped or something else, but he catches my hand and pulls me back down, showing me to calm down and not make any noise.
"It's just the delivery guy." He makes a pause to think about it. "But you'd better stay here anyway. I'll be right back. I'll go check."
Before going back inside, I see him getting his knife out from his pants.
He ordered something to eat?
And as this thought passes through my mind, I realize that I am indeed famished. With everything that's going around, I tend to forget about common stuff like eating. How could I even think about stuff like food when he… well, you know...
It's a good thing he is always the one reminding me to eat or else, I would have starved a long time ago.
When he comes back outside, I see him carrying a paper bag from a restaurant which sign looks familiar to me. I saw it before. It's the one just in front of the motel. Duh, this is why it delivered so fast.
But the good thing is that he bought Chinese, just my favorite.
He lets me choose and we keep to ourselves as we fill our bellies, which is not for too long because I eat at the speed of light, and he even points that out, concerned that I might choke, but not even that makes me eat slower. Or less.
But unlike last night, this bag has a little bonus. It contains two fortune cookies.
From which, again, he let me choose mine. I don't insist on him choosing this time and I take the one on my left. Let's see what important message the Universe has to transmit to me.
As I chew on half of my fortune cookie, I unroll the little paper and seeing the words written on it, I can't help but puff in contempt. Sure. Bullshit.
"What? What did it say?"
I read it again, thinking if I should reproduce this to him.
Your true love will show himself to you under the moonlight
Yeah, it's just a bunch of crap.
I even look up and I see that the moon is hidden under the clouds. So no moonlight, so no true love, right? Here is it, a sign from the Universe that it is not meant to be. That I am just fooling myself.
"Nothing, comrade. Just an idiotic 'You will have unexpected great good luck and stuff.'"
To hell if I am telling him the truth.
DPOV
"And yeah... I am indeed very lucky..."
She looks away and sighs, then pulls her legs up, encircling them with her hands and propping her chin on her knees.
"At least I am still alive, right? I can consider myself lucky for that. I should be grateful. Thankful… " she lifts her head and tilts it while watching me. "To you. That you found me and… stuff… like… you know… keeping me alive." she smiles, biting her lip. "Thank you, comrade. I um… thanks."
"Don't mention it." I only wish I could have done more.
"And, yeah, anyway. It could always be worse, right?"
"Is that your life motto?"
She laughs lightly for once in a long while. But hey, at least I got her to feel a little better.
"No. But maybe it should with everything going on these days... I don't know… I mean- Nah. Never mind. What about you? What did you get?"
I break my fortune cookie and read the little piece of paper inside.
You can still love what you cannot have in life.
Or who you can't, right?
"What does your cookie say about life, huh?"
I am not saying her this, not in a million years. It would sound stupid.
I just remember one I had some time ago and reproduce it to her.
"Just something fancy. Courage is not the absence of fear; it is the conquest of it."
"Fancy, but true, right?"
"Right."
She sighs and looks up at the stars.
"It's sickening to be afraid all the time."
"Afraid of what?"
"Of… stuff. I don't know. I just…" she sighs once more and moves her gaze on me. "How do you do it?"
"Do what?"
"Not be afraid. Of anything. You're fearless. You just... do stuff and, I don't know, you don't seem to be afraid of anything and… ah, leave it. I am just talking nonsense. I was just thinking of that fortune cookie too much."
"Rose, I am not as you think I am. I am not that fearless."
"No? Really? Your actions say otherwise."
"I am afraid of stuff too."
"What kind of stuff?"
Never hearing her laugh again? Me being the reason that happens? Never seeing her again? Getting too attached to her that I get selfish? The list is long. But most, I am afraid that I will not be able to keep her alive. That I will be the reason she dies. That I will fail her too.
What the hell, Dimitri? Stop that already! Since when do you doubt yourself that much?
"Just stuff. Like all the people. I fear things just like all the other people do."
"Yeah, right. Like you would be afraid of stuff normal people are. You're not normal. But not in a bad way," she hurries to add. "Like… you're a badass." At this, I laugh. That's what she thinks of me? "And badass people aren't afraid of anything, right?"
"Thanks, love, but I think you think too much of me."
"Eh, I don't think so."
"You know, if I maybe don't let people see it, it doesn't mean it's not there."
"Fine. I get it. You're afraid of stuff too, like all the other peasant. But how do you do it?"
"You learn to manage it."
And for a couple of seconds, she keeps on watching me, and I look back at her, wanting to learn already each of her features, trying to inscribe them in my memory. To always remember how beautiful she is.
Until she waves her hand in front of my eyes.
"What?"
"What do you mean what? Are you going to keep it a secret? How you do it, I mean. Or is it a thing that after you tell me you'll have to kill me? I don't think I want to know in these conditions," she says, a smile on her lips.
"Oh, sure. It's not a secret."
I just got a little too distracted by the way she was watching me and playing with the edges of her hair to think more of our ongoing conversation.
"Cool. Then teach me." she gets excited.
"I can't teach you anything. You just… have to not let it get the best of you."
"That's easier said than done."
"Maybe at first. But know this. Fear kills you. It paralyzes you when all you think about is what scares you. And when that happens, just take a second and breathe."
"Just like you always tell me when… yeah..."
"Yes, love. Don't let it overpower you. Don't let it take over your thoughts. Acknowledge it and deal with it, but don't let it control you. Because there is always a way out."
"That's a pretty good piece of advice, comrade. But what if there's no way out?"
"Maybe. But there's something more you should remember."
"What?"
"That when it feels like there is no way, there's still one way left."
"Which one? Praying?" she gets a little mocking. "You told me you're not part of any cult, comrade, but this here starts looking to me like preaching."
Oh, why can't she be this relaxed and fun all the time? Do I make her anxious some other times?
"And I am not. But if that works for someone, that's fine too."
"True. But tell me your miraculous way out."
"Dive right in and do the best you can."
She laughs.
"Is that it? That's all?"
"Yes."
"And how did I work so far?"
"Sometimes good. Sometimes not. But what matters is how you deal with it after."
Just like tonight. I dove right into it, I let myself driven not by my brain and things ended badly. And now I am trying to deal with it.
"Well, you can't always do things right, we all know that."
"Yes, but you can still try to repair the mess."
Just like it's happening now. We're repairing the mess we've made.
She chuckles once more and her eyes get a little gleaming. Or I am just imagining it. I can't be sure from this angle.
"You're so zen all of a sudden, comrade."
She turns my way and looks at me, and I get my confirmation. Her eyes got teary. But why? Did I say something that I shouldn't have?
"What happened?"
"I think... I want to repair a little mess."
"What mess?"
RPOV
Yeah. Which one? Because there are plenty of messes I should repair.
"Just a mess I made. But first, can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"You haven't read anything about... Mason? Like, back at my apartment? Before, when you searched through it?"
He shakes his head no.
"Come on. Don't do that. Stop pretending you didn't, okay? I know you know where the notebooks were. You came across them when we were at my apartment too."
"I did."
"So?"
"So nothing. I didn't say I didn't know where they were. I said I didn't read anything from them."
I look at him and hell, he might be a good liar, but still, I believe him with this.
"Why? Why didn't you?"
"It seemed... personal. And from what I am guessing now, it was personal. So I decided I didn't want to read it. That I shouldn't."
"So what? You want to tell me you didn't read anything from those notebooks?"
"That's what I'm aiming for you to understand. I didn't read anything from there."
"And how- Wh-"
"Wait. To be completely honest, I did read something."
"I see…" So he was lying to me or not about not knowing?
"But I have read just half a page. That's all. Not a single word more. I stopped at the part with "If it might help, this stupid thing, in any little way, I'll try this too, I'll write it down."."
Wow, he remembers it word by word? He indeed pays attention to everything.
And he stopped before I mentioned anything about Mase. So, he doesn't know.
"Weren't you curious to um… read more?"
"I was. But, maybe you don't want to believe it, but my snooping around has its limits. You asked me if I have morals. Find out that I do. If it's none of my business, then it's none of my business."
"But what if you would have found something about Ale- Xavier in it?"
Hey, it's like you want him to have read it. What's the matter with you?
"Would I have found something about him?"
"No. But you didn't know this back then."
"Then, I took my chances."
"Why?" I just want to know his reasons. He could have snooped around. He could have read it. But he didn't. He chose not to.
"I just didn't, Rose. I don't have a particular reason to give you. I just didn't want to intrude more than needed, because again, it seemed too personal. And it wasn't my business."
"Thanks, comrade. I…"
I don't know why, but him doing that, or well, not doing that, means a lot to me. It kinda makes me trust him a little more.
"But look… about Mason… I-"
"No. You don't have to feel obliged to tell me, Rose. I get it. It's alright if you don't feel comfortable talking about it. I didn't mean to push you earlier." He sighs. "I wanted to know, but I shouldn't have pushed you like that."
"No. You were right. If I keep on waking you up at night like this, you at least deserve to know the reason."
He nods and silence falls between us again.
I am taking a little time to gather my courage to speak. And he just waits patiently, a gesture that only encourages me.
So I just open my mouth and let it all out.
"His name is- was Mase. Mason. Mason Ashford. And he was my best friend. I have known him since I was six."
I stop to think about the day I met him, thought that still makes me smile.
"He has just moved in town on my second year of school and he moved into the house across mine. And he was the cutest red-headed kid I have ever seen. You could spot him from miles away. And hear him too. He was so loud. And fun. He was always smiling."
If I think about it, you could hardly see him upset. Of course, except the times someone was trying to mess with me. But except that, he was a definition-like optimist.
"My mother sent me to welcome him in the neighborhood. But I kinda made a fool of myself because I was quite a shy kid-" I hear him chuckling next to me and I stop to watch him. "Did I say something funny?"
"No, love. Just… nothing. Go on. What did you do?"
"I wanted to extend my hand to greet him properly and that didn't work out the way I wanted. Because in my other hand I was carrying a plate with blueberry pie, and I somehow stumbled over it with my other hand, and it fell, and it landed on his so white shoes, and…"
"And what? Did you run away?" he asks amused.
"How do you know that?"
"Lucky hunch."
"Yes, I ran. But even though I let him in the middle of the road with a plate of pie on his shoes, ruining them, at school, the next days after that, he was nice to me. And one day, when I couldn't stand it anymore, I simply asked him why. "Because you seem to be nice," he responded. And after he told me that, he asked me if I wanted to be his friend…" my voice cracks and I need to stop in order not to break in tears.
Goddamnit, each time I remember anything about him I get like this.
"Rose…" he gets my hand in his and squeezes reassuringly "For real, now. If you don't feel like doing it, you don't have to feel obliged to tell me. I mean it. I understand."
I shrug and squeeze back on his palm.
"Maybe you are right. Maybe I should finally let it out."
I haven't talked about Mason with someone in a very long time. Not even with my parents. And maybe I won't get the chance to tell anyone ever again. Let it out, finally. And he is a person that I feel safe telling all this.
"I have never found the courage to tell anyone else, but… I… Only if you still want to know."
He nods.
"Only if you are sure you want to tell."
I nod and continue my little remembrance.
"We have been best friends ever since. Until four months ago. When he…"
I need to take a deep breath in. Okay, I can say this out loud. I can. Don't be afraid, Rose. Just breathe, right?
"He died in my arms…" And I start crying, but I don't stop talking. "And… yeah. Having him die… in my arms… I don't know… it messed with my brain…"
"And… you dream that? His death?"
"Sometimes. Sometimes not. It's different versions of it at times. It's never the same. Sometimes I don't even know what I dream. But it's always bad. Even if I don't remember it. Just like tonight… I'm sorry for-"
"Oh, Roza, it's fine."
And a little while later, when he makes sure I have stopped crying, his fingers stop soothing my knuckles and he wants to get up.
"Whe- where are you going?" I don't want him to leave me alone.
"Wait for a little here. I'll be right back."
He goes inside the room and when he comes back, he extends me a folded piece of paper.
"What's this?"
"I didn't know for sure if you would want it, but it seemed important, from the way it was placed on your nightstand and I took it before…" before he burned everything else in there. "Honestly, I expected to find a photo of you and Xavier there but…"
"Yeah, he never wanted us to take any photo. And at least I know why."
And even though I already know what I am holding, what this photo contains, I stare at for a whole minute. We were so happy that day.
"Thank you for this, comrade. A lot. It means so much to me to know I didn't lose it."
And as I look at it again, at our faces so happy, I again feel the tears piling up at the back of my eyes, knowing I would never get to live such a day with Mase.
"When was this made?"
I welcome the distraction he provides me and I start telling him the little story behind that photo.
"We went camping that day. He kept on wanting to just take a tent and go sleep into the wild for a month and I finally gave in and said let's do it." remembering it, I start laughing.
"What?"
"He was so fierce about being a little Bear Grylls, but he didn't even know how to put a tent. And oh, besides that, at night, it started raining. And I wanted for us to leave. But he said, he insisted that we would remain there because the tent was waterproof and it is part of the experience." and laughing with him, I tell him the rest of the story. "But then the wind started blowing and it took the whole tent with it and left us into the middle of nowhere to get soaking wet."
And when our laughs turn into little stray chuckles, I already miss feeling this good with him. I never thought we could share moments like these. It seems so right and gosh, I fell in love with his laugh. I fell for another little part of him.
And I don't know how many others I can afford to fall for until-
"How is your hand doing?"
Taking a look at my hands, I remember about my cut. Another mess of mine.
"I guess it's fine. It's not bothering me at all. You bandaged it well. Doctor-like. Did they teach you all these stuff in spy school?"
"I didn't go to any spy school."
"You know what I mean."
"Yeah, I know. And yes. I learnt to deal with a lot of stuff there."
"Gunshots and all too? I mean, you know…"
"Yes. Those too."
"Cool. Well, not that cool, but… if you know what to do, then you can… help people… when they got shot... and they're dying... and their bloo-"
"Where did he get shot?"
"What?"
"Mason. Where did he get shot?"
"In… I didn't tell you how he died. How did you guess he got shot?"
"Call it another lucky hunch."
"He got... shot in the heart."
"Rose, unless you have healing powers, there's nothing much you could have done. No matter if you have ever learnt to deal with bullet wounds. If you were a doctor and had an operation table on hand, then fine, but… you didn't."
"I know. People keep on telling me that but… What if I could have done more?"
"I bet you did all you could. That you did your best."
"How do you know? Another hunch of yours?"
"Hey, don't I know them all?"
"Yeah, you do, comrade." I end up smiling again thanks to him.
"So, can I take a look at it?"
"At what?"
"At your hand."
"You don't have to, really. It is fine…"
But he doesn't give up.
"Wait a second. I saw a first aid kit into the bathroom."
"Hey" I yell after him, but he is long gone." You don't have to do that, I'm fine!"
But there's no one to respond.
He comes back and sits in front of me.
I insist again on him not doing it, and he insists on doing it.
And it goes his way, of course.
Slowly and gently, he takes my hand in his, takes my bandage off and starts palpating the little swelling around my cut.
"Does it hurt?" I shake my head. "That's good. The redness subsided too."
Next, he cleans it and puts another clean cloth on it and all I do is to watch him, look at his focused features, at how he looks at me from time to time to make sure I am not making any faces in pain, but his hands just work magic and I don't feel the littlest of pain.
After he is done, we sit there, facing each other, none of us saying anything, just him still holding my hand and walking his fingers on it like hypnotized and I let him.
I keep on staring back into the deepness of his eyes and I freeze, my breath catching in my throat as he brings his hand up and…
And what does he want to do?
Who knows? Pick up from where we left hours ago? I bet you'd like that, wouldn't you?
He gets a hold of one strand of my hair and plays with it for a couple of seconds, rounding it on his finger and studying it, I don't know, but I like too much the way he is watching it, and all I can do is to watch him stupidly as I have absolutely no idea on how to react.
But a thing I know. That I don't want him to stop.
Oh, it's happening again, isn't it?
Then, moving his eyes back on my face, he brings his palm closer to my cheek and I can feel his fingers so close to brushing my cheek, I almost can feel their warmth on my skin and I start breathing harder with anticipation. You know what? I won't stop him.
But his touch never comes.
He just sighs deeply and fists his palm, pulling it away.
"I um… you have something… I just wanted to… wipe it off."
He pulls away even more, deciding to get back to his place next to me.
Duh, of course. What else was I thinking of? I just ate Chinese a while ago. But has that thing been there all the time? Why didn't he tell me earlier?
I look away, feeling weird and confused as I wipe off my cheek a spot that might not actually be there.
And I don't have the time to say anything and neither does he because his phone starts ringing again. It's quite a busy night for him, right?
He seems like he would want to tell me something but he doesn't, he just turns around and goes into the room.
And again, a minute or so later, he comes back and gets back to his seat. I wonder what keeps him coming back. Not that I wouldn't enjoy his presence. I just want to know if he enjoys mine too or he just feels responsible for something concerning me. I don't want to be a burned to him more than I already am.
"It's really nice out here." I try to fill the void that's now letting me fill my brain with idiotic thoughts. "With the stars and stuff. They look shinier from up here."
And he doesn't say anything, just nods. What could someone possibly respond to that anyway?
But then again, he surprises me. It seems that he can find a response to my bland conversation starter.
He lifts a hand and shows me a thing in the sky.
"See that?"
"That what?"
"That star over there." he moves his hand a little to the left.
"You will have to be more precise with that, comrade. There are a lot of stars and the sky is really big."
Laughing lightly, he scoots closer to me and takes my hand in his, points my finger and directs our hands in front of my face, giving me some more indications.
With his help, I search for the star and finally find it.
"Okay, I see it. What is with it?"
"That's one of the brightest stars that can be seen in the night sky."
"Nice. Does it have a name?"
"Deneb. And it's part of the Cygnus constellation."
"You're messing with me, right?"
"Why would I?" he looks at me frowning.
"Dunno. It is quite a weird name for a constellation and a star. I have never heard of those names."
"Cygnus is the Latinized-Greek-something word for swan. And Deneb, that means tail."
"Wow. That's nice. So, we're supposed to see a swan?" he nods. "So where's the rest of it? Show me."
And he does, again, guiding my finger, pointing at the sky.
"It does indeed look like a swan. With the obvious imagination, of course. But how do you even know that? I have never heard of that constellation. And if you're telling me you learned that in spy school, then I think I might enroll too."
I tried to be funny, thinking that I might get him to give me a little piece of his laugh, but he doesn't seem to have liked my little joke.
He just shrugs, seeming off all of a sudden.
"No, Rose. No spy school. I just knew someone who loved stars."
Oh. Ouch. Did I touch a sensitive subject?
"Knew?" I dare to ask.
"Mhm." Is his response, but so faint that I begin to think I have imagined it.
But still, I don't ask more about it. If he doesn't want to share, who am I to push him?
Instead, I show him another couple of stars, trying to do to him the same as he did to me, trying to distract him.
"What about those?"
He moves a little closer to me to see the stars I'm pointing at and our shoulders brush, but we both decide to let it pass.
"Which ones?"
"Those three. I always wondered what's the thing with those three stars almost aligned. It has always pissed me off they don't form a complete line."
"Oh. That's Orion's belt."
DPOV
And when she has asked me about all the stars on the sky tonight, after she has imagined a few constellations of her own, of which names I will never forget, she falls silent next to me.
But I feel like telling her something more. Just one thought.
"Rose?"
"Mhm?"
"I…." what bad would it do if I tell her, huh?
Still looking up at "the dangly spider", I tell her.
"I like it when we're not fighting, Rose. I… I enjoyed spending time with you tonight. I like you too. As a person I mean," I hurry to set things right, fearing that she would really understand what I was thinking of but didn't want to let out.
But even though, I get nothing as a response but silence.
Isn't she going to say anything? Did she get upset? Did I mess things up? Did I say something wrong? Again?
And I dare look at her.
But I find her with her eyes closed, her head propped against the wall, and she's breathing steadily, looking so sweet with her lips pouted. She fell asleep. She must have been exhausted.
I guess she didn't even hear me.
Well, maybe it wasn't meant for her to hear me.
I should better take her inside.
But as I try to pick her up, she twists a little in my arms.
"Mmmm, no." and she presses her palm against my chest.
"Hey, let me just take you to bed."
She rests her forehead onto my shoulder and growls.
"No. I want to... stay here." she moves her hand up and down, gesticulating unconsciously. "I like… it here… comra… here. Out… stars..."
"But you'll freeze, love."
"No. You… warm… en… ough." she cuddles better into me, thus requiring me to take a seat back down, but this time with her on me. "You're always so warm..." she whispers and her cold fingers creep into the crook of my neck. "I like that…"
So, we'll stay here I guess.
RPOV
In the morning I wake up cuddled into him. Well, more exactly on him, his hands wrapped around me, one of his palms resting on my hip, and with the blanket covering both of us.
Oh, shit. How did I end up like this? I don't even remember falling asleep. Did I crawl on him along the night?
Should I, you know, get off him? What if he wakes up and sees me like this? What if he doesn't like it?
Yeah, I'd better go.
I move a little, trying my chances, but my leg is feeling numb and it gets that needle piercing sensation, and without intending to, I let out a little whimper.
And he reacts to that.
His embrace on me tightens. He pulls me closer to him and and little up, my nose now getting to rest into the crook of his neck and he brings his palm up on my body, walking it past my ribs and up to my shoulder, then back down into a soothing gesture.
"Shhh, Roza. It's okay. You're safe now."
And next, he starts soothing my hair.
"Nothing bad is going to happen. I'm here," he says almost like a promise, then turns his head and places his lips and the tip of his nose on my forehead, resting them there, like into some kind of prolonged fatherly kiss.
What should I do now? He thinks I am asleep but-
Sooooo, why wouldn't you enjoy this?
Because I know I shouldn't.
But my body just craves it. His touch, his smell, everything about him.
Hey, what he doesn't know, it won't hurt him, right?
Right.
So I just sit there, cuddled into him, sharing his warmness into this cold morning, loving the feeling of his lips on my forehead, loving his scent all over me, loving each moment of this, whatever this is.
Next, he moves his hand down along my arm and I need to stop myself from gasping when his fingers reach the skin just above my elbow, but just for a second, because he pulls his fingers away fast, like my skin was burning him.
He moves his head and gently rests it over mine.
And after he sighs deeply and calls me Roza once more, he says something in Russian that I would give everything to know what meant.
DPOV
I try, I really try to touch her again but gosh, just feeling her skin on mine is enough to send my senses to heaven as I remember exploring it last night. But still, I keep my hand away. I shouldn't allow myself too many things, right?
But you still want her.
"Oh, Roza. What are you doing to me?"
RPOV
The last thing I remember was me just sitting there, feeling the sun making its way up on the sky on my face but not seeing it, and I don't even regret it because him touching me felt amazing in comparison. Who needs to see the sunlight when you have his arms around you? I don't.
And I didn't move until he is now shaking me lightly, sometime later, when he wakes me up. But comparing to his touch, his voice doesn't match. I don't like his tone.