Imp Note: This update here is made up of three chapters, each starting with a quote. The one which starts with the quote of Leonard Cohen is written in Edward's POV. It's my perspective on how negative a person can become if they actually have mind-reading powers. Negativity comes as easily as positivity is difficult to maintain in the face of the continuous onslaught of pessimism and darker human emotions. And that's when people actually try to be somewhat circumspect in expressing their opinions most of the time.
Imagine getting an uncensored version of everyone's thoughts and getting to know the actual person behind the mask. There'll be a lot of goodness, kindness, and positivity too, but perhaps they will get lost amidst the pettiness and spitefulness, or sheer cruelty of some people as negativity is far easier to attract than positivity.
And this here is me decoding Edward's character and issues from Twilight. Please let me know your thoughts.
Also, please read my Author's note at the end of the chapter.
Beta love goes to Frannie (Sunflower Fran) and Angela (AngelaAbbot). If the world could be expressed in colors, they will be two of the brightest.
'You are my blue crayon, the one I never have enough of. The one I use to color my sky.'
– A.R. Asher
"Your hands almost blurred when you painted me." Passive orbs bore into tumultuous ones.
"I knew you were not human."
"Then why …?" He choked.
The need for words hung like missing faces in photographs between them, but he dared not prompt her.
And as the tides of his anxiety receded, the empty space filled with the fear of her scorn.
"Living is a hardship for me, Edward. It hurts … everything does." Her raw, plaintive note struck him with the force of a bulldozer.
"My bones were misaligned, they put in rods. My teeth were eroded, they capped them. My uterus was damaged, they removed it." She chuffed, a tear making its lone descent down her sunken cheek.
"Isn't it ironical that this mess started with my fear of pregnancy when I'm the last woman who could ever become a mother?"
The hits came faster then, spurred by her misery. Every crime against her made a new fissure, breaking surface, cleaving rocks.
"But medicines could only do so much, perhaps heal my physical wounds. And I made peace with that … accepted some semblance of existence, which would hopefully not stretch for long."
Bitter shards plowed deeper, birthing a rabid infection more virulent than his venom. With a keening roar, the plane gave way, bowing under her hopeless resignation.
"Bella, please don't think like that," Edward begged, speech garbling in his urgency. "You can't lose hope. Not now, when we've come such a long way! You have us, me, and-"
"But that's my answer, isn't it? Or you are." Bella nodded, sighing.
"I … what?"
"You make me want to seek, Edward … You make me want to hope."
'There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in …'
-Leonard Cohen
He didn't even realize when he gave up.
A slave to the silken whispers of his mind, he had seen them all.
And not unlike Eve, the fruit of knowledge brought with it his own downfall.
No alarm had set off, no bedlam ensued. Instead, the light had beaten a slow retreat; the amnesty fading until it vanished whole.
His perception darkened, the faults lengthened, and bad blinded him to the good.
From pettiest spite to vilest savagery, everything blurred into the same shade of ennui. Neither beginning, nor the end of the madness, but the in-between made his Rock of Gibraltar.
And it worked too.
For the longest time he existed, content in the monochromatic limbo. Never venturing, nor trying to break free, he hid, too chary to feel or believe in the Purgatory.
His self-made, earthly Purgatory …
They say the devil resides in hell. They say the devil burns people in hell.
But what if he lives within us?
What if we are already burning in hell?
'And then a hero comes along,
With the strength to carry on,
And you cast your fears aside,
And you know you can survive,
So when you feel like hope is gone,
Look inside you when it's strong,
And you'll finally see the truth,
That a hero lies in you.'
-Mariah Carey, Music Box
Guilt is a carnivore.
On silent feet, it creeps till it devours you whole.
No escape is spared from its menacing jaw.
Sinking its teeth deeper, it rips through every defense, every pretense, baring insecurities, mangling self-worth.
Guilt can also be a much-needed kick in the butt.
Two days.
That's how long he went without seeing her.
Shut-in the mirrored vault of self-reflection, he organized the unspeakable chaos of his life. And when he emerged from the solitude, he knew not the time gone by.
Eagerly, he sought her … and froze.
For a long time, he stood, locked in the hollowness of her vacuous orbs. Their chill pierced him, their walls imprisoned him, searing him with icy shards and broken glass.
"Bella," He cried desperately, "What's wrong?"
She jumped, startled. A spark of recognition lit in her eyes; then slowly gathered into a maelstrom.
He tried to read her, to solve the riddle of her thoughts, but her emotions scuttled away too fast, forever out of the reach of his mind.
"You are here … You came!" Isabella whispered, jolting him from his stupor.
"You didn't leave …"
Her teary disbelief slammed into him with the force of a juggernaut. The violence of the hit knocked him down, eliminating the last of his demons and doubts.
And when the dust settled, he lay amidst the gore of his rancor and fears, testing the timorous taste of acceptance for the first time.
"Of course I came, Bella." Edward choked, voice bruised and raw.
"As I always will …"
Author's Note:
So here it is, the turning point for Bella and Edward. Him coming back to her after sorting through his emotions has made Bella tentatively trust Edward that he won't abandon her while making her realize the yet undefined importance he holds in her life. On the other hand, her raw reaction has also made Edward see that he offers her something infinitely precious and purer than the darkness of his self-perceived monstrosity- friendship and understanding ...
I'm sorry for taking so long to update.
My real life is a mess at the moment. I lost my Nan in December and that was a huge blow on so many levels for me as she was like my second Mom. She was also the fourth person to die in my immediate family within past one and a half year. So, yeah, my family is yet to catch a break.
Between my internship (which is thankfully nearing an end in a few months), studies and the stress and grief of losing people near to me, I was, still am not in a place to write. That doesn't mean I've abandoned my stories. I'll finish all of them. But at present, I need a little more time to patch up my personal life, finish my internship and appear for my final exams, which are fast approaching.
So I'm sorry for staying away so long and leaving again, but really I plan to get back to all my stories before the end of this year.
I really hope you guys will stick with me till then.
On another note, that phrase in Edward's POV, 'They say the devil resides in hell ...' It's a sneak peek into the prologue of my new story which I'll take up after completing 'Wreckage', 'The Duke of Alsworth' and 'The Emperor'.
For those who remember 'Broken', another Twilight fanfiction I used to post here and later pulled, it has somewhat similar storyline, but is set in the regency era. It'll also mark my foray into the mystery genre and is tentatively titled, 'Bainbridge'.
I'll post it here as Twilight fanfiction once I finish my existing WIP.
Huge thanks to all you folks who dropped me PMs and still continue reviewing my stories. In all the sadness and struggle, whenever I felt down I always pulled up reviews and messages of so many incredible people here and that got me going. You guys are rockstars and your kind words are little pills of happiness and sunshine all rolled into one.
See you all again. Until then, take care.
*The Rock of Gibraltar: It's a high cliff at the south-western edge of the Mediterranean Sea, near the town and port of Gibraltar. When people say that something is like the Rock of Gibraltar, they mean it is very safe or solid.