As the holidays rapidly approached and plans for the day were discussed, Bellatrix's mood soured.
"I will try to get away for an hour or two, but I cannot promise anything," Narcissa said with a frown. "I certainly can't get away in the morning."
Andy nodded, looking disappointed but not surprised. "I understand. In that case, perhaps I should spend the morning with Ted instead of the evening... I want to be here if you can manage a visit..."
Bellatrix prowled around the edge of the room and slipped out, a low growl in her chest.
With only a few days left before Christmas, the house felt impossibly empty and suffocating. Everyone had plans they were looking forward to for the holidays. Only Sirius and Bellatrix remained trapped within Grimmauld Place, with nowhere to go, no one to see, and no festivities to look forward to.
Sirius's mood turned grim when he learned that Potter planned to spend the winter break at the Burrow with the Weasleys.
"Perhaps Dumbledore will let you visit him for Christmas," Andy had suggested, but Bellatrix did not think that Andy believed anymore than Sirius that there was a chance Dumbledore would allow it.
Despite the best efforts of Andy, Dora, and Remus, Sirius fell deeper into depression, drinking more heavily than before. Bellatrix paced the house relentlessly until her anger, frustration and helplessness exploded out of her in fits of rage, leaving broken furniture in her wake.
"Please, Bella," Andy said, now sounding as helpless as Bella felt, "I don't understand..." Face strained, body tense, she pleaded with watery eyes to both Sirius and Bellatrix, who stood amidst the wreckage of the kitchen, but neither were moved.
Sirius's grim mood radiated off of him, feeding Bella's own agitation, as he pushed her fur aside to check for wounds from the broken cabinet. Bellatrix wondered if he fed off of her in turn.
"This will be our first Christmas together, all of us," Andy said.
"Harry will be at the Burrow," Sirius said stiffly. He stood up, brushing glass off his robes. Turning to Andy, he paused, a glimmer of remorse in her gaze, but Bellatrix stalked back and forth in front of him, ears pinned back, unmoved. As if drawing off her energy, he retorted, "And you'll be going home for it, won't you? We'll be stuck here alone."
Andy straightened, fire igniting in her eyes. "Are you blaming me for wanting to see my husband?"
"No," Sirius said shortly, but his eyes remained stormy.
Bellatrix's anger swelled inside her, an almost physical energy rippling over her skin, until she found herself lurching midstride, abruptly on two legs. She caught herself and brushed off Sirius when he reached out to help steady her. Resuming her prowling, she glared at Andy.
"I am. Take me with you."
"You know I can't, Bella," Andy said softly, a pleading note in her voice. "You have to stay here."
"I went with you before." The words came with some difficulty still.
"I had permission from Dumbledore then, but he doesn't think it's a good idea - "
Bellatrix scoffed.
"I wanted to bring Ted here so we could all be together for the whole day, but Dumbledore - "
Bellatrix and Sirius shared a sharp, angry look that communicated clearly what they both thought of Dumbledore at that moment.
"Bellatrix, please..." Andy's eyes watered. Bellatrix felt a flash of guilt. "I'll be here in the evening, we can all spend it together - "
"We won't. Cissy...not coming..."
Andy frowned. "She'll try to get away, Bella, she wants to be there, but she can't get caught sneaking off, you know this."
Cissy with her family, Andy with hers, and Bellatrix would be alone, as always. Sirius would be with her, but he would be thinking of a Christmas spent with Potter instead. Everyone Bellatrix wanted to spend the day with had better places to be, better people to spend their time with. She longed for a Christmas decades ago where the Dark Lord had listened to her, comforted her in his odd practical way. Of an evening sneaking around the Parkinson's gardens with Rodolphus as he opened up to her until he was teaching her how to skip rocks on the fish pond, and they laughed at the way the jewel colored fish scattered with each skip of the decorative pebbles that lined the pond.
"Carrow taught me how to do this," he said when she had asked.
"I didn't think Amycus would have the patience," she said, thinking back to what she knew of him from school.
"Nah, not him. Alecto."
Bellatrix found that more likely, as Alecto had seemed less hot headed than her brother, though it surprised her still.
It felt silly doing something so impractical, especially without magic, but she had to reluctantly admit that there was something satisfying about finally managing to get the pebble to skip off the surface of the pond rather than sink with a loud pop .
Whatever their later problems, Rodolphus had made the holidays more bearable for her, and he had wanted nothing more than to spend them quietly at home with her. Social obligations had made that rarely possible, but the knowledge had warmed her.
But what did she have now? Her Lord was gone - no, he's back, they're keeping me from him - and Rodolphus was... What had happened to him? She didn't know. No one had told her, and she had not had the presence of mind nor the ability to ask. Cissy and Andy had their own families they chose over Bellatrix ( I sacrificed so much for them to have those families, to keep them whole and untouched, and I'm alone, all alone) , and Sirius cared for his godson above all. Draco was a young man, someone she did not know, and he still thought her dead.
And if Potter was going to the Burrow for the holidays, it meant that Hermione would not be coming either, and if she would not be here, neither would Crookshanks. While she did not resent either of them, she could not deny that it stung.
The feeling that she was forgetting someone important tugged at her mind. There was someone else she was missing, someone else who cared for her, who made her feel accepted and seen, but she did not know who.
Andy frowned at her, concerned. "Bella, you do know that Cissy wants to be here, don't you?"
Bellatrix wanted to snap, to snarl, to lash out. To turn her heartbreak into a weapon and slice Andy open with the pain of it. But she clenched her jaw and stopped pacing, forcing her emotions down. Andy was her sister. It was Bellatrix's duty to protect her, to keep her safe and happy. Bellatrix's problems were her own, and she would not burden her sisters with them.
"Yes," she said gruffly and ignored the stab of resentment that Narcissa would always choose Lucius over her.
The kitchen fire crackled and popped, burning low. Bellatrix glanced at the candles on the table, surprised to see how low they had burned. Their after dinner argument had dragged on longer than she had thought.
"Sirius!" called a muffled voice from the hall above, and Bellatrix and Andy looked around toward the kitchen stairs.
"That's Phineas," Sirius said, sounding worried, and he strode toward the steps. "He must have a message from Dumbledore..."
Andy and Bellatrix watched him go. As his footsteps moved along the hallway above and his voice called out for the portrait, Andy turned to her.
"We should go to bed," she said softly.
Not wanting to fight, she gave a jerky nod, transformed back into a wolf, and trotted up out of the kitchen, passed Sirius listening with rapt attention and a grim expression to the portrait of Phineas (" - Dumbledore will be sending Potter and the Weasley children here shortly - "), and up the stairs toward her room. She paused outside her bedroom door when Sirius roared, "GET OUT!"
Bellatrix padded halfway back down the stairs, sniffing and listening. There were people in the kitchen. The Weasley children...Potter... Did that mean Hermione was here? Crookshanks?
"Bella," Andy said, "come back over here."
Bellatrix ignored her, raced back down the stairs to the kitchen and stopped in the doorway, eyes scanning the assembled group. No Hermione. No Crookshanks. A pang of disappointment shot through her chest, and her agitation flared.
A hand grasped a fistful of fur on the back of her neck. Andromeda had caught up with her. "Honestly, Bella," she hissed. When she looked up, her brow furrowed. "Sirius? What's going on?"
Everyone stared at Potter, who was pale and shaky. The children all wore their nightgowns.
"Take Bellatrix out of the room, Andy," Sirius said grimly.
Bellatrix was curious, but the mood in the room was somber, and her interest damped by the absence of Hermione and Crookshanks. She allowed Andy to nudge her from the room.
She thought she heard a faint crack from somewhere above them.
The children stayed overnight in the kitchen with Sirius. In the dead silence of the house, she could hear them occasionally: a chair scraping against the floor, the unintelligible murmuring of voices. Andy slept - a bit fitfully at first, though she calmed when Bellatrix rested her head on Andy's chest.
Bellatrix stared at the door. After her initial disappointment had faded, her intrigue had peaked again. What could have happened? If the Weasley children were here, perhaps something had happened to their parents. But that did not explain Potter's presence. Something at the school? Then why was Hermione not with them?
Unless something had happened to Hermione... Bellatrix shifted and licked her chops nervously. But no...no, surely if something had happened, the children would have been more distraught...surely they would have Crookshanks with them... She refused to consider that anything could have happened to Crookshanks.
An enchanted breeze ruffled her fur and rustled the leaves of the trees on the walls. Normally the illusion of the forest brought her comfort, but tonight her whole body was tense, ears flicking and turning. She shuffled so that she lay more on Andy, covering her with her body. Maybe she could get more information from Phineas...
He did not spend much time in his portrait in Grimmauld Place, but she had seen him from time to time, watching her silently, ignoring the indignant occupants of the portraits he visited.
The forest is an illusion... There are no predators here... Andy is safe...
Bellatrix forced herself to stand, jump down as quietly and gently from the bed as she could, and trotted over to the door. She tried to turn the handle with her paws. The handle didn't budge. She tried again. Still nothing.
Andy must have charmed the door when she wasn't looking. Annoyed, she returned to the bed.
An owl hooted somewhere nearby.
A part of her always knew it wasn't real, but she usually ignored that voice. The thought that something might have happened to Crookshanks - or Hermione - put thoughts of predators in her mind. She was thankful Andy had not had the branches stretch across the ceiling. She did not have to worry about Acromantulas overhead.
This place is safe. Andy made this place. It is safe...
Bellatrix heaved a heavy sigh.
Crookshanks is fine... Hermione is fine... They're both fine...
She dozed fitfully, never fully relaxing. She wasn't sure how much time had passed. All she knew was that it was sometime early in the morning when the front door opened and closed. Minutes later she heard Sirius happily yelling what sounded like Kreacher's name (she must have misheard) and felt herself relax. Whoever just arrived must have brought good news.
The smell of bacon and eggs soon wafted up from the kitchen. Bellatrix stood up on the bed. Andy groaned. Bella bounced beside Andy, shaking her until she growled and sat up, shoving Bella away.
"I'm up, I'm up," she snapped, still groggy.
Andy took her sweet time getting up and getting dressed, despite Bellatrix's attempts to urge her along. After taking a pillow to the face, Bella stood off to the side, whining. She barely restrained herself when Andy opened the door. Nearly vibrating with energy, she trotted beside Andy on the way to the kitchen.
The children were still wearing their nightgowns. Sirius cheerfully placed plates of bacon and eggs in front of them. At one end of the table an exhausted Molly Weasley sat slumped in the chair. She glanced at Bellatrix when she nudged Sirius, trying to get some bacon ("Just a minute, Trixie, I'll get you a plate!" Sirius said with a smile), but there was no hostility in her gaze for the first time. Perhaps she was too tired, if the bags under her bloodshot eyes were any indication.
Andy sat in the chair next to Molly. "I had to keep Bellatrix out from underfoot last night, I haven't been able to keep up with what's happened... Is Arthur alright?"
Bellatrix stopped pestering Sirius, listening intently. Andy had come to the same conclusion she had it seemed - or one of them, at least.
"He's doing alright now," Molly said gratefully. "The healers say he'll make a full recovery... He'll need to stay at St Mungos for at least a week."
Andy turned toward Sirius. "Have you - "
"Already invited them to stay, my dearest cousin," Sirius said, placing a heaping plate of bacon on the floor in front of Bellatrix. He ruffled the fur on the top of her head.
"Thank you," Molly said to Andy. "I hope we aren't imposing on you either..."
Bellatrix could not quite agree, having grown to prefer the relative peace and quiet of just the few people dropping in from time to time, particularly as she worked to become more comfortable in her human form. Perhaps if Crookshanks or Hermione were here she would find it a tolerable price to pay...
She was thankful when Molly took the children to visit Arthur. They were gone for most of the day, which allowed her time to roam the house, taking in all the new smells the children had trekked inside. Fascinating smells, a mix of old and new, familiar and strange. When Molly and the children returned, Bellatrix retreated to her room.
She remained largely hidden away, not liking the sudden influx of inhabitants. Sirius threw himself into decorating, even helping Andy set up a small Christmas tree in her and Bella's room. Bellatrix rolled around in the pine needles that fell to the carpet as they worked.
That evening, Bellatrix caught a whiff of a familiar scent outside their bedroom door. Andy had left it ajar, which had annoyed Bella at first but for which she was now grateful. She scrambled to her feet, panting happily, catching Andy by surprise.
Crookshanks sauntered through the door, stretching and rubbing his side against the door frame as he entered. Bella lapped at Crookshanks face and attempted to worm her tongue between his teeth to lick at the roof of his mouth - a display of trust and affection as greeting, but which always left Crookshanks disgruntled. When he did not oblige her by opening his mouth, she gently enveloped his head between her jaws instead. Crookshanks growled a little, but when she let go, he licked at her cheeks.
A thought struck her: if Crookshanks was here that meant Hermione was too. Bellatrix pranced in place, eager to find Hermione but reluctant to leave Crookshanks. He gave her an exasperated look and strutted out into the hall.
He led her to a closed bedroom door. It was the same one Potter and Ron had stayed in over the summer. Bellatrix could smell them both on the other side of the door and their scent lingered on the carpet beneath them. Mingled with their scents were two others - Ginny and, most importantly, Hermione. Their muffled voices carried through the door.
Bellatrix scratched at the door and whined.
The children went quiet, a tension in the air.
A moment later, Ginny broke the silence, her voice full of mirth. "Your girlfriend is here."
"Honestly, Ginny," Hermione said with good-natured exasperation.
"She's not allowed in here," Potter said abruptly. "We're not talking about this in front of her."
"We're not going to. Relax, Harry, we haven't forgotten what Dumbledore said." Then, louder, as if not realizing that Bellatrix could already hear them, Hermione said, "I'll see you later, Bellatrix. I'm really rather busy at the moment."
Bella's ears drooped. She stopped scratching and leaned against the door with her front paws. She whined, but the children began talking amongst themselves again. She dropped back onto all fours. Crookshanks rubbed against her side, purring. She consoled herself that she would see Hermione soon. And Crookshanks was here! She nuzzled him. Still purring loudly, he headed off to the kitchen, from which delicious smells were beginning to waft up and permeate the whole house.
Bellatrix and Crookshanks curled up near the fireplace, watching Andy and Molly cook. Even the constant underlying tension between them had eased in the face of discussing holiday plans.
"It'll be good to be in London as long as Arthur is in the hospital," Molly was saying. "What are your plans for Christmas?"
"I asked Dumbledore if Ted could come here for the holidays, but he said no. I don't blame him - Ted isn't currently involved with anything for the Order and the less people knowing this place the better - though Ted knew my family's homes, so he has a pretty good idea... I'll be with Ted and Dora at home for the morning, but I'll be back to spend the rest of the day with Sirius and Bellatrix."
Bellatrix raised her head, staring intently. Andy had not mentioned Cissy. Had something changed? Would Cissy not make an attempt to visit after all? Or was she not mentioning Cissy to keep the peace with Molly?
Bellatrix lowered her head, unhappy. Andy gone for half the day, Cissy possibly not showing... She didn't like it. But it was only fair for Andy to be able to go see her mate, even if Bellatrix still did not like him much, wasn't it? She couldn't say why it was that she did not like him - not yet - but Andy did so she supposed that was what really mattered. Probably. She still didn't like it.
She wished she could remember why , specifically, she didn't like Andy's mate. She wracked her brain for the reason, but the only thing that came to mind was: he took Andy away, he's beneath her, doesn't deserve her, he stole her.
There had to be a reason for these thoughts, but none came to mind. That bothered her more. Why wasn't he worthy of Andy?
Because he's a mudblood, whispered a voice in the back of her mind.
Bellatrix paused, expecting to feel a twinge at that thought. She didn't. Another thought came to her: Ted Tonks is a mudblood the same as Hermione Granger. Tonks is not worthy of Andromeda anymore than Granger is worthy of me.
That thought made even less sense - and it disconcerted her slightly that a part of it felt true. It hadn't before. Hermione was kind to her, even when others were not. Hermione had forgiven her after she had hurt her despite others encouraging her to stay away. Did that kindness and trust not merit loyalty and friendship in turn?
She did not get a chance to ponder that question further as Hermione chose that moment to enter the kitchen with Ginny, Ron and Potter. Ignoring them, she leapt to her feet (Crookshanks mewed reproachfully at being disturbed) and bounded straight for Hermione, her previous misgivings forgotten. She jumped on Hermione, nearly knocking her over, and licked her face.
Hermione laughed and then spat when Bellatrix's tongue licked the roof of her mouth. "Gross, Bellatrix!"
She shoved Bellatrix sideways off of her, forcing her back to all fours. She wiped her sleeve across her face, cheeks tinged pink, while Ginny said, with barely suppressed laughter, "Someone's happy to see you."
"It's good to see you too, Bellatrix," Hermione said, shooting Ginny a half-hearted glare. "Andromeda says you've been enjoying the book list I sent."
Bellatrix bobbed her head in a nod. Reading with Andy was almost as good as reading with Hermione. She hoped that Hermione would read to her again while she was here. It struck her that she could ask Hermione now - her speech wasn't great, but she could manage such a simple request.
Andy called her name, distracting her, and set a plate of food on the floor by the fireplace. Bellatrix dove for it, resolving to ask later.
They retired to the drawing room after dinner, which was a lot more pleasant in Hermione's opinion now that the boggart had been dealt with and the desk no longer rattled threateningly. She turned to Andromeda to ask how things had been going - only to stare open mouthed when Bellatrix's whole body seemed to unfurl, and a woman stood where the wolf had been.
Hermione had seen Bellatrix as a woman once before when she had attacked Walburga's portrait - but she had been wild then: dirty, torn clothes, tangled hair, feral eyes. Now though...
Ron, who was entering the room with Harry, did a double take at the sight of Bellatrix and banged his shoulder against the door frame.
Bellatrix was gorgeous. Andromeda and Narcissa had cleaned her up and changed her clothes. Her thick black hair gleamed like silk in the firelight. She wore a tank top, sweatpants and no shoes. The tank top showed off unexpectedly toned and muscular arms and shoulders. She scratched at her stomach, reaching under the hem of the tank top and lifting it to expose a lean stomach and - was that a hint of abs she saw? Before Hermione could look more closely, Andromeda swatted Bellatrix's hand away, and the tank top fell back into place.
Bellatrix growled lightly at Andromeda.
The forest had not been kind to Bellatrix's mind, but it had been very generous to her body.
Bellatrix turned intense gray eyes on Hermione. Logically, she knew those eyes weren't any different than they had been as a wolf, but now, as a woman, those eyes seemed more intense and beautiful than ever. Hermione shivered under her gaze.
She lowered herself to sit on the couch behind her. Her legs felt oddly weak. Maybe something at dinner didn't agree with her. Perhaps she was more tired than she had thought.
Bellatrix took a step toward her. Andromeda grabbed her by the back of her shirt and tugged her to sit down on the couch opposite Hermione. Bellatrix bared her teeth at Andromeda.
While it was funny and endearing to see human traits on the wolfish face, it was disconcerting and eerie to see the wolf on the human face.
"Stop that, Bella," Andromeda scolded. "People don't do that to each other, we've talked about this."
Bellatrix huffed. Then, with some difficulty, her voice rough and sweet - she spoke. "Don't...push. Wanted to...sit there." She pointed to the cushion next to Hermione and glared at Ginny when she plopped into that spot. Harry and Ron sat on Hermione's other side, and Bellatrix's glare deepened. Harry stared back at her defiantly.
"You're sitting with me," Andromeda said in a tone that brooked no argument.
It looked like Bellatrix planned to argue anyway, but Crookshanks hopped into her lap and curled up there, purring. Bellatrix's irritation eased.
Sirius flipped down beside Bellatrix, a picture of careless elegance, and draped an arm along the back of the couch. He scratched behind Crookshanks's ears with his other hand. "Look who decided to show her face."
Bellatrix tilted her head, ran her hand along Crookshanks's back, scratching lightly as she went, and turned back to Hermione. "You...stay?"
"For the holidays," Hermione said, feeling a strange flutter in her chest. Then, not knowing how much Bellatrix understood, she added, "Then I'll be returning to Hogwarts, of course."
Bellatrix frowned, looking disappointed. Hermione felt another flutter in her chest and squirming in her stomach.
"Leave...again?"
"Well, I'm still in school," Hermione said gently, pleased at the idea of someone wanting her around so much. "But I can send more letters if you'd like."
Bellatrix considered it and nodded, looking a bit happier but still saddened.
"How are your studies going?" Andromeda asked, giving Bellatrix a strange sideways glance.
Hermione brightened and launched into a discussion of classes and the things they were learning, spurred on by the interest both Andromeda and Bellatrix showed. After discussing her other classes, she came to Defense Against the Dark Arts.
"It's rather nerve-wracking, honestly, we're not learning anything in class, she keeps saying theoretical knowledge should be enough to get us through our exams." She glanced around to ensure Mrs Weasley was not within earshot, remembering Sirius's warning from Mrs Weasley not to start the group. "We're practicing as best we can, but there's only so much we can do. I just hope it's enough, our exams are so important - "
"The exams are not the be all, end all," Andromeda said. "They certainly make things easier, of course, but there are always other pathways, other doors that can be opened..."
Bellatrix stared at Hermione unblinkingly for a long moment. It seemed like she wanted to say something. Maybe she couldn't find the right words?
"I can..." she started and trailed off, staring at the wall behind Hermione. She blinked and tensed, though Hermione did not understand why.
Andromeda glanced at Bellatrix, followed her gaze, and a strange look flickered in her eyes. It vanished before Hermione could decipher it. She placed a hand over Bellatrix's, and Bellatrix turned to her, her tension easing.
Andromeda focused on Hermione again. "I'm sure you'll be fine. You've found a way to practice, and you're studying hard. I'd be more worried about your less resourceful classmates."
Harry, Ron and Ginny burst out laughing at something Sirius said. Or rather, Ron and Ginny were - on a second glance, Hermione realized Harry was not laughing. He kept a wary and furious eye on Bellatrix.
Once again she got the feeling that Harry knew something she didn't. But she could not imagine what it could be or why Harry would not tell her what it was. Perhaps it was only that he did not agree with Dumbledore's plan and nothing more. Certainly she could understand his hesitance to share a space with a Death Eater. That had to be it...
Hermione continued her conversation with Andromeda, but the comfortable and easy atmosphere was gone. She could not shake the feeling of Harry's glare nor her disappointment when Bellatrix remained tense and closed off.
When they got up to go to bed, she looked behind her, wondering what Bellatrix had been shaken by. There was nothing out of the ordinary. Only the desk, some glass display cases and their contents, and the Black family tapestry, its gold threads gleaming in the firefight.