So, it's been a long break, guys.
I'm going to be honest. This chapter was rough. It didn't cover as much ground as I originally intended to, and it was hard for me to get back into writing this story. I hope I'm not retreading too much emotional territory here, but I have been writing this story… a very long time.
Jess is going to be less than perfect in this chapter and the next one. I'm going to be upfront about that. I've struggled not to make him too Jack Pearson-like, but he's still got a lot of demons and he's been less than equipped to handle them all by himself. We're going to deal with all of that, but it's still an ongoing issue.
As always, any reviews or comments are welcome.
I put myself on retail duty the week of my mid-pregnancy ultrasound.
I wasn't feeling half as much anxiety as I thought I would be. The tests had come back healthy, the book was plugging along steadily (and Jess hadn't even flinched at the Dean-centered chapters he was currently looking over), we were between editing projects, and those lovely second-trimester leg cramps weren't even feeling too overwhelming at the moment. I suppose I could have worked myself into a sweat over the gender reveal, but since Jess and I already assumed our spawn was a girl, it wasn't something either of us were worrying about much at the moment.
My only real problem was that I wasn't entirely sure if I could feel my chocolate-covered banana start to move or not.
I had felt what I had thought were little flutters or ripples for a few days. Then I'd realize that it was gas, or I needed to readjust my pants, or I'd get overcome by a wave of dizziness and I convinced myself I had imagined the whole thing. I wanted to share it with Jess, but I didn't want to tell him until I was absolutely sure it had happened since he wouldn't be able to feel anything for another couple of weeks. So I just let it stew inside my head as I tried to convince myself I wasn't just imagining it.
Maybe I was also a little worried what would happen if we found that it wasn't a girl, or that I was somehow cursed because the pregnancy itself had so far been so uneventful. It gave me a little peace of mind to put it all aside and just concentrate on book recommendations and ringing up the cash register. It felt good to pretend to be a person who wasn't worried about deadlines or deep-pocketed ex-boyfriends or my own barely repressed sense of inadequacy.
Then she walked in.
I didn't recognize her for the first couple of minutes. The last time I had seen Celeste had been almost four years ago in the ballet off-season. She had been wearing jeans and a denim jacket, her hair decked out in braids, friendly and fresh-faced and on way better terms with my extended family than I was at that time. The girl standing in front of me was wearing a gray power suit, her hair elegantly coiffed up, nervously clutching an expensive-looking purse….looking like a less well-adjusted version of the girl I had been a little over a year ago, showing up in Stars Hollow to meet my mother in a little black dress and a set of black boots that had been very uncomfortable on the plane.
I felt very self-conscious in the pants that were close to wearing out their mid-pregnancy date of expiration and my black sweater that barely covered my bump and oh, crap, I couldn't let her see the bump. Jess hadn't wanted to tell her about any of this. Our social media feeds were intentionally black on this topic and all of our friends and family understood why. Had she stopped by because she found out somehow?
Maybe it had nothing to do with that. Maybe I could just hide behind the counter and hope she wouldn't recognize me. It had been four years, after all…
…but why did she want to see Jess, anyway?
"Rory! It's been a long time since I saw you. I didn't know you worked for the press," Celeste said congenially as she strolled up to the counter.
Well, there went that plan. I mentally steered myself up for some drama.
Maybe it wouldn't be that bad. Maybe I could stay behind this counter, and she wouldn't have to know.
"It's a fairly recent development," I replied, shuffling around some papers.
"Are you not freelancing anymore?" Celeste asked. "Last I heard, you were mostly based in Europe. Are you living in Philadelphia now?"
She was so kind. I was living in her apartment, working the job she used to have, sleeping in her bed, having her ex-boyfriend's baby…and she was oblivious to all of it.
For the first time since I had moved in with Jess, I began to feel guilty about usurping her position.
"I've been here for a few months now," I told her, willing my voice to stay calm. "I'm not really involved in journalism anymore."
"She's writing a book for us," Jess announced as he strolled up to the counter. "It's been a while, Celeste. What are you doing in town?"
"I'm in town for a conference at the Convention Center," Celeste replied as she visibly stiffened, her voice taking on a more a haughty tone.
She adjusted her purse, and that's when I saw it on her left hand.
A solitaire engagement ring with an impressive stone.
That's why she was here.
I tried to keep my expression impassive as I glanced at Jess. He didn't seem to have noticed the ring.
He seemed more annoyed by Celeste's presence than anything else.
"In the middle of the week?" Jess asked.
"We're starting tomorrow and will be there until Saturday," Celeste explained. "I'm with the Meridian Group now," she said proudly.
"Moving up in the world," Jess said, his voice taking on a twinge of sarcasm. "Good for you."
"It's been in the works for a while," Celeste responded, seemingly unflustered. "What about you? Are you looking for a better second quarter this year?"
"We've been doing really well, actually," Jess said. "I'm not about to change the company just to bring in more money, but we've got some good releases coming up." He turned to me. "Rory's been great at getting us more exposure in the Midwest and overseas. We're hoping to attend more of the festivals this year, too."
They were obviously trying to one-up each other, and I was somehow caught in the middle. And yet what he said had been one hundred percent accurate. My connections may have dried up as far as it came to my own career, but I was able to help the press.
"Oh, really," Celeste said, tilting her head in my direction. "Are you going to get to Chicago and LA this year?"
"We're going to try to get to LA, but I don't know about Chicago," I said. That festival was two weeks before my due date. Even if they would agree to let me on the plane, I doubt I would be of any use to anyone else on that trip. Jess had already made it clear that he wasn't planning to leave me alone at home when I was that close to delivering.
"So Rory working at the press – it's a permanent thing?" Celeste prodded.
Did she know already? How could she know?
"I'm settling into it while I work on the book, but once that's finished I'm not sure whether I'll keep at it," I told her.
"And Philadelphia? Do you plan to stay here?" Celeste asked.
She obviously knew something.
"There's no need for an interrogation here, Celeste," Jess said. I internally breathed a sigh of relief. "She's staying here. She's staying with me."
Celeste bit her lip. "You mean you two are – "
"Yup," I confirmed.
"How long has that been going on?" Celeste asked in a slightly smaller voice
"A couple of months," Jess said. It was obvious he was losing his patience. "Celeste, we had an agreement, remember? It would have been nice if you had called first."
"I had some news I thought it was better to break in person," Celeste replied, sounding defensive.
"Oh, I noticed," Jess said, pointing out her ring. "How long has that been going on?"
He sounded more drawn than angry, but I knew it wasn't long before he crossed the line.
"It's not really – "Celeste began.
"You came here to tell me, Celeste. So tell me," he countered.
"Since last summer," Celeste said. "We got engaged over Christmas. The wedding's in June. I didn't want you to find out from other people so I thought if I came here it might make it a little easier." She sighed. "Maybe that was a mistake."
"No, Celeste, I'm – "Jess's face seemed to soften. "It's good that you told me ahead of time. I'm glad you're happy."
"You are?" Celeste asked, her voice again taking on that initial uncertainty.
"I am," Jess affirmed.
"How'd you meet him?" I asked, hoping to diffuse the situation. I glanced at Jess. He seemed to have transformed from borderline angry back to merely annoyed. I didn't know if that was a good sign or not.
"He's a lawyer I met through a mutual friend at my firm," Celeste said. She dug her phone out of her purse and showed us a picture of the two of them beaming next to each other in black tie attire. He was African-American and seemed a few years younger than the three of us. "His name's Stephen."
"Your parents like him?" Jess asked. He seemed to stiffen a little.
Celeste nodded. "What about you two?" she asked as she dropped her phone back in her purse. "How do Luke and Lorelai feel about you two being together? I mean, I know they're not married, but technically – "
I grimaced. "Actually, they are married," I clarified. "They finally went through with it last November."
Celeste seemed amused. "Oh, so you two really are cou – "
"Honestly, I would die a happy man if no one ever brought that part of it up again," Jess said. "They've been very supportive, actually."
"And April?" Celeste asked.
"She was a little weird about it at first," but she's adjusted," I replied.
Celeste opened her mouth as if she were about to say something else, but at just that moment Lyle approached the counter and asked about some edits I was holding onto for him.
When I leaned over the counter to hand them to them, I accidentally fell off my stool.
The whole thing happened in two seconds flat. I didn't even have time to panic, and Jess caught me right away.
However, when I stood back up, the little secret I'd been aiming to keep from the ex-girlfriend was immediately outed.
Lyle backed away and headed upstairs while Jess helped me adjust my clothing.
Celeste remained rooted to the spot, mouth open.
It would have been funny if Jess hadn't been so worried, asking me over and over again if I was alright, his protectiveness once again rushing to the surface and overwhelming everything else.
"I'm fine, Jess," I told him insistently as I turned to face the ex. Jess kept his arm around my waist, thought whether it was out of pride or concern for me I couldn't be sure.
"It looks like I'm not the only one who needed to deliver important news is person," Celeste said after a moment of very tense silence.
"We've been kind of keeping it on the down low," Jess said. "You know, just in case."
I saw a distant pain seem to cross Celeste's features, and I immediately felt guilty. Jess's losses had been hers, too. And here I was less than a year later, much further along in my very trouble-free, completely healthy pregnancy. Had we been totally callous? Should we have found a way to tell her about it?
Besides, our reasons for discretion had mostly been on my end. Celeste's knowledge of this pregnancy had absolutely nothing to do with Logan Huntzburger and his family's team of lawyers – or the other secrets they might not want me to divulge.
"I understand," Celeste said in a stunned voice. "Believe me, Jess, I do." She bit her lip again. "Is everything going okay?"
"It is, actually," I said, sharing a grin with Jess. "All the tests have come back perfectly healthy. We go to the doctor the day after tomorrow to find out if it's a boy or a girl."
"A summer baby," Celeste surmised, sounding a tad wistful.
"June," Jess confirmed.
"No change to the relationship status?" Celeste asked with a raised eyebrow.
"We're just living together for now," Jess replied. "We'll see how things go after the baby comes."
Celeste nodded and readjusted her purse. "Well, I'm happy for you guys," she said, sounding slightly insincere. "Sounds like we both got what we wanted, Jess."
The two of us watched as she departed for her hotel as quickly as she had entered.
I had more questions about her now than I ever had before.
Jess and I left the press about half an hour after Celeste had departed. Neither of us were willing to continue with our usual tasks after that encounter.
He was quiet coming home, and I didn't want to push him until I could force him to talk in a setting where it would be more difficult for him to avoid the conversation. Even after everything that had happened, part of me still saw him as he was during our first attempt at a relationship. He didn't physically run from me these days, but he still kept his secrets hidden in order to protect me. So many of our rhythms felt the same, only fuller and more mature like the grown-ups we were supposed to be. But they also reminded me of the person he had been back then, that scared, tortured little boy that lashed out when he didn't know what else to do.
He didn't lash out anymore. He cared for me, he listened, he talked. But he still had secrets. As soon as I thought I had uncovered the darkest of them, I kept discovering that the pit containing them was much darker and more frightening than I had thought it was.
We had been together almost as long now as we had been thirteen years ago. We were quickly approaching the point when it had all fallen apart.
And now there were new insecurities let loose inside my frenzied mind.
I remembered April telling me about Jess's player phase.
We met three of four of them in an afternoon! And they all knew about each other. It was crazy.
The logical part of my brain reminded me that it had been a decade ago, and that Jess was very different now. The crazy, jealous part of me was screaming at me about everything I didn't know about him from the past decade, and it was winning the battle right now.
How much could you really know about a person from living with them for three months? Not everything you wanted to know. Not even close to everything you needed to know.
"Jess," I said, shifting from one foot to another as we stood in the entrance to the kitchen, finally breaking the silence. "We need to talk. Well, I need to pee first, but then we need to talk."
Jess nodded in acknowledgement as he opened the refrigerator.
When I returned from the bathroom, Jess was sitting down on the couch in the living room. He had poured glasses of apple cider for both of us.
I sat down beside him and took a gulp from my glass.
"You have questions," Jess correctly surmised.
I put my glass down and nodded. "Are you okay?" I asked him.
"I'm fine," Jess replied. "How are you feeling?"
It was difficult to remain suspicious of him when he was being his usual thoughtful self.
"I guess I'm a little in shock," I told him. "I wasn't expecting her to show up like that."
"I think shock is the word that describes it for me as well," Jess agreed.
He looked troubled and contrite, almost a little bit beaten. My heart started to soften towards him. Maybe I was really crazy. Maybe it was just my pregnancy hormones going into overdrive. Maybe there was no deeper secret he was hiding from me.
And yet I remembered everything I had learned about him since December. I couldn't bring myself to trust that there wasn't more.
"You didn't seem that surprised to see her," I said.
Jess ran his hand through his hair. "I knew it might happen eventually," he admitted.
"You mentioned that you two had an agreement," I said. "What did you mean by that?"
"We agreed that we wouldn't show up at each other's homes or workplaces unless we called or let the other person know first," Jess explained. "Celeste lived here for years. It's not really my business if she's in this city or I'm in hers. But if we were going to be in each other's spaces, we had to call first."
"Is there a reason you set it up specifically that way?" I asked him gently.
Jess ran his hand through his hair. "It's like I told you before, Rory," he said wearily. "It wasn't a clean break. I've got a business and a life here, and if she didn't want to be a part of it – well, she's got to stick with that decision."
What did that mean?
My stomach began to twist itself around in violent knots.
At the same time, I felt that rumbling that might or might not be movement. It disappeared as quickly as it had come.
It was completely unfair that the universe was dumping this probably imaginary dilemma on me in the middle of my pregnancy.
"Did she – "
Jess turned to me, and took my hand in his. Those chestnut eyes, once again so honest and open.
What exactly did I want from this conversation?
I began again. "Did she not abide by that agreement in the past?" I asked in a small voice.
Jess sighed. "We had a few slip ups," he said. "On her side and on mine. It was too easy to talk ourselves out of it if we just continued to talk on the phone. At the end, it was more like we were weaning ourselves off of an addiction that we hated ourselves for. I haven't seen her for a long time, though."
"How long?" I asked.
"March, I think," Jess said. "No, that's not right. It was April – I remember we had a book launch for that graphic novel from Greta Sebastian last year. We had an event in Queens. That's the last time I saw her."
"And other than that?" I asked. "Have you talked to her since then? Texted?"
Jess looked at me in alarm. "I don't have feelings for Celeste, Rory," he insisted. "I'm with you. I love you. We're having a kid together."
"Just answer the question, please," I said in a small voice.
Jess sighed. "She e-mailed me back in December," he said. "It was perfunctory, nothing personal. Didn't mention the fiancé. I e-mailed back out of obligation. That's it."
"When exactly in December?" I asked. "Before Christmas?"
"It was the week before you had the scan," Jess affirmed. "I was kind of a mess that week. I didn't think it would bother you. I didn't want to bring anything to your attention that would cause any more stress. And then we got so wrapped up with the miscarriage talk, and it kind of slipped to the back of my mind." He scoffed at himself. "I'm not sure why. I should have told you, Rory. I'm sorry."
The knots in my stomach slowly began to unfurl themselves.
I shifted closer to him on the couch. "Look, Jess, we're still setting the boundaries here. I'm not your wife. I'm not your fiancé. I don't know what you're comfortable with when it comes to your exes. If you're texting or you're talking to her on a regular basis, then I'm going to have a problem with it, but I'm not threatened by an impersonal Christmas message." I removed my hand from his.
"But you are threatened by something," Jess guessed.
"I don't know," I told him honestly.
"Rory – "
"I don't, Jess!" I exclaimed. "I'm standing there trying to mediate this argument between the two of you and you're both trying to one-up each other about whose life is better and I don't know what's going on. I just need to understand. It's like you're trying to prove yourself to her, and it's got nothing to do with me. And I don't think it necessarily goes along with an absence of feeling."
"Oh, Rory," Jess said, placing his hand on my knee. "You've got it all wrong. That wasn't about her and me. It's about the business."
"She's got a lot of opinions about the press," I said, willing my voice to stop shaking just as I began to convince myself that I should try to believe him.
"Celeste's got a head for business, and she's very ambitious," Jess said. "She had a lot of ideas for what she wanted Dodger to accomplish. I didn't agree with most of them. She would say she wanted a better life for both of us, but I didn't agree with what she thought was better. And in the end, she wanted me to leave it all behind and join her in New York. I still don't think she understood why I didn't want to."
"I'm trying to help you expand, Jess," I pointed out.
"You are, Rory," Jess said. "By helping us get our books out to where more people can have access to them. It's not about money or presence or forcing the press to become more mainstream. That was Celeste's thing. If I had a problem with what you're doing for us, I would tell you. I'd never humor you and let you lead the press astray. The Menendezes would kill me."
"It still worries me, Jess," I told him, beginning to feel a little silly. "Stepping into the job she used to have, along with everything else I have that she wanted. Sometimes I wonder if Lyle and Eric are just humoring me."
"I took on your project because I believed in it," Jess said, his eyes intensely focused on mine. "I talked to Lyle and Eric about it first. Nothing happens without going through all three of us. They're not humoring you. They believed in it, too."
"Working at the press is different, though," I argued. "You didn't suggest that until we were together. I mean, what do they think about bringing all your girlfriends into the fold there? It can't be just something they accept."
"Lyle's ex-boyfriend used to work retail and set up contracts for us," Jess said. "I met Lyle through him, actually – his graphic novel was the second one we put out."
"Pieter Marsh," I mused, remembering his name from a conversation I had with Lyle a few weeks ago.
"This is a close-knit outfit," Jess said. "We're not opposed to our partners working here. Lyle and Eric accepted Celeste joining us because they liked her, and when she was here she did good work for us. She quit after I stopped taking her suggestions. Lyle and Eric don't have a problem with you helping us get our books out to more people. I know that our authors don't, either. And if you feel you don't want to do it anymore, Rory, or it gets too hard for the two of us to work together – that's a decision we'll make when it comes. But I don't feel that way right now, Rory. Do you?"
"No," I admitted. "I don't know if I always want to work there, especially when I've got an infant to take care of, but it's been a pretty good experience so far." I looked at him cautiously. "If Lyle and Eric had a problem with me – "
Jess sighed. "Then we'd discuss it," he said. "They certainly don't have a problem with you right now."
"I'm glad," I clarified. Jess removed his hand from my knee and took a sip of cider from his glass.
"I'm not nearly done with my questions," I reminded him.
"I figured," Jess said, putting his glass back down.
"Were you upset about her being engaged?"
"I wasn't," Jess said. "I kind of expected it, actually. I'm not so sure she wasn't coming to rub it in my face. If that's the case, I wish she would have called. But the answer is no. I'm glad she's happy."
"And the baby – "
Jess sighed again. "I didn't really want her to find out about that," he said. "Not in the way that it happened, anyway."
"It was an accident," I told him. "If I hadn't slipped, I wouldn't have told her myself. It's not just that you didn't want to, Jess, it's just – I didn't want to hurt her in that way."
"I didn't want to, either," Jess said, and I saw a distant hue of regret slip into his gaze. "Maybe it was cowardice, or a conversation I was trying to avoid that I shouldn't have. It's just – "He shrugged. "There's no easy answer. I would have wanted to wait until after the baby was born, though. And I definitely would have called first."
"It did hurt her, Jess," I said insistently. "I know you say you don't think she grieved like you did, but – I know she wasn't expecting that."
"My inability to understand what Celeste was going through isn't something I'm particularly proud of," Jess agreed. "But I think you're right. She'll be okay. We've both moved on. It's not a sad outcome." He smiled and put his hand back on my knee.
"What did she mean by saying that you both got what you wanted?" I asked cautiously.
"Rory, I – "Jess began.
"Tell me," I pleaded, placing my hand over his. I wanted him to know that I wouldn't judge him for whatever came next.
I wanted myself to know it, too. Even if I didn't think I was capable of it.
"Celeste was pushing for marriage during the last couple of months," Jess said. "The entire last year, actually. It got worse after the miscarriage."
"And you didn't want to," I guessed.
Jess shook his head. He removed his hand from my leg and shifted further down the couch.
That anguished look had crept back into his features, the one that I'd only seen the previous Christmas, when he confessed to me all the things that he had lost and been afraid to share with me.
I wanted to hate him for withholding this from me almost as much as I wanted to hate myself for making him relive it.
But I'd gotten used to being twisted in his fears and secrets as much as he was used to being twisted in mine. He might have feared it would frighten me away, but I knew now that it wouldn't. Maybe this was a new form of intimacy, a creeping, dark, insidious kind, but it belonged to us now. I couldn't hate either of us for getting used to it.
But Jess still needed to know he couldn't twist away in his own direction anymore. Even if he was telling himself he was doing it for me.
"That's not what you told me before," I said. "Jess, you told me that you wished you had pushed for marriage because you would have found out then that the two of you weren't suited for each other. And now you're telling me that she pushed for it?"
"That was afterwards," Jess whispered.
"I know that, Jess," I admonished him. "That's the other part of the story you didn't tell me two months ago. Why am I just finding out about it now?"
"Because I was ashamed," Jess said, looking down at his hands. "I shouldn't have felt angry at her for not grieving the miscarriage in the way that I did. I shouldn't have resented her for not wanting children. I should have wanted to marry her despite all of that. But I didn't feel that way. I was the shittiest boyfriend in the world and then a year later I get you, and you like the way that I live my life, and you want me the way that I want you, and you get pregnant and it turns out that you want that baby, too. I got everything that I wanted with someone I wanted it with, and sometimes I think that I don't deserve any of it."
"That isn't true, Jess," I told him. I struggled to scoot myself closer to him, placing my arm around his neck to stroke his hair. "None of it. I was a mess before you came back into my life. I've spent the past two years fucking up in as many ways as I possibly can. The only reason I'm even going to be halfway capable of being an author and a mom is because of what you gave me. None of that would ever have been possible if you hadn't experienced what you see as failures with her. But you do deserve us, Jess. Both of us. Me and your daughter."
Jess placed his hand on my bump. "I can't believe it, sometimes," he said in an incredulous voice. "That it's actually happening. It doesn't seem real."
"I'm pretty much like that every single day," I confessed. "But Jess, we can't maintain what's good between us if you're still keeping the big things from me. I know you're trying to be strong and you want to protect me, but you don't always need to. I'm not afraid of you or the life you had before me. As long as you're here with me, that's all that matters."
Jess turned his face up to mine. "I am here with you, Rory. I may not be perfect, but I'm trying."
I reached up to kiss him, melting into his mouth, feeling a cocoon surround us like his presence always did. "I know you are."
We slipped into a companionable silence, my shoulder on his, him lightly rubbing my stomach. I still couldn't feel the baby move.
Maybe she already knew this moment between her parents was far from over.
"I don't think you were a shitty boyfriend," I told him after a few minutes. "You both wanted things from each other that neither of you were capable of giving. And I will rue the person who put the thought into your head that you didn't deserve good things as a result of it."
I heard him scoff. "It's a good thing you never met Celeste's parents," he said. "It wasn't just them, though. Luke and I went around and around on it."
I lifted my head to look him in the eye. "Luke? Really?"
Jess, looking slightly more at peace, nodded. "I thought if I was a better man, I could get over the things that were holding me back. That I could get over not wanting to marry her because of all the things we didn't have in common. That I could talk myself into being in love with her again. That I could live with the fact that I would never have the kids that I wanted."
"So, love, happiness, a happy marriage, parenthood…those are all things that you should live without… that's a thought that Luke put into your head?"
"Those thoughts were already in my head," Jess clarified. "Luke knew I was struggling. I guess he knew part of me still wanted to stay with her, even if only out of obligation. He told me that he knew he would never be good enough for Lorelai to be the person that her parents wanted, but he would give her everything that he had to give anyway. The only reason that he didn't propose was because Lorelai didn't want him to." Jess stopped and cleared his throat. "He told me that he had to give up some of the things he wanted to be with her. And if I really loved Celeste, I should do the same."
I remembered Lane's comments about Mom and Luke never having kids of their own. I remembered their own attempts to manifest a ready-made nursery in the event of my supposedly inevitable breakup with Jess, and how Lane had insisted the situation wasn't as much about me as I thought it had been.
I had considered before that maybe they had tried to have children and had failed, but maybe it wasn't that simple.
Had Luke wanted kids with my mom when she didn't? Had Mom simply changed her mind a few years too late?
"Did they ever talk to you about having kids?" I asked Jess. "Mom and Luke, I mean."
"No," Jess answered. "I think that's mostly what he meant, though."
"You contemplated it, though," I surmised. "What Luke asked of you. You considered it."
"I did," Jess said. "I don't have the same insecurities he does, though. It didn't matter if Celeste's parents didn't think I was good enough, or that she was constantly telling me that I wasn't. I don't think of that way of life as better than mine. I just didn't love her. I couldn't talk myself back into it. I tried to make it work, but I couldn't. And I didn't want to accept that I was never going to be a dad."
"Grandma doesn't think that way about Luke, you know," I reminded him. "Grandpa didn't, either. They pushed a little hard on the franchising, but they got around to accepting him a long time ago. Grandma was the one who was pushing for them to get married all of these years."
"It's a complicated topic," Jess said evenly. "I don't think your grandparents really understand just how complicated it is for the rest of us."
I wanted to linger on that, but I was almost too wrung out. And I knew we weren't finished yet.
Besides, Jess was right. It was complicated. I still wasn't even close to getting around to thinking of it as a possibility in my own life.
I lay my head back down on Jess's shoulder, feeling too tired too look him in the eye. "It was over between you and Celeste in February?" I asked.
"One year ago last week," Jess confirmed
"You didn't say anything last week," I pointed out, twirling his hair around the base of my finger.
"It barely passed through my mind," Jess said. "I just remember looking at the calendar and remembering how relieved I was when it happened, and how guilty I felt about feeling that. And how now I knew what it was to actually be happy and be looking forward to the future. I couldn't even remember how it had felt to feel as hopeless as I did back then."
Until I reminded him of his demons, that is.
"You still spent Valentines Day alone," I mused. "That couldn't have been too happy of an occasion."
Jess was silent.
That awakened all of my senses. "You didn't?" I asked him, feeling half shocked and half ridiculous. "Did you go back to her?"
"I didn't," Jess said, sounding a tad defensive. "I hooked up with someone. Someone I'd been with before."
"Do I know her?"
"Rory."
"Well – "
"It's Belinda," Jess admitted, sounding like he dearly wanted this part of the conversation to be over.
"Belinda from the distributor's?" I asked. "Jess, we talk to her at least three times a week. I've had lunch with her twice. You couldn't let me in on that piece of information?"
"Look, Rory, it was nothing," Jess said flatly. "We were never in a relationship at any point, and we were only together a few times after Celeste and I split up. Her divorce had just been finalized, and I just…I was lonely. I wasn't in a place to start anything serious, and I was lonely. She just moved in with someone else and we've remained friends. That's all."
"That's just not how I picture you, Jess," I told him. "Every time I popped into Philadelphia to see you, you always had a serious girlfriend. I was the one who was flighty."
"You weren't around all the time, Rory," Jess reminded me. "I never pretended to be celibate after Celeste left. I'm not a saint. And for full disclosure, I was with her a few times after we split up. It stopped by March, but we did go back a few times. That's why we have that stupid agreement."
"Which you said neither of you abided by," I reminded him.
"Like I said, it was bad for us," Jess said. "We put the agreement in place so we wouldn't be drawn back into each other's orbit, but if we just ignored it, it was easy to pretend that we maybe could work things out. Lyle and Eric thought I was insane. They told me they didn't want her around the press. Eventually we started spending just enough time around each other that we remembered that we didn't really like each other at all anymore. It got easier after that. And then I reconnected with you again."
"I'm not comfortable with that, Jess," I told him. "Not at all. Was the agreement the only thing that was keeping you away from each other?"
Jess sighed. "No, it was the fact that remaining in stasis had lost its appeal for both of us," he clarified. He looked me in the eye. "Rory, I know you've been there. You spent the past couple of years sleeping with someone you had broken up with a long time ago. You know that pull of the familiar, even if it's bad for you and doesn't make sense. And you both were involved with other people, too. That doesn't make me doubt you. Why does it make you doubt me?"
"Because it's not – "I began.
"I'm not living up to the image you have in your head?" Jess asked. "You as the flighty, unpredictable one, me as the stable, mature person who knows how to make this stuff work?"
"Kind of," I admitted. "All of this is really popping the bubble for me, Jess."
"I think I've given you plenty of reason to know for a fact that I have a less than perfect track record," Jess said. "I'm trying, Rory, but I still fuck up. Maybe I should have told you about Belinda, but I was a wild kid when I first got to this city, and there's still lots of people I'm friendly with that I used to know in more intimate ways. I've lived in the same place for twelve years and that's just a consequence of that. I know I could run into your exes in any city in this country, and it doesn't bother me."
"I'm not this wild, promiscuous person, Jess," I grumbled. "Maybe you've got to adjust your image of me as well."
Jess remained silent.
"I'm not," I insisted. "I never even had a one night stand until last year."
"Maybe that's the difference between you and me," Jess said. "You want to know all of this stuff that happened in my past, and I'd be perfectly fine if I didn't have to ever think about yours."
"Does it threaten you?" I asked him."
"No," Jess said. His brown eyes turned to me, and he reached up to stroke my hair. "I have never doubted or judged you for a minute, Rory Gilmore. And I hope I've never given you a reason to doubt me. I've never been unfaithful to anyone I've been with and I would never dream of doing that to you. You know the way I'm built, and it doesn't involve that."
"I still need to know the important things, Jess," I told him. "I know it's hard for you, but please don't feel that you need to hide anything from me because you're scared or you're ashamed. Just try to be open with me about the difficult stuff, okay? That's all I ask."
"I'll try," Jess promised. "I can't say I won't fall down on the job half the time, but I'll keep trying. You'll just have to keep kicking my ass every time I do."
I lay my head back down on his shoulder, feeling his heartbeat start lull me to sleep.
"It's a deal," I mumbled to him as I started to creep towards unconsciousness.
My last thought was that I only hoped that someday soon I'd be able to convince him that he was as worthy of our family as we were of him.