The following morning Hailey got out of bed early. After she was finished dressing, she took a deep breath and opened the door to the living area.
She frowned. Orange light fell through the large windows of the living room, bathing the space in a soft glow.
But no James…
Her eyes fell on the pillow and folded blanket on top of the sofa. They were still in the same place where she'd put them yesterday. It seemed James' night had been similar to hers.
After hours of tossing and turning, she'd just laid in bed, watching the rain outside of her bedroom window until light broke through the darkness. Now that she stopped to think about it, there was a good chance James had been the one that caused the change in weather.
"Hello?" she called out as she walked towards the kitchen. James was nowhere to be found. Sighing, she forced herself to grab a bite to eat and opened the fridge. Besides a bottle of wine and some pesto in a jar, it was empty.
Crap.
She opened a couple of cabinets but found nothing remotely edible. When Hailey heard a rustling noise, she walked towards the living area.
James had just entered the room. Wearing his black leather-synth jacket, black jeans and combat boots, he looked beautiful and dangerous… but for the bags of groceries he held in his hands. The almost awkward way he was carrying them was so completely out of character, it made her heartbeat flutter. When she met his gaze, she immediately became aware of that lump in her throat, her stomach knotting tightly.
Careful, Hales. You fell so fast for him and crashed so hard… Careful.
Unable to speak, Hailey held out her hands and James handed her the bags. Her movements stiff, Hailey took them to the kitchen and placed them on the countertop. She stared at the cream white cupboards until she found her voice again, her hands shaking while she systematically started to put away the groceries. "Thank you."
Having him close hurt, his vicinity as painful as his absence because she wasn't able to get what she needed from him. Though, she wasn't sure if she wanted to act on that need now. After all, it had only brought her heartache to the point where she'd been a broken shell for weeks.
When the bags were empty, Hailey took an apple out of the wooden fruit bowl and found she was unable to eat, her stomach flipping at the closeness of him. After sucking in a deep breath, she finally found the courage to turn around and face him.
James stood in the doorway of the kitchen, filling the frame with his tall, muscular body. He frowned as he took her in from head to toe. It reminded her of the first day they'd met. Only then his face hadn't been this expressive.
And he hadn't been hers.
Stomach tightening even more at that thought, Hailey stared at the apple as she fumbled the stem. James wasn't hers.
Not anymore.
"I only requested the drop-off," James said.
Hailey nodded as she stared at her fingers, the stem torn from the apple. She put it on the countertop. When she noticed James closing the distance between them, her shoulders tensed as her head snapped up.
"Hailey, I–"
Hailey quickly interrupted him, his voice abrasive to her confused senses. She was unable to listen to his excuses, unable to stay strong as she felt her foundations shake under her feet at the bare sight of him. "What now?"
James paused, darkness in the azure of his eyes. "I've ordered a protective unit to secure the area around the clock."
She shook her head. "No," resolve in her voice. "I don't want to be guarded like I'm in witness protection."
Their eyes connected again, the impact of his gaze sending shivers down her spine. Lesser men would crumple at that stare, at the command in his voice. To Hailey, it only fueled her determination to counter him every possible way. He'd had the chance to contribute to her life and make decisions with her. He'd chosen to forfeit that right.
"I want to be alone."
"You know I'm not going to leave you with this threat," steel in his voice, his body on edge.
Hailey swallowed past the lump in her throat and put the apple on the countertop, crossing her arms in front of her chest to hide her shaking hands. "You're not my keeper. You don't get to decide over my life."
James' shoulders stiffened and Hailey saw a muscle ticking in his jaw, a sign of him losing his cool. "You're being stubborn and irrational." The words were a whip.
Anger uncurled inside of her. "Maybe I am," she admitted through gritted teeth, "but you're not listening." She defiantly stuck out her chin. "I want to be alone. Just like I have been for the past weeks."
When Hailey saw James' eyes narrow, she felt a sting in her heart. She knew she was being a bitch but she couldn't deal, couldn't bear being in the same room with him when her desire for him and her anger at him were battling for first place.
What if he leaves again? What'll be left of me then?
She had to protect her broken heart, or it would tear apart. The insecurity that thought incited also amped up her anger a little more, her hands curling into fists. "Fine. If you won't leave, then I will." Without waiting for his response, she walked to the opening of the door. James stepped forward and moved as if to reach out.
Hailey snapped, the plates and glasses ringing in the cupboards. Looking up, she saw his eyes gleam.
"Don't," her voice ice cold as her heart slammed in her chest.
When James stepped back, his hand dropped to the side of his body. Hailey made her way to the small hallway and put on canvas sneakers and a coat.
After grabbing her backpack, she opened the front door and dared to look back into the living area. Her torn heart thudded heavily in her chest when she saw James stand in the middle of the room, watching her, his silhouette surrounded by soft orange light.
She bit her lip to stop herself from walking towards him and closed the door behind herself with a quiet snick.
James violently slammed down his Tk. Only his Arrow discipline prevented him from breaking something to release the tension in his body. He paced through Hailey's small apartment, the sound of his boots on the wooden floor resonating through the space with every step.
He messed up. He ruined the beautiful thing between them with his drive to protect her. His fists tightened at the memory of the look she had given him when he'd tried to reach out, to touch her.
"Don't."
Hard and hurt, deep brown devoid of jade and gold. Hailey had never repudiated his touch, had always given him the liberty to hold her. Only now that he was deprived of it, he understood the privilege she had extended.
Intimate skin privileges, the changelings called it. His relationship with Hailey had consisted of even more than just physical intimacy, the deep emotional connection between them unlike anything he'd ever experienced. And now it was gone.
It had been agonizing to stay away from her the past weeks, to constantly miss her, but James had a goal in mind and was unwilling to jeopardize Hailey's safety for his selfish need. Eighteen days after the precognition when he'd sensed Hailey was safe, another vision had appeared in his dreams, showing him that some parts of the initial vision had altered, but the ending–Hailey's death–was the same. A day later, he'd known. His lack of interaction with her hadn't influenced the timeline sufficiently, which was why the logical move was for him to return to protect her.
Even though the protective detail he'd set on her had briefed him about Hailey's every move, he hadn't been able to stay away entirely, especially not after the visions of her death had kept coming. Every time he saw her run through the streets of the city, he'd wanted to go to her, to hold her. Every time he saw the dark circles under her eyes and the paleness of her skin, he'd wanted to comfort her, let her know he hadn't left her.
Yesterday morning, he had watched her walk out of the hospital after visiting her friend Shane. Skin pulled taut over her cheekbones and her eyes solid brown, it was as if the very life he wanted to keep safe was fading more and more every day. He'd decided it had been enough. Staying away was torturing him as much as it was hurting her. Therefore he set things in motion to return to her.
James had never experienced pain the way he had as he watched Hailey break in front of him the night he'd left. Everything he'd said hadn't been a lie; he'd made sure to select his words carefully. But her response had been brutal, to the point where he hadn't trusted himself to respond accordingly… and he'd left.
"You've had me once, right? And now you're done? Tell me I was a decent fuck, nothing more!"
He'd hated that she believed he'd only used her for her body, hated that she thought their connection was reduced to physical exchanges. Just thinking about her words caused his stomach to roil. Even if it was better for her, he hadn't been able to say the words that would have severed all ties between them. She'd demanded him to say it, but he hadn't been able to get the words past his lips and tell her he didn't want her.
Somehow, knowing he hadn't said those words had given him hope. And his relief had been immense when her eyes had sparked at him when he returned. Exasperation and fury intertwined, her hands fisted and her chin held high, jade and gold blazing in her eyes.
That relief had lasted only a brief moment. When she'd spoken, her voice raw and eyes lost, James had understood. Her pain, it was deep and profound–just like her love had been.
And the worst thing was that she'd been right. He'd always been the one to seize control over their relationship whenever he felt like the reins were slipping. It was an instinctive response to protect himself, to protect her. But Hailey always called him out on his behavior, always challenged him, and even though it was infuriatingly frustrating she was still willing to counter him now. Her pain didn't weaken her but made her stronger as she used her negative emotions as a power source.
Never in his life had James met anyone with powers akin to Hailey's. The power to drain and utilize other people's abilities. The power to bring him to his knees.
The power to strengthen her shields against you, as she should have done from the start.
James clenched his jaw and stared out of the window. He watched Hailey walk through the street just as she looked over her shoulder and up at the window. Their eyes connected and she froze for a second. Then she continued walking, mingling into the crowd.
A telepathic knock sounded in his mind from Aurelia, one of the Arrows responsible for Hailey's security. Sir. Should I tail her?
James thought about Hailey's request to be left alone and felt every cell in his body reject that option. Yes. Report back when she reaches her destination. James decided he'd watch over Hailey when she'd pause to stay somewhere.
Yes, sir.
Now that he was back he couldn't let her go so easily. Even right this moment, he found it extremely difficult staying in her apartment, waiting. He replayed the conversation they'd had yesterday and heard her words echo inside his mind, just like they had all night.
"Do you think I'm that desperate?"
Hailey didn't realize she wasn't the desperate one. He would crawl through fire if she demanded it from him. He'd do anything for her, anything for her forgiveness. And he deserved every last bit of her sharp anger, deserved to be crushed under her jagged pain.
Checking the apartment security while doing a mental exercise to pass time, James walked through the living area. He placed small sensors on the windows that would send an alarm to his timepiece if someone tried to break into her apartment. He also placed several tracking devices in Hailey's sneakers. The trackers were the size of a gain of rice–Hailey would never notice them, and he would be able to locate her if she was in need.
Walking over to her bedroom to place another sensor on the window frame, he turned around to take in the space. The bed was neatly made up with a soft pink duvet on top. Two guitars hung above the bed, the smooth surface of the instruments gleaming in the sunlight that shone through the window.
He traced the cast iron frame of the bed with his fingers. Memories of Hailey's naked body pressed against his appeared in front of his mind's eye.
Stop. She can't even bear to speak to you, let alone touch you.
He fisted his hands and continued the security sweep of her bedroom. A noise in the living area snapped James out of his thoughts and he sent out a telepathic scan. Frowning at the familiar psychic presence, he walked through the door to find Vasic standing in the center of the room, holding a duffel bag. James remembered he'd provided the Tk-V with an image lock of the inside of Hailey's apartment in case of an immediate threat.
"Since you're inside the building, I assumed I didn't have to leave it outside." Vasic handed him the duffel.
Arching his eyebrow, James lay the bag in front of the window, next to the piano. "Are you considering a new profession?" He turned towards his fellow Arrow. "Hailey once told me there are humans that perform for others, telling jokes. Apparently, it pays well if you're good."
A twitch in the corner of Vasic' mouth was the only indicator of his broken Silence. "How is she dealing with your return?"
James thrust his hand through his hair, his muscles taut. "Not well."
Vasic shoved his one hand in the pocket of his cargo pants and quietly observed him. James leaned against the wall next to the window. He'd told Vasic about the threat to Hailey's life and had been granted access to the Arrow's resources to guard her. Both Aden and Vasic understood the risk if someone was able to get their hands on Hailey and use her for her abilities. The mere thought made his muscles lock even tighter. James would do anything he could to stop his visions from happening.
"She's angry," Vasic guessed.
James shook his head. "'Angry' is understated." He gritted his jaw. "I hurt her."
"You knew that your departure would instigate this response from her."
"Yes." It had been a calculated move on his end, but now that he'd seen her pain, felt her emotions filling the room when she'd spoken, James knew his choices had been wrong. Hailey had trusted him and he'd broken that trust.
James looked up at Vasic. "I don't know how to make it right."
Vasic' winter grey eyes seemed to soften, understanding in his expression as he stepped closer and looked out of the window. "Ivy says you should talk to her." James shot Vasic a look. Vasic ignored him and continued. "She believes if you'll speak from the heart, Hailey will listen."
Staring at the wall covered with sheet music in dark frames placed decoratively around a mounted brass bookcase, James thought about that advice. He'd already tried explaining his motivations, his feelings to Hailey. He replayed their conversations in his head again.
When he realized what he'd done, James shut his eyes as he leaned his head back against the wall–resisting the urge to repeatedly smash his skull against the hard surface. Resentment for himself burned through every fiber of his body.
You idiot.
His protective urges had led him to push himself into her space, into her life again. Everything he'd said and done so far had made Hailey's hackles rise, had made her defiant and angry all over at him.
You know her better than to simply accept whatever you decide. You know she'll stand up for herself when she doesn't agree.
No wonder she'd remained distant and hurt. He'd given her nothing of what she needed and had acted on his own drives to keep her safe. If he kept going at this pace, he'd surely lose her.
That is, if you haven't lost her already.
James wanted to hit himself for his stupidity but before he could act on the impulse, Aurelia's telepathic hail broke through his thoughts. Sir, I'm sending through the location.
A ping in his mental vault. He opened the message and confirmed the location. Thank you. I'll be there shortly.
He looked up at Vasic. "Are you able to give me a lift?"
Vasic shot him a look.
"Not now," James answered, his face grim. "I'll need your help with that later."
Vasic remained silent when James sent him the visual lock of Aurelia's location. A moment later the air around them shimmered, and they appeared next to Aurelia.
Close to Hailey's height, Aurelia was a slender young woman with porcelain skin and freckles. Her straight, blond, shoulder-length hair was covered by a black cap of a local sports team. She removed her large sunglasses, revealing striking amber eyes. The genetic trait was bestowed upon her older brother as well, who also happened to be a member of the Squad.
James had mentored Aurelia only briefly when she'd been a teenager, hand-picked by Ming to join the Squad. She was an intelligent young woman, but James had instantly recognized the haunting shadows in her eyes. Aurelia, too, had her demons.
Aurelia inclined her head towards both of them. "Sir," she directed to James, "she's gone into the bookstore. There's no back exit. Tom has a visual on her."
James looked to the other end of the narrow street and saw a gleaming gold sign above the door of the small store.
Thank you, Aurelia. You are dismissed. Get some rest.
Aurelia inclined her head again and left, blending into the crowd. In the back of his mind James noted Aurelia didn't incite the same response he did. Humans and changelings didn't give her a second look, her ability to make herself invisible a valuable one; it made her extremely suitable for undercover operations.
James looked at Vasic, while noting several civilians glancing at the two of them. Perhaps one of them could pull off an undercover operation in human or changeling territory, but both of them standing together? Definitely not. Besides that, Vasic was too high profile since he'd been noticed by the media during the massive outbreaks of insanity in the Net.
Putting his thoughts aside, James focused on Vasic. "Send Ivy my thanks."
"Good luck," were Vasic' parting words as he teleported away.
James walked over to the bookstore. When he entered the building, he found it to be surprisingly large. A curved stairway led to a second floor where rows of book cabinets filled the space. There were narrow ladders connected to the cabinets in order to reach the highest shelves.
He inclined his head towards a male standing to the left of the entrance. Mid-fifties, wearing civilian clothes, Tom was an expert at undercover and stealth missions. James made another mental note to pair up Tom with Aurelia.
Sir. Second aisle to the left.
Thank you. You may return to your post.
Yes, sir.
James walked through the aisles on the ground floor and saw several pricy first editions. Hardcopy books were expensive. Most people used their organizers, datapads or mental vaults to store literature. Most Psy saw books as useless, since they were able to access almost all the information books contained in the Net.
Even though James was a technician, he understood books held more value than most Psy believed. Especially because Silence was broken, there was a lot of information unknown to most Psy; the former Council had blocked a substantial amount of literature on the Net. Information about emotions and relationships for starters–hence the reason for manuals on physical intimacy, which were currently distributed hand to hand. Though, given the current circumstances, it probably wouldn't take long for that information to appear on the PsyNet.
Walking towards the back of the store, James spotted Hailey sitting on her haunches, running her index finger over the embossed silver letters on the spine of a large book. She froze when he was a few feet away from her, as if she'd felt his presence. Rising to stand, a small blue book in her hand, her dark eyes suspiciously took him in.
When she would have opened her mouth, James spoke. "Please, listen to me," he pitched his voice soft and low for their conversation to remain private.
When he closed the distance between them, Hailey's shoulders stiffened, but she stood her ground and tipped up her chin. James' heart clenched at the thought of having lost her, having pushed her away too far this time. Her index finger tapped on the book and he felt a surge rush through his body at the memories of Hailey's impatience. Slamming down the violent emotions that would be most unhelpful in his attempt to reason with her, he shifted on his feet and clasped his wrist behind his back.
"I know I made the wrong decision," he started. "I'm pushing you because I want you, I need you to be safe." He paused and searched for the right words. "You're the most important thing in my life. I can't let anyone hurt you."
When he noticed Hailey's lower lip tremble, James wrenched in all his urges to pull her into his embrace, his hand clenched tightly around his wrist. She remained quiet and observed him with big, brown eyes. "Let me protect you."
She kept looking at him, her eyes stormy with emotion. Long moments passed as his heart slammed rapidly inside his chest.
Nervous.
Yes, he was nervous of her response, an emotional sensation he couldn't ever remember having. He wasn't sure if he would be able to let her go if she requested it. Hailey was the one for him, but maybe now she'd decided it was done, that she'd hurt enough at the hands of him. And that was no one's fault but his own.
"Let me keep you safe," he tried again. If Hailey would truly reject him, it would destroy him. He'd always watch over her from the shadows, would always be there for her. But if she'd choose to live her life without him…
Perhaps she can find someone more suitable. Someone worthy.
The thought of another man putting his hands on her, receiving her generous smiles and sweet affection made fury roar through his body.
She's mine.
James choked the vicious greed raging within. He loosened the hand on his wrist a fraction when his fingers started tingling, his tight grip cutting off the blood flow. He was no use to her if he'd unintentionally break his own wrist from lack of control.
Her voice was hoarse when she finally spoke, hurt resonating through every word. "I don't know if I can." Hailey looked away. "I'm scared. Not because of what you told me." She released a shaky breath. "That someone wants to torture and murder me is just insane, I can't even put my mind to think about it." Haunting eyes met his again. "I'm mostly scared you'll decide to leave again."
Relief was a crashing wave through his system. She still had feelings for him.He immediately reined in his urge to take her into his arms and show her those feelings were more than mutual. Just because she felt something did not mean she'd want him back.
James understood why Hailey was apprehensive. Being this close yet unable to comfort her was physically painful. After hearing her confession, James was convinced it was the same for her, but in her case it was fear holding her back from covering the distance between them. He'd broken her by his absence and she was scared of what would happen if he did it again. Logically he understood he couldn't force her into trusting him. Of course, she wouldn't take his word if he told her he never intended to leave her again. He'd used words before, used them to suggest the opposite and push her away.
James decided to do what was best for her and not to act on what he needed. "If it's easier for you, I can arrange for someone else to maintain security." Even though it cost him extreme effort to say it, he would keep his word if it was her wish.
Her face paled, darkness covering the warm color of her eyes. "And then you'll leave again?" She shook her head before he could answer. "I don't know what I want. I've been wishing you back for weeks. Now that you are, I have no idea how to handle how it makes me feel." Her eyes skated away. "God, I am desperate," her voice was a barely audible whisper.
"Stop." James felt his anger take over and reined in his Tk when several books started to shudder on the shelves. The way she chastised herself, seemed to hate her responses towards him, it was wrong. He'd been the one that made mistakes, not her. "You were right. I shouldn't have left."
He inhaled deeply, his heart working overtime. When Hailey jerked, James knew he wouldn't be able to keep himself from crowding her if he stayed near. "I'll give you space if that's what you need, but the protective detail has to stay."
Moments passed as she took in his words. He released the tight grip around his wrist for the second time.
The smallest of nods, her eyes skating away from his again. "Okay, they stay."
A razor-sharp stinging sensation appeared in his chest at her soft words, but he stopped himself from pushing any more. You need to do what's good for her, he reminded himself. She'd asked for space and he'd give it to her, even if the darkness within pushed him to reach out to her, to wrap his arms around her until she'd stop fighting him. James gave her a curt nod and turned to walk out of the bookstore while telepathically giving commands to the Arrows on duty.
"Wait."
James' heart skipped a beat at that warm, husky voice. Drawing in a deep breath, he turned around to face her. Hailey stepped a little closer, the dark smudges under her eyes evident even from a distance, contrasting with the paleness of her usually lush skin tone. James hated himself that moment, hated that he was the source of her pain. Once again, the shadows within had consumed and destroyed, and the look in Hailey's eyes was another reminder of the man he truly was.
"What if I want to reach you?" Hailey's soft whisper crushed him but her words also gave him hope. Her hand clenched tightly around the small book she was still holding, the fine bones of her fingers standing out against her taut skin.
"I'll be close."
James forced himself to go. When he walked to the register, he made sure to pay the cashier more than sufficiently for Hailey's purchase. He stepped outside the store and stood guard in a nearby alley, keeping her in his line of sight when she exited the bookstore. Hailey walked back home, glancing over her shoulder a couple of times.
James made sure she didn't spot him.
Once she stepped inside her apartment building, he moved to the rooftop of the shoe store across from her apartment.
There, he stood watch, and waited… and prepared for the chance that the only person who'd been strong enough to break his shields might never be his again.