I needed something to take the edge off. It was a vicious cycle. The game was on; I had all the evidence at my fingertips and I could feel it all slipping away. It was just outside my grasp; I could almost taste it.
Lestrade ejaculated into my mouth.
"This is pointless," I spat.
"I'm sorry," he apologised, putting himself back into his trousers. "Would you like the same?"
"Hold me."
"Uh, ok," he said, dumbly.
We lay in bed and I rested my head on his chest. I listened to his heart rate which hovered between 70-80bpm. He stroked my hair gently.
"Tighter," I told him; he held me tightly in his arms. I wanted it to hurt until I felt numb. "I can still feel. I need to be in a state of absolute apathy."
"This isn't right," he said, letting go of me suddenly. I felt as if I was torn from the ground.
"Don't stop!"
"I've got feelings, you know."
"I'm painfully aware and I don't care about your feelings."
"No, I think you do care or else you wouldn't be coming back round so often. Maybe you don't pay much mind to my feelings but you do care about us. Am I right?"
"I only care about my work." I buried my face in his chest and breathed in his scent of tobacco and imperial leather. It was a smell I associated with mystery and intrigue. "You meet my primal needs. No more; no less."
"I care about you." He was sulking. I needed him to tear me apart and put me back together again. "I can't tell if I'm doing you more harm than good."
"You're killing me."
"You are such a drama queen. Why'd you come round in the first place?"
"I lack focus."
"You need a proper distraction."
"No, I need discipline. I can't have the thought of you weighing on my mind. I thought I could rid myself of this stupidity shadowing my better judgment. This was a terrible idea. I'm better off without you."
"So that's it then?"
I looked at his face. It was a mistake. He was a mistake. We were back at it again within minutes.
I refused to believe I was this far gone. Wrapped up in the melodramatics of a relationship. I didn't need this form of companionship. There had to be a reason for my behaviour. What in my life was requiring supplementation? What could it be that I was lacking?
A father figure?
I pushed Lestrade's face away from mine.
"Stop it, you disgust me."
"Honestly, I'm about five seconds away from-"
"I can't stand the sight of you, get away from me."
He obeyed my command and pulled out.
"I don't understand. One moment you're enjoying it… the next you can't be in the same room as me," he explained.
"I should have never gotten tangled up in this mess. It's far worse than being involved with cocaine. There is no seven-percent solution."
"Are you addicted?" He asked, rather proudly.
I wanted to smack the smug look off his face. Remove his boyish good looks. Mess-up his perfect teeth. Instead, I rustled his hair.
"I despise you," I told him.
"I know it." he replied and we were back at it again.