Book Two, Part Eight: Moving On

September 2013

"Okay, what gives?"

I looked up at Addison who was standing over me in the on-call room I had stumbled into at two this morning.

I looked at my watch. Five. Ugh.

"What are you talking about?" I croaked out.

"You know what I am talking about." She said, her eyes filled with anguish.

She was right. I did.

It had been two months since I had seen Meredith…and Mark. I returned back to my previous zombie state that I had been in when I had left Meredith all those years ago. Only this time, unbeknownst to her, she had left me.

I was going through the motions. Hell, I wasn't even supposed to be here now. I hadn't been on call last night. I just didn't want to be home.

Looking at Addison, I realized that I wasn't being fair to her. She hadn't done anything to me. She looked tired and sad and I didn't want that for her.

"Addie…" I began.

"It's another woman, isn't it?" She asked quietly.

"Yes." I saw pain wash over her face. "Not like you are thinking." I was quick to assure her.

"Then how?" She asked.

I pat the bed beside me and she slowly came over to sit by me being careful not to touch me.

"When I went to Boston, I went to this bar…"

She gasped.

"And I saw her." I said.

"Saw her? I don't understand. Who is…oh." She said. She breathed a little deeper and cleared her throat repeatedly.

"Yeah."

"So are you two back together now?" She asked.

I took my own deep breath.

"No. We didn't even talk. I don't even think she saw me." I admitted.

"Then why?"

"She was with someone. A guy. My best friend…or he used to be."

"And that hurt you." She stated rather than asked.

"Yes." I told her.

"Oh." Was all she said.

We sat in silence for several minutes. I was startled when she stood up.

"This is my fault." She said.

"What? No." How could she say that?

"Yes, it is. You weren't ready. I just wanted you to try and you did. I appreciate that. I do. But I don't want someone who doesn't want me." She walked to the door and looked back with her hand on the doorknob. "Goodbye Derek." She smiled gently at me and then was gone.

I sat in that room for over an hour trying to make sense of everything. I had no luck and decided to cut my losses and bury myself back into my work.

That was the only thing I really had right now.

November 2013

"Come on Man, come with us." Weiss pleaded.

I glared up at him. I really just wanted to enjoy my rare weekend off…alone, but Savvy and Weiss weren't letting up. They wanted me to join them at a low-key bar we liked to go to, Sam's.

"Okay but only for a few drinks and then I want to sleep all weekend." I told them.

"Sure." Weiss quickly agreed. He was just happy I was going. I had secluded myself, not as bad as before but still, he worried.

We headed to Sam's after I showered. I didn't bother shaving.

We were seated at a high table laughing about a patient Savvy had had when I saw a flash of red.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Addie. She was standing at the bar, ordering a drink. I hope that meant she was joining us. Since we had broken up, we had kept a good working relationship. She was nice, I was nice…it was all very nice. She didn't make me feel bad for what had transpired between us but I still did. She was a classy lady.

A man walked up behind Addie and whispered something in her ear. She turned to him and laughed, her eyes shining. He grabbed the drinks the bartender laid in front of Addie and walked her to a table on the other side of the room but still where I could see.

"She's been seeing him for a month." Savvy said.

I tore my eyes from Addie and looked at her.

"He seems nice." I said as levelly as I could.

"He is. He is a lawyer. His name is Kirk. He works for her father's firm." She informed me.

"Is she happy?" I asked. That was ultimately what I wanted for her.

"Mostly," was all she said. That was the last we spoke of it that night because shortly after, I excused myself.

December 2013

"Merry Christmas Derek."

I looked at Addie as she handed me a very badly wrapped present.

"You didn't have to get my anything." I protested.

"I know, I actually bought it in July for you. I want you to have it." She said, blushing.

I opened it up slowly and smiled. It was a nameplate that said, Derek Christopher Shepherd, M.D.

"I figured when you become a hotshot Neurosurgeon with your own private practice, this could go on your desk." She said.

"Thank you." I whispered.

"You're welcome." She paused. "Good night Derek."

"You don't have to run off." I told her. Truth was, I missed her. More than I ever thought I would.

"I have…plans." She told me gently. "Bye."

"Bye. Merry Christmas…Addie." But she was already gone.

Christmas Eve, December 24, 2013

"Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa la la la la la la. Tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la la la la la."

"What are you doing here in the corner." Amber asked me.

"Trying to get over the sugar shock of all the happy little people here." I said.

"Yeah." She sighed.

I looked at her, really looked at her.

"What's wrong Am?" I asked.

"I broke up with my boyfriend right before I came here." She admitted.

"Why?" I asked. She had been crazy about him.

"Too many differences." She said, leaving it at that.

We sat in comfortable silence for several moments, her head resting on my shoulder as our family scurried about, singing and laughing and enjoying the holiday.

"You going to be okay?" I asked her.

"Yeah, it's just Christmas makes you want to be with the people you love." She said.

I immediately thought not of Meredith, but of Addie as I wondered what she was doing tonight? Was she with her boyfriend, her family in their stuffy Manhattan apartment? Was she alone? Was she thinking of me?

"Yeah." I agreed.

"You love her Derek, you may not be in love with her, but you love her. It's more than some people have to go on. Meredith is gone, and she isn't coming back. She has moved on and it is time for you to as well." Amber said.

I smiled at her ability to read my mind. I had told Amber about seeing Meredith that night. I needed to talk to someone, and she knew me too well to accept it when I said it was nothing.

"You may be right." I said.

"I know I'm right. I am always right." She mocked.

"Except when you're wrong." I laughed.

"Shut it." She demanded, resting her head on my shoulder.

We stayed that way long into the evening.

December 26, 2013

I stood in front of Addie's apartment, not quite sure how I had gotten here. I succinctly remember joining in on the festivities with my family. I remember that Nancy had gotten engaged. Poor guy. I remember opening up gifts but the only one I could think of was the one Addie had gotten me. Finally, I couldn't stand it and had kissed Ma goodbye and rented a car, driving all night to get here.

And here I was at…I checked my watch…six am on Addie's day off. She was not going to be pleased.

I knocked anyhow. Okay I banged. I was a tad impatient.

"Hold on. I am coming. This had better be good." I heard her mutter as she unlocked her six locks. "Only two things am I willing to get out of bed for; surgery and sex."

Finally the door swung open and she was facing me.

She was in a pair of short shorts and a tank top, her hair all mussed and no makeup on. She was lovely.

"Derek! Are you okay?" She asked, immediately concerned.

"Yes. No. I don't know." I sighed, running a hand through my wind riddled locks. "Can I come in?" I asked.

She hesitated.

"Oh, Kirk is here, isn't he? I mean, the guy you are seeing…I'm sorry. I am just gonna go." I finally remembered what I had in my hands. "Here." I thrust the present at her and left quickly, ignoring her when she called my name.

I went home and fell into a depression aided sleep.

I was woken up by a pounding on the door. I sat up and looked at the clock. I had been out for seven hours. I stumbled to the door and opened it as quickly as I could.

"What?" I yelled.

Addison was standing there with dripping wet hair and soaked clothes. When did it start raining was my first thought. My second was to get her inside and warm.

I hustled her inside and grabbed her a towel, a pair of my boxers and a shirt. I handed them to her and waited for her to go to the bathroom and change. She came out looking much warmer. She hesitated in the doorway to the living room.

"So…"

"I…"

We both looked at each other and laughed awkwardly. I patted the couch and she gracefully walked over and sat down.

"Did you have a good Christmas with your family?" She asked.

"Yeah, it was good. Had a lot of time to think." I told her. "You?"

"It was the same as always. Surrounded my people I don't know, whose sole purpose is to kiss my parent's ass." She informed me.

"Fun." I said.

"I got your present." She said.

"Yeah, I know. I handed it to you."

"No you more like threw it at me." She laughed.

"Sorry. I didn't want to get you in trouble." I said.

"He wasn't there. I broke up with him last week." She informed me.

"Oh? Why?" I asked, wishing I hadn't of as soon as the words came out.

"He wasn't you." She said quietly.

"Oh." Brilliant wording there Derek.

"So? What does this mean?" She sat her present in front of me. It was a photo album with pictures of us, most of them were when we were friends, some when we were dating. They filled up a fourth of the album. The rest of the pages were blank.

"It means we have a lot of pages to fill." I said simply.

"How are we going to do that?" She asked, her eyes filling with tears.

"Well," I took a deep breath. "We will have to start dating again. Really give it a try. That is if you want."

A tear spilled over as she nodded.

"I want that a lot." She said.

I pressed my lips to hers and felt nothing but relief.

February 14, 2014

"So, what did you think of the movie?" She asked, entwining her arm with mine.

"It was funny." I said.

Almost two months had passed, and we were doing really good. We communicated, we laughed, we rarely fought. I had moved in with her in January, seeing as I stayed over at her place more than I did my own that we might as well combine our finances. Made this next step easier.

I hadn't thought of Meredith often. I had made a sort of peace with the circumstances at which I had found myself. She had looked happy and I needed to make myself happy. Addie made me happy, or as happy as I could be. Nancy, and then Kathleen, had married in the last two months. Both times I had went and escorted them down the aisle, taking my father's rightful place. Kathleen's marriage was sort of surprising, just as the fact that she was pregnant.

My family was growing, moving forward and I was taking baby steps towards moving forward but I still felt as though I was standing still. I wanted that to change.

No, I needed that to change.

We went back to our apartment. We settled in on the couch and she bounced as she gave me my gift. I opened it and found a state-of-the-art electronic fishing pole and expensive lures.

I looked up in surprise.

"How did you know…" I asked.

"I called your Mom and she told me you used to love to go fishing and my parents have this lake front property on the coast so I thought we could go there one weekend and you could fish." She said.

"Thank you. I love it." I said. And I did.

"Okay your turn." My hands shook nervously as I handed her the gift.

She opened it with a smile and then the smile left, and she gasped. She looked up at me, then back at her gift and her eyes had so many emotions in them, I couldn't tell what was what.

"Are you sure?" She whispered.

"Yes." And I was.

She looked down at her nameplate that said Addison Forbes Montgomery Shepherd and then back at me.

"Then, yes." She whispered.

This is me, moving on.