"Damn it!" I slam my palms against the steering wheel when I finally get in my car. "I pushed him too far. It was too much."
I pushed too much, and now I may have screwed up everything. I stare back at the house and notice his silhouette at the bedroom window. I can tell he's watching me, waiting to see me drive away.
I reluctantly start the engine with one last look at his window. I valiantly battle my need to go back to him and remorsefully drive off.
I can't get to sleep. I can barely sit still; I've been pacing my bedroom floor for hours.
I can't begin to imagine what Edward's doing right now. I'd wager on him near tearing his hair out.
The womanizing, the flirting, the attitude; there's a legitimate reason behind it all. I know that as adults, we're accountable for our actions, but with a man like Edward, I can see why he'd feel the need to regain control.
"She took advantage of him; her and that…. sleaze James. She drugged him and …." The word gets stuck in my throat. I can see now, why he had been so upset.
"Rape."
I remember the look on his face as I made the conclusion; when he vocalized it himself. At the time, I thought what I saw was anger, but I now know that it wasn't. It was shame, and I feel just awful, knowing that I caused him to feel that way.
I find myself wishing the night had gone differently. Why did I stop him kissing me? Kissing him would've been so much easier to deal with. Anything, which might have developed from that kiss, would have much easier than this.
I'm so worried about him, that I contemplate calling him and hurriedly find my phone. But I think better of it and put the phone away.
I know that the way I'd approached the situation was wrong.
As a doctor, I should have let him tell me everything and not prematurely provide answers. Answers that he isn't ready to deal with.
I imagine what he must have felt like when he discovered what she'd done, what he continues to feel. He's handsome, confident and yes, often arrogant. He's used to success and being in control of his life. I understand now, why he would react so negatively at the thought of being sexually assaulted. A man like him would feel abject humiliation at what had been done to him; and to learn that his wife and a peer of his had been responsible; must magnify his feeling of humiliation a hundred-fold.
Anger wells up inside of me at the thought of her continued deceit.
She portrayed herself as the victim as she dredged up every one of his dirty deeds, knowing that she'd drugged him and manipulated him into having sex with her, that she'd planned on getting pregnant to trap him. No wonder he stormed out of the session the way he did. At the time, I thought his behavior to be reprehensible; my sympathies were with her. But it all makes sense to me now. I've been played for a fool.
I become even more incensed when I think about her revelation to him. She'd told him that he'd lost all of his control, more than that, that she'd taken it from him. She taunted him. She violated him to trap him into marriage and then taunted him to humiliate and belittle him. She wanted him to feel worthless and weak.
"That bitch! She belongs behind bars," I growl. I wish there was a way for me to make that happen, to the both her and James.
.
.
.
"Blood pressure is stable, Doctor Masen."
"All right…. let's get him clamped and into recovery. By the way, excellent work, Jess." I step into the scrub room to dispose of my gown and gloves then head off to check on another patient.
I've been filling in for surgeries all week. Work is the best distraction for me.
I pull the patient's chart and peruse it before I enter with a bright smile.
"Good morning Mrs. Cope. How's my favorite patient?"
"I'm better, now that you're here, Doctor Masen." She extends her hand and weakly tugs me down to sit next to her.
"I've spoken to your daughter this morning, and she's on her way. We'll start to prep you for surgery once she arrives. Right now, I want to check your vital signs and make sure that everything is perfect for us to proceed with the triple-bypass."
"Triple-bypass…. it sounds so difficult. I wish I didn't have to go through it." She turns to look out of the window. I can tell she's afraid, and it's my job to ease that fear.
Mrs. Cope is seventy-six years old and was diagnosed with congestive heart failure two years ago. She's been in and out of hospital since. Triple-bypass isn't going to save her life, but will make living with the disease less wearing on her heart.
"Don't worry Mrs. Cope, you're in the best possible care with Doctor Masen. He'll take very good care of you," Angela reassures, gently placing a hand on her shoulder, while I examine her with the stethoscope. I don't like what I'm hearing.
"Angela, would you get me Mrs. Cope's angio report, please?"
"You sound worried." Her voice trembles.
I remove the stethoscope from my ears and smile reassuringly.
"Everything is fine. I just want everything to be perfect before we go into the O.R. Don't worry, that's my job. You just continue to be the good spirited person you always are, Mrs. Cope."
"You look tired, Doctor Masen. Have you been working too hard?" She eases back onto her pillow, and I adjust her blankets.
"I look that bad, huh?" I chuckle.
"Well, you're still as handsome as ever, but you seem weary. You have crinkles in the corners of your eyes, just like me."
"I can always count on you to make me smile, Mrs. Cope." I can see she's getting tired, so I cover her up and close the blinds to shield her face from the sun. Her eyes automatically flutter shut.
"Get some rest, Mrs. Cope, and I'll be in to check on you in a little while."
I watch her for a few moments longer as I wait for Angela to return.
"Here's the report, Doctor Masen."
"Thank you. Will you check on her regularly? She's asleep right now, but I'm concerned. I'm not completely happy with the way her heart sounds."
"Yes, Doctor Masen."
I make my way to consult with a colleague about Mrs. Cope's deteriorating health.
.
.
.
I've returned to my office, and find that I'm powerless to stop my mind from wandering to Bella. It's been a few days since that disastrous dinner, and I haven't seen or heard from her. Contacting her is out of the question at this point, what would I say?
I had not anticipated revealing what Lauren and James had done that night, but she has a knack for asking all the hard questions. So typical of Bella, given what a good therapist she is.
She had it all wrong though, and the conclusions she drew pissed me off. Like Emmett, the only other person I'd revealed the truth to, she believed that I had been victimized, and what Lauren had done was tantamount to sexual assault.
"It wasn't that," I mutter. Surely, I would know if it was. I've witnessed rape victims, and I can't compare my situation with any of theirs. Those people truly were victims. What happened to me was based on my own stupidity.
I knew that James was at that party, and I knew that he'd be up to no good. He always was. I also knew Lauren was trying harder than usual to get me into bed, but I'd been drinking, and the hurt and rejection I felt at Irina's rejection didn't help matters.
Even after Lauren told me, I was able to piece together the events of that night. I remember going upstairs with her and us getting hot and heavy before we actually had sex, but I don't remember a concrete moment when she could've slipped me the drug, but the memory of her revelation is as clear as yesterday.
"What the hell did you just say to me?" I grit between my teeth as I freeze at the opened door. I turn to face her angry, spiteful expression.
"You heard me. You're weak and clearly not as smart as you think you are. You pride yourself on being the Great Doctor Edward Masen, always in control. You think every woman wants you. You think you can have any woman, and that you can control them." She breathes harshly as she spews her venom. I know she's stricken with grief, but this is too much. I scoff at her and turn to walk away.
"How does it feel to know that you pride yourself on being in control of women, and that ironically, you've lost that control to a woman!"
Her words sting, and I turn to see tears streaming down her face, but she smirks once she realizes that she's hit her mark.
"All it took was one pill, and poof…. all the control was mine." She literally sings. I frown at her, she's finally gone off the deep end.
"I'm calling Dr. Brenner. You…. your condition is worsening." I pull my phone from my pocket and start to dial.
"My condition! I lost a baby, Edward, but you lost a hell of a lot more." She spits and throws a small white object at me. I fumble awkwardly and catch it in one hand.
"What the hell is this?" I stare at the unlabeled bottle.
"It's called control, Edward, something you know nothing about."
I shake out some pills into the palm of my hand, and I recognize them almost immediately.
"This is Rohypnol. Why do you have these?"
"Pretty, but not smart. All those years at an Ivy League…"
"Why do you have these?" I shout. The truth is, I fear what her response will be. She's been alluding to controlling me all week, but I just put it down to yet another argumentative tactic.
"I gave them to you! The night of your party! The night I became pregnant."
I've replayed those words in my head a million times over since she uttered them.
I was in complete shock. I told her that she was crazed, out of her mind with grief, and that it was a lie, that she would never do anything like that. But at the mention of his name; James, and I was convinced that it wasn't a lie. I didn't stay around to hear the rest of what she had to say. I was too afraid that she would reveal worse things, afraid of what I might do in retaliation. Instead, I walked out on her, and ended up at my brother's. I also ended up telling Emmett what had happened.
It took me months, hell longer, to come to grips with what I'd learned. For the longest time, I convinced myself that it was my own idiocy that caused me to be in this predicament, the hell that has defined the eight years of my marriage. Now, Bella comes into my life and makes me relive it all again and tries to make me see things that I've never wanted to.
It's five o'clock in the evening, and my day ends with me postponing Mrs. Cope's procedure until I feel that her heart is strong enough to withstand surgery. I leave the hospital and find myself at the last place I expect to be.
"Doctor Masen, I don't think you have an appointment today."
"I need to see Doctor Swan, now," I say, barely acknowledging the fact that she's jumped up in protest.
"She's not here…."
"I saw her car in the parking lot," I cut in and knock once before entering her office. She looks up instantly and removes her glasses.
"Doctor Swan, I'm so sorry. I tried…"
"Don't blame her, I barged my way in."
"It's okay, Leah. You can take lunch now."
She waits for Leah to leave. She doesn't look angry that I've just bullied my way into her office, which worries me. Normally, she'd tell me off and throw me out, but that look of pity is back, and I hate it.
"I wasn't… raped."
"Okay," she says softly.
"But…but I understand why you would think that. I'm not that person, Bella. I was a victim, but not in the way you think."
"Maybe you should sit and tell me about it."
"No, fuck that! This is not a session! This is Edward and Bella, and I'm telling you this because I want to. Christ, I kissed you the other night!" I grab her, pull her to me and look into her eyes. "We should be talking about that.
What happened to me happened in the past. What happened with us, the other night; the kiss is happening now. I need you to see that. Things are beginning to happen between us. Don't let my past ruin this."
"How can we have anything if you don't open up to me, Edward?"
"Damn it, Bella!" I let go of her and grab handfuls of my hair in frustration.
"I've opened myself up to you repeatedly! What more do you want?"
"I want to know the answer to one question. And then I can think about where we go from here."
I blink at her and mentally run down a list of questions that I think she might ask. Then I think about the ones that I really don't want to answer, and silently pray that she doesn't ask one of those.
"Ask the question."
"Did you cheat on Lauren after your wedding ceremony and before you found out about her drugging you?"
"No." I look her in the eye and answer truthfully, not understanding why she chose that particular question.
She steps up to me and holds out her hand. I look at it briefly and take it in mine.
"Is that all you want to know?" I ask hopefully.
"It is for now."
Of course, it is.
I smile. "You missed me, didn't you?"
"Don't be an ass, Edward," she says with a laugh.
"I'm serious. I'm growing on you." I lean my forehead to hers, closing my eyes, and she doesn't pull away.
"Yes, like an unwanted fungus."
"But, you want me…." I open my eyes. "Right?" My pulse races as I nervously wait for her response.
"Yes…. God help me, I want you," she whispers. I can feel her body tremble.
"You don't know how long I've wanted to hear you say those words," I exhale loudly and smile at her. I reach up both hands and cup her beautiful face.
"You can't be my patient anymore, Edward. I can't…"
"Shhh. I know." I catch the stray tear from the corner of her eye with my thumb and brush it away gently. She worriedly bites her lips, and it tears at me. I want to reassure her that she can trust this.
"Don't worry. Nothing will happen that you don't want to happen. We can take this as slowly as you need. I'm in this one hundred percent, Bella. Completely."
We stand there, connected. I'm not exactly sure what this moment means for us, but I'm not going to let anything ruin it.