Chapter 23
"I'm really sorry. We've done everything we could but there was nothing we could do," Dr. Rhodes said with, his face ridden with sadness and guilt. "Erin is officially considered brain dead."
Jay shook his head, unwilling to believe Erin being gone. "No...but you said that she was going to wake up," he started stammering, tears clouding his vision. "You said that her brain was fine! She can't be gone!" Jay started shouting. Connor had to be playing a joke on him, the cruelest of joke but it was all okay, he could get over it as long as it was a joke. Because he couldn't fathom the idea of Erin, his Erin, being gone.
Connor didn't say anything, just dropped his head unable to retain eye contact with a crumbling Jay. "I'm sorry." That was all he could say, all he could offer. "Like I said, the brain is just unpredictable."
"Jay," he heard Will calling his name but he couldn't look at his brother, not when his world was just completely destroyed. He couldn't breathe. His chest was tight, it was like he was having a heart attack. His lungs weren't cooperating with him, they were preventing him from taking in a breath and he was falling into darkness and Will was left holding his crumbling body up.
"She can't…no," he was still in denial. "Just tell me that it's a joke."
"As a doctor, I'd advise for Erin to be taken off life support soon," Connor just said. "We find that it's the best thing for the patient and the family, not to hold on too long. You can say your goodbye and start the healing process."
Jay just stared at the doctor in disbelief. Connor made it sound so easy, like Jay was supposed to just walk back into her hospital room and just say a mere goodbye then Erin would be gone forever. Not only her brain would stop working but her heart would stop beating, her lungs would stop breathing. One minute her heart would still be beating then the next, all at once, Jay would have to say goodbye. He couldn't do that, giving up on Erin would be the hardest part. There still had to be a chance that she would wake up.
"There's no chance," Connor said like he was reading Jay's mind. "She's not coming back. No matter how much you want her to, she's gone. Accept it Jay. You failed her and now she's gone. All because of you."
Jay jolted up, his head snapping up from where he had it laying in his hand. His eyes immediately searched for Erin even though she was literally only a few inches away from him as he sat by her bedside. But the dream—nightmare—he had felt too real, too possible, that he was left trembling from it. Even when he saw Erin in the same position as before and the machines connected to her sounding the same, he couldn't stop shaking, unable to shake off the dream he had. He reached out to her, clasping her hand in his and kissing it until his lips turned white. He needed the touch, he needed to feel her skin, he needed to make sure that she was still here with him. Only then he was able to breathe again.
Despite the coldness of the room and the fact that he was still in his t-shirt, he was sweating, too worked up from just the thought of losing Erin. He sighed, rubbing his face with his free hand roughly. That was why he didn't want to fall asleep. Even if he had just dozed off for a couple of minutes like he just did, he dreamt of the worst possible scenarios, like Erin being pronounced brain dead or him not making it on time and arriving too late only to find Erin bleed out on the ground, her blood coloring the snow crimson red.
She was still here.
He repeated those words to himself, reminding himself that she was still holding on, still fighting like the fighter she was. Despite his still palpating heart, he felt like he should've been grateful for his brain for conjuring up those torturous dreams because it kept him awake and the last thing he wanted to do was to be sleeping away like an idiot when Erin woke up. No, he wanted to be awake when she woke up, he wanted to see her beautiful eyes and delicate smile. He wanted to take it all in with his starving eyes when she flashed her dimples at him. He needed to stay awake.
Jay sat in the uncomfortable chair by Erin's bedside, not moving an inch despite having sat there for hours already. The night came and went and now it was sometime in the mid afternoon again, judging by the small light that peeked through the windows of hospital room.
It had been 28 hours. 28 hours since Jay saw Erin fell through the window—an image even his worst nightmare couldn't have dreamed up—and it had been over 20 hours since Dr. Rhodes had given the okay to see Erin and 20 hours since Jay had planted himself by her side and hadn't moved since. For hours, Voight had sat by the chair across from him, arms crossed and faces stoic as they waited in silence for any sign of Erin waking up. But duties called and Voight had been called into the station, their team having been sent back hours earlier and SVU followed, having to turn in their own report. Not everyone could be as reckless as Jay, nor could they just given up their badges as easily as Jay did. So Jay had been the only one left, just like he preferred. The only sounds in the otherwise dead silence of the room were from the machines.
Heartbeat. Brainwaves.
Jay didn't understand all the machines that were hooked onto Erin or what all the squiggly lines on the monitors meant. But he knew what the steadying beeps meant. Those beeps were so melodic to Jay because it let him knew that she was still here with him, body and mind. That her brain was still working, her heart still beating even if she needed help breathing. Just a precaution. Will had explained. It's just to make things easier on her. Will reassured Jay when he freaked at the sight of a mask being put on Erin, the line being attached to a ventilator.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Those rhythmic sounds could've lulled him to sleep again if he wasn't so damn worried about missing Erin opening her eyes while he slept like an idiot. At this point, the only sound that would be more beautiful to him was Erin calling his name, her raspy voice and all. But until that happened—it will happen, he corrected himself—he forced himself to stay awake, clutching Erin's limp hands in his own, as if they were helping him breathe, his own breathing machine.
She looked so small in the bed, hooked onto wires and tubes but she remained just as beautiful as ever. Even though her ivory skin was marred and etched with scars and scratches from the broken glass, she was still flawless to Jay. He wanted to bury his face in her hair, he wanted to take in the sweet smell of her shampoo that she always used but he didn't dare to, in fear of accidentally knocking some wires and hurting her more. So he remained sitting, his hands clasping hers and he counted every rise and fall of her chest as the hours passed by. It didn't matter how much his back was hurting or how much his stomach was clamoring for food, he'd sit there until she woke up, his face would be the first face she'd see when she opened her hazel eyes again. Besides no matter how much his stomach was growling, he couldn't actually eat. He barely tasted and swallowed a bite of the sandwich Kim had brought him during her last visit and had tossed it to the side.
"Hey." Jay looked up at the voice and found Olivia standing by the door, a small smile on the Lieutenant's face. He just greeted her with a small smile and a tilt of the head, eyes returning to Erin. Olivia took that as an invitation and she made her way further into the room, sitting down on the chair that Voight occupied before he had to leave. "How's she doing? Any changes?"
Jay shook his head solemnly. "No." He ran his fingers along Erin's knuckles. "Rhodes said that her swelling has gone down a little bit but there's been no change. She hasn't woken up."
Olivia gave him a comforting smile. "I guess in cases like this, no news is good news." Jay shrugged. He'd preferred actual good news but when had things ever been easy for Erin? It was like life was determined to make things as difficult for his girl as it could, testing her over and over again. Lesser person would've given up already years ago but she was the strongest person he knew and he knew she wouldn't give up this time either. She'd keep her promise and come back to him. That was the only thing that was keeping his sane at this moment.
"You don't have to be at the station?"
"The good thing about my job is that there's not a lot of people I have to answer to," Olivia joked. "And the people that I do have to answer to are a 2 hours plan ride away so.." Jay let out a small chuckle, the action feeling strange to him, not having anything to laugh about for so long.
"Must be nice," he replied. "Although I guess I have no one to answer to anymore myself."
Olivia exhaled. "Yeah, about that," she started, glancing over at Jay until he took his eyes off Erin and gave Olivia his focus. "Erin's definitely not going to be happy to hear that when she wakes up."
"Yeah," Jay agreed, knowing exactly how Erin would react to hear that he gave up his badge and pretty much cussed a commander out in front of the whole hospital. "I can already hear her," he laughed softly, imagining the look that Erin got whenever she was pissed in his head, cheeks sucked in and eyes blazing, his fiery girl. "It's worth it though." There was no way he was leaving her side, especially not so he can justify himself for shooting Stan to a bunch of Commanders that were on a power trip and had completely forgotten what it was like to be on the streets and be actual police, not up in their Ivory Tower.
"Maybe it'll all cool down. When things calm down, maybe you can fight for your badge back."
"Maybe," Jay shrugged. Would he like his badge back? Sure. He loved being a detective and he loved being part of Intelligence but at the end of the day, it was just a job. Perhaps he had hidden himself behind his badge before, made it his whole identity and when Erin left, he made his job his whole life but it wasn't as though he was any happier for it. He had learned the hard way that it wasn't what he did that was important but who was in his life that brought him happiness. Erin made him happy. Will made him happy. His friends made him happy. That was the most important thing. "It's really not that important to me right now. Being able to be here for Erin, that's my priority."
Olivia remained quiet, just studying him. "She's really important to you huh?" Olivia voiced after a couple of minutes. Jay looked up at her at the turn in conversation, never really pegging Olivia as someone he'd opened up to about his feelings. "I guess that's a silly question," Olivia rescinded after Jay remained silent, almost like she was embarrassed by her question. "It's pretty obvious."
Jay just nodded, intertwining his fingers with Erin's. "She's the most important person in my life," he replied, tone serious. "I just want to be here when she wakes up."
"She told you what happened last time?"
"Yeah," Jay replied, jaw tensing at recalling how hard it was to sit and listen as Erin told him about being shot and laid up in the hospital all alone. "She didn't deserve to be all alone. I should've been there."
"You didn't know."
He should have. Perhaps there was a bit of hurt that remained with Jay that Erin decided to keep him in the dark about what happened to her, not allowing him to be there. He would've flown to New York in a heartbeat and would've been by her side the last time if he knew.
"I'm glad she had you though," Jay responded. "Thank you for being there for her. Erin's lucky to have you looking out for her." Jay said honestly. Olivia had done more for Erin than Bunny had her whole life. He would always be grateful to the woman sitting across from him for that, Erin's own mother was worthless as far as Jay was concerned, bringing nothing but trouble for Erin's life. She deserved someone that truly cared about her without expecting anything in return, not to see her as either a piggy bank or a free get-out-of-jail card like Bunny did.
Olivia smiled and shook her head, waving off Jay's thanks. "I care a lot about Erin. I couldn't believe that her previous supervisor didn't call anyone or had done the basic thing like leave instructions with a nurse to call someone for Erin. I was so angry when I found out. Erin was the one in the hospital bed and she was the one calming me down from ripping her supervisor a new one."
"She didn't deserve someone like Erin in her unit," Jay said adamantly. "Erin belongs on a team that cares about her."
"We do," Olivia replied. "The moment I had the opportunity to bring her on, I took it and I haven't regretted it since. She may be stubborn."
Jay scoffed. "That's an understatement of the year," he said fondly.
"Yeah," Olivia agreed, laughing. "But I know that she's going to do anything she can to do right by the victims. That's all you can really ask for in a cop." Jay nodded, affection filling up again for Erin at Olivia's words. Erin gave all of herself to her job, whether it was a good thing or not. Maybe if she was more selfish and more self-serving, she wouldn't be lying in the hospital, unaware of everything that was going on around her.
"Yeah," he said, sounding wistful. "She's the best cop I know. She's the best person I know." He reached up and brushed his fingers on her face, taking in the softness of her skin, the soft strands of her eyebrows. He just desperately wanted to see her eyes. He felt Olivia's eyes on him, studying his gesture and maybe if it was Voight that was sitting across from him, he would've refrained from letting his weakness show—his boss always scrutinizing his relationship with Erin—but it was almost nice not having to hold himself back from showing his affection.
"Have you thought about what you're going to do? About your job." Olivia clarified after seeing Jay's confused face.
Jay mulled her question over. He really hadn't, his mind too occupied with worry for Erin to care about his career. Maybe he had been hasty in just slamming his badge in the Commander's chest in anger but he didn't find himself regretting it, knowing that he would've done the same thing over and over again if he was given another chance.
"Not really," he replied, shrugging. "Maybe I'll get my badge back. Maybe I won't."
"You're being awfully cavalier about this," Olivia retorted, face frowning. "You worked hard for that badge, you're a great detective."
"Maybe," Jay replied. "But that's not all I am." He paused, wondering if he should tell Olivia a part of what he and Erin had planned. "Um..me and Erin were actually talking about me moving to New York."
"Really?" Olivia said, sounding not surprised at all, making Jay surprised. "I guess I can't exactly say that I'm surprised at that."
"Yeah?"
"Call it a woman's intuition," Olivia laughed. "Ever thought about becoming a SVU detective?"
Jay raised his eyebrow in surprise at Olivia's question. "Is that a job offer?" he questioned, tone unbelieving.
Olivia shrugged, confirming his question. "Just something to think about when you're thinking about what to do later."
"You really have room to take in another Intelligence stray?"
"Well the last stray, as you put it, I took in worked out so well so what's one more?"
Jay was in disbelief. "I umm…I don't know what to say."
"Of course, you have to pass all the necessary tests to get your credentials in New York but you're a smart guy and Voight's always complaining about your affinity for sticking to the rules so I'm guessing you just have to brush up on the books a bit before taking the tests again and pass with flying colors. So just think about it. Talk it over with Erin when she wakes up and the offer is on the table."
Jay couldn't believe it. He couldn't believe that he was being given another opportunity to work together with Erin again. He had just assumed that when he made his move to New York, he'd settle for another department like Narcotics or Vice, something that kept him in the City but he'd be working far from Erin. But Olivia was giving him a chance to be in SUV, to work alongside Erin again. He'd be a fool not to take it.
"I'd be honored," Jay replied, standing up to shake Olivia's hands. "Really. Thank you."
"Don't mention it."
After Olivia had left, the room became silent again, the machines emitting the only sounds. Jay didn't even bother turning on the T.V, just rather sit there in silence than have whatever drivel that was on T.V playing in the background. The sun was already setting, the darkening light outside indicating as such. Jay sighed, a second day has passed by and there was still no change in Erin. No sign that she would wake up soon. He crossed his hands and placed his elbows on the bed, edging closer to sleeping Erin. He knew he had to patient when it came to Erin. He waited for her until she was ready to stop hiding behind Voight and was ready to be in a real relationship with him, he waited for her until she felt safe and comfortable enough to break down her walls and really trusted him. He'd wait for her this time too. He stood up and leaned over her, placing the softest kiss he could on her cheeks, letting his lips rest there for a little bit. He frowned when he felt how hot her face was. He immediately checked her hand, resting her palm against his cheeks and his palm on her forehead and felt the same type of heat present in both places.
"Shit!" How in the hell didn't he notice her catching a fever earlier? He ran out the door, shouting for help. The nurse that was right outside the door ran over to him right away at his panicked state. "I need help. Erin, she got a fever."
The nurse immediately took action, running over to the counter to page Connor and rushed back in the room with other nurses, the medical staff pushing Jay out of the way.
"She was fine earlier," he started rambling, saying anything he could that might help Erin. He felt like such an idiot, he was too busy feeling sorry for himself that he didn't even notice when the fever started. "She's going to be okay right?"
Connor came in then, quickly going over to Erin's bedside while the nurse started reading off her vitals. The serious expressions on their faces indicating to Jay that it wasn't good, not that fevers were ever a good thing. He felt so helpless, just standing there while they worked on Erin. He couldn't do anything for her. He just wanted to know what was going on.
"We need to get an urinalysis and culture done," Connor ordered the nurse. "We also need to take her in for an X-ray to see what's going on. Eliminate all possible causes for the fever before we can diagnose her." The nurses complied, removing the wires attached to Erin and released the brakes on her hospital bed.
"Wait, where are you taking her? What's going on?"
Connor barely gave Jay a glance, too focused on Erin. "We need to take her in for an X-ray and get some tests done."
"She's going to be alright though right?" he needed Connor to tell him that she would be just fine. "Hey!"
Connor stopped in his tracks, finally turning around to face Jay. "We're going to do everything we can Jay. You just need to wait until we have more answers." Then Connor was gone, taking Erin with him.
"Hey," Will walked over to Jay as he sat outside of Erin's hospital room, his face buried in his hands. He looked up at his brother and Will paused, taking in Jay's bloodshot eyes and dark bags underneath his eyes. "I heard about Erin."
Jay tugged at his head, remaining quiet. He heard Will sighed before sitting down on the empty chair next to him.
"She's going to be fine."
"You don't know that," Jay retorted. He was so sick of everyone telling him that everything was going to be fine, that she was going to be fine. All that led to was him letting his guard down and failing to see important things like Erin catching a fever. He needed to be on his toes.
"It's probably just an infection," Will started explaining. "They're pretty common in patients like Erin. And fevers are a good thing in those cases."
Jay looked at Will incredulously. "So this is a good thing?" he challenged. "Look Will, I know you're just trying to make me feel better but I can't take it right now okay? Not when it comes to Erin and what's going on with her okay? I don't want to kept in the dark about anything. I just need the truth."
Will remained quiet before releasing a deep sigh. "Okay," he agreed, readying himself to tell Jay. "Obviously I can't tell you what's going on with Erin exactly but I can tell you what I know in other cases like Erin." Jay just nodded, bracing himself to hear what Will had to say. "I wasn't lying when I said infections are common and that fevers were a good thing. It's just the body's way of fighting the infection off. But there could be other underlying causes for the fever."
"I have a feeling that whatever you're about to tell me isn't going to be good."
"Because it's not," Will replied and Jay leaned forward in the chair, crossing his fingers together. "It could be a blood clot or even just from the impact of the fall itself."
"Will…will she be okay?" That was all Jay wanted to know. He just wanted her to be fine.
"Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves first Jay," Will said, releasing a small humorless chuckle. "Connor is going to do everything he can to make sure Erin's okay. You know that right?" Jay didn't reply, feeling like his question was rhetorical. "Look Jay, they're going to take a while to get all the tests done so why don't you go home, get some rest?" Jay didn't reply again, feeling no need to. There was no way he was leaving while everything was still in limbo and Will was a fool for even suggesting it. "Come on Jay," Will tried again, patting his back. "No offense but you look like crap. You need some sleep or even just a shower. You're smelling kind of funky right now." Will's smile faltered as his attempt to cheer Jay up failed. He knew it was a long shot getting Jay to actually leave Erin's side and go home but he had to try. It wasn't healthy for Jay to skip eating and sleeping for almost two days because he was sick with worry over his girlfriend. "So no chance of me convincing you to take a break huh?" Jay shook his head. "Alright. I got to go back to my rounds. Seriously though man, I know it may not seem like it right now but everything's going to be fine. Just don't make yourself sick in the meantime. She's going to need you when she wakes up and recovering. Call me if you need anything." Jay smiled tightly, thanking his brother silently.
If Jay thought the wait was agonizing before, it was vacation in Hawaii compared to the current torture he was going through, waiting for any news of Erin. Nurses have came by and went and no one had any news to share with him, no updates or results of the multitudes of tests that they were putting Erin through. He knew he should call Voight and let him know what was going on but he was putting it off until he had something more to tell him than just Erin was running a fever and worrying everyone else in the process when none of them knew for sure what was going on with Erin. Maybe there was a small part of him that preferred waiting alone too, after all he had plenty of practice of waiting in hospitals all by himself with his mom.
After what felt like hours, Connor finally returned and Jay stood up from the chair, the sudden action causing the chair to scrape and made a loud screeching noise in the otherwise quiet hospital corridor.
"How's Erin?" he started to question Connor, invading his space. "She's going to be okay right?"
Connor held up his hand to calm Jay down. "Hold on Jay," the doctor said, backing away a bit. "So we ran several tests on Erin and good news, she just has an infection and it was causing her fever to spike."
"That's good news?"
"Yeah," Connor replied, chuckling a bit. "I know it doesn't sound like it and people usually freak out after hearing the word infection but honestly, it's lesser of many evils in Erin's case. She's lucky that the fever isn't being caused by anything worse. We've located the infection source and we're putting her on antibiotics."
"So she's going to be fine right?" Jay needed more clarification, an actual confirmation from Connor's mouth that everything was going to be fine. "This won't hurt her in the long run? Or stop her from waking up right?"
"It's not going to affect her recovery in the long run," Connor replied, keeping things vague. Jay sighed frustrated. "I'm sorry but you know I can't make any promises about her waking up. No matter how much I want to. But I can tell you this," Connor said, holding Jay's arm. "the antibiotics will help with the infection and fever. Everything else is up to Erin."
Jay just nodded, knowing there was nothing more Connor could do for Erin. "Where is she right now?"
"The nurse will bring her back into the room in a while. They're just finishing up."
"Thanks," he muttered, dropping back into his chair to wait for Erin to return to her room and for him to return to her bedside.
Jay clutched Erin's hand and brought it to his lips, happy to be by her side again. She was in the same position just as she was before, before the fever that suddenly came on that gave him the biggest fright that day. He still wasn't completely settled, his heart was still racing even though the nurses assured him several times that the antibiotics will bring the fever down. It was almost like he was waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the doctor to give him the news that he dreamt about—that Erin was gone.
The same steadying beeps returned to the room as Erin was hooked back onto the machines that were helping her and what was once comforting sounds to Jay before were just now driving him crazy. He thought that those sounds meant that Erin was doing okay but obviously it had lulled him into a false sense of security and he missed Erin running a fever. He needed to fill in the silence. He wanted to talk to Erin, tell her everything he had on his mind. He wasn't sure if she would be able to hear him but he felt like he needed to try anyway. Any minuscule chance that Erin could hear him and hear him plead and tell her how much he needed her was a chance that he was willing to take.
He intertwined his fingers with her soft ones, resting his cheek on the back of her hand that was clasped with his. He brought his other hand up and reached over to caress her cheeks, the soft skin that he loved so much felt like heaven underneath his fingertips.
"God Erin," he started, voice soft and shaky. "You scared me real bad." He let out a small chuckle. She was always scaring him, either for her well-being or for making him realize just how much he loved her and just how deep his love ran for this girl. It was a feeling he never thought he'd be capable of, this pure love for another person that wasn't family. He never thought it was possible to love someone this much but Erin was always exceeding his expectations. He wasn't the most open person and he didn't have the best example growing up with his parents and witnessing their marriage first hand and seeing the heartbreak his mother went through made him closed off to the possibility of finding love. And that resolve only grew after he came back from Afghanistan and he fell into his dark hole. But Erin, with her stubbornness and her dimples, broke through that resolve, the walls he had around himself were no match for her, barely putting up a fight and he fell for her hard.
"There's a thousand things I can say, a million things I want to say," Jay whispered into her skin. "To make you wake up and come back to me." His mind was racing a thousand mile a minute, words tumbling in his head about what he wanted to say but when he opened his mouth, the words wouldn't come out like he wanted them to. He just wanted her to know just how much he loved her.
"I don't know if you can hear me Erin but there are just a couple of things I need you to know if you can," he kissed her hands and clutched it to his face. "I need you to know that you keep me up all night, that there's no one else that can get me like this. And I need you to know that you are the most stubborn person I've ever met in my life and sometimes you get me so frustrated that I want to pull all my hairs out. But there's not a damn thing I would change about you, even when you built a wall around yourself to protect yourself. It just makes me want to work harder to break them down and be the one person that never let you down. But I know I already have," he closed his eyes, feeling that guilt that he was trying so hard to push down. "If I had just figured out where Stan was at sooner or if I fought against Voight about bringing you with us, you wouldn't be here. I'm sorry," he said into her hand. "I'm so sorry Erin. But please, I need you to do something for me. Okay? Don't leave me alone alright?" he begged. "I wouldn't be able to take it. I already watched you walk away once and it was enough. It nearly killed me and I can't do it again, I can't lose you twice. So just fight for me and open your eyes Erin." He stood up shakily and kissed her forehead, pressing his lips there and resting it. "I'll wait here as long as you need to make your way back. Just come back to me."
After nearly breaking down in her room, he gathered himself up, not wanting anyone to see him like this. Then he had finally given Voight a call, updating him about Erin's condition. The older man told him that he'd be there as soon as he can, as he had to finish a few loose ends with the case and they can finally close the Stan Rappaport and Yates chapter to a close—officially anyway. There would still be lingering effect left behind by the two psychopaths but as far as Jay was concerned, they were both dead and could no longer harm anyone else.
There was a couple of quick knocks on the door and Will made his way in. "I got the update from Rhodes. Looks like everything was alright."
Jay wouldn't exactly define an infection or a fever as alright but he knew it was better than the alternative. "I guess," he shrugged, a little bit of irritation running through him. Honestly at this point, he just wanted to left alone. He didn't want anyone around him until they absolutely had to. He just wanted to keep his eyes on Erin just in case he missed something else again like he did her fever. He knew he couldn't keep Voight away from her but he thought he still had a couple of hours to himself. He rubbed his face before resting his head on the small space on Erin's bed, wishing silently that Will would understand to just leave him alone without him needing to ask. He didn't need or want Will hovering over him.
But he knew it was an empty wish when he heard Will take the seat across from him. He sighed deeply to himself, not wanting to look up just yet. Maybe if Jay ignored Will long enough, his brother would get the clue that he wanted to be alone.
"Jay," Will called out, waiting until Jay couldn't ignore him longer and looked up. "Go home. Get some rest."
"I'm fine," he replied tensely. He felt the small irritation grew larger as minutes passed by.
"Seriously man," Will tried again, feeling like a broken record at this point after telling Jay to go home several times already but his brother not budging. Will understood Jay's need to stay by Erin's side but there was nothing he could do for Erin by making himself sick. Usual pleading wasn't working so he tried a new angle. "Listen, the nurses here have been looking the other way about you staying here past visiting hours because they're grateful that you guys got Stan. Everyone here had been living on edges the past couple of weeks knowing they had a target on their back. But pretty soon, that gratefulness is going to run out if you continue to stay here."
"Then I'll wait until it does run out."
Will sighed, frustrated. As far as he was concerned, Jay and Erin were made for each other, both hard headed. He just worried about their future kid and just how much stubbornness he or she'd be born with. "Go home. You can't do anything for her anyway."
Will knew everyone had a breaking point and when a person went over two days without sleep or food, that breaking point was a lot shorter. That apparently was the wrong thing to say as Jay finally reached his and he stood up, fuming. "I know I can't fucking do anything alright. I don't need you reminding me that I'm fucking useless to help her!"
Will held up his hand in surrender, hoping to calm Jay down. "I didn't mean it like that man. I just meant that you will be a lot more useful to her when you are actually rested." Jay was still breathing hard, trying to contain his anger. "You can't do anything for her right now okay? She's still in a coma. She's under heavy antibiotics, she's not waking up anytime soon. So just go home and take a shower and come back when you're not going to lose it every second."
"I'm not going to abandon her right now."
Will rolled his eyes. "You're not abandoning her okay? Don't be so dramatic."
That riled up Jay even more. Perhaps he was being unreasonable but Will pointing it out wasn't going to help. "That's easy for you to say," Jay roared, his emotions—fear, anger, worry, anxiety—all spilling out. "You might be used to running away when someone needs you but I'm not!"
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Will asked, his nostrils flared in anger.
"You know exactly what I mean," Jay replied, hands going to his hips in an angry stance. "This isn't exactly the first time I've waited in the hospital by myself. I'm used to it so why don't you do exactly what you did the last time and just leave me alone?"
Jay knew he had gone too far when he saw the look of hurt made its way onto Will's face, the younger man not even attempting to hide it. It was a low blow and Jay knew it. He and Will had worked out their issues when it came to their mother already and Jay already forgiven and made his peace with Will on the subject. But he brought it up again and used it against Will, even though he knew the immense amount of guilt Will was carrying around about that, all because Jay was pushed and didn't want to be the only one hurting.
"I'm sorry," Jay muttered, genuinely feeling like shit. "That was a low blow and you didn't deserve that. I'm just….I don't even know why I brought it up in the first place."
Will studied him, taking in the state of Jay-disheveled clothes, messed up hairs and bloodshot eyes—all screaming that Jay wasn't in his right mind right now. He couldn't hold it against Jay for lashing out, no matter how hurt he was. "It's okay," he replied, trying to give him a convincing smile so there wouldn't be another thing Jay was feeling guilty about. "It's fine."
"No, it's not fine," Jay refuted. "I shouldn't have brought it up. it's not your fault. None of this is your fault."
"It's not yours either," Will retorted, wanting to ease Jay's misplaced guilt. He wasn't responsible for what Stan did or the state Erin was in. Jay just looked down and shrugged. "You want to make it up to me? Then listen to me and just go home. Just for a couple of hours at most. I'm serious when I said Erin's probably not going to wake up in the meantime. They have her on antibiotics and her body is still fighting off the infection," he explained. "This is the time for you to go home and you can come back later."
Jay sighed, rubbing his face again, finally giving into Will's relentless request. "Fine." He sat back down. "I don't want to leave her alone though, no matter what." Will started to speak but Jay cut him off. "So when Voight gets here, I'll go." Will knew that was the best he was going to get out of Jay so he'd have to take it.
It felt like forever ago that Jay had been back in his home. It was almost strange stepping back into his place, seeing it almost as though everything inside was put on pause while chaos happened outside of it. Had it really only been three days since he was last here, lips and body attached to Erin's as they were about to make love on the couch? It felt like a lifetime ago since Voight had interrupted them with a phone message that completely tossed their lives upside down.
He slowly made his way further in, not bothering to turn on the lights, choosing to stay in the dark, placing his keys in its usual place and tossed himself on the couch, body too tired to make his way into the bedroom. He ran his hands through his face and his hair, rubbing some of the fatigue out but at this point, it was useless. He glanced around the living room, seeing Erin everywhere in it. Even though Erin had been living with him for not even two weeks, there was evidence of her presence already everywhere. The cushions and the blankets they had slept on was still on the floor, all crumbled up from their love making. Her boots already laid in a pile on the ground, her favorite magazine that Jay had bought for her on the coffee table, next to her hair brush. She was everywhere and he didn't know whether it was comforting or just more stark reminders that she wasn't there with him in person, instead she was across town unconscious.
His eyes finally landed on the Christmas tree by the windows, the lights from outside illuminating the tree from behind. He slowly got up and made his way over to the tree. His eyes automatically went to the ornaments that were hanging there, side by side—their past and future like Erin said. His fingers ghosted over the delicate items, feeling the glitters and the smooth material, his head recalling the memory of Erin laying in his arms, a bright smile on her face as she rattled on about how much she loved the ornaments, the tree and him after they spent the night decorating the tree.
That was when the levee finally broke.
He crumbled onto the floor—clutching an ornament in his trembling hand—as every emotion he was holding in the past couple of days came spilling out, like when the rain became too much for the levee to handle until everything just started flooding out. He hated anyone to see him like this so he had tried his best from breaking down in front of other people, despite wanting to countless times in the past couple of days. But now that he was alone in his home in the dark, he could finally let go. All the fear, worry and anxiety he felt for Erin, all the feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, all the anger he held towards Stan and himself, he could finally let out. He felt the ache of his chest when he sobbed, he welcomed the deep painful rumbling he felt in his body, the pain had kept him in the moment. He brought his knees to his chest and buried his head in it, his body still shaking like he was out in the cold, an emotional wreck trembling in the wind. The last time he had broken down like this was the night he had punched Will and kicked him out after fighting with him over Erin's stuff so it was almost poetic that the next time would be over Erin too. Only last time, he thought he already lost her but this time, he couldn't.
Finally his body settled and the trembling turned to just soft shudders and he felt more in control. He still didn't feel better but the heavy ache in his chest that was squeezing his heart was a bit looser than before and he felt like he could actually breathe a bit more. Before it was like he was drowning in the ocean and no matter how much he kicked and fought, the tide was too powerful and kept pulling him under. The breakdown he just had was almost like a life preserver, it didn't solve all of his problem, he still needed to kick and fight to make his way back to the shore but it made things a bit easier. He didn't feel like he was going to pull back under any second now.
He gathered enough energy to finally pull himself off the cold floor and made his way into the bathroom, grimacing when the bright light came on. He looked at himself in the mirror and almost didn't recognize himself. His eyes and noses were red from rubbing at them so hard, his lips were cracked from being dehydrated, his face was dry and the most prominent things on his face were the dark puffy bags he had under his eyes. He looked like a broken man, he felt like a broken man. No wonder Will was so worried about him, he did looked like shit like Will said. He took off his t-shirt that he had been wearing for the past couple of days and tossed it into the hamper and took off his pants and stepped into the shower, the scalding water a welcome to his aching body. He scrubbed himself down with soap, needing to feel clean and washed himself. Then his hand seeked out his shampoo, his eyes spotting Erin's own shampoo next to his. He felt tears made his way to his eyes again but he sucked them back in. He couldn't keep breaking down like this, he didn't have time to. He just wanted a quick shower and a change of clothes so he didn't look or smell like a wreck and he wanted to make his way back to the hospital. He'd never forgive himself if Erin woke up and he wasn't there for her.
He dried himself off quickly and finally felt some semblance of a human again after putting on new clothes and he stepped back to his living room, ready to make his way back to the hospital. He still wasn't hungry despite not having eaten in days. He knew his stomach wouldn't be able to take any food right now but he still grabbed a bottle of water and downed half of it quickly, finding it sufficient enough to tide him over. He checked his phone, ready to shoot a text to Voight that he'd be there soon and found multiple messages from his team, all checking up on him and seeing if he needed anything. He paused, his eyes landing on the ornament that he hung back on the tree and without a second thought, he sent Kim a text message, asking her for a favor.
Neither Will nor Voight looked that surprised to see him return so soon, both of them smartly deciding not to mention it. Will seemed to be just glad that Jay actually left the hospital in the first place and that he didn't look like he was about to fall over anytime soon. Jay just gave them a small tilt of his head in greeting, Voight returning the same as he sat by Erin's side, arms crossed as usual. Jay took his usual seat and held Erin's hand, like he was telling her that he was back and she could actually understand in her state.
"I got to get back," Will said, breaking the quiet atmosphere. "My break is over. I'll check back in later." Jay just nodded, still feeling residual guilt about lashing out at Will earlier although his younger brother didn't seem to be holding any grudges about it towards him. He just gave Jay a smile and a wave before he left the room.
"You can leave too," Jay said to Voight. "I'm here so if you need to get back to the station, you can go." Jay knew that the red tape and bureaucracy of the now high profile case was keeping everyone at the station longer than they wanted and was keeping them from visiting Erin as much as they wanted. He also knew that since Voight was the head of Intelligence, most of the responsibility fell onto him and he felt for the Sergeant, understanding his desire to be by Erin's side.
"I have a few more minutes before I have to be back," Voight replied gruffly. "I don't like the idea of you being here all by yourself."
Jay frowned at his words. "What do you mean?" he asked, almost offended.
Voight just sucked in his cheeks. "I meant it's easy to go stir crazy when you're sitting vigil by a loved one alone. Will told me that you hadn't left her side for two days, not even to take a break. You can't keep doing that Halstead."
"You don't have to worry about me," Jay just retorted, not really knowing how to react to finding out that Voight actually gave a damn about him. He knew he wasn't being fair to his Sergeant, knowing deep down that he actually cared in his own Voight way but to actually hear it being expressed was a whole another thing. "Burgess is coming by in a few minutes on her break."
Voight didn't reply, just kept staring at Jay as though he was looking for something on Jay's face. Finally, Voight relented. "Alright then. I do have to be back at the station." He stood up from his set and leaned over to give Erin a peck on her forehead—a rare moment of vulnerability for Voight—before turning back to Jay. "If anything changes, you let me know. Got it?" Jay just nodded in reply, knowing the protocol.
"Got it."
Kim arrived just as Voight was leaving and the two almost collided in the small doorway. Voight looked at the bag Kim was carrying weirdly before walking out, leaving Jay and Kim together in the room.
"Hey," Kim smiled brightly, trying her best to keep a positive attitude and Jay appreciated it. He needed all the positivity he could get and Kim was trying. "I got the stuff you asked for." She handed him the bag she brought, her face confused at his weird request.
"Thanks," he said sincerely as he opened the bag and pulled out a small Christmas tree that was meant for desk decoration. Kim just watched quietly as Jay placed the silver tree on the small table at the end of Erin's bed. Then he took out the two ornaments he brought from his home and hung it up, the past and future ornaments hung side by side on the small tree, almost filling the whole tree up. He smiled wistfully and he sat back down and held Erin's hand again.
"Look Erin," he said so softly that Kim could barely hear him but it didn't matter, it was meant for only Erin to hear anyway. "I couldn't bring our tree so I brought the next best thing." He dropped his head onto her hand and closed his eyes. Kim got the hint that it was a vulnerable moment for Jay and she quietly stepped out of the room, wanting to give him some privacy, knowing he was a private person and wouldn't appreciate anyone being a witness to seeing him in a weak moment. She could wait to see Erin later, Jay looked like he needed the time.
Jay heard the soft click of the door and he opened his eyes, returning his gaze to Erin as he rested his face on her palm, pressing it close to him. "It's not as big as the Rockefeller tree or as bright but it's still beautiful because it has our ornaments on it. See? The ones you said were like our past and future? I brought them here so you can see them when you wake up. We still have to go to New York and see the Rockefeller tree, don't we? We made plans Erin. Remember? So as soon as you wake up and you're all better, I'm going to take you to see the real thing, we'll be like those cheesy touristy couple that wear matching I love NY shirts while taking a ton of pictures. I promise I'll even smile in those pictures this time. Then we'll go ice skating right there and I promise I won't laugh when you fall because you don't know how to ice skate. We'll have so much fun." He kissed her palm. "And we'll kiss on your rooftop as the ball drop on New Year eve, just like you wanted. Even though it'll be freezing and too cold out, we'll stick it out so we can ring in the New Year together. We're going to have an amazing life Erin. That's a promise. All you have to do is wake up." He would promise her the world, if only she would wake up.
It was afternoon again, yet another day had gone by without any changes in Erin's state. Jay was still there by her side, still holding on hope that today would be the day that she would wake up. The members of both Intelligence and SVU had made their visits during various times throughout the night and day, just sneaking in whenever they had a break to check up on both Erin and Jay. Kim had even managed to force Jay into eating something, a sandwich she had brought for him and he complied, only to thank Kim for bringing him the Christmas tree like he asked, and he ate the sandwich, not even tasting it. Nothing would taste good for him right now, not even coffee. He hadn't even touched the liquid since he was here, not needing the caffeine to stay awake like he usually did, the thought of missing when Erin woke up too harrowing for him and motivating him to stay awake without any additional outside stimulation.
At least he was warmer now though, remembering to bring a jacket with him when he went home to take a shower. That was all the comfort he needed. That and the small Christmas tree he had by Erin's feet. But the warmth had lulled him into almost a deep sleep and he felt himself dozing off for a couple of minutes. But he jerked awake quickly after getting another nightmare again and he sat up fast in his chair. He groaned, rubbing his eyes and stretching his body while he remained sitting in the chair. He twisted and turned in the seat, doing his best to stretch his body and fight against the aching he was feeling and he turned back around, his eyes widening in utter shock and his heart stopping when he saw Erin's eyes. Her eyes that were opened and staring blankly ahead, unblinking.