Chapter 27.
Sarah and Castiel sat opposite each other in the parlour, drinking mugs of tea. Cas felt a lot better just being with someone who understood his fears and the deeply hidden longing for connection and family.
He'd spoken in general terms at first, telling her how hard it was to pretend that all was well, when he felt as if his whole existence was held together by spider webs. As she nodded and smiled her understanding, he found the courage to get specific.
"That Dean hates it should be reason enough for me to put a spike through my brain if necessary to kill the link, but however hard I try to convince myself it's a terrible thing, there's a part of me that feels like I'll die if it ends. And I know how selfish that sounds."
"You were alone for countless years, Castiel, of course you crave company now."
"I counted every second." he said, "Every second, every electron, every spark of light. Human minds, they're beautiful, even in the dark places. Do you know that Dean's mind has a tapestry of light and shade that would grace any cathedral? You love him from what you have seen. If you saw him as I have seen him, you would worship him. I've seen the sacrificial courage of his love for this world and the visceral pain of his shame and I have seen the light of his laughter and smelt the incense of his grief and I can never tell him any of that, because it would only cause him suffering and humiliation."
"Oh, my dear, I don't know how you've ever voluntarily stopped a connection that means so much to you."
"You'd know if you'd seen the look in his eyes. It takes all of his strength not to hate me and he only tries not to hate me because he believes I never wanted this. I never consciously made this happen, but I wanted it."
"That's understandable." she said.
"Understandable, but not justifiable. I have no right. What am I that I should invade his soul?"
"His brother." said Sarah.
"Sam doesn't get to wander through Dean's innermost self." said Cas, "Everything about this is wrong. I have done some terrible things, but to enjoy any part of this is the worst sin of my long and fallen life."
"Love is not a sin. Love is the one pure, perfect thing."
"How is it love to hurt him? He wanted me to knock him out so no part of his thoughts could be violated. If I had more self-control, my mind would already be closed to his thoughts. He was afraid to dream in case I spied on his dreams."
"That sounds unlikely." she said, "Dean has never said anything like that to me. All he talks about is protecting you. The darkness inside isn't beautiful to him, it's corrupt and shameful and he's very aware that you can be vulnerable in ways a human would not. My instinct is that he wants to keep you out of what he sees as a toxic waste dump."
"He lives in it." said Cas.
"He thinks he deserves to, my dear."
"He doesn't." he said, the only thing he could be absolutely certain was true.
"No, he doesn't."
"Sarah, could I ask you something truly frivolous?" said Cas.
"You could, but you never have."
"What should I wear for the party?" he said.
"Oh. Does that mean you intend to dress differently?" she said, sounding hopeful.
"Dean thinks I should." he said.
"I'm sure he has good intentions," she said, "But it's your party. It's what you want that matters."
"He wants me not to wear this coat." he said.
"How do you feel about that?" she asked.
"I don't know." he said, "It troubles me that the coat might offend him. I'm not sure how. It's just a garment and I am not troubled by some of the strange things he wears. He called it armour. I don't understand why."
"Isn't there a little truth in that?" she said.
"Fetch a knife. Stab me. The coat will barely slow it down."
She smiled her patient smile and said, "Emotional armour. You feel more comfortable in the coat, safer."
He considered it for a moment and then nodded uncertainly.
"It's hard for us to express these concepts to angels." she said, "Dean and I can understand why it matters, but you don't have the cultural grounding. How can I put this? We have thousands of years of multiply coded social cow patties, because humans never say the thing they really want to say. So to Dean, that coat feels like a symbol of distrust, distance and fortification. To you, it just makes you feel safe in the midst of a world you have no chance of understanding."
"The lack of understanding is certainly true." said Cas.
"Dean knows you need the coat, so he doesn't say anything, but maybe he thinks, at a party set up to celebrate you, you could put it aside as an act of faith. He wants you to open up to the people around you, to trust them not to do you harm."
"The coat really would not prevent any of them from trying to harm me unless they were very easily discouraged."
"Humans and metaphor, Castiel. We've gone over this many times."
"So, in his eyes, my coat is a barrier against them?"
"Yes. And he's just asking if you can let it go for one night. But if you can't, nobody will think less of you and if Dean has a problem with it, he and I will be having a little chat."
"I really have no idea what else to wear." said Cas.
"But you would like to try something else?"
"I think I would. I feel uneasy just considering it, but sometimes, feeling uneasy just means that something is important."
"You're learning." she said.
"I have some very good and patient teachers." he said, "I would like to surprise Dean by losing the armour. I know he says these things out of concern. And perhaps it will, in a small way, make up for some of the intrusions into his mind."
"None of which were your fault." she said.
"Maybe not intentionally, but I still feel responsible." he said.
"My husband had a similar build. I think we can find something for you." she said, "And you should wear a hat. Very useful piece of clothing, a hat. Pretty good to hide behind if you need to."
"You're a good friend." he said.
"So is Dean. Always remember that. Dean would die for you. Never assume he's driven by anger. He just has a very angry way of showing love."