The job went off without a hitch. The men aboard were so inexperienced with weapons that Revy was able to hit them down one two three . One thing she allowed herself was killing the noncombatant hiding in the cabin- the whites of his eyes made the whole skirmish entirely worth it. Seeing a person on the other side of her gun quivering with fear or sadness lessened those emotions in her. But it didn't work. No amount of killing put her at ease. No amount of blood soaking her clothes and matting her hair calmed her.
She had limped back to the boat, half-finished and incomplete across the deck. Revy went inside herself; the way she did when she was younger. Her injuries felt worse than before, and her head swam. She was full of tears yet completely empty. Because she was right all along, Revy mused when she peered down at the ocean water from the PT boat, while doing maintenance on her guns. Three nights in she dreamt that Balalaika had been behind her as they lay in bed. The blonde pressed close, then kissed to where Revy's neck and shoulder met. The sensation was so wet and so soft that for a moment she thought it was real. When Revy woke up, she immediately turned into her beaten pillow and hissed a long line of expletives, slamming her fist into the mattress, before her body began to shake.
Her anger was endless, and her desire for some sort of relief overcame Revy in such a way that she spent most of her days drinking and smoking. The rest of the company was confused. Revy saw their confusion was felt ashamed, the heat of her fury mixing with the heat of their puzzlement. She wanted desperately to be like them, cool like Benny and calm like Dutch, reserved like Rock, but instead her heart was still burning. Revy knew heartache, however heartbreak was something she was never used to.
"What the fuck is up with you?" Eda asked over a lukewarm beer, as she watched Revy finish off her fourth whiskey. Revy was blowing off the money from her last job, and the nun knew it. Bao however was very happy with the predicament. "I keep asking that, and it's like you get worse every time I see you."
It was day five. Revy bit her teeth into the cigarette in her mouth, the bitter taste bleeding into her tongue. Yesterday she had done another pathetic act in a fit of despair, calling up a former coworker of hers from Rowan's personal Gomorrah.
"You mean," Revy replied into the phone, slowly, "that no fuckin' Russian asked for one of your little friends?"
"I'd have to ask, but I don't think so. They like their girls a little close to home, if you catch my drift." said the annoyed woman on the end of the line, Holly. It was hard to hear her over the hard, pulsating beat of the club Holly was in. "None of them asked for me either. Look, I gotta go."
"Well, thanks for nothing." She clicked the phone shut, and threw it at the wall.
Revy had hoped that maybe she could shadow one of the prostitutes, and sneak up into the building and ram her fist on Balalaika's door until either the Russian let her in or some of her men dragged her off. Holly wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed, and wouldn't ask too many questions.
"Let me guess. You're gonna say 'nothing' again, aren't you?"
Revy watched a man lean forward and kiss a woman on the cheek, sloppily. Grimacing, she stared down at her stained glass. "Something fuckin' shitty is happening inside me and I don't fucking know why. That good enough for you?"
"But that's you every day." Eda replied easily.
"I guess so, bitch."
"Hey, is it Rock? Did you guys finally…" she made a circle in the air with her pointer finger. It could be considered Eda's hobby, catching up on what a mess Revy's love life was. If only she truly knew.
A man drunkenly tripped and slammed his head on the table that was next to theirs, and Revy flinched. Furious, she ignored the smirk on the nun's face. Being jumpy was another sort of embarrassment. Another drunk dragged him off by the collar, towards a group that began swearing at them as they neared. Bar fights were getting more common as the evening melted into night.
"Nah. Fuck no, Don't ever ask that shit again." Revy retorted sharply over the sound of someone getting hit over the head with a piece of furniture, to Bao's chagrin.
"Ask what? You guys did kiss." Eda pointed out.
"And that's all it was fucking was. A kiss when we were both wasted." She recalled from when Rock had picked her up from the club, and told her of how he had thought of the kiss in Japan often. Her stomach was queasy. It felt wrong to be thinking this way. But Revy was so lonely, and so tired of gnawing on her knuckles when she lay in bed.
The nun's blue eyes widened. "To his ass it wasn't. I think you're the one stringing him along, Revy. If you want me to have him, cut him loose, pretty please." She was lying, anyone could see that. One of Eda's eyelids was sagging, and her cheeks were flushed from the heat of the bar and the two beers she already inhaled.
"Ugh, Eda, just shut up and get drunk." Revy knocked back her glass of whiskey and set it down on the sticky table. Wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, her eyes darted to a blonde across the bar. The stranger's hair was thick and wavy, but brown roots were sprouting from the top of her head.
"You want Rock to be your little puppy-dog forever?"
"Fuck, I don't…" You've gotta fucking pretend Revy, you bitch, you've been so fucking obvious this whole time, now you've gotta try your acting chops, if it's even acting. Do something award worthy. "...it's too fucking much. This whole situation. Is fucked."
"Yeah, I can't imagine you and anybody like, fucking. We should switch roles. You the nun, and I the unwashed psycho." For every word Eda spoke, her eyes said ten more. The blue sharpness of her eyes made Revy feel uncomfortable for a spare second, then the nun leaned back and stretched her arms above her head, and the spell was broken.
But I did fuck. I fucked a mob boss and she fuckin' ate me out. And for the first fucking time in a long time I felt wanted. Revy twisted her mouth and shrugged. "What-the-fuck-ever," she said at last. "Just let me get wasted, okay? Maybe you're the one that needs to get fucking laid, bitch."
"What, you think I'm starving for cock like Janet? Fuck no, I only need to get the clap once to learn my lesson." Eda said.
Revy knew this was a lie. If Eda had gotten the clap, she would have heard about it. "Don't bring up Janet, that cunt pissed me off the other day."
"What's up? Bitch always got on my nerves too. Messed up that whole plan to get her cash, 'member?"
"Yeah, I don't think it was fuckin' entirely her fault, you dumb bitch." Revy hunched over her glass. Raising it to her chapped lips, she realised it was empty and tossed it down. "But she's making up shit to get under my skin. No joke."
The nun scratched the top of her head as she took a slow sip. "Really? Fuck she has to gain from it?"
"Nothing. She wants to ruin my fuckin' life after I beat her ass." Revy lied.
"Eh, it'll blow over. She'll get bored and fuck a bunch of Thai guys, get aids and die… oh, hold up." Eda chewed on her lip and supported her jaw with one hand, elbow balancing on a rubber coaster. "Maybe she wants Rock. Damn, you really can't want anything, huh?
Revy was sick to her stomach. Tasting warm blood in her mouth, she looked at Eda's tanned face. "Eda, Uh, I-" her vision blurred, and sweat beaded on her forehead.
Bile was in the back of her throat, and before she could handle it, she leaned away from the table and vomited on the floor. By her luck, Bao doesn't notice as he's busy disarming two men who were in blows a few minutes back. Both drunks were nursing black eyes and red bruises on their chest and arms from grappling.
Eda jumped up and dragged Revy by her arm away from the table, the barstool dragging on the wooden floor and tipping over. The sourness filled Revy's mouth and she gagged again; the room was too stifling and she felt too hot. Eda pushed through the throngs of bodies in the bar, one hand always out, shoving people aside. The nun wrapped around an arm around Revy's torso to speed her up. She was warm, too warm, and that brought another surge of nausea. The door opened and a gush of wind met Revy's pale face. The street was empty in the twilight, and the sun's dying rose light shone over an abandoned building across the street. Eda dropped her, and she fell to her knees in the dust and grime of the sidewalk. Revy leaned over and threw up into the street, her back shaking and trembling, and she groaned when she finished. It smelled rancid; relief flushed Revy's cheeks as she shut her eyes. She was glad that Balalaika wouldn't be here to see her like this.
Awkwardly, Eda patted her sweaty back with an open palm. "Hell, you okay? Wait, don't answer that."
Revy ignored the obvious question. Panting, her bangs stuck to her face and she wiped them out of the way. She waited until the saliva dripped off her parted lips, before she tried to sit back up. A cold moment passed where they both sat in silence, listening to the violent city. A dog yowled in the distance, and Revy thought of the run-over dog in New York again.
"Yeah, somebody should fuckin' help that poor baby." The guy next to her in the car said, eyes not leaving the struggling form of the dog.
Revy shook herself to get out of the memory. " You got a cigarette?"
"I got nothing."
"Heh… shit." she licked her cracked lips and looked back up towards the sky. If she really stared hard, she'd see a few stars unveiling themselves, like god just started hole-punching the sky. "You remember… that story I told you about, when I got in trouble at fuckin' school? The principal sat me down and let me have it?"
Eda tilted her head in response. "You've got a lot of stories like that, Revy."
"Like, shit, when they said that my dad was gonna come to the school, because I fucked up big time and broke this kid's nose, and I always beat kids up, like all the fucking time, and this was it they said, remember I told you that?"
"Yeah."
"That was a lie," Revy swallowed. "I fuckin started bawling my eyes out and asking for 'im. Asking for my fucking shithead old man. I like… had this fucked up fantasy where I had a normal family, like I was so out of it. And that's the funniest part, I get these delusions that shit's actually alright when it's not, when I think this whole time has just been me acting crazy, and my life isn't a mess. But I know not to get my hopes up and that's the fucked up part." There wasn't an idea in her head why she decided to start talking, but she wasn't able to quiet down.
"Revy, you just had a bad day at school, every kid has that. You're crazy, yeah, but that's besides the point. You're drunk." The nun replied, shaking her head. Stretching out her long legs in front of her, she rotated her ankles.
Revy coughed, leaning over the sidewalk. She spat out a string of yellow bile onto the asphalt. "Rock kissed me, and I couldn't do it. I just can't fucking do it anymore. It's another girlish daydream that's like… light as air. Like a goddamn candy wrapper."
Eda nodded, her pink sunglasses slipping over her nose. "Really? Honest and truly?"
"He waited too long, that's all there is to it. He waited too fucking long. Everything's falling apart."
"Is there someone else?"
Revy licked her dry lips.
"Then that's what Janet's after, isn't it? Shit. I can read you like a book Revy, don't even try it." Her blue eyes narrowed at hers, not angry, as if she sensed every false note on her.
Revy didn't understand all these twisting conflictions, and with her feelings close to choking her, all she did was listen. Candy wrapper. She began to chuckle. Eda, confused, moved away backwards, as Revy broke into a wail of laughter. She gloated over it, and fed on it. Revy was nourished by the drunken laughter, shuddering and crying out like a dying animal, and when she was finished, she put both her hands next to the vomit to support herself, and slowly heaved herself up. The cement scratched her already bruised knees, but she paid no mind to it. Revy swallowed her foul-tasting spit, and met Eda's furrowed brow.
"Holy shit. You good?"
"I'm wasted, that's what." Revy replied sluggishly, all of the fake joy leaving her. "I'm goddamn miserable."
"I think you need to head back to your place. I'll drive, come on."
The drive back to Dutch's apartment was silent. Eda had managed to have her car fixed, but the power steering was still shot, and Revy didn't know how long someone could drive with no gasoline in the tank. Revy's head flopped uselessly against the cloth car seat, and her eyes kept flickering shut. Forcing them open, she gazed across the dark landscape of closing storefronts and the building of Hotel Moscow a couple streets away. A gasp died in her throat when she saw light in Balalaika's office, peeking through the blinds.
Eda focused on driving, managing to find a cigarette shoved somewhere and it flopped out of her mouth. Tapping the cigarette on the lid of the half-open window, the ash blew away as she returned it to her lips. Revy yanked her head over to watch her, anything to try and ignore where Balalaika worked.
"Hey… so, I'm not gonna ask if you're with anyone, alright? And don't tell me shit. It's gonna be the same as it was, don't run your mouth and fuck it up for yourself."
Revy stared out the windshield. "Fuck."
The radio fuzzed on, and Eda adjusted the knob until a rock song came on. Palm trees flew past, emerald green against the constant beige of cracked brick and newly paved black streets. By the time the song ended the wheels of the car halted, and the apartment was in view. The shadow of the building fell over them and they sat together quietly.
"You can get up the stairs alright?"
"Yeah. I've been through worse shit."
"Revy, you cried in the principal's office because you wanted some asshole to roll up and care about you. That's my little comment for that story. Now get your ass upstairs. I want to head back and hit the hay."
"Yeah, yeah." Revy snapped wearily, and she slid out of the still-warm car. Her feet were unsteady on the pavement, and her fingers dug into the rust lining the vehicle to support herself. It bit into the soft flesh underneath her fingernails. Catching her breath, she pushed herself off the vehicle and managed her way towards the apartment, one foot in front of the other, mentally focusing on the specks of gravel under the tread of her boots.
The headlights of Eda's reversing car lit the way into the apartment. Reavy leaned heavily on the door as she opened it, and inside there was only a light on in the living room, and Rock. His eyes met hers as he dropped a cigarette butt into the trash.
"Your shoulder is healing well. How about your hand?"
Revy showed her palm in response, yawning. "I'm not in the mood for chitchat, I'm gonna go pass the fuck out."
As she limped past him, Rock spoke up. He was stronger this time, his gaze entirely directed only at Revy. "Actually, there's something we should talk about. I think you know what."
Her body was a vast expanse of leaking wounds. And when she felt herself just beginning to heal, one event after the other had to happen. Flexing her injured hand, she turned around slowly to face him, cautiously. "What? Rock, what could we possible be fucking talking about right now? Tell me."
"What's going on between us?" Rock asked, not daring to come any closer.
Revy laughed humorlessly, shaking her shoulders. Bile was in the back of her mouth again, her heart pounded furiously. Face flushing, she stared at the wall, debating her options. "Dude… c'mon, I'm not in the mood for this dumb shit."
"No, really." Rock took one step near her cautiously. "We can't keep avoiding this forever. Best to talk about it now."
"What's there to talk about?" Revy scoffed, shrugging.
He clenched his jaw. "What happened when we got drunk at Bao's. In the car."
An ugly expression rolled across Revy's face, and she whipped around to fully face him. " Yeah? It was a kiss, Rock. Don't get your panties in a twist." It wasn't just a kiss, and that was the horrible part. His kiss paled in comparison to the ones Balalaika gave her. The Russian's mouth made Revy melt. There wasn't a flicker of hurt in him, instead there was blissless confusion. But he stepped closer to her, enough that if he held an arm out, he'd brush her shoulder. If she raised her eyes to meet Rock's, there was a chance he would touch her. Revy wanted to be untouchable. She needed his hands to pass through her tired skin and come out raw with blood.
"You kissed me, not the other way around. We've been skirting around this for years, I'm tired of it. And then you've started disappearing, and you won't open up to me," he sighed, rubbing his face with his hands. "Where does the truth end and the lying begin? Tell me, where does it? I've never dealt more intimately with Roanapur than now, and yet in the process you've went away. Oh, what's the point?"
"What the fuck do you fucking mean? What's the point? Rock? " Revy shouted at him, hunching her shoulders forward, pointing a finger in his direction.
"Just tell me. Open up to me, and this can be done and over with. Please, Revy. For me. A bullet and a gun, remember?" Rock chuckled at that, shaking his head.
"Of course I remember," Revy whispered harshly. "I don't have a shit memory. Rock, answer me this first. Was it ever possible- fuck, for us? I felt something for you, you know, once." she stared at the ground, digging her nails into her palms and breaking into a cold sweat. "For quite a while, actually."
Rock chewed on the inside of his cheek, quietly, horrifically pondering. She worried the silence would swallow them he slowly nodded, and Revy wished she had never asked. He licked his lips and looked up, and stepped closer to her, but didn't touch her. Before Revy would have been a bit impressed by his surge of courage. Now she was withering under the gaze of his dark, lively eyes, and they weren't the eyes she wanted to be gazing into. "Is it possible now?"
"No." Revy replied. She turned red.
"What happened while I was waiting?"
"A fuckton." she replied, not moving away from their closeness. His breath was hot on her face. Her eyes moved down to his mouth, noticing the way they were shaped, delicately pink.
Rock leaned in, his lips brushing hers, and Revy's eyes slid shut and he barely pressed a kiss to her. She tasted awful, yet he didn't seem to mind or even notice. If she had shut her eyes tight enough, she could have envisioned Balalaika's, to go away inside herself and think of the blonde's strong arms around her. But Rock hadn't shaved, and the stubble was rough on the corner of her mouth. What mortified her worse was how she relented for a second before she pushed him away roughly, feeling his rib cage underneath her palms.
When a strangled gasp left his mouth, Revy tore herself away. Balalaika would fucking kill you for this, Revy wanted to scream. But the blonde wasn't here. She was never going to be here. Night and nights alone were ahead of Revy, and that was maddening.
"No," she repeated, not unkindly. "Does... that make you feel worse or better?"
Rock watched her with an emotion she didn't know. He wasn't as hurt as she was expecting, instead there bitter resignation, like he tried and failed, and now he had a story to tell to the next girl he'd eventually meet and fuck; maybe she'd be the girl he'd have been looking for, a ghost of his previous life, maybe carrying a little bit of Yukio in her. Someone he could actually save. Rock would tell her this sad tale, and she'd put a hand on his arm, batting her eyelashes in pity. Most likely he wouldn't mention Revy in his promising future, and she flinched in imagined hurt.
"I don't know." he said. Stepping away, Rock turned and walked out the door without a second look. His shoulders were straight and his tie slid back and forth over his chest. Revy watched, and she knew that was the last time he would ever kiss her again.
Emptily, Revy wrapped her arms around herself and stared at where he had left. The alcohol buzzed inside of her. A chill raced over her as she walked over to the couch and stiffly sat down. The old couch squeaked under her weight, and Revy felt her cell phone push against her in the back pocket of her jeans. Taking it out she stared at the screen blankly. Cycling through the numbers, she came across the newest number, Balalaika's. Her thumb hovered over the button to click it, before revulsion rose inside her. Revy pressed the button and the phone rang through the silence.
She didn't pick up. Revy tried it again and again, until on the fourth try she gave up, face masked in tears. Her lower lip trembled, until she bit down enough to bleed. What the fuck is there to do? Dumbass. Burning bridges every way you turn. Should have kissed Rock back. Admit it, it felt good.
Life was easier when she didn't feel anything, or so Revy told herself. Last night she had smoked a whole pack until sleep drew her eyelids down, and there were no dreams to torture herself with. Rock tasted like cigarettes, too, and something earthy underneath. It was painful to dwell on, how good of a kisser he really was. Rock had come back in the middle of the night. Revy lay in the darkness, spread out like a starfish, arms hanging off of the bed, and she imagined going into his room and climbing into his bed. But he wasn't Balalaika. And she wasn't here to punish her. Ever since the order to keep away from the Russian, Revy had not even touched herself.
The next day she camped herself in the kitchen, eating a cheese stick when the phone rang in its cradle. Tugging at the collar of the white crewneck, Revy narrowed her eyes and debated answering it. Rubbing her healing shoulder, she watched the phone rattle in desperation. The phone rang for a third time, shrilly over the television. Grabbing the remote to the left of her, Revy turned down the sound of explosions and screaming, swallowed her food, and answered the phone.
"Lagoon Company." Revy said monotonously, watching the people scramble around on the television. Dutch had an affinity for old war movies, as did Benny.
"Is Dutch nearby?" Came the deep voice on the other side of the line, and Revy paused. Panic crawled up her throat, making her freeze. She strained to hear him.
"Dutch's out. Call him at the boat, I think. What's the job about?"
"I see," Boris replied. "I will contact him there. It is paperwork. Goodbye."
"Whoa, whoa, wait! H-how's Sis?" Revy asked, her voice tight. Grasping the remote, she turned down the volume a few notches to hear him better.
"How is the Kapitan ?" Boris sounded confused, as much as he could be.
"Yeah. I haven't seen her in like, a long fucking time. Cause of dumb shit. So I don't know what's up, Boris."
Boris was quiet for a moment. "The Kapitan is her usual self."
"Has she said anything?" Revy pushed, tapping her foot on the ground nervously. She wanted to appear calm in front of Balalaika's second-in-command, but knowing just how close he was to the blonde made her blood pressure spike. If there was anyone Balalaika would talk to, it would be him .
"No, she is private about that." Boris said. He sure is trying his damndest not to mention anything about what me and Sis might have. After he spoke, he would fall silent, as if already anticipating what Revy was going to say.
Revy's hand shook holding the phone. She hadn't said anything? But she's mine, Boris, she even said so. A burning need to ask more almost had her asking question after question, but she blinked a few times and sighed shakily. "Can you pass a message along? She's not answering me at all. Or are we supposed to cut all contact? What a pain in the ass."
"I am not involving myself. I will now call Dutch-"
"But you did!" Revy scratched the top of her head, tangling her fingers in her locks anxiously. "When you guys drove me to her apartment. Shit, just tell her that I've haven't, ugh, I don't know. I haven't forgotten about her."
Boris sighed, not pleased that she interrupted him. "I have to speak with Dutch."
"You'll tell her?" Revy asked, struggling to hide the twisted hope in her voice.
"I will contact the Kapitan . Goodbye." He sounded resigned.
Sliding the phone into the cradle, Revy put a fist on her hip and paused. Why would they concern Dutch with paperwork? I thought we finished that job fucking days ago. She flicked the volume up for a movie absentmindedly. Biting her nails she watched the rest of it, jiggling one foot and rubbing her healing shoulder. The air was hot even with the cool air on the apartment. Credits rolled, yellow print over a red screen, the music swelled, almost muffling the sound of a bedroom door opening. She jumped, her body freezing. Rock's gone, he's out, he has to be.
"Hey, you mind turning it down?" Benny asked, wearing an old science fiction shirt and boxers, coming out of the hallway. A spoon clinked against a bowl as he headed towards the sink. "Can barely hear myself think."
Over the past days, their friendship had improved slightly. It was a necessity if they were to work with one another; Benny reached out first. He had invited her to watch a movie with the three of them. Revy gritted her teeth and sat through another one of his obscure finds. Things were now different, and she knew he'd never forgive her for what she did to Janet. That was fine for her, because he'll hate her more if Balalaika involved herself, which Revy was certain she was. Yet guilt was all that Revy felt when she looked at Benny, who now had to leave the apartment to see Janet. He hadn't even mentioned her.
"Benny," Revy began, not moving her eyes from the screen. A woman was holding a child and hiding behind remains of a fence. "What does it mean when Hotel Moscow calls up Dutch and has him do paperwork here? Why the fuck not at their home base?" she jerked her head in the mentioned building's direction.
"Oh, well, means that they're probably gonna pay us a visit. Damn, I hope they don't come into the PT boat or anything. I haven't cleaned." Benny said. He turned the faucet on and set to washing the dishes Revy helpfully neglected.
Revy coughed, and dropped the cigarette, burning her foot. Ignoring the pain she instead stared bug-eyed at Benny. "Uh, are you for fuckin' real? When's the last time they did that ?"
"For the life of me I can't remember. Nothing to worry about, probably a little tea time with Dutch while discussing work. Who knows. Sometimes I think Miss Moscow just wants to get out of her office."
"Wonderful." She grumbled. Excitement overcame her anger and sadness, itching through her skin. Scratching her arm, she wanted to tear her flesh off in frustration. To see Balalaika would be too much. To be unable to touch her, or even be spoken too in that intimate way that the blonde did so well… it almost brought Revy to tears, she was so lonely. "When do you think they'll come over? No clue if I have to be here for that bullshit."
"You want to miss Balalaika and Dutch talking philosophy? Reminds me of my community college days." Benny chuckled.
"No fuckin' clue. Kinda wanna spectate." She was already sweating, her stomach twisting.
Benny shrugged. "I'll be out probably. With my girlfriend."
"Alright." she mumbled awkwardly. Yanking open the drawer, she averted her gaze and searched for a cigarette. Her fingers folded around a pack and found the purple lighter she found herself using time and time again. "Rock's out too, huh?"
"Yep."
The screen door rattled open and Dutch entered, clapping his cell phone shut. His boots were heavy on the floor, scuffing along the floor. Raising an eyebrow at the both of them, he grabbed a washcloth and patted the top of his head. "So, later today we'll be getting a quick visit from Hotel Moscow. I'll go out on a limb and assume you both know that?" They both nodded. "Good. They'll be here this evening. Mostly about the Marong bullshit, and then maybe some socializing. Nothing to stress about. Nobody's gonna be thrown on a car hood."
Dutch gave Revy a good, hard look at her paled face.