Akito brushed her hair at the mirror and then threw the brush on the floor, frustrated. Ren had called the hairdresser yesterday and cut her hair that she has been trying to keep long for months. Now they weren't as long as Yuki's and it irritated her. At least, she still has her female clothes, it was the only thing that could reminds her that she was a woman and that no abuse from Ren could change that. Her mind was ready to fight her but her body, her voice, her emotions refused to listen and each time she was in front of Ren, she would stand still, her voice caught in her throat and fear making her body shiver forcefully. Akito wondered if one day she will be free of all of this.
She tried to focus herself on happy thoughts. Last week, she hasn't been able to see Shigure. "My family invited me to our summer house, I couldn't refuse." He said gently, stealing a spoon of her ice cream, she yelled at this in loss. "Are you going somewhere for summer?" he asked gently.
"No, I'll stay home." She grunted angrily, as always, stuck between her bedroom giving on the garden, Kureno's, the bathroom and the living room. Shigure flicked on the empty place between her two eyebrows. "If you want, I can take you with me" he said in a smirk and she suddenly had the desire to, but the ghost Ren's fingers appeared suddenly and strangled her throat, preventing Akito to answer the words that she wanted to say. So, she shook her head. However, she was angry at Shigure to go again without her, and he teased her about it.
"Why are you so mean with me." She had said and Shigure had burst out. "I'm not mean, I'm lovingly teasing you~" he had said and bend down to kiss her cheek and her knuckle. "Never doubt that." His smile had made Akito pout and chill sweetly.
She had been really lonely the Wednesday after and she had wandered for the first time alone in the city. She had passed across numerous restaurants, café, shop and love hotel and she ended her walk in another parc. She had sat on a swing and had swung back and forth. It had entertained her for half of hour before she got bored again, she had decided to wander again in the city. She had thought of going to Ayame store and see Mine again, but she did not really remember the way up there. So, she continued to walk. After a moment, she had lost the city's crowd and had found herself in the middle of a side street. Tired, she had sat on stair and pondered. Had pondered about her life, wondering if it was different of doing it here, outside than doing it in the Sohma estate. She had the impression that if she had continued to walk farer, she would has maybe found her freedom. Yet, she came back to the parc and waited Kureno. On the way, a dog had started to follow her. She had wanted to hit it out of anger, remembering of her owns dog who betrayed her yet. However, when she had seen its muzzle, she had kneeled down and had hug the dog tight against her frame and cried. The dog had gently licked her face, wagging its tail and then, Akito let it go.
She had then hugged herself, she wanted to see Shigure and quick. She wanted him to shield her in his arms and to take her far, far away. But at the same time, she refused to go, because even if the dog deserted her and the bird flew away, she had still ten others zodiacs to take care of and as long as she could be somehow useful to them, she refused to leave their sides. Even that cat…The more she thought about him, she more she thought they were similar, both of them will probably end their life locked up in a house because of a curse they were born with and they were both treated like monster. The more the time passed, the more she desired to meet and talk with the cat-cursed.
She had found her way back and waited Kureno to come pick her. At least he bad been here in time and he had brought her back without a word. That night she had dreamed of Shigure and how warm his embrace would be. They had been laying on the white sand, both wet from playing in water and when Akito had woke up, she had wondered if it was the image she had of freedom and happiness. Her zodiacs never had felt as far to her this morning.
She had missed him all the rest of the week and the fact that the whole Sohma estate was so calm improved her boredom. She had learnt the Saturday that Ren too had went to the Sohma sea house. Akito was green of jealousy, why this woman who was making her life a hell each time the gates of the Sohma estate closed behind her had the chance to be with her zodiacs. Akito knew how much Ren despised them, she was just showing off to Akito.
She groaned and stood up. It was time to go anyway.
Shigure was already here by the pond however Akito was surprised to see him with glasses on the nose. He was writing and Akito had to admit that it was the first time she saw him at work. He was completely immersed in his own little world, his hand was moving again and again. She wanted him to look at her so she could enjoy his wearing glasses face even more. She felt proud to know that this handsome man was hers. Without a word, she sat next to him and put her head on his shoulder. He vaguely stroked her hair, his eyes still on his paper and his hand endlessly writing. She wanted to pull his sleeve brutally so he will have to look at her. But she decided otherwise, thinking that it wouldn't be the wiser thing to do after two weeks of separation.
His hand finally stopped to move after two longs minutes and he put his pen on the grass and clapped the board he was writing on, putting his work and his things back in a bag he brought with him, he removed his glasses and then he kissed Akito's forehead. "Hey." He simply said, his lips still against her skin. He breathed in. "Hm, you changed your shampoo no?" he asked suddenly pulling himself away to look at her face. "And you cut your hair!" He said in a beam, rubbing his thumbs on each side of her cheeks.
She just nodded a bit and she thought herself that if Shigure fingers were touching her face even closer than usual when he was caressing her hair, then maybe having it short wasn't that bad. "You're working?" she asked, her eyes shifting to the bag next to him, the one where he had put his stuffs away. "Yeah, I haven't been able to work at the summer house." He laughed and she frowned. 'Yeah, you couldn't work here so you prefer working when I'm with you, it's just perfect.' Thought sourly Akito. She wanted to snuggle beside him and at the same time scratch his arm until he bled to punish him to be that daring.
"I really wanted though, but things went a kind of wrong there so I'm late in my own schedule" he sighed, laying on the grass on putting his arms behind his head. Akito shifted her position to look at him from the top. She made a sound to ask him to explain. He risen an arm and touched the necklace he had bought her. It was a pretty designed flower made of silver with a red drop in the middle. "Oh, nothing much, I had to go to hospital~" he sang. Akito eyes went wide and she studied quickly his body, trying to find any trace of hurt, Shigure laughed even more. "Haw, you're worried for me."
Akito roared and pinched his wrist, that idiot just lied to her to makes her worry. "Next time you lie to me on purpose, I'll be the one sending you to hospital." She said, her face red from a mix of irritation and embarrassment. Shigure chuckled. "But I didn't lie."
"Then you should be in a worst state!" she said and he straightened his back and took her chin between his fingers. "I never said I was the one hospitalized~" Akito eyes widened and she clicked her tongue, annoyed, and she looked aside. "Why are you always testing me?" she grunted and Shigure laughed. "Because I love you?" he offered and she send him a glare. "Nah, really, it made me so happy was you were worried for me~" he said playfully in a voice that sounded like a delightful laugh. "Who it was then?" she replied, red till her ears and Shigure kissed her forehead again.
"Shigure, what happened then?" she asked once more, annoyed that he was ignoring her. Shigure grimaced funnily and hummed. "Ah, it was a cousin of mine, he had been attacked, we were quite surprised he ended so damaged, he is strong as a bull you know."
"Is he okay?" she asked without thinking, it was like she wasn't herself talking. Why was she caring? "Ah, he is still in hospital, but he will be discharged in a month. He will miss a few days of school though." He shrugged. "It has spoilt our holiday pretty much. It would have been better if you were with me~" he teased and she sighed.
"You know I can't" she said and Shigure rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah." And Akito hated the tone he used, as if she was throwing a whim and that he was just being really patient. "Shigure don't use that tone with me!" she said, fisting her hands. "What's tone?" he taunted. "This one like if you're talking to a child! It's annoying!"
"Eh, but, I'm sure there are more annoying things here." He said a thinking tone, tapping his index on his chin in thought, Akito frowned. "Like what?" she asked not liking where this discussion was going.
"I don't know Akito, maybe seeing your girlfriend only once in a week for about four hours?" he suddenly said coldly, yet he was still smiling. Her eyes went wide in shock and she was gritting her teeth the second after. "Are you criticizing me Shigure?" She asked in a low tone and Shigure stood silent, yet his eyes were showing her his real thoughts about the situation. She was starting to shiver from anger.
"I don't have the choice I already told you!" she yelled and Shigure turned his head away. "We all have the choice." He said coldly, sending a chill all along Akito's back. Never before Shigure had treated her that way, it shocked her. "Why…Why are you saying that suddenly?!" she asked once the control of her body and her voice was back. Shigure barely looked at her, prefering to stare at the water of the pond. "Shigure! Answer me!" She pulled his shirt and only at this moment he has consented to look at her. His expression was so hard that she freezes under the shock.
"You really wonder? Really Akito?" he asked. His voice was low and controlled yet Akito could hear all the anger and resentment in it. Slowly she nodded, grapping the tissue of his shirt harder. She saw in his eyes that it irritated him even more and he took her wrist of the hand that was holding his clothes and pulled it on the grass. Akito hiccupped in shock. "I guess that it's alright for you to see me only during those few hours. Look like I don't matter that much for you huh?" he said coldly. "Maybe I should do the same? What do you think Akito?" she wanted to cry out of fear.
"Maybe I should go? If I'm not that important." He said threateningly and Akito was shivering, no, that was not what she wanted. Her breath hitched and it was all it needed to calm Shigure cold anger. He bowed his head and stared the grass. Akito was trying dear to not burst in tears at the mere thought of Shigure leaving her for good.
"Akito…Do you realize we won't have any future if this continue?" he said more softly, but she did not say anything. "I want to take you out sometime out the night so we can eat in a fancy restaurant" he started and Akito wanted too. "I want to take you in holiday at Shiga. Visiting Hikone castle or wandering around Biwa lake together." He said and Akito could imagine it, her hand in his and playing with him in the water. "And then, we could take the train until Nara and feed the deer" She nodded. She wanted to, she wanted it so much.
Shigure took her chin and lifted her head. "So…Why can't we?" he asked softly and Akito pulled his hand away. Not answering. "Akito" he called and she felt like he was criticizing her again and she felt the need to defend herself. "You're good at talking but you're not better!" she said, as angry as he was a minute before.
"Ah?" he frowned, daring her to give him an example. "Talking about future and all. But then, why won't you hug me? Aren't we a couple? You claim to love me and each time I try to get close to you, you reject me! You think I wouldn't notice?!" Shigure eyes went wide.
"At least it's not my choice, me too I want to see you all the time! But you, what's your excuse?!" She suddenly leant closer and he stood still, however his gaze was preventing her to go even nearer of him. She hated it. "Kissing is okay, but I can't touch you? And after that you dare to lecture me!" she laughed wickedly "I should be the one wondering if you really care about me!" she was starting to say thing she didn't mean, as if she was in a contest to see which one of them will have the last word. "For you, not seeing me is okay, but me I always wait for you! I always did! Can you claim the opposite uh?!"
Shigure fixed stubbornly the pond, frowning his eyebrows hard. Akito wanted to spill more of her venin, wanted to told him all the rancor she had in mind, so she continued. Continued to rant all the time she had to wait for him, during the fall when he wasn't coming to see her and then she asked, who mattered the more for each other. After she said it all, panting from getting all of her anger out of her chest they both stood silent.
Suddenly Akito realized what she had done and she remembered a young Yuki threatening to leave her if she was too mean. Akito paled and tried to catch a sight of Shigure face. He was still looking at the distance with a deep frown and even though it was the middle of the hot, hot summer, Akito felt cold.
"So, we agree that we have no future?" Shigure terrible voice said and Akito had the impression that all the air had left her lungs. Her worse nightmare was becoming true. She urgently grabbed his shirt once more and Shigure looked back at her, she fixed his eyes with a with wretched expression. "N-No, we…We can make it work, with patience and time, may-maybe it will get better and I…And we could be together whenever we want…" she tried to say, desperately, but her tongue felt like sand and she was stuttering.
"Akito" he called but she was so scared to the idea of breaking up and never seeing him again that she did not notice the face he was doing and instead, she continued to talk, she did not want to hear him talk about breaking up. "Maybe if we call more often or send text or…"
"Akito." He called once more but she was starting to panic, panting and holding back sob. "Please don't leave me Shigure, I beg you." She teared off, bending her body in half. Shigure took her by the shoulder. "Akito, look at me." She shook her head, she was sure if she looked him, it would be over. "Akito!" he forced her to look at him and he studied her face a moment before wiping off a tear. "Really Akito, aren't you crying a little too easily?" he said with a little grin and she sniffed.
"Who talked about leaving you." He said softly. "No future…" she whispered, repeating his words and Shigure shook his head and sighed, framing her face with his hands. "Yeah…If we continue that way, right?" he answered in a gentle tone, the one he always used when he was telling her love words. "But we don't want that, right?" he asked and she vividly nodded. "We will have to be patient and work a lot on it, right?" Akito frowned, she wasn't a patient person and she did not know what kind of work she could do with him to improve their relationship. She couldn't tell his existence to Ren; she would erase his memories of her and she will really be left alone.
Ah, he already talked about escaping, but there was no way, he was just joking and the zodiacs…They needed her, right? She was their god, she had to stay. The mere thought of leaving them was scaring Akito. Yet she wondered why did they mattered so much, in comparison to Shigure, what had they done for her? How many time left before the others zodiacs follow the example of the dog and the bird?
But, what about her responsibilities as the future chief of the Sohma clan? She internally sighed, ah, she will have to wait for a long time before holding a little bit of power. Until Ren's death probably. Won't it be too late? She felt bitter, the more time passed, the more she understood that nothing was holding her back at the Sohma's estate. Yet…Something in her was screaming that she shouldn't ever leave them, never leave their banquet, make it last for eternity. But, did she wanted to live for the rest of her life behind those walls?
She looked at Shigure and caressed his jaw. If she were to wish for eternity, it was by his side. He took her hand and put it on his cheek "I've made my choice Akito." He said, bringing her back to the reality. She stroked his skin with her thumb. They both smiled. "You're not going to get rid of me that easily." He said and Akito breath hitched, ah, she really loved him.
"Shigure…Please hug me." His smirk became a sad smile and just leant to kiss her softly. At the end, he did not hug her, yet she could see in his eyes how much he desired it and Akito did not understand.
'If you want to hug me too…What's holding you back?'
Aaah, they're starting to fight and I feel like their relationship is more like in the manga? I hope it's not only an impression ;;;