One for Sorrow

Pairing: McRoll

Spoilers for season 10 - Episode 7

Chapter - 23

Hearing her say all of that, it was like a weight had finally lifted off his shoulders. He had long suspected that her joining the CIA was not her idea, nor was it something she would have willingly participated in unless there was a reason and the reason was that she was keeping him safe. "To be honest Cath, and this is nothing against your abilities because I think you would have been recruited on your own merits as well, but I did think that was a possibility, that you had been recruited because of your relationship to me and to five-o.. I only say that because I know how much you despised the CIA as well, so it didn't make sense to me that you would join them all of a sudden out of the blue".

His hand remained enclosed with hers for the duration of this talk, his fingers entwining around hers, his eyes only briefly moving away from her and that was to keep an eye on Eddie, to make sure he wasn't going far away. Not that he would, he had missed his Daddy and wanted to be as close to Steve as he could.. His gaze went back to Catherine though and he sighed softly knowing for the first time just exactly the amount of pain that had been caused at the hands of the CIA. First they take his mother away from him by having her fake her own death and re-joining them, all the attempts they made on his life, losing Catherine to them and now losing his Mother to them.

"I'm so sorry Steve, I really wanted to tell you". Her voice was breaking, nearly trembling as she said those words. She never wanted to lie to him again after not telling him about her mother and the fight they had gotten into during the undercover op when she went under with the Diamond Dolls roller derby team. Using the hand that was enjoined with hers, he gently pulled her up and guided her over to his seat and pulled himself up as well, his free hand resting on her cheek, his eyes gazing deeply into hers. "I know you did and I know you were ordered to not tell me so I understand the reason why you couldn't tell me Cath.. We have been on dozens of missions where we couldn't tell the other what we were doing".

On the inside, he was seething, not at Catherine but at the fact that this was yet another thing the CIA took from him. If they hadn't recruited her, she would have been free to stay in Hawaii and he would have proposed to her, and they would have been happily married for a few years at least.. That lost time was time they could never get back now, so was he angry? Of course he was, but he wasn't angry at Catherine. She had a job to do, a mission to go on and orders to not tell anyone where she was going or what she was doing. Her tears were still flowing down her face, the pad of his thumb gently wiping a tear drop away, "You're angry though", she whispered in a soft sad voice, looking down at the ground, not wanting to look him in the eye right now.

Using his fingers under her chin, he gently guided her head back to him and looked at her, "Look at me Cath". When she finally let her eyes meet his, he squeezed her hand that he was still holding, "Yes, I'm angry, but I promise you, I'm not angry at you.. I'm just angry that the CIA has taken those years from us.. We could have been married by now, maybe had a kid or two, but we will never know because of them". She had to smile when he mentioned marriage and children and she sighed a huge sigh of relief knowing he wasn't angry at her and that this information didn't seem to be affecting them. "That's true, however they can't control us anymore, and they don't control our future Steve".

With his confused look on his face, she knew he was wondering what she meant by that. She was going to wait till after Doris's funeral to tell him this, but now with her coming clean about why she had joined the CIA, now was a good a time as any to tell him she was leaving it.. "Wait here a moment, I'll be back". She untangled her hand from his and headed inside to find her duffel bag, and taking out the letter, she walked back out to the Lānai where Steve was still standing where she had left him. "I was going to show you this after the funeral services was over and once you were settled a bit more at home, but after sharing what I have tonight, I think now is the right time".

Handing him the copy of the resignation letter, she added, "You might want to sit down for that too". As he began to read the letter, she waited with baited breath to see what his reaction would be to it. He carefully read the whole letter in which she stated she was resigning effective immediately from the CIA and that though she had enjoyed the experience even though she was coerced into joining, she decided that she wanted to settle down and put down some permanent roots in her life. Halfway through reading, he did feel the need to sit down, sitting on the seat he had occupied just before, Catherine sitting back down in the chair next to him. She also mentioned very clearly in the letter that five-o was off limits and that now that Doris McGarrett had been killed in the line of duty, they were to leave her son and his family alone for good.

She didn't make any direct threats in the letter, however her intentions were clear, that should they mess with five- and more importantly Steve McGarrett, she wouldn't let that rest. His eyes were getting a little misty as he came to the realisation of just what that resignation letter meant. He kept re-reading the part about how she wanted to settle down and put down permanent roots.. Catherine was feeling a little nervous, not sure of his reaction but when he looked up and he was smiling at her, she smiled back.. "You've resigned, to settle down and put some permanent roots down?", he couldn't help but question. Before she could answer, he added quickly, "And where do you think you'd want to settle down and put down some roots then Lieutenant?"

She smiled softly, a tiny red hue on her cheeks showing, her heart racing a little when he asked her that question. "I'm not getting any younger you know and I'd like to try the whole settling down thing before I get too old". Standing up and walking over to him, she sat on his lap and leaned in, pressing her lips against his own, relishing in the feeling of his lips against hers. "Well Commander, I was thinking about settling down here in Hawaii, if that is quite okay with you?" Kissing her back softly, letting a small moan escape the back of his throat, he nodded, pulling away slightly to answer her question. "That is very much okay with me.. I only have one request". Her fingers were fiddling with the collar of his shirt as he spoke, and she nodded, "and that is?", answering him back coyly.

"Move back in with me.. I mean we can still take our time and go as slowly or as quickly as we feel is comfortable, but having you in the same bed the last few days", he stopped for a moment for a breath before he continued, "I realised just how much I've missed it, missing your scent, your touch and just knowing you were there to wake up with me the next morning". He missed her more than he ever realised, it was why he ended up breaking things off with Lynn as well. It wasn't fair on her keeping things casual when he couldn't give her more than what she wanted or needed. Leaning in again, she kissed him softly and pulled away, "I wouldn't want it any other way Sailor".

Her arms were wrapped around his neck and just at that moment, she happened to glance at the time, "It's late, we should head up to bed, try to get some sleep.. We have a big morning ahead of us, talking to the funeral planner and director about the service". Steve nodded, sitting up a little so he could kiss her again. Losing his mother was painful and hard, but the one good thing to come out of it all, it was that Catherine was still by his side once again. She had proven herself over and over, time and time again. She had gotten him when his mother was being held by the CIA for trying to help Wo Fat's father escape, then she was there when Joe White was killed, and now with his mother.. Catherine stood up and helped to pull him to his feet, picking up the nearly empty beer bottles. She could sense he needed a moment alone so she leaned in and kissed him softly, "I'll be waiting upstairs for you.. I love you Sailor". As she walked away, she could hear him call back to her, "I love you too Cath".

Author's Notes.

Thank you again for all your support. I always say this in my Author notes but it truly does mean a lot to me and makes the difference in when you are writing a story. Knowing you have people that read it and appreciate it, it is what keeps me continuing this story. I am starting to think of this as a kind of continuation of my Winds of Change story. I will go back to that at some point, but I may end that one to where they leave each other at the end of that episode but that they have started to stay in more regular communication with each other after that.

I know I mentioned that I'd leave the news of Catherine's resignation till after the funeral services, but this seemed like the right time to tie it all in with why she joined the CIA. I have always wanted to go into that and have Catherine tell him the reason why. I do believe that is why she joined, because she was coerced by the CIA so they wouldn't hurt Steve.

I'd like to also add something somewhere, even if it's a one shot where she hears about Grace's accident and maybe reaches out to Steve, Danny and even Rachel even if it's just by phone. Maybe I might even do a one shot where she surprises them by visiting at Danny's home on the day Grace comes home from hospital.