"So, you mean to tell me," Sam rounded on Cas immediately after sealing Dean inside his room to rest away from their conversation, "that all this time. All this damn time, you've had your grace intact?"
"Sam, I need to be with him," Cas tried to push past the taller Winchester but was denied access. The two of them stared at each other for a full minute. "Okay," Cas huffed out a sigh with his eyes downcast. "Okay, fine."
"Let's talk," Sam stated in a stiff tone, gesturing to the War Room. "Dean's resting up. But I'm not sure that he's going to be fine after he realizes what the hell you've done –"
"I had my reasons," Cas stormed over to the map table and rounded on the other man. After all this time, they were finally having a full-blown argument. They never argued with each other; him and Sam. But now he could see the anger flashing behind emerald eyes, and he could only anticipate the kind of tornado that would form behind Dean's own.
"Cas, you've been lying to Dean –"
"I did it because I was scared, Sam!" Cas was so frustrated from being misunderstood, that he balled his fists and rested them onto the table between them. "And maybe you wouldn't understand this time, but I can only try to explain this to you."
"Go ahead then," Sam gestured, providing the other man with the opportunity to speak. "Tell me what on earth could force you to blatantly lie about still being an angel to Dean when he's been thinking all along that you've lost your grace. Do you know how this looks on your side, Cas? It looks bad. The moment he wakes up, he's going to start questioning how the hell he was healed and what happened. And when fits everything together after he figures it out because he will, believe me he will," Sam licked his lips, "he's going to realize that you have been keeping secrets –"
"Sam, it's a secret I felt that I needed to keep," Cas tried.
Staring in disbelief at the other man, Sam raised his eyebrows. "Do you even know Dean at all, like really know him?"
Cas was the one who sent across a look of amazement. "Why would you even ask me that?"
Sam sighed. He ran his hand over his face. "Dude, Dean hates secrets! He hates when anyone keeps things from him. The biggest fallouts we ever had stemmed from me not telling him the truth. All his damn life he's been hanging by a thread, relying on honesty to survive because he expects the people close to him would trust him enough to tell him the truth. And when he doesn't get the damn truth, he feels terrible about it."
With his chest heaving, Cas leaned onto the back of a chair and lowered his eyes onto the table. "I was going to tell him…I really was. But I couldn't find the right time to do it."
"Then why didn't you tell me at least, huh?" Sam felt so hurt, he couldn't believe that a friend would do something like that. "Why couldn't you come to me and talk to me about it?"
When Cas didn't answer, Sam sunk into the chair and sighed. He couldn't believe that Cas could become so reckless. That Cas could not understand the magnitude of what he had done by concealing something so huge from Dean.
"This reminds me of how hurt I was when the two of you fell out and you blocked me out of your life," Sam said in a saddened tone. "You didn't answer my calls. You didn't even take some time to respond to my texts. And I felt so damn lost, I kept worrying about you, but you never reached out. And now, all I can say is that on my behalf, as your best friend, Cas, I'm so hurt that you couldn't come to me and talk to me."
"Sam—"
"No, let me finish," the taller Winchester held up his hand. "You couldn't even come to me, give me that satisfaction of knowing that I could be trusted. And worst of all, you hid something so huge from the one person who loves you with all his heart. Dean. He has been giving you nothing but the damn truth, Cas. He's been opening up to you. Telling you everything there is that's wrong with his life. And you just couldn't suck it up and come right out and tell him that you're still an angel."
Cas' throat ached. Maybe it was the struggle of holding the tears at bay.
"I should have known, man I should have seen this so long ago," Sam wiped his face and sighed. "When you mentioned that you and Dean still have a connection…that profound bond…when you knew that he was in danger and he was hurt…I should have known that you still had your mojo. He's going to flip out, Cas."
"Don't you think that I know that already?" Cas asked in a strained tone. "Even if I had told him earlier, Dean would have become infuriated because since Chuck screwed up, he's hated anything in connection to Heaven. He cannot fathom the possibility that all this time, every choice that he has made hasn't been orchestrated by God himself. Chuck…pulling all the strings. Repeatedly I have told him that we have made some major choices on our own. That we're real. And he still wouldn't believe that he has free will. Now can you imagine how he will react when he discovers that the man he loves is still connected to something that he hates…" Cas choked on a sob.
Sam allowed him to regain his composure whilst crumbling inside too. Because not too long ago, he had mentioned to Dean that Cas probably didn't want to show off his wings because it reminded him of something his brother detested in general. The existence of a greater entity that pulled all the strings. Now, watching Cas fall in front of him, Sam feared what the aftermath would be like when his brother would find out the truth.
"Cas, you need to tell him," was all Sam could muster up considering the fears. "You need to come right out and say it to him. Tell him the truth. I'm going to try to back you two up in any way that I can, but this is something both of you need to handle on your own. You're a couple now and in order to work through this, I think that you need to come to terms with what you did and the consequences. And I'll tell you now, Cas, Dean will not handle this well at all. Not because of finding out that you're still an angel. But because you lied to him."
"I need time, Sam," Cas croaked, pleading with Sam for understanding.
The other man sighed. "That's something you really don't have right now." And pushing himself up from the chair, Sam dragged his feet out of the room and into the kitchen.
But he couldn't do it, could he?
Cas buried his face into his folded arms and cried. Not only because he was frustrated but because he was terrified of Dean's reaction. And at the same time, he started to feel anger welling up in his chest because of Dean's refusal to believe that anything good could originate from anything celestial when all these years, the hunter had been in love with a celestial being.
How was it fair to feel so conflicted about his true self in the eyes of his lover?
Cas sat at the table for three hours and hated that he was an angel. He hated that he could feel his celestial energy at full force again. He hated that he could still hear the muffled voices on angel radio, and he could still feel the power in Heaven failing as fewer angels remained in existence.
But then, he also loved that he had grown to feel as an angel. To feel things like love and complete attraction towards a human. To feel everything there was in terms of loving a man physically. When he held Dean, his body, and his life force radiated from within and he didn't feel alien to the effects of love.
He chose to do things as any human would, like showering. Or brushing his teeth. Eating peanut butter sandwiches with Dean and sharing cups of tea. He loved to listen to Dean breathing. At nights Dean tried to fall asleep after Cas did, but Cas never slept. He listened for the slow measured breaths originating from Dean and then he lived the rest of the night gazing lovingly at his human.
He felt so torn apart though, that into the next day, Cas was literally lightheaded from holding his breath. Into the afternoon, Dean was still weak and residing in his room behind a locked door. And the attempt Dean made to seal out any of them pounded fear into Cas' heart because he could feel something change between them. He knew that Dean was struggling and like Sam had said, his brother would put two and two together and figure this out fast.
When they did come face to face again though, Cas was sitting in the kitchen trying to take measured sips from a blend of honey and ginger tea. Although he tried, he couldn't calm his nerves. And he began to really question the state of his grace because there were emotions that he felt stronger now. And maybe loving Dean had opened up that side of his celestial existence and in that moment, when Dean showed up in the doorway, Cas stopped breathing.
The two of them stared at each other for a long time before the hunter crossed the threshold and went to the coffee machine.
It was already past four in the afternoon and Dean felt the need to suck up caffeine. The choice alone suggested so much more and whilst Cas mulled over the next half an hour's expectations, his heart would not slow down.
"How are you feeling?" he tried in a weak voice as Dean collected the cup from under the machine and leaned onto the counter.
Emerald eyes met blue ones and there were shadows behind the former shade. Somehow, all the darkness inside Dean's mind had returned. "Like I'm a shitty person."
Cas blinked. His fingers felt so cold wrapped around a warm cup of tea. "Dean, why would you say something like that?"
"You tell me, Cas."
He knew. From the moment Cas realized that the pieces had indeed fitted together, and they were on the same page, he felt as if his entire world had turned upside down. "Dean…"
"What?" the hunter asked in a broken voice, his eyes clouding with tears immediately. "Huh? What do you want me to say to you right now?"
Cas felt his heart crack in many places and he just couldn't see clearly as his eyes glistened. And he really didn't know what to say at that point.
"I want you to tell me that you are willing to listen to why I held back the truth," Cas took measured breaths, his gaze pleading, "because you love me."
"You are unbelievable," Dean shook his head and reaching up, he wiped away the tears on his cheeks. "How the hell can you sit there and justify your actions with the way I feel about you? Are you trying to tell me that it's okay for you to lie to me and then, because I love you, I'll understand?"
"Dean, I felt like I had no choice –"
"You always have a choice!" the other man cried in a hoarse tone, as the coffee cup shook dangerously in his grasp. "Over and over again I keep telling you the same damn thing and it's like you still find a way to screw everything up between us over the years. You've always had a choice, Cas! And I just thought that when you chose me this time, that everything would be different. Because this time, I meant the world to you and I gave everything to you. And you…screwed it up." Covering his face, Dean began to sob.
"Dean," Cas rose up from his place at the table and slowly approached the other man, "I didn't tell you because I know of your feelings towards Chuck and how you despise him."
"You honestly believe that I'm angry because of Chuck?" Dean revealed his eyes and blinked through tears.
Cas' saddened expression revealed so much hurt. "I thought that you would not want to affiliate your heart with something in connection to an entity that tried to kill us all. Remember how you questioned your free will? I kept believing that every time you would look at me, all you would see is the chaos and the wars and why? Because I'm still connected to the one thing you and your brother hate the most. God. You want him dead. So why would I…" Cas' voice broke. He swallowed and took a measured breath in order to face Dean again. "Why would I willingly confess to you that I'm still an angel?"
"Because regardless of how the truth will hurt, we should love each other enough to face it," Dean shook his head. "Now you've just pushed us back a good way, and when I look at you…" the hunter's face contorted as he tried to fight the tears. "When I look at you all I can feel is this really cold feeling inside of my chest—"
"Dean…" Cas pleaded. "Please, I love you."
"I feel so cold right now, every single time my heart beats, it freaking hurts. When I look at you, I'm supposed to feel like I'm safe and I can trust you but I don't feel that right now."
The hunter squeezed out the tears through his eyes. "…because you made me believe that you were as vulnerable as I am as a human. And because I thought you were a human, I couldn't sleep most times, terrified that we would be on a hunt and you'd get wounded and then you wouldn't be able to heal yourself. You made me actually think a lot about what I'd do if I lost you and now…"
Both of them swallowed the thick silence and even when their eyes connected again, the hurt in emerald ones was like a dark, threatening abyss.
"I don't want to lose you either, Dean," Cas tried…feeling his hands grow numb. His knees were so weak. He held onto the table and tried to control his breathing.
"Please tell me that you haven't been tuning into angel radio all this time," the hunter said in a soft, wounded voice. "That you don't know what Chuck is up to and where he is."
When Cas offered him nothing but a look of utter guilt, Dean stared in disbelief at the man he honestly believed could trust him enough to reveal everything there was.
"You don't want us to take him down," Dean finally marveled over the loyalty behind Cas' motives. "After all this damn time, after all he's done, you're going to take his side."
"Stop making assumptions. I'm not taking his side," Cas stared in disbelief. "I can't believe that you would even ponder on such a thought. Dean, this is not about taking sides. This is about the faith of the world hanging on a thread. Have you even realized that the darkness and God must balance each other out at the same time to accomplish a stable universe? If you take one away, then the entire board is flipped over."
"What he did was freaking vile and someone has to do something about it!"
"But you cannot go on a suicide mission, Dean!" Cas fired back. "Trying to kill God will take a lot more than the aid of an angel and two humans."
"What should convince me now that you're on our side?" Dean asked in disbelief. "After all, you're an angel, right? You're part of his army."
"You need to stop second guessing my loyalty to you and Sam," Cas retorted in a cold manner. "I am simply trying to help you face reality here. That defeating Chuck would be murderous. Amara barely managed to weaken him, and she is far more powerful than we will ever be. Do you really think that we could even bring him down?"
"I'm not having this conversation with you," Dean suddenly said, shaking his head and moving towards the door leading out of the kitchen.
"Why?" Cas was growing angry now because of the inability of the other man to really rationalize the situation. He followed close behind. "Don't you want to face the facts? Okay, let's talk about our relationship then –"
"What relationship?" Dean rounded on the other man, his eyes on fire. "The one where you hide things from me? Where you can literally stand in front of me and take the side of something so fucking terrible that tried to kill me and my brother. But then oh right," he forced out a smile. "Nothing bad would happen to you, would it? Every single time you die, your dear old dad brings you back –"
"Dean don't –" Cas warned, his blue eyes like cold ice.
"Don't what?" Dean demanded in a harsh tone, his chest burning from anger. "Don't hit you with the truth? Right now, you're proving to me why the hell I have never trusted your kind in the first place! It's because you're so damn loyal to the company motto. You can't stray away from it!"
"My kind?" Cas' parted lips trembled. His chest heaved. "You're really going to stand there and insult who I am, Dean?"
"I'm not insulting who you are. I'm telling you how crappy your ties with Heaven are."
"Without Heaven," Cas stepped closer, his eyes filled with a thousand fires, "you wouldn't have met the man you claim to love with every ounce of your being."
"I thought the man I love would be brutally honest with me," Dean fired back. "Because all I've done is be completely honest with you. No matter how painful this has been, I've told you nothing but the truth whilst you've been keeping the most important part of your life from me!"
"The most important part of my life is you, Dean!" Cas cried hoarsely.
Dean shook his head.
"That's why me telling you that I'm still an angel wasn't of utmost importance. It's because I have been focusing on you. Constantly. I've been there for you. I've given up everything."
"Cas, you don't know how this feels!"
"I know exactly how it feels!" the other man suddenly vented in frustration. "I've loved you for ten long years, Dean."
"I never asked you to love me," Dean shook his head and swallowed bitter bile. "I have always been flawed. Don't blame me for the mistakes I've made when you've made yours."
"Don't blame me for the mistakes my kind has made either. It does not mean that I am like them. Also, you refuse to face reality, Dean," Cas tried again. "And the reality is that if we even attempt to destroy the entity that fuels the earth with life, then naturally you will die."
"I don't fucking care."
"Can you stop being such a pain in the ass?" Cas was stunned. "Can you stop being so childish?"
"I'm childish?"
"You're the one who's using this as the opportunity to hurt me."
"I'm not the one who lied!" Dean gasped. "You're the one who's hurting me!"
"We're both hurting each other right now, and we need to stop this."
"How could I be so stupid?" Dean stepped back as tears leaked from his eyes. "How the hell could I even believe that loving me would change you as much as loving you changed me? At the end of the day, I'm the hopeless crappy human who fell for you and you're just another piece on Chuck's Game of Life board."
"Dean, we need to stop this right now," Cas warned. "Before we expounded on our feelings for each other, you fell in love with me without realizing it. And I have always been an angel. I have always had these…crappy ties to Heaven. If you can stand in front of me and judge me for the bad decisions the rest of the angels and Chuck have made, then I really must ask you to reassess your feelings for me. Because you claim to not care whether I'm human or an angel. But right now, it feels as if you'd rather have me only if I'm a human than when I'm an angel who has ties to your worst enemy."
"Cas…" The hunter inhaled deeply as his forehead creased from scowling.
"I can't help it, Dean. This is who I am. And I'm sorry that I withheld the truth from you, but I anticipated this outburst. I have had terrible premonitions about it. The moment I discovered that my grace had been restored, I began to actually hate myself because of your negative views on Chuck. But you've been drowning in your own pain and your own struggle with acceptance of who you are, that you never really noticed how wounded I have been." Cas stepped back when Dean tried to touch him.
And because of that one small gesture of denial from an attempt at affection, the hunter stared back and felt his heart crack. He couldn't believe that Cas would flinch like that.
"I hate that you lied to me," Dean tried to hang on to the sliver of hope between them.
Cas, however, shook his head and stared back, his blue eyes flat. "I hate that you pushed every single moment that I've loved and cared for you aside to raise your voice at me. To lash out at me with horrible words. I've had enough, Dean. I really have."
Finally, the tears flowed like a river. Dean stood there, and felt so cold inside, he felt as dead as ever. "So that's it," he said in a voice that was barely a whisper. Here they were, at the end of the rope and his fingers had burns on them from trying to hold on. From trying to push through the pain just enough so that he could still believe in what they had.
"That's what?" Cas couldn't breathe when he witnessed the hunter's eyes drowning.
"You're calling it quits on us."
"What?" Cas stared in disbelief at the other man. For a moment, he couldn't speak.
"If you're ending this, then don't expect me to give up too because –"
"Dean!" Cas cried hoarsely, "would you just shut up? We've only had our first fight together as a couple. This doesn't mean that I'm going to end our relationship. Yes, you have said many hurtful things that I will possibly cry all night thinking about. But you were honest with me about your feelings. And I was honest with you. It doesn't mean that after ten years of loving you, I will give up."
"I just thought…" Dean stopped, swallowed and felt angry still. Because the wounds were still fresh.
When anyone lied to him, he kicked up a storm. But Cas wasn't just anyone. He was so much more. And now, Cas was really screwing with his mind because no one had ever proven to him that he was worth it like Cas. That even after arguing wildly, Cas still held on. And the more he thought about it, the more he felt so stupid with the way he reacted.
"You thought that I would break up with you?" Cas shook his head. "Dean, I know that what I did was wrong. I've accepted that. But right now, after what you've said to me, I need some time to myself to process a few things. And I am going for a drive. I'll grab a few groceries whilst I'm gone and –"
"Don't leave me," Dean suddenly said with so much pain in his voice, the other man stopped after almost leaving the room and turned back. The doubts flapped wildly inside Dean's chest.
"I can't stay here with you right now," Cas tried to keep his voice level although he was crumbling inside. "We both need to cool off or else we might have another go at expelling our anger."
"Please tell me you love me," the hunter pleaded. "At least say those three words."
"Dean…" Cas stared at the other man.
But Dean would not give up. He reached for Cas' hand, and tugged him in and when he crushed their lips together the verdict was reached. Cas didn't kiss him back. Instead, what Dean felt was the brutal truth of knowing that whatever was said between them in the heated argument, everything had changed. And when Cas didn't kiss him back, he stepped away slowly, hands falling to his sides and Dean blinked through the tears.
"Okay," he said, nodding as his chest heaved. Nothing made sense anymore in his life at that point. "So, you can't even kiss me. Go then."
"Fine," Cas nodded slowly, his face stolid. And turning on the spot, he began to walk away. But whilst climbing the steps inside the bunker, feeling like he couldn't wait to rush outside and scream his anger to the sky, there were rushed footfalls behind him. And he stopped.
"Cas," Dean croaked from behind him, instantly forcing tears to the other man's eyes. "I just want you to know that if you leave, and you don't come back, you'll break my…heart. And I'll believe that I deserve it because I've never believed that I deserve you. So, if you don't come back this time, I'll know that we're…over and…" there was a few seconds of silence. "And I'll keep pushing until I can't anymore."
As much as Cas wanted to turn around and run into Dean's arms, he was so conflicted from the things the hunter had said to him, that he continued climbing the steps. He continued because he really couldn't stay any longer, not whilst they were mad at each other. And the more distance he put between the two of them, Cas sobbed as his chest felt like it would explode.
He reached the Impala and after trying to open the door, realized that he hadn't collected the keys from Dean. But he couldn't go back inside the bunker. Not when Dean was probably crying at the bottom of the steps.
How could he have been so damn ignorant? Cas thought about himself. How could he have hidden the truth? Regardless, he should have trusted Dean enough to confess right away. And now, Cas crumbled onto the grass by the front wheel of the Impala, buried his face in his arms and he cried. He cried because he always seemed to screw everything up. He couldn't believe he had argued back with Dean. The things he had said. How he had defended Chuck when he despised him as much as Dean did.
But every single time someone threatened the place he used to call home; Heaven, Cas automatically got defensive and he hated his response. And now, he felt worthless and lost without Dean next to him. He felt terrified that he couldn't kiss him back. That he pulled away his hand from Dean's touch. And after walking a mile down the road, Cas walked another then another until he ended up in a bookstore. And after aimlessly perusing volumes that meant nothing to him really, he felt a tap on his shoulder.
Turning around, Cas was greeted by a face that drenched him in a cold, sickening feeling.
"Hello, son," Chuck said smiling warmly as something dangerous glinted behind his eyes. "Missed me?"