Erwin Smith stepped outside the barracks to allow himself to simply breathe. He did not know what time it was exactly. Hours might have passed, days, or minutes; it was all one to him. The night was dark around him, with no sign of dawn yet. The Survey Corps had mostly retired to the inn. Nearly all of them had wanted to remain and wait—Ral was popular—but they finally understood that they would do nothing but get in the way and inflame tensions. A few had remained. The others on Squad Levi, and Nifa. Hange was still in the operating room, and Nanaba and Mike were standing alongside one another against the wall, both looking grimly stoic.

The same could not be said for poor Oruo. Erwin had passed him in the hall. The young man was sitting upon a chair with his back bent, sobbing into his hands. The full-throated crying echoed off the walls, one of the reasons Erwin had to get out of there. Nifa had comforted Oruo, and Gunther and Eld simply watched their comrade. There was nothing they could do, and they knew it.

As Erwin looked out onto the dark streets, the crowds and decorations long since gone, he went over again what the surgeon had told him.

The good news is the bullet didn't hit her in the center of the stomach. It missed her spine, so she's not paralyzed. It went through the left side and came out clean, which is good. The problem is it perforated her larger intestine. She's etherized now, but I'm not sure there's enough ether in the world to keep her under while it's all cleaned out and stitched up. Even if I manage to repair the intestine, the risk of peritonitis is extreme. She could die of the infection. In addition, she's in need of a blood transfusion, and as you know those can be high risk in and of themselves.

Erwin had immediately directed the surgeon to Hange. Now more than ever Erwin thanked the gods he didn't believe in for the woman. She'd found some old, moldy text on archaic medical practices. One of them had said something about 'blood typing.' Put the wrong type of blood into a person, and it could kill them. Hange had tested everyone in the Corps's blood and made a chart of the results. She'd urged everyone to remember their type. Erwin knew Levi's was A.

Hange confirmed that Petra's was A as well. She'd committed the whole thing to memory.

Levi up until that point had been standing outside of the doors. He'd remained there for over an hour, staring straight ahead with almost murderous intent. Upon finding out he needed to give blood, he went straight into motion and followed Hange to begin the process. It gave Erwin some relief to see the man active. Levi hovering around like a furious ghost had pleased no one.

They'd taken blood from a few other Corps members. That had been a few hours ago. At this point, the bleed was no longer the problem. But cleaning out Petra's stomach without collapsing her lung in the process was—

Erwin shut his eyes. He didn't want to dwell on this.

Once the surgeon had told him that the job might be too much for him, Erwin had insisted upon calling for the king's own personal surgeon. There'd been hemming and hawing—after all, this was one small girl. An insignificant Survey Corps officer. Maybe if she'd been Military Police and important, but… Well, the king might need medical assistance at any time. It would be terrible if his personal surgeon were missing at a crucial moment.

Erwin had calmly listened to all of this. Levi had not. In fact, Levi had picked the surgeon up by the front of his clothes and shaken him.

"Levi." Erwin had finally made his captain stop. Levi had retreated to glower, issuing barked threats that made the surgeon pale considerably.

"This young woman saved hundreds of lives today. Surely the king will want to reward such a hero."

More hemming and hawing. With no time to waste, Erwin had written a letter. Not to the king, but to Lord Siegfried Morgenstern. He'd had it delivered very quickly.

Forty minutes later, the king's surgeon arrived and was shown to the operating room.

That had been three hours ago, if Erwin recalled correctly.

He tried to tell himself that this was promising. The longer it took, the more thorough they were being, which meant Petra was still alive and fighting. Erwin did not want to lose a soldier like this. No, he wanted his men and women to fling themselves into titans' jaws, to die in terrible agony while advancing the human race to glory. That would be a meaningful death, not this. He would have Petra Ral die in a manner befitting her bravery.

And Levi. Erwin could not look at his captain. It hurt too much.

To the untrained eye, Captain Levi appeared as stoic and quiet as ever. His eyes remained hooded, his expression neutral. He stood outside the operating theatre like a quiet shadow, watchful and waiting. No one who was passing would imagine that he was in turmoil. But Erwin knew Levi's moods and the slightest changes in his expression. Levi's jaw was tight, his eyes staring dead ahead. It was the way he looked when he had to tell a man or woman directly that their child had been killed in action. Right now, deep inside of himself, the captain was screaming.

I can't let this happen to him.

Erwin had selfishly wanted this nascent relationship between his captain and officer to end, but not like this. And the way Levi would not move from those doors, not even to eat or drink…

The way Erwin had seen Levi looking at the girl, as though she were something precious…

Erwin had known that once. He had also been in love.

But it was more than that, wasn't it? Levi was a contradiction in some ways. He was stoic, cold on the surface. To the casual eye, the man was emotionless. But Erwin knew that Levi had none of his own love of logic and strategy. Not that the man was stupid—quite the opposite—but theories and abstract ideas held no place in his life. The man was all about people. He fought for the people. He carried his comrades' deaths upon his back when no one had asked him to do so. He was rough and brusque with his subordinates, but they worshipped him because they knew he cared about every one of them.

Levi was all feeling, though he would never show it. What he felt, he felt fully.

And he was in love. He could not live like Erwin, compartmentalizing what he felt for Petra, tucking it away. If she died, he would undoubtedly place her into a long line of ghosts and carry on. Levi would never crumble, never indulge himself in grief. He would likely not speak of the girl again.

But she would linger in his periphery always. Erwin knew that.

And his captain had been through so much already.

The logical thing, the clean thing would be for Erwin to disapprove of this relationship. It would get in the way of their work. He could have told Levi no a week ago, and the captain would have obeyed. But how could he deny a man who'd suffered so much the one thing he wanted?

Maybe she'll die and we won't have to deal with all these possibilities.

Erwin disliked himself. But that unbidden thought shuddered through him, and he felt such hate. Had he really abandoned that much of his own humanity? He did not want Petra to die, for her sake as well as Levi's. She was a good soldier, a good person. She had impressed him, and he had misjudged her in the past. She was a true asset to this military and this world. In his heart, he saluted her with absolute sincerity. But he would sacrifice her. If the strategy required it, in order to move forward with his goal and with humanity's future he would sacrifice that girl or anyone else.

He was tired. That's what this was. He was tired, and angry, and fearful, and even jealous.

The door opened behind him.

"Erwin." Mike came up beside him. The taller man crossed his arms, his breath steamed in the air. "The surgeon's coming out with Hange."

"Ah." He did not want to move, coward that he was. "Any idea what—"

"Not yet. Soon." Mike sniffed. "Nanaba's waiting with Levi. Just in case."

In case someone needed to restrain the man, or worse, comfort him. If Erwin ever saw the captain's façade finally crack, it would be like losing his father all over again. Erwin depended on Levi's strength. He would be lost without it.

"I'll go in. Coming?"

Mike sniffed again. "Too many clashing smells in there. I need to clear my head."

Mike was almost as stoic as Levi, but unlike the shorter man he was one of the most genial leaders they had. Six foot four inches of steely muscle, and also the gentlest fellow. He could lose a comrade to a titan, but not like this.

"Come in when you're ready."

Erwin walked down the echoing hallway. The journey seemed impossibly long. Levi stood there with his hands in his pockets. Nanaba waited patiently beside him, her face as serene as ever. Erwin had known her longer than almost anyone else on the squad. He'd been surprised when the slender, lovely blonde woman kept surviving titan attacks that felled some of the hardest men in the Corps. Nanaba was all steel, like Mike, but she was also kind.

Levi would need that if…

The doors opened. Hange and the king's surgeon emerged. Erwin instantly looked at Hange's face, praying he did not find downcast eyes or tears. Instead, she was almost neutral, though her mouth was pressed in a hard line. He didn't know if that was better or worse.

Levi stepped forward, eyes boring into the surgeon.

"Well?" he rasped.

"She's survived the operation. We managed to repair the damage and clean her as best we could. For now, she's stable and resting."

Levi's shoulders sank by an almost imperceptible degree. Erwin noticed.

"But we're not out of danger yet. Perforations of the stomach or intestines can result in peritonitis. We've given her an antibacterial draught, but that might not be enough. We'll know if we managed to save her by this time tomorrow."

"Hange." Levi sounded strangled. "What's the chance she'll get sick?"

"I haven't read much on gunshot wounds." She perked up a bit at the opportunity to share her knowledge. "Usually if the intestine is damaged, it's an eighty to eighty-five percent chance of infec—"

Nanaba coughed pointedly. Hange stammered, and blushed.

"Will you keep administering the draughts?" Erwin asked the doctor, trying his best to remain calm. He must present an unruffled front. His subordinates needed to see it. Levi needed to see it.

"We can, but if it's a serious infection the chance she'll survive is still minimal." The surgeon sniffed; he seemed a bit exasperated by all of them. Probably he felt it beneath his dignity to operate on some simple girl with no family or name, some madwoman from the Survey Corps. Erwin had known many people like this man during his old life here in Mitras. He was glad to not be one of them any longer. "If she hasn't shown symptoms in twenty-four hours, she'll be out of danger."

"What do we do in the meantime?" Levi asked.

"Wait."

With that, the man walked away without so much as a goodbye. Nanaba shot him a withering look as he departed.

Levi walked to the door. "I want to see her."

But Hange stepped in his way. Brave woman, but then again Hange was one of the few people who could tweak Levi's nose and get away with it.

"Levi, she's too weak. Any outside germs could give her an infection. You need to wait until tomorrow night."

"I want to see her when she's alive," he growled. Erwin winced as he heard the note in his captain's voice, the certainty that he would lose this woman. After all, that had been the entire story of his life. The great Captain Levi, strongest man in the walls, cursed to lose all those close to him. Erwin hoped for his own sake that he managed to buck that particular trend. Levi now shoved Hange aside. "I want to see her."

"Levi," Erwin said. The captain stopped short, and glared over his shoulder. Erwin nearly shuddered. He'd once seen Levi looking at him with pure hatred, the day the man's two friends had died on the battlefield. Levi had screamed that he would kill Erwin. "Levi," Erwin said again. Levi shook his head as if waking from a dream.

"Fine," he muttered.

"At least give her some time to rest." Erwin pinched the bridge of his nose. His vision was beginning to blur. "Right now, I believe we all need some rest. Dawn's a couple of hours away."

Nanaba stretched and yawned in agreement. Even Hange appeared disoriented. At least, more so than usual. The women began walking towards the front door, but Levi remained standing outside the operating room.

"You can't do anything," Erwin said.

"You know me, Erwin. I can't sleep anyway."

Well, that was true. With a sigh, Erwin walked away, casting one last glance at his captain as he went. Levi remained standing there, an inky shadow against the torchlit wall. Erwin shook his head. This was Levi at his most canine, alert and ready for the signal to move. Until then, he'd stand outside the door and wait.

A few hours later, Erwin awoke and sat up in bed. He'd at least remembered to take his boots off, but otherwise he was still fully clothed. He remembered stumbling into the room, and then nothing else. With a grunt, he went to the window and looked out. The streets of Mitras were melting. The cold snap was over, it seemed. Erwin wanted to interpret that as a good omen, but he had learned that good things almost never came. Best to just take them when they arrived, and not look for them.

He changed his clothes, washed up, and went downstairs. Some Survey Corps were milling around in the lobby, particularly the younger ones. Erwin saw Oruo again, this time with Levi's other two squad members in a tight huddle. Erwin observed that the darker one, Gunther, appeared distant. The blond, Eld, had his arms crossed and was jutting out his chin. He was angry.

"Has Captain Levi been in?" Erwin asked. The men straightened up when he approached.

"Sir. We haven't seen him," Oruo said. He sniffed loudly. The crying, it seemed, was only taking an intermission.

Probably Levi was still at the barracks.

"Is Petra all right, Commander?" Gunther asked.

"She's stable for now. The next day is crucial, so I'm told. But she survived the operation."

"Can we see her?" Eld asked.

"Not yet. But perhaps in a few hours you could go and inquire." With that, Erwin left and started walking through the glistening streets. The air was still cool, but after the frigid chill of the last few days it felt positively balmy. His feet carried him in the opposite direction of the barracks. He couldn't face it, not yet. Not without some air first. He didn't want to face Nile very much, either. There'd be mountains of paperwork to be done, endless cross examinations. All Erwin wanted was to get out of this hell, and now he and Levi at least would be here for another week. They'd have to answer to many different people.

But not today. Today was for waiting. Hoping. Fearing.

Why did he feel this distraught over the whole thing? Of course he feared for his subordinate. He wanted Levi to be happy. Yet he'd also found he liked Petra Ral during their brief conversation. The bright, almost exhausting chipperness she'd displayed when entering the Corps a few years ago had softened. Mellowed. She was brave, and she was intelligent. She was steady, which Levi needed. Erwin needed Levi happy. But he also needed as many brave, intelligent people as he could get. Petra Ral's loss would sit heavy on Erwin.

Not yet. We don't know it's a loss yet.

Erwin stopped and looked at the destination he'd wandered to unwittingly. It was a domed building with great colored glass windows that displayed tremendous moments of the Fritz leaders' history. The front doors were heavy oak, likely weighing a ton each.

The Fritz Chapel. One of the oldest and holiest buildings in the walls. If Erwin had been a religious man, he would've prayed here. Inside displayed three white marble statues of the goddesses behind the altar, with a fine, ornate mosaic in the center of the space. Unlike churches, which had pews, chapels were places to stand in a circle, link arms with one another. It was an ideal preaching space.

It was also likely peaceful at the moment, since Erwin didn't hear a sound coming from it. He tried the door and found it unlocked. With a sigh, he walked in.

Red and yellow and blue light shimmered on the stone floor in vibrating squares. Erwin heard his footsteps loud in the quiet. The three goddesses remained frozen in pale perfection. The domed ceiling was studded with jewels.

The wealth of kings had made this. The faith of the peasants had given it power.

Erwin stared at the brilliant mosaic in the center of the floor, a green and white depiction of the goddess Sina. This was, after all, her wall. It was the wall that housed the king. Erwin had sometimes wondered why Sina should be the most special. What had she done that was so exemplary? All he knew was that she protected them, like her sisters did as well.

Eh. Perhaps they'd merely flipped a coin to choose who would be the central wall.

Erwin closed his eyes and listened to the quiet. There was almost the sensation that if he asked here, in this beautiful place, in this silent place, that the goddess he didn't believe in would give him what he wanted. That she might suddenly notice his plight and save his subordinate.

Nonsense, of course, but it would have been nice. If the gods were there, and if they listened, then they were not kind. Erwin had no patience for that.

He turned, and nearly shouted. The dark figure standing beside one of the windows almost gave him a heart attack.

"Levi? Why are you here?"

A chapel was the very last place Erwin would ever think to find this man. Levi hung in the shadowed space between two sunlit windows. He leaned his back against the wall, had his hands buried in his coat pockets. His chin was to his chest, his inky hair shading his eyes. Most men in Levi's situation would stand in the center of the chapel, or be on his knees. Most men would clasp their hands and beg and plead for their lover's life. But Levi did not beg of anyone. He hung around and glared accusingly, as if daring the three goddesses to take Petra from him. He was always silent, and always mute. At least in that he hadn't changed.

"Erwin. Just looking around." The captain's voice was dull and dry. "Petra said we should take in the sights. She thinks I'm not cultured or anything. Tch. Brat. I like plenty of fancy shit."

Erwin did not try to argue with this.

"I thought you'd be back at the barrack hospital."

"They told me I can't see her until later on. Chance of infection. I needed some air." Levi lifted his face. His eyes were always a little bit dead, the bags under them pronounced by a lack of sleep. But Erwin had never before seen such darkness in this man. It wasn't physical exhaustion. It was mental. Levi needed rest, but Erwin would never convince the captain to just go to sleep. So long as any of his subordinates were in danger, Levi could not rest.

"There's a tavern down the street. I'll buy you a cup of tea," Erwin said.

That caused the faintest stirrings in Levi. Good. At least he was still himself, at least somewhat.

"Good. Don't be stingy, you bastard."

They left the chapel and went to the tavern. Ten minutes later, Erwin and Levi were sharing a pot of tea. Erwin looked out onto the wintry streets while Levi picked up his cup in that frankly bizarre manner of his. That was one thing about Levi Erwin had always admired: his willingness to appear strange. The captain was true to himself in all things. Perhaps a life of chaos in the underground had stripped social anxiety away from Levi. For a deeply neurotic man, Levi gave almost no thought whatsoever to what others said of him. A contradiction.

It occurred to Erwin that Petra had seen all of these neuroses, these bad habits, and fallen deeply in love anyway. That was a blow. He'd at first attributed her "love" to a girlish hero worship, but the officer had served under the captain multiple times these last few years. She'd absolutely seen him at his worst, crass and vulgar and harsh. She had loved Levi for Levi. Most women who showed any interest in the captain either walked away when they gauged his true personality or wanted him for bragging rights, a night with Humanity's Strongest. It struck Erwin how truly alone that would make a man feel. Even today, as the eccentric commander of the Survey Corps, Erwin still had dowagers from Mitras sending him letters about a certain daughter or niece, a lady who'd make an ideal wife and raise his social standing once again. Levi had been given the choice of being alone or engaging in loveless sex. And while Erwin didn't think the latter was necessarily bad, he knew Levi. That would hold no appeal for his captain.

Petra Ral had fallen in love with this man. She'd given him his chance for something warm and permanent.

Erwin wished now that he'd fallen to his knees in that damned chapel, prayed and begged the goddesses to restore the girl to life.

And he hated that he had once held the secret hope that Levi would ruin the nascent relationship. That Erwin would have his captain all to himself again.

When the gun was drawn, Levi had thrown Erwin to the ground, not Petra. It had been instinct. Levi would always be at Erwin's side. And Erwin would be at his.

But Levi could have more. Should have more.

Forgive me, Erwin wanted to say.

"How's your tea?" he asked instead.

"Good." Sip. Pause. "Erwin, I'm sorry. I failed."

"Excuse me?"

"I lost the gold. It's trapped in a sewer below. No one can get to it, at least." He met Erwin's gaze. Fearless, honest, blunt as ever. "I fucked the Corps. Again."

"You did no such thing. Levi." Erwin tried to find the right words, but his head was spinning in shock. "You saved an entire city. The Military Police owe you everything."

"They owe Hange everything. I failed that, too." His eyes turned dead, a way to shut off feeling. "I could've killed Sofia earlier, but I wanted to be fucking merciful. Petra was watching." He was silent then, as if meditating on what to say next. "I wanted her to see me be better. And if Hange hadn't cut the fuse, the bitch would've blown us all up. Everyone in the barracks. Petra."

"And it's thanks to you that the cannon float didn't explode. It's thanks to you anyone knew about Leviathan's plan in the first place."

"I had opportunities underground to stop them. Really stop them. But I wanted her to see me be better." Levi set his cup down. "It's not her fault. It's mine. I've been different."

"You were trying to adapt to a new relationship."

"And it made me weak. I'm a shit." Levi drank his tea again, as if that were the end of the conversation.

"You aren't a god, Captain." Erwin was brusque because his frustration kept mounting. "You did everything that was within your power. You trusted in yourself. You trusted in your comrades. And because you did, hundreds of lives have been spared. Mitras is not in chaos."

"And she might die," Levi muttered.

When the gun was drawn, Levi knocked Erwin down. Not Petra. An awful weight settled upon Erwin's shoulders.

"You did your best in the time you had. I was standing in the direct line of fire. Of course you—"

"If she'd been in the line of fire," Levi said quietly, "I would've shoved you back before I got to her. You're humanity's future. When people join the Survey Corps, they know some lives matter more than others. Only an idiot thinks otherwise."

Erwin felt shaken. Cold. His strange, muted joy at Levi's devotion warred with horror. And horror was winning.

"Levi…"

"Sacrifices have to be made. You know it, Erwin. You were smarter than I was."

"I don't—"

"After Marie, you said you'd never get married or have kids. It's a distraction. Love. All that shit. Petra's dying because I loved her. It doesn't work."

"That isn't true." Why was he saying this? It didn't serve his interests. "You haven't done this to her, Levi. You aren't responsible for everything."

Levi shrugged. That careless action was chilling. Erwin had always known Levi was…abnormal. Sometimes, he feared that the damage was more pervasive than even he knew. Erwin loved this strange little man more than anyone else. Not the love of sexual passion, but it was no less powerful. Erwin knew he was monstrous, and that he would gladly sacrifice many innocents in the name of greater glory. Levi shared that drive, and that vision, and that willingness to sacrifice everything in the name of something more than he was. Erwin had felt comfortable in that union.

But Levi's tendency towards sacrifice was…

He looked so calm.

"The thing we need to focus on right now is Petra's survival," Erwin said.

"Yeah."

"She will need you when she recovers."

"Tch. She doesn't need me."

"It's not your fault she was shot."

"I sure as shit didn't help." Levi pushed back from the table. "I did the best I could. Chose the path I thought I'd regret least." Again, that maddening shrug. "Maybe this is what I'll regret least. That doesn't say much for Petra."

"Levi. When I talked about the path of least regrets, I did not mean…" Erwin couldn't quite put the words together. "You did not cause this. You shouldn't be glad Petra is in this condition."

"I'm not glad." Levi looked out the window, his expression placid as ever, his hooded eyes dead. "But I'd regret it more if it were you in there."

He said it with such finality. The captain shook his head lightly.

"I'm a shit. Such a shit. And she's a fucking idiot. Oruo'd have thrown himself in front of her. He'd feel the right way. I saw him sobbing his guts out. She couldn't love him, though. No, she likes them fucked up and ugly. She's fucked, like me. We're both freaks."

"Stop this," Erwin said quietly. For the first time that day, a spark of fury lit the captain's gaze. It took Erwin straight back to the day Furlan and Isabel had been killed. Levi had crossed swords with him, snarled. 'I'm going to kill you,' the smaller man had cried. And Erwin had ordered the broken man to follow him into hell. And Levi had gone along so his friends' deaths could have meaning. "You can't think this."

Erwin had loaded heaps more corpses onto Levi's shoulders in the intervening years. Increased that burden. And Levi had thanked him for it. Levi would gladly sacrifice his own lover for it.

"Erwin, I'll follow any order you give. But don't tell me what to fucking think today." Levi stood and slung on his coat. "Thanks for the tea. I want to get back to the barracks."

Erwin stood as well. At nearly a foot taller, he looked down upon Levi. Good. The power balanced out once again.

"You're a hero, Captain. Whether you want to be or not."

"Yeah. I am. It's a real fucking awful thing to be."

Levi walked out the door, leaving a half-finished cup of tea behind. Erwin sat down slowly and closed his eyes.

He had not tasted regret in years. It was bitter.

Levi found Eld outside the steps to the barracks. The second in command's cheeks were red, and he blew onto his hands to warm them. Perhaps the hair-bunned guy had been waiting for Levi. Hopefully he hadn't been waiting long. From the look Levi got—icier than the winter wind—Eld probably wanted a word. All right.

Levi stopped next to the man. They stood side by side on the step.

"How is she?" Levi asked.

"Still stable, last I checked. I wanted to get some air."

"Good idea."

Silence. Eld did not move, or speak again.

"Eld. We're off duty now. It's been a long couple of days. Everyone's pretty tired." He sniffed. "If you want to say anything to me without consequence, this'd be the time."

A moment passed.

"All right. Captain." Levi could hear the guy winding himself up. "I can't believe you had a physical relationship with your subordinate. With our squad mate. Petra's young and naïve, and you took advantage of it." He sounded heated now. "Even if she recovers, we're never going to be a team again. She couldn't have said no to you, and you fucking used that. I never thought you were just like the rest of them, chasing young skirt, but I guess you are. But even then, I always assumed you'd have enough sense never to use her. We have a perfect track record as a squad partly because we work so well together, and now we're going to have to fight with someone new. It might not be as good. I just don't understand why you did this. You broke us up for nothing."

He said the last words through his teeth, his breath steaming in the air. Levi listened, and took it all on. He could have argued that Petra had chased him, not the other way around. He could have explained that it was love between the two of them, not just lust. He'd broken them up for something real and good.

But Levi should have said no to her. His position had required it. He'd failed. Love didn't change that.

"That's good. Thanks, Eld." Levi walked up the steps, not looking back. He didn't give a shit if Eld watched him go or not.

The barracks were warm, and Levi walked back down the long stretch of hall towards the medical ward. As he walked, Hange appeared and hurried towards him. The tight, neutral look on her face told him everything, but he still had to ask.

"How is she?"

"Levi." Hange sighed. "She's running a high fever. The doctor's giving her antibacterial treatment, but it looks like a bad infection."

He felt suspended in a dark chamber of water. No light. No breath. No sound. Only a strange, inevitable peace. It didn't hurt to drown when it was so quiet.

"Okay. What are the chances?"

"I'm not a physician," she said.

"Bullshit. You're a better doctor than most of these hacks."

She looked mildly proud, but the grimness of the situation returned. "The doctor says that with treatment she stands a fifteen percent chance of recovery."

"Tell me the truth. What do you think?"

He looked her in the eyes. Hange's large brown eyes had always been the opposite of his narrow gray ones. They were as open and warm and excited as she was. Again, his opposite. But what he liked about the four-eyes was that she never, ever lied to him. He did not want her to start now. Hange licked her lips.

"The infection came on very quickly. The fever's very high." She didn't look away. "I'd give her less than ten percent."

Levi blinked.

"How long?"

"It…one way or the other, it should be over by morning."

"I want to see her."

"She's weak—"

"I want to see her."

Hange rubbed her forehead. "Let's go talk to the doctor. You'll have to scrub every inch of yourself, and wear a surgical mask."

Hange forgot whom she was talking to. Levi would love nothing better than to scrub himself clean.

He scrubbed his skin raw with white soap and water. He wore fresh white clothes and tied the mask around his face. He waited outside the door as Nifa and Oruo came out. Oruo's lip was quivering, and when he saw Levi he sniffled and straightened up. He tried to salute.

"C-Captain."

"Captain." Nifa gave him a deferential look, but her venom came through that one word.

"Oruo." He couldn't think of what to say. Not even 'sorry' could pass his lips. "You've done well."

"Th-thank you, sir." Nifa led him away, and Levi closed his eyes as the man began sobbing anew. Finally, it was his turn to go inside.

Petra had been given her own room due to the nature of her condition. It was the little room the pair of them had had yesterday, when they'd kissed and made up and planned a future. She lay in the bed, her hands lying at her sides, her eyes closed. Even in the thin light from the mostly shuttered window, he saw the sweat on her forehead. He could practically feel the heat of her skin as he took a chair beside her.

What could he say? He sat beside the only woman he'd ever loved, now slipping away from him. He should whisper words of love. He should pray over her. He should tearfully tell her just what she meant to him.

"You brat," he croaked. "Don't you dare leave."

Not like this. No, her death was still in the future out there beyond the walls. He had to watch her get torn to pieces by a titan. She owed her death to the Corps. She couldn't slip away peacefully here. For a soldier, that'd be obscene. Her death had to be violent, and painful. Not this quiet shit.

"You can't," he growled.

Petra stirred, her chapped lips moving soundlessly. Could she hear him?

"Listen to me. Tell this thing to fuck off. If you can't beat this, you're not worth shit."

She hummed, and her eyelids stopped fluttering. Fuck, it was almost like his harsh words had soothed her.

He knew he couldn't leave her side. When the nurse came in to give her more medicine and bathe her with cool water, he stayed. When the doctor tried to tell him visiting time was over, he told the doctor what he could do with himself. Eventually, they stopped pestering him. Erwin stopped by a few hours later to check on Petra. Erwin said that Nile had arranged for Levi to have all the time he needed. He could be here until the end.

Well. Nile was a shitty person, but the man did understand love. Levi'd give him that.

He didn't cry. He didn't eat. He barely spoke, except to tell Petra to shape up. He just sat there and watched her breathe as the shadows lengthened. They lit some candles when night fell, and in the murky glow he watched her. A few times he thought it was over, couldn't see her stomach rise and fall any longer, but then she'd give a soft gasp and he'd sink back in relief. Not yet.

Levi was exhausted, but he didn't want to sleep. He slumped forward, resting his arms on his knees. He looked at the dark floor.

"I get it," he said to no one.

Maybe this was a curse. Levi had to believe this amount of suffering had a purpose. There were some in this shitty world who lived in castles or spacious homes, who had families and loving spouses, who had parents and grandparents still living, who'd never even seen a dead body before. Sometimes, when he was younger, he'd hated those people. He'd seen happiness as a finite resource, and they were hogging all of it. Levi'd only ever had crumbs.

There had to be a reason his mother had died, Kenny had left him, he'd lost his friends, he'd seen those he cared about literally ripped to shreds while he couldn't help them. Erwin had spoken about the 'heroic journey' one night, while sipping tea. It was a literary thing, because of course it was. To become a hero, an ordinary man had to undergo extraordinary suffering again and again. He came out of it like a sword forged in fire.

But heroes were men like Erwin. Levi was just a thug. Erwin's suffering had refined him, while Levi's agony had left him coarse. Levi could only hack and slash and fight and kill. If he did it in service of a hero, it was worthwhile.

The problem was he'd thought for one second he could escape his destiny. He'd grasped for something soft and warm. If he wasn't a hero, he could have a normal life. Right? He was a fool.

"Mmm." Petra twitched on the bed. They'd told him not to touch her, but fuck it. She was so hot she nearly burned his hand when he took hers. What could he do now to her that was worse than what he'd already done?

"Please." His voice was soft now. "Please don't."

He still didn't cry. At some point the candles went out, and he fell asleep.

Levi jolted awake. The room was pale with morning light. His back cried out as he tried to straighten up. Fuck. He ran fingers through his greasy hair, and stopped.

For a beautiful second, he'd forgotten where he was. But now it all came crashing back.

Petra laid there, eyes closed. She was utterly pale and still. Her mouth was lightly open.

Levi groaned. His head was too heavy, and he looked back at the floor. He wanted to sink down off the chair and lie beside her. Beneath her. Where he fucking belonged.

"I'm sorry," he muttered.

"Levi."

His head shot up. He stood, wobbled, nearly fell on top of her. He saw it now, the barest rise and fall of her chest. She was drenched in sweat, her ginger hair plastered to her pale forehead. The nightclothes were sticky on her.

Fuck, she was sweating. Shit, the fever had broken.

Oh. Fuck.

"Petra?" He knelt beside her, touched her cheek. She was warm, not hot. Her lashes fluttered. She was alive. That tough little bastard, she'd beaten it. "You're worth a shit after all," he said. Poetic.

"Levi." Her mouth tugged into a smile. She reached up and held his hand tighter against her cheek. She nuzzled his palm like a kitten, kissed him. He stood again, and the instant he let her go she fell back asleep.

He didn't feel his body as he walked out and yelled for the doctor. The doctor and attendants hurried past him as Levi bonelessly sat down on a bench. Time passed, though he couldn't keep track of it. Erwin came. Hange came. Mike and Nanaba, Oruo and Gunther and Eld and Nifa, they all came in and out of the room, sat down with him, stood up with him, shook his hand. Oruo sobbed anew, and the guys and Nifa led him away with mild embarrassment. Hange squeezed him, and he was too shocked to push her off.

A miracle. The doctor said it was nearly a miracle.

"So she'll recover?" Erwin asked. Levi tried to focus on the conversation.

"We'll still be cautious, but I think yes. She'll make a full recovery."

Levi muttered something he couldn't even understand. Erwin led him away by the shoulder. The hallway swam before Levi's eyes. It rocked back and forth under his feet.

"Come with me," Erwin said. He led Levi through the streets and back to the inn. He took Levi up the stairs, opened the door to a room. There was a bed. Levi grumbled as he shrugged out of his coat, as he nearly fell getting out of his boots.

"This's your room," he said, frowning.

"I've had enough rest." Erwin gave him a light shove, and Levi collapsed atop the mattress. "Sleep, Levi. It's an order."

Levi went down into the dreamless dark. He stayed there for hours.

The next week was fast and also agonizingly slow. Nile and the noble council wanted as many reports as they could stomach, and their appetite was limitless. Levi sat on his ass most days, leg jiggling as he wanted to get the fuck out of there. Talk exhausted him. Not like there was much he could do with his stabbed ribs. No exercise, just endless pontificating between jowly older men. At some point, he snapped that they should just write down whatever truth they wanted and he'd sign it if it meant getting out of this shithole. At that point, Erwin took over most of the verbal discussions. Levi was allowed to sign a bunch of forms. Much better.

He couldn't see much of Petra. She was still in recovery, and heavily sedated most of the time. On the fifth day, he got to see her while she was awake. Only for a few minutes, but he took her hand when she offered it.

"They say I'm incredible. I've amazed them all." She laughed. What a good sound.

"Yeah. You are," he said. "Amazing, and shit."

He loved looking at her face as it gained color, her eyes as they grew brighter. She was truly beautiful. She was truly alive.

Levi had time to walk around Mitras. Walking at least was allowed as exercise, and he pushed that allowance to its limit. His lungs expanded again, and his muscles lightly burned. Good. He hadn't had free time like this for years, and would sit in tea shops for hours, mostly nursing a cup and staring at the people on the street.

One time he swore he saw some tall man in a slouchy hat watching him from across the boulevard. Levi's heart thundered, and he raced out of the shop. But by the time he got outside, the figure was gone.

He told himself it'd been his imagination.

Finally, it was the seventh day. Petra was getting up and out. She had to be delicate—doctor said she had to have complete rest for another six weeks, no exercise or strain whatsoever—but she could start her journey home. They had a couch for her. Erwin and Levi, the last remaining Corps members, would ride alongside her back to Trost.

Levi knocked on her door. Petra called to enter. He did.

She was wearing civilian clothes, a long woolen skirt and a shirt. She was buttoning up a yellow sweater when he closed the door. Petra turned, the sunlight catching her hair.

It haloed her. Damn, the sun knew how to make everything dramatic.

"Levi." She beamed.

"Hey, brat."

She came over to him, and flung herself into his arms. Her lips met his, and he savored her. He let himself have this, kissed her in return. He let it last as long as it could. When they finished, she nuzzled his cheek. He felt her lashes flutter against his skin.

"I can't wait to get out of here," she sighed.

"If I never come back to this dive again, I'll be a happy man."

She giggled. "How are your ribs?"

"Fine. Shitty. Your stomach?"

"It still feels like someone punched me hard." She groaned. "The doctor says the stitches will come out on their own. I feel so strange. People had their hands inside of my gut." She shuddered.

"Don't make this too gross. I want to eat again at some point."

Petra kissed his cheek. "Yes, sir." She sighed and hugged him close. "When we get home, I'm going to fall asleep for about five years."

"Seems reasonable."

"Mmm. I guess it won't be in our bed. Yet." She kissed him again. He kissed her once more, touched the silky back of her head, then stopped.

"Petra. I need to tell you something."

Levi didn't have the most expressive voice on the planet, but he could tell she heard something different in his tone. She frowned at him.

"What?"

There was no easy way to say it, and he wasn't about to hem and haw and dance around the topic. Better to shit it out and be done.

"It's over."

She blinked at him. She really didn't seem to understand.

"What is?"

He looked at her calmly, let her figure it out. She paled.

"What?" She clutched the lapel of his jacket tighter, as if that would keep him. "No it's not. I got better."

"I'm glad about that." And he was. He really was. He was not a man known for his gentleness, but he had to be gentle now. She deserved that much. "Look, I don't know how to say this nice."

"Just…just wait until we get home. We're both tired."

"I'm not. Slept like a damn log, actually, for the first time in a while."

"Levi, I know you blame yourself for what happened to me." Her gaze softened. "But you shouldn't."

"I do blame myself because it was my fault, but that's not why." He had a hard time expressing himself, but he kept trying. "You…you're beautiful. You're perfect. I hate this, but I have to."

"If you hate it, then don't. I don't want to stop this," she whispered. She gripped his hand, squeezed tight. He took himself from her grip. Petra backed away from him. He could see the dawning realization in her eyes. He meant it. He wasn't just upset. She began to shiver.

"This is necessary."

"It's not. You don't have to protect me."

"I'm not. I'm protecting myself, and the Survey Corps." The more emotional she became, the more he had to shut down. It was the only way to get through it. "Petra, I was a different man with you."

"No."

"Yes. Yes. And I liked it. A lot."

"So did I."

"But that's why this can't happen. Understand? I have to be who I am, or was, or something. I can't be a good man for you."

"I don't understand this." She started shaking her head, and sat down on the sofa. Her chin quivered. "You can't just make this decision without me!"

"I can. I did. It's done." Make it clean. Cut it off. But apparently that only made her angrier. He should've expected it. Petra shot back up, fire in her eyes. Good. Better if she hated him.

"It's not done! I don't want it to be."

"I do. And when one person is done, it's over. Even I know that."

"But…" The anger faded, and the tears formed in her eyes. Fuck, this was what he'd dreaded most.

"Don't hurt yourself," he said quietly.

"Shut up." She turned around and faced the wall. He heard sniffling. Levi shuffled back and forth. The agony he'd felt at her bedside, the conflict that had warred within him for the entire week while he stared out of tea shop windows and figured out what to do, it was all gone now. Levi was burnt out. He could feel nothing, except a tinge of sorrow for what he was giving away. And relief for what she would have without him.

"It's not that I don't love you," he said. She didn't move. "It's because I do."

"Don't give me any nonsense about how love makes us weak," she muttered. Sounded like she was crying.

"It doesn't. It makes me weak. That's the problem." He stepped forward, wrestling with what to say. "Petra, I should've torn those thugs' heads off the minute we walked out of the Red Hand's headquarters and burned the place down. If I'd done that, this close call shit would never have happened. If I'd slashed Sofia's throat in the underground, no one up here would've died. I couldn't do it because—"

"Because of me? It's my fault?" she growled.

"No. Because I was too scared to risk you. I couldn't do my job because I wanted you to be safe, and that's not how soldiers act. We have each other's backs, but we also die. We accept that. I couldn't. Not with you. That's why this is over."

She turned then, wiped her cheeks. "This wasn't titan territory. It was the underground. We'll probably never be in a situation like that again."

"You can't swear it. Anyway, it'll bleed into our work beyond the walls. I have to make choices that guide humanity forward. I can't be sure I won't try protecting you first. Or most. And I can't do it."

"What if I retired?" she blurted out. Her gaze was fierce. "Or what if I only trained new recruits and never went out beyond the walls? I could work in the hospital."

"Do you want to retire from the field?" Her silence spoke volumes. "I don't want you to, either. You're one of the best we have. I need you out there, with me."

"But not with you," she snapped.

"No. Not like that." Levi made his voice dead. He wanted her to hate him. He wanted this to be easy for her. "It isn't just worrying about you. When I spotted the gunman—"

"I don't care—"

"Listen. When I saw him, I told you to get down. But I was barely thinking about you then. All I cared about was making sure Erwin didn't get hit."

Her lip quivered. "He's the Commander. Of course you had to make sure he survived."

"You don't understand me. If I had to do it again, knowing what happened to you, I would do it the same way. Do you hear me? If someone asked me to choose who would live, you or Erwin, I would choose Erwin. Every time. No matter what. Always." He watched as what he was saying sank in. "We need him more than you, Petra. I wish the world wasn't such shit and that I didn't have to think like that. But I do. You are always second to him. I needed to make a choice—these last two weeks, I knew I had to do it. I made it. It's him. I love you enough that I want you to have a man who'll always choose you. I can't be that man. So it's done."

She stood there looking like someone had punched her. He wanted to hold her, but knew that would make it all worse.

"I…" She swallowed. "I'd rather be the person you loved second most in the world than be anyone else's first. Levi. I don't mind."

Now he felt like he'd been punched. Because it was so tempting.

"Sorry, kid. I need fewer complications." He looked away. Didn't want to draw out the explanation. That should be enough. "I know I put you in a real shit situation here. Look, I don't know what Erwin would say, or how you'd feel, but if you still want to be on my squad then the spot is yours. It's up to you."

She didn't seem angry, or sad. She appeared blank.

"Oh. I…" She sat on the windowsill and looked outside, hands folded in her lap. "Thank you. I think it would be too hard for me."

"Okay. You're a hero, you understand? You can have your pick of assignments. Erwin'll make sure you get a prime spot. Who knows, you could be fast tracked for a squad leader. Youngest one ever. That'd be good."

"Yes." She still sounded like she was sleepwalking. Then, "Is it because I almost died? Is that why you're too afraid?"

"I'm not afraid."

"Fine. Tell yourself that." She looked at him with something like contempt. He felt his muscles contract, instinctive, ready to spring. Ah, she was good. Knew what she was doing. Knew what would push him.

"It's not because you almost died. It's because I understood everything clearly when you got shot. It would've happened sooner or later. Better now, when we're not too wrapped up in each other."

"Oh. Fine. I'm glad you don't feel too wrapped up." She got up, paced back and forth before the window, hands on her hips. He could see the energy in her. She wanted to run, to scream. Good. Let her get it all out. "You know if you're going to do this"—here her voice trembled—"it'd be nice if you thought that maybe I'd be upset…"

The tough façade broke, and she started to cry. Levi felt pulled in, but he couldn't lose control. He went over and put an arm around her. When she flung herself against him, sobbing, he just let her. He stared over her shoulder and out the window. She began frantically kissing his cheek, but he pulled away gently.

"No. I'm sorry. It's just over."

She stared at him, trying to find a way to make him bend. But he'd locked away all those feelings. Lying with her in his arms, sloshing in the bathtub, flying along the underground, planning and working and listening to her laugh. During all of it, he'd felt alive for the first time in…ever, maybe.

But a man like him couldn't feel alive. Alive meant feeling everything. And in his line of work, to feel everything was to lose your mind.

"Please," she whimpered. He shut his eyes. He didn't want her to plead. He wasn't worth it.

"One day you're going to have some guy you really love who's not fucking crazy, and you're going to pass me in the hall and smile and say thank you. It's going to happen."

"It won't."

"This is the worst part, okay?"

For him, the worst part had happened already. It'd been seeing her lying in bed, feverish, a moment from death. He couldn't have borne it. He couldn't let her throw herself away on him. This didn't hurt him, because he couldn't feel anything.

She loosened her grip on him. Realized it was hopeless.

"Okay." She sniffed. "Can I ask for something?"

"Yes."

"Kiss me one more time."

Oh, fuck. He wanted it, too, which meant he had to be careful. He drew her against him, and touched his lips to hers. She moaned softly, opened her mouth. His kiss was gentle, but it was quick. He pulled away first. Petra stared at him in horror, like she was going to ask for it again. But she couldn't. He'd granted her request. She had no more hold on him.

"I…" She pushed him away from her, and stood there looking lost. Then, slowly, her shoulders relaxed. She breathed deeply. "Okay."

"Okay?"

"It hurts, but I understand." She smiled gently. "Thank you. I know we didn't have a long time, but…I liked it."

"I more than liked it." Careful; didn't want to feel. "There isn't anyone else for me. But there will be for you."

She nodded. He turned and left, sighing deeply as he shut the door. He walked down the hallway, and met Erwin coming into the barracks. The taller man frowned.

"Everything all right?"

"Yeah. She's about ready to go." Levi nodded. "See you on horseback."

He walked out into the cold.

Erwin watched the captain walk away. Levi had never appeared smaller than he did at this moment. He might walk as tall as ever, but Erwin could sense in some instinctive way that the man was diminished.

He went to fetch Petra. The place was quiet, the medical bay empty. He could hear her quite plainly.

She was sobbing.

Erwin stopped. He ought to leave. This was…it was the right choice. Levi in love was a terrible idea, for him, for the girl, for everyone. He'd done the decent, hard thing. Erwin should leave Ral to her cry, allow her some privacy. But he crept nearer. The door to the private room was open ajar, and he could not help peering through it.

She was sprawled on the couch, sobbing into her arms. It was the hacking, full-throated sobbing of a child, or a mourner at a funeral. Through her wailing, he caught a few words. 'No, no' and 'please' over and over.

He'd never seen anyone so broken by heartache.

He could never have imagined this level of pain. Even when he'd left Marie. He felt dwarfed by the enormity of this woman's grief.

Erwin stepped away. He went outside. He tried to feel better. He couldn't.

Eventually Petra joined them, climbing into the couch without a word. She carried herself with dignity. No one would ever know what she'd been doing. Erwin glanced at Levi. The man appeared as cold and possessed as ever.

Honestly, he was something of a monster. Perhaps that's why the two of them got along so well. They were both monstrous.

As they rode out, Erwin thought he caught a glimpse of a tall, shadowy figure watching them from an alley. When he turned, though, nothing was there.

The Boar's Field was quiet tonight. Petra and Erwin were asleep upstairs. Levi was having a third pot of tea before the fire. Everyone had gone to bed by now. Even the barkeep had locked up. Levi was alone.

He gazed into the flames, trying to paint over Petra's unhappiness in his memory. But every time he pictured her happy or laughing, the scenes of her misery came over him again. Fuck. He wished he could sleep. But if he did, the dreams would be worse.

He'd done the right thing today. He just wished doing the right thing didn't always hurt him.

Levi heard the bell as the inn's door opened. He rubbed his eyes as someone walked over to him. He felt the cold on his skin that the traveler had brought from outside.

"Think you'll have to ring at the desk. They're all asleep by now," he grumbled.

"Aw, well, I ain't lookin' to rent a room. More in the mood for a bit of conversation," Kenny said.

Levi was on his feet in an instant, a knife in his hand. The fucker. The bastard. He'd come to—

"Tch. How 'bout yah put the knife down, brat?" The older man scowled. "Ain't lookin' for a fight either."

Levi was about to tell him to get the fuck away when he saw what Kenny was carrying. Levi took a good look at it, then slowly sank into his chair. Kenny pulled up a chair himself, sat, and rested the case on his knees.

Not just any case. Erwin's case.

"Is that…?"

"A fuck ton of money? Take a look." Kenny handed the case over. Levi's eyes darted from the case to the man, back and forth several times. Kenny looked bored by the indecision. In fact, he picked up Levi's half-drained cup, tossed the remnants into the flames, and poured some for himself.

Levi undid the latches and gazed inside. Gold glittered in the firelight. It was only missing one piece—the one Levi'd pocketed when Kenny's man had thrown it to show it was real.

"This is a trick."

"No trick. This tea's shit."

"You want something for it."

"What I want, I already got."

"You did not ride halfway down from Mitras to give me thousands of pieces of gold you could've kept for yourself."

"Well, it's kinda what I did do, midget. Stop pretendin' the obvious ain't real."

"Why?" Levi glared at Kenny. The older man looked quite relaxed.

"I told yah. I got what I needed from yah."

"Killing Sofia? Stopping Leviathan?"

"What, that? Tch. Nah. That was just a bonus."

Levi felt his temper fraying. "Then what did I do for you, Kenny? Why did you drag me into the underworld? Why did you steal the gold and then give it back? Why?"

"Wasn't about the gold. It was all about you."

"What about me?"

"Oi, if yer gonna start bawlin' like this, I'll take my leave." Kenny stood. Levi closed the case and stood as well, knife out. Kenny all but rolled his eyes. "Ain't you had enough fun fer a while?"

"I don't understand what's happening." Levi felt about ready to start screaming. "Just tell me what I did for you."

"You'll probably find out someday."

"Fuck someday, tell me now."

"Well, I'm not stayin' to be yelled at by a fuckin' kid. Oops." Kenny grinned. "Forgot yer a man now. What with bein' so damn tiny."

"Kenny!"

Levi unspooled his body, slashing in pure frustration. He staggered forward. No one was on the end of his blade.

"Oi." Kenny was over by the door, popping his collar against the wind. "Almost forgot. Little somethin' extra."

The old man took something out of his pocket and flung it into the air. Levi stood and snatched it, looked down. In his hand lay a topaz on a broken chain.

"Kenny. You—"

When Levi looked back up, the man was gone. The bell hadn't even rung to signal Kenny's departure.