Chapter 28.
After a long shower, Dean went to his room and locked the door. He checked his phone, but neither Sam nor Cas had sent any messages or calls his way. He began to write a text.
"Cas, u ok?" He deleted it. The answer would be "Yes." and it would be a lie. He tried again. "Not long now. Soon be over. Sorry for everything." He almost sent it, then stopped himself. It sounded like a suicide note. He wondered why it was so difficult to just talk to Cas, face to face, over the phone, in prayer or in texts, he always ended up overthinking it or underthinking it and either way, it went wrong.
He decided to try to use the link one last time. He concentrated on Cas and on how sorry he was. He felt the brush of mind against mind but then, instantly, Cas's mind seemed to flinch and flee the connection. He instantly stopped the attempt.
He had to be careful. They were one short step from shutting it down and it would be disastrous if the communication that ended their friendship happened hours before they were able to do that.
Trying had been stupid and selfish. Why had he imagined for a moment that he could make his thoughts comfortable for Cas? Clearly all contact with his mind was painful and distressing. He should have known it would be. He should never have allowed himself to deepen Cas's pain.
He took a notebook from a drawer and began to write a note. He could leave it in Cas's room, to explain, apologise and mend the bridge he had just hit with a bouncing bomb.
"Hi,
Hope the last hours of the mind curse aren't too hard on you. I'm trying to find a way to say sorry and I'm not doing well. I know you know I didn't want this and you've been very forgiving, but I also know what kind of ... "
He stopped writing. There was no way to say sorry for the stuff Cas had been forced to endure, including the thoughtless invasion of his mind a moment ago. He dropped the notebook back into the drawer and gave up. He flopped onto the bed and glared at the ceiling, hating himself for being so stupid. "You worthless, brainless, spineless, useless ... "
Somewhere in the back of his mind, he heard a voice shout, "Stop!"
"You should have stayed in Hell!" he told himself.
"Stop!" said the voice again.
His phone made a quiet chirp.
"It's over." said the voice, Cas's voice, "It's over now."
He read the text from Sam, "Talismans acquired. Everyone meet back home."
"It's over." said Dean to himself. He got up and went to the garage, determined to be there to meet the others.
He was pacing up and down for some time before Cas arrived. He waited impatiently as Cas carefully parked the car and then they greeted each other uncomfortably, each unable to look into the eyes of the other.
"Hello, Dean." said Cas.
"Are you okay?" said Dean.
"Yes." said Cas.
"Look, if you felt anything earlier ... "
"It's all over now." said Cas.
"I hope so, honestly I do. I'm sorry, anyway." said Dean, "I was trying to tell you I'm sorry."
"There's nothing to be sorry for." said Cas.
"If I managed my mind better ... I know what a mess it is in here. I had no right to inflict that on you."
"Dean, the truth is, I am to blame for all of this." said Cas, suddenly meeting his gaze.
"Don't say that. Don't think it. It's all over. It doesn't matter what caused it."
"So you think I did too."
"Maybe I did. Maybe we did. Maybe this just happens if humans and angels get too close."
"You think we're too close?"
"No, I just mean, maybe this is where human/angel friendships lead."
"To the point where they are afraid to think?"
"It would explain why those friendships are so rare."
"Few humans or angels can stand them?" said Cas, "Or maybe none?"
"Cas, we can, okay?"
"Especially if the Keys of Rhydian work."
"That would make it easier."
They turned as the garage doors opened and the Impala appeared. Sam parked a lot more quickly than Cas had. Before Jack and Sam got out, Cas said, "I'm sorry too, for all of it."
"Cas, nothing to be sorry for, nothing!" said Dean.
Jack came over to them, Sam close behind and Jack placed one talisman in Dean's hand and the other in Castiel's. "There they are."
"They don't look much." said Dean, "Cas? What do you think?"
Cas was turning his, thoughtfully. "There's power in them, quite a lot of power."
"Good or bad?"
"These things are always relative." said Cas, "It's not demonic. It could almost be celestial."
"Could almost be, but isn't?" said Dean.
"Strong enough and with a taste of the angelic, but none of the signatures of Heaven and believe me, my brethren like to sign everything. No ego in this one. It feels more benevolent, like a blessing. Like love, maybe. Whoever enchanted these did so from the purest of motives."
"I never heard of a witch or sorcerer who had any pure motives." said Dean.
"It's a new one on me, too." said Cas, "It explains why I've never heard the name. No ego, no long, dull treatises on his thoughts and ambitions. This Rhydian was out to protect something sacred or someone he held sacred."
"You get all that, just by holding it?" said Jack.
Cas handed it back to him. "Let your mind dwell on it for a moment. Breathe in the energy of the piece. There is a light around it. Let yourself see it and read it."
"And you see only goodness in it?" said Jack.
"Only love, selfless and strong." said Cas.
Jack gave it to Cas again. "Your vision is clearer than mine."
"It takes time to develop such vision." said Cas, "Work on it a little and you will see far more than I do."
Dean put his on, saying, "Well, I've heard enough."
"How do you feel?" said Cas.
"Like I just stopped bench pressing an elephant." said Dean, "That feels good! My mind is clear again! My mind is mine again! Sam, they work. Put it on, Cas."
Cas put his talisman around his neck. He closed his eyes. When he opened them again, he was smiling. "They work!"
"I knew they would!" said Jack.
"So did I." said Dean, "I knew you and Sammy could crack it."
"It works." said Cas, sounding a little stunned.
"I'm never taking this thing off." said Dean.
"Well, when we find a more permanent solution ... " said Sam.
"Which we have to find very soon, obviously." said Cas, "But for now, let's just enjoy this peace. I might go and read for a while." He walked away.
"Are you really sure you don't want some time to use the link you have?" said Sam, "It really could clear up a lot of misunderstandings."
"Sam, before you got here, he could barely look me in the eye."
"Well, think about it. You may need to take a step back and ... "
"A step back from what? The fact that my best friend now knows exactly what goes on in my sick and twisted head?"
"Dean, I've known all of that for years. I mean, I even know the thing about ... Well, I know all the sick and twisted crap and it hasn't changed my opinion of you."
"No, well, your opinion of me was always pretty low."
"Like, rock bottom." said Sam, smiling.
"I should talk to him."
"Yeah, we got these talismans to save your friendship, not to end it. Don't let them become a barrier. They were always intended to be a key."
Dean found Cas just getting settled in the library. "We made it." he said. He offered his hand and Cas shook it. "Does it feel different to you? These things are powerful!" he said.
Cas nodded. "Clearly."
"Of course, the big test will be tonight, when I'm not in conscious control, when we see whether my dreams still transmit. If they do, tell me immediately, wake me immediately. I don't want you to suffer any of my dark stuff tonight."
"The talismans will work." said Cas, "I can feel it."
"Good. Okay. Cas, today was weird and wrong and I'm sorry. I know you say you don't need an apology, but I also know you didn't run to Sarah because you needed honey."
Cas patted his shoulder. "Sarah helped me to understand. She often does."
"I hate the fact you can talk to her and not to me." said Dean.
"She just sees where I'm stumbling." said Cas.
"Sarah Kranz, Angel Whisperer." said Dean.
"Pretty good with Winchesters too, I think." said Cas.
"Angels and angel friends." said Dean.
"You don't renounce your angel friendship, then?" said Cas, "Knowing about the weird free gift that comes with it?"
"The mind of a Winchester is not easily changed." said Dean, "The heart, never."