Chapter 23
"No Teddy…I'm not coming back here…not to this place. I'm going to try to get my life back now. To find the woman I was before I met you and be her again. If you do ever get out of here though, you can pay me a visit…just don't expect anything from me. After all, I'm not your wife anymore…I'm just some woman you used to know" the words kept returning to him as if to remind him of what he'd lost, but also giving him a reason to work their escape plan especially after the first one failed. After their escape had ended so unexpectedly, Teddy had felt the cold chills of temptation. He knew what her words had meant. That she believed him when he said he loved her, but that they would never be together the way they were. He knew it meant she would move on in life, maybe fall in love with another, and it ate at him inside even as he told himself that that was what she deserved. He was tempted to give up and simply spend the time he was sentenced in Fox River. Some baser instinct within him wouldn't let him give up that easily though. Something inside said that their story wasn't over yet, but even as it did, Teddy almost gave up all the same. Her words kept visiting him in his dreams though as if to remind him of what he was fighting for and it served to keep his heart moving towards their plan despite whatever doubts there might be. Because though she had walked away with the promise of something, she had also left the promise of nothing at all. He knew she was going on the pursuit for that woman who he had destroyed, and he hoped she found it. What worried him was that she would find someone else to love too. Teddy felt a faltering hope almost daily, but he kept going still hinging himself on the thought of seeing her again. On the thought that he could get her back even if another came to snag her heart. He believed what they had was stronger than that as he worked with the others towards what could be an impossible escape.
"I charmed her once, I can do it again" Teddy believed that as he thought about as their second escape plan formed.
After all he reasoned, he had made her fall for him once, and then he had done the same. He hadn't even been really trying, he had thought himself immune to it, but then she had taught him otherwise. First though, he had to get out of this prison, and that hinged solely on Michael Scofield. He had come to believe in the fish. That he could really get him back to his Lizzy if they only worked together towards this escape. That it was the only way he'd ever see her again which is why he through himself into the second plan more so then he did the first. Teddy had a determination within him, but he didn't let any of the others see it as their plan progressed. They were digging a hole in the guard's rec room now, much more dangerous then the next, but Teddy found he had a lot to look forward to.
"Seeing her again is worth it" Teddy thought as he worked with the others, always maintaining his cruel exterior, but thinking of Lizzy as he did. As usual he thought of Lizzy, sometimes he was tempted to call her again or write her another letter, but then he thought of her. Of the woman she'd been when he first met her and the woman, he'd made her.
"She's trying to rebuild herself after I destroyed her, she deserves that, I won't keep her from that" he remembered that in those days as he thought of her, hoping she got the chance she wanted to be herself again even as he worked to get back to her.
"I have to take better care of her this time around" Teddy promised himself as he thought of her each day, remember her as she had looked each time he'd seen her, and it was then he realized that she was all that mattered, more then he himself mattered. That was why he didn't write those letters or place those calls. It was why he had opened Abruzzi's neck with his razor. Not just because he loved her, but because it was time, he started protecting her. It was time he took care of her and stopped causing her so much pain. Teddy promised that in the next chapter of their lives he would do that. He only hoped he could do it. Because he would let her find that woman, move on from whatever chaos he'd created, and looking back at it all, Teddy found he wished her well. She had suffered at his hands long enough. Teddy promised he would make up for the suffering she had done already, but even he was unsure that was possible. After all, he had done so much to her, he was unsure sometimes whether he could make up for any of it. Whether anything would ever be good enough to make up for it all. Teddy knew though that he had to try as he worked to return to her each day.
He wanted for her the same thing he had wanted when he married her. He hadn't planned on it, but he'd fallen deeply in love with her. He had wanted to love her that way and he knew he always would. Teddy had wanted to live in whatever peace was possible for them. Being on the run, he'd always worried about what kind of life that would mean for them, it had made him leave her, but he promised them both that he wouldn't do that again. He thought maybe they could find another type of peace. A peace that came from merely being together, he honestly wasn't sure, but he wanted to try. He had to try or else all the work he was doing for his escape was meaningless. Most of all, he told himself that he would make her happy this time. That she wouldn't cry over him anymore. Since the moment they met Teddy had seen how hard his Lizzy worked. She had people who worked for her, but that didn't mean she sat around letting them earn their money. Instead, she was always working to help them, and doing everything on her own. She had enjoyed having it this way and Teddy found he couldn't fault her that. He found he came to enjoy watching her as she took pride in that work. Sometimes, it had been so frustrating, but he had come to respect her for that.
That respect, just like their love, would never die. It was one of the things that kept him from reaching out to her. Because her words the last time he saw her had asked him not to. She needed this time to find the person she had been and him contacting her would jeopardize that. Because he knew that this was the only way for her to be happy even if he couldn't be with her to see it. He knew she had to find herself again and he was going to let her. Each day, when he worked to further his escape he thought of her still, and his decision left him with a single question. When he did leave Fox River what did that mean for him? Where would he go? All this time he had planned to go to her, to proclaim himself to her, but everything had changed now.
"I can't just go back to disrupt her life again. The cops will look for me there with her and she doesn't deserve that. I'll have to lay low and wait to see her" Teddy decided even though it pained him to have to wait even longer to see her. Teddy knew though that what he wanted didn't matter. That he needed to give her what she needed and that wasn't him right now. He would wait to go to her and then maybe when he did come back into her life, she would be waiting. She would welcome him, at least, he hoped so.
"Maybe she'll want me to come, maybe even be hoping I do" Teddy thought as he decided it all. Teddy didn't know what he was going to do though. He had hinged his escape on going to her, but if he waited as he planned to do what would he do in the meantime? He couldn't just lay low or hide away in some distant place. That was how a man got caught. He had to hide in plain sight, but how? Teddy didn't have the answer, but like Elizabeth, his answer came to him as he was staring up at the ceiling of his cell one night. Teddy didn't sleep right away most nights. Maybe because he had too much on his mind or because he felt the lightning of anxiety that soured through his veins at the mere idea of an escape. That night was no different as he stared at his ceiling thinking a combination of mix matched thoughts.
"Maybe in the meantime, you could get some revenge" for Teddy the thought came out of nowhere as he was lying there, another woman's name stopping him short as it appeared in his mind. Susan Hollander was a name that had haunted him since he'd begun his stay in Fox River. He thought of her as his great mistake, but also as the bitch who'd got him where he was. He thought fleetingly of the day she'd visited him, of the way she spit on him as if he was an animal, and he felt an anger that had been long dormant. Suddenly, Lizzy was there too. Both women standing separate in his mind, and the words from Lizzy's letter long ago came to him again. That she would never have turned him in. That she had remained faithful to him even as he had not. Susan Hollander hadn't been the type of woman his Lizzy was though, she had betrayed him, and landed him in this prison. The longer he thought of it the angrier Teddy found himself until he wanted nothing more then to wrap both hands around the woman's throat. Because that bitch had betrayed his trust, something he never should have given her, and it had landed him here. In this prison, in this cell, and away from his Lizzy.
Teddy kept telling himself that if she hadn't of done that that they would have found their way back to each other. That though he left her that he would have gone back if he'd been given the chance. He regretted leave Lizzy more then anything. He knew it had got him where he was more then anything and he knew he couldn't blame anyone else for that. If Susan Hollander hadn't turned him in though, he might be with Lizzy now, and he could very much blame her for that.
"I could be with her right now if that bitch had kept her mouth shut" Teddy felt every sinister cell in him ignite with the realization. Suddenly, Teddy found himself forming a secondary plan for his would be escape, and it all centered on Susan Hollander. Because before he had sworn to never see her again.
That changed as he planned revenge that sparked the most sinister thoughts he'd felt since entering Fox River. He wanted Susan to suffer. To feel the pain he'd caused Lizzy, yet, more so. He wanted to break her and make her realize that she had crossed paths with someone worse than even she imagined. Then Teddy promised, he could return to his Lizzy, but first, he would have his revenge. Revenge for not just himself, but Lizzy too. Teddy would take his time and kill her. He would make sure she felt it and knew why it was happening. He would enjoy it and take his time. Nothing would stop him. Then Teddy would go back to his Lizzy to prove to her that the man she'd fell in love with was still there. He would go with the vengeance slaked within his heart, replaced with only the love he felt for the only woman he'd ever loved this way. He would go to her again and show her the man he truly was.
"I'll slice her open tip to tail" Teddy thought it with a sick glee that he rebelled in. He would go to Susan Hollander with murder in his heart and leave once she had been dead days. He would make sure he looked into her eyes when she died. After that only then could he go back to the woman he loved to love with no ounce of evil remaining within him. Susan Hollander had to die first, and she would, he would see to it. Maybe by then Lizzy would be waiting to accept him back. Maybe then he could prove his love to her once more.
By then he knew she'd find what she was looking for and he could sweep her off her feet. He could show her his love, but first, he would pay Susan Hollander a visit.