Chapter 29
Altan almost drowned the first time he saw a lake. The water was cool and dark, gurgling out from a crack in the cave wall and pooling into a cavernous underground lake: marvellous and strange for a boy who lived in the desert. He slipped. As he sank slowly into black water, struggling to breathe and panicking as the darkness filled his lungs, Altan remembers feeling completely awake, awake but dying.
Altan feels that same waking death now. Everything feels wrong, everything is upturned. The burn in his thighs as he runs can't begin to dull the ripping realization that threatens to tear him apart. Mud splashes his borrowed Earth Kingdom robes as he runs. The green stains brown with filth, but Altan doesn't care. He was so wrong. He was so stupid, so blind, blinded by Nekana's curving lips and soft skin and slender hands. Altan's stomach turns again. Oh spirits, how much blood is on those hands?
He can't look back. Gasping for breath in short, panicked inhalations, he stops in the middle of the road. His boots stick in icy mud. Straight ahead is the town, where Earth Kingdom loyalists are waiting for him to order the march on Mayor Sota's mansion. But to the right sits Temurin's house, perched on the top of a small hill. Smoke billows innocently from the side kitchen.
Does Temurin know? Altan's hands shake. He tucks his hair behind his ears, trying to think, trying to remain calm. Temurin and Nekana—Azula—were together before he joined them. They've always had a bond he doesn't understand, one that's made his blood boil. Is everyone he knows a traitor?
Without consciously making the choice to climb the hill, Altan finds himself at Temurin's door, banging on the wood with a muddy fist.
"Let me in, Temurin!" he yells. The door slides open, revealing the short, slender doctor, his face pale. For the first time, Altan realizes how small Temurin really is.
"Where is she?" Temurin demands. He peers behind Altan, looking for Azula, then seems to realize the flush in Altan's cheeks. He focuses on Altan's shaking hands.
"Altan, what have you done with her?" Temurin asks slowly.
A fire sweeps through Altan's chest, burning away his guilt and replacing it with something much stronger.
"What have I done?" he trembles. "I haven't done enough!"
With his left hand, Altan grabs Temurin by the front of his red collared tunic, dragging him into the center of the main room. "Do you know what she is?"
"Put down your sword, Altan," Temurin says calmly.
My sword? To his surprise, Altan finds his blade in his right hand, its tip pointed at Temurin's throat. No wonder Temurin's treating him with more respect. The feeling is oddly satisfying. Stepping back, he releases Temurin and lowers his blade so it points at Temurin's chest.
"Tell me, do you know what Nekana is?"
"A firebender?" Temurin clutches his side and leans against the wall weakly. Of course. Nekana injured him before she ran away. A fight among co-conspirators?
"A monster," Altan spits. He presses his blade lightly against Temurin's sternum.
"Altan, I don't know what you're talking about," Temurin says, talking as if to a slow child. "But put down your sword, and we can work it out—"
"Don't lie to me!" Altan seethes. He's heard nothing but lies for months. "Did the Firelord send you too?"
"What?" Temurin tries to take a step forward, but Altan flicks his sword to Temurin's neck and the doctor freezes.
"You're telling me you know nothing," Altan snarls. "You don't know that Nekana was sent by the Firelord. You don't know who she is."
"No, I don't!" Temurin says. "Altan, I swear by the spirits, I have no idea what is going on." His green eyes are earnest and a little afraid. For the first time, Altan feels guilty. But he has to be sure. He steels himself.
"Nekana is Princess Azula," Altan says baldly. Temurin's face twists.
"What?"
"The woman you let into your home brought down the walls of Ba Sing Se. She's razed cities, she's killed children. She's-she's—"
"Saved our lives," Temurin says weakly. Ignoring Altan's sword, Temurin sinks to the floor, head in his hands.
Altan's lip curls in pity. Finally, someone else is the weak one. But if Temurin isn't Azula's accomplice, he is no longer relevant.
Altan has work to do.
Leaving the older man on the floor, Altan sheathes his sword and heads out the door and around the back. He's wasted enough time already.
"What are you doing?" Temurin staggers behind him, one hand to his ribs.
Without looking back, Altan untethers the rooster-horse from its stake and loops the rope around its neck. Grabbing its mane, a mix of hair and feathers, Altan swings himself onto the rooster-horse's back and looks down at the doctor.
"Stay home, Temurin," Altan says. "Today, the Earth Kingdom will liberate this town. And then we'll take care of Azula." He digs his heels into the rooster-horse, kicking it forward.
"Wait!" Temurin yells as Altan passes him. He grabs the lead rope, dragging down the rooster-horse's head and meeting Altan's eyes.
"Take me with you."
Azula lets her head fall back against the pine tree, the bark pricking against the back of her skull. Altan is gone, off to kill some Fire Nation people. And then maybe come back for her.
"Aren't you going to go after him?" Ursa folds her robes neatly and sits next to Azula. Usually, Azula would tell her mother to go away, but Azula can't bear to be alone. Even if her companion is a figment of her broken mind.
"Why would I follow him, Mother?" Azula says. "He hates me. He wants to kill me." The forest is silent except for the drip of snow melting off pine needles. If she stays here long enough, will the forest absorb her? Will she just become part of this tree, or the soil? Or perhaps her maddened spirit will haunt these woods forever, and Temurin will bring Haojun here to listen to Azula howling in the treetops.
"You could follow him to protect him," Ursa says. "Or to protect Temurin. Or Haojun."
Azula laughs. "Mother, you don't know me at all."
"You protected Zuko."
"The last time I tried to be Azula and help people, the Avatar himself showed up and told me to get out." Azula laughs again, with even less humor. "Don't you think that's a sign that I should just disappear?"
"Then don't be Azula," Ursa says. "Be Nekana."
The golden haze of yapian is fading. As it does, the crush of Altan's rejection presses down even more heavily. She said she would never try to be Princess Azula again.
"Don't go to Qima to take control," Ursa pleads. "Don't even go to be a hero. Go to save the people you love."
Azula is silent. In a clash between Earth Kingdom rebels and Mayor Sota's Fire Nation troops, the town is in danger. She thinks of Temurin. If Haojun dies, and Azula could have stopped it…she won't be able to look him in the eye. He doesn't deserve that much pain.
"Altan still wants me dead," Azula says with difficulty. "How can I save someone who wants to hurt me? How can I even face him?"
"Don't let your fear of rejection prevent you from doing what you know is right." Ursa stands.
"I'm not afraid," Azula says. She stands shakily, bracing herself against the tree.
"I was afraid," Ursa says. "And because I feared Ozai, I abandoned you." Her eyes fill with tears. "Don't let fear rule your life like I let fear rule mine."
Azula looks at her mother, and for the first time in years, doesn't see a monster. She sees a woman doing the best she can. Even as a hallucination.
"I am afraid," Azula whispers. "Altan's probably told everyone by now. Everyone will look at me and know what I've done."
"What you've done is in the past." Ursa touches Azula's cheek with gentle, ghostlike fingers. "Zuko forgave you. It's time you forgive yourself."
Azula shakes her head. Forgiveness? It's a word that still makes no sense to her. Only a mile away are Temurin and Altan, who rightfully hate her.
But who need her all the same.
When Azula looks up, Ursa is already gone, melting into the silent pines.
Azula runs. Across the mossy bridge, down the path to Temurin's house, up the hill to his door…it's as if the spirits have given her a fleetness of foot that exceeds her normal abilities. Or perhaps it's a bad sign that she feels nothing.
She bursts through Temurin's door, calling his name. Books and pottery scatter the floor, the aftermath of her most recent attack. Azula winces at the gaping hole in the rice-paper wall. Her fault. But the house is empty, and the rooster-horse is gone.
A bell clangs frantically in Qima, echoing up the hill and drifting through the window. Azula hurries back to the front door to see smoke rising from the village. Altan and Temurin must be down there.
It doesn't matter who they are fighting for. It doesn't matter if they hate her. All that matters is that she keeps them alive.
Azula runs down the hill toward the village, ready to enter the fray.