Based on events after Episode 6 of GoT Season 8

(Also includes flashback from Episode 4 of GoT Season 8)

Grief was a strange thing. It came and went in waves as the weeks passed, and in her daydreams Brienne still often dwelled on what might have been, if only to soften the ache when she returned to reality. Some days, Brienne would feel almost completely fine, and would think of Jaime in a positive light, remembering the good times they'd had together. It had been true love, it had been good. But that love had been lost and it was well and truly over; she was only just beginning to truly accept that. And so there were other days where Brienne would sink into the depths of despair, which would only make her more angry with herself for succumbing to such emotions after all this time. In another life, perhaps she would have been able to make him stay with her. Alas, she had failed, and months had already passed since the night he'd left her in that courtyard.

At least she had been able to grant herself a little bit of closure by finishing Jaime's entry in the Book of Brothers, and was now left with the comfort of her role as Lady Commander, protecting Lady Stark's child and sitting on his small council, with her faithful companion Pod serving alongside her. Even her friendship with Tyrion had grown somewhat, though Brienne sometimes found it painful to look at him when he paid her a visit outside of their small council meetings, as it made her think back to drunken, jolly nights full of laughter in Winterfell's great hall.

One afternoon when Tyrion came knocking on her study door, he found Brienne concentrating on a letter she was writing at a desk. He was aware that she corresponded regularly with Lady Sansa so that they could keep each other updated on one another's wellbeing and the state of the separate kingdoms in which they lived, but Tyrion was anxious for her to finish quickly; he was excited to tell her of the discussion he had recently had with King Bran.

'Ser Brienne, I have good news,' Tyrion said brightly, when Brienne looked up from her desk, and she raised her eyebrows.

'Good news?' What a strange concept.

'King Bran has agreed that the new Kingsguard will be allowed to take wives – or, in your case, a husband – and have children,' Tyrion announced, positively bouncing on his feet. 'You will not be deprived of your rights, Ser Brienne. You will be free to marry and start a family, to carry on the Tarth legacy.'

Brienne's lips parted, and all she found she could manage to say was, 'Oh.'

Her hand began to shake slightly as she put down her quill, the letter to Sansa still unfinished. She hadn't once thought about that side of things when she'd accepted the appointment as Lady Commander; those restrictions of being a member of the Kingsguard had had no reason to bother her anymore. But now those rules had been changed…and she didn't know what to think.

'I won't do it…not until we get things settled…'…'Have you ever wanted children, Brienne?'…'I saw Tarth once, on my way to Dorne…I was thinking it's probably worth another visit…Perhaps, when all this is over, we could go together.'…'You told me once that you never wanted a husband…Do you still stand by that now?' …'I want to ask you properly…but planning to spend the rest of our lives together can only start once the war is over…'

It was still Jaime. It would always be Jaime.

Brienne blinked rapidly, but thankfully no tears came. It took her a few moments to remember that Tyrion was stood in front of her desk, watching her. His face had fallen.

'I thought you would be pleased,' he said quietly, disappointed.

Brienne sighed. 'I should be. I am, for the Kingsguard,' she replied earnestly. 'It's a progressive change, a most welcome one, and I thank King Bran for it. And you, as I suspect you influenced this turn of events.'

Tyrion tilted his head smugly as he took a seat opposite her.

'I just…I never thought I would marry or have children. Until…until Jaime…brought it up once,' Brienne said, exhaling deeply; she hadn't been prepared to speak of this for quite some time yet. 'I could only ever picture doing that with him. I can still only picture him.'

'And he'll still be in that picture, for a very long time,' Tyrion said softly, a sympathetic look on his face. 'But…in a few years, perhaps there will be someone new to fill that gap in the picture.'

Brienne scoffed. 'Someone new?' she said sceptically. 'Jaime was the only man who saw me for who I was. The only man who saw me as a woman.'

'I know for a fact that isn't true,' Tyrion said gently.

Brienne's eyes flashed dangerously. 'If you're talking about Tormund-'

'I'm talking about everyone!' Tyrion said exasperatedly, and he sounded almost annoyed with her. 'Everyone who knows you, everyone who adores you. Because that's quite a number of people, my lady, a lot more than you allow.'

There was a short pause. Brienne was rather stunned by his words.

'I appreciate that. I do,' she said sincerely, but Tyrion looked doubtful.

'As long as you believe me.'

There was another silence as the two of them looked thoughtfully down at the parchment on Brienne's desk. Tyrion wondered what Brienne was writing to Sansa. Was she telling her what it was like here? Was she writing that King's Landing was a hopeless cause, that it was pointless trying to rebuild the city to its former glory? Was she writing that she was desperately unhappy here, that she longed to return to Winterfell? Did she mention how Pod pined after the Lady of Winterfell and thought longingly of her day and night, hoping that they would one day meet again? Or was Brienne only writing good things? It was hard to tell. She was a woman of mystery, always eager to keep her guard up and her emotions in check, just as Jaime had once told Tyrion. He wondered if that mystery and intrigue was what had first attracted Jaime to her.

'May I ask something?' Brienne then said, breaking Tyrion out of his reverie.

'Of course. Anything.'

'What did you decide to do with Jaime's ashes, in the end?'

Tyrion looked rather awkward. 'I didn't. They're…in my chambers, at the minute. In an urn, don't worry. Quite macabre, now I think of it,' he said, frowning. 'I'd like them to be scattered somewhere that meant something to him.'

'If only there was such a place,' Brienne murmured.

Tyrion gave her a brief, sad smile, then hopped off his seat. 'I'll leave you now. Forgive me for interrupting.'

Brienne opened her mouth to say something, perhaps to apologise for her ungrateful reaction earlier, but Tyrion had already left the room and closed the door behind him before she could think of the words. Sighing bitterly, Brienne slumped against her seat, abandoning the letter for now as her head ached with the effort of trying to cast aside the words she still dreamed about at night.

'I want this to be proper. So will you wait?'

'You know I will. I'd wait however many days, months, years you'd ask me to.'

No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't get Jaime out of her head. Every time she closed her eyes, there he was. And she was tired of it. She was tired of the constant misery and emptiness. She was tired of every day just passing by. She was tired of not being able to live her life.

'Whatever I am, whatever is left of me…I'm yours, Brienne. Heart, body and soul. I'm yours.'

Brienne's bottom lip trembled as she pictured his face before her, cupping her cheeks with his gloved hands as they stood by the frozen pond in the Godswood. The details of his face weren't as clear in her mind as they had been a month ago. How many lines had he had around his eyes? Where had the grey flecks in his beard ended? Where exactly had the crinkles appeared whenever he'd smiled so tenderly at her? Would these little details keep growing less and less vivid in her memory as time went on? Or would Brienne have to fight for them and force herself to think of them every day to keep them alive and so very real? The guilt and dread Brienne felt at this fearful notion often consumed her so much that she would sometimes forget that she was still in mourning for Jaime, that her heart ached in misery and sorrow. She wondered if that was a good thing, or just something else to feel conflicted about. Brienne had never known grief like this before. She wondered if it would ever end, or if she would just grow used to it. She suspected the latter.

Meanwhile, a few floors below in the castle, Tyrion was manoeuvring his way around all the builders to locate his former squire. He found him surprisingly easily, stood in the doorway to the great hall and looking around in awe as he watched the builders do their handiwork.

'Ser Podrick,' Tyrion greeted him, and Pod straightened up at once in his shiny gold armour. 'You mentioned to me a few weeks ago that my brother had given you a letter for Ser Brienne.'

'Y-yes he did, milord,' Pod replied, though he looked rather uncomfortable. 'He said only to give it to her once she'd recovered, but…I'm not sure if she's quite there yet.'

Tyrion sighed, deep in thought. 'Perhaps not. But I think now's a good time as any. It might help her recover,' he said.

Pod nodded in understanding. 'It's in my chambers. I'll give it to her later, after supper.'

'Good man,' Tyrion said, reaching up to pat Pod's arm and wincing; he kept forgetting how tough that armour was. 'Thank you, Pod.'

The sky was cloudless and peaceful that evening, so Pod knew where to find Brienne; she liked to spend her time on the balcony of the Lord Commander's – or rather, Lady Commander's – apartments to look up at the stars and listen to the sea before retiring to bed. Sure enough, he came to a halt in the open doorway to find Brienne sat out there on the balcony in her tunic and breeches – an unusual sight nowadays, for she had gone back to her old routine of wearing only her armour in front of everyone – with her head inclined towards the full moon that shone brightly down upon the city. She looked peaceful sat there. Pod hesitated slightly, his fingers twitching against the sealed scroll clutched tightly in his hand, but then forced himself to take a step forward.

He cleared his throat. 'Err…milady?' he said tentatively, knocking on the open door.

Brienne rose to her feet, surprised, and tilted her head at him as she beckoned him over. 'Pod. Please just call me Brienne,' she said exasperatedly as Pod joined her on the balcony. 'After everything you and I have been through, I…no more 'milady's or 'Ser's, do you understand? Not when we're alone, at least.'

'Understood, mi- Brienne,' Pod said hastily, giving her a sheepish smile.

'What is it?' Brienne asked.

Pod grimaced. 'I…I'm not quite sure where to begin. It's about…Ser Jaime,' he said awkwardly.

Brienne's lips twitched momentarily but other than that her face betrayed no hint of pain at the unexpected sound of his name. 'What about him?'

'On his last day in Winterfell, he gave me a letter for…for if he were ever to die in the war,' Pod replied, and Brienne frowned, confused.

'A letter?'

'Yes, for you,' Pod said, and Brienne's lips parted in shock, her chin quivering. 'He asked me to wait a few months before I gave it to you, so you'd be less…angry? I think he was worried you'd hate him.'

Inexplicably, Brienne let out a bizarre sceptical noise that sounded almost like a laugh. 'He wrote me a bloody letter and you've been keeping hold of it all this time?' she demanded.

To Pod's relief, she didn't look too irritated. 'He didn't want me to give it to you until you were ready,' he explained apologetically.

'Oh, Pod,' Brienne said, sighing heavily. 'I'm not sure if I'll ever be ready. But I'd like to see it.'

Pod nodded and reached for the sealed scroll in his pocket; he pulled it out and handed it over to her. Brienne's heart thundered as she reached out and it took her a moment to realise that she couldn't take it.

He wrote these words when he knew he was going to leave me. These are the last words he wanted me to remember him by. This is his goodbye.

Brienne let out a shuddering breath. 'I…I'm not sure if I can…'

But she trailed off as Pod gently made the decision for her and placed the scroll in her hand; he placed her other hand over the letter, keeping it there, and gave her a reassuring smile.

Brienne swallowed. 'Thank you,' she whispered, clutching the letter tightly.

Pod let go, his brow creased. 'I'm…I'm sorry.'

'Whatever for?' Brienne asked, frowning.

'I should have stopped him that day,' Pod said, his expression torn, and it was clear from his tone that he had been bursting to say this for quite some time. 'I should have come to you and warned you, I should have-'

'You made a promise to him. And you kept it,' Brienne interrupted firmly, and there was a warmth in her gaze as she looked at him. 'That was the right thing to do, even if it had been wrong of him to ask it of you. I'm grateful for how good you were to him, Pod. And to me. And with that in mind…there's something I'd like to give you in return.'

Pod frowned as he followed her away from the balcony and into her main bedchambers. It was only when Brienne pulled down Widow's Wail from its stand that he understood.

'I can't accept this, milady,' he said in shock, backing away as if in fear, 'you've already done enough for me-'

'Ser Podrick,' Brienne cut over him sternly, and he froze. 'We both know I have no need for a second Valyrian steel sword. I already have one, Oathkeeper, and it has served me very well these years. And I suspect Ser Jaime knew when he left this sword behind that I would feel that way. And he also knew I understood his desire for these swords to be kept not too far apart from one another. These weapons were never just about the steel or the strength or the gold…they held sentimental value, for both of us. Which is why I would like to give this to you. I know Ser Jaime would approve.'

A lump rose in Pod's throat; her words had almost brought him to tears. 'Jaime,' he said in a small voice.

'I'm sorry?'

Pod smiled sadly. 'Y-you don't have to call him 'Ser' in front of me, milady.'

Brienne's face fell slightly. She'd almost forgotten up until that moment just how close Pod and Jaime had become during that month in Winterfell. He had been grieving for Jaime as well. Of course he had.

'You're right,' she said, and her voice broke slightly. 'I'm sorry.'

'There's nothing to apologise for,' he reassured her, and when she held out Widow's Wail nearer to him, this time he took it. 'Thank you, Brienne.'

'Use it well,' Brienne said, and she felt herself smile as Pod admired his new sword with a giddy expression on his face. 'I have no doubt you will.'

Pod beamed at her, but then his face fell in concern as he glanced at the scroll in her hands. 'Would you like me to stay, or would you rather be alone?' he asked.

'Alone, I think,' Brienne replied, 'but thank you, Pod.'

Pod nodded and began to back away towards the door with Widow's Wail. 'I'll say goodnight then. I hope you're all right.'

'I will be,' Brienne reassured him gratefully. 'Goodnight.'

The moment he'd closed the door behind him, Brienne clasped her hand to her chest, stunned by how a simple piece of parchment could make her heart race so incredibly fast. She placed the scroll down on the table where a candle was already lit and sat down as she undid the seal with trembling fingers. She hesitated slightly before unravelling the scroll and spreading out the parchment before her, letting out a small intake of breath as she recognised Jaime's clumsy handwriting instantly. She caressed the parchment slowly with her hand, just as Jaime had done that day before sealing it up, and took a deep breath as she glanced at the top of the letter.

My dearest, Brienne…

Brienne looked away, unable to cope. How could she put herself through this, after all this time? Would it re-open the wound that only just slowly begun to heal? She didn't want to go back to the place where it was cold, empty, and numb. She had let the darkness consume her for too long already.

But perhaps this letter will show me the light. He wanted me to read it. He wrote this for me.

Exhaling deeply, Brienne then looked back at the parchment. Beginning to read, she blinked away tears as she cast her mind back to that painful night when Jaime had left and her world had fallen apart, and her mind flooded with the memory of their parting words of farewell…

'She's hateful. And so am I.'

The horse rode off fast and hard, the tears freezing on Jaime's cheeks as he gripped the reins tightly with his one good hand and rushed through the open gates, running away from the echo of Brienne's sobs of anguish. He didn't look back. He couldn't look back.

'Stay here. Stay with me.'

His chest began to tighten as he rode away, his vision getting blurrier. He tried to breathe normally as he sped on, but it felt like his throat was constricting.

'Please.'

Were Brienne's howls of despair still audible, or was the terrible sound just ringing in his ears? Jaime wasn't sure. All he knew was that he couldn't go on.

A heavy feeling in the pit of his stomach, Jaime slowed the horse down to a steady trot as he gazed up at the starry night sky, his face torn in agony, his eyes burning with tears. He couldn't leave her like that. He'd wanted to make this easier for her so that she would be able to move on, so that if he died it wouldn't matter, but this was the complete opposite of easy. He'd abandoned her in the dark and cold, crying in the snow in her bedrobe thinking that he didn't love her or even care. How could he do that to her? How?

He came to a halt and exhaled shakily, wiping away his tears. 'Oh, fuck,' he whispered, his voice strangled as he closed his eyes against the frosty night air.

Before he knew it, Jaime had turned the horse around and was riding back towards the castle he had grown to love. When he reached the gates, he was relieved to see that Brienne was still outside in the courtyard, though she had turned away and was slowly walking back towards the door. The moment she heard his horse approach, Brienne spun around, hardly daring to believe it, and her tear-streaked face was a mixture of shock and fury as Jaime's horse came to a stop.

She watched, her lips trembling and her breathing heavy, as Jaime clambered off the horse and stopped for a moment to stare at her; he looked like he had broken down into tears too. Something that sounded like both a sigh and sob escaped his mouth as Jaime then began to approach her. Brienne so dearly wanted to close the distance between them and yet a part of her wanted to shut down and keep her arms folded, her head bent low, her stance unwelcoming. She stayed still as Jaime reached her and she gazed at him wordlessly with tear-filled eyes, her chin quivering.

Jaime looked like he wanted to crumple to the ground as he gazed back at her in turmoil. 'Brienne, I…' he murmured, though he couldn't quite bring himself to meet her eyes as he reached for her hand and took it. 'I'm so sorry, Brienne…I'm so, so sorry.'

Brienne looked like she wanted to both kiss him and slap him. 'You weren't even going to say goodbye,' she said in a small, shaking voice quite unlike her own. 'You were just going to leave me like that.'

Jaime's lips parted as he struggled to find the words. He had never felt more ashamed of himself. He had succumbed to his Lannister legacy and tried escaping in the middle of the night like a coward. He hadn't been able to face dealing with the confrontation…he hadn't wanted to emotionally prepare himself for her protests or her distress, so he had left their bedchambers, as difficult as it had been to do that, and tried to ignore the fact that he was doing the worst thing that anyone had ever done to Brienne. And she had every right for wanting to knock him to the ground and beat him senseless for it.

'I…I thought it would be less painful…' Jaime replied, and Brienne frowned at him incredulously.

'For who?'

'Both of us,' he admitted, his head bowed low as he stroked her fingers with his own.

There was a silence as Brienne stared at him, not quite sure if she recognised him anymore. She slowly released her hand from his gentle grip, and Jaime felt his splintered heart sink.

'You've not changed your mind,' Brienne murmured; she could see it in his eyes.

'No, I haven't.' He hated to say it, but there was no point in lying or giving her false hope.

Brienne took a slight step back from him as a shaky breath escaped her mouth. She had been blinded by the first flush of romantic love. She had been seeing only what she'd wanted to see. All this time Jaime had been using her to heal his own wounds, to distract him from his self-pity and self-loathing, to fill that void brought about by Cersei's absence. She could scarcely believe it to be true, but how else could she explain his inexplicable behaviour right now? It made no sense to her, none at all. It felt like the world was spinning and crashing in around her, and no one was there to catch her fall.

'Then why have you come back? If you're still just going to take off?' she asked in a strained voice

'I have to explain,' Jaime said, almost pleadingly.

'I don't want you to explain, I want you to bloody well stay!' Brienne snapped, her voice full of anguish.

Jaime closed his eyes briefly, trying to stop the tears. 'Brienne, please don't make this any harder than it already is. I…I'm so sorry. I thought I could do this…this life with you…but I can't,' he said helplessly. 'You're too good, and you deserve…so much more. I'm not the man you think I am.'

'And you're not the man you think you are!' Brienne said earnestly, and she grabbed both his arms and shook him. 'Do you want forgiveness for your sins, is that it? Because I'll give it to you!'

But Jaime was shaking his head. 'No. No one can give that to me.'

'You are so much more than the bad deeds of your past, Jaime. You talk of all the things you did for Cersei, but what about the things you did for me?' Brienne demanded.

There was a stunned silence as Jaime met her eyes in shock.

A single tear trickled down Brienne's cheek as she gazed at him fiercely. 'You stopped me from being raped. You lost your sword hand by defending my honour. You jumped into a bear pit with no weapon to save me. You gave up a Valyrian sword and had armour designed for me so I could fulfil my oath, and to protect me and an innocent girl, your enemy, from the capital. You spared everyone at Riverrun, because I asked you to. And you came to Winterfell, to fight for the living. And for me.'

Jaime's lips trembled into an odd sort of sad smile as he briefly brought his hand up to touch Brienne's cheek. He wasn't worthy of her love, even if she did see the good in him, because he knew better; he wasn't worth saving, and he despised all he had done in the name of a toxic love that he no longer wanted. Brienne reached up to keep his hand against her skin as he gently stroked her cheek, wanting to cherish the feel of his touch. She wished she could keep it there. She wished he would never let go.

'It's no use, Brienne,' Jaime murmured, his voice barely more than a whisper as he slowly removed their hands. 'I'm sorry. I have to do this.'

'You're making no sense!' Brienne said loudly, her tone suddenly irate. 'It's like you've been possessed!'

'Perhaps I have,' Jaime mumbled. 'It's an accurate way to describe this…hold she has over me.'

'Then don't let it win! Fight it!' Brienne snapped, furious with him.

'I have fought it!' Jaime replied earnestly. 'I've tried, the gods know I have tried all this time to fight it. But I can't anymore.'

Brienne shook her head desperately at him, open-mouthed. How could he change his mind so abruptly? How could he go from declaring his desire to marry her one day and then deciding instead to run back to his sister a few days later? How could it be so easy for him to snap like that?

'You told me once I saved you from giving up on life,' Brienne said softly, trying not to sound too fearful. 'Let me save you again now.'

'You can't,' Jaime whispered, his voice breaking. 'No one can.'

Brienne stared at him incredulously and then groaned, overcome with frustration. Why couldn't he choose her? Why couldn't he choose the light and the good and happiness? Why must the darkness always consume him in the end?

'I don't understand you,' she said, shaking her head at him in dismay. 'You knew Daenerys was planning to sack the city. For weeks, you knew. What changed?'

Jaime gaped helplessly at her as he tried to justify his denial that had plagued him for the past few weeks. He'd been in his own blissful bubble of harmony and happiness with Brienne…until it had broken yesterday when that raven came and he'd heard the news.

'It never quite…registered with me that Cersei would lose. And most likely be killed,' he said in a small, ashamed voice.

Brienne's face tore up in pain. 'I thought you'd left her,' she murmured.

'I did. But she hasn't left me.'

Jaime closed his eyes as he watched his words resonate with Brienne, and in that moment he wished he'd never turned back around to see her for one last time. This past month, he had been living in a dream…free of Cersei, in love and happy with Brienne…but in truth he had never been free of Cersei, not really. He was addicted to her, despite her emotional abuse of him, and he had been struggling for so long to break it…and now he was met with the crushing disappointment of realising that he never could. Their unconditional bond to each other, as well as the ghosts and sins of his past, would never allow him to.

'All this time…' Brienne whispered, 'these past few weeks when you were with me…were you really with her?'

Jaime's stomach dropped. Heartbroken by her statement, he took a few steps nearer to her but Brienne only backed away, her shaking hands held out to stop him coming any closer.

'No. Gods, no,' Jaime said firmly, his tone and expression full of desperation. 'Don't you see? I don't think of her that way anymore. I don't deny that I loved her once, in the way that I feel for you, but she never was what you are to me and I love her only as a sister now, as I always should have done. But she's not just my family, she's my duty. And I can't just stand by and do nothing. And it's not just about making sure she's safe – she's losing, and when she's vulnerable and in that sort of position…well, I know what happened the last time she was in a similar situation! What if she has more Wildfire planted around the city? She blew up the Sept just to avoid her own trial, and I wasn't there to stop her. But I could stop whatever she might have planned-'

'You're an idiot if you really think you'll be able to make her see reason,' Brienne cut over him coldly. 'She's dangerous! She's not the same person she used to be!'

'I know that,' Jaime said helplessly. 'But I'm the only one who has a chance at getting through to her.'

Brienne shook her head at him in despair, wishing she could just wake up from this nightmare. He had completely given up on himself. And on her.

'Did you always intend to go back to her?' she asked, her voice shaking slightly.

'No, of course not!' Jaime said earnestly, dismayed that she could really think that of him. 'I was done with all that, you know I meant it when I said I wanted to stay-'

'And when you talked of going to see Tarth,' Brienne interrupted, 'when you…spoke of children, and said you wanted to marry me, just a few days ago. Did you mean that?'

Jaime exhaled deeply. 'Yes, I did,' he replied, his tone firm, his gaze sincere.

But this only seemed to confuse Brienne more, judging from her turmoiled expression. 'Well…forgive me if it's rude of me to doubt your word on that, but after you just decided to take off in the middle of the night without a word like a bloody coward-'

'Brienne, please-' Jaime began in a strangled voice, tears welling up once more in his eyes, but Brienne cut over him.

'What exactly was your plan when you decided to stay here with me, after the battle?' she demanded. 'Did you even think any of it through? Or were you just too preoccupied focussing on getting your cock satisfied?'

Jaime's mouth fell open, both outraged and distressed. 'How can you say that when you know how I feel-?'

'I don't know anything about how you feel now, Jamie, don't you see? It's all a lie!' Brienne shouted, pushing him away as he tried to reach out and take her in his arms, and she stumbled backwards on the icy ground. 'What did you think was going to happen, really? That Daenerys and her forces would spare Cersei's life and Cersei would give us her blessing to be together?'

Ashamed, Jaime looked down at the ground. 'I-I didn't think-'

'Well you should have thought!' Brienne snapped, and she exhaled shakily. 'I don't understand you.'

'I wish I could explain it, I…it's hard for-'

'Oh, it's hard for you, is it? Hard?' Brienne said incredulously. 'How very terrible for you.'

There was a pause as they both tried to regain normal breathing, tears in their eyes. Jaime was surprised their raised voices hadn't woken up the residents in the castle. It wouldn't be long now until someone hurried out to Brienne's rescue and take her away from this monstrous man who had broken her heart.

'You mean everything to me,' Jaime said quietly, forcing his eyes to meet her stony glare.

'No,' Brienne said, her voice shuddering with rage. 'If you truly had a shred of any respect or affection left for me, you would never have left in the middle of the night on some ridiculous suicide mission without even saying goodbye. The Jaime I know would never do that, the Jaime I lo-'

But she broke off. She couldn't say it. Not now. It was too late.

Jaime moved his lips wordlessly for a few moments, unsure of what he could say to try and fix this. But there was nothing. Only the truth.

He sighed heavily. 'I didn't say goodbye because I knew if I woke you, if I told you what I was doing…you would try to stop me. Like you are doing now. And it would only make things worse…like it is now. I thought if I left like that, it would…make it easier for you to…hate me enough to…not be as hurt, and well…to move on,' he explained in a small voice. 'It was a coward's way out, I know. And it's too late for me to stick to that now.'

'Well I'm sorry for ruining your excellent plan,' Brienne said dryly.

'Y-you didn't.'

Suddenly Jaime realised then that he was glad that she had woken up and seen him in the courtyard, as painful as this was. It had given him a chance to try and fix it. It had given him a chance to say goodbye after all. He stepped towards her and took her hands in his own gloved ones; this time, she did not pull away, but kept her head bent low.

'It's real, Brienne. This, you and me, everything I said to you in the Godswood. It's always been real,' Jaime said earnestly, and he brought up one of his hands to cup her cheek and bring her face up to look at him. 'You have to believe that.'

'Do I?' Brienne said coldly, and she slowly released his hold of her and took a step back. 'Because to me it seems like I was just a distraction for you this whole time since you've been at Winterfell. You've put off going back to Cersei by using me-!'

'No, that's not true-' Jaime said desperately in a strangled voice.

'Isn't it?' Brienne demanded, her voice and expression like thunder.

There was a frightened silence as the two lovers stared at each other. Brienne's furious scowl made Jaime's face falter as her expression took his mind vividly back to their first day together on that tiny skiff in the Riverlands. The plan had always been to make her hate him, to make it easier for her if he were to perish at the capital…but the plan had never been for him to witness that change in her.

'Just go,' Brienne said in a shaking voice. 'If you're going to go then just do it. Do it!'

Jaime shook his head. 'I won't. I can't leave you like this.'

'You certainly found it easy enough to leave me sleeping in our chambers. So off you go,' Brienne snapped. 'Goodbye, Ser Jaime.'

A lump rose in Jaime's throat as he remembered when she had first said those words to him in that cell at Harrenhal…how it had made him feel to hear her call him by his name…how painful it had been for him to leave her there…

'Do you truly mean for us to part as enemies?' Jaime asked in a small voice.

Brienne stared at him incredulously. How dare he put this on her? How dare he try to make her feel bad?

'Jaime, you know that if I had any say in this we wouldn't be parting at all. But you and your devotion to your poisonous sister apparently know better, so I wish you all the best on your journey,' Brienne spat.

And with that, she turned on her heel and stormed away back into the castle, slamming the door shut behind her.

Jaime stood there for a few moments in the courtyard, simply staring at the icy clouds that formed every time he let out a shaky breath. A tear escaped his eye and trickled down his cheek as he turned back to his horse, waiting impatiently for him. He couldn't stay here, no matter how much he wanted to. Cersei's rise to power had been his fault. She was his responsibility. He had to stop her, but he also had to save her. For the sake of family honour. For the sake of his sworn oath to protect her. For the sake of his unborn child.

He turned back to the door Brienne had closed behind her. How could he desert her like this? And how could she not let him have a moment to explain and say goodbye? Swallowing, Jaime walked towards the door and entered the castle. The walls seemed to be closing in on him as he made his way up the steps and along the cold, narrow, dreary corridor.

Brienne didn't look around at first as she heard the door to their bedchambers open. She knew who it was. She kept her back firmly to the door as she stared at the frosted-over window, her arms folded tightly as if trying to protect her from the cold outside. Jaime slowly closed the door behind him and gazed pitifully at the way she stood with her back to him, her shoulders and head hung low, her stance that of someone truly defeated. She had no armour left. He'd stripped it all from her, and laid her bare, her heart open and vulnerable. Brienne had trusted him enough to let him in and give him the power to break her, and now he had done just that.

'She's carrying my child.'

The words came out of Jaime's mouth before he'd even had time to consider them, but he knew the moment he spoke them that it was the right thing to do. He didn't want to make this any worse or any more painful for Brienne, but it was the only way he could make her understand. And he needed her to understand.

Brienne could feel nothing but shock at the statement as she slowly turned around to face him, her eyes red and sunken as she gazed into his tear-filled eyes as he stood warily over at the opposite end of their room.

'Wh-what?' she whispered, stunned. 'Cersei's pregnant?'

'Yes, I…' Jaime trailed off as he saw the pain in Brienne's face, the way her bottom lip trembled, and he looked down in shame.

'You…so even after what you said to me at Riverrun, you and Cersei, you still…' Brienne murmured, but Jaime cut over her with an infuriated groan.

'Yes, she grew lustful and so did I! I never thought I was going to see you again after Riverrun!' he snapped. 'And you made it clear that day that you didn't want to even talk about the possibility of being with me so what was I to do, become a man of the Night's Watch and abstain?'

Outraged, Brienne reached blindly for the nearest thing she could get her hands on; her fingers clasped around the empty pitcher, the one he had brought in here their very first night together, and threw it at him. It hit Jaime squarely on the face. He couldn't blame her.

'You fucking idiot!' she said, her voice low with rage as she tried to keep her breathing steady. 'I wanted to be with you more than anything, Jaime, I just knew we couldn't! I didn't believe you that day, for starters. And I didn't think it ever would have worked. I thought Cersei would have got in our way. Turns out I was right all along.'

There was a silence as the two of them stared at each other furiously. Jaime wanted to just sink through the floor. These bedchambers held such precious memories for them both, but now…

Why do I always ruin everything? Why am I so hateful?

'Brienne, I…I'm so sorry. I never told you about the baby because I thought it would make you hate me, and I couldn't bear that,' he said in a shaking voice, 'but now I…I need you to know everything, the whole truth. And I need you to hate me, Brienne, because otherwise I-I can't leave you like this, I can't do it…'

And then to Brienne's astonishment Jaime broke down into tears. Her chin quivered as she watched him crumble before her, his knees threatening to give way, and she sank down heavily onto the bed as she stared up at him with watery, bloodshot eyes. She realised then that this man was just as broken by his actions as she was…and full of conflict about his terrible predicament.

'I…I didn't realise how much I wanted to be a father until the day Myrcella died. I just never got the chance.'

Brienne looked down sadly as she remembered Jaime's words to her from a few weeks ago. He has his chance now.

'I don't hate you,' Brienne murmured heavily. 'It's…I can understand now, why you feel…you have to do this. You've known what it is to be a father.'

Jaime looked at her, wiping away his tears, and he scoffed bitterly. 'I was no father. I wanted to be, by the gods I wanted to be – and I do, I still do, with you if we lived in a fairer world – but…I failed all my children,' he said, and she could hear the self-loathing in his voice. 'Joffrey was raised to be a monster, all thanks to his mother. He was vicious and cruel, and got murdered for it. And I don't even blame Olenna Tyrell for doing it.'

He walked over and sat down on the bed beside her, his head hung low in shame.

'But Myrcella was good and innocent and sweet, and she was excited to be married to the boy she loved,' Jaime went on miserably. 'All I wanted to do was protect her, but…if I hadn't gone to Dorne to take her back to King's Landing, she might not have even been killed. But she was. In the most brutal, undeserving way possible. And all I could do was watch as she died in my arms.'

A tear fell from Brienne's cheek as she watched him. Ever so slowly, she reached a hand out to stroke his back soothingly. Amongst all his pain and misery in this moment, Jaime felt a surge of relief and warmth flood through him at the feel of her comforting touch.

'And then Tommen…the kindest boy I've ever known and I wasn't there for him because I was away on some ghastly mission for my sister, not realising she planned to blow up the entire Sept…which drove our son to suicide,' Jaime said, his voice breaking.

'Jaime, it wasn't your fault,' Brienne said earnestly, her voice quiet and gentle. 'You must know that.'

'I don't know that, no. All I know is that I can't let Cersei destroy the life of our last child,' he murmured, and he looked up at Brienne helplessly, shaking his head in despair. 'I can't do it.'

Brienne nodded, her eyes swimming with tears. 'I know,' she whispered.

Overcome with emotion, Jaime then leant his head into her shoulder. Brienne took him in her arms and hugged him tightly; Jaime hugged her back with a sense of desperation, wishing he could never let go.

'You've made me so happy, you know,' Brienne murmured as they broke apart from each other, but then she grimaced. 'I don't mean now-'

'No, I…I know you didn't mean now.'

'Right now I just want to lock you in here so you can't ever leave,' Brienne muttered, and they exchanged a weak smile.

'You've made me so happy as well,' Jaime murmured, and he removed the glove from his good hand so he could hold hers tightly and cherish the feel of her soft skin and her fingers intertwined with his. 'More than I ever thought I could be, more than I thought was possible. I mean that, Brienne, truly.'

'But you're giving it all up,' Brienne said in a small voice.

'I have to. I…I swore a solemn vow to her,' Jaime confessed heavily. 'The day I brought back Myrcella's body from Dorne. It was the only way to comfort her. I pledged to always protect her.'

'You swore an oath?' Brienne said, frowning. 'You never told me about that.'

'That's because I was ashamed to admit I'd broken it when I left her to come here to Winterfell,' Jaime explained.

'If you swore a vow to her, then why didn't you go back to her straight after we'd won the battle?' Brienne asked.

'Because I was selfish and I wanted to stay here with you and…I thought I would be able to break it. I tried to forget about it, I tried to put it and her and the baby behind me. I thought I could…carry on and just forget, and be here with you and not let some stupid oath haunt me…' Jaime said bitterly, but to his surprise he saw that Brienne was smiling warmly at him.

'But that's not you, Jaime. It never was,' she said, almost fondly. 'If you'd told me this before, then I would have told you as much.'

She understood now. He would never be able to live with himself if he broke a solemn vow, to his sister especially.

'I never meant to hurt you,' Jaime murmured.

'I know that.'

'I really thought I could…that we…-'

'I know, I know,' Brienne reassured him, pressing her lips together as they both tried to fight back more tears. 'You don't have to say it. It's all right.'

They grasped each other's hand tightly and rested their foreheads against one another's as they stayed sat there together on the edge of the bed in silence for a while. Jaime never wanted to leave. Brienne had been thrown into his life during his darkest days, and she'd lit him up. She'd made him feel that he was enough somehow. But it had been too good to last.

After a short while, Brienne leaned away and stroked Jaime's cheek with her other hand. 'Jaime…you say you were no father. Well, you're wrong,' she said tearfully. 'I didn't know your children, but…I could see for myself that Joffrey was Cersei's child and not yours. But you say Myrcella and Tommen were good and sweet, and that's because they got that from you. They were good people, kind people, because of you. And it was a cruel trick of fate that their lives were cut so short.'

'It wasn't fate. It was war,' Jaime said sadly. 'And I won't let this war win this time.'

'No. You wouldn't be being you if you did,' Brienne said, and she loved him all the more for it. 'I'm coming with you.'

It took Jaime a few moments to register what she'd just said as she rose to her feet with a new air of determination about her. But then his eyes widened in alarm and he leapt to his feet too, horrified.

'No. Absolutely not,' Jaime said firmly, and Brienne glared warningly at him.

'This isn't a debate-'

'Brienne, you have an oath to uphold to Lady Sansa, and besides I am not dragging you down with me-'

'I won't let you go there alone-'

'And I won't let you die!' Jaime interrupted sharply, his voice shaking, and a silence fell between them as they stared at each other in anguish. 'You're going to die when you're old, surrounded by your family in Tarth-'

'Well I thought you were going to be my family,' Brienne said, her voice breaking.

Jaime gazed at her in dismay. 'I am. I…I was. And if I could choose, that would be my way to go as well, on the Sapphire Isle with you surrounded by our children and grandchildren,' he said, smiling at the thought as he wrapped his hands around hers. 'But…I need to do this. You know I couldn't live with myself if I didn't at least try to save my sister and baby, for the sake of my oath if not for my family. And I need to know you're safe here while I do that. I need to know you're alive. Please. I couldn't bear it if…' Jaime trailed off, unable to think it, let alone say it aloud.

'Well I couldn't bear it if I let you leave just to end up being killed!' Brienne said, her chin quivering again. 'I can't do what you're asking of me, Jaime. To let you go and let everyone here think you're a traitor-'

'Yes you can,' Jaime said fiercely, cupping her face in his hands. 'It doesn't matter what they think, all that matters is you, you understand? And you're the strongest person I know.'

'But you'll die.'

'I might not,' Jaime said, broken by the pain in her voice and expression. 'But we both know I wouldn't be undeserving of it if I did.'

Brienne let the tears come as she shook her head desperately at him. 'You're wrong.'

But Brienne was fighting a losing war. Cersei – or rather, his addiction to her – had driven him to perform horrific deeds, ones he would be forever haunted by. He was just as bad as his sister, if not worse. No one could convince him that he was decent, not even the woman he loved.

Jaime gazed at her through tear-filled eyes as Brienne wept, her hands clinging onto his as if her life depended on it.

'I l-' Brienne paused and took a deep breath through her sobs before finally saying the words she had longed to say since the day he had sent her away from King's Landing. 'I love you.'

Jaime's lips parted as he felt his heart both swell and break simultaneously. He hadn't expected that. He realised then that no one had ever spoken those three words to him before in his entire life. No one. It shook him deeply, and he could feel his tears threatening to spill over again.

'You shouldn't,' Jaime whispered, as Brienne exhaled shakily. 'But…I love you too.'

'No, don't do that, Jaime, please,' Brienne murmured, blinking away more tears. 'I don't want you to say anything out of pity for me.'

'It's not, it's the truth,' Jaime said earnestly, and he caressed her cheek with his hand as he gazed into her eyes. 'I should have said it before. I should have said it our first night together after the feast, I should have said it during the battle, I should have said it at Riverrun, I should have said it when I gave you the sword and you named it Oathkeeper, I should have said it when we left that wretched bear pit in Harrenhal. I love you, Brienne. With every fibre in my being.'

Brienne found herself smiling as more tears came, unsure of whether his declaration made her more happy or sad.

'I'm so…I'm so sorry it has to be this way,' Jaime said, blinking rapidly as he removed his hand from her cheek. 'But I just…I can't bear to think that I'll do nothing to protect my sister and my baby.'

'I understand. I would expect nothing less of you,' Brienne said in a small voice, wiping away a stray tear from her cheek.

Jaime shook his head as he gazed at her, mesmerized. 'I feel unworthy of you.'

But Brienne smiled at him as she brought his hand up to her lips. 'You shouldn't,' she murmured, and she kissed the top of his hand before looking at him in turmoil. 'You have to go now, don't you?'

'I…I think so, yes,' Jaime murmured heavily, regretting his words already. 'Or I'll be too late.'

Brienne nodded tearfully. 'Let me walk you out.'

They left their bedchambers together and walked out of the castle hand-in-hand. When they reached Jaime's horse in the middle of the courtyard, Brienne went up to it to check the saddle, just as she had done years ago when they had been on the road with Roose Bolton's soldiers escorting them away from Harrenhal and back to King's Landing. Those had been much simpler times. They hadn't known pain like this back then. And yet they also hadn't known the happiness they had shared together this past month. Jaime wondered if it had all been worth it, now it had led to this. He hoped that Brienne thought so. At least he was comforted by the thought that they both knew that they would love each other until their dying breath, come what may…whenever that might be.

'Have you got enough food? And water?' Brienne asked anxiously.

'Yes, I'll be fine.'

'What about another cloak?' she went on, frowning as she rested her hands on his chest, and Jaime closed his eyes. 'You'll be far too cold-'

'Brienne. It's all right,' Jaime interrupted gently, and he rested his hand against her cheek once more, trying to reassure her. 'These weeks with you have been the best of my life. The happiest.'

Brienne smiled with trembling lips. 'Mine too,' she murmured, the tears welling up again in her eyes. 'I wouldn't change anything. Not one single thing from our time together.'

'I would. Just one thing.'

'Losing your hand?' Brienne guessed.

'No, not that,' Jaime said, his lips twitching ever so briefly, and then his face fell. 'The existence of my wretched sister.'

'Don't say that,' Brienne said at once, shaking her head. 'She's your blood, she's a part of you. And anyway, she's separate from us…from me and you.'

A tear escaped from Jaime's eyes as he nodded heavily. 'Then in that case…I have no regrets. I wouldn't change a thing either.'

Aside from perhaps this night, if I had the strength to do so.

'Not the battle at Winterfell, not Riverrun, not the bear pit and Harrenhal and Locke and all the rest of it, not even that stupid sword fight on the bridge. I'd change none of it,' he said, and he clutched both his hands around hers. 'Except perhaps some of the words I spoke to you…which, in hindsight, might have been quite harsh.'

Brienne laughed softly, which made Jaime laugh as well as he rested his forehead against hers. They stood there for a moment like that, half-laughing and half-crying as they tried to freeze this moment in time and in their memory so it would go on forever.

'You're my soulmate, you know,' Jaime murmured, kissing her forehead before leaning away and fixing her with his intense gaze. 'I meant what I said in the Godswood, every word and more. We'll find each other again, whether in this life or the next-'

Brienne frowned. 'I thought you didn't believe in life after death.'

'Well I do now. We will find each other again, I promise. That's what we do,' he said, a small smile on her lips.

'You'll come back for me? If you live through this?' Brienne whispered.

'I will. And I won't ever leave you again. Not unless you ask me to,' Jaime promised, and he pressed his lips to the top of her hand as he gripped it tightly. 'I am yours, and you are mine, Brienne. From this day, until the end of my days.'

Brienne exhaled shakily as more tears came. She'd wanted to hear him say those words for so long, but never in these circumstances. She couldn't bear to see the face she loved about to disappear from her life, most likely forever. As her face tore up in anguish, Jaime drew her into his arms and time seemed to stand still as they held each other tightly. A thousand things unsaid passed between them in their embrace as they both thought longingly of what might have been and the future that they could have, full of peace and happiness…

Maybe I will survive through this after all. Maybe I'll save Cersei and help stop the war, and then I can come back to be with Brienne for good at last, and I'll finally be worthy of her…

Childish, wishful thoughts kept swimming through Jaime's mind as he held onto Brienne tightly. For one strange moment there was then only him and her, and the call of his sister and the threat of the war didn't exist. It was just the two of them. And then the moment was gone just as quickly as it had come. Jaime's face crumpled as he clung desperately to her, wanting nothing more than to just stay here in her arms and never let go, but knowing he couldn't.

As they broke apart from their hug, Jaime then leaned in to kiss Brienne for the last time. Her lips trembled against his as they kissed tenderly, trying to memorize every last sensation of the feel of each other. When they leaned apart, tears were streaming down both their faces.

'I love you,' Jaime whispered, cupping her face softly in his hands.

Whatever distance there would be between them while he was gone, Jaime knew that there was nothing he wouldn't do to find his way back to her. All he had to do was pray that this war, Cersei and Daenerys Targaryen wouldn't tear them apart before they could reunite.

Brienne nodded as she placed her hand over his as it rested on her cheek, and held him tightly to her. 'I love you too.'

A part of her longed to knock him unconscious and keep him locked away to prevent him from leaving, but she knew she couldn't do that. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't rescue him. All she could do was love him and let him go. It was the hardest thing she ever had to do.

Jaime gave her hands a squeeze and then Brienne released her hold of him. Wiping the tears away from his face, Jaime scrambled up onto his horse, wondering if he would ever see Brienne again. He doubted he would, but he had to hold out hope that he would return to her; it would be the only thing that would keep him going on this mission. He would be able to come back here to Winterfell, to Brienne, to everything he had ever wanted, and finally be worthy of her love. All he had to do was save his sister and baby, and secure the future for him and Brienne and everyone else.

Hoping he was doing the right thing, Jaime then turned around for one last look at Brienne. She was trying to put on a brave face as she raised her hand in farewell and gave him a reassuring smile, but he could still see the tears trickling down her cheeks. Blinking away his own tears, Jaime raised his hand as well, and suddenly he was reminded of the last time they had waved goodbye to each other, back at Riverrun.

We found each other again after that day, when we never thought we'd see each other again. We can do that again.

Jaime gazed into those beautiful blue eyes of Brienne's for the last time and then with a nod and smile, he turned around and rode across the courtyard and out through the open gates for the last time. He knew as the cold wind bit at his cheeks and the tears continued to fall that he would love Brienne with everything in him until the last breath left his body.