Epilogue: The Hokage Interviews

Orochimaru watched me with his serpentine eyes narrowed. "That was a very long and incredibly detailed story, but I feel like it left me even more confused than when I first asked my question. I would like to ask it again—and this time, please keep your answer to a sentence or two. Why precisely do you want to be Hokage?"

"Vengeance," I said.

"Right. Yes. So, everything you've been doing since your brother's death—all of your promotions, your leadership roles, your heroism in the last shinobi war—is all because of…"

"Vengeance."

"What about that time you sacrificed yourself heroically, only surviving due to chance?"

"Vengeance."

Orochimaru made a small, strangled noise deep in his throat. "You have been nursing this grudge for twelve years."

"Hn."

"I do appreciate that sort of dedication," Orochimaru muttered. "I also noticed, during this story, that you repeatedly mentioned times that you thought about treason, but then brushed those thoughts aside."

"You asked for honesty."

"Yes, I did, but I didn't expect it."

Orochimaru tugged thoughtfully at his chin-length hair. He looked out the window, his eyes fixed on the second Third Hokage's face on the Hokage Mountain. "I'll admit…it isn't the worst reason I've heard today."

"It took me weeks before I got all of the skin out from under my fingernails. I could barely see through the blood. But at least most of it wasn't mine this time…And that's the day I knew that I wanted to be the Hokage."

Orochimaru fought down his nausea. "What I gather from this story is that you have a stunning will to survive and an incredible fondness for blood. In some ways, you remind me of me."

Ibiki Morino watched him, silent.

Orochimaru suddenly realized that, for the past ten minutes, Ibiki had not blinked. Or, if he had, he had precisely timed them to occur during Orochimaru's blinks. He licked his lips nervously. "I'm not sure this position needs another me."

Orochimaru circled Naruto, surveying the man and the Hokage office—certain that it was peppered with the shinobi's clones. Naruto was his own spy network, which only occasionally reported to the Hokage. In this meeting, Orochimaru didn't need to ask the usual questions. The Uzumaki boy had made his motivation clear enough over the years and had loudly, repeatedly announced his qualifications for the position.

Orochimaru had brought him in for only one reason.

"Naruto," Orochimaru said at last. "Your most positive quality in terms of this position is that you genuinely love this village."

Naruto grinned. "You bet I do."

"Unfortunately, that raises one follow-up question"—Orochimaru peered at him—"Why?"

Naruto spoke with absolute confidence. "Because I'm a loyal Konoha ninja!"

"You wanted to see me?" Tsunade strode into the room, sitting at her desk beside Orochimaru's.

"Yes, this is your interview for the Hokage position.

Tsunade snorted. Then, her voice warm with amusement, said, "Really?"

Orochimaru waved a hand. "A few of the upper echelon were insistent about it. This is obviously a formality."

"Of course it is"—Tsunade rested her feet on her desk—"I am the Hokage."

Orochimaru stuck his long tongue out at her. After it slowly furled back down his throat, he said, "That's a hurtful thing to say."

"You wouldn't have lasted twenty minutes in this position without me."

"I resent that implication."

Tsunade leaned forward to inspect some paperwork on her desk. "I went on vacation for one week, and you started a shinobi war."

Orochimaru huffed, refusing to look at her. "I don't know why you constantly feel this need to play the blame game. A lot of people started that war."

"Uh-huh. If I left, I can picture you: On the floor, missing at least two limbs, and crying, 'I created you. Why are you trying to eat me?'" Tsunade tossed the paperwork at him.

Orochimaru caught it and immediately signed it, noting that it had something to do with sanitation budgets. "That only happened one time."

"And I had to save you."

"Yes, well, arguably…"

Tsunade chuckled. "So how's this interview going?"

Orochimaru pursed his lips. "Hm. You're just too good. I may have to hire you, after all."

"I don't accept."

"Blast."

"I know that I haven't passed the Chuunin Exams yet"—Kabuto shuffled his cards, eyes fixed on their movement—"but I think this is my year."

Orochimaru sighed. "You do know you're a jounin, right?"

"After Hinata singlehandedly won us the last shinobi war, she introduced puppetry into the Hyuuga clan style, which was my idea. I invented it. I thought of it. I saw it coming. And I have a lot of ideas, for all the clans. But they aren't going to listen until I'm bigger than they are. Also, I've noticed that it's been twenty years since my last promotion. Why is that?" Kakashi peered quizzically at Orochimaru.

Orochimaru leaned against his desk, resting his chin in his hands, and watched one of his most eccentric ninja ramble on. "Well, there's only one Hokage."

Kakashi snapped his fingers. "That's something else I might want to change."

"I appreciate how you're thinking critically about the village."

Kakashi stroked his mask. "Now, I'm not really sure how this works. I didn't do any research before applying. Based on my previous observations, I'm assuming that we must fight to the death."

Orochimaru dodged as Kakashi lunged for the Hokage's desk with a growing chidori on his right hand.

The Anbu had replaced all the damaged furniture, shoved plants in front of the worst dents in the wall, and successfully fought off Kakashi. While Orochimaru was still a touch shaken, perhaps this had been for the best. At least all of the Naruto clones eavesdropping in the Hokage's office had been dispelled. Well, hopefully that had been all of them.

"I like your haircut, Hokage-sama," Sakura said as she and her duplicate stood in front of the newly-replaced Hokage desk.

"My…?" Orochimaru patted his now shoulder-length hair, then hissed with displeasure. "Yes, thank you. I needed a change."

Inner Sakura was slightly taller and more buxom than her counterpart, with snow-colored skin and black hair. She gestured toward the frayed, slightly crisped edges of Orochimaru's ruined hair. "Did you burn it off?"

Orochimaru tucked a lock behind his ear. "As much as I am usually happy to talk about my styling decisions, I have a very busy schedule today. I've brought you here as part of my search for a successor."

Sakura flushed and clasped her hands. "Oh, I appreciate the thought, really, but I have a lot of responsibilities with my sons and my clan, and Naruto would never let it go if I accepted, so…"

Inner Sakura stepped forward, pushing Sakura back. "I'll be Hokage."

"Inner!" Sakura squawked.

"Screw you. I crave power."

"This isn't an offer," Orochimaru interjected. "Or even an interview."

"Why not?" Inner Sakura spiked killer intent.

Sakura elbowed her.

"Mostly the reasons you listed. How are your sons, by the way?"

Sakura's smile widened. "Takada is boisterous, always getting into something. Inner Takada is shy, but he's learning to express himself and not just hide behind his brother."

"Lovely." Orochimaru made a mental note to look further into the new Yamanaka bloodline sprouting beneath his nose. "And your husband?"

"Is a perfectly ordinary flower salesman," the women said in unison, "and there's nothing suspicious about that."

"He's also a retired ninja with several honors," Inner Sakura added, "which is weird 'cause I don't remember him serving in the war."

"What…Oh, right. Owl," Orochimaru muttered.

"Would it be alright to ask why we've been summoned?" Sakura said.

"Several of the people I've spoken to today have put you down as a reference—most notably the members of your former genin team."

Inner Sakura clapped her hands. "Ooh. Big mistake."

Sakura's ever-present smile twitched with suppressed laughter. "I recommend none of them. Frankly, I would be terrified if Kakashi, Naruto, or Sasuke ended up in any real position of power."

"Honestly?" Orochimaru said. "Me too."

Sakura did laugh then.

"Who else put us down?" Inner Sakura asked.

"Hinata Hyuuga," Orochimaru said.

A trace of disbelief colored Sakura's tone. "Hinata?"

Inner Sakura twisted her lips. "No, wait, that makes sense. Kind of. She did basically win us the war with that whole 'puppet master of demons' thing. And she's the head of the Hyuuga now, since her dad died."

"The Hyuuga are terrified of her. That could be the entire village," Sakura said.

"She's a total sweetheart," Inner Sakura said.

"Yes, because she's our friend. But have you ever thought about what it would be like if she weren't our friend?"

As their argument escalated and killer intent thickened the air, Orochimaru leaned back in his chair and smiled.

"Don't shame your ancestors," the gruff voice of Hiashi Hyuuga said.

"And you should smile, but don't be creepy about it," a high-pitched voice added.

Hinata entered the Hokage's office, trailed by two puppets. She was smiling the insincere, slightly manic sort of smile that was so common in Konoha, yet always set Orochimaru on edge.

"Hokage-sama," she said, bowing. The puppets bowed in unison.

"Hinata, what a pleasure to see you," Orochimaru said. "You're here about the Hokage position, of course."

"Of course," the Hiashi puppet said. "It is time for a Hyuuga hokage."

A chakra string darted out of Hinata's pinkie and attached to Hiashi's jaw. His teeth snapped shut.

Orochimaru licked his lips with his serpentine tongue. "I'll begin with the question that I've been asking all of today's applicants: Why do you want to become the next Hokage of Konoha?"

"Well, my father was very insistent about it, and yes, I know he's just a puppet now. But I value his opinion."

Orochimaru walked to the window, watching people bustle through the streets below. "A lot of people are puppets, if you think about it."

Hinata began to play with her chakra strings, Hiashi's ball-jointed fingers curling and uncurling at her will. "I suppose so, yes. Most aren't actually dead, though."

"That's another philosophical question," Orochimaru said.

"Anyway, my father's opinion is the main reason why I'm here. I don't really think you would choose me, of course."

Orochimaru turned away from the window. "You're my front-runner."

"I'm what?" Hinata squeaked.

"Our day has come," Hiashi said.

An Anbu in the corner peeled back his mask to reveal Naruto, which was incredibly concerning because Naruto wasn't in Anbu, and not in the "no one is in Anbu" way that most Anbu members weren't in Anbu.

Naruto said, "What about me?!"

The jinchuriki suddenly froze, connected to Hinata with shimmering chakra strings. She spoke with a slight quaver to her voice. "Naruto, you are committing treason right now. In at least three ways. M-maybe more. I think of you as a friend, which is why I have to insist that you leave."

The small puppet crawled up Hinata's arm to murmur in her ear. "Yeah, you tell him. Don't let the brat steal your chance at power."

Hinata closed her eyes, sighed deeply, and then snapped them open. "Okay, all three of you. Out."

Naruto and the two puppets stiffly exited the office through the front door.

Hinata folded her hands together, chakra strings crisscrossing each other. "Um, Naruto is probably still here. Just so you know."

Orochimaru waved away her concerns. "I've honestly given up on flushing him out. Let's return to your candidacy."

"I really don't feel qualified."

"You've been recommended by several of the other applicants, most of them unintentionally. You can puppet people, you can control demons, and you can see through walls. Contrary to popular belief, most Hokages can only do those things in a metaphorical sense."

Hinata began fiddling with her fingers. A sudden crash occurred outside and a startled yell rose from the chuunin on desk duty. What was she ordering the puppets to do?

She peered at him. "I'm not sure I would be a very good Hokage."

"You've done just fine with the Hyuuga clan. Very iron-fisted. I approve. Besides, that you're worrying about it at all is a good sign." Orochimaru slipped back into his chair.

Hinata gulped, her fingers now clenched white. "I don't want to be Hokage, sir."

"Neither did the Fourth, and he did great"—Orochimaru spun around in his chair—"It may also bring you comfort to know that I do not plan to die."

Orochimaru paused for a moment, lost in thought and slightly dizzy. He spoke slowly. "Allow me to rephrase that. My predecessor did not plan to die. I am actively planning not to die."

Hinata nodded. "Right, yes, I've heard you're immortal."

"I am, and I'm never retiring. On the off-chance I possibly am not immortal, however, there's you."

Hinata stepped closer to the desk, her shy smile genuine. "In that case, I hope you live forever."

Orochimaru leaned forward to grab her hands, beaming. "Me too!"