Chapter 25 – Stages

When Bella broke up with me, I was down, but got better with time; I accepted her decision because I had no other choice. However, after Bella's attempted take on her own life, I reached an all new level of low. It was so much lower than I ever thought was possible for me, and I couldn't help but think it would swallow me whole.

In the days that followed my hospital altercation with Rosalie, I couldn't even get out of bed to make it into work. In fact, it took three full days of solitude, and Garrett physically dragging my ass out of my apartment, in order for me to get up and moving again. It was just too much. It honestly felt like Bella had died, and I began going through those grieving stages. I was angry and in pain, and even spent some time in denial. And I bargained. I bargained within myself on whether or not I should attempt to contact her again. It was all absolute torture.

I kept telling myself that the pain would get better with time, but it seemed time was only increasing my descent the longer I went without contact with her.

Was she getting better?

Was she still locked up somewhere so she couldn't hurt herself again?

Not knowing was tearing me apart, so I decided to send Charlie a text to see how she was doing. It wasn't my first message to him since her incident, but it was the first time I actually pressed the "send" button on one of them. I wasn't sure why I hadn't actually contacted him sooner, but as I waited for a response, my stomach twisted in painful anxious knots. Perhaps deep down I didn't want an answer. Perhaps I was terrified to know just how poorly she had been doing. Not knowing may have been tearing me apart, but surely it was better than knowing for certain that she was suffering.

As I nervously waited for Charlie to get back to me, there was an unexpected knock on my door. I was so tense from staring at my phone that I jumped at the sound of the knock, but my momentary startle quickly morphed into a groan of annoyance.

"Not now," I mumbled as I forced myself off the couch.

I was pretty sure I already knew who was there. Other than my irritatingly worried parents, Garrett was really the only person who gave a shit about me anymore; he was always checking in on me every few days and whatnot. I appreciated it, really I did, but at the moment, I just wanted to be left alone.

I had my speech to him all worked up in my mind as I went to answer the door. – Bro, thanks for the concern, but I'm fine, and no I don't feel like going out tonight. – It was the same speech I gave him every time he came over without warning.

However, when I opened the door this time, I was shocked, and flummoxed, and bewildered, and angry, and relieved, and grateful, and just about every emotion imaginable just from seeing Bella's beautiful face looking back at me. Of course, once again, it wasn't Bella who was behind those eyes, and this time my defenses immediately went up as high and they could possibly go…

"What are you doing here?" I asked evenly.

"Can I come in?" Rosalie asked, slightly softer than I had anticipated.

I didn't want her to come in. I didn't want to be anywhere near her because of the fact that I did blame her for what happened to Bella. But at the same time, she was a part of Bella, so I had an almost innate need to be near her in any way shape or form, or alter. In the end, that need for Bella beat out my disdain for the current personality controlling her body.

Without speaking, I simply moved aside as a silent invite into the home we once shared.

"Thanks," she said awkwardly.

It wasn't until she was already inside that I noticed the cat carrier in her hand and the overstuffed duffle bag hanging from her shoulder.

"What are you doing?" I asked confused, but before she answered she set her things down and opened the cat carrier door. "Jasper!" I said excitedly.

I suppose I knew he was there the moment I saw the crate, but it didn't really hit me until she let him out.

"Hey buddy, I missed you," I said as I scooped him up in my arms and couldn't help but smile at his immediate purr.

"I think he missed you too," Rosalie muttered. "The hairball never purrs with me. He's been in a funk lately."

"Well, I've heard cats can sense evil, so," I said nonchalantly with a shrug.

"Har har," she replied.

"Wasn't a joke," I retorted.

"Well, fuck you too! I brought the cat as a peace offering, but if you're just going to be a jackass."

"A peace offering?" I asked confused and slightly disturbed. "Why on earth would you feel the need to bring a peace offering to me? We are nothing to each other anymore. I'm not even dating any of your alters. Hell, I'm sure Alice has found someone else by now that she will want to bring the cat to."

Rosalie chewed on her lower lip, just like the way Bella did when she was anxious about something. It was a bit disorienting. I wasn't used to seeing Rosalie with any kind of anxiety about anything, and her action just made my stomach twist in pain from missing Bella even more than I already was.

"What is it?" I questioned, knowing there had to be another reason for her unusual visit and uncharacteristic facial expressions.

"They're missing," she said unexpectedly.

"Who is missing?" I asked unsure.

"All of them," she replied quietly. "Even when I was in control before, I'd still feel them. It was like a sixth sense, or something. I couldn't exactly hear them speaking, but I always knew when one was itching to get out. Now… nothing. I've even tried retreating back into the theater to talk to them, but it's like I've forgotten how. I can't get back in, and I don't feel them anymore to let them back out. Edward… I'm scared," she said, far more emotional than I had ever seen her before.

Surprisingly, I remained calm. "How long has it been?"

"Since Bella…" She paused to get ahold of herself. "Since Bella took those pills. When I woke up in that hospital, I woke up alone, and I've been alone ever since. I'm sorry to just show up here like this, but I thought… I thought maybe they would come back if you were around again. They all love you, so…"

My eyes reflexively moved to her duffel bag. "You're planning on staying here with me?"

"Hoping to," she said with a forced smile.

"You blamed me for what Bella did, and now you think I can fix it?" I asked incredulously.

"I don't know if you can fix it, but I'm desperate. Look, I was really fucking scared when I woke up in that hospital, okay? I lashed out and said some things I shouldn't have."

"That's what you do, Rosalie," I retorted, beginning to get angry. "You're always saying things you shouldn't and jumping to the wrong conclusions. I was never working with Doctor Peters, and you fucking knew it! All of this shit…."

"Is my fault!" she finished for me. "I know. Okay? I fucked up, and I failed at my one purpose in life. I failed at protecting Bella. But that's why I'm here. I'm trying to fix it. I'm trying to make it all right, but I can't do that if you don't help me."

"Bella broke up with me, so you moving back in here would just make it worse. It's her choice, Rose. We can't make it for her."

"I get that, and I will gladly leave the second I hear her voice or feel her presence again. Hell, if she really wants us away from you, maybe she will come back just to make it happen. Please Edward? I'm out of other ideas, and I really don't know how to do this without you. You know how hard that is for me to admit."

I had been so down lately that I really didn't have the strength or mental capacity to argue with her at the moment. At the very least, having Rosalie there meant I knew Bella was safe – or her body was safe that is. So, I sighed and said, "Whatever," before escaping to my bedroom for the night.

I had never actually moved any of Bella's or her alters things from the apartment, nor did Charlie ever come to collect them, but I had become accustom to whatever of theirs was left as if it was just part of the apartment décor. However, when I emerged from my room the following morning, I was shocked by the vast change in the apartment. Rosalie's stuff was everywhere; but not only hers, so was Jasper's, and Alice's, and Tanya's, and even some of Bree's toys.

"What the hell?" I mumbled to myself.

Surprisingly, Rosalie was already up and messing around in the kitchen. She must have heard my shock from all the way in there, so she peeked her head out to explain.

"Sorry about the mess. I wanted to bring some of their things over just to hopefully entice them back out. I figured maybe something would spark their interest. I can pick it all up if you want me to."

"No, it's fine," I said while stepping over one of Bree's stuffed animals. "How long do you think you'll be staying?" I questioned.

"However long it takes… or until I just bug the shit out of you so much that you throw me out. Whichever comes first."

"You're already bugging the shit out of me," I mumbled to myself, but decided it was best to try to just ignore her presence as much as possible.

Over the next few weeks or so, Rosalie co-existed with me in my apartment, but we rarely spoke. We moved around each other and would even sit besides each other, but we had very little to say. Regardless of our lack of verbal communication, she seemed to be trying to play nice and she cleaned the entire place, including doing my laundry that had been piling up for far too long. It was obvious that she was carrying a shit ton of guilt over what happened to Bella, but I was glad. She should damn well feel that guilt. Maybe it would knock some sense into her. Hopefully she would shape up and make it easier on everyone when the others finally reemerged.

But they didn't reemerge. Week after week they remained dormant, and as the time continued on, I could see Rosalie falling deeper and deeper into that dark funk that I had been consumed by for so long. We were existing together in that apartment, but we were both still alone, and eventually I realized we were making a huge mistake.

"You know, I really don't think having you here all the time like this is helping anything," I told her one late afternoon. She had just come home from the bookstore, but she was already in her sweats and letting her chips fall all around her on the couch as she stared blankly at the television.

She looked around herself. "Oh, sorry about the mess. I'll clean it," she mumbled, almost vacantly.

"I know you'll clean it. Making huge messes and then spending hours cleaning them is about all you do outside of work anymore," I grumbled.

"What else is there to do?" she retorted emotionlessly as she smashed another chip in her face. "Besides, you're one to talk. You don't do anything either."

"You're right, and it's been long enough for the both of us," I told her.

Then I grabbed the chips and held them out of her reach as she protested and tried to get them back.

"No, we're done with this shit!" I exclaimed. "No amount of emo-sulking is going to bring them back. Look at yourself; you're covered in chip grease and it's nasty. Whatever happened to you wanting to do that Keto diet anyway?"

She shrugged. "It was a fad. I'm over it. Why? Am I getting fat now?"

"No, but at least you were eating real food then. When was the last time you actually ate anything other than chips anyway?"

She tried to remember, but it was so long ago that she legitimately didn't have an answer for me.

"Come on, get up. Go get changed," I insisted. Rosalie would never be my favorite person, but she was in a body that I still loved, and if only for Bella's sake, I couldn't stand to see her waste away like that for another day.

My parents had available box seats to the Mariners, so because the timing of it was right, we took advantage. Rosalie grumbled something about me being sexist for taking the lesbian to a sporting event when I never took any of the others, but I just ignored her. She was just bitching to bitch, and I refused to let her get to me for a moment longer.

For the first half of the game, Rosalie basically kept her nose in her phone and was completely oblivious to anything happening in front of her. She could have been sitting on our couch doing the same shit, so I decided to over-step, and I grabbed her phone.

"Hey!" she protested.

"Next time I'm inviting Charlie," I told her.

"You should have invited him this time. This is beyond boring."

"Look, baseball isn't my favorite thing either, but if you try to get into it, it's not so bad. Just attempt to watch the game. Or at least pretend to, because you're not getting your phone back until it's over."

"Excuse me? Who made you my father? Even if you were, I'm a grown-ass adult and you can't tell me what to do! And stop taking my shit from me all the time!"

"You may be an adult, but you're living in my apartment, and you haven't contributed a dime since you've been back. So, if you want to stay, you'll do as I say," I said smugly.

"That's fucking blackmail!" she hissed.

I shrugged indifferently.

"Ugh! You're so maddening!"

"I can say the same about you," I responded. "Holy shit!" I then shouted as the crowd erupted. It was a grand slam and the stands were celebrating like it was the World Series. "That was awesome! See?"

"What do you want me to see exactly?" Rose sulked. "A bunch of grown men in ridiculously tight pants playing a children's game?"

"You're fucking incorrigible," I told her. "Is it your goal in life to be miserable and make everyone around you just as miserable? I'm not sure why I'm asking that like it's a question. Of course that's your life goal. I honestly don't know why I even bother. At least eat something so this entire thing isn't a complete waste of time."

"What do you want me to eat? Cancer in a bun?" she said repulsed while gesturing to the hot dogs in front of us. "Why the hell do you think that's any better than my usual diet?"

"At least they have protein in them," I replied. "If you don't want a hot dog, there's other stuff here. I can get you a steak sandwich. Chili cheese fries?"

She moaned as a response.

"Despite what you might think you like; you actually do enjoy chili cheese fries. Bella used to eat them whenever we went anywhere that had them."

"That's Bella. Not me," she disagreed.

"You share the same taste buds," I argued.

"Well, then it's true what they say that people can learn to like certain foods. It's just a lesson I never forced on myself."

"You know, you're pickier than Bree."

She rolled her eyes. "Fine, whatever. Just tell me what you want me to eat and I will."

I raised my brows as a reaction to her unexpected surrender. "You will? Why?"

"I'm just tired of fighting with you. Besides, you're right; I'm here to try to get out of my funk so I can be strong enough to look for Bella and the others."

"Yeah," I agreed.

"And I suppose you're also right that chips alone aren't enough to sustain me."

I nodded.

"So, tell me what to eat then."

I considered it. "I'll go get you a steak sandwich. It's probably the healthiest thing here."

"Great. Bring on the dead cow."

"Don't suddenly pretend to be a vegetarian," I whined.

"I'm not. It's fine. Whatever. If you don't want to get it for me, I can get it myself."

"I'll get it. If you go, you'll probably end up coming back with more chips."

I got up before she could argue anymore, and by the time I was back, I was pleasantly surprised to see Rosalie actually watching the game.

"What did I miss?" I questioned.

"One of the green guys tried to get to the next pillow, but he was spotted, so they started throwing the ball back and forth and tried to hit him with it. They missed every time, and then one of the guys in white dropped the ball, and the green guy slid on his stomach, and then everyone booed."

I nodded to myself as I tried to make some sense out of her explanation. "Well damn. At least we're still winning. Here you go. Just try to eat it," I said while handing her the sandwich.

"I'll eat this if you eat that," she said, pointing to the bag of big fluffy cotton candy sitting next to my seat.

"Um…"

"Nope. You need to eat it," she insisted. "Talk about not knowing how to have fun. Sit back and eat your damn candy."

"I'm not big on sweets," I disagreed.

"Just eat it. It's only fair."

"I'm not sure what cotton candy has to do with anything," I argued.

"Edward, are you a liar?" she asked me, seemingly out of the blue.

"No."

"Then eat the damn candy like you promised Bree you would do."

"Huh?" I asked confused.

"I can't be the only one who remembers this," she mumbled under her breath. "One night, when you were watching some kid movie with Bree, a character was eating cotton candy and she didn't know what it was. You explained it to her, said it was your favorite when you were little, and promised her you guys would get some the next time you saw it. Well, there you go. Eat the damn shit and maybe she will get excited and come out."

"So, when you were in the theater, did you sit there all day and night, and just watch everything me and the others would do?" I questioned curiously.

I did, in fact, remember that conversation with Bree, but I was surprised Rose did as well. What a boring and miserable existence it must have been for them to be stuck watching someone else control them for so long.

"If you're asking me if I watched while you fucked them, the answer is hell no! I don't want your dick anywhere near me, and I certainly don't need to sit in the theater and watch you use it on my body like some weird psychedelic porno. It's bad enough I've woken up with your jizz on me before, I certainly have no desire for a visual."

I stared at her dumbfounded for a moment. "That is so not what I was talking about," I said evenly. "Besides, like I told you before, I've always used condoms, therefore any moisture you had on you while waking up after one of the others was with me, was evidence of your own bodily excitement."

She honestly looked like she was going to puke, so I couldn't help but get in one more little jab.

I draped my arm over her shoulder and smiled. "Aww, it's okay, buddy. Your body is just really, really, responsive to mine. I just have to sit close and…"

She threw my arm off of her and literally quivered like she had a sudden chill.

"See?" I laughed.

"No, you're right. My body definitely responds to yours – your body makes mine want to vomit."

"You know, there is an extremely thin line between love and hate," I said teasingly.

"You're right again," she replied with fake enthusiasm. "Alice was totally in love with you, and then you drew that thin little line and now she loathes you. Funny how that works."

I immediately became serious. "She hates me? How do you know?"

"You broke her heart, you blithering buffoon. Of course she hates you… Or, at least, she did hate you… the last time she was out… which was a long time ago now," she said, getting increasingly more depressed as she spoke.

We were both silent for a few minutes as her words struck us painfully in our hearts. It was just one more reminder that it had been too long – which was why we needed to do whatever possible to entice them back out.

Since neither of us were particularly enjoying the game, we cut out early before it was over to avoid the mad rush. I expected a long silent drive home, but Rosalie surprised me by asking – "So, what's our next little harrowing adventure?"

"What do you mean?" I questioned.

"I really think the best way to entice the others back out is to do stuff they like. Alice is the strongest, after me, so let's do stuff we know she would want to come out for."

"We could crash a wedding," I joked.

"Okay, let's do that," she agreed readily.

I laughed. "Or we could go cliff diving. Sex on the rocks?"

She scowled at me in disgust.

"Hey, if you want to entice Alice out, sex is the way to do it," I said facetiously.

"You're right," she said unexpectedly, but then thankfully took it in another direction. "And since we sure as hell aren't going to do that, we should move on to Tanya. What would make her come out?"

I considered it for a moment. "Sex."

"Ugh!" she groaned. "Tanya wasn't all about sex before you, so what did she used to like?"

I attempted to take her question seriously, but the first thing that occurred to me was – "Teen Beat magazine?"

Rosalie sighed. "You're right. Tanya was always a daft moron. Maybe we should go to a pound to play with some disgusting animals for Bree."

"Now, hold on," I said, becoming defensive. "Tanya is not a moron, nor has she ever been one. She is actually quite smart when it comes to the things she is interested in. You know, she used to spend her time in the bookstore reading about the universe and whatnot. You guys just never gave her a chance to be anything other than a harebrained teenager."

"Well, that was her role," Rosalie said with her tone surprisingly full of guilt. "Tanya's purpose was to fulfill Bella's lost teen years."

"And even as a teenager, I'm sure Bella was nowhere close to being as dumb as you treated Tanya," I argued. "And whatever ignorance she had, was only because you guys refused to let her experience anything for herself."

Rosalie fell quiet again as she let my words sink in, but then she sighed. "You're probably right about that too. I didn't just fail at protecting Bella, I failed Tanya as well. And I'm sure I also fucked things up for Alice and Bree along the way. I'm trying to fix it, Edward. Look, I know you hate me, and you have every right to, so if you want me to move back out of your apartment and figure all this out on my own, I will. Just tell me."

"I don't hate you, Rose," I said, surprising both of us with my sincerity. "I just… You've made things way more difficult than they had to be. I'm not blaming you for everything that happened, because I know Bella had her own issues apart from you, but you certainly never helped the situation."

"I know," she agreed. "I know you will never believe me, but I really thought I was protecting them from you before. I just couldn't fathom why a guy like you would love someone with all of Bella's issues. She's not even… I guess I should say, we're not even all that attractive. And you… you look like you belong in a cologne or Abercrombie ad. I just had my guard up, and I guess I raised it so high that I was looking for issues where there weren't any, and I jumped on the one thing that made sense to me…"

"That I had ulterior motives? Yeah, I remember," I grumbled. "You know, for a protection mechanism, you sure as hell aren't very protective."

"We've already established how horrible of a protector I've been," she said evenly.

"Right, but I'm actually talking about that low self-esteem crap you just spewed. I mean, instead of worrying about your physical appearance, you should be helping the others feel more secure and confident."

"I never said I was worried about it. It's just a fact. We are the Plain Jane, girl next door type, and you look like… that," she said, gesturing to my face. "Even when you're a slob, you make it look like a fashion statement. I just never understood what you saw in us."

"You know, when you talk shit about how you look, it's sort of offensive to me," I told her. "You're basically saying that what I find attractive is wrong."

"I guess everyone has their type," she conceded, reiterating the point I had made all those months prior when we were watching the Miss America pageant on TV together.

"But it's not just me," I added. "You may not have noticed other guys checking you out when we go places, but I certainly have. And Alice got all kinds of attention when she used to go out partying."

"Because she was wild and easy," she disagreed. "Those outfits she always wore were like a calling card for men. They approached her because they knew she was looking to fuck."

"Wow, that is incredibly sexist and degrading of you to say."

"Well, it's the truth. Men are dogs."

"Some men are dogs," I agreed. "But the main reason why she always got so much attention was because she was beautiful and confident. She was never apologetic for anything she wore or how she looked. She could have been wearing a plastic bag with a beehive hairdo and she would still get all the attention she wanted because it's all about attitude. If you had an attitude adjustment, you would probably have another girlfriend by now."

She laughed once humorlessly. "You're assuming I want another girlfriend. Well, I don't. Like I told you before, I'm not into dating. That's not my job. Emma was a once in a lifetime thing."

"So you don't miss it?"

"It?" she said with disgust. "Are you talking about sex?"

"Yes!" I said unapologetically. "But not just sex. Intimacy. Feeling someone's arms around you. That warmth against your skin. Letting go of all the shit and stress in your life, even for just those precious moments, and feeling like you are right where you belong in the world. You can't tell me you don't miss it at all."

She stared out the window for a heavy beat, and then she shook her head. "That's not my purpose. Alice always took care of those needs for Bella when she couldn't do it herself."

"Well Rosalie, since we've already established that you basically suck at your purpose, maybe it's time for you to start opening yourself up to some other purposes," I suggested.

She laughed once. "Are you seriously telling me to go out and find a lover?"

"No," I said automatically, but then I reconsidered. "Well, maybe. I'm not Bella's boyfriend anymore, so it's not my place to hope you remain single forever. If being with someone in that way would help make you feel stronger, then that's what you should do."

"Wow, that's big of you," she said quietly. "And I'm not being sarcastic when I say that. I'm sure it can't be an easy thing for you to suggest, given then fact you're probably still in love with Bella."

"I am still in love with Bella, but she's not here, and she left me before she disappeared inside you, so I can't just sit by and hope she'll want me back someday."

"So, why are you helping me then?" she questioned quietly.

"Because I will always care about her. Regardless of whether or not we have a future together, I'd do anything to help you find her so she can get better. If I knew she was on her way to recovery, I think I'd finally be able to move on as well."

"And you really think the key to finding her is by me getting stronger?"

"Rosalie, I know all of you took a hit when Bella hurt herself, but because you've always been the strongest, it makes sense that you're the only one that was able to withstand it. You are Bella's strength; you're all the fight she has left, but even you are weak right now. I really think you need to find yourself before you can find them. At the very least, take advantage of this time you have to do something you were never able to do before when you had to share control."

"Like what?"

"I don't know. Anything. You can do anything you want; you just have to do it."

Rosalie returned her stare back to the darkened world outside her window. She was clearly lost in her thoughts, so I left her to it and tried to keep my focus on the road. Of course, slow traffic made that focus difficult, and it wasn't long before my own mind began to drift. It was almost surreal to me that I was just encouraging one of Bella's alters to take a path that could ultimately lead her to move on with someone new. But the truth was, Bella wasn't mine anymore, and it was more than likely she never would be again.

It seemed I had reached that stage of grief that is arguably the most difficult – acceptance. I was finally ready to let go of whatever hope I had been clinging to of a reconciliation, and just do anything I could to help Rosalie find a way back to them…