Another long chapter but there is a specific point I wanted to be at for the story. After all Christmas is in like three days! Enjoy!
Chapter 24
"I need help here!" Jay shouted at the nurse after running out of Erin's room. The nurse on duty rushed over to him, questioning him about what he was screaming about. "Erin, she's awake!" Jay answered quickly, his heart jumping out of his chest at the surprise. Despite waiting all this time for Erin to wake up, having it finally happen was almost unexpected, taking him off guard.
"I'll page the doctor," The nurse replied, rushing over to the counter to do so before following Jay inside the room, Jay leading the way. He stopped in his steps when he got back inside the room and found Erin's eyes closed again, as though she never woke up in the first place. He frowned, blinking several times to make sure what he was seeing was right.
"I swear her eyes were open just a minute ago!" Jay started sputtering, seeing the confused look on the nurse's face. Connor came in to the room then, excited look on his face at the good news. His grin quickly dropped after seeing Erin in the same position as before. "She was just awake!" Jay repeated, confused and baffled. He knew he saw Erin with her eyes open, staring out ahead. He knew he didn't imagine it, at least he didn't think he did.
"Alright," Connor said, trying to calm Jay down. "Let me check Erin out." Jay was still breathing hard, his heart dropping like it was falling off the ledge. He had gotten his hopes up and he was so happy that Erin was alright—that she was finally awake—and now he felt like he was going crazy. He couldn't even be a hundred percent sure now that his eyes weren't playing tricks on him. He watched in shuddering silence as Connor checked Erin's pupils, scanning his eyes over her body as the nurse read off her vitals. Jay ran his fingers through his head as he waited for news.
"She was awake," he repeated, not knowing what else to say. "I swear, her eyes were open! She woke up."
Connor finally finished his inspection and stepped toward Jay, a tight smile on his face. "Jay," he started.
"I'm not going crazy," Jay said, defending himself. "I know what I saw."
Connor held his hand up, "I know," he said calmly. "But Erin's not awake yet."
"But her eyes were open!"
"I believe you," Connor said. "It can happen in coma patient. It just means that she's making progress, she's fighting her way back. She is not fully out of the coma yet but it's a good sign."
Jay rubbed his face, not knowing exactly how to feel. On one hand, it was good that there was finally progress. On the other, he couldn't deny the huge disappointment he felt after being so relieved thinking Erin was finally awake. "She's okay though right?" Connor nodded. "She's going to wake up?"
"It's a major progress," Connor said, giving Jay a small smile. "She's strong and she's resilient. Just keeping holding onto that." Jay just nodded, eyes attached back onto Erin as Connor left after giving Jay a pat on the back.
Jay returned back to his seat, almost dejectedly and took the same position as he had been in for the past three days. He sighed, rubbing his face again. It was like he just deflated after what happened. He had been trying so hard to stay positive and just telling himself over and over again that Erin was going to wake up. Then he finally saw her eyes opened and his heart jumped, hopes filling his body. Now that he had gotten confirmation that it was just false alarm for now, it took everything that was left in his tired and aching body. He held Erin's hands and buried his face in them.
"You're doing so good Erin," he said, trying to keep his voice positive. "You're fighting so hard. So just keep fighting okay? I'm right here. I'll be here." There was little chance to Erin could actually hear him but if there was a one percent chance that she actually could, he wanted to make sure that she heard him be strong and encouraging, not defeated and heartbroken that he actually was. He wanted to get rid of that feeling. If his girl was fighting, then he needed to do his share and remained strong for her.
The first time she came around, she felt like she was underwater, everything was muffled and muted and she was having trouble taking in a normal breath. Her eyes were closed but she heard some indistinct sounds around her, sounds she couldn't make out. She wasn't sure if those were voices or just random noises, everything just sounded muffled and confusing. She wanted to call out for help but couldn't make any noise.
The second time was a little bit better but she still felt like she was underwater. She was trying her hardest to break to the surface and get some air, still unable to take a normal breath. Only this time she was able to notice something shoved down her throat, preventing her from breathing like normal. She's panicked but was unable to move her body properly. The only movement she could make was small wiggles in her fingers—more reflexive than purposeful—as she felt something holding her hand.
After what felt like countless cycles of gaining some consciousness before being pulled back under, Erin finally felt like she could see the surface of the deep ocean. Her eyes finally opened but everything was blurry around her. She was confused, not knowing where she was or what happened to her. All she could notice was the painful sensation down her throat, like something was shoved in it and it prevented her from taking a deep breath like she needed. She gasped, trying to take in a breath, and she heard indistinct noise coming somewhere else in the vicinity. The voice sounded familiar although she couldn't make out any of the words. She felt her hand being tugged and lifted up off the bed but she was too weak to protest or do anything else except blink a few times to clear her vision and let her hand be moved. Then the sensation moved to her forehead and she felt something cold touch her face before traveling to her head, moving her hair back. The action was almost comforting and it calmed her down during this confused state. It quelled the panic that was rising in her chest at her current predicament, not knowing what was going on around her.
"Erin?" She wanted to move her head to where the sound was coming from, the voice sounding familiar but she couldn't. Everything was still fuzzy around her but it was becoming more clearer by the minute, slowly but surely. Finally a face came into her view and she blinked, taking in the relieved looking face of Jay—unshed tears threatening to fall out of his eyes. She wanted to say something but couldn't, the breathing tube still preventing her to do so. All she could do was blink a couple more times, her vision regaining its clarity with each movement. She was still confused, unable to take in everything that was happening around her. She saw Jay bent down and kissed her forehead, happiness written all over his face when he pulled away before saying something to her that she couldn't make out completely. Then he was gone and she heard his shouts a few feet away.
He quickly returned to her eyesight and she felt her hand being held again. Then she heard more voices filled the room and she felt Jay being pulled away, her hand separating from his. She wanted to reach back out, wanting the comfort that she had earlier but she was unable to reach out to him and still unable to voice her desire.
Then her attention was pulled to the other faces that surrounded her bedside and she focused on them. Everything was becoming more coherent to Erin as time went by and she felt herself being poke and prodded, the medical staff examining her. She processed the simple commands given by Connor and she did her best to follow them, some commands proving more difficult than others. She was still confused and there was a pounding in her head that was painful but she didn't feel like she was underwater anymore.
"Okay good job Erin," she heard Connor say, an encouraging smile on his face and she saw Jay somewhere in the periphery but she couldn't see him completely. "We're going to do some more tests and then we can try and remove the tube from your throat okay? That might make you feel more comfortable. Blink once if you can understand." She complied.
Erin felt herself getting tired after what felt like endless amount of trying to follow the doctor's command and enduring endless amount of poking of her body. Finally she got what she wished for the second she woke up, the breathing tube was removed from her throat. She felt like she could take in a normal breath for the first time and she did just that, a small smile made its way on her face at the sensation. Then she felt a mask being put on, to further help her breathe but she'd take the mask over the tube any day.
"Everything is looking good Erin," Connor said as she settled back down on the bed, her hand being held by Jay again as he sat by her beside. Only this time Erin was able to turn her head and look at him. He gave her a blinding smile when he met her eyes and she returned a small one, the most she could manage at the moment. "Your vitals are strong, you did well on the neurological exam. You're not completely out of the woods but I have every confidence that you'll pull through." Erin could only nod.
"How are you feeling?" Jay asked her as he ran his fingers softly through her hair, Erin relaxing at his touch.
She reached up to pull the mask off of her face so she could answer. "Tired. Sleepy," she answered honestly. Her voice was hoarse and there was a little soreness in her throat. She felt like she could've slept for days despite apparently having done just that for days.
"Is that normal?" Jay asked Connor, concern palpable in his voice.
"Completely normal," Connor replied, reassuring both Jay and Erin. "Your body and brain have been through a lot. It's normal to feel tired and sleepy. It's important to listen to your body and rest when you need to."
"You hear that?" She heard Jay and she frowned, knowing that he just got full permission to completely hover her now. It wasn't as though she could've protested as much anyways, her body was aching all over and she felt like the weakest she ever felt in her life. The last time she could recall feeling like this was the last time she was in the hospital, only she was more scared back then. But seeing Jay's smiling face on her side brought her relief like she never thought possible, he was her wall, her calming force.
"Alright," Connor chuckled, "I'll be back to check in on you later and we want to do some more neurological tests when you're feeling a bit more capable. Rest your body Erin." He ordered and all Erin could do was nod. "It's great to have you back. You have a lot of people waiting for you." He winked at her, smiling genuinely as he left the room.
She turned to Jay, peeling off the mask to talk. "Jay, can you tell me what happened?" Her voice still didn't sound like her which wasn't exactly surprising, considering she hadn't talked in over three days.
She heard Jay sighed, an undecipherable look coming over his face. "Maybe when you're feeling better Erin." She shook her head, she wanted to know now. She needed to know now. Her memory of what happened was fuzzy and she wasn't sure what was real and what was her imagination. The last clear memory she had was being captured in the room with Jenny and Stan threatening to blow up the house. Everything else after that was a complete blank.
"Tell me," she repeated sternly. She began coughing after that, having exerted too much energy. Jay grabbed the hand that was holding the mask and brought it back to her face, allowing her to get some much needed oxygen in her lungs.
"Please keep it on," Jay begged, his hands still holding the mask for her. "I can't take hearing you in pain." Erin covered his hands with her and nodded. But her eyes remained on his, gesturing him to tell her what happened.
Jay sighed again, giving into her request. "Okay," he relented. "But if it gets to be too much for you, let me know and I can stop okay?" She nodded. "You were abducted by Stan from the rollup. Ruzek's friend, Maloney, he was working for Stan and he was helping him. That's how Stan was able to get to you. The whole video and his childhood home was a diversion so he got you alone." Jay closed his eyes, recalling the hell that they had been through. "When I got to the rollup and found you gone, I lost it. I've never been so scared in my whole entire life," he confessed, voice shaky. "We did everything we could to find out where you were and we couldn't find you in time." She held his hand that was tightly gripping her sheets, hoping to ease his obvious distress. "And when we finally figured out where you were and got to the location, we saw you fall out of the second story window." Now the tears that were threatening to fall out of Jay's eyes finally spilled over after recalling the memory of Erin falling through the window. "It was the most horrible thing I've ever saw," he said, tears falling onto Erin's hand. "I can't get it out of my head. I felt so helpless, watching you hit the ground. Then I saw Stan got up and pointed his gun at you and I just completely lost it."
She pulled her mask off. "You killed him? How's Jenny?"
He nodded. "I shot him, several times. He's dead. Jenny's fine. She's alright, thanks to you." Erin felt nothing but relief at Jay's words, knowing that Jenny was fine and that Stan was finally dead. She did feel sorry for him at one time but after what he did to his parents—murdering them in cold blood—all resemblance of compassion and empathy for him was gone. Stan would've killed her and Jenny if he got his way, he was a cold blooded killer. That was a fact.
"Thank you," she said sincerely.
Jay shook his head immediately. "Don't thank me," he protested, guilt written all over his face. "I was too late to save you. I should've figured it out earlier. I never should've left you behind." He dropped his face onto her hand and her heart broke for him, seeing the pain he was going through.
"Jay," she whispered coarsely, "It's not your fault!" She exclaimed the best she could, hoping to get through him. "You saved me. You killed Stan."
"If I had lost you," Jay said, voice broken. "Or if you never woke up, I don't know what I'd do. How I could've go on." Erin wanted to do nothing more than embrace the broken man by her side, unfairly blaming himself for things that were out of his control.
"I'm here," Erin reassured him, gripping his hands as best she could, still not having full strength. "I'm alright." Jay stood up and pressed his lips on her forehead, lingering there for a while. She felt his beating heart as he leaned over her and she wanted to do nothing more than just be in his arms.
"I love you," he whispered, his face inches from hers. "So much." She saw the sincerity in his eyes mixed with the pain and relief swirled in them. His eyes always told the whole story.
"I love you too."
He smiled widely at her reply. "I never thought I'd be able to hear you say those words again," he whispered, faces close together as he studied her. "I was so scared." He was still studying her closely and reached down to bring the mask back on her face. "I know you're tired so just rest Erin," he ordered, caressing her face. "I'll be here. Just sleep."
That was the easiest request she had to follow.
He couldn't stop staring. Staring and counting as his eyes remained on her sleeping body. He watched for every sign that something wasn't right, his brain counted every rise and fall of her chest, like he was waiting for something to go wrong. Despite Connor's repeated reassurance that Erin was doing better than expected for having come out of a coma, he was still holding in his breath, anxiety in his chest. She had been sleeping for hours already after first waking up and he was worried enough that he had called for Connor, who had reassured him that it was completely fine and normal for Erin to sleep for a long time. And that being in a coma wasn't the same thing as being asleep. Who knew?
In the time she remained peacefully sleeping, he had given the good news to Voight and everyone on their team, all of them relieved and overjoyed. Then one by one they had made their visits, Voight and Kim having stayed the longest. Jay had made sure that they didn't wake her up in their celebration, following Connor's orders to let her rest as much as she needed. Then they were called back to the station, still tying up loose ends. Adam had told him what was going on back at the district and why they were still not finished with the case. That because of how the case went so public with the press conference and tip line, there had been a lot more eyes on the case so the Ivory Tower had been on their backs, making sure that every i's were dotted and t's were crossed. It was almost as though his team was the criminal in the case, having to answer to every investigative questions and inquiries by IAD. Jay felt bad upon hearing that, like he abandoned his team. But Adam had reassured him that everyone understood, that Adam would be the same if it was Kim and everyone was just sorry that he lost his badge, for the moment anyway. Adam hinted on something was in the works about his badge but he didn't really pay attention to it, he wasn't going to get his hopes up at the long shot.
Erin finally stirred and he sat up more, moving closer to her. She opened her eyes slowly and looked around the room, smiling softly when she saw him.
"Hey," he smiled, running his hand through her hair. "How you feeling?"
She shrugged. "Okay," she answered, pulling off her mask. "I don't need this anymore," she told Jay when he moved to put it back on her. "I feel better without it." He nodded, wanting her to be as comfortable as she could be.
"Okay," he smiled again.
"How long had I been sleeping?" Erin asked groggily.
"A few hours," Jay replied. "Like about 7." Her eyes widened at his answer. He chuckled at seeing her reaction. "It's okay babe. You're supposed to sleep as much as you can so you can get better faster. Voight stopped by earlier. Everyone did but they didn't want to wake you up. But they'll be back later."
She nodded, smiling after hearing about her team. "Everyone is okay right?"
If it was more possible, he loved her even more then. She was always more concerned with other people rather than herself. "Yeah, everyone's great. They're excited to see you."
"Hmm," she gave a small hum, still sounding tired. As much as he knew that it was normal, he couldn't stop worrying about her. She looked so weak and fragile lying in the bed and he just wanted to protect her, take her away from anymore bad things happening to her. As he was studying her, looking for any sign of a problem, it seemed that she was doing the same to him. She frowned when she saw the state he was in, finally noticing his tired eyes and dark eye bags. "Are you okay?"
He smiled, kissing her palm. "I'm great." She looked like she didn't believe him and she lifted her hand, gesturing for him to get closer to her. So he leaned closer to her, resting his face in her hand just like she wanted. "Erin, I'm the happiest man in the world right now because you're okay." He kissed her hand again. "I promise," he spoke into her skin.
She looked like she still didn't believe him but she didn't have the energy to protest so she let it go. It wasn't as though he was lying. Despite the hell he had been through the past four days from the moment he found Erin missing to watching her fall to her finally waking up, everything was alright because she was awake and she was alright. That was all he needed, he didn't care about his own well-being or the torture his body and mind had been through.
Erin shifted and her eyes landed on the Christmas tree that was by her feet—the one that Jay had brought for her. She gasped with surprise at seeing the tree and their ornaments hanging on it. He followed her eyesight and smiled when he saw the tree himself.
"Jay," she said, her voice filled with awe. He smiled widely, intertwining his fingers with hers.
"I couldn't bring the real thing so I brought the next best thing," he explained. "I wanted you to see it when you wake up." Her eyes welled up at the thoughtful gesture. "You like it?"
She nodded, tear falling down her face. "I love it," she smiled. He returned her smile as he reached up to wipe her tear away. "Tear of happiness," she clarified, chuckling softly. "Thank you."
"You know I'd do anything for you," he told her, completely sincere. He'd go to the end of the earth for this girl, do anything to put a smile on her face.
The calm atmosphere between the two was interrupted when Erin was taken in for multitude of tests. Jay couldn't do anything but sit by and wait for her to return to the room. Voight and Olivia had arrived and the three waited in silence as they waited for Erin to get back, both of them anxious to finally see Erin awake.
"Connor said the initial tests came back good," Jay supplied, wanting to break the quiet atmosphere. Plus he wanted to share the good news. It seemed as though they had dodged a bullet when it came to Erin's injury. Despite her falling into a coma, her brain was doing well, better than expected, according to Connor. She was able to follow simple commands and pass the neurological tests Connor had put her through. She was talking more and more and she no longer needed assistance to help her breathe. That restrictive feeling that Jay had in his chest was slowly easing with every test Erin passed with flying color. Now they just had to wait for the results from the X-rays, CT scan and MRI that Erin needed to take.
"That's great news," Olivia replied while Voight opting to remain quiet. Jay knew the Sergeant was just anxious to Erin, not feeling the need to make small talk. He didn't blame the man for that, knowing he'd be the same if he hadn't gotten a chance to see with his own eyes that Erin was alright either. "Best news I've heard all day." Jay smiled at her.
Finally Erin was wheeled back in the room, a bright smile immediately came over her face at seeing the new arrivals. After she was settled, she reached out to them, opening her arms. Olivia was the first to hug Erin, rubbing her back gently. Voight was more careful in doing so, claiming he didn't want to mess with the wires and machines that she was still connected to. She rolled her eyes and hugged him tighter.
"Glad to see you awake kiddo," Voight said gruffly like he was holding back emotion. "You had us scared for a minute there." Olivia was gently rubbing Erin's hand as they sat on the other side of her bed, Jay on the other. He knew he should've given them some privacy but he was having a hard time tearing himself from her side. But the look on Olivia and Voight's faces didn't show that they minded his presence in the room at all. Small progress as far as he was concerned when it came to Voight's opinion of Jay being in Erin's life.
"I'm sorry."
"What are you sorry for?" Voight retorted. "It's not like you chose to get kidnapped." Erin rolled her eyes again, the blunt nature of the older man was welcomed. It made things feel normal for everyone.
"How are you feeling really?"
"Okay," Erin replied to Olivia's question. "I'm still tired despite having slept for hours. I have a small headache but it's nothing like the pounding like before. My thigh hurts a bit but I guess that's just comes with being shot."
"What did the doctor say?"
"That she's doing even better than expected," Jay answered for Erin, not wanting to tire her out even more. She gave him a grateful smile. "The neurological exam was good. She still has to spend a few more days in the hospital so they can keep an eye on her, make sure everything is fine. And she'll probably need physical therapy when she gets discharged but honestly, considering the worst case scenario, she's doing amazing."
"Hmm," Voight grunted, crossing his arms. "I'll feel at ease when we get the results from the brain scans." Jay didn't argue or tried to change Voight's mind, considering he felt the same. While it was great news that Erin seemed to be doing better, he still wanted confirmation from tests—actual proof—that she'll be completely fine. He didn't think he would be able to completely relax until then, if he'd be able to relax even then.
"I heard things are crazy at the station." Jay grimaced inside when Erin brought up the station. He still hadn't told her about him losing his badge and he wasn't sure how to start, knowing Erin would be pissed and he didn't want to stress her out.
Voight gave Jay a quick glance. "Yeah," he replied, keeping the answer short.
"What's going on?"
"Just typical Ivory Tower bullshit," Voight replied, "You know how it goes." Erin wasn't satisfied with the answer and asked for more details. Voight sighed. "We had to go public with case so we could out where you were," Voight explained. "You know how the department is already under heavy eyes so whenever the public's involved, they all get their panties in a twist and want to control everything. So the team is stuck making sure that their reports show that they followed protocols and did everything by the books."
Erin frowned, knowing what it was like to have the Ivory Tower on her back. "You don't have to go?" she asked Jay, realizing that Jay had been by her side the entire time.
Jay avoided her eyes, hoping that she wouldn't ask that dreaded question. He exchanged looks with Voight and Olivia who were just waiting to see how he'd answer. "Um…" he started, not knowing how to. "I don't actually."
"Why not?"
"I kind of gave up my badge." Erin's eyes widened at his answer and she tried to sit up, groaning in pain at the movement. He quickly got up to settle her back down, calming her down. "Erin, it's okay." He repeated, trying to get her to calm down. He didn't want her to hurt herself.
She coughed, getting worked up, and she rubbed her chest, trying to ease the ache she felt there. He tried to help and she finally calmed down. "What happened?" she asked, her voice raspy. "What do you mean you gave up your badge?"
He licked his lips, taking his time to think about what to say. "They wanted me to go down to the Ivory Tower and I didn't." She gave him a pointed look, knowing he wasn't telling her whole story. "I wasn't going to leave your side," he finally answered. "You were unconscious and we didn't know if you were going to be okay or not. I wasn't going down to Ivory Tower then to give some stupid statement about shooting Stan. So I told the Commander that they could have my badge when he threatened to strip me."
"Jay," she rasped, frowning. "You shouldn't have done that."
Jay just shrugged, holding her hand. "I don't regret it," he stated. "I wasn't going to leave your side. You're more important."
"But it's your badge," Erin reasoned, tone still unbelieving. "I don't want you to lose your badge because of me."
He leaned forward, forgetting that Voight and Olivia were in the room. "I don't care about my badge," Jay said, pushing her hair back. "You're the most important person in my life Erin. I was going to be here for you no matter what. They weren't going to keep me from you." Erin reached up to cup his face, thumbing through his stubble. "I'm okay," he said, reassuring her. He could tell by her face that she still felt bad.
Olivia cleared her throat, interrupting the moment and both of them blushed, finally remembering that they weren't alone in the room. Jay could've smacked himself. He wasn't one to let other people see his emotions that easily, Erin really being the only one that brought out that side of him. And he especially didn't want Voight of all people to catch him in that moment. Voight was just looking at them, studying with keen eyes and crossed arms, face unreadable.
"There has to be a way to get your badge back," Erin said, looking over to Voight and Olivia for help. "They have to give him a second chance. It was in the heat of the moment."
"Erin, it's okay," Jay said, not wanting Erin to get worked up again. "I did it by choice. If I get to do it over again, I'll do it over again."
"Jay," she said, glaring at him the best she can. "It's your career. It's not some frivolous thing. How come you're not freaking out more about this?" Jay glanced quickly over at Olivia, the job offer on his mind. He didn't want to tell Erin in front of Voight though, not knowing how the man would react to Jay moving to New York to be with Erin. He wanted to tell her in private, see what Erin thought about it and make their decision together.
"I'll be fine," Jay just replied. She started to protest again, worried about him.
"I'm working on it," Voight's gruff voice interrupted them. Jay's head snapped up, looking at his former boss. The other man didn't elaborate further.
"What do you mean?"
"Like I said, I'm working on it," he repeated, "I'm not making any guarantee but," he shrugged, indicating that there was probably some Voight way involved in getting Jay's badge back.
"Thanks Serg but really you don't have to."
Erin scoffed, glaring at him again. He tried to contain his smile at her expression, knowing it would just piss her off even more. But he couldn't help it. Even with Erin pouting and glaring at him, he couldn't contain his happiness at seeing any of emotions on her face, her being awake and slowing returning back to the fiery spitball she was. "Thank you Hank," she said pointedly.
"Speaking of which, you'll need to show your face at the precinct sometimes Halstead," Voight ordered, stopping Jay from protesting. "I've given you space and left you alone when Erin was still unconscious but now that she's awake, you can tear yourself away from her from an hour." Jay just nodded to stop the conversation, having no intention to actually follow Voight's order.
The phone rang, indicating that it was time for Voight and Olivia to get back. Voight sighed, putting his phone back in his pocket after reading the message that came through. "We got to get back," he said. He stood up, bending over to give Erin a kiss on her forehead. "I'm glad you're awake kid." She smiled at him, understanding his relief that she did come out of the coma unlike Justin. Maybe if they were alone, he'd be more comfortable showing his affection.
"Thanks Hank."
Olivia did the same, hugging Erin tightly. "Good to have you back Erin. I can't wait until you're back on your feet completely." Erin just nodded, just as eager to be out of the hospital too.
Erin turned to Jay after Voight and Olivia left—with a promise that others would definitely make their visits soon—giving him a pointed look. Jay knew he was in trouble whenever Erin gave him that look.
"Jay," she started. "You have to get your badge back. I mean, it's your career. What are you going to do without it?" Jay held her hand, knowing that it was a good time to tell her.
He leaned forward, resting his elbows on her bed. "Well, what do you think about me joining the SVU?" She looked surprised at his question. "Olivia offered me a job."
"She did?" Jay nodded. "What did you tell her?"
"Nothing concrete just yet," he replied. "I wanted to talk it over with you and see what you think? I know we talked about me moving to New York and everything but I don't know. I don't want to push you too fast or feel like I'm crowding into your space, taking the job where you work."
She shook her head, reaching up to touch his face. "Jay, that sounds amazing," she said, smiling. He returned her smile, relieved that she was for the idea. He didn't want to push Erin or made her feel like he was moving things too fast. It was one thing for him to move to New York but he was afraid that she might feel pressured if he took the job at her workplace too. "But," he looked at her apprehensively. "I still want you to fight for your badge back." The look of question was clear on his face. "Otherwise you'd regret it."
"What do you mean?"
"Jay, you're a great detective and you worked so hard to get this far in your career," she started. "Don't let a heat of a moment mistake erase all that."
"Erin," he was going to protest again that it wasn't a mistake but she held up her hand, stopping him.
"You know what I regretted most when I was stripped?" He remained quiet, waiting for her to elaborate. "That I didn't fight hard enough for my badge. I didn't regret what I did to that pedophile and I would've done the same thing again if it meant I could've saved that little boy's life. But I should've fought harder to keep my badge, make them see that I was a damn good cop and I deserve to keep my badge because I was trying to protect the people I took an oath to protect."
He caressed her hand, knowing it was a hard topic for her to talk about. It was a dark moment in both of their lives, both of them were lost without each other.
"I don't want you to have the same regret," she continued. "I'd love it if you moved to New York and the idea of working side by side with you again, it's a dream come true Jay. But I want you to do it on your terms. Don't let some jerk Commander force you out. You earned that badge, you deserve that badge so fight for it." He took in her words, letting them rattle in his head. He knew she had a point and she knew him so well. Despite all his best attempts to deny it, he knew that if he just left without putting up some sort of a fight, he'd regret it like he failed himself. He needed to try and get his badge back or at least try.
"Okay," he conceded, earning a smile from her. "I'll fight." She showed him the dimples that he loved so much and he couldn't stop himself any longer. He stood up and leaned it for a kiss on her lips, missing kissing her so much. He felt like it had been ages since their lips last touched. He felt her smile into the kiss and he pressed closer, their lips moving slowly against each other. He didn't want to push her too much, still minding her injury but he could no longer held back his affections for her. "I love you," he muttered against her lips, pulling back to look at her in the eyes, pushing her hair back.
She smiled, returning his sentiments. "Get some rest," he told her, noticing the tired look she had again. "I'll be here." He reassured her again. He wanted to make sure that she knew that he wasn't leaving her side.
"Okay," she murmured. "But you have to get some rest too. You're looking a little rough there Halstead." He raised his eyebrows.
"Look at me. Are you saying you don't find me hot?" he teased.
"Not with those eye bags on your face," she retorted, laughing. He kissed her again, loving that she was feeling good enough for their usual banter even though she still looked exhausted. He could listen to her laugh forever, it was the most beautiful sound to him and it wiped away all the fatigue and stress he was feeling as long as he could hear her laugh. "I'm serious," she said. "Go home and get some rest."
He shook his head. "I can sleep right here." He pointed to the chair. "Trust me Erin, I'll get more sleep in that chair than I'll get in our bed." She sighed, giving in, too tired to fight with him on the topic any longer. "Get some rest," he said, kissing her forehead and slowly running his thumb on her forehead, trying to lull her into a peaceful sleep.
Erin was woken up by distressed sounds coming from her side. She opened her eyes and found Jay sleeping on the chair, head propped by his arm. He was muttering some incoherent words in his sleep, body moving like he was in distress. He looked like he was in agony, too caught up in whatever he was battling in his sleep.
"Jay," Erin called out, hoping to wake him up from his nightmare but he didn't hear her. "Jay!" she tried as loud as she could but her voice was still too weak. She grunted, slowly sitting up so she can reach him and she shook him gently. "Jay, wake up." She tried again.
Jay suddenly woke up, grabbing Erin's arm that was shaking him awake. His eyes snapped open and he was breathing hard. "Jay?" Her voice finally broke him out of his dream and his eyes landed on her, wide and unblinking.
"Erin," he breathed out, sounding so scared. He stood up from his chair and pressed his lips against her forehead until his lips turned white—like he needed to make sure she was still there.
"Jay, I'm okay," she reassured him, landing her handson his chest—her hand feeling his heart pounding. "I'm here." His lips were still on her forehead, like he couldn't bear to pull away—like she might disappear the second he did. "Jay?" Then suddenly, he dropped his head into the crevice of her neck and her arms went around him immediately. He was shaking and trembling as he buried his face further into her neck. She wanted to take away his pain, her heart hurting at seeing him like this. She shushed comforting sound to his ear. "It's okay babe. I'm okay. I'm here." She kept on repeating those words, hoping that he could hear her. She kissed the shell of his ear and he tightened his hold on her.
Finally he regained control of himself and he pulled back, her arms reluctantly pulling away from him. "I'm sorry," he murmured, rubbing his eyes.
"It's okay," she rested her hand on his chest, wanting to ease his pain. "You just had a nightmare." He sat back down on the chair and he looked so exhausted. She really wished that he'd listen to her and go home and get a proper rest—a much needed one looking at him. "Jay, are you okay?"
He rubbed his face then his head harshly, messing up his hair. "Yeah," he stuttered out. "Just a bad dream." He didn't need to specify, his reaction made it clear that his nightmare was about her. "I can't stop them." She held out her hand, waiting for him to grab it and she brought it to her chest.
"Jay, I'm okay," she reassured him. "You heard what Connor said. My tests, all my scans, were fine. I'm fine. I'm going to be okay." He nodded, taking in her words. She knew that he was still not completely okay. "Come here," she scooted over in her bed, patting the empty space next to her. He looked at her unsure. "It's okay babe."
"I don't want to hurt you."
"You can never hurt me," she reassured him, pulling him up. "I want your arms around me. I need you." She knew she wasn't playing fair, knowing that he'd do anything to make sure she got everything she needed. She did need him close to her, she wanted to quell his fear, protect him from his nightmare. She wanted to be as close as she could be to him, so maybe he'd start believing that she really was feeling alright, that she was going to be fine. He made his way over to her and got in the bed slowly, minding the wires she had on her arms. She sighed contentedly as he leaned back onto the bed and she laid on his chest, his arms coming around her like an armor protecting her from the world. She felt him land a kiss on her head and she smiled, playing idly with his fingers that were resting on her stomach. "Thank you."
He kissed her hair again. "I should be thanking you." She tilted her head so she could see him. "I know you're just doing this more for my benefit. Thank you," he whispered into her hair. She shifted a bit so she can rest her hand on his chest, feeling his heart still beating fast but slowly calming down from the super fast pace it was before. "I'm so happy you're okay." She smiled, stroking her hand on his chest in a soft rhythm, hoping to subdue his fears and ease him back into an easy sleep. She was tired and sleepy but she didn't want to fall back asleep just yet when she knew Jay was still awake. So she just continued her action, softly brushing her hand over and over again until she felt him drift off. She turned her head to the side as best she can, pressing her lips softly on his chest before she followed him into sleep.
"Hey there she is!" She smiled brightly as her team filled the small room one by one, all coming forward to give her a hug.
"Hi there partner," Dodds said, hugging her tightly and kissing her head. "I've missed you." She returned the same, holding Dodd's hands. "It didn't feel right being out there without you."
"How you feeling Lindsay?" Kevin asked, holding up the flower they brought for her. Flowers weren't really her thing but she still appreciated the gesture. She pointed to the empty space on the table as pretty much every other space was filled with more bouquets sent by various people. She seriously could've opened a flower shop with how many bouquets that was in her room. She appreciated the gestures, touched by people's thoughtfulness but if she was being honest, even the most beautiful flower arrangement didn't hold a candle to the Christmas tree Jay had brought her, still standing by the end of her bed so she can see it at all times.
"You gonna be okay?" Erin nodded, patting Kevin's arms. "Good. You had us worried there."
"Sorry," she offered. Kim stepped forward, tears in her eyes. Erin opened up her arms and her best friend flew into them, clutching Erin tightly, openly crying.
"I'm so happy you're okay," Kim sobbed, holding Erin. "I was so worried." Erin patted Kim's back, comforting the younger woman. "You are okay right?" Erin nodded.
"Yeah I've been through so many tests ever since I woke up and everything looks good," Erin replied.
"Good to hear," Fin said, kissing the side of her head. "Can't wait to have you back squirt. We're missing your toughness." Erin chuckled, hugging Fin.
"Jesse and Billie are going to thrilled to hear that you're alright," Amanda said, talking about her two daughters. "They called last night wondering when we're going to be back and you can have your tea party with them."
"Tea party?" Jay asked, a grin on his face. "A princess tea party?"
She gave him a glare, knowing that he was already picturing the image in his head. She didn't need anyone to know that maybe she had pretend tea parties with Amanda's two daughters every so often. She'd never hear the end of it.
"That sounds adorable," Jay teased, the grin still on his face despite Erin's glare.
"Whoa! Looks like there's party going on here!" Will exclaimed as he walked into the room, squeezing by people in the cramped room. "And I wasn't invited?"
"Yet you're here," Jay retorted dryly, earning an eye roll from Will.
"Well, I heard the good news that sleeping beauty was awake so I came for my kiss," Will said, stepping forward to greet Erin. He kissed her forehead and he leaned in, his head to the side. Erin chuckled before pecking his cheek, Will grinning widely while Jay rolled his eyes at his brother's antic.
"Watch it!" Jay warned, trying to look as serious as he could but he was having a hard time, the cheerful atmosphere putting him in a good mood.
"How you doing?" Erin nodded, indicating she was doing fine to Will. "Yeah you're probably getting annoyed answering that question huh?" She just shrugged, causing him to chuckle. "Well you better get used to it because there are a lot of people that are worried about you. You have a lot of people caring about you Erin. Lucky girl." She gazed over at Jay, catching his eyes. She looked around the room, seeing her team and the love that they were showering her with. She truly felt like the luckiest girl in the world, knowing she had her team on her side. She felt Jay's hand on her arm and she intertwined her fingers with his and he beamed at her, looking better than he did the night before. She had Jay, that was all the luck she needed.
It was an uphill battle but she had finally managed to convince Jay to leave the hospital to go to the station and hear Voight out on how to get his badge back. He didn't want to leave her alone so she took the opportunity when Platt showed up to visit her. Finally with Trudy's help—the Sergeant practically shoving Jay out the door saying all she needed was the multiple HBO Channels the hospital had to keep Erin company—she had managed to convince Jay to go, only failing to convince him to go home also. So Jay had kissed her goodbye and left, looking back several times and she promised many times to call him if she needed something.
The desk Sergeant was unusually emotional, apologizing to Erin for falling for Stan's diversion. Erin reassured her that it wasn't her fault, it was no one's except Stan's. Still seeing that side of Platt was strange, even though it wasn't the first time Erin had seen it and she knew she was one of the very few Trudy showed that side of herself to.
Then Kim had shown up, her emotions more in control than the last time she saw her best friend. Platt had left by then, needing to get back to her desk but subtly threatening Kim to take care of Erin or she'd face the wrath of her. Erin chuckled, knowing that Trudy was harmless and she just enjoyed messing with Kim because she always gave her the reactions Trudy wanted.
"How are you doing really?" Kim asked, sitting on the edge of Erin's bed, holding Erin's hand.
"I'm good, honestly." Erin replied. She really was doing better. She was still tired most of the time, she still felt weak but she actually felt okay. Much better than she expected to be, coming out of a coma. Her body was still aching from the fall but she was just thanking her lucky stars that she didn't get much worse injuries, her mind automatically going to the last time she was in the hospital and getting the news that she might never walk again. Somehow by some miracle, she managed to not fuck up her spine even more and Connor reassured her that with physical therapy, she'd be back to her old self. That was all the good news she needed.
"Good," the younger woman smiled. "Do you need anything? You must be bored in that bed. I can go get some trashy magazines? Or a book? Anything you need, just say the word."
"I'm fine Kim. Thank you."
"We were so worried," Kim said, her voice dropping. "It was so scary when we found you missing. Jay completely went crazy and nobody could blame him. We were just working as hard as we could to find you but everywhere we searched, we came up empty. Until Jay finally figured it out."
Erin didn't know that. Jay didn't tell her that he was the one who figured out where she was. "Jay was the one who found out where I was?"
"Yeah," Kim replied. "He was so determined to find you." Erin took the information in. It wasn't as though the information was exactly a surprise, she knew that Jay would have stopped at nothing to find her. He really was her hero.
"My hero," she said, earning a soft laugh from Kim.
"So do you remember anything?"
"Um, I remember being in that house, I remember what happened there and I remember Stan telling me that the house had a gas leak and he was holding up a lighter. After that I don't remember anything."
"That's probably for the best," Kim said, stroking Erin's arm. "The important thing is that you're alright." Erin nodded before her attention was caught by what was playing on the television behind Kim. The television in the room was open, Trudy having left it on some news channel before she left. Erin watched in shock as the footage of her fall played on the screen. She watched in horror as her body landed in a thud on the ground and she watched as Jay appeared on the screen as he ran over to her and shooting Stan until the other man laid on the ground, dead.
"Oh my god," Kim shouted, horrified that Erin just watched herself fall out of the house. "I'm so sorry Erin!" Kim stood up, searching frantically for the remote so she could turn the television off. Erin stopped her, holding her hand and her eyes returned to the screen, the footage of her fall and Jay shooting Stan replayed over and over again on screen.
Erin didn't know how to feel, watching what happened to her and having no recollection of it. She didn't remember falling, she didn't remember the pain as she hit the ground, she didn't remember anything.
"How did they get the footage?" she asked.
"There was security cam on the property next door and they had the footage. Apparently the owner sold the footage to the media," Kim replied. "It's been on the news for the past couple of days."
"What?" Erin was surprised. No one told her.
"I'm sorry," Kim said, not completely sure if she should tell Erin the whole truth. "You shouldn't be hearing about this."
"No," Erin stopped her. "I want to know. It's okay. I can handle it." Kim still looked unsure but Erin wanted to know. Finally Kim sat back down on the bed. "Okay then," Kim sighed, thinking of where to start. "So the case got the public's attention with the press conference and that media attention only grew when the footage was leaked. It's a pretty big story in the news cycle."
"What are they saying?"
"The bad news is that there are idiots out there that hate the police so they take joy in the fact that an officer got hurt," Kim started. "But the good news is that the majority of the people are on your and Jay's side. Seriously, you should read some of the comments on social media."
Erin grimaced. "I'm not sure I want to." She wasn't a big social media person in the first place and her being the subject wasn't going to make her like it any more.
"No really," Kim said, whipping out her phone and scrolling. "They're totally on your side, talking about how brave you were for stopping that house from blowing up. Apparently there are no more confidentiality in the department anymore because the details kept getting leaked to the media." Kim scrolled through her phone and showed it to Erin. "See, here's a person saying how CPD was dumb to let you go."
"How do they know about that?"
"Erin, it's the 21st century," Kim replied, giving Erin a 'duh' look. "All it takes it one quick search. But don't worry. Like I said most people are supportive. Of you and Jay. The overwhelming sentiment is that they'd do the same thing if they were in your shoes and how CPD need more cops like you. Can't say they're wrong."
Erin tried to process all the information that Kim was giving her and she just ended up tiring herself out in the process.
"Sorry, I'm overwhelming you," Kim said, sheepishly putting her phone away. "But don't worry Erin. People are on your side." All Erin could do was nod. "You should probably get some rest. I'll come back to visit you later. Do you need anything?"
"No I'm fine." Erin smiled at Kim. "Thanks Kim." Kim gave Erin a hug and waved her goodbye, leaving Erin to get some more sleep.
Erin jerked awake, feeling someone's eyes on her. She opened her eyes and saw someone standing next to her.
"Easy Detective," she heard the voice. "It's just me."
Erin blinked several times, fighting the drowsiness and tried to see who was in her room. She was surprised to see Commander Crowley standing next to her bed and she wondered what the woman was doing in her room.
"Commander, what are you doing here?"
"How are you Detective?" the woman asked, her demeanor as cold as ever. Erin was confused to say the least. She didn't know what the Commander was here for, knowing for sure it wasn't because she gave a damn about Erin.
"Um, I'm okay," Erin replied. "Can I help you with something?"
"I did come to check up on you," Commander Crowley replied, her arms crossed behind her back. "A detective got hurt working a case in Chicago, protecting the civilian. I'm not heartless like you think I am."
"Okay?" Erin didn't know what to reply. "Thank you."
"There is also another reason for my presence," Commander Crowley said, taking a seat. "I've come to you with an offer."
Erin furrowed her eyebrows, trying to get her head around this conversation, having completely caught off guard by the Commander Crowley's presence. "Okay? What's the offer?"
"I'm here to offer you your job back," the Commander revealed, crossing her arms as she sat on the chair. "What do you say? You ready to return to Chicago and work in Intelligence Unit again?"