Original Publishing Date: 12-06 -19
Author Note:
TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter is about the aftermath of Elizabeth Hamilton's miscarriage. Please, please be careful with this mature drabble if you are sensitive to this kind of thing!
Day Six: Giving/finding comfort
In the first two weeks after her miscarriage, Elizabeth Schuyler found herself hardly able to get out of bed. She would lie for hours upon hours, staring blankly at the walls or the ceiling, her grief rolling over her constantly and drowning her as she barely attempted to gasp for air.
Her Alexander was there for her as much as he could be while taking on full household duties, his resignation from the army semi-permanent to permanent as he focused on tending to their darling children and their home. He was clumsy and had to learn as he went, but he did a fine job, and she longed to tell him that beneath her grief-induced mutism. No matter how badly she wished to talk, to sing to her very-much living and incredible, loving children, she could scarcely make a sound without dissolving into wracked, pained sobs, and she slept most of her days away when she had the reprieve of her insomnia to do so. She was fully convinced that she was the worst mother to ever disgrace the Earth, and no matter how he attempted to understand and bring her reassurance, Alexander had yet to break through what she could not force herself to say.
It came at an unusual time. Alexander was sitting behind her, having perched her in her favorite bedroom chair after having brushed and washed her hair thoroughly. He was beginning to carefully plait her locks when she finally opened her mouth to find her throat less constricted, her lips finally feeling freed of the invisible gag that had kept them clamped for the past sixteen days.
"I am so, so sorry, Alexander," she whispered, voice hoarse and weak as the grief began crushing her yet again. "I…I lo-lost our b-baby…"
"My Betsey, my most precious and treasured Betsey!" Alexander cried out with so much passion and sincerity that it temporarily rattled her from her soul-crushing pain. "You have done no such thing! These things are tragic and unexplainable, and to no fault of your own. I do not want you to think that for a single moment longer! You should never believe these kinds of mistruths, not if you insist so earnestly that I do not do the same with my own self-doubt and self-hatred! Agreed?"
For the first time it what felt like forever, the devastating pressure at the base of her stomach dissipated, and the tears she sobbed out were the kind that felt more like they were washing away her agony than contributing to it. He held onto her as though she were a treasured stuffed animal and he was a weeping child, and she allowed herself to curl into his sincere, tight embrace as they both wept and whispered reassurances mixed with apologies and affectionate affirmations of love. It was now that she found the most incredible, passionate, and pure comfort from the love of her life about something that had plagued her terribly, and that he found the same within her.
"…And you still love me truly? Even if I cannot fully believe that I am not to blame…at least not now?"
"There is not a single doubt in my mind, Betsey." Alexander kissed her head and gently dried her face and eyes, then gave her unfinished braid a gentle stroke. "Now, why don't I finish this, and we go out to see the children and get something delicious for dinner? Anything you like."
A new warmth enveloped her where cold darkness had made its home before, and she smiled lightly for the first time since their tragedy. "A-agreed."