Well, the response to last chapter was... generally positive, and everyone seems impatient for answers. Just be patient, it's alllll going somewhere *waves hands mysteriously*

This is set before last chapters sexytimes. This chapter probably could have gone first for real, but... I was in the mood for Hicretstrid and had a story that needed it soon anyway. And it's been a lot of fun watching the speculation run riot.

-HTTYD-

"You're really serious about this, huh?"

Astrid nodded, trailing a finger back and forth across his chest.

"Yeah. I know you're nervous, but there's a lot of up sides to be had here. And not just cus we both think he's kinda hot."

Hiccup felt his cheeks flush slightly, though he wasn't sure why. Before Astrid, he hadn't even really thought he had a sexuality, let alone a reason to explore what sort of label might fit it. Eret was attractive, if he thought about it objectively, but Hiccup wasn't entirely sure it was strictly sex that inspired the dark simmer in his belly when he thought of the police officer. In a way, he challenged Hiccup, and Hiccup already knew that was sort of his type. Astrid was a challenge, knowing how to push his buttons, willing to draw out Hiccup's darker side while calmly confident she could put him back in his place.

It was refreshing, in a way, the back and forth of toying with Eret. Hiccup wasn't cocky when it came to not getting caught, but he was careful and meticulous and had a girlfriend with a legitimate reason to keep up to date with the latest techniques in forensic science. And Hiccup was a hunter, so playing a little with prey even if he wasn't dead set on killing Eret... it definitely piqued the Night Fury's interests.

"Run those by me again."

"Upsides? I mean, the really obvious one is that if we did, no matter what he found on you, it would never stick. Conflict of interest, wounded ego that we fucked him and didn't call him back. Plus... I've been a main suspect for months now. Eret's professional credibility in general would be shot if anyone found out we'd fucked."

Hiccup nodded. That was a pretty heavy bit of leverage.

"How would we prove that though?"

"Well, the sex selfie is the obvious choice. Would probably have to catch him off guard for that, cus if we do manage to seduce him, he's going to know it's something he can't let anyone find out."

"The what?"

Astrid giggled, nuzzling his cheek.

"I forget sometimes, my sheltered little serial killer. Must be because I've trained you so well it's impossible to think you ever anything other than best sex ever... anyway" Hiccup could only blink in response, but Astrid continued on anyway to save him the trouble of speaking "basically... you know what a selfie is right?"

Hiccup nodded.

"A picture of yourself that you take yourself."

"Right. Well, sex selfie is... imagine we've just finished, lie on your back and face toward me."

He did as he was told, which Astrid was very much accustomed to him doing, and she rolled on to her side with her back to him, holding up her phone as though about to take a photo.

"So, we're naked. I take the photo. Makes it pretty clear what just happened. Sex selfie."

"Right. Ok. I can see that would be quite damning evidence."

"Exactly! Any more questions about my genius plan?"

"Oh, so many."

Astrid rolled on to her front, resting her head on her folded arms and looking up at Hiccup. Gods, she was so beautiful, it caught him off guard sometimes.

"Go on then."

Hiccup averted his eyes, trying to put order into his head. Astrid was pretty set on this crazy idea of hers and it wasn't as if he didn't see her point. But that didn't change how daunting her plan was. It had taken him quite some time before he'd felt comfortable enough to get intimate with her. And now, she expected him to do the same with a virtual stranger? No wonder the idea made him nervous.

But then she reached for his hand and squeezed it reassuringly, and the gleam in her eyes was a mixture of mischief and warmth that reminded him of who she was. She was Astrid. Ever since he met her, she'd been nothing but supportive. He trusted her, in her plan but even more importantly in that she wouldn't push him beyond what he was capable of. With her, he didn't need to be nervous. So he made an effort to think about her plan more seriously and to pin down what exactly is was that really gave him pause.

"Uh. Well, for starters... I've never done anything with anybody but you. How am I meant to know what to... do with him?"

"That's easy enough. I'll order him around, and if you top it's not going to be that different in terms of tab A into slot B for you, and I already know he's happy to bottom from Ruff. I'll do the foreplay for you."

The next point was the altogether more terrifying one.

"I can't... there is no way in heaven, hell or anything in between that I am going to be able to take off my clothes in front of him."

Astrid wrinkled her nose, nodding.

"Yeah, I know. I think... I think it's worth him seeing your scars though. Not all of them!" Astrid hastened to add at Hiccup's undoubtedly horrified look "but maybe just... take off your hoody so he can see your arms. If he's able to seperate you from the Night Fury enough to fuck you, then giving him a glimpse of something like that will only make you seem more human to him. There'd be a conflict of interest, professionally and personally."

The thought of letting anyone but Astrid and his mother see his skin bared was still one that made Hiccup's chest tight with panic.

"I... don't know."

"Hey, hey, look at me" Astrid had shuffled closer, thumb stroking his cheek until he looked right into her eyes "I know. I know that part scares you. But I'd be right there, and it's worth noting that Eret has seen a lot of your handiwork, up close and personal."

Hiccup frowned.

"Meaning?"

"Meaning, I think he'd have that human reaction of oh my gods, who did that to you? but he's also seen many things more graphic than your scars. And I can promise you he wouldn't even ask."

"You don't know that."

Astrid smiled.

"I do. I won't let him. You think he'd argue with me if I gave him my best glare?"

Hiccup couldn't help laughing. Only Astrid...

"You're impossible."

"And that's why you love me."

Chuckling, Hiccup leaned up and kissed her, before they resumed entertaining her mad plan about seducing Eret.

"I don't know if I could... perform if I feel like he's staring at my arms."

Astrid hummed, tapping her fingers against the bed as she thought.

"If you really don't want to, then you don't have to take off your hoody. I know it helps you feel safe. But if it's just about thinking he'll be staring? That's easy enough to remedy. We just make an Eret sandwich."

"Excuse me?"

Giggling, Astrid laid on her back and gestured crudely to accompany her words.

"So, basically, I am lying here. I am a piece of bread. Then Eret's on top of me, so he's looking at me and he is the sandwich filling. And then you're behind him, like another piece of bread. Sandwich. He won't be able to see your arms like that. Plus, we'll be able to see each other, so you won't forget I'm there."

He was reminded again how much he trusted Astrid as she explained everything clearly, made sure he understood and addressed everything that made him nervous. And all the while, she was giggly and happy and adorable, kissing his bare chest when it was in reach before flopping on her back.

"Ok. Not... not right away, but I think I could. If you were there."

Astrid nodded, wrinkling her nose again.

"Ok, so you could. But do you want to? If you're only doing this for me, then we don't do it."

Hiccup chewed his lip, thinking.

"I do want to. I just only want to do it if it's with you too."

Astrid smiled, utterly beautiful as she rolled over and laid her head on his shoulder.

"Like I'd miss that show."

Hiccup crossed his arms, pouting.

"Why do I have to hide?"

"Because you won't leave, and I don't think it'll work if he knews you're here."

It wasn't a jealousy thing but a protective thing for Hiccup, who didn't totally trust Eret alone with Astrid, much as he trusted Astrid could take care of herself. She stretched up and kissed her boyfriend, then playfully shoved him back into her kitchen.

"Wait there. You'll be able to hear anyway, not like this place is soundproof."

Her neighbours occasional complaints about their active sex life bore that out. Winking at Hiccup, Astrid closed the door behind her and ran a hand through her hair. She had it down, was dressed in shorts that made Hiccup's eyes wide and one of the very few tops she had that wasn't a t-shirt from the mens department (they lasted longer and weren't tight on her arms, because apparently women didn't have biceps).

And she'd invited Eret over. Well, Inspector Hunter. In his professional capacity, but still. They'd be alone in her living room, and Astrid had already seen the way his eyes wandered, the way he swallowed heavily when she got too close. He wanted... and Astrid wanted to push his buttons.

Hiccup had kindly provided her with good cause to ask the policeman over, in the form of another letter from the Night Fury. So she had two - one about the kill with the bottles, so the police would realise they'd been chasing intentionally planted leads for the last couple of weeks, and another just to talk about murder in general with some hints that Astrid may be being watched by the Night Fury.

Which she was, frequently. Especially when she took off her clothes. But that wasn't a secret to Astrid, so she wasn't worried.

The knock at the door was short and to the point, Astrid waiting just to be sure Hiccup wasn't about to open the kitchen door and peek. Opening her front door, Eret's eyes went awfully wide as he took her in, Astrid cocking her head just a little and offering him a bright smile.

"Hey there Eret."

"It's Inspector Hunter. Do you have the letters?"

Keeping a sweet smile on her face, Astrid stepped back from the door.

"Come on in."

She could see his internal debate, but desire to get his hands on those letters (and Astrid, she'd bet money on) won out, and he stepped through the door very hesitantly.

"Are you alone?"

"I live alone."

Eret still looked around, but Astrid technically hadn't lied. She didn't say she was by herself, but nobody officially lived with her.

"Have a seat."

"I'll stand."

His voice was a little strained, and when Astrid turned back to face him, she caught Eret's eyes shooting upward several inches from where he'd definitely been checking her out. His eyes landed on her face, attempting to look very professional all of a sudden again.

"You can look. You're not at work now."

"I'm on the clock."

That wasn't a denial he was looking. Astrid counted it as a small victory.

"I won't tell."

Astrid winked, and it was lovely to watch Eret squirm.

"Do you have the letters?"

"Yes."

She didn't move. Eret shuffled from foot to foot, waiting silently. He was the one to finally break the silence.

"Are you going to get them?"

"Not until you sit down. I'm used to getting my own way."

Clearly trying not to roll his eyes, Eret walked stiffly to her sofa and perched down on the very edge, as though he was afraid to crease the cushions. Astrid grinned, sitting next to him and taking pleasure in his attempts to subtly move away from her. She took even more pleasure in cornering him against the arm of the sofa, watching a flush start to creep up his neck.

"Astr- Miss Hofferson."

"Call me Astrid."

"A-Astrid. What are you doing?"

Astrid chewed on possible answers, tongue coming out to wet her lips and Eret's eyes followed the motion before he forced his gaze up to a point just above Astrid's head.

"Well, you had to leave in something of a rush last time we were alone together, and I was very disappointed about that."

He stiffened - and not in the fun way - for a minute, before swallowing thickly.

"What do you want, an apology for me having to go to a murder scene?"

Astrid heard the "that your boyfriend caused" at the end there. Eret finally looked at her again, and there was a whole war going on in his face. He knew what the couple were, a killer and his lover, but Eret seemed almost completely powerless against whatever it was that drew him to them regardless.

Seizing her moment, Astrid leant in closer. She left just an inch or two between them, and waited, seeing just how far he could be pushed. Eret stopped breathing, mouth open. He closed the gap but stopped just short of actually kissing her, scrambling back so quickly he almost fell off the sofa in his haste to stand up. He cleared his throat, looking around.

"The letters."

Astrid nodded, sweet smile masking a little disappointment he hadn't quite gone for it. She got up and crossed over, smirking over her shoulder when she caught Eret watching her bend to retrieve the letters from her desk drawer.

"Hand them over."

She offered him a bemused look instead.

"You're not wearing gloves or holding an evidence bag, are you trying to contaminate evidence right now?"

Increasingly flustered, Eret reached into his pocket and pulled out latex gloves, pulling a smaller bag from his messenger bag once he'd gloved up. Astrid knew it wasn't even proper protocol to have him come and collect the evidence anyway, but she'd insisted she would only hand them over to him. He waited, visibly itching to escape before his resolve shattered completely.

"Astrid. Give me the letters."

"No."

"We can get a court order to compel them."

"Or you could kiss me like you were about to a minute ago, and I'll hand them right over."

His face was such a picture, Astrid wished she'd had a camera to hand.

"I... what?"

"You heard me. I'm waiting."

Eret kept looking around, as though expecting any minute they'd be accosted by someone or she'd reveal it was all a prank. He edged closer, seeming surprisingly small for a guy over half a foot taller than her.

"Are you really gonna make me do this?"

"Make you kiss me? No. I don't need to. You already want to."

He swallowed again, finally losing the battle against his professional facade as he kissed Astrid, definitely breaking the rules when his gloved hand slid up to splay across her lower back. There was no soft, gentle build up with him, forgetting all his self control at once as his mouth clashed with hers, Astrid having to press herself against him to reach - Eret was a few inches taller than Hiccup, and she already had to stand on her tip-toes to kiss him if he didn't lean down.

Eret pulled away with a grunt, shaking his head and taking several steps back, chest rising and falling with rapid breaths.

"You have a boyfriend! One I have no intentions of gaining the ire of."

Astrid tamped down on the urge to tell Eret Hiccup was only a few feet away, fingers still gripping the Night Fury letters in her hand.

"Here."

He took them with shaking hands, shoved them into the evidence bag a litlte roughly. Astrid got to the front door before he did, leaning against it to watch him squirm again.

"What now?"

"About said boyfriend... what if he was into it too?"

Eret''s mouth fell open, but before there was a chance to continue, his phone ruined the moment by ringing loudly. He looked between his chiming pocket and Astrid's face a few times, before pulling off the glove on one hand and reaching to grab his phone.

"Yeah Teeny?"

"Just checking Hofferson hasn't killed you. Got the letters?"

"I have them. I'm just leaving now."

"Alright. See you back here in a few."

"Yeah, bye."

He hung up, giving Astrid a pointed look.

"I need to go."

"Shame. Don't worry, I'll find a reason to get you back here soon. I'll even invite Hiccup."

Eret didn't answer, but Astrid heard his breath hitch and saw his pupils dilate. If she'd placed a hand on his chest, Astrid was certain his heart would be racing. But instead, she stepped away and pulled the door open with her, smirking as she saw Eret make his escape.

She gave him a minute first, just in case, before calling out to Hiccup.

"You can come out now."

He was out in a flash, limping and Astrid winced - she should have given him a chair, forgetting how he'd end up pacing as he waited.

"Well, how did it go?"

"Perfect. Got interrupted a little early by his phone, but... he kissed me, and when I said I'd invite you next time he came over, he suddenly forgot how to speak."

Hiccup snorted, shaking his head.

"Well, I should have known your plan would go to... plan."

"Damn straight. Now come to bed, you need to rest your leg and I need to jump on you."

Laughing, Hiccup let her take his hand to lead him to bed without complaint.

-HTTYD-

Poor Eret, he's ever so torn and confused.