Very Last Gig
(August 10-13, 2017)
25: You Know They've Got a Hell of a Band
Part 1: "Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me"
Perhaps Mammonus acted from some unsuspected lingering spark of kindness left over from the old days, before he and his besties fell from Paradise, or perhaps Mabel's hysterical grief just bothered him. He snapped his fingers, and Mabel's wails were cut off like a drunk with thirty-five cents left in his pocket.
"There," the demon said. "I've stopped time perception for the mortals." That meant that when it restarted, they would be unaware of the interruption. Meanwhile, without technically being frozen, they sort of sagged in place. Mammonus hardly glanced at them. "We won't have a lot of null time before they come for me. Here. Don't lose this." He tossed Love God a tiny red-and-white tin box, labeled "HELLTOIDS MINTS – They're devilishly strong."
Love God tucked it away. "If this goes bad, at least thanks for sparing Ma—"
"Don't go soppy on me. Anyhow, you won't take any heat for Mr. Bratsman. Check with Azrael. He'll confirm Bratsman was due. Acute coronary infarction." He snapped his fingers again, and the body of the fat man disappeared. "There, back where he came from. Once we return from null time, the Security men and EMTs will waste an hour trying to administer CPR. Meanwhile, we can expect a visit from—"
"I think they're here," Love God said. The atmosphere in the cavern had subtly changed. For one thing, it stank of sulfur.
"Oh, my Devil," groaned Mammonus, turning his back toward the new arrivals. "The three B's. Lucky me. Here they come. Go!"
Love God drew himself up. "Deceiver! Murderer! You worthless piece of—"
"What manner of insolence transpires here?" boomed a frightening voice.
"—impiety!" finished Love God. He turned toward the newcomers as though he had not been aware of them. "Who the devil are you?"
Three figures, each as tall as Mammonus and Love God, stood before them. These were full-blown traditional devils—gruesome, pebbly, scarlet skin, curving horns, forked tongues, body armor made of asbestos (they're immune), thatches of coarse black body hair escaping through the chinks, and on their cruel faces, expressions of implacable, unending hateful evil.
"Oh, sorry, distracted, hello," Mammonus said, slapping his hands together and contriving to look frightened. "Introductions, yes. Cupid, allow me to present Belial, Beelzebub, and Be'lith, Princes of the Infernal region—I do beg your pardon, Be'lith prefers to be a Princess. B, B, and B, this is Cupid, also known as Eros, an, pardon my Latin, angelus. To what do I owe the dishonor of this visit?"
"What have you been doing?" Be'lith asked. In place of hair, she had slender, squirming snakes (specifically, they were specimens of what would be named Atractaspis branchi, a species that would be unknown to Earthly herpetologists for two more years).
"My duty," Mammonus said smoothly. "I tempted a man, had him sign a contract, fulfilled it, and collected his debt. Business as usual, sort of thing He should have arrived already."
"He arrived," Beelzebub snarled. "He started spouting complaints as soon as he passed Cerberus!"
"Don't they all?" asked Mammonus.
"That is true," said Belial. "But these were not only furious, but also specific. He said that you failed to provide him with the promised reward before de-souling him."
"He was right!" said Love God hotly. "This—this creature signed a contract promising the victim that he could take the life of an innocent girl in exchange for possession of five humans! He substituted the lives of the group that the victim sought to gain as his slaves!"
"Did not!" Mammonus said indignantly.
"Did too!"
"Did not! He owned the contract for Sev'ral Timez! He just didn't live long enough to exploit them!"
"That's a technicality!"
"Is not, a thousand times!"
"Is too, infinity!"
"Is not, infinity plus—"
"Stop it!" ordered Beelzebub. "Look, you, Cupid, angels cannot lie, correct?"
After a moment of collecting himself, Love God said, "If I could, I'd tell you I could, but I can't tell you that I could because I can't, so you're right. I have to tell the truth. And I say—wait. Mammonus gave Bratsman—he was the victim—"
"We prefer the word 'prey,'" Be'lith corrected primly.
"The prey, then," Love God said. "Mammon here gave the prey the Wand of Destruction. The girl—the sacrifice—stood before him. Mammon had the owner of the boys' contract surrender it to Bratsman, who they, the boys I mean, supposed would spare the girl's life—but Bratsman was going to kill her anyway, and he tried, but—" Love God broke off and turned angrily toward Mammonus. "You tricked him! You knew those five boys would throw themselves in front of her!"
"Oh, come on! How in the heaven could I have known that?" demanded Mammonus. "They did that themselves. I had nothing to do with it! And I did my part. You just said it yourself, I did have the boys' manager turn over their contract to the prey, fulfilling my deal with Bratsman. It was his idea to try to kill her anyway, and his bad luck that he hit the boys and sealed his fate. Here are the papers to prove it." He handed a file of contracts to Be'lith.
"Free will," Love God said, sounding stunned. "Of course you didn't know the boys would sacrifice themselves for a friend. They were human."
Belial said, "Do I understand this? Because of Mammon's handling of the case, not only did the prey die, but five innocents as well?" He burst into laughter. "That's pretty bad!"
"All right, no need for a fair trial here, let's decide this case," Beelzebub said. "Oh, you, angel—take these bodies and those living humans away, please."
"I'll have to miracle it," Love God said.
"Get on with it," said Be'lith.
Love God gazed at his van, which under the force of his regard became a stretched van. The five bodies vanished. Then the living, Tad Strange, both Grunkles, Teek, Mabel, Dipper, and Wendy all disappeared, too. Love God hesitated. "Mind if I wait before starting the engine? I've been part of this, and I want to see how this trial turns out. I want to see Mammon get what he deserves."
"Curiosity is a sin, little angel," leered Beelzebub.
"I'm not curious! Look, it's not for me. When I get back upstairs, I'll have a report to file in triplicate," Love God said with all the dignity he could muster. "You know how it is."
Beelzebub looked surprised, but then he glanced at his two fellow demons, who grinned and nodded. "Very well," he said. "You may wait."
One thing that devils understand is bureaucracy.
The three nobles of hell retreated some distance, briefly studied the papers that Mammon had turned over, and had a quick conversation. Then they all nodded. They returned and said, "Mammon, you committed a vile, reprehensible act of treachery. You did ensnare a sinful creature, and you, perhaps inadvertently, were responsible for the deaths of five innocent ones." He paused for effect and then said, "Well done! Bad for you! No punishment is to be inflicted."
The three magistrates vanished in a burst of yellow smoke that faded to ochre and then dissipated.
"I can't believe it," Cupid said. "We scam—"
Mammonus shushed him: "Sh-sh! Not here. Let's talk about it topside. Room in that thing to give me a lift?"
"Right. Come on. I want to get out of here. But keep the null time until we get everything situated."
That was a tiny bit tricky, but Mammonus had a lot of practice under his belt. Or sash—the red robe had a sash. "All right," he said as they opened the van doors. "I think that's got it."
Love God had gone back to his Earthly appearance. "Better change," he advised. "Or you'll never fit."
"Oh, thanks, I forgot." He became a suave-looking guy in a business suit. "There we go. Sorry, but if I might indulge myself in a little black truth, I was a wee bit nervous about what the B's might do to me if they caught on."
"Buckle up," Love God said.
"Oh, yeah, I'm real afraid of dying in a fiery crash," Mammonus said. "That was sarcasm."
"I would never have thought you capable of it." Love God turned the key in the ignition, the engine fired, and they sped forward over the sandy, featureless plain.
"What's the idea?" Mammonus asked, grabbing for the armrest and sounding a little nervous as the speedometer swiveled past the red mark.
"We can't escape from here until we hit 88 miles per hour," Love God said. "Eighty-five, brace yourself—"
The air outside turned to fire.
"It's been lovely, but you can let go of my arm now, darling," Love God said. "That was sarcasm, too."
With an effort, Mammonus made his fingers unclench. "You're parked," he said. "But a second ago, we were going 88 miles per hour—all right, you got me. How the heaven did you do that?"
"You have to be going 88 miles per hour in one time-reality to enter another one," Love God said. "Well-known fact. What people don't know is that when you arrive, you don't have to be going that fast. You can be all but stopped. It's in the transition, that's when you decelerate."
"But when you arrived in null time, you were going like a bat out of home—"
"Against the advent of a quick getaway," Love God said. "I didn't know what we might find, so I stayed nearly at escape velocity just in case I didn't want to stay—come on, we've got to tidy up."
He had to enlarge the interior of the van even more—it was stretched, but they had quite a crowd to deal with. That was all right. Using standard British fantasy physics, he made the interior larger than the exterior.
They propped up Deep Chris, Chubby Z., Greggy C., Creggy G., and Leggy P. against the side of the van, their bodies sitting on the deck like rag dolls at rest. They carefully set Mabel in front of them, with Tad beside her. Then Wendy, Dipper, and Teek, all in a seated position on the floor. They let both elder Pines twins sit in swivel seats, but they turned them toward the others.
"Do you have the souls?" asked Mammonus.
Love God looked panicky. "Me?"
"The tin of mints?" asked Mammonus.
"Oh. You mean they're in—I didn't know. It's here somewhere, I hope—no, that's my throat spray—I'm sure I had it—ah. Got it. All, uh, five are in—?"
"Yes. Just open it and let them fly."
"But, wait—they're all alike. How will we get the right ones into the right bodies? Ouch! Why did you slap the back of my head?"
"They are clones!"
"Still, one's going to be mad if another one's got his hat!"
"Let them out one at a time. Maybe they've got a homing sense."
Very carefully, Love God freed one golden spark. It hovered in the air for a moment, then plunged straight into Greggy C. "Seems to work," the cherub said, letting the others out. They zipped into the inert bodies.
"Oh, dudes!" Greggy C. said, shaking Chubby Z. "Are you, like, dead?"
"Stop it, bro, I'm aiight," said Chubby Z. "Like, where is our manager, yo?"
They came out of it so fast that Love God had a hard time persuading them that everyone was, in Chubby Z.'s word, aiight. "Don't worry about Mr. Bratsman," he said.
Mammonus, lounging with his arms crossed and leaning against the wall, said, "Oh, Bratsman, you won't see him no more."
"What's wrong with our girl Mabel?" asked Deep Chris.
"She's just sleeping. OK, I'm going to wake everyone up and then explain a few things."
No one was groggy. Everyone assembled, Mabel still bewildered and sniffling, Teek holding her and comforting her, Wendy muttering, "I don't even get to use my axe? Lame!"
"Let me tell you what happened," Love God said. "No, it's too long, I'll summarize. Bratsman made a deal with this guy, who's OK for a demon, to threaten Mabel and get Sev'ral Timez's contract from Mr. Strange. But then Bratsman was going to kill Mabel anyway, but you—all of you young people, you threw yourselves in front of her, and the five boys were zapped by Bratsman, who then suffered a heart attack and died."
Wendy reluctantly sheathed her act. "Deus ex machina endings are weak, man!"
"Diabolus ex machina," murmured Mammonus. Love God shot him a hard glance, and he returned a simpering smile.
"I don't understand any of this," Ford said.
"Yo, L.G., dog, what about that contract? Are we in the employ of a zombie dude, dude?" asked a nervous Deep Chris.
"My colleague will respond to that," Love God said.
Mammonus reached inside his jacket. "Mr. Bratsman signed a simple-form will in the past day or so making me his sole heir. Everything he had is now at my disposal. Mr. Strange, I return the boys' contract to you. That preserves status quo and we need no complicating paperwork."
"Thank you," Tad said, clutching the document. "Thank you for the lives of my boys." He held out his hand.
"You should never shake a demon's hand," Mammonus said, not unkindly. Tad settled for a fist-bump.
"What about Wilmer Gunzell?" asked Stan. "Poor little bas—basket case has had nothin' but hard luck all his life, and he spent like seven years of it workin' for Bratsman. He gets cut loose with nothin' to show for it?"
Ford looked at Tad. "Mr. Strange, couldn't your men use a staff person to help them out?"
"Dig it!" said Creggy G. "He called us men! Yo, are we not men?"
"We totally are!" agreed Greggy C. as he high-fived his brother. "Does anybody else's mouth taste like real strong mint?"
"Mammon, do the right thing," Love God warned.
The demon sighed. "What will you pay Mr. Gunzell, Mr. Strange?"
Tad thought a minute. "I'd say twenty dollars an hour, to start with."
"What's that amount to for a seven-year term?"
Instantly, Stan said, "That's $407,840.00, allowing for one leap year. 'Course you'll have to do withholding for taxes. If he can claim residence in Oregon, our state income tax rate beats California. He's got an Oregon driver's license, so—"
Mammonus snapped his fingers. "Mr. Strange, the sum will appear in your accounts. Sign Mr. Gunzell on as a personal assistant, term seven years. I'll trust you to take care of disbursing the salary to Mr. Gunzell and accounting for the taxes and so forth. Any raises from that amount will be up to you. Good luck, these finances are diabolically beyond me."
"Well," Love God said. "Now we just have to get you boys on stage to perform your farewell set—"
"Oh, man," Deep Chris said. "It's way too late for that. Must be one or two in the morning."
"No, you'll come back at the same time as you left," Love God said.
"Ah. Cyclic quantum time entanglement," Ford said.
"Yeah, all right," Love God agreed. "Everybody outside the van here will be frozen in the same attitude they had when you men were taken. We'll just walk you back and then start time again—"
"Wait, wait, dudes," said Leggy P. "Mabel, girl, you've been through a lot for us. Would you do us the honor of, like, joining us on stage to sing our last song?"
"Oh," Mabel said as her face turned crimson. "I'm not a real singer. Not professionally."
"Go for it, Sweetie!" Stan said.
"But—I don't know the song, and I haven't rehearsed—"
"Mr. Love God, sir," said Deep Chris, "can you give us like an hour of rehearsal time?"
Love God glanced at Mammonus, who rolled his eyes and subtly shook his head. But the cherub said, "Sure thing! Dipper, can you play lead guitar? Mabel, keyboard? I'll get Manfred from Storm Winnings to take the bass. Teek, can you keep a beat on the drums? Wendy, can you, uh—"
"I play a mean tambourine," she said with a grin.
"Then," Love God said, "let's jam!"
Part 2: "Somebody is gonna miss you"
The EMTs had departed with the fat man whom no one knew or, sad to say, cared about.
Almost. Wilmer Gunzell, a little dazed, found himself sitting in the VIP seats with Stanford, Stanley, and Tad Strange. He had just shaken hands to take on a job as Sev'ral Timez's first PA. He had worked for Mr. Bratsman, had waited out his time in prison, and then had come way too close to being involved in something horrible. He knew, objectively, that Bratsman had been an evil, repellent man and was now a dead man.
And yet Bratsman had hired him—admittedly, for a pittance—when no one else would.
It is rather poignant that as Sev'ral Timez took its place on stage for its last number, of all those thousands, Wilmer Gunzell alone thought of Bratsman and murmured, "God rest his soul."
Just as well he didn't know the whole story.
On stage, Deep Chris took the mike. "Yo, my friends, here we stand for the last night of the greatest music festival in this part of Central Oregon! Give it up for Woodstick!"
Everyone was in a great mood. The cheers and applause swelled. "Now, you know me and my brothers are launching out on a whole new career. We hope you'll watch our Webflix show, guys and gals. And even as we retire from life on the road, we have reached a momentous decision—guys, tell everybody!"
The five harmonized: "We're coming back for Woodstick next year!"
The crowd went wild.
"Now, now," said Deep Chris. "Some friends of ours have joined us up here. This is a brand-new song, everybody. We wrote it, Mr. Dipper Pines right here on lead guitar helped us fine-tune it, and Miss Mabel Pines on keyboard, Miss Wendy Corduroy on tambourine, our good friend Manfred Storm taking the bass guitar, and Mr. Teek O'Grady on the drums are all gonna help us play and sing it. This goes out to you, Gravity Falls, with all the love in our hearts. Hit it!"
"Let's go," said Mammonus, and he and Love God vanished discreetly.
But the song, as they say, went on:
MABEL SINGS:
Five whole years ago,
One summer I recall,
A concert tour came to the Falls,
My friends and me went to the show. . . .
But it sold out, we couldn't go,
Though in our hearts we felt the music's calls—
So we snuck in through the backstage door—
And we were standing right before—
A tall hamster cage crammed with more—
Handsome guys with velvet songs—
And I thought Sev'ral Timez belongs
In Gravity Falls, we'll right their wrongs—
But now we'll say, "so long."
So bye, bye, my five lovely guys,
Gonna miss you, like to kiss you, but there's tears in my eyes,
Wish you luck and wish you fame that ahead of you lies,
But this is the time for good-byes.
This is the time for good-byes.
SEV'RAL TIMEZ SINGS:
Mabel, girl, you set us free,
And Creggy G got to kiss a tree!
You had us but you let us go—
You believed in our rock'n'roll,
And it helped to save our immortal soul,
We love you girl, but now we have to close the show.
We love you all, now thanks for the ride,
Thanks for stayin' by our side,
Let's kick off one last song,
And dig it, sing along!
We're happy singers now off the road,
We're layin' down a heavy load,
Now stand up, make your voices strong!
MABEL:
(YELLS) Everybody! Help me sing it!
(SINGS) So bye, bye, our five lovely guys,
Gonna miss you, like to kiss you, but there's tears in my eyes,
Wish you luck and wish you fame that ahead of you lies,
But this is the night for good-byes.
This is the night for good-byes.
SEV'RAL TIMEZ:
Now for five years we've been on the road,
And to our girl Mabel our thanks are owed,
So different than it used to be-
'Cause Bratsman, that old fat man, robbed us blind—
But Multibear, dude, he was so kind,
And showed us how to scrounge and hibernate
Oh, and then we met Tad Strange (Take a bow, Taddy!)
And our comeback at Woodstick he arranged,
The people made us love music more,
So since then we've toured the world,
Seen all the countries' flags unfurled,
And now we've come back to the start,
To say goodbye here in the park,
Before we go, we just love you so—
Go on now singing—
ALL:
Bye, bye, our five lovely guys,
Gonna miss you, like to kiss you, but there's tears in my eyes,
Wish you luck and wish you fame that ahead of you lies,
But this is the night for good-byes.
This is the night for good-byes.
SEV'RAL TIMES:
Let's slow it down, but it's not the blues,
'Cause guys we have some cheerful news—
Friends, we're not going far away—
Next year you'll see us on TV,
Where five young lawyers we will be,
And we'll sing new songs in every episode.
So stay in touch, hang on to see us,
And don't forget our girl who freed us,
The five guys who always sing, girl, just for you—
Not the girl in the next row, but you, our love so true—
It's not forever, but a short goodbye—
One more time let's all start singing—
ALL:
Bye, bye, our five lovely guys,
Gonna miss you, like to kiss you, but there's tears in my eyes,
Wish you luck and wish you fame that ahead of you lies,
But this is the night for good-byes.
This is the night for good-byes.
Part 3: "I can feel the devil walking next to me"
From their lawn chairs way up on the hillside, Mammonus and Love God could hear the music and even the words.
"What is this?" asked Mammonus, holding up a bottle.
"These," said Love God, holding up his own, "as far as I know are the last two bottles of Old Noah's Original Paradise Nectar still on the earth. I saved them for a special occasion."
They savored a sip. "Wicked," Mammonus said approvingly.
"We pulled it off," Love God said. "I can't believe it."
Mammonus took another long drink. "We got away with it. So far. You know, I have to say, that acting you did—you weren't all that bad."
"Thank you," Love God said, savoring the heavenly drink. "And if you'll permit me to say it, your deciding to change the game in Mabel's favor—that was pretty good."
"Here's to a little bad in the best angel."
"And to a little good in the evilest demon."
They clinked. They drank.
"You can call me Mammon," Mammonus said. "Heaven, even call me Mam if you want."
"Thanks, I'll stick to Mammon. You can call me anything. You won't upset me."
"You know, that music—it seems to be making a lot of humans happy."
"Try it some time."
There on the grassy hilltop, angel and demon joined in the last chorus, their voices soft and surprisingly well-matched, light baritone and tenor, the harmony perfect:
Bye, bye, our five lovely guys,
Gonna miss you, like to kiss you, but there's tears in my eyes,
Wish you luck and wish you fame that ahead of you lies,
But this is the night for good-byes.
This is the night for good-byes.
"Not bad," chuckled Love God.
"Pretty good," agreed Mammon.
And then down below in the far darkness of a warm August night, the stage lights went out as small pinpoints of light—lighters, candles, like that—flickered on, and, they say, the standing ovation went on and on and became, like the record.
Music, man. It hath charms, they say. Oh, yeah, it hath charms.
The End