Hey, sorry that this took longer than I said it would - as one anonymous reviewer pointed out. I really wanted it up before Christmas, but my granny was hospitalised the week I planned to finish and upload it. She's fine now, we think, but between that and the general holiday business it threw a rut in writing. I made the chapter long (7500 to make up for it).
Happy New Year
Trigger warning: references to child sexual abuse.
Thursday, January 1st 2019, 1:04 AM
Sonic Sega: Hey, so I hope you got home safe and that you get a good night's sleep. All that stuff. Happy New Year.
(x x x)
I woke up before anyone else in the house the next morning. It wasn't that early, but everyone had been up late the night before. I could hear Rosy breathing from the matress on my bedroom floor.
I got up and pulled on a hoodie and leggings. I slipped on my shoes and tiptoed out the front door, closing it gently behind me.
And I ran.
(x x x)
Thursday, January 1st 2019, 10:07 AM
Sonic Sega: Hey, would you be able to help me out with the history assignment at some point? Hope you're having a good time with your family.
(x x x)
It had been a few weeks since I'd done this. I could tell that I was out of practice - I was already short on breath. But everytime I tried to stop …
Hands. Fingers. Hot breath.
Grabbing my shoulders. Pawing my face. Against my ear.
The sky was blue - too blue. Just like his eyes. It was cold outside. Mom had made me put on an extra jumper before she went out to work. She kissed my forehead and stroked my cheek three times
"This is our secret."
Tears stinging in my eyes. Warm liquid trickling down my legs, and pooling into my socks. I had wet myself. It was all that I could think about. It was easier to make sense of.
He bought me a chocolate bar afterwards. He walked me back to the apartment in silence. He sat on the couch. Earthy smoke filled the room. I changed my clothes in the bathroom, my back pressed against the door because the lock didn't work anymore.
I ran faster.
(x x x)
Thursday, January 1st 2019, 13:54
Blaze Sol: How was last night?
Maria Robotnik: Really good! You and Silver were missed *sadface emoji*
Maria Robotnik: As were you and Knuckles, Tikal!
Tikal Pacha: Angel Town is so boring guys, I wish I was with you guys!
Rouge Mibella: My. Head. Hurts.
Tails Prower: Imagine my surprise.
Rouge Mibella: Hey … don't push my buttons, Miles. I may have been drunk, but I know what I saw …
Tikal Pacha: Wait, what?
Cream Barony: What did you see, Rouge?
Rouge Mibella: Tails? Cosmo? Wanna elaborate for me? *winky face emoji*
Cream Barony: ohhhhh goodness
(x x x)
Faster.
(x x x)
Thursday, January 1st 2019, 17:04 PM
Sonic Sega sent a link: Adorable Chaos Compilation
Sonic Sega: Some wholesome content to get the year started right.
(x x x)
I didn't stop running. My legs were limp, my chest was tight, my forehead was damp with sweat.
"If you tell anyone about this, I will kill your mom."
My stomach was empty, but that didn't matter. I stopped and heaved onto the side of the road, my throat on fire.
(x x x)
Friday, January 2nd 2019, 15:37 PM
Sonic Sega: Hey. I just want you to know that … if you ever want to talk about things, I'm here. I'm kind of worried about you. The girls said they hadn't really heard from you either. But I know you still have family over, maybe you're just busy, that's cool. I just wanted to check up on you. Yeah. Anyway. I miss you Ames. See you soon
(x x x)
I stood there for a few seconds as I caught my breath, my fists balled up by my sides. Time seemed to stand still - there were no cars, no people on the streets. The shops were all closed and every house had the curtains tightly drawn.
The world was quiet here.
He was gone.
I was fine. I was fine.
I straightened up and walked back home.
(x x x)
Rosy and Aunt June went back home two days after the party. Hugs were given, and last minute thank-yous for gifts were exchanged. Abigail began to cry, clutching onto Aunt Ruth's floaty scarf, but she was placated with a sucky sweet and promises of another visit soon. Then they were gone, just as soon as they'd arrived.
Mum was already dressed for work, so she downed the last of her instant coffee before dashing out the door. Abigail went back to her cartoons and her dolls. I skimmed a couple of chapters of Pride and Prejudice, which we were meant to read over the holidays. I'd seen the film before, and usually I really liked English, but I couldn't concentrate.
My phone was resting on the table in front of me. It buzzed every so often - new notifications from group chat messages, or comments on photos I'd been tagged in. I knew that I should mute it all instead of just willfully ignoring it, but I couldn't bring myself to. I wanted to feel like I was a part of things, even though I was currently distancing myself.
I'd been fairly productive in the meantime. I'd done most of my homework. I'd started running again. I'd spent more time with Abigail - who'd considerably warmed up to me again. I had a sneaking suspcion that she'd been unhappy with the amount of time I'd been spending away from her.
The groupchat was buzzing. Maria wanted to have us over for a sleepover before we went back to school. Tikal's birthday was coming up and she was asking us if we wanted to go to the cinema. I hadn't gotten a message from Sonic since yesterday - which was unsurprising really, since I hadn't responded to his last one.
I took a deep breath and went into the groupchat.
Tikal Pacha: So Thursday at 5pm? We can get pizza afterwards?
Cream Barony: Sounds good!
Rouge Mibella: I won't be able to come to the film, but I'll be there for pizza afterwards x
It was two days away. I should probably start getting my act together. Think of a present for Tikal.
"Amy!" Abigail's voice rang out. "I'm hungry!"
I set down my book. There was always Spark Notes.
"What would you like to eat, Abbs?
"Grilled cheese and soup please?"
"Coming right up!"
She snuggled up next to me on the couch. I didn't recognise the show she was watching, which saddened me. I used to know everything about her favourite shows, because I'd sat beside her while they were on. I put my arm around her and squeezed her tight. "Love ya Abbs."
"I know."
"You know?!" I cried, scandalised. I put my hand on my heart and sniffed loudly. "I'm crushed - "
"You're so silly. " she said, rolling her eyes. "I love you too."
She paused. "Do you have to go anywhere later? Or do you have lots of work to do?"
I felt guilt tug away at my heartstrings. "No."
"No?"
"I've nothing planned … except hanging out with my favourite sister!" I teased, poking her in the sides. She let out a shriek.
"I'm your only sister, Amy!"
"Aren't I lucky?" I grinned. "So what do you want to do?"
I left her to write out ideas in wobbly wax crayon and looked down at my phone. I felt able to respond to some messages.
Amy Rose: hey-hey guys!
Maria Robotnik: AMY!
Maria Robotnik: -tackle hugs-
Maria Robotnik: I missed you!
Amy Rose: Sorry, just been busy lately! My cousin was over and I needed to do homework
Rouge Minella: Rosy? An absolute QUEEN
Amy Rose: She loved meeting you guys!
Tails Prower: Amy, settle something for us …
Tikal Pacha: …
Tails Prower: so
Tikal Pacha: Tails no.
Cosmo Birnbaum: Tails YES
Tails Prower: Say you're a girl who has been texting another girl online for months now
Rouge Minella: oooooh
Amy Rose: I'm with you so far.
Tails Prower: maybe, I don't know, you're an outspoken feminist vegan with a love of printed skirts and clunky jewellery, and she's energetic optimistic and athletic who sends you pictures of sunsets on the beach because they 'make her think of you'
Tikal Pacha: ….
Amy Rose: got it
Tails Prower: say that you get along reeeeeeeally well
Amy Rose: -smirk emoji-
Tikal Pacha: I hate you all
Rouge Minella: -wink emoji-
Maria Robotnik: Don't fight it, Tikal!
Tails Prower: and one night you're texting and out of the blue she tells you
Tails Prower: that
Tails Prower: she, in fact, does like girls as welll …
Tails Prower: because she (quote) JUST THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW
Tikal Pacha removed Tails Prower from the group
Rouge Minella: ooooooooooooooooooh
Cosmo Birnbaum: TIKAL!
Tikal Pacha: It'll be you next, Coz.
Rouge Minella: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH
I slipped my phone into my pocket, shaking my head. Abigail and I spent the next twenty minutes watching an episode of her show and acting it out with her dolls. She put on affected voices for all of the characters and gave out to me when I giggled. . I got her to try and explain the premise of the show to me, and she launched into an incredibly long winded description which was seventy percent made-up nouns and I gave up. It was nice to sit there though, not thinking about the past … or Sonic. Whether or not I'd blown things by not responding to his messages.
I didn't set out to ignore him. It just sort of … happened. I'd open my phone to try and and send him a message, my thumb hovering over the screen, but I didn't know what to say. Why oh why did he have to bring up New Year's Eve? Why couldn't we just forget about it? Act like nothing happened?
Which was technically true, I thought bitterly. I hadn't been able to kiss him, in spite of everyone trying to convince me that I should.
"What's next, Abs?" I said brightly, once the credits on the show started rolling.
"Can we bake something?" Abigail asked. Vanilla had brought over some homemade goodies for Christmas and Abigail was obsessed with trying to recreate some of them.
"Sure. Though we might need to get some ingredients …"
We had just enough eggs and sugar, according to the recipe that I found on Pinterest. We were almost out of butter, and we had no flour or decorations. I put on music as I dressed Abigail, the two of us singing and dancing around the place. Before we left I fished some money out of the housekeeping pot while Abigail pulled on her coat and we stepped out. It was still cold out - I couldn't wait for Spring.
Abigail nattered away beside me, skipping every other step. I almost caught myself skipping myself. I was actually really excited to bake with her. We used to make rice krispie cakes back in the old apartment - and even if we'd had the means of making anything a little more ambitious, I did not have the culinary skills for it. But a term's worth of Home Economics classes under Vanilla's tutelage meant that I could probably handle cupcakes.
We walked over to the corner shop and got the couple of things we needed. They didn't have sprinkles, so I made do with a packet of jellies - they did have tubs of icing though. We walked home quickly, eager to get started.
But there were already two people standing outside the house.
"Who's that, Amy?" Abigail asked, tugging my sleeve.
'It's um - it's two of my friends." I said. I raised my hand in a semi-awkward wave.
"Amy!" Maria squealed, bounding over to hug me. The material of her camel-coloured coat tickled my nose, but I was happy to breathe in her vanilla scent. "It's so good to see you!"
"It's good to see you too," I said, pulling away. "But what are you guys doing here?"
"Is this a bad time? Oh - I hope we're not intruding on anything!" Maria bit her lip.
"Don't worry about it, Maria. I dragged her along, Amy, blame me - "
"I wouldn't say dragged - "
"We wanted to see you."
"But why?" I blinked in surprise.
"We missed you!" Maria said, as though it were perfectly obvious. "You're our friend! And we worry about you!"
"About me?"
Why?
"You haven't been responding to messages for a few days." Sonic said. "After the whole New Year's thing …"
"Wait - do you know about that?" I said, turning to Maria. My heart was thumping loudly in my chest.
"Yes." My eyes flickered towards Sonic. Had he been telling everyone? Maria must have seen this because she quickly explained; "I was looking for you, and I asked Elias Acorn where you were … he told me what happened … I'm so sorry, darling." she pulled me in for another hug, wrapping her arms around me and squeezing gently. It was like she was trying to push all of my pieces back together. I returned it gratefully, as best as I could. As I pulled away I caught Sonic's eye.
"Come here, you!" he grinned, swinging his arm around my shoulder and squeezing me quickly. I felt my skin jolt at his touch. Maria cast a knowing smile my way. Abigail regarded us with curiosity.
"Amy!" she said in a stage whisper, as Sonic and I broke apart. "Is that your boyfriend?"
I felt my face go on fire. "Abigail!" I hissed.
"No - we're just really good friends." Sonic said. The word, and the ease at which he said it, was like a soft blow to the stomach, but I smiled. "Yeah." I said smoothly. "These are my friends from school, Abbs."
"So this is the famous Abigail Rose!" Maria exclaimed. She stooped down to meet Abigail's gaze. I saw Abigail take her in - the long blonde tresses, the impeccable makeup, the periwinkle blue coat that looked almost new, the shiny silver jewellery - and knew that we had a winner. "My name's Maria. This is Sonic. We're in Amy's class." she smiled. "How old are you, Abby?"
"I'm seven." Abigail said shyly. "I like your hair."
"I love yours! Oh you're so cute! You never told us she was this cute in person!"
"Are you guys coming to our house?"
"If you don't mind!"
"We're making cupcakes!"
"Sounds like fun," Sonic said innocently. "Doesn't it Maria?"
She ignored the dig at her culinary skills, instead gushing over Abigail's pink coat, and the little cherry-bobbles in her hair, and her shoes, look at how cute and small they are - "
"Want any help with those?" Sonic said, gesturing to the bag at my feet. He didn't wait for a response before swooping down to pick it up and swing it over his shoulder.
"Thanks," I smiled, though my heart was hammering. "Do - do you guys want to come in for a bit? It's really cold. And you walked all this way."
"If you're sure." he said.
My hands shook as I pushed the gate open and unlocked the front door. "We weren't really expecting anyone - Rosy and my aunt have gone - Abigail and I are the only people home - I don't know if we have anything for you guys to eat - do you take sugar with tea? - "
I babbled away for a few more seconds as the door opened before us and we all stepped inside. As Maria and Sonic's feet fell onto the pale carpet, I looked around the room as though seeing it all again for the first time - we'd hung up new curtains, and photos and trinkets along the mantlepiece, and put comfy blankets and patterned cushions on the sofa, but suddenly it seemed as drab and dreary as it had when we first moved in. Abigail's toys were scattered around the carpet, there was a basket filled with clean laundry against the door, and the mug I'd drunk my tea from this morning was still on the coffee table - did they make the house look tidy or more domestic and lived in?
"Sit down!" I said, gesturing at the sofa. "Would you like some tea? Coffee? No - no don't get up! No, of course not, you guys just make yourselves comfortable - I'll be back in a minute.
"Wanna see what I got for Christmas?" I heard Abigail say as I left the room. I ran into the kitchen and switched on the kettle. As it boiled I assessed the damage around the room - the breakfast stuff was still on the table and the counter was in need wipe down. I frantically tidied up the place before making two cups of tea in the cleanest mugs that I could find. My hands shook the entire time. My friends. My friends were here. In my house. Sonic was in my house. Sonic. What did I do? What did people do in situations like this?
I dug out an old tea tray of my granny's and blew away the thin layer of dust that covered it. I set the teas down on top of it, along with a plate of biscuits leftover from Christmas. They were probably a little soft now, I fretted. But what could I do?
I brought the tray back into the living room. Abigail was telling some long complicated story that I didn't think would have made any more sense if I'd been sitting there hearing the whole thing from the start than it did with no context.
"Here you go!" I said, handing them their tea.
"Thanks Amy!" Maria smiled. I didn't dare look at Sonic, in case I dropped it all over him.
"Thanks Amy. And sorry for dropping in like this." he said.
"It's no problem." I muttered, feeling my cheeks flame up again. "Sorry, I didn't have anything else to offer you - "
"Well, you're making cupcakes, right?" Sonic said.
"Yes we are!" Abigail clapped her hands together excitedly.
"We can help you out!"
"You don't have to - "
"I'd love to! I've never baked before! And what with you and Maria to guide me - "
"Stop teasing me, Sonic!' Maria huffed. "Amy, I love you and your house, so I'm going to insist that I sit this one out … "
"You can play with my dolls with me!" Abigail said eagerly, bending down to scoop up an armful of them. "See?"
"Oh that sounds like so much fun!" Maria gasped - she sounded genuinely excited.
"Hey Abbs - I thought that we were baking?"
"We-e-e-ll what I really want to do is just decorate." Abigail said. "You can make them!"
"I can, can I?" I said dryly.
"Hey - I'll help." Sonic said. I looked up at him, to his smiling face …
"That's a great idea, Abigail." Maria said nonchalantly. "I'd like to decorate as well. These two can go and bake …"
That's how Sonic and I ended up alone together in the kitchen. He looked appreciatively around it - I was glad I'd thought to tidy it. He looked at the drawings on the fridge for a while, but what really drew his attention was the mushroom shaped stove.
"The rest of the house is so modern in comparison. But this is really unique. It's cool."
"It's my favourite part of the kitchen," I said, pleased that he liked it too. "We had it lit a lot over Christmas. I sat here in the dark a few times, when everyone else was in bed and the embers were dying … I'd imagine I was a peasant girl from a hundred years ago, knitting in a chair, while a storm raged outside …"
He shivered. "Yeah. Yeah I can get that." he paused. "Probably for the best you weren't one though. You'd get a cold one day and never recover."
"I mean, true."
"The wonders of modern medicine, ladies and gentlemen."
"And you say you're bad at history."
"Well, you said you're bad at Home Economics. Let's see if that was right."
I pulled up the cupcake recipe on my phone and grabbed ingredients from the presses. So began the process of measuring and mixing. It was all easy really, but my hands felt useless with Sonic standing behind me.
"Want me to help?"
"Let's see … if you stir in the vanilla essence I can get the bun cases ready."
"Cool."
It was a relief to get away from him. I didn't have to think about what to say, how to explain myself. I brought the tray back to the table. Sonic opened up a bag of chocolate chips and popped some in his mouth, like a smug.
"There's not going to be any decorations if you eat the ingredients," I said, making to lightly swat his hands away. Our eyes met over the bowl. My breath caught in my throat.
"We want to be able to eat the cupcakes." I finished lamely.
"Noted. You're the boss, Ames."
I felt my cheeks redden at the nickname.
"Does this look right to you?"
I peered at the bowl. "That looks perfect!"
"Yes! First time!" he pumped his fist, grinning like an idiot. The rest of my resolve melted away.
"Have you ever baked before?"
"I used to lick the bowl as a kid."
"Of course." I let out a sigh. "Bet you left it all to Sonia and your mom."
"I'll have you know that Manic actually makes a mean brownie."
"Hmm … I'm sure he does …"
I waited for him to catch on.
"The fucker." Sonic said. "No wonder he never lets us have any."
"Come on," I laughed. "Let's put these in the oven. I promise that I won't make you share with Manic!"
We walked back into the living room. Abigail was sitting on Maria's shoulder, talking wildly while Maria nodded along and braided her hair. "You're so lucky to have a little sister, Amy!" Maria sighed. "I could get used to this. My house is always so quiet. Shadow doesn't have any siblings either."
"You can come over anytime." I said.
"Really?"
"We'd be happy to have you - wouldn't we Abbs?"
She nodded shyly. Maria's smile widened. "I'll have to take you up on that offer!"
"Am I invited too?'
"Girls only." Abigail said. "Boys aren't fun."
"Abigail!" I said. "That's not true!"
"Not fun?" Sonic grumbled. "We'll see about that - "
He hoisted her up from Maria's laugh, eliciting a loud squeal from her. He spun her around the room before tossing her up over his shoulder as she screamed with joy.
"Be careful!" I shouted, but I needn't have worried - he had a firm grip on her, and was taking care of where he stepped even though he was laughing and playing with her.
I watched them for a few more seconds. Maria scooted over on the sofa and whispered in my ear. "He's actually really good with her …"
I could hear the smile in her voice. Sure enough when I glanced over at her her eyebrow was raised, and her eyes were shining with amusement.
"St-o-o-p!" I said. "I still can't believe you brought him here!"
"I didn't!" she protested. "What he said outside was true. It was his idea to come over here. Did you think he was just being nice and trying to protect me?"
"Maybe …"
"It wouldn't be out of character for him, certainly." she admitted. She blinked and her entire expression softened. "He really cares about you, Amy. He was really worried about you - texting me to ask if I'd heard from you and everything."
"What did you tell him?"
"The truth. You seemed a little distance … we were all worried about you, to be honest."
"I'm sorry." I whispered. "I haven't been a great friend to you guys …"
"Don't be ridiculous, Amy." Maria said. "You clearly just needed to get some space for a bit. I completely understand that. Just remember … we're all here for you. You don't have to shut yourself away if you don't want to."
I took her hand in mine and squeezed it gently. I had to turn my head away and blink hard - I knew that if I didn't I'd start crying.
"Amy! Help!"
"You're never going to escape, Princess Abigail!" Sonic bellowed, putting on a deep growl. "Nobody's ever escaped the clutches of the Dread Pirate Jones! Arrr"
"Maria - the princess has been captured!" I cried.
"Arrr, that's right! And with her, the key to the secret magical amulet!"
"Oh no! Whatever shall we do?" Maria cried. "If he gets his dirty hands on that amulet, the kingdom will be plunged into despair!"
"Fear not, dear lady - " I said, jumping up from the sofa. "I shall rescue the princess! Madame Moonlight, you must cast a spell to assist me!"
"Of course!" Maria giggled, momentarily breaking character.
"Arrr! We'll see about that, Lady Rose! Ya won't beat me this time around!"
Abigail squealed with delight. We were all doubled over with laughter as we played out the drama. I had the Dread Pirate at sword-point (or sweeping-brush point), while Madame Moonlight was trying to get past the magical enchantment that had been put over the jail cell that the Princess was locked inside, when I suddenly remembered the cupcakes.
"Aha! You're dead!" I exclaimed, throwing the broom to the ground. I sprinted out of the living room and into the kitchen in the nick of time. They were a little crispy at the top, and one of them had spread across the tray but they were actually fine.
"Hey - they look great!" Sonic said.
"Can we decorate now?" Abigail asked.
"Oh please?" Maria added
"Give them a few minutes." I said. "They need to cool down first, I think."
"If we put them out onto the table and they'll cool quicker." Sonic told us.
"You know your stuff, Sonic." Maria said. "We should swap places - I can do Chemistry, you can do Home Economics."
"I wouldn't dream of tearing you and Amy apart." Sonic replied solemnly. "Who do you take me for? Dread Pirate Jones?"
Abigail giggled. "You are so silly, Sonic!'
"I don't think Amy would mind." Maria said slowly. "You two make a really good team …"
The words themselves were innocent, but her would-be-casual tone and the not-so-subtle smile she shot in my direction said everything. I know that you think you're helping Maria, but this is really stressful please -
Sonic had wandered over to the fridge, his hands twitching inside his pockets. He could never sit still - I'd noticed that about him. He was always tapping a pen or his fingers against the table in class, jiggling his leg, doing little laps around whatever space people were standing around in. Pent up energy. He was examining the pictures and notes stuck up on the fridge.
I looked at the picture he was examining. A chill ran down my spine. I'd thought it had been obscured by Christmas cards and Abigail's spelling tests. But there were those bright blue eyes, staring at me -
"Our secret."
"Is that Abigail's dad?" Sonic asked, his voice soft so that she wouldn't hear us. Not that that was likely - she was telling Maria another loud rambling story about a YouTube video she'd seen.
"Yeah." I said. "Yeah, that's him."
"Be quiet."
"How old was she when …?
"She wasn't. Mum didn't find out until, like, a month after the funeral."
"You'll be sorry."
"So she never knew him?"
"No."
Lucky her. Lucky, lucky Abigail.
"That's rough." Sonic sighed. "Is it hard for her? For you guys?"
We were both aware of Maria, sitting only a few feet away. Orphaned when she was Abigail's height.
A hard lump formed in my throat. "I guess you can't miss what you never really had." I said, trying to keep the tremble out of my voice. "He's just a story to her, you know? Mum doesn't talk about him, but she seems fine. It's been years, you know?"
I didn't tell him about how she held it together at the funeral, and for a few weeks afterwards. Then she found out she was pregnant - again - and about to be a single mother - again. She was still in her twenties. Living in a city far away from her family. She couldn't get out of bed. She couldn't hold down her job at the run-down dive bar where the manager looked down her shirt.
Then she went to hospital.
Then I went to live with my grandparents.
Then she had Abigail.
Then she got better.
And it was too late to ever tell her the truth.
So I learned to bottle things up. Make myself small. Make everything easier for everyone all the time.
"Maybe we shouldn't talk about this right now …" I said, looking over at Abigail and Maria.
"Right. Yeah, sorry." Sonic said. "Decorating?"
"Decorating." I affirmed. "Girls? Are we ready?"
We listened to music when we did it, of Maria's choosing - happy, upbeat songs, featuring a lot of acoustic guitars and female singers with voices like honey. We slathered the cupcakes with the shop-bought icing and covered them in sprinkles and jellies. Sonic and Maria both asked Abigail questions about school and her favourite television shows, in between filling me in on gossip from the party.
"So, there was an interesting development …"
"Oh?"
"We should probably clarify that Rouge is the one who reported this, and that she may or may not have also had two shots of tequila prior -"
Abigail decorated away, in utter innocence.
"Right?"
"But …"
"Did you see the messages in the group chat about it?" Maria asked.
I reached back in my memory. My mouth fell open. "You mean - ?!"
"Apparently a certain Miss Birnbaum and Mr Prower were spotted together when the clock struck twelve.
"It was so obvious!" I cried. "I knew that something was up!"
"With all due respect," Sonic teased. "They weren't exactly subtle."
"Or maybe I just have great intuition." I said, grinning. "This is great. I'm really happy for Cosmo!"
"Let's not celebrate just yet," Maria said. "They're both denying it."
"Of course they are." I groaned.
"Tails won't budge." Sonic sighed. He tossed a jelly into his mouth.
"What did I say about eating ingredients?"
"Oops?" he said. It came out muffled from the sweets. How did he manage to look cute when he was talking with his mouth full?
"You're worse than Abigail," I sighed, trying to sound more annoyed than I was.
'Hey!" Abigail protested. I'd have felt guilty if she hadn't had icing all around her mouth.
"We're nearly done anyway!" Sonic said, once he'd swallowed the sweets. "Can we eat them now?"
I gave in. The cupcakes were good - the sweetness of the icing was nice alongside the understated vanilla flavour of the cake themselves. They were soft and yellow inside. Abigail hummed appreciatively. Sonic's eyes widened in surprised pleasure.
"These are awesome!" he said. "Guess we do make a good team, huh?"
"Maybe we do," I smiled. My heart fluttered
"These are really lovely." Maria agreed. She set her cupcake down on the table and checked her phone. "It's been great seeing you all, but I have to go - Shadow and I are going out for dinner in Knothole."
"Very nice," I said. "Say hi to him for me!"
"I will." she pulled me into another quick hug. "I'm glad you're feeling better. Remember what I said, yeah?"
"Of course."
"It was so nice to meet you, Abigail! See you Sonic!"
"Bye Maria!"
"Hey - you should at least finish your cupcake before you go - "
"No, no - I'll be getting dessert later anyway. Goodbye everyone!"
The front door closed behind her. We sat around in silence for a few seconds. It was getting dark outside. And cold. Sonic saw me shiver.
"How about I get this stove going?" he asked.
I tidied up the kitchen as he fiddled with matches, coal, and firelighters. It was an oddly homey situation, the two of us working alongside each other in this kitchen - the presence of Abigail at the table only added to the strange atmosphere. The absence of music didn't help matters. The clatter of dirty dishes and running water, Abigail's humming, and Sonic's soft sighs and grunts as he got a fire going came together in a domestic orchestra.
"That's better." he said finally, drawing back from the fire. Soon the whole house would be a lot warmer. "Are either of you hungry?"
"We have some pasta …" I said, trying to remember how much was left in the packet. Was it enough for three? We hadn't had a real chance to get more groceries what with all of the visitors over New Year's.
"Hey, don't sweat it." he'd pulled his phone out of his pocket and was tapping away. "Do you guys like pizza?"
"We love pizza!" Abigail cried.
"Thought so," he grinned. "Ames?"
"I don't know how much money my mom left …" I said, biting my lip.
"Hey don't sweat it, it's my treat, okay?"
"What? Sonic, no!"
"I really insist."
"Will you let me pay you back?"
"No. It's cool, my dad sent me money for Christmas. Why not treat ourselves?"
"Please please please can we get pizza, Amy?" Abigail begged, pulling her best baby-chao expression. All wide mournful eyes and trembling lips. Sonic's eyes were on me. I knew that I was defeated.
"You have to promise that you're going to eat most of it yourself." I said to him.
"Awesome," he grinned. "So what do you guys like?"
It didn't take long for the food to arrive. Soon we were all sitting on the sofa, pizza and soda and fries spread out around us. Abigail had commandeered the remote and was scrolling through Netflix, trying to find a film for us to watch.
"You guys have a DVD player, right?" Sonic asked. Ignoring my questioning gaze, he walked into the hall and came back with his rucksack. He pulled out some stuff from inside it - a bag of marshmallows, a big bag of crisps, and a DVD of -
"Beauty and the Beast!" I gasped, forgetting my food for a minute. I hadn't seen it in over a year - I didn't think Abigail had seen it at all.
"It's Sonia's old copy. I dug it out of her bedroom." he said. "You wanna watch?"
"Are you kidding? I's my favourite Disney movie!"
"I know." he grinned. "That's why I brought it!"
I didn't know what to say.
Abigail curled herself up in a ball on one side of the sofa, eating marshmallows, her pizza forgotten. I busied myself with eating it instead while Sonic put on the DVD, not trusting myself to speak.
"You okay?" he whispered as he sat down beside me.
I nodded. He turned back to the television screen as the film began. I couldn't focus on what was happening on screen - I just wanted to look at him, to try and understand what I was feeling …
We started off a respectable distance from each other on the sofa. By the end of the opening number, I was engrossed in the film, the familiarity of it all - I'd watched it a lot when I'd lived with my grandparents …
As the film went on, Abigail began to drift off.
And Sonic and I moved closer and closer together on the sofa.
Gradually at first - I leaned in to hear a comment he'd made. He reached across me to rescue the rest of the marshmallows from the now-sleeping Abigail. And I certainly didn't want to disturb her with my presence now, did I?
Before we knew it, we were side by side on the sofa, our thighs pressed together. He let out a yawn. He stretched out his arms and set one down around the back of the couch, not quite touching me, but close enough that I could have leaned back into it …
That couldn't be comfortable, I thought. What was he doing?
It was the ballroom scene. The romantic swell of the strings, the beautiful dance … we watched it together in silence. We were so close together, I realised. My chest was tight, my skin prickling - we were too close, too close for comfort …
But at the same time, I didn't feel like we were close enough.
"Sonic."
"Yes Ames?"
"Why … did you do all of this?"
I shyly glanced over at his expression. He blinked and turned to face me, his forehead creased. "Did I do something wrong?"
"No!" I said, a little too loudly. Abigail stirred beside me - oh I really didn't want to wake her up, not now! "No, it's just - I guess - I want to know … why you're so nice to me."
"Amy," he said, slowly. Isn't it kind of obvious?"
The grip on my chest - my heart - tightened. My mouth felt so dry - so so dry. I opened my mouth to speak but no sound came out.
There was very little light. I could only make out the outline of his face.
It would be so easy, I thought, to just close my eyes and kiss him now.
To be brave.
To be selfish.
"I really really care about you. You know that, right?"
I nodded. That's why I'd ignored him - tried to push him away. How could I let someone care about me that much when I was such a mess? When there was so much wrong with me? When there was so much about my past that I hadn't told anyone before? Let alone someone like him.
Though there was no one like him.
"I was worried. After New Year's. You didn't respond to my texts or anything, so I thought okay, maybe you need some support in real life."
"I'm sorry about ignoring your messages. I didn't even - I haven't even asked about you, if there's been anything …" I let out a sigh. "You heard from your dad?"
He nodded slowly. "Yeah. Christmas card for the tree of us. And a Facebook friend request."
"Oh. That sounds awkward."
"No, it was awkward when I accepted it and saw …"
He swallowed, blinking hard. I reached out tentatively to touch his arm.
"What did you see?" I asked softly.
"He and his girlfriend. They've had a kid."
"Oh - oh Sonic!"
I cut myself off before I said anything else. I squeezed his arm instead - I'm here for you.
"Yeah …"
"That really sucks, I'm sorry. Are you okay?"
"Yeah. Yeah, I mean - " he straightened up in the seat, his eyes hardening. "I'm fine. He's a dick anyway. I don't know why it threw me, I'm just being stupid - "
"It's not stupid." I said seriously. "That's … a lot."
"Yeah but - it's not like I care about him. Or want him back in our lives or anything - we're like, way better off without him. I feel bad for the kid, really."
"Do you know .- ?"
"About two years old."
I frowned. "He kept it a secret … for two years?"
"Yeah … Yeah, I guess he did."
"Sonic - that's so shit, I'm sorry."
He didn't respond - he was frowning at the television screen. Frustration bubbled up inside me - I wanted to grab him, shake him, kiss him - I needed him to understand that I was here for him.
I grabbed his hands, holding them in mine. "Sonic - Sonic look at me."
He turned his eyes to mine. They were green and guarded. I took a deep breath.
"I get it, Sonic. My dad has another kid with someone else too. So I know that … even though you don't want to care, or even if you know that you're better off with someone like that in your life … It still hurts. Like - he's your dad. He was meant to be there for you. And it must be harder for you - at least I don't really remember my dad. But you were older than me, you'd had a relationship and that's just … I'm really sorry."
He opened his mouth to say something but I wasn't finished.
"You don't deserve that. And he doesn't deserve you. Just - I'm here for you, Sonic. I always will be."
He blinked. "I'm here for you too."
"i know." I whispered. "I know you are. I'm sorry for pretending that I don't know - for ignoring you - I just … I'm not very good at letting people worry about me."
"I know," he said. "But that's not going to stop us. It's not going to stop me."
I stiffened, faltering. I ducked my head, embarrassed, and certain that my expression would give myself away.
"Hey-hey, what's up?" he asked. His finger was at my chin, tilting my head up so that I could meet his eyes. He looked amused.
"Sorry," I said, straightening up. "Just … that was a lot."
"Here - have a marshmallow." he said, passing me the packet. I popped two into my mouth and settled back into my seat. The film was nearly over. It was late - where was mom? I checked my phone and saw that she'd sent me a text an hour ago, saying she'd be out late.
"So - Tails and Cosmo?" I asked lightly.
"Tails and Cosmo." he affirmed. Then he sighed, and shifted in his seat.
"What's up?"
"It's just … dating in the group. Dating friends. I don't know."
"You don't know … what?"
"I just …" he sighed again. "Why risk screwing things up, you know? Why can't things just … stay the way they are?"
He glanced over at me as he said it. I sat in silence for what must have only been a few seconds, but what felt like years.
"Why indeed" I replied, finally. "But hey, we can't control what's in our hearts - right?"
I felt the weight of his gaze on me. The look he was giving me felt significant - felt important - but I didn't know why. The silence went on, but I knew that it wasn't the right time to speak.
"No … but … maybe we can control our actions."
Something sank in my chest. I ignored it. "I guess you're right." I said lightly.
The credits were rolling.
"I should - I should go." Sonic said. His voice sounded kind of strained. He got up to eject the DVD and I quickly turned on the lights. The spell was broken. We avoided each others eyes as I led him to the door.
"Thanks again - for everything." I said, pushing a stand of hair back from my face. "I had a great time."
"No sweat," he replied. "I'll see you soon?"
"Yeah - yeah, I'll see you soon! Um, say hi to your family for me."
"I will."
He was on the other side of the door, standing out in the cool night air. It was getting into the house, making me shiver. But neither of us made to move. He looked like he was struggling to say something.
"So - "
"You're my best friend, Amy." he said loudly, the words leaving his mouth in a sudden burst. His expression was pained. "You're so important to me. I don't - I don't want to lose you."
"You won't." I said.
He looked unconvinced, biting down on his lip. I wanted to say something but I had no idea where I should even begin.
"Well I - I'll see ya."
"See ya." I echoed.
I closed the door behind him and let out a deep sigh.
Fuck.
(x x x)
It was late when she finally came home - after midnight. I'd moved Abigail into my bed, but I couldn't sleep. I was sitting in the living room, half-watching an old episode of Friends, half-scrolling through Instagram and eating the rest of the pizza. My leg was jiggling up and down. I couldn't focus.
The door creaked open. She stepped into the living room and squeaked when she saw me.
"Amy! I didn't think you'd still be up - "
She looked … odd. She wasn't wearing her work clothes, but a plain red dress and her nicest coat. Instead of her comfy work shoes, she was wearing a nicer black pair I didn't recognise. And she was wearing lipstick.
"I couldn't sleep." I said. "Where were you?"
She brushed a strand of hair from her face - a loose tendril hanging from a tidy updo and … was that perfume that I could smell?
"I was … on a date." she whispered.
"What?!" I cried, forgetting about Abigail sleeping in the other room.
"His name's Matthew. I didn't want to tell you girls yet but - I've been seeing him for about two months now. We went out on New Year's." she crossed her arms around herself, looking anxious. "Do you mind?"
"N-no." I said. "Of course not. It's awesome … I think I'm going to bed now."
"Are you - ?"
"I'm kind of tired. I'll talk to you in the morning. Goodnight."
"I love you."
"Love you too."
I smiled so that she wouldn't notice how my hands were shaking. I walked quickly back to my bedroom and curled up under the covers, making myself small and trying to block out the voices in my head.
(x x x)
I woke up before anyone else that morning. I put on a hoodie and leggings.
And I ran.