She slowly walked towards him and looked him in the eyes for a short moment before wrapping her arms around his head and shoulders. He went stiff with shock, but she did not let go. Her warmth, her hands on his back, her lips on the crown of his head made the walls crumble. There was no stopping it, he couldn't even begin to try. His knowledge of how to build the walls had evaporated. Finally, with a quavering sigh, he put his arms around her too, pulling her a little closer.
After a long time, or maybe no time at all, she broke the embrace. She wiped her face on the cuffs of her pyjama that were sticking out of her jumper and leaned against the edge of the Headmistress' desk.
"What I saw in there... It was awful," she said quietly.
The air around him got colder. "Which part?" he asked, scared to death of the answer.
"All of it... in its own way... I'm so sorry your life went like this."
"Do you despise me?"
She shook her head, then said, "While what you did was unspeakable, I get how you came to that point. And afterwards, after... You-Know-Who went to their house... you just ceased to be. You were consumed with what you had done and did everything in your power to right the wrong. But it was very obvious you knew that it was impossible. In fact, you had died the same day Lily did."
Severus sharply took in his breath. But the pain at hearing Mette talk about Lily was not as terrible as he had expected.
However, one fact remained.
"It is unforgivable, isn't it?" he asked quietly.
"Maybe I'm an idiot to think so, but I believe in redemption. And something or someone else does, too. Otherwise, you would not have been given this second chance.
"You have one enemy, though, who will never stop punishing you. I saw it in there and I see it in your eyes now. Severus – you need to forgive yourself. Otherwise you will never escape this cage of self-loathing you have locked yourself into."
"No..." he whispered while he shook his head. "That's the one thing I cannot do. I need to—"
"You need to what? Keep beating yourself up? Keep reminding yourself that you don't deserve anything good? Keep pushing everyone away?"
A dry sob escaped his throat as he nodded. He buried his face in his hands. Mette came to stand by his chair and put a hand on his back, saying, "You need to try and work through all of this. If you keep running away, it will always haunt you, it will never get better. That's the thing with this kind of trauma. The only way out is through.
"I'm pretty sure Xanimus can help you. And I will be there, if you want me to. I can't do much, though, just be your friend."
"I can't have friends," Severus said hoarsely, "I hurt everyone around me. I tried to be a good person, it doesn't work."
"It will this time."
"How can you know this?" he looked up at her, daring her to answer him. But Mette didn't budge at the fire in his eyes. She said, "Because we're not fifteen anymore. And you are conscious of what's going on. And I think you actually want to try and work on yourself."
"I will do something or say something horrible again. I'm just not—"
"Stop it. If anything happens, I will try to not take it too personally. Please, Severus – let's move forward from here. I want to go with you." She stretched out her hand. After a moment's hesitation, he took it. She pulled him up so they stood opposite each other, still holding hands. Mette blinked and let go, then laughed quietly and said, "So, I guess we should write to Xanimus. If you want to?"
He nodded.
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
They put writing the letter off until the afternoon, as they both wanted to get some rest first. Severus felt like he had not slept in weeks. But today, sleep came readily.
When he awoke, he felt an odd sense of calm, as if he had survived being outside in a heavy storm. For the first time since Christmas, he felt safe, actually, truly safe – even though he knew that the next weeks, months, maybe years, would not be easy. But he also knew, finally, that this was what Lily had meant.
He had just showered and put on his clothes when there was a knock on his door. He opened it, smiling at Mette when she entered.
"So," she said, "shall we do this?"
They sat at his desk side by side, composing a letter to Xanimus. To start his letter, Severus used his newly discovered secret weapon – an apology.
"You don't even need me for this," Mette said, laughing, while Severus wrote.
"It's still nice you're here."
She gave a pleased grunt by way of reply.
The two of them went to the owlery to post the letter. Mette stood by one of the glassless windows, gazing at the lake and the mountains. After Severus had attached his letter to one of the school owl's legs, he stood next to her to release the bird. They watched it fly away together. He remembered the embrace. Had it really been only this morning? It felt too long ago.
"Now, we wait for Xanimus' reply," Mette said. "I guess he will only see the letter on Monday. Which means you have a whole day off before the real work starts! What do you want to do?"
Severus had been so preoccupied with the things inside his head for such a long time, the possibility of doing something other than brooding had not occurred to him. A sharp wind that had not yet lost the bite of winter tore at his hair and cloak. It felt good, it made him feel alive.
"We could do something outside," he said
"Like a hike?" Mette asked
"A hike sounds good. Although I don't know any trails."
"We could just start by going around the lake. It's not too far, we'll only be walking a couple of hours. Do you have proper shoes?"
He looked down at the black leather Oxford shoes he was wearing. She followed his gaze and said, "You can't wear these for a hike. And I think it's safe to assume you don't own sneakers, right?"
This earned him his third trip into the Muggle world. Severus had gotten somewhat used to Muggle shops and they quickly found a reasonably priced pair of hiking shoes. Mette thought that they looked "neutral" enough that he could wear them as leisure shoes as well, but he doubted that he would ever use them for anything other than hiking.
Thy agreed to meet for breakfast the next morning and start afterwards.
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
Some teachers, including Claire, were already at the breakfast table. While Claire was giving Severus the cold shoulder, she was all chirps and trills as soon as Mette arrived. Mette handed her something that looked like a couple of colourful glass vials. "Thanks, dear!" Claire said sweetly as she tossed her hair. "It'll go so great with my new necklace, don't you think?"
Severus saw Mette's face undergo a curious transformation. It went from slightly annoyed indifference to sudden recognition, to outright terror.
"Wh— where did you get this?" Mette asked.
"Oh, Kenneth bought it at a little auction a while ago. He had it cut into a teardrop shape for me. Isn't it so pretty?" Claire dangled something in front of Mette's face.
Mette had turned brick red at first, now her face got pallid white and she said between gritted teeth, "Yes, pretty. Excuse me." She came to sit next to Severus, but she just stared in front of her, gnashing her teeth and panting.
"What happened?" he asked quietly.
Mette shook her head and looked like she was going to start crying any second. She breathed a few times and eventually said, "The stone."
"The...? Oh! She has it? How?"
"You heard her, her stupid boyfriend bought it from the auction!" she hissed
Severus felt a pang of guilt. If he had not refused to go to the auction with Mette... anger, mostly at himself, crept up in him. Trying to stay calm, he asked "Can you ask her to lend it to you?"
"It's no use. She had it cut to a different shape. I need the crystal to have two parallel planes. It doesn't anymore. And it's too small now, anyway."
His anger heated like an iron rod in a fire. Clenching his jaw and grabbing the edges of his seat, he tried to think of something to defend himself, to redirect the guilt to Mette. She could have just gone by herself. But he knew that someone without magical powers could not stand a chance at an auction in Knockturn Alley. It was his fault. He had to do everything in his power to not burst out with white-hot fury. He stared at the wood of the table in front of him, focusing on fine light and dark lines.
He had forgotten how exhausting it was to feel guilty everyday. This was what he had wanted to get away from. But numbing it, suppressing it during his weeks with Claire had only increased the violence with which it came out now. The only way out is through. And the path through was the one he had chosen.
Breakfast passed in a sombre mood. He and Mette still started on their hike, although Severus had to try hard not to tell her that he'd rather be alone in the dungeons. The troubled look on Mette's face didn't help matters. But he made his feet move, following her.
They did not speak much while they walked towards the lake. A path led through a gate in the walls that marked the school's boundaries. Once the path had crossed those boundaries, it turned into a narrow track.
They walked in single file for nearly an hour. The track was uneven, full of fallen trees, boulders and protruding roots. Severus soon worked up a sweat. Having to watch where he was going, ducking beneath moss-covered tree trunks and clambering over large rocks distracted him from the carousel of
thoughts turning and turning in his mind. It made the guilt bearable. Mette was just slithering in between a tree and a boulder in front of him when Severus felt compelled to speak.
"I'm sorry I refused to go to the auction with you."
Mette turned around and peered over the rock to look at him. She still looked irritated, but her expression softened.
"I sort of understand," she said. "You were – are – going through some stuff. I mean, I can't pretend that I'm not blaming you at least a little bit. Then again, I could have asked someone else. But for me, it was our project. When you refused, it was like the last confirmation that you wanted nothing to do with me anymore. I was really hurt."
"I will do anything I can to find you another taaffeite."
Mette chuckled humourlessly, saying, "they are few and far between. And all in private hands, as far as I know. It might be years, even decades, before another one comes to light." She sighed and gave him a sad smile. "It is what it is. I'll find another way." She turned back around and kept making her way along the trail. Severus followed her.
After a while, Mette said, "What are the odds of Claire getting that particular stone? I mean, there must have been other jewels in that collection, and much prettier ones, too. Why would her boyfriend get that one?"
"I was wondering that, too," Severus said, relieved they could talk about someone else for a change. "Did you ever mention the taaffeite to her when you told her we were working together?"
"What do you think I am, crazy? And what do you mean, I 'told her we were working together'?"
Severus stopped in his tracks, saying, "She seemed to know all about it. She asked me if we were almost finished that one time at dinner, remember?"
"Yes, I was really surprised you would have told her about it."
"I didn't."
"Neither did I."
A/N: The plot thickens! And Severus has finally made a real friend :) I love all of you who write reviews, they are my life's blood! Until next time, and don't forget to fave and subscribe.