Four weeks later
"Am I an abnormal?" Hange asked.
"Absolutely," Levi muttered into his whiskey. The brunette's eyes widened behind her glasses.
"Oh, really? I am?" She beamed.
"Levi," Erwin said, his voice a warning. Levi merely shrugged.
"Ask a question, get an honest answer." He gazed over the railing to the lower level of the tavern. This place looked like a hunting lodge for people who brought in possum and anemic deer, a dump with a few beers on tap and floors that were never clean enough. Basically, it was the only place that was solidly in their budget when they needed to let off some steam. Beneath them, a crowd of Survey Corps were drinking and carousing. They always had this little ritualistic celebration when they came back with more than 80% of their troops intact. The death rate tended to be lower in the winter. Titans had a harder time moving in snow.
Meanwhile, Levi was sitting up on the second level with all the goddamn adults, playing some idiotic drinking game Hange had devised. The woman sat right across from Levi with a card stuck to her forehead. KING FRITZ was written on the card. Levi didn't quite care enough about the rules to remember them, but Hange had to keep guessing until she figured out from their reactions who or what she was. Or something. Again, stupid.
"Am I any kind of titan?" Hange asked Erwin. The Commander shook his head. "Oh." She pouted at that. "I hoped I was."
Nanaba pushed away from the table and gazed languidly at the ceiling. Mike stood behind her chair, arms crossed over his chest. Levi checked the clock on the wall: nearly eleven. He understood why the brats in their teens and early twenties wanted to stay out this late, but why were the goddamn veterans still here? Wasn't the point of being in your thirties that you could just go home when you wanted and not have sex with anyone? With a sigh, Levi stared into his glass of whiskey. Didn't tend to drink much, since he couldn't get drunk and didn't love the taste. But it was a celebration tonight. They'd only lost three on the last expedition. A good day's work.
Of course, to the families of the fallen, it'd been a very bad day. But if you thought about that too much, you'd go crazier than usual.
The alcohol burned on the way down. Hange kept babbling questions which Nanaba answered rapid fire. Am I a snake? No. Am I an animal? No. Am I any type of walrus, then? N—what? Levi as he let out the heaviest sigh of his life. He closed his eyes and wished for a speedy death.
"You don't seem to be enjoying yourself," Erwin said. The man tried to play innocent, but he couldn't hide the smug smile.
"You seem to be missing my fist in your face," Levi answered. He drank some more.
"Oh! Oh!" Hange bounced in her seat. "Cold, a little scary, powerful… Am I Levi?!"
"Over my dead fucking body," he said.
"No." Nanaba stood and stretched. "I need to find some water. The beer went right to my head."
"Hmm." Mike walked behind her, taking the stairs while nearly glued to her back. Apparently 'water' was the universal signal for 'come fuck me in the bathroom.'
"Have fun," Levi muttered.
"Well." Hange puffed out her cheeks and took a swallow of beer. She screwed up her face as she thought. "I can't be King Fritz…"
"That's it. You won," Erwin said, clinking his glass against her mug. "Congratulations."
"Only took you five hours."
"Levi, how can you be so cold? I did it in under one! Just barely."
Guessing games weren't Hange's strong suit. Her thoughts went all over the place.
"Well, now Mike and Nanaba are screwing the shit out of each other somewhere, why don't you go get us some tea? It's time to soak up the alcohol."
"We're all fine, Levi," Erwin said.
"Really? Your bolo tie's crooked."
"Oh, it is not—oh. Thank you." Erwin cleared his throat as he straightened his clothes and hair. His cheeks had a faint tinge of red. It took a lot to get the Commander drunk, but a lot was what he'd taken tonight. Honestly, Erwin was such a fucking imbecile. Levi was one of the few who'd ever seen the doltish side of the Commander. Beneath the handsome exterior and the commanding presence and the monstrous eyebrows, Erwin Smith also liked tongue twisters, reading about pre-wallian architecture, and old sentimental operettas whose sheet music he tried to hide whenever anyone came into his room unannounced. Frankly, the old man dorkishness of the Commander was one of the reasons Levi liked the guy. They could be two old-yet-young men together.
And they would be together until one or both of them died. Levi had made his peace with it. Peace felt good. Yeah, these last four weeks had been among the most peaceful he'd known in years. There'd been no wondering what Petra felt for him, or wishing he could taste her lips just once. Done it. Understood it. Now he could move on. Erwin and their shared dream was Levi's whole focus now. Thank fuck he'd finally seen sense.
Hange blew a raspberry, then laughed at herself. Well, at least someone thought she was amusing.
"I don't want tea! I want another round of—what are we drinking? Beer? And whiskey. Together in one glass."
Levi was about to tell her how phenomenally stupid that was, when a cheer rippled through the crowd below. Levi and the others turned to watch a small, red-haired figure pass through the crowd like a fish cutting through a stream. Eld went over to the girl and lifted her up, spinning her around as everyone cheered and toasted their glasses in the air.
No need to ask who the little redhead was.
"Petra's first time out of the barracks in weeks," Hange said badly. She looked from Levi to the ceiling and back again. "Uh. That's good for her."
"It is," Erwin said. Levi felt the man gazing at him. Levi ignored him and gazed at the girl in turn.
Petra was wearing a light pink sweater and a wool skirt. Her cheeks were rosy from the cold; he saw it when she lifted her face to the ceiling and laughed. She was very alive and well now. Still needed a couple weeks more rest, but the worst was behind them.
Honestly, Levi had never seen her happier.
"Are you all right?" Erwin asked quietly.
Levi immediately looked away from the girl and downed the rest of his drink. Maybe he should have another.
"Yep," he said.
"Er. I'll, uh, go get some tea. Tea sounds good." Hange's chair scraped the floor as she stood. "I like tea."
"Thank you, Hange." Erwin stared at Levi as the Squad Leader walked away. A second later it was just the two men sitting at the table, both looking into their empty glasses. "I know you don't want me to belabor the point—"
"Don't be-anything it. Just leave it."
"It won't do any good to sit quietly if your soul is not quiet."
"Good news. My soul's not even there. It doesn't need to be quiet."
"Levi."
"It's a fucking joke. You get any more uptight, your shit'll turn to diamonds."
"Thank you for that rather colorful statement."
Erwin stopped talking then, which was good. Levi didn't go in much for talking incessantly about shit that'd already been dealt with. If it was the past, it was the past. No sense dwelling. Erwin had told him that once, after all. Levi found that he didn't even want to search for her in the crowd now. His desire had leached away over the last couple of weeks. Really, hard to believe he'd ever felt anything at all. Maybe all he'd really needed was to bust his cherry, and he'd done that. Petra held no power over him anymore. He could glance over at her without feeling like he was stealing something precious and forbidden. Yeah, he could look without any kind of pain. So he looked, and he saw her talking to some tall, sort of handsome young man. Petra laughed, tilting her chin up and giggling helplessly at something the boy had said. He looked excited as he spoke with her, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet. Fuck, he was tall. Maybe too tall. Guys could be freakishly tall, and women didn't like that usually. Men who were too tall were kind of freakish.
And he wasn't all that handsome, now Levi took a good look. Face like a horse. Probably had a voice still rough with adolescence. Petra was too mature for that.
Petra leaned forward with her laugher and gently placed her hand on the boy's arm.
"Levi."
"What?" Levi snapped. Erwin watched him with a weary, wary look. "Just checking out the new recruits. That young guy with the longish hair. Is he new? Looks kind of green."
"Good of you to assess the fitness of our newest additions, but why do it in a bar?"
"I'm assessing how much more time I want to spend doing this childish drinking shit. Turns out I can handle about thirty more seconds." Levi waited exactly twelve more seconds, then stood up and swung into his trench coat. "See you back at the barracks."
"Levi."
"Erwin. Good, we still know each other's names. Tch." He swept past the table and down the stairs, blood burning in his ears. He really didn't want to get involved. He just wanted to walk by and see what they were talking about. After all, maybe they were related. Or maybe he wasn't into women, and they were discussing some young man he might like to ask on a date. Great idea. Really nice. Wouldn't it be just like Petra to help?
Levi pretended to be staring at his shoes as he neatly shoved through the crowd and ended up right behind Petra.
"Ah. Sorry, Ral," he said, nearly bumping against her back. For one brief second, he smelled the lilac of her soap. The nice stuff she'd received as a present from the king. She saves hundreds of lives, gets paid in soap. Some might've thought it insulting, but to Levi it seemed like the highest of compliments. And she smelled so damn good…
Don't become Mike, for fuck's sake.
"Oh! Hello, Captain." Petra beamed at him, her smile pure sunshine. Utterly back to normal. Good. That was good. "It's all right. Yuri and I were just talking."
"Well, I'm mostly laughing. She's so funny." Yuri beamed at Petra.
Stop trying to get into her pants, you asshole. Don't you know what she's been through?
"Captain?" Petra asked. Shit maybe he was glowering. Ah, but that was normal for him. Yuri stared at him blankly, then saluted.
"Pleasure to meet you, sir," he said.
"Sure. Nice to meet you." Levi looked at Petra. She looked at him. Her delicate brow furrowed. Fuck, she was probably wondering what was wrong with him. He needed to say something. Something clever. Funny. Charming. Just to show her he wasn't sore or weird about anything.
"Where's the toilet?" he asked. He managed to stop himself before uttering 'because I could shit for days.' Good job for him.
"Oh. On the right." Petra pointed off to the side of the tavern. "Having a good night, sir?"
"Yep. You having fun? Sure you feel all right?"
Petra beamed again. "Oh, yes. I couldn't stay cooped up anymore. I can't wait to start running field exercises again in a couple of weeks."
"I told Petra she'll be the best out there." Yuri grinned at her.
Fuck you.
"Sure. It'll be rough, though. You've been inactive too long. Have to strengthen you up."
"Yes, I'm sure Miss Hange will have me running laps." Petra laughed.
Right. Hange. Petra wasn't his to instruct any longer. Levi decided he needed to go splash some water on his face and wake up.
"Sure she will. Well." There was no way to stay any longer without making this awkward. Petra was being sweet to him, but her body language indicated she wanted to keep talking with Yuri. "Have fun."
"Thank you, sir." Petra beamed again. Beaming always. Sunbeams and rainbows and firelight, that's what this girl was. Levi wondered if he could go to sleep and just stay under for a few days.
Levi walked away, pushing through the crowd and ignoring everyone who spoke to him. He cast a final glance back at Petra and Yuri. She was on her toes, one hand on his shoulder, and he was whispering something in her ear. She giggled. Levi could tell from his expression that Yuri liked being that close to her.
He wandered off with his head down. Didn't even notice Eld dancing with his girl, arms wrapped around her waist, face nestled against hers. All right, he noticed it a little. Fuck everyone. Why was it so damn hot in here? Levi had to sidle through a clump of people on his way to the bathroom door.
"She's an angel," someone said. Levi looked up and found Moblit hanging off of Oruo. The executive officer was drunk off his ass, his boyish face flushed as he whispered harshly into Oruo's ear. From the other man's face, Levi got the impression Moblit's breath was rank with alcohol. Guy would be sweating whiskey for days. "A lithe, brunette angel. So many, hic, guys, they say she's plain. Plain. What do they know? She's got those, ah, those big brown eyes. So magnify, er, magnified with her glasses. That smile. That laugh. The way she nearly puts her head into titans' mouths like a fucking crazy person." Moblit squeezed Oruo tight.
"Get off," Oruo grunted, but Moblit appeared to start humping his leg.
"Han-ge. Such a beautiful name. At first I thought she scared me. And she does. But my feelings, they square, they scare me mos' of all. So what if she's older? I'm still more mature. She's like a cross between a, er, a nymph and a hyperactive two year old dog. Haaannnngggeeee. I wanna marry yooooou. An' then we will have beautiful babies, Oruo. And I will make them a house. And give her a thing to look at germs. Microsc—something. And then maybe she won't drag me outside the walls anymore and I can stop drinking so much."
"I'm going to kill you, Moblit."
"Mr. and Mrs. Hange Zoe."
Levi got the hell out of there when Moblit started crying.
"Fuck this world," he grumbled, frowning to find a chair in front of the bathroom door. He shoved it aside and opened up.
Inside was a single toilet, a sink, and a mirror. Levi could not see the toilet, because Mike was blocking it. His pants were around his ankles. Meanwhile, Nanaba was seated on the sink with her skirt up. Her arms were wrapped tight around Mike's neck, and she clung to him for dear life as he thrust deep inside of her.
"Yes Daddy, yes Daddy, yes Daddy," she chanted breathlessly over and over. Mike had his face buried against her neck.
"Ugh, you smell so fucking good," he moaned.
Levi made some kind of noise, unable to look away. Mike stopped thrusting. He and Nanaba gazed nonchalantly at Levi.
"Care to join?" Nanaba asked.
"Don't," Mike said.
Levi slammed the door shut and walked away.
"Why is everyone so fucking horny?" he muttered as he exited the building, his breath clouding in the cold winter air.
"Well, the Survey Corps is often pitched directly on the line separating life and death. Such proximity to our demise often inspires feelings of carpe diem. To seize the day. Since it's unlikely many of us will live to sire families, the pleasures of the flesh offer a temporary respite. And who better to understand our particular struggle with mortality than one of our own?" Erwin said, standing alongside him.
"That was a question I didn't need an answer to," Levi said. He glowered. He walked away, his boots crunching in the snow.
"Rhetorical," Erwin said, walking alongside.
"What'd you call me?"
"It's a rhetorical question. You see, rhetoric is—"
"If you keep telling me about this, I'll bury you in snow up to your ass."
That shut the Commander up. They walked in silence for a while. Far away, the bells tolled midnight. They stuck to the sidewalks, trudging in and out of the fevered glow of the lanterns. The wind was bitter tonight, and Levi was glad of his scarf. He blew into his hands and shoved them into his pockets, glancing at the candlelit windows on either side of him. Mostly, he waited for Erwin to start talking again. He could feel it was coming.
Instead, to his surprise, the Commander began to…sing.
"Oh, I am a simple farmer and I till and tithe and toil." Erwin was definitely drunk now; he was singing from one of those lame operettas. What was this, The Milkman's Lament or some shit? Erwin took a deep breath, and his rich baritone vibrated as he sang: "With my spade and plough and oxen I do battle with the soil."
"Erwin. Fuck. How drunk are you?"
The big man wove a bit, nearly staggering into a frozen puddle. For fuck's sake.
"If a woman I would wed and bed you know she must be graaaand."
"I don't know him," Levi muttered to a passing stray cat. It blinked in reply.
"For I am a simple farmer and my lady is my laaaaand."
"Shut up!" someone yelled in the distance. A dog barked.
"Put it up your ass," Levi called in reply. No one got to tell Erwin Smith to shut up except him. Levi nudged the brilliant jackass in his ribs. "I don't know when you decided to join the Royal Opera, but your voice is shit. Knock it off."
Erwin sniffed from the cold. "Ah, sorry, Levi. I can't remember the last time I had four whiskeys in a night."
Again, he staggered. Again, Levi had to catch him and hang onto him by the edge of his coat. Fuck this. Levi took to leading the Commander forward like someone dragging his troublesome dog around. Least Erwin didn't piss in the snow. Yet.
"You drunk is more embarrassing than Hange drunk. At least people expect her to be insane."
"Ah, Levi. If I can't loosen up once in a while with you, who can I be myself with?"
Well. Fair point. Levi let go of the big idiot's coat and they continued their frosty journey. Levi's mind wandered back to the tavern. It was warm there. Maybe he'd been too hasty running away. Right now, they'd all be huddled together on the floor, maybe dancing to some music. Petra twined in Yuri's arms. Him breathing down her neck as he whispered something idiotic into her ear.
There isn't anyone for me. But there will be for you.
He'd meant it. He had. He didn't want Petra to be alone and unhappy. She wasn't made for it, not like him. But maybe it hurt his pride just a little that she'd moved on from him within two weeks. First couple of weeks after they returned, she'd looked pale and wan when he saw her in the mess. She was in there rarely, of course. Mostly she had to stay confined to her bed. The paleness was probably from being weak, but some part of it had satisfied him. Maybe there was some part of him that liked the idea that if he walked right up to her there and asked her to come back, she'd leap into his arms without hesitation.
But soon after that, she'd brightened again. Started meeting his eyes, talking pleasantly. Laughing. Flirting.
If he was the damn love of her damn life, shouldn't she hurt a little while longer? Well, wasn't that good? Showed she was fickle. Showed his love had been deeper than hers. Clearly she'd been wrong for him, too young and too careless. Yeah. This was okay.
"Levi. I'd like you to talk to me," Erwin said.
"About what? Your singing? I already said it's shit."
"Levi."
"I'm fine. I'm cold. It's winter, in case you didn't notice."
Silence. The crunch of their footsteps. The cloud of Erwin's breath.
"When I said to make a choice with no regrets—"
"Erwin—"
"Listen. It's an order." Funny how Erwin sounded far less drunk all of a sudden. "When I said that, I meant it. But no human being can live with absolutely no regrets at all. Without regret, we don't learn. Without learning, we stay as we are. I don't want you to remain frozen in time, Levi. Our mission requires dynamism, and not just physically."
"I already learned. I'm not supposed to have a life like that." He looked at a house window, all lit up. Inside he saw a dinner table set for four. A family. "This is where I belong. With you."
"And miserable?"
"Fuck makes you think that?"
"I know you."
"Fuck off."
"It is possible to learn the wrong lesson."
"Sure it is. But not this time." Levi started to walk faster. "I'm cold. I don't want to slow down. See you at the barracks."
But Erwin kept pace with him. Of course he did. The man had longass legs.
"It's true that Survey Corps members do not often marry, or have families. We typically don't engage in committed relationships because of what we do, and all its perils. But there are exceptions to every rule, outliers to every group."
"Are you telling me I'm wrong not to fuck my subordinate?"
"I'm merely saying that you are an atypical man in nearly all respects, and as such you do not have to live your life according to the standards set around you."
"I spent my whole goddamn life looking for something worthwhile to do." Maybe the whiskey had had some effect on him; Levi was getting dizzy, though it might've been with rage. "Sometimes I think you think I'm a lot more of a rebel than I am."
Levi often thumbed his nose at authority, but only because he perceived it as the wrong authority. Given the correct world, the correct leader, he would be the most insufferable enforcer of the rules. Well, not completely—Levi would always put people's problems before some bureaucrat's list. But he wanted a world that was right. He'd pay any price to get it. Any. No beautiful amber eyes could take him from that goal.
"Love is not a rebellion."
"Sounds pretty. I'm sure that'd look great on an embroidered pillow or something. Doesn't make it true. How many of those fucking plays have you told me about where two people fall in love and the world turns to shit because of it? Tch. Better sober up."
"You are hardly a Romeo, Levi. Certainly not a Tristan."
"Gee, thanks."
"You are a man, not a boy. I'm not speaking of age. I trust your ability to regulate your life implicitly."
"I don't get why you're talking to me about this. I don't get what you want." A headache was starting. He wanted to kick something. "You got dumped because you wanted to go into the Corps. Women can't handle this being a man's life, not when they're emotionally involved. You did the right thing and moved on."
"But I didn't," Erwin said softly.
"Huh?"
"Marie did not leave me because of my career choice. She would have been perfectly content to marry me, though I'm not certain how content she'd have been to watch me ride away to possible death every month. That was one of the reasons why I left her. I told her to marry Nile; she never chose him over me. I made the choice."
Levi stopped walking. Something about this new information clicked into place differently. It inspired some emotion that was darker, and more complicated. He didn't like that.
Erwin had not been told. He had given the orders instead.
"Yeah. But that just shows how fucking smart you are. You knew a wife and family would be too much for you to worry about."
"I did."
"So that's the right choice."
"It was right for me. It doesn't have to be right for everyone."
"Okay, you're getting real soppy and wishy washy. I hate it. Sober up." Levi trudged on ahead, and heard Erwin walking behind him.
"You aren't me, Levi."
"No shit. Thank god. One of you's exhausting enough."
"Even at the height of my sadness over Marie, I didn't dwell on the pain. It was like an object I took out to look at each night before going to bed. But I've seen you these past weeks."
"Yeah, I've been whipping the newer trainees into shape and doing my job. That's what you want me to do. I did just fine on the last expedition."
"Yes. You were flawless."
"That's what we need, not me busting a nut every night."
"Are you certain the two are mutually exclusive?"
"You want me to go over everything that happened in Mitras again? Nile's got the whole thing on record." Nile, the cuckolded son of a bitch. Wonder if he knew he'd placed second in a two man race. He'd won his wife on a technicality. Heh. That cheered Levi a little.
"I'm tired of discussing that with you."
"Same. So shut up."
"Stop, Captain."
It was an order. Levi immediately halted, inwardly cursing. Erwin strode over and stood before him. The man's blue eyes burned like fire in the lamplight. His unsmiling mouth looked as though it'd been sculpted from marble. Everything about him was powerful, and unyielding.
"You do everything that's asked of you, but I see you hurting."
"I'm not."
"Don't treat me like an imbecile."
"It's fine. I get my work done. You can't ask anything else from me."
"No, I can't. But I can worry about long term sustainability. I care about your use next year, Levi, and the one after that." There was some kind of dark, almost bitter expression in Erwin's eyes. "My sole concern is and always has been moving humanity forward. I don't care about your heart, Levi, or Petra's. At least, I don't care about them enough to be self-sacrificing. Rather, I care about maintaining the integrity of this operation. This war will not end anytime soon. I don't need to see you shutting down and growing weary with inner turmoil."
"I don't have any—"
"Don't insult me."
Fine. Maybe the denial was a little insulting. But it felt like his only current defense.
"I'll get past it. She did."
Erwin said nothing to that. He only watched Levi, as if studying him for some revealing facial tic, a readable thought to flicker across his face. Levi made sure to give him heavy-lidded sullenness. The usual.
"And if you don't?"
"You can put me out to pasture with all the other useless fucking cows."
"Levi, can't you see it's too late?"
For what? Did he mean it was time to go to pasture, or was he talking about the actual time? Levi was too annoyed to ask.
"You said you won't be compromised by your feelings any longer," Erwin murmured.
"Yeah."
"You are compromised. I know you; you can't go back. You could put her behind you if she died, because her death would spur you on. Give you purpose. But while she lives, her presence will only twist its knife. I don't want that for you."
"I'm not going to be with her even if she went to work in the medical unit and stayed behind the walls. Even if she wanted me, I can't. She doesn't want me anyway; she's got that new kid with the long hair—look why the fuck am I talking to you about this? You think you have a right, Erwin? You may be the Commander, but you are one useless pain in the ass with all this love shit. I don't want to stand here freezing my ass off while you turn us into a couple of sobbing girls sharing our fucking feelings."
"That's not my intention."
"Good. Then shut up and walk. My knees are numb." Levi hurried down the street and around the corner. Up a hundred yards ahead or so, he saw the barracks. Fucking finally. With a contented sigh, Levi walked over and knocked loudly on the door. Place tended to be locked after ten at night. The door unlocked, and Gelgar let them in. He'd been one of the unlucky few to pull patrol duty tonight. Gelgar sniffed at them and scowled at the floor as they passed by. The guy loved liquor better than anyone else in the Corps. Poor bastard. What a night to be on guard duty.
"Good evening, sirs," he said.
"Hmm." Levi shouldered past. He walked down the hallway, thawing out as he heard Erwin trudging along behind him. Unnerving sound, the big man's boots on the floorboards. Levi stopped outside his room, letting Erwin pass. The Commander walked a few more steps, then stopped. Without turning, he spoke.
"You would have given in to Sofia for anyone's life."
Levi was too fucking tired to argue right now. "Huh?"
"When Sofia threatened Petra's life to procure your cooperation, you blamed your feelings for her. You said that's why you didn't kill Sofia and her thugs where they stood. But I believe if it had been Oruo, or Gunther, or Eld, or Hange or me or anyone else, from Mike to the rookies… If it had been them in danger, a blade to their throats, their survival contingent upon your cooperation, you'd have made the same choice."
"Sometimes soldiers die. It's part of the job."
"But I have never seen you just let someone sacrifice themselves. You fight to save them until the last possible second. You would do the same for any of us as you did for her."
"It's different."
"Yes. Petra's death would have had a more painful effect upon you than, say, Oruo's would." Fucking understatement. "But you would have worked to save him. Because that is how you are."
"Is there a point to this?" he growled.
"If you blame the girl or your own emotions for what happened in Mitras, then you are not being fully honest with yourself, Levi. And I never knew you to be a liar before."
"I don't think you of all people get to talk about lying."
It was a surprise to both men; Levi felt Erwin's shock. He certainly felt his own. Levi cleared his throat.
"Eh, sorry. Drinking makes me angry."
"Yes. Not drinking has the same effect," Erwin said wryly. "I don't imagine this is the best time to go over casualty reports. Tomorrow after dinner, come to my room and we'll talk. It shouldn't take long."
"Yeah. Okay."
"Thank you."
With that, Erwin left. Levi's heart was beating fast, his formerly frozen cheeks now hot to the touch. Erwin had been wrong about the lying thing. Obviously he was wrong. It couldn't be true. Levi entered his room and closed the door hard, locking it behind him.
Finally alone and quiet, Levi breathed out. He pressed his back against the door and closed his eyes. He loved being alone. Needed it. Even Erwin and Petra could wear on him after too long. Levi needed a place of his own, where he could sit with himself and his thoughts and do anything he liked. Push ups, planning, writing letters, didn't matter. It calmed him.
When he was alone, no one could hurt him. Quiet had always been his favorite sound as a child.
Well. Quiet wasn't really a sound, but…fuck it.
Levi took off his coat and boots and put them away. He unwound his scarf and hung it up on a wall tack. Then he sat on his bed, listening to the slow, groaning creak of the springs. He imagined for one second the sound the bed would make with two on it—
Stop.
So he stopped. Levi sat in his chamber and listened as voices shouted through the halls, as doors slammed as the Corps returned from the tavern. For a half hour or so it was chaos outside as everyone performed their evening rituals. Then, once the majority of them had filed into the long main barracks hall, it was quiet once more.
Levi did not sleep. He only sat and waited.
Midnight to two in the morning had always been Levi's least favorite time of the night. It was so far until dawn, and he could almost feel everyone dropping into unconsciousness around him. It was like sitting on a desert island, watching lifeboats row away and into the distance, leaving him alone.
He hadn't been able to sleep since the day they'd set off for Trost. Since he'd told Petra they could no longer be together. He'd slept so well in her arms. The feel of her body against his in the dark had soothed him. Their chests pressed together, he'd felt the gentle beat of her heart. That rhythm had lulled him, taken him away. The nightmares hadn't been as visceral when she slept with him.
Levi usually tried sleeping, but he'd always jerk awake after a couple of hours. The nightmares had fangs once more, and lolling titans' eyes. And he kept seeing Petra mashed into a red paste on the ground.
"You have to cut this shit out. It can't matter," he whispered. There was no reply. Well, of course there wasn't. The reply had to come from him, and he was shit out of words.
Fine. No sleep. Just work. Levi went to sit behind his cramped little desk and start filling out the damn paperwork on the three dead soldiers. He always hated this part. As Humanity's Strongest, it seemed to give the families of the dead an extra bit of comfort to receive a personal letter from him. Levi wore his weird fame badly, but Erwin had asked it of him. It was good for the Corps, and good for the families. The last especially got to Levi.
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Kaufman, he began. His handwriting was cramped and rigid, the product of countless hours spent practicing. For a while he'd been an abysmal speller, but after drilling himself ceaselessly he'd become adept. Levi was no natural writer, but his diligence and punishing work ethic made up for any lack of innate talent. I'm sorry for the loss of your son, Dirk.
Who named their son Dirk? Almost like they knew the boy would be dead by twenty, devoured by a titan. Like they knew they didn't have to name him anything good.
One day, he might have to write a letter like this to Petra's parents. The thought made his hand shake, and ink splattered across the page. Cursing, Levi crumpled the letter up into a ball and tossed it aside. His fingers were stained black with the ink. Fuck. Levi got up and went to his wash basin, pouring water and plunging his hands in to clean them. He grasped the thin sliver of white soap he had left and scrubbed. He scrubbed hard, until the flesh on his palms was pink and raw. Satisfied, Levi dried his hands, looked down…and saw he had ink on his shirt. Fuck. Only a few splatters, but to him it was like a gunshot wound. He groaned as he practically ripped the thing from his body. Even though his torso was clean, he poured more water and washed harder. He scrubbed his body until it stung. His breathing came fast; he exhaled between his gritted teeth. Dirty. He was still so dirty from the underground. They could smell it on him, the people up here. They could smell the stench.
She hadn't minded it, though. She—
The soap slipped out of Levi's hand and fell to the floor. Lying there in the dirt and grime, it was like a rude finger flipped off in his face. Fuck you, it said. There isn't enough of me in the world to make you clean.
Grimacing, Levi tossed the soap back into the basin. He went and sat back on the bed, topless now. He needed to get back to those letters, but…
Washing his body had made him think of her hands on his naked skin, the bath they'd taken together. The sound of the bedsprings made him even more horny. Fuck. His cock was getting hard, and he couldn't stop thinking of her. Thinking of her soft legs opening, her cheeks flushing pink, her mouth forming an ecstatic O as—
He needed to deal with the situation. Levi unbuckled his pants and took hold of himself, making soft noises as he went faster and faster. It wouldn't hurt to think of her like this, would it? To use the memory of her for a release once in a while. It was just to take the edge off the lust. It meant nothing.
The phantom Petra writhed beneath him when Levi closed his eyes. She cooed. She gasped. She bit her lip as she thrust against him, taking him as deep as she could. Levi felt light, free as his end began to creep up on him.
Oh Petra moaned. Oh, Yuri.
Levi became flaccid in an instant. He let himself go and leaned over, elbows on his knees.
She wouldn't sleep with that Yuri prick tonight. He knew that. She had another couple weeks left to heal, for starters. Levi took a kind of selfish relief from that. He was not a fool. When he broke up with her he'd known Petra would eventually find another man, and eventually go to bed with him. But for now at least he was the last man she'd slept with. Once another man took his place, Levi would feel even more alienated from her than before. He wondered if he'd know when she was sleeping with someone new for the first time. He wondered how he'd deal with it.
Same as you deal with any death. Put it in the past. You had your time together. You got a taste of what you always wanted. Isn't that enough?
Petra wasn't his. She was her own. He would never act the jealous prick with another guy. If she wanted this Yuri, she'd have him without Levi butting in. But he wanted to strangle that fucking Yuri, and that… That was just sad.
Levi took off his pants and stood naked in his room. He fell forward to the floor, catching himself with ease. Grunting, he began a series of push ups. By the time he hit thirty, he was sweating. At fifty his entire body was burning, but he kept going all the way to seventy five. His heart pounded, his blood screamed, sweat stung his eyes, but he kept going. Levi was naturally strong, but talent was dirt cheap. Effort kept him sharper and better than anyone else.
After he'd stopped to rest and wipe his face, he began sit ups. After one hundred, his abdominal muscles aching, he stopped. Levi practiced a hand stand, then did it one-handed. He grunted softly as he brought his legs down and did a perfect backbend. As a kid, the others in his first gang had called him Rubber because of his ability to contort into nearly any shape. His joints and tendons had stiffened a bit in adulthood, but not by much.
It wasn't just strength that brought down all those titans. It was physical grace as well. It was flexibility, and stamina. Stamina above all.
Levi knew how to live with pain. Life without Petra was just another backbend, another hundred sit ups, another seventy five push ups. The time he'd spent with her had been a five minute water break. That was all.
Levi stood and listened as the bell towers tolled three o clock.
Halfway to dawn. He was getting there. Levi dressed and wandered out into the hall, heading for the kitchen. If this had been a spring or summer night, he might've gone for a run in the dark. He loved to feel the soft earth beneath his feet as he raced across a pasture by moonlight. Levi hadn't grown up with much room to run in the underground. A wide open space with lots of green had been his idea of heaven.
At least until the night Petra went to bed with him.
Stop, asshole.
The hallways were silent, moonlight slanting across the floor. Levi's breath appeared faintly before him. They didn't have money enough to heat the whole place in winter. But he liked the cold. It was a slap in the face, a way to keep him awake until dawn. So what if he got no sleep tonight? He'd stored up on sleep up in Mitras. He'd never rest so well again.
He entered the kitchen, walked down the steps…and halted.
At the long table, she sat with a steaming cup between her hands. The short red hair fell in her face, the moonlight shimmering upon it. Levi's breath caught in his throat.
Petra. He opened his mouth to speak.
"Hello, Captain." Nifa looked up at him. He wasn't sure if he felt relief or disappointment. Maybe both.
"Nifa." Levi went to the stove, where he found hot water still steaming in the kettle. Good. Tea time. "Can't sleep?" He poured himself a cup and blew on it.
"Yes, sir."
"You had good form in training yesterday. We need to work on your swing. You have to cut deeper."
"Yes, sir."
Levi had told Erwin he wanted another woman to take Petra's place on his squad. In the underground, you always wanted a woman for the 'flyer' position, the lightest and most nimble role. Even Levi, small and agile as he was, could never quite master the innate grace needed for such a position. Nifa was the second best of the younger women, just behind Petra. She'd been a natural substitute, and the guys on the squad liked her. She liked them.
But while she'd never been anything but polite and deferential to Levi, he could feel her withering stare like a dagger in his back. She was never going to get over the Petra thing. Fine by Levi. Someone ought to hold him accountable for it forever, so long as it didn't interfere with their teamwork or their missions. And Nifa was a stone cold professional.
Levi sat at the table across from her. A candle glowed between them. Nifa watched him closely over the rim of her cup.
Nifa. Hell of a lot more inquisitive than most of the brats in the Corps. Far more probing than Petra. No wonder Hange had snapped the girl up. Levi wondered if Hange was going to regret trading the girls. Petra had been ideal for Levi—hardworking, bold, steady. Nifa was slyer, more adept at disappearing around corners and the occasional trickery to get out of a bad situation.
He'd really fucked them all over, hadn't he? Him and his goddamn cock. It was a weakness he despised in himself.
"So." He searched for another word. "Tea's good?"
"Yes, sir. You got this blend back in Mitras, didn't you?"
Yeah, the orange and bergamot tea Petra had bought for him. He couldn't stand keeping it all to himself. Or maybe he just wanted to get rid of it as quickly as possible, so he'd offered it up to the whole squad. He wondered if that'd been callous. He wondered if it was just another reason for Nifa to silently resent him. What a great life he lived.
"Yep. Petra did." They sipped. Silence. Merciful silence.
"She's recovering very fast," Nifa said. Great. They had to talk about her.
"That's good."
"Have you been to visit her?"
Levi gazed levely at Nifa. "Why would I do that?"
"Everyone's been doing it."
"Yes. I stopped in a couple times."
"That's good." Nifa sipped. Levi was close to telling her to stop pushing him. The girl came from a wealthy family and seemed pretty insistent upon always getting her own way. Levi admired anyone who wanted to give up a cushy existence to fight for humanity, but resentment was never too far below the surface when it came to rich brats. Nifa had better watch out.
"Got anything else to say, Nifa?"
She shook her head. "Thank you for the tea. Captain."
A noise at the door caused them both to look to the left. Oruo stood there in his nightshirt, a robe open at the waist. He wore some kind of sleeping cap that came over his ears. Probably got cold in the night. He blustered at the sight of Levi. Fuck, sometimes Levi wondered which of his subordinates had loved him more, Petra or Oruo.
"S-Sir." Oruo snapped a discombobulated salute.
"What're you doing up?" Levi asked.
"Probably has something to do with the new ten jars of honey we just received," Nifa muttered. True. Oruo had a sweet tooth.
"Uh, no. I came to patrol the halls." Oruo puffed out his chest, adopting that exaggerated carelessness and superiority that made Levi want to bang his head against a wall. "You never know who'll be prowling at this time of night."
"A prowling titan?" Levi drawled. "Sounds terrifying."
"Er. Ah ha. No. Burglars."
"One burglar against sixty hardened soldiers?" Nifa had her cheek in her hand. At least she and Levi had being annoyed at Oruo in common. "Thanks for evening the odds."
Heh.
Oruo blustered. "Aw, you just like to poke at me, Nifa! No one likes a nagging woman—"
"Go back to bed!" Nifa barked. It was so loud that even Levi nearly jumped. Oruo quailed against the railing for an instant, then furrowed his brow in defiance.
"Woman! Don't you go giving orders to a man with more titan kills than—"
"Bed, Oruo. Now." Nifa glared at him. Petra had been more exasperated at Oruo than anything, like they were an old married couple. Nifa seemed like she was about to get out a horsewhip. Maybe Oruo liked that.
"Well…fine! I can tell my skills aren't wanted. Tch. Good luck, Captain." Oruo turned around and nearly fled back through the door. Levi looked at Nifa with admiration.
"Redheads with dominating personalities. Guess Oruo has a type," he said. Nifa gave a brief smile.
"Yeah. Petra worries about him a lot more than I do, though." She sighed, and looked Levi dead in the eyes. He felt the change in the air. This might be the time to escape back into the hall. Go back to his room. But he didn't move. "So. Sir."
"Yes?"
"I notice you didn't ask about her."
No need to ask whom she meant. Levi took a sip of his tea, his eyes still dead, his demeanor calm. Inside, he was growling.
"Don't poke me, Nifa. You don't want to do that."
"It's not a poke. It's an observation."
An observation. Yeah. She was definitely Hange's girl.
"I don't need to ask about her. She's fine."
"She's fine."
Was it a question? An agreement? Levi hated these feminine head games. Maybe he could go after Oruo and wander the halls together. Or maybe he could tell this brat to go to bed. Yeah. Better idea.
"You should get some rest, Nifa. I'm going to be kicking your ass tomorrow."
"All right." She swallowed the rest of her tea, took the cup to the sink and washed it. Levi drank and imagined it was Petra sitting across from him with the moonlight in her hair and laughter in her eyes. Sometimes he'd come out to the kitchen at night, more of his insomniac wanderings, and discover her here with a cup of tea or a glass of water. They'd sit together over a dying candle and mostly not talk to each other. He would steal glances at her and dream that she was sitting on his lap, untying his cravat with her delicate fingers, kissing him with those rose petal lips of hers. If they spoke, it would be about training or their horses or he would ask her if she'd heard from her father. Once she'd asked about his parents. He'd calmly said he was alone in the world, and let her bluster an apology. He hadn't wanted to share with her. He needed no one in this world. The more he needed, the more could be taken from him.
He found a kernel of anger in his heart, heating and expanding. She'd laughed in Yuri's arms. Was Levi really so replaceable? He should want to be; he should be relieved she wasn't in pain. Maybe this was worse than never having known Petra. If they hadn't come together, he could imagine for the rest of his life what it would be like. He'd never know what he had lost.
"Captain?" Nifa said.
"What?"
She leaned against the sink and crossed her arms. He saw her eyes tighten. She wore a quizzical look.
"Nifa, spit it out or go to bed. You waste more of my time, you'll be on midnight patrol for the next two weeks."
"I don't know if I should tell you this," she mused. Oh, fuck everything.
"You have five seconds to talk or leave, or—"
"Petra's not well."
Three words that landed like blows. Levi forgot what he'd been about to say. He nearly dropped his cup.
"What do you mean? The infection's back?"
Nifa gave a soft, short sigh. She muttered something that sounded like 'men'. "She's in a lot of pain. Not physically."
"She looks fine to me," Levi croaked. He felt like he was floating above his own body now.
"Of course she does. She spends a lot of time practicing to make everyone thinks she's all right." Nifa stepped nearer to the table. She seemed to know the fascination she held for him now, and took her time. "Every single night, I have to go into her quarters and hold her. She cries so hard and so long she almost makes herself sick. Sometimes she actually gets sick from it." Nifa's gaze was hurting now, and violently angry. At him, Levi realized. "If she keeps going like this, she's going to get sloppy. She could end up getting badly hurt. Or killed. You always say we need to keep our heads clear."
Yes. He did say that.
"What do you want me to do about it?" It came out cold and even. Nifa could not disguise the brief curl of her lip. Disgust. Dislike. Good. That's how everyone should feel about him.
"You did this to her. Sir. I think you should help."
"I can't give her what she wants." He couldn't. It would do more harm than good. Nifa took a deep breath. Levi recognized it; designed to calm her down, so she didn't explode.
"I don't know what she wants. But I know whatever's wrong is hurting her. Captain." Nifa's fists balled. "And I know it's your fault," she said in a whisper.
Levi raised an eyebrow. Nifa, for all her boldness, looked down to avoid meeting his eyes. He could throw her off the squad or bust her ass if he wanted. Instead, he drank his cooling tea and let her linger. Couldn't let these brats know the power they had over him. It was a poor captain who needed to be liked by his subordinates.
To be loved.
"Got anything else to say?"
Nifa blinked in surprise. "No. That's all. If you care about her at all, talk to her."
"Fine. Good night."
Nifa swayed back and forth a minute, clearly caught off balance by Levi's nonchalance. It was good. The surprise kept the power between them in check. Nifa did not understand that while Levi cared fiercely for all his subordinates, he could not be ruled or swayed by them. Only one subordinate had ever held true, devastating power over him. Only one could bring him to his knees.
"Good night, sir." Nifa left, and Levi sat in the kitchen for two more hours until the first gray hints of dawn appeared on the horizon. He sat there and sipped his cold tea and thought and thought. His skin was electric, his muscles taut. He wanted to go to her room right now and demand an explanation. Why put on this show? Why not talk to him? He couldn't give her what she wanted—she wanted him, she wanted him, he could all but crow it—but he'd never deny her a chance to heal. He…
Fuck. Maybe he'd been blunter than he knew back in Mitras. Petra was tough, but she was also sensitive. Wonderfully sensitive. Her combination of grit and gentleness was one of the things he loved—that he had loved most about her.
Levi stood and washed his cup and went back to his chamber, thinking hard. He paced across his floor for the rest of the night, as he heard the blue jays calling outside his windows, as morning finally crept into his room.
All right. He would…
He would not seek her out. Not right now. Not at the start of the day.
Levi decided to wait until later on, when everyone was awake and alert.
The day passed in a blur. He was focused as he had his squad and the new trainees run laps in the cold, as he monitored their weight training, as he instructed them in better blade work. He was present, as always, but he was also impatient. He was like a child waiting for lessons or chores to be over. Why should he be eager? He was not going to get back together with Petra. No matter how much he hated the idea of another man touching her, his will was too strong. He'd made the right choice. He would not regret it.
But he couldn't let her suffer. He'd be understanding. He'd talk with her honestly. He'd hear her out. That's what he'd done wrong, he realized now. He'd shoved her away and given her orders. Feelings, the interplay of feelings between two people had always been Levi's downfall. He owed her an apology for that. Wasn't going to go soft on her, or kiss her or fall into bed with her in a moment of weakness. But Petra Ral deserved to be treated right. He wasn't enough of a thug to let her linger in pain.
And above all things, he would be in control of the situation.
At dinner he scanned the room for her, but she wasn't there. Shit. There'd been a decent chance she'd show.
"What are you looking for?" Erwin asked. He took a bite of stew.
"Nothing." Levi picked at his food. He rarely had much appetite.
"Don't forget, after dinner—"
"Yeah, yeah. I'll come find you. Casualty reports. Tch. I remember."
What a fun fucking night he was going to have.
After dinner, Levi turned his steps towards the staircase, to head up to the second floor. To Erwin's. But as he passed along the southern corridor, he slowed down. He found himself taking a left turn into the women's quarters. There were a few individual rooms for women like Hange, or Nifa…or Petra. Those on special squads got their own private accommodations.
He wondered if Petra had flowers in her room. Winter flowers. He wondered if she had any books on a little shelf.
He'd never seen the interior of her room before, though he'd fantasized about it frequently.
Well. Maybe now…
He stopped outside of her door. RAL was written on a placard near the top. Breathing deep, Levi stared at the wood. Absurdly, he felt like he could pierce the damn thing with his gaze and find her within. Maybe she'd be reading. Or…bathing.
Or crying.
Levi closed his eyes and raised his fist to knock.
And he lingered there. Waiting. For a sign? For what?
Fuck you, asshole. You've faced down fucking titans and murderers. You can't be scared of one small woman.
Levi leaned his forehead against the wood. He listened for delicate footsteps within. Fuck it. He lifted his hand again.
Again, he lowered it to his side.
Erwin…
Erwin needed him. Levi would come back later.
Coward. He was a real shitty coward. He wandered back towards the staircase with his head lowered and a scowl on his face. Long as he lived, he'd never forget how fucking weak he'd been. What he was at heart. A fucking coward.
Tch.
He came to the top of the steps and took the long hallway down. Erwin's door was at the very end, his window overlooking the main streets of Trost. Real nice view on a winter's night, the peaked rooftops all thick with snow. Maybe he'd have some tea and after the conversation he'd get up enough nerve to go back down and right up to Petra's door. The thought gave him some comfort.
This time, he knocked without issue and immediately went in.
"Sorry, Erwin. I was—"
Erwin was not in the room. But she was.
"Captain?" Petra looked up at him, appearing quite baffled. "Oh. Hello."
She was wearing a snug woolen dress, one that accentuated the delicate curves of her body. He'd interrupted her while pouring tea. She was bent almost comically over Erwin's table, the teapot in her hands. She poured so much she nearly spilled over onto the saucer. With a quiet curse, she put the pot down and straightened up.
They stood staring at one another across the room. Levi said the only thing that came to mind.
"The fuck are you doing here?"