Of course I am excited about the wedding. It's been a long time since I got to organize something and this one is something for me and Haymitch so it's even better. The kids have been dears by helping me. Johanna promised to come back few days before the wedding with Annie and Finn. Peeta is in charged with the foods and drinks for the party since he's the only one I trust with that aspect. Katniss will provide the resources for Peeta's menu while Haymitch bought me the fabrics I need to create my dress and everyone's outfits.
"I'll buy you anything you want, princess, just don't make me wear pink", he pleaded and I know he's deadly serious so I obliged although him wearing pink had been in my head at first.
I asked them not to conduct the ceremony at the town center. I may be able to walk to town by myself but I still get the stares and talk from people there and I don't want any of that during my wedding. I want it to be perfect and special.
Haymitch got worried by the amount of time I spend inside my closet/workroom. I got tons of clothes to make and that takes time. I want to focus and unfortunately that eats time I should be spending with him. He understood once he saw the dress I made for Katniss.
"Do you think she'll like it?" I asked.
He looked at the dark pink dress I'm holding.
"Yeah…she'll definitely love this. Katniss is not much of a pink lover but this one is gorgeous and modest too", he answered.
That made me smile. I know Katniss doesn't like wearing too girly clothes as well as Johanna so I kept it simple and neat.
"Can I see yours?" he asked.
"Of course not! You get to see it only during the ceremony", I exclaimed.
"Relax, princess…I'm just excited what you're going to wear but I know you'll be the most beautiful bride Panem will ever have", he said and it made me happy.
Few days passed and everything is set. We finished decorating the lot of the Victor's Village and it looked colorful and marvelous. Who knew this place can be this gorgeous? It will be more fabulous once the lights have been lit at night.
Johanna, Annie and Finn arrived at District 12 and Haymitch took it upon himself to care for the young man. I went at the back of the house and saw him playing with Finn and the geese. He seems happy and content. I've never seen him before with young child and it's a pleasant sight to see. Then a wave of feeling hit all at once. I didn't see it coming but looking at Haymitch with a child being happy and all, I suddenly thought that I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't be preparing for a wedding. Hell, I shouldn't be married to him at all. This isn't right.
I quickly ran that I almost twist my ankle because I forgot that I'm wearing heels. I ran upstairs to get my cigarettes inside the drawer and proceeded to the balcony. The air is cold but not freezing. I lit up a stick and calmed myself down. I can't back out now. Everything is set. The wedding is happening tomorrow for goodness' sake. Am I having a cold feet?
"What's wrong?" Haymitch asked behind me.
He must've heard me running downstairs.
"Nothing, dear…just taking a break from the preparations. That's all", I lied which is very lousy too if I may add.
I felt him walking towards me.
"Stop. There's something wrong because you took that pack from the drawer and now you're smoking out here. Tell me", he commanded.
I wanted to tell him to leave it be and let me have my time out here to breath but I know that tone. I don't want to upset him and I don't want to start up a fight. We already spent years fighting and arguing with each other. I don't want that anymore. I'm tired of fighting.
"I'm just thinking of some stuff and it made me feel bad so I'm just trying to calm down", I answered…vaguely.
He grabbed my arm gently and made me turn towards him.
"What stuff?" he asked.
I took a deep breath. There is no way he's going to let this go.
"I saw back there with Finn playing and you're so happy. I love seeing you happy. Then as I watched, I thought of the future…I can't give that to you. I can't give you that kind of happiness", I answered.
He frowned trying to process what I just said.
"You don't want to have kids with me?" he asked again.
"No! I would love to have kids with you but I can't", I answered.
He eyed me curiously.
"Are you…" he started asking but I cut him off.
"God, no! I am not infertile if that's what you're going to ask, dear. I can't give that to you because…well, I don't want to taint an innocent child", I clarified slightly embarrassed about it as well.
Just the thought of me passing all the horrible things I've done to an innocent child like Finn makes me sick. It's not fair. I'm not going to do that. I wasn't able to save all those children I sent to their death but I can spare one innocent life.
"You are tainting no one, sweetheart. You didn't kill all those tributes. You did your job because you have to. We both know that. The other things you did, you were forced to do so and you did it to protect the kids. If you want to play who got the cleaner slate, well…no one has that. All of us here got red on our ledger and yet Finn out there is amazing. No one tainted him even with both his parents killed several people in the arena to survive. Come on, princess. Don't go having cold feet on me now because after I got to spend time with that little monkey back there, I think I want like five children", he said while taking my cigarette from my hand.
"You're getting ahead of yourself, Haymitch. We have to get married formally first", I said.
"Well then let's get married formally", he replied with a smile.