Book Two, Part Eleven: Going Home
January 3, 2020
"What do you need from Addison, Derek?"
I looked at our therapist with a raised eyebrow.
"Not fucking someone else would be a start." I replied dryly.
She sighed next to me.
After months of separation, she had finally managed to get me to go to couples counseling. I didn't actually know why I was here, however. She had humiliated me. She had crushed my trust.
And yet, here I was.
"What do you need from Derek, Addison?" He asked.
"I need him to forgive me and give me another chance." She said.
I snorted.
"Would you stop being a child about this?" She raged.
"Would you stop being an adulterous whore?" I countered.
She pursed her lips and then looked away.
"I didn't mean to hurt you." She whispered.
"Yeah, well, you did."
"I know, and I am sorry. If I could take it back, I would, but I can't." She said.
"Why did you feel the need to cheat?" Dr. Williams asked.
"The last couple of years have been…distant. We were always busy. We didn't bother to fight or make love. We barely ever talked. It wasn't that way in the beginning and I just handled it wrong. This should have been my first step." She admitted.
"No your first step should have been talking to me." I said.
"Would you have listened?" She asked, focusing on me again.
"Of course I would've." I said.
"Really?" She asked.
I thought back through the years; blowing her off for a surgery, forgetting dates, staying that the hospital instead of coming home, seeing the light die from her eyes little by little.
"I would like to think I would've, but I don't know." I admitted.
"I just wanted you to love me like…" She trailed off.
"Like what Addison, finish your sentence please. You can't work through this unless you are honest." Dr. Williams said.
"I wanted you to love me like you loved her." She whispered.
I let out a breath.
"Who is her?" He asked.
"His first girlfriend. He had to leave her, and he never got over her."
"That's not true." I objected.
"Isn't it? You were always comparing me to her, always talking about her, crying about her."
"That was in the beginning. I haven't brought her up since before we were married."
"Yes you did."
"What? The night I caught you with him? Yeah, that is understandable I think." I huffed.
"No, that's not what I am talking about. You would say her name when you slept, you would say her name sometimes when we made love. I didn't say anything, because I didn't want you to feel bad but that cut deep Derek."
"I didn't know."
"I know that. I didn't tell you. And I know I should've talked to you, to make you listen but he was just there, and he made me feel like I was the only one, not like I was a replacement." She explained. "I'm sorry."
"That doesn't excuse it." I said.
"I know. I am not trying to make excuses. I am trying to make you see how I felt." She said.
"How do you feel?" I asked.
"I want you to love me. I want you to want me. Not because I am there, or because you want to get over her but because I am me." She said.
"You don't want kids." I said.
She blinked. Yeah that came out of left field I know, but it bothered me.
"I didn't want kids then, I said nothing about not wanting them now." She said, confused.
"You insulted my family."
"I don't know how to act around one. My family…you know how they are. I don't know normal. I will apologize."
"You hurt me."
"You hurt me." She said.
"Time is up, excellent progress." Dr. Williams said cheerfully. We just looked at him like he was crazy.
We walked out and made another appointment.
"Do you think we can work it out?" She asked.
"I don't know." I said before leaving.
March 14, 2020
"Dr. Shepherd?"
I frowned at the unfamiliar voice.
"Yes?"
"This is Dr. Miranda Bailey, Chief of Surgery at Seattle Grace Hospital." She stated.
"How can I help you Dr. Bailey?" I asked, confused.
"You can help me by getting your tail out here and work for me." She said.
"I'm sorry, what?" I asked.
"Are you deaf? Or are you just stupid? I thought I made myself clear." She stated.
I chuckled.
"No, I am not deaf, or stupid."
"That remains to be seen. So how about it?" She said.
"You want me to make a decision now? I haven't even met you or seen what you have to offer me and you want me to say yes?"
She laughed.
"That is the only answer I am prepared to take but if you must play hardball, I will be out your way next Friday. You can take me to dinner, and we can discuss your future here with me. See you then."
She hung up and I stared at the phone for a long time after. That woman had some balls.
"How was your day?" Addie asked. Yes, she was Addie again. We had been in therapy for three months and we had dinner two nights a week. She still lived in the brownstone and I lived in an apartment eleven blocks away. It was lonely.
"I was offered a job in Seattle." I told her.
She froze, wine glass halfway to her mouth.
"And what did you say?" She asked.
"I said I would have to think about it. She will be here next Friday to talk to me."
"But you are considering it?" She asked.
"Yes, I am."
"Oh." She said, forcing a smile.
"That doesn't mean I am taking it or that I am running away from us. I will consult you about this. We are still married." I said gently.
I hadn't forgiven her, but I did see what role I had played in her decisions. It wasn't my fault, it wasn't her fault, it was our fault. While I wasn't sure where we were going, I owed it to us to try. That was in the vows.
For better or worse.
We had definitely seen both.
March 21, 2020
"How many hair products do you have to use to keep that from turning into an afro?"
I turned around with a smirk. I recognized that voice. I looked level and then down, down and down some more. I raised an eyebrow. She couldn't be more than 4'11.
"Say it and you will be eating my fist." She warned.
I made a motion of zipping my lips and throwing away the key. A smile twitched at her lips.
"Derek Shepherd." I said, extending my hand.
"Miranda Bailey." She said, taking it in a firm handshake.
"Shall we?" I asked, gesturing her to lead the way.
We got into my car and I took her to my favorite restaurant, Callihan's.
She looked around the place with approval.
"Thank God, you didn't take me to one of those stuffy places where I have to worry about which fork to use." She commented.
"I hate those places too." I winked.
We talked about her vision for Seattle Grace and I told her that I had lived near there for a few years when I was younger. She talked about the neurosurgeon I would be working with that was 'brilliant' and how I would fit right in.
"Do you have a family?" She asked.
"A big one but if you mean kids, no."
"You're not married?" She asked.
"Yes. I am." I told her.
"What does she do?" She asked.
"She is a surgeon as well, Obstetrics and Gynecology with a fellow in Genetics."
"Wow. That's impressive. Maybe I should just hire her, and you can become a house husband." She laughed.
"I don't know if she is coming with me." I admitted.
"Of course she is. You are married to Addison Montgomery." She said with a scowl.
"Why did you ask me if I was married if you knew the answer?" I asked.
"Wanted to see if you were trying to get me in bed." She said seriously.
My eyes went wide and I sputtered for a few seconds.
"Relax. I am kidding." She grinned. "You are not my type. I don't go for good looking, charming Neurosurgeons."
March 26, 2020
"It is an impressive package she is offering." Addie sighed. We were at my apartment going through the information left by Dr. Bailey.
"It is." I agreed, sighing and settling back into my couch.
Addie turned to me.
"You being hired is not reliant on me accepting." She said.
"I know that." I said. "What's your point?"
"My point is that, I don't have to go if you don't want me there." She said, looking away from me.
I placed my head on the back-couch cushion and looked up at the ceiling. I stayed silent, lost in my thoughts of what I wanted.
"Der?" She asked hesitantly.
"If you go, it could be a fresh start for us together. If you stay here, it will be a fresh start apart." I mused.
"Um…yeah." She said. She might as well have said 'duh'.
"I don't know yet." I said.
She sighed, and I felt her stand up. I let my head loll to the side and looked at her.
"You need to decide soon. The ball is in your court. Either you want me to go or you don't. But I need to know soon so I can uproot my life here and go with you. I am willing to do that for you, for us." She reached into her bag and withdrew a folder. She laid it on the table. "These are divorce papers. You sign, I sign. If you don't sign, let me know and we can start over."
She left me looking at that damn manila folder.
I withdrew the papers and read over them. It was short and to the point. We would keep our individual cars, sell the Brownstone, split up what we accumulated when we were married; furnishings, stocks, bonds, etc.
That was it, six years of marriage and signing four pieces of papers would end it.
Permanently.
April 3, 2020
"Congratulations Dr. Shepherd. You own forty beautiful acres of land in Seattle."
I thanked the man on the phone and smiled happily. I had accepted the job in Seattle and now I had a place to live…kind of.
I had the land but no house. Not enough time to have one built before July. I had some thinking to do…
More thinking to do. I still hadn't signed the papers. I had tried. Every night I sat there with a pen hovered over the line with my name on it and I couldn't do it.
"Hey. Who was that?"
I looked at Addie and I smiled. Yes, smiled. I saw a light in her eyes that had been missing for a long time. A light I helped extinguish.
"We need to talk." I told her.
"You accepted the job." She stated once we had sat down with our food.
"Yes." I said. "And I just bought forty acres of land that I have no idea what I can do with before July. I looked at those Airstream trailers. They are small but should do until I have a house built. Miranda was so happy. I swear I heard her dancing in her office when I called her." I laughed and ignored the hurt look on her face for now.
"That's…great Derek. I am so happy for you." She said, feigning happiness for me.
"Thank you. So, what do you think about the trailer, just until a house can be built?" I asked.
"Oh, I…whatever makes you happy Der." She whispered.
"You should have some input too, seeing as you will be living in it too." I said with a sly glance at her.
"Why would I have…Oh!" She exclaimed as she got it. A smile broke over her face. "Really? You want me to go with you?" She asked, bouncing in her seat. I bit back a laugh. Addie didn't bounce.
"Really. We can work on it, on us. See how it goes away from everything New York." I agreed.
"This isn't some cruel joke?" She asked, her face guarded.
"No." I shook my head laughing.
She launched herself into my arms and cried into my neck.
"Thank you. I am so sorry Derek." She sobbed.
"I'm sorry too, Addie." I said hugging her tightly.
June 24, 2020
"Now you will call when you get there?" Ma asked for the fiftieth time.
"Yes Ma." I laughed. "We will be fine."
She looked over at Addie, who was hugging Nancy.
"Are you sure about this?" She asked, and I knew she didn't mean Seattle.
"Yeah. We both made mistakes and you have to allow for the fact that she was raised by wolves." I teased.
A smiled ghosted over my Ma's face, but she remained stoic.
"She hurt you." She said.
"I hurt her. I knew I would in the long run, but I made vows Ma." I explained.
"Yes, you did, and I am very proud of you for upholding them even though she broke one." She said.
"Forgiveness is divine Ma. Haven't you ever heard that?" I teased.
"Have you, forgiven her?" She asked.
"Not completely but we just need time. She is sorry."
Ma nodded and hugged me once more and then hugged Addie before letting us go. We had a long flight ahead of us.
"I will talk to you all once we land."
"You better." Amber yelled.
"Don't be a stranger either." Mel scolded.
"Okay. Okay. Let us go now or we have to stay here forever and since we sold the Brownstone, we will have to shack up with one of you."
"Go!" Mel urged, laughing.
I waved goodbye and then I was gone.
Setting out to find myself in the only home I had ever really known.
Washington.
So, Derek decided to go to Seattle...WITH ADDISON! What do you guys think about that? Do you think that Derek will see Meredith?