Chapter Thirty-one
Sonny sat alone, alone with his thoughts sat on the hard cold sand of Virginia Beach.
Ray had left him over an hour ago without a word as he left him there. He had a lot to think about before he could find the courage to man up and go see Clay and apologise to Clay for his attitude. Hoping that it would be enough to fix their broken relationship. But right now, he wasn't ready. He needed to get his head sorted out before he was ready to face his brother, but he didn't know how to do that.
Ray had been right, even if he didn't want him to be nor would he ever admit it to his face but he was right. He wasn't ready at this current moment to go anywhere near Clay or any of his brothers. He was angry. Pissed even however unlike before, he had no output for that anger. No target to focus on or a method to help deal with it. Yes, he could go to the bar and drink himself into a coma and he wanted too, but as he took a step towards the bar, there was a little voice inside his head telling him not to do it. And so far, that annoying little voice had won. He always thought of voice being as Clay, it reminded him so much of his little brother that the hurt of almost abandoning him again plagued his head and heart.
But at the same time, hearing Clay's voice inside his head gave him a little comfort. He missed his brother, someone who he saw as the person that he was responsible for both at home and on ops. But at the same time, Clay allowed him to be more himself instead of the hardened Seal that everyone else saw him as. With Clay, he could relax and there weren't many people who could get him to do that. There was only three. Clay, Lisa and Danny. But now on Bravo, he counted on Clay a lot more than he should which was why nearly losing Clay in Manila nearly broke him.
And worse, he had been the one to find him. Laying there in the street with no shoes. That was what Sonny had focused on when he first saw Clay. Clay had been physically blown out of his shoes, he had found them right next to the vehicle that the bomb had been under. He had to pick them up, he couldn't stop himself. Clay may want the back. That had been his thought, which was stupid to think about now. Clay had been blown up why would he want to get his shoes back? However, he had kept them with him, right until they had been given the all-clear to return home. Right before he had boarded the C-17 he had finally said goodbye to Clay's shoes.
The other thing that had stopped him in his tracks was the blood. His brother's blood was dripping from Clay's legs onto the ground below him. Clay's legs had been blown to hell from his point of view and that only became more clear from the look in Trent's face. The look of fear. And it was then that Sonny knew Clay was in trouble. Normal when one of them was hurt Trent was a man of ice, cold headed and ready to treat his brothers when the time came. And sadly in that street, Clay needed Trent more than anyone.
As soon as their brothers had arrived, more likely hearing Sonny shouts, Sonny had snapped back to reality and had bent down right next to Clay grabbing his hand. Holding on to any part of Clay that would get in the way of Trent's work. The kid was awake but not with them enough to talk. Sonny remembered repeating himself telling Clay to stay with him and to breath. He wanted to tell Clay that everything was going to be ok and that Trent was going to fix him up. But he couldn't. He couldn't make himself lie to Clay when he didn't know the outcome. In those moments, before the ambulance came and took Clay away, Sonny and Clay had locked eyes. It was then that he saw it. Clay wasn't really with them. He knew that it was more likely due to shock and the force of the explosion but he couldn't help but think that maybe the brother he knew was gone because Clay made no sign that he knew who was around him nor that he was safe.
What made his worry even worse was when Clay had gone dark on them. Not even speaking to Blackburn. The kid had cut himself off from them and the only report they were getting about him was from the hospital doctor when they occasion spoke to Blackburn. However, after nearly two torturest months they had finally heard from their boy. Their brother was home and on the way to recover.
But that recovery period had not ended the way they had all hoped. Once again they had nearly lost their brother, in no fault of their own, but yet he felt guilty. And that was one of the reasons for his anger and possibly why he was so snappy at everyone around him. He had been so focused on blaming everyone else around him so that he didn't need to think about the blame that set heavily on his shoulders. And he felt it, in every hour of every day. He felt the pain of failing his brother. They were all to blame for where they were, and he saw it in each of them. From Blackburn to Brock. They all where shouldering part of the blame for what had happened to Clay.
They may not have anything to do with the mission, they didn't even know it was happening but for everything that had gone to shit after they had arrived in Turkey. They had been Bam Bam's rescue party, and they had failed. They had arrived too late to stop Clay from suffering more. Their little brother had drowned alone in that ship. He could relate to Clay in that respect. He knew what it was like to slowly drown and the only future they had was darkness. But at least he had his brothers there with him. He got a chance to say his goodbyes. Clay didn't. He was alone in that hull, slowly waiting for the water to cover his airways, dragging him into the darkness.
He remembered the cold feeling of death when he had been stuck in that tube and it was the worst experience of his life. It took him months to feel warm again, and only because he had Lisa there for him. He could only guess that Clay was feeling the coldness now, and instead of looking after him like Clay had done for him he had attacked him. Not physically as he would never harm one of his brothers but he had done in mentally. Which was why he felt that maybe Clay never would want to speak to him again. And he wouldn't blame him if he didn't. He had been horrible to him. But Sonny wanted to fix it, fix the relationship that once was so strong between the two of them that they were brothers. However, first, he needed to sort himself out before he could even have the balls to see Clay.
Sat on the cold sand with the wind hitting his face was the only thing that was stopping him from been trapped inside his won head. He had hurt Clay, they had been as strong as brothers for over two years and within a week he had thrown it all away. He had acted back like he had when Clay had first joined the team, questioning everything he had done and screaming at him. He was a monster back then and he didn't know why. He was always hard on the new guy, and more so when he knew nothing about them.
Clay was a closed book to everything other than his time in the Seals. Anything personal other than his ex-girlfriends and some of his problems with Ash. Well some of them, to be truthful one night when the two of them had been drinking after been left by the others, Clay had spilled some of his secrets regarding his relationship with Ash. The man had been nothing like a father to Clay from the moment he was born. The man had sent him away his only son away right after burying his wife so he could continue on his career as a Seal. He had not once thought about staying home to be with his child. Also, Clay had told him about the time when Ash had visited them in Africa and then so call man had spent no time with his son, instead spent the time partying in bars for nearly the entire time.
However, the image that he couldn't get out of his head was when Clay told him after emptying the half of the bottle of whisky that they had started only ten minutes before, that during that said visit Ash had come back drunk one night and had back-handed Clay so badly that he had cracked Clay's cheekbone so badly that his grandparents had taken him to the hospital the next morning due to the swelling. Ash hadn't stook around and had flown back to the States without even saying goodbye or sorry. Sonny had wanted to go hunt down Ash and break not just his cheekbone but his entire face. The next morning, Clay had acted as nothing had ever happened other than a massive hangover. And so he had kept the information to himself. It was killing him keeping that piece of information from the others but he had too, for Clay's sake.
Clay trusted him with a lot and he was the same. He had shared some personal things with Clay that he had never shared with anyone before. He had been brought up by his grandmother just like Clay but unlike Clay, he wasn't so damage about his parents lack of involvement in his life. They all knew that Clay had done his best to remove Ash from his life however the bastard had somehow found a way to worm himself back into Clay's life. Something that they were planning on making sure never happened again.
Yes Ash, had helped to try to get Swanny his purple heart and had set to work on helping other vets with TBI however that didn't stop him from making it all about him at the end of the day. Franklin from Alpha had bumped into Ash one night in a bar and had overheard Ash bragging to the woman sat next to him about how his work on vets TBI had made his celebrity profile a hell of better than before. Franklin had reported that fact back to them and they had spent the next eight hours stopping from Clay from actually killing Ash. Sonny had offered to help him but Ray had told him to shut up and that he wasn't helping.
In that moment, Sonny knew that he had to talk to Clay's face to face. Pulling himself to his feet he headed towards the Med bay without really looking where he was going. He trusted his feet to get him there, he just hoped none of the other guys were there as he couldn't deal with having to face them as well as Clay. He knew that Jason and Trent were not happy with him and Brock...well he could never tell with Brock but Cerberus was a worry. Their four-legged brother was scary when he was pissed off.
He entered the medical bay without seeing any of his brothers, in fact, it was empty other than the odd nurse or doctor. He glanced up at the clock on the wall and knew why. It was nearly eight-thirty at night, he hadn't even noticed the time. That meant that he had been sat on the beach for over four hours, and it had only taken Ray less than half an hour to find him so he had spent nearly three hours sat on the beach. No wonder his arse felt like it was frozen.
As he got to Clay's room he looked through the window to see Clay laid in the bed and he looked like he was asleep. A peaceful sleep. Something he hadn't done for a while and it made him a smile a little. His little brother looked so young when he was asleep it was a little weird that the kid that was so dangerous when awake but looked like a little little kid when he was asleep. However, just looking at Clay like that reminded him of their first deployment to Afganistan. Clay had gone to bed early the night that Ray and Clay had had fun pulling frag out of his back. Sonny had soon followed him because Trent had limited him on how many beers he would have with the painkillers that he had injected into him against his will when Ray had pulled the last piece of metal fragment out of him. Just seeing the kid asleep reminded him that maybe Clay wasn't all that bad and had been the reason why he had started to glue himself to the kid.
He didn't even notice Clay's nurse exit his room as he was so lost in thought, that it wasn't until the nurse tapped him on the shoulder did he even look at her. He even jumped at her touch. She softly smiled and shook her head, Alice had been posted on the base for over a year and with all that time she had learnt how to deal with Seals. And when she had to deal with an injured Seal, she had to deal with his team as well. She checked Sony over quickly to make sure he wasn't hurt as well before speaking. "Sorry I didn't mean to make you jump."
He smiled and shook his head, "It's fine." The nurse was young and attractive. And so Clay's type.
Alice smiled again, 'here we go' she thought. "Clay told me to tell you that if you don't stop standing here staring at him without going in he is going to throw your hat into the closest shark-infested waters he can find before throwing you in it." She said shaking her head again. Sometimes she had no idea why she put up with Seals. They were sometimes rude, pig-headed, stubborn but also loyal, sometimes funny and charming. And Clay well... he had a lot going for him. But she could see that the man was hurting and maybe a relationship wouldn't be the best idea.
Sonny shook his head at the comment and then turned back to Clay who was now awake and sat up in bed. How long had he been up? But instead of snapping at the comment about his hat, he turned to Alice and asked: "He ok?" He asked. Clay looked better than before but he was still a little pale.
She smiled and turned to look at Clay's charts that were still in her hands. "Getting there. His temperature is a little high but he is improving. If only that he would get some more rest without me threatening to sedate him." Alice said putting Clay's chart and placing it under her arm, god the man was stubborn but also a lot of fun when he joked about how annoying her father had become lately. She normally didn't get personal with her patients or complain to them about her own problems but Clay was a good listener and she liked him a lot.
"You can go in if you want. I'm going to get him something to eat, he didn't like what the other nurse brought him and I promised him if he got more than two hours sleep then I would get him a steak wrap. Just keep him calm and see if you can get him to drink a little more, he isn't drinking enough liquids for my liking. I shouldn't belong." Alice said patting Sonny on the shoulder before turning and leaving him at Clay's door.
God, how did the kid do it?
He had the nurses eating out of the palm of his hands and he had only been in the med bay for a day. The kid was unbelievable. But she was right, he had to get in there and talk to his brother. With a deep breath and a little prayer, he slowly opened the door and stepped inside.
"Finally decided to come in then," Clay muttered as he played with his I.V cannula in his hand.
Sonny knew that if Trent had been there, then he would have slapped Clay for messing with it but Sonny wasn't Trent and knew how itchy the plaster that they put around it was. Sonny looked at Clay and moved close to his brother, he knew that Clay wasn't going to break on him. The kid was harder than he looked. "Well you did threaten my hat pretty boy, can't have that can we?" Sonny said tugging his hat as he said it. However, he knew what Clay was doing, the only thing that would get to Sonny to do anything without an order or drink was threatening his hat.
Clay smiled and knew what Sonny was doing. He could always read Sonny better than anyone now and knew what was happening the second Sonny had stormed out of the room. Sonny had to calm down before anyone could talk to him so there was no point pushing him. But also, after trying to get out of bed and Trent threatening to try him down and pump him full of drugs until he listened to them and stayed put. "No guess we can't," Clay muttered smiling and looking up at Sonny who had moved a little closer. With a moment of silence and Sonny not looking like he was going to say anything else. Clay sighed, "I'm going to be fine Sonny."
Sonny looked up at his brother with a little fear in his face mixed with confusion. How does the kid do that? But then he remembered that out of everyone in his life Clay had been the one to see the storm before the cloud had even turned dark. In lameness terms, the kid could read him better than anyone. "Doesn't look like it...you look like hell," Sonny muttered and took the empty seat next to Clay's bed. Close up Clay still looked tired like he had done since he had been got out of the hospital the first time.
"I'm fine. This is only a small hiccup." Clay said turning his head so that it was resting against his pillow but he was able to watch Sonny more closely. He looked how he felt, tired, fed up and stressed. But he could tell that there was something going on with him, and he needed to get it out of him. Ray had briefed him a little when he came back to tell him that he was heading home to update Naima and that he wasn't going to save him when she cornered him. And now he needed to work out how to get whatever was bothering Sonny out of him before he exploded.
"Hell of a hiccup," Sonny muttered and Clay knew that that was the truth.
"Yer, tell me about it," Clay muttered, he hated hospital and was the reason he had escaped from the last one. However, now he was once again in a hospital and one that he couldn't escape from. Not with the guards on the gates and Jason telling him that he had informed them that he was not to leave base without one of the team and clearance from the doctors. But then again it could have been worse. Uncle Tommy could have hung around instead of returning back home to complete his report on the mission to hand to the joint chiefs. He knew that Jason knew what was between the two of them but the others didn't, they knew that he was close to the Admiral but not the reason. He knew that sooner or later they may ask him and he would have no option than to tell them the truth. But then again, Uncle Tommy had saved him from face planting the floor
"Look Clay I'm..." Sonny started to say rubbing his hands together and not meeting Clay's eyes.
"Look if you are going to apologize to me for something then you can save it," Clay snapped looking directly at Sonny. He was getting sick of everyone apologizing to him lately when he didn't blame them for any of it. The only two people he blamed for this was Jones and Zurkoff. And maybe himself. Sonny looked up at him and Clay saw that he was going to have to explain what he meant by it as he had done with Jason. "You all think that this..." Clay said pointing at his own body before continuing "...is somehow your fault when it's not. I don't blame any of you."
"You should," Sonny muttered once again and took off his hat before starting to play with it in his hand.
"Why? You didn't do anything." Clay said throwing his arms into the air tugging at his I.V lines.
"Coz we didn't get to you in time," Sonny muttered letting his head full into one of his hands, he didn't want to see the pain in Clay's face as he reminded him of the time he almost drowned because they had failed him.
"Time for what? Saving me from drowning? Or my memory loss?" Clay asked confused. What was hell was happening?
"Both," Sonny said looking up at Clay before placing his hat onto his knee before running his hand through his hair.
"Sonny, my memories came back. I remember everything...well..." Clay started but then stopped and thought more carefully about that. Sonny's head shot up and looked scared about what was happening. Had Clay not remembered everything? "...I'm still a little hazy on our pub crawls but I'm guessing that maybe not a bad thing," Clay said shrugging his shoulder and turning to look at Sonny with a small grin.
"That's true," Sonny said laughing, he didn't remember most of those nights ever and like Clay had agreed that maybe it was for the best.
"As for not getting to me in time to stop me from drowning, well you were a little busy," Clay said shrugging his shoulders again before moving back to picking at his I.V line.
"Yer right..." Sonny muttered angrily but not at Clay but himself.
"I heard the firefight," Clay said without any real emotion.
"What?" Sonny asked, now he was confused even more. What was Clay going on about? What firefight?
"I didn't black out straight away, I heard the firefight. I knew you guys were there coming for me. Know the sound of your chaos anywhere." Clay said, he hadn't really told anyone that. The debriefing hadn't asked about it so he felt no reason too; he had heard the shooting and knew that out there were his brothers fighting for him. But sadly he could fight any more and allowed himself to fall into darkness. A failure he wasn't proud of.
"We got Zurkoff," Sonny said nodding his head.
"I know you did," He had been told who had killed Zurkoff and the killing round had come from the British Navy. Not that he was going to tell Sonny that because he knew that Sonny had fired a number of shots at Zurkoff. All of them had hit the bastard but sadly a shot fired from one of the British sailors directly to Zurkoff's head had ended the man's life.
"Wish I had gotten my hands on him?" Sonny muttered angrily at the thought of what Zurkoff had done to his little brother, the man had nearly beaten Clay to death according to Trent.
"I'm not," Clay muttered closing his eyes know that Sonny was going to explode on him.
"What kind of drugs have they got you on?" Sonny demanded. Whatever drugs they had Clay on they were making him nuts.
"Doesn't matter. This way Zurkoff can never hurt anyone again." Clay said, not opening his eyes but shrugging his shoulders. "I mean it, Sonny," Clay said opening his eyes and turning to look at Sonny. Sonny looked up confused and then motioned Clay to explained. "Think about it Sonny, getting shot once hurts like hell. Think about much-getting shot over fifty time feels? I'm guessing Zurkoff suffered enough before he died." Clay said.
"Hoped it did," Sonny muttered but agreeing with Clay. "So we good?" He asked looking up and moved his chair closer to Clay's bed.
"Yer brother, we're good," Clay said with a smile and nodded holding out his hand for Sonny to take to which he did. He gripped hold of it as if his life depended on it and it did in a way. He couldn't lose his brother. Not again.
"Good. Missed you, buddy." Sonny said gripping hold of Clay's hand but allowed him to let it come to rest on the bed. It looked like Clay was fighting to stay awake again.
"Missed you to brother," Clay said smiling but then thought of something that might help them both out. "Any chance you could get me out of here?" He asked with a little hope.
Sonny looked shocked at him and then chuckled a little. "Not a chance brother."
Clay pulled out his puppy dog eyes and let go of Sonny's hand giving it all to get Sonny to help him. "Thought I was your favourite?"
Sonny chuckled and shook his head. "Sorry brother, you are on your own. I value my life more than that."
"Against who?" Clay asked shocked and a little worried about who Sonny Quinn was afraid of.
"Trent, Jason, Ray, Cerberus, to name a few," Sonny said counting them off on his hand.
"Wimp," Clay muttered folding his arms across his chest like an angry child.
"Poster Boy," Sonny answered back.
"Bastard," Clay said back but then the two of them smiled. They were back. Sonny knew that this time they were going to drive both Jason and Ray mental as soon as Clay was cleared to join them again.
"Hey Clay?" Sonny asked, thinking about Bravo's conversation that they had back in the gym. Maybe he had to be the one to get Clay to talk about what was happening to him.
"What?" Clay asked something in Sonny's voice got him to think that something was bothering his brother.
"If you ever want to talk about what happened over there..." Sonny said to say looking at his brother carefully, hoping that he wouldn't cause Clay any pain.
"I know brother. I know." Clay said muttered nodding his head before he started to play with his own fingers. He didn't want to talk about it, however, he knew that sooner or later he would have too. But he didn't want to cause Sonny any more pain than he was already feeling. His brother had been blaming himself for what happened, would learning more about what happened to him make Sonny fall back into that thought. He couldn't risk that. He wouldn't risk his friendship with Sonny again.
"Coz maybe be should," Sonny said softly.
Clay nodded again and then the sound of the door opening caused them both to turn to see who was there. Thankfully it wasn't any of their team, but instead with Alice with a bag of what smelled like amazing steak wraps. "Hope you are hungry. I got you a steak wrap like you asked." Alice said handing Clay his wrap before smiling at Sonny. "I also got you one. Thought that maybe you would be sticking around so I got you one." She said with a little smile as she handed his to him.
"Thanks," Sonny said holding up his wrap thanking her.
"Right you. You are going to eat that wrap, I am going to change your fluid bag and then you are going to sleep. Got it." Alice said pointing at Clay before crossing her arms.
Sonny chuckled opening his wrap and took a bite before looking at Clay. "I would listen to her brother." He said laughing as he watched the scene in front of him, 'this was fun.' He missed this, he missed his brother.