"Captain?"
Her shock was genuine, and so was the slight hurt that he saw. That wasn't the reaction of someone who'd been looking to ambush him. He'd really just sworn at her, hadn't he? After everything he'd done already, he was cursing her out? Shit. What the fuck was wrong with him? Levi cleared his throat.
"Sorry, Ral. I was just expecting Erwin. Surprised to find you here instead." That at least was the truth.
Her expression eased. She was calm again.
"I know what you mean. I was expecting the Commander, too."
For a moment, he felt his heart seize in his chest. Petra in her pretty cranberry dress, pouring two cups of tea…was she having a date with Erwin? Had the man won her over with his height and charm and giant fucking huge fucking eyebrows? Was that why Erwin had been so fucking strange yesterday? Because he'd wanted to tell Levi that he was romancing the love of Levi's damn life, and wanted his approval to—
Get a hold of yourself, you shithead.
Levi didn't like his thoughts skipping all over the place like this. Made him look a real fool.
"Any particular reason?" Levi asked. "Why you're waiting on Erwin, I mean?"
Petra beamed. "I need his final evaluation. He's spent most of the day training me."
"For what?"
"Well…" She lowered her lashes, a pleased little smile on her face. "I'm going to be his executive officer."
Now that news really could have knocked Levi over. Executive officer? That was more than a promotion. Hell, it was more like a religious calling. It was an entirely new career track.
"Fuck. Really?" He got the sense he was looking a little too perplexed by the whole thing. Like it would be insulting in another second. He tried to act cool and smooth it over. "Congratulations, Petra."
This really was baffling, though. Erwin didn't make a habit of having aides or executive officers. Ever since Levi'd known Erwin, the man liked to keep his schedules and his plans to himself. Having Petra as an aide was like…fuck, like a lion keeping a secretary or something. It was a little bit of politics that Erwin seemed to find wasteful. Commander Pixis had two top aides himself, and a position like that usually meant you were being groomed for leadership. Honestly, Levi thought it seemed kind of strange. Petra was a top soldier, but she'd never gunned for authority the way Eld had. Did she even want to learn how to command?
Then again, she was barely twenty one. Just a kid. Maybe she didn't yet know herself every last thing she wanted out of life. And she'd more than proven herself capable in Mitras.
"I mean it," Levi said roughly. "Erwin couldn't choose better."
"Thank you, Captain." She offered him a cup of tea and a smile. "The Commander asked me to wait here and look after his evening appointment. He said he'd be back soon."
Look after his evening appointment? Fuck did that even mean? If Petra also thought this was odd, she didn't show it.
Levi took the proffered cup from Petra's hand, blew, and sipped. The tea settled his nerves at once. It was excellent.
"You always did make a perfect cup," he said gruffly.
"Thank you, sir."
Levi sat in a chair before Erwin's desk, but Petra did not sit. She remained standing by the wall, hands clasped before her in an official stance. She looked like she was fully on duty, even while wearing her civilian clothes. Despite the pretty femininity of her dress, she was still an evident soldier. It got very quiet in here, maybe too quiet for even Levi's taste. The clock on the wall ticked. Say something. He'd better say something.
"Erwin put you back to work already? Tch. You're supposed to be resting."
"It was just for today. Commander Erwin sent me a letter this morning telling me about my new posting. Squad Leader Hange said she was sad to lose me, but she's excited for my future." Again, that polite smile. Levi now realized that had been the extent of their interaction thus far: warm politeness. No hint of informality in her tone.
She was treating him with the same respect she'd always given him. It was like they were back at the first day on his squad, shared respect and formality uniting them. And dividing them.
"Erwin say why he wanted you?"
She blinked. "No, sir. I didn't think to ask."
"Yeah. You're right, no reason to ask. Good for you, Petra." It was all he could think to say. He drank tea. The clock ticked. She remained a fixture on the wall. She said nothing to him. Her behavior towards him was as calm and impersonal as it had always been while they'd worked together.
He watched her from the corner of his eye, waiting for her to slip up and reveal herself. He wanted to find the hysterical tears Nifa had mentioned, but saw nothing of the kind. No restraint. No burden. Just quiet detachment.
He told himself that was all just fine. He told himself he didn't want to see her pain.
Five minutes passed. Levi cleared his throat. He fucking hated people being late.
"Erwin's probably hunkered down squeezing out a shit somewhere," he muttered. Petra laughed softly. Politely.
"Yes, sir."
Like she was humoring him.
Yes sir. Yes sir. She sounded like a damn parrot. Levi placed his cup down on the table, and leaned back in his chair. She kept her eyes to the floor, a neutral expression on her face.
"Why don't you head out?" He tried to keep his voice level. "I can keep myself occupied 'til he gets here."
"Ah." She frowned a little. "The Commander asked me to wait until he got back. I'm sorry, Captain."
"Why are you apologizing? It means nothing to me either way. Just didn't want you to have to stand around doing nothing."
It was getting real fucking hot in here.
"Thank you, sir." Her voice was lilting and sweet and without any personality. "That's very thoughtful."
Maybe he should just go, but… No. Fuck it. Erwin Smith wasn't going to drive him out of this room. Levi was not that much of a coward.
Well, here they were. Petra and him. Him and Petra. She couldn't leave, and neither could he. Fuck knows, maybe Erwin was watching them from behind a potted plant or something right now, chortling to himself. Had this been the shithead's plan all along? To stick Levi and his ex together, force them to stare at each other until one or both of them lost their head? Was that the whole reason Erwin had promoted Petra in the first place? What a scumbag. Playing with her like that. Playing with Levi. Playing, that was Erwin all over. Always some new game, some big gamble. Well, this was Levi's fucking life. Erwin had no right. No right at all.
And Petra was so smug, wasn't she? Hanging out there, looking as easy and calm as a cat with all the cream?
"You want to cut out the bullshit?" he finally said. Petra gazed at him in quiet shock.
"Sir?"
"Yeah. The bullshit of acting like you want to be here at all."
Again, that dumb little blink. "I'm just doing what the Commander asked."
"Yeah, because I know you're so excited about learning to lead the fucking Survey Corps. When I think of 'future strategist' I definitely think of you."
"Excuse me?"
At least she hadn't said 'sir' that time.
"Come on, this isn't the path you envisioned for yourself and you know it. People like Hange want to run this place someday. You know. Batshit crazy brilliant people."
Petra inhaled sharply through her nose. "I know I'm not brilliant, sir."
Wow. Fuck him, right? He was being a cunt on a level even he couldn't fathom, but this was just… She was just so unconcerned.
"Fuck brilliance. That's what's pissing me off the most."
"Sir?"
"There you go. Sir. Petra, I ended things between us. I wanted us to keep it professional; I didn't say you needed to act like your memory got erased or something. This stupid little game is getting on my last fucking nerve, so stop it."
Her mouth pursed into a thin line. Good. At least he was getting a real reaction now.
"I'm just trying to do my job, Captain," she said smoothly. "That's all."
"Stop playing games with me."
"I'm not, sir. I'm truly not. I'd just like to wait for the Commander to get back."
Fuck, that sounded reasonable. He hated it. He hated that she was being so much more reasonable than he was. When he'd been about to knock on her door, he'd imagined the moment she opened and saw him. He imagined a painfully bad acting job while she pretended she was just happy to see him; he imagined tears, and then rage. He imagined comforting her while she threw herself onto her bed, weeping. Weeping for the love and loss of him. And even though he knew he'd never give in to her wishes and love her again, he could at least be sweet and understanding to her. Promise her it would get better, that it was all right if she couldn't love another man for a while. Or ever. Honestly, the two of them ought to just agree never to sleep with anyone else ever again and regretfully love each other from afar. That wouldn't hurt, would it? To be celibate together, always knowing they were the other's great love? Not moving on, but not hurting either. That was a comfort he could give her. He had imagined promising her that she would smile without him in time.
But now it sounded like she was just getting annoyed of him. And that…that Levi couldn't fucking stand.
"All right. Fine. Just stop calling me sir and captain and shit like that. Call me Levi. Talk to me like normal."
"I am," Petra said flatly.
"You know you're not."
"I'm talking to you like you're a superior officer. That's what you are. It's normal."
"We lov—we were lovers, yeah? You can't just turn the clock back on that."
Petra was silent a moment. "But you can. You said we should."
"I said you would be happy and find someone else, and damn it but I meant it. All right? I want you to be happy!"
"Then why are you scowling at me like this?" Again, that bafflement. That surprise. That incomprehension. She really didn't get why Levi was like this? She was a real lying little asshole, wasn't she? He started seeing red.
"Because you are acting like a child, and you're better than that."
Her mouth twitched. She nearly laughed, and stopped herself. "Um. Sir. I don't think I'm the one who's being childish."
Oh, look at her, acting so patient with him. What a saint. Saint Petra. Probably thinking about her next date with Yuko or whatever his name was, where she'd laugh and tell him about the ugly old man who yelled at her for the most ridiculous shit. He thought I was crying my eyes out for him. Can you imagine? He thought of her kissing Yui on the mouth, and then…
Levi had to get out of this room. He was losing control, if he hadn't lost it already. He stood, glaring at her. She met his gaze coolly.
"I'm worried about you," he said at last. Her smug expression melted a little at that. "I, er, heard you've been upset recently. I want to know you're all right."
"Excuse me?" She looked baffled. "Who said that?"
"I don't know, you cry to a bunch of people on a regular basis? Is there a long list?"
Petra bit at her bottom lip. "I know Nifa means well," she said, which sounded like she meant 'Nifa, that bitch.' "She didn't have to drag you into this."
"Why are you crying?" he muttered. Finally, finally her cheeks got some color. Finally she looked angry.
"I was shot. I nearly died. I was tortured. I was sexually assaulted. Sometimes I can barely get out of bed in the morning!" She was starting to yell now. Good, good. Levi wanted that passion. He wanted to get rid of this lifeless Petra waxwork. He wanted her fire again. Petra balled her fists at her sides. "When it's night, I… That's when it's hardest for me." Now he noticed her hands were trembling. She was starting to shake. "I just want to feel happy again."
"I'm sorry I hurt you like I did," he said, trying to be gentle. Here they were at last. He could put a hand on her back, hush her crying. They could be honest with each other.
Instead, she just looked so suddenly weary.
"Yes. You hurt me a lot. But I don't have a lot of time to cry about you, sir. I have too much to deal with." Her cheeks were turning red; there was glinting fury in her eyes now. "Do you really think I only want to sit around crying about you for the rest of my life?"
"Of course not," he snapped. Fuck, was that actually true? Did he think that? "I just know I could've been nicer to you. Maybe I should apologize. Excuse me for giving a shit about your feelings."
"Yes, I know you really care about my feelings." She turned and placed the kettle back on a low single burner, heating more water for more tea. "That's why you come in here and tell me I'm not smart enough to be the Commander's aide."
"You're taking this the wrong way."
"How am I supposed to take it?" She whipped her head around. "You said people who want to be commanders are brilliant. What am I supposed to think?"
"That you're like me, all right? We're both soldiers, that's what we do. We fight, we don't worry about anything bigger than that. We care about people. We're the same, right? I like that about you!"
"Oh, right. You like me because I remind you of you." She shook her head and whispered something to herself that sounded an awful lot like 'Nifa was right.'
"I'm not doing this girl shit with you," Levi said. "This nasty—"
"Excuse me?" Petra whirled around, but he wouldn't stop.
"—nasty, petty, angry bullshit that twists all my words into ways to make me the asshole, all right? I don't want you to stop being who you are for me, or Erwin, or anyone!"
"How do you know what I want to be?" she snapped.
"Because I've spent time with you, for fuck's sake. I know you. You didn't join the Corps for Erwin, you joined it for me."
All of Petra's bluster faded. In fact, she slumped down into a chair. Levi sat down across from her. Okay. Good. The yelling shit was done.
Or so he thought. Because now it was time for the thing he hated worse than the yelling: the my-voice-is-quiet-but-only-because-I'm-too-angry-to-yell thing.
"You are the most self-absorbed man I have ever known," she said quietly. Levi decided not to say anything in reply, both because he didn't know what to say and he didn't want to turn the table over. That would look very bad right now. "You really think my entire life… You…"
"You told me yourself you joined because you saw me," he said. It was the fucking truth, even if she didn't like it. He crossed his arms, felt himself sulking like a child. But damn it, they were doing this.
"I wanted you the moment I saw you." Her voice did not waver. Her eyes were cold. "I did. But do you really think I went through three years of training, worked to get to the top of my class, and turned down the Military Police to spend my life nearly getting killed by monsters just because I wanted you?"
Levi hated it when people did this. When they made him question his own reality. He did not speak, he just let her snarl at him. He knew if he tried talking now, he'd be going in on the losing foot. Best to wait until the power was back in his favor.
"You inspired me, yes. I wanted you. But I never really believed I could ever have you! I've been doing this for three years because it's the only way I can ever feel like I did something meaningful with my life." She shook her head, appalled at him. "If Moblit said he entered the Corps because he saw Squad Leader Hange, you wouldn't ever believe he did it solely because he wanted to be with her. Why is it men never do anything that's just for love, but women apparently do it all the time?"
"Are you done chewing my ass out yet?" he grunted. She pushed away from the table, getting as far from him as she could.
"Yes. Sir."
"Good. Then I'm sorry I insulted you." He liked that she appeared surprised by his apology. "I'm sorry I thought you were upset about me. I get it. I do. I got you dragged through hell last month, and those marks don't fade right away. I'm sorry I was a dick to you when I broke things off. If that's been hurting you, then I hope it stops now. Okay?"
She breathed out slowly. "Okay."
"Is there anything you want to talk about right now that'll make you feel better?"
Clearly she had not anticipated him to be this reasonable. Petra blustered as she stared at the table.
"Um. No. Thank you."
"Okay." He stood. "Then tell Erwin he's a shithead for keeping me waiting, and I'll see him tomorrow." He turned and made for the door. Hand on the knob, he looked back at Petra. She was now standing by the wall, all official again. "Congratulations, Ral. I know you'll do a great job."
"I… Thank you, sir."
He left the room and walked down the stairs, listening to the boards creak with his weight. He'd done it. He'd gained the upper hand again, thrown her off guard. That girl didn't know who she was playing with. Levi was still in control. He was still—
"Fuck."
He nearly put his foot through the wall, instead electing to slam his fists against it a few times. He pressed his forehead to the cool plaster, breathing out the anger. That hadn't gone the way he wanted it to. He didn't even know what he'd wanted, but it hadn't been that. Sure as shit not. Levi stumbled down the last few steps and walked out into the corridor. The winter cold bit him to the bone, and he finally remembered he'd left his damn coat back upstairs.
He hesitated, debating whether or not to go back. Finally, he decided he wouldn't give this kid such power over him. He swept back up the steps and opened Erwin's door without knocking.
"Sorry," he said, "forgot my—"
He came to a grinding halt. Petra had collapsed into a chair, and was leaning over with her face in her hands. She bawled, her shoulders heaving with the effort. She took one-two-three little huffs of breath, then wailed even louder. She was heartbroken. She was in agony.
Levi didn't know what the fuck to do, so he closed the door and stepped nearer.
"Um. Petra," he croaked. She was so lost in tears she didn't seem to hear him. Levi glanced around the room, as if hoping someone else were here and could tell him what to say next. He caught his own reflection in a mirror, saw how pale-faced and wide-eyed he was. He half expected his reflection to slam its palms up against the glass and yell at him, asking what the fuck to do. Levi could only shake his head in response.
"Petra?" he said, louder. That finally got to her. Sniffling, she looked at him. Her whole face was swelling with the tears, her eyes red. Her nose was shiny, and she wiped the back of her hand across it. Levi was so horrified and saddened that he almost forgot to feel grossed out. "Look. Petra."
With a wail, she got to her feet and advanced on him. Levi stood and took it as she shoved at him again and again. He planted his feet—she barely moved him an inch—but he didn't try to stop her as she batted him lightly around the ears. Petra knew how to throw a good punch when she wanted to, so he knew she wasn't looking to hurt him. It was pure frustration leaking out. He stood and took it.
"I'm sorry," he said gently when she finally stopped shoving at his shoulders. She gripped him by the arms and leaned forward, not touching him. Her hair fell into her face, and she gasped and kept sobbing.
"You're such an asshole," she wept. She keened as he settled her back down into a chair, as he knelt before her. He kept one hand over both of hers, squeezed her arm. Petra tilted back her head and let him see the tears streaming down her cheeks. "Wh-Why?"
"I know. I am an asshole. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He rubbed her arm.
"I just…hurt so much." She started breathing deeply, slowly. She was coming out of it. "And y-you insulted me."
He had enough sense not to argue over what constituted an insult, and besides she wasn't totally wrong. Levi had gone about this entirely the wrong way. Every single step he'd made was wrong. He was no good at this people shit. He'd known that he was making all the wrong moves as he was doing them, had wanted to do better, but it'd been like riding an out of control horse. He'd been snappy when he should have been inquisitive, harsh when he needed to be gentle.
"This is why you do better without me." He meant it to tease, but she just appeared listless.
"Yes. I suppose."
"You do better without me, Pet." He placed a hand on her back. Pet. He had barely ever called her that. "I was a shithead with how I ended things, but it was the right thing to do for you."
"I know," she said softly. She sounded convinced. Utterly convinced. Insultingly convinced.
"Oh."
"I…I love you," she said to her hands. The words filled him with white hot joy, but then she continued. "But we're not good together. I make you unstable. You do the same for me."
"Yeah. That's exactly it." These were just the words he needed to hear, after all. He told himself that.
"I was thinking." Petra sniffed hard. "I'm not upset with you because of what happened in the underground or anything. No one could have predicted how that would turn out. But from the night of the ball to the day we ended things, how many bad fights did we have? How many times did you try to turn me away?"
"Well. Look." But she was already counting.
"Right after we kissed the first time, at the Morgenstern ball. Then we had that argument in the stables. Then right after we found each other again underground, we had that fight. And then you pulled away the next morning. And look, I know when I left you after…after I shot Sofia, I…" Her voice began to waver again. "I know what I said to you was so mean and awful, and I'm sorry. But I never know when you're going to push me away when something goes wrong. Because I got shot, and—"
"Petra."
"I got shot and kept thinking about the life we were going to have together, and then as soon as I got out of bed you ended it and I—" She wailed anew, burying her face in her hands. Levi rubbed circles in her back, feeling numb and empty as she spoke. "I can't… I couldn't keep worrying about when or why you'd pull away again. You didn't even give us a chance to talk about it! You just told me! You just—" Again she dissolved into incoherent sobs.
Oh, he was a bastard. He'd had the audacity to come in here and tell her to stop insulting him, to even insinuate she wasn't the right fit for a place at Erwin's side. Levi's own incompetence as a human being was breathtaking, but he never saw it so clearly as when he was at this sweet, gentle girl's side.
"It was all my fault. Not yours," he whispered. "Everything that's gone wrong started with me. I was weak back at the ball when I told you how I felt. None of this would've happened if I'd kept my mouth shut."
"I didn't want you to," she murmured.
"No, but you needed me to. I was too selfish," he said. He touched her cheek, brought her face up. She sniffled; he felt the damp of her tears on his palm. "You need to be with someone who isn't so fucked he'd ever choose any other human being over you. I didn't say it right when I ended things, but that part was true. It is true. I should put you over Erwin. I would if I were the right man for you. You're the most beautiful, wonderful…fuck." No, shit, not like that. Not like she was just a perfect fuck, more like…fuck. He all but stammered. "You're the greatest woman I know. I just wish I could stop fucking everything up."
She sniffed, and nodded. "You don't fuck everything up. You're a really wonderful man." He couldn't let her see how good those words made him feel. She looked at him with kind eyes again. "I didn't mean it when I said you were self-absorbed. I'm just so tired of getting angry like this."
"I know."
"That's why I know you're right." She slipped a handkerchief from her dress pocket and daintily blew her nose. "I think we can love each other but not be right for each other."
That was just what he'd wanted to hear. So why did it make him so fucking depressed?
"Well. I don't think it's that we can't get along," he said bluntly. "We get along fine when we're not arguing." Most people did, of course, but whatever. "It's… It's just that I can't make you a priority in the way I should."
"What do you mean?" She seemed honestly confused.
"I mean…you know." Clearly she didn't. "Like I just said. I'll always choose Erwin over you."
"I know." She said it like she expected there to be more to that sentence.
"So. I can't come home to someone when I can't make them the most important—"
"Come home?" Now she seemed confused. And that was making Levi confused.
"Like at the end of a long day."
"I just don't understand why you'd come home to me if we both were in the Survey Corps. Wouldn't we go home together?"
What was this nitpicking bullshit?
"You know what I'm saying."
"But I don't. I was never going to be sitting at the window waiting for you to come home."
"I…I can't put a family before this mission. I can't."
Now Petra looked truly confused. "We don't have children."
"No. I mean—"
"I would love to be a mother, but I wasn't planning on it when I joined the Corps. Honestly, I gave up the idea of having kids when I turned down the Military Police. It's the Survey Corps. I don't expect to make it to thirty-five. Ninety six percent of us won't. We all know that." She looked kind of flabbergasted, genuinely shocked. "Did… Do you want to have kids?"
"No." It was a simple and honest answer for him. Levi liked brats, always had, and in a better world he would've loved to be a father. But this was no better world. Honestly, he'd just kind of assumed that Petra would want them. Had he wanted her to? And if so, why?
Fuck, this was too much thinking. He felt kind of sick.
"Then we wouldn't have a family. You wouldn't have to worry about picking someone else over them."
"No, but… Hold on. Do you want to get back together?"
"Why would you think that?" Again, genuine surprise.
"It just seems like you're telling me all the shit you think I'd want to hear, like you don't mind I choose Erwin over you, or you don't want to have kids."
Again, anger smoldered in her eyes. "This sounds an awful lot like you think all my choices revolve around you."
"Can we stop arguing?"
"We're not. I'm not."
"It feels like it."
She sighed. "This really is why we shouldn't be together."
"Then it's a good thing we're not." He heard how short he was getting. Levi grabbed his coat and pulled it on. "I'm going to fucking break both of Erwin's legs. Tell him that for me."
"You think he's late on purpose?" she asked as Levi walked back to the door.
"Of course he is. He wants us to talk like this."
"But why?"
"You're not stupid Petra. He wants us to…" Levi buttoned his coat slowly, searching for words. "He wants us to realize we don't work. Like you said. He wants us to get it all out in the open and put it behind us."
Petra scoffed. "I don't mind when you're violent as much as I hate when you lie."
"What's that supposed to mean? Did you suddenly get a peek into my head, is that what's going on?" He drew nearer to her again, while she blew out the single burner. The kettle had begun to sing, and she poured a steaming line of water into a teapot.
"You know Commander Erwin better than anyone! Do you really think he'd put us together like this just to make us miserable?"
"Of course not, but he's a manipulative little weasel. He's a manipulative weasel who looks like a fucking lion, so no one notices what a shit he can be. I know that because I know him. You don't."
"I think I know him better than you imagine," she muttered.
"Trust me. Erwin puts on a face for the rest of the world. Only Hange and me know the real him. Well, maybe Mike, too. And Nanaba. Maybe. But the fucker's always playing games. He's always got some new bet going. He doesn't want to hurt either of us, but he'll make us suffer now if he thinks we'll feel better for it later."
Petra passed him a cup that he did not drink.
"Do you think he wanted me to train as his executive officer just so I could be here when you arrived? So we could have this talk?" she asked.
"Look, you'd do better on Hange's squad. We both know it. He knows it."
"So after we end this tonight, he'll walk in here and…what? Tell me he's not really giving me the position? I'm not sure I'd ever call the Commander bitchy."
No. No, Erwin wasn't a bitch. A giant golden asshole, maybe. Probably.
"You think it's a coincidence he's still not here?"
"No." She frowned into her cup. "But I think he likes to kill two titans with one blow whenever he can."
Well that…did sound an awful lot like Erwin. Maybe Petra understood the Commander better than Levi had anticipated. Tch. What a nuisance. He looked into the tea and saw a wavering reflection of himself glaring back up.
"You wanted to be on Hange's squad, anyway," he muttered.
"If I have to choose a squad that isn't yours, yes. But I want to be the Commander's aide most of all." She worried her hands. "He asked me when I came back here where I wanted to go. I said I'd go wherever he thought I was most useful. He asked what I wanted to be remembered for the most. I knew what he was getting at; Hange's squad has the most scientific soldiers. I'm not that." She glanced up at Levi. "But it's like you said. I like people. And after all we went through together…" She swallowed. "I realized maybe I had just been living in your shadow. All I wanted was to devote myself to you." Her voice faltered; he held his breath. "But when that wasn't an option anymore, I started to think. I told him maybe hospital work, but I know I'm not really a doctor. He thought so, too. So he asked me if I wanted to consider training for leadership. At the time, I had no idea he meant being his aide. I told him yes, Levi. I said I wanted to try something new. I want to grow up a little. I want to stop yelling at Oruo, or following you everywhere." Her chin quivered. "I can't go back to the person I was a month ago. She's gone now. And he saw that."
Erwin had looked at Petra Ral and determined the best new position for her. Erwin had been thinking about Petra, and about humanity. And Levi had made it all about himself. How much of an asshole could he be?
"I was wrong," he said gruffly. "About Erwin using you to get us together. That was a shitty thing for me to say."
"It's all right. So." She wiped her eyes and folded her hands around her cup. "I think you're right about one thing. I think he wanted to let us understand each other. Do we now?"
"Yeah. I think we do." He gazed at her. Even with her eyes puffed and red, she was beautiful. Being this near to her again, listening to the sweet lilt of her voice, it was everything he'd missed.
This was why he'd sped through their break up the way he had. He'd known that if he spent time talking to her, reasoning with her, that she'd wear him down and make him realize he couldn't do without this.
And he couldn't. Could he?
"Good." She gave a gentle smile. "Then you don't have anything to feel bad about now."
She'd absolved him. He was free.
And alone.
"Listen." Levi cleared his throat. "If you ever need to talk more about this, you come find me. All right?" He stood, his legs feeling like rubber beneath him. "You're Erwin's aide now. Your rank's almost the same as mine. There's no reason we can't be friends."
"I'd like that."
She would be his friend. His real friend. And Yuri would be her…
"Anything else?" he muttered. He wanted to have a reason to keep talking. He needed a reason to stay in this room. She appeared kindly puzzled by his question.
"No. No, I think that's it." She paused. "Something tells me the Commander isn't coming to this meeting." She laughed gently.
"Yeah. I'm really gonna kick his ass for him. I'll see him tomorrow, I suppose." Levi rebuttoned his coat; he still felt so cold. Petra nodded. "So. Maybe we could all talk strategy some night soon."
"I'd like that."
"Good. Good." Levi fluffed his cravat and drained his cup. "Hey, I can walk you home now if you like. Let Erwin clean up his own mess."
"Oh." Her cheeks flushed. "Thank you. I'd say yes, but… Um."
Don't ask. Don't ask. Don't fucking ask.
"Got a date?" His voice did not crack. Petra turned pure scarlet as she nodded.
"Yes. Yuri is picking me up in about half an hour. It's not an important date," she said quickly. "I mean, we're only going for a quick walk to the bridge."
"It's the middle of winter."
"It's frozen now. The ice is beautiful under the moon."
Great spot for a first kiss. Real romantic.
"Well. You kids have a good time," he said. Petra looked softly relieved.
"We will, sir. Levi. Thank you."
"Sure. See you tomorrow."
He nodded to her, and she nodded back. He left and walked slowly down the stairs, listening to the steady, rhythmic thumps of his footsteps. He would go back to his room and lie on his bed, and he would close his eyes as the clock struck the hour and Yuri came to collect Petra, and Levi would let her go. He hit the bottom of the stairs and let himself recapture all the little bits of her from his memory. Laughing, moaning, crying and arguing, kissing him and planning with him. She'd forgiven him his cruelty. She was his friend, and would always be. She had bloomed outside of his shadow. She was her own woman now.
I helped you grow. You did the same for me.
And that was that. He was too old for a lifetime with her, but he'd been young enough to learn from her.
It had all ended happily. As happily as it could.
Yuri was a good kid. Anyone could see it.
Levi sighed as he faced the long walk back to his room.
He sighed as he stuck his hand into his right pocket.
He closed his eyes, sighed again, and walked.
He walked back up the stairs.
He walked back to Erwin's door.
He did not knock, only flung it open. Petra leapt to her feet, baffled as he kicked the door closed behind him.
"Levi? What's wr—?"
He closed the distance between them, pulled her into his arms, and kissed her. The moment his lips touched hers again, it was as if the pain and the anxiety drained from his body. These past few dull weeks evaporated. He felt light. She groaned with surprise as he kissed her again, harder, as he wrapped an arm around the small of her back, as he pressed her chest to his. He could feel her heart. He grunted as he tasted her lips—they were sweet from the tea—and as he sank to the floor and pulled her down with him. He had her across his lap, kissing her so fiercely it was almost as if hate had mixed with love.
When Levi finally broke for air, Petra looked absolutely livid. She'd gone white, with two pale red spots appearing in her cheeks. Was she angry or aroused? Or both? He could take both.
"What the fuck are you doing?" she hissed. Levi responded by bringing his mouth down on hers again, his tongue thrusting once between her lips. Petra wrenched her mouth from his, turned her face away. He let her, but he did not let her go. She lay across his lap as he held her tight. "You…you asshole!"
He had nothing to say to that. She was right. She sat up, though he still held onto her. Petra gasped as she struggled against him. She pushed to free herself, fire flashing in her eyes now. She was getting angrier and angrier. But still, he held her.
"I can't believe you," she huffed as Levi reached into his pocket. "You think you can just walk back in here after everything and—"
Levi held up his hand, the topaz gleaming in his palm.
Petra stopped moving, blinked at the jewel like she didn't know what it was.
"Wh-Where did you—?"
"Remember how Erwin just 'magically' managed to retrieve the gold?" he asked. Petra nodded. "Well, it wasn't the MPs doing us a favor. We really got it back from Kenny."
"Kenny?! He gave us the gold? Why?"
"No clue, but he showed up at the Boar's Field when we were on our way back and just handed the case over. He gave me this as well. Must've gone back for it after I left it in that room underground." He proffered the jewel to her. Petra swallowed, but did not take it.
"And you've had it?"
"I've kept it in my coat pocket for weeks. I keep telling myself to pawn it somewhere, or at least to put it away in a drawer and never look at it again. But I can't. Because every time I touch it, I think of you," he growled. Petra's eyes fluttered closed. Her brow furrowed.
"No. No," she whispered.
"Look at me. Please." She did. "I…" Levi was a man of few good words, but he needed them now. He needed to say exactly what he felt. If he couldn't do this right now, he would lose her forever. "I made a mistake," he muttered. "I thought I could let you go."
"What if I want to be let go?" Her anger was growing again.
"But you don't."
"Oh fuck you." She wiggled away to give herself some distance, though he noticed she didn't try to entirely break free. "I have a life of my own now, and you can't stand it!"
"I'm not going to waste whatever time we have left in this miserable world pretending to be happy while you go off with some pimple faced brat."
"Oh. So that's what this is about?" She gave a short, mirthless laugh and rolled her eyes. "Of course. You're like a dog pissing on its favorite tree." She appeared truly disgusted. "Get off me." Now she shoved in earnest, so he let her go. Petra stood and yanked her clothes back into order. He stood as well, still holding out the topaz. "I don't want that!" she snapped.
"You do. Don't be a lying coward, Petra."
"After everything you've done to me, you want to call me that?" Her voice pitched higher. She was angrier than he'd yet seen her. She might try really punching or kicking him now. Well, not that Levi didn't deserve it.
"I'm a dick. I'm stupid. I'm hateful. I'm not good enough for you." He made the list easily as he approached her. "But when I went down the stairs just now, I realized that I was happier when we were fighting up here than I'd ever be just on my own. And you were right. You're not that wide-eyed kid anymore." He took her hand and placed the topaz in it. She looked down at the jewel warily, though she didn't try to shove it away. "You can handle truth, even if it's ugly. So let me tell you the truth." He took a deep breath. "I will always choose humanity over you."
"I know." She wouldn't look at him.
"I will never marry you."
"I know."
"And I'll never have children with you. I'm not going to be the man with a satisfying home life."
"I know that."
"Good." He took her face in his hands and tilted up her chin. She let him, her amber eyes searching his. She still appeared cold, but at least she was listening. "But if you can accept all that, then I will only ever be yours."
She moved away from him. She cradled the topaz.
"It's too late, Levi."
His temples throbbed.
"It's not."
"I'm saying it is."
"Then give me the jewel back."
Petra instinctively held it to her stomach. Good.
"Do you need me on my damn knees?" No one had ever seen Levi like that—well, no one except Erwin, when he'd ridden Levi down in the underground that one day. Mike had forced Levi to his knees in front of the Commander. Levi had stayed in that humiliating position to spare his friends. But he had never fallen to the ground before anyone of his own volition. So far, he hadn't even done that for Erwin.
So he did it now.
"Oh!" Petra gasped as he knelt at her feet. He took her hands, brought his chapped lips to them. "Levi. You don't have to—"
"I do," he growled. He pressed his forehead against her fingers. "We are both going to die young. We can't make lots of time for each other. It won't be a normal relationship. Your parents'll hate it. You'll get frustrated with me. And you'll have to deal with the fact that I'm a crazy old man." He gripped her wrists. "But the one thing I will never, ever, ever do again is push you away. I'll make you crazy. I'll be high strung, and crass, and you won't have any fun taking me to parties. But I'll love you. Whatever time I have outside of slaughtering the titans will go to you. I'll never leave your side."
"Levi…"
"We're not going to live a long, happy life together, Petra." He stood again, got so close their noses touched. "But the way I feel about you is the only happy thing I have. I don't want to throw it away again."
"Levi." She shook her head, her chin quivered; she was on the verge of tears. "I…I want to believe that…"
He kissed her forehead. He kissed her temple. But she shied from him again, all but plucking his heart from his chest as she moved.
"You say all of these things now because you don't want it to be over between us, but then something will go wrong again. You'll push me away," Petra said.
That was a reasonable fear. He was asking her to take this on faith, when he'd proven again and again how broken he could be.
"All I need is one last chance. Petra, if you can't feel the same way, or if you're too tired of this shit then that's fine. But if any part of you would regret not trying again—"
"It's impossible to really make a choice with no regrets," she muttered.
No one can live without regret, Erwin had said. You can't learn without regret, or grow. Levi was not one for growth, physical or otherwise. But he could try. He could try.
"That's true. But what'll you regret right now? This moment? What'll feel worse?"
She looked at him with quiet sympathy, and he felt fear shiver to his core. That was the look of someone who's grown past her childhood crush.
"You're such a piece of shit, sir," she murmured.
Fuck. Was that the answer? Levi tried to work out what to do next as Petra placed the topaz onto the table. She was… Was she giving it back?
"Well." Levi swallowed. "If you don't want it, I'll take it."
"It's mine now," she said haughtily. While he tried to figure out how to respond, she came right over to him in that crisp, efficient manner of hers. She put her arms around his neck. She kissed him once, clean and precise. It was so brief, so perfunctory that he thought it might be a parting gift. Something to remember her by. When Levi strained forward for more, she tilted her head away. Shit. "I'm still deciding," she said thoughtfully.
He imagined he'd explode if another minute of this passed.
"Fuck that."
Petra squealed as he lifted her into his arms and carried her across Erwin's room.
"What are you—?"
"If you don't want it, tell me to stop. Go on. Otherwise, you're going to be mine," he growled. His vision seemed to shake, his heart going so fast there were moments he could scarcely feel it. He stood over the bed with her still in his arms. "Well?"
She made a soft, incredulous noise. Then her eyes fluttered closed; she resigned herself to him.
"Levi," she whispered.
"That's right," he said, and tossed her onto the bed.
"Ow! Fuck!" Petra cried, yowling as she landed on a goddamn small pile of books. Levi swore as he knelt down, rolled her over, and started collecting the large, hardcover volumes that Erwin had decided to stack in the center of his mattress like a goddamn wild animal.
"Shit. Baby, I'm sorry. I can't believe that idiot. How does he live?" Levi put the books on the floor, then instinctively stacked them according to size. Erwin didn't have much space in here, for fuck's sake. What, did he forget he didn't have a maid? Tch. Once a rich brat, always a rich brat.
Petra rubbed at her tailbone as Levi climbed up onto the bed. He meant to seductively cuddle in close to her. Unfortunately, she shifted at the wrong moment and he landed neatly on top of her stomach.
"Ack!" That was a cry of pain. Fuck, was he going to end up accidentally murdering her before this was over?
"Sorry. Sorry." He gingerly rolled onto his side, propping himself up on his elbow. "You okay?"
"My stitches aren't out yet." She placed a hand on her stomach and sighed. "It's okay. It's just tender."
"Fuck. It'd be just like me to rupture your goddamn stomach," he muttered.
"Oh? Does this mean you're going to blame yourself and promise never to see me again so I don't get hurt?" She fluttered her lashes at him; what a bad parody of innocence.
"You," he snarled, leaning nearer.
"You," she repeated.
He kissed her. She kissed him back. And all the rest of it, all the shit evaporated. Petra gave a soft, delicate moan against his mouth. He moaned back. Slowly, he let his hand travel along her side to her shoulder, and then down just a tad to her breast. Levi felt himself harden as he squeezed. She was separated from his hand by only a thin layer of cloth…
"We can't," Petra said breathlessly. "What if Commander Erwin comes back?"
"He's kept me waiting this long," Levi muttered. He kissed the spot right between her eyebrows. Petra smelled of fading roses. Some new scent? Levi didn't tend to like roses, but he liked these. "We can keep ourselves occupied," he whispered against the curve of her cheek.
"I'm not having sex with you on this bed," she said daintily. "I couldn't if I wanted to. The stitches."
"How far can we go?"
"Kissing's good for me right now. For you?"
"Considering where we were twenty minutes ago, kissing's more than enough."
And it was. He kissed her, and she kissed him, and he forgot everything except her lips and tongue and breath. Eventually his hand slid from her breast to her skirt, which he rucked up to expose the soft line of her thigh. Levi laid his hand on that soft, delicate flesh, tracing circles with his fingertips. Petra moaned so audaciously as he touched her there, it was all he could do to remember they weren't fucking tonight.
"Please stop making those noises," he said hoarsely. She bumped her nose against his and kissed his chin.
"What'll you do if I don't obey? You're not my direct commanding officer anymore."
"Oh, you like this "executive aide to the Commander" thing. Don't you?"
Petra grinned. "It's got its benefits." She looked over at the table. "Get my topaz?"
He clambered off of her to get the stone, then came and lay back down beside her. He rested the jewel atop her chest, watched it rise and fall with her breathing. Petra touched it with those delicate fingers of hers.
"I, Petra Ral, solemnly swear to never marry you or have children with you or put our love before humanity," she said softly. "And I swear to never be with any other man."
"When you say it like that, it sounds—"
"True. That's why I like it." She nuzzled his cheek. "I was thinking about those few days in Mitras. They were perfect, but they weren't real. We're never going to be that free."
True. Those dreams of a house in the country with a sunlit window, of Petra and him running a tea shop together, those were fantasies of someone else's life. Maybe there was a strange, alternate universe out there where they owned some cute little café, but it was not this reality. Never would be.
"No. We can't be that free," he said.
"Maybe once in a while, just now and then, we can pretend to be those people? Like we have no big problems?" She looked at him with pleading eyes.
"Once in a while, yes. It'll get me through the bad times." He kissed her. Her body was so soft and warm beneath his, and so fragile. So easy to break her, to kill her. No matter how much he prepared to lose her, the idea of a titan smashing her like a fly, ending Levi's happiness in one quick movement, it was debilitating. "You working with Erwin has its perks, really. He almost never goes into the direct action. He'll keep you safe."
"I'll keep him safe," she said coyly. Petra giggled when he nipped her earlobe. "Don't hurt me," she said, a gentle plea, so unsure. He closed his eyes, pressed his forehead to hers.
"I won't. I swear."
"You really changed your mind about us just because you hated the idea of Yuri taking me to the bridge?"
Well, the Yuri thing hadn't helped, but…
"You've got to be patient with me, Petra. I'm not a good man." He traced a finger along her cheek. "A man like me doesn't deserve you. It's been hard getting past that."
"You are good," she murmured. She kissed his hand. "You're just far from perfect. But that's all right."
"Speaking of Yuri, shouldn't he be getting here soon? Maybe we should straighten up." And then I can tell him to fuck off because you're mine and it's his loss, the little shithead.
All right, maybe Levi was being a little territorial about Petra, but who could fucking blame him?
"Oh. Yuri. Um." Petra's awkward silence and deepening blush caught him off guard.
"Wait. Yuri's coming, isn't he?"
She winced. "I… I may have made up the part about having a date."
"You little shit." He grinned, too relieved to be mad. Petra screwed up her mouth.
"I felt so sad that we'd officially ended things, I didn't want to have to walk back to my room with you. It would've been too painful!"
"So there was nothing going on between you two? I should've known."
"Well…" Petra looked a bit smug. "He tried to kiss me last night."
Lightning splintered his body.
"Oh?" Levi said through his teeth. Petra scoffed.
"Don't look at me like that. I told him I wasn't ready to be with anyone."
"Still not ready?" He kissed down the line of her throat as Petra sighed.
"Miss Hange says there's an exception to every rule."
"Miss Hange's a dumbass, but she's a smart dumbass." He slid his leg between hers and molded himself over her as best he could, making sure not to put pressure on her stomach. Petra sighed in his embrace. "I nearly made the biggest mistake of my damn life," he mused.
"So did I." Petra shut her eyes. "I didn't tell you what I was going to say."
"Huh?" Then he remembered: during the parade in Mitras, when they'd still been on the outs with each other, she'd said there was something she wanted to tell him. "I assumed you wanted to say I was a fucking scumbag and you were better off without me."
"Honestly, I told myself that's what I would say. But it wasn't. Not really." She looked at him with tears welling in her eyes. "I really wanted to say…that the days I'd spent with you were the happiest of my life. And I don't want to be without you, even if it hurts worse to stay with you."
Neither of them had any ultimate say in how long they'd have together. In their line of work, no one could make guarantees. But then again, who could? Merchants could keel over from heart attacks; kings could drown in their own duck ponds. This whole shitty existence was a gamble. Better to sit down and play the hand you had.
"I'm going to drive you insane, kid. Not always in a good way. But I will never, ever hurt you like this again. You have my word. And I'm good for my word."
"I know." Petra sighed. She nuzzled. She kissed. And he kissed back. And they melted together, giving and taking from each other, losing time in each other's embrace. And Levi did not cry, because he did not ever cry, but he felt that warm lump in his chest that he hadn't known in decades. It was the feeling of safety. It was the promise of love that didn't have to be bought, that didn't require anything in order to simply exist. It was enough. He was enough for it. And that thought nearly undid him.
"Levi," Petra whispered, gasping as his hand slid a big further up her silken leg.
"Ah. Petra," he groaned.
The door swung open.
"Sorry I'm late, the time got away from m—oh my god," Erwin said.
The door swung shut on the picture of Erwin's best friend and his aide rolling on top of each other. In Erwin's bed.
It was kind of funny, really.
Levi glanced over his shoulder while Petra shrieked and fussed at her clothes. Hey. This is why it's important to always be on time.
"Erwin, get back in here. We're decent." Levi fluffed his cravat and smoothed down his hair as Erwin reentered. The tall man looked as chiseled and stoic as ever, so the bright blush plastered across his cheeks and forehead really was hilarious.
"I'm so sorry, sir," Petra squeaked.
"Not at all. I'm happy you're not fighting." Erwin made for the table, taking particular care not to look either of them in the eye. "At least, I hope that wasn't fighting," he murmured, then cursed as he tripped over the pile of books by his bed. "Levi. Could you please put these back where you found them?" Erwin glared at the captain, who just shrugged.
"Get another bookcase."
Petra moaned in soft horror, shielding her face behind her hands. Erwin's mouth twitched in a suppressed smile.
He put the books back on the bed by himself.
"So." Levi sat at the table. "You got a third cup, or what?"
"You sure about this?" Levi asked as Petra tugged at his arm. They left the barracks and crunched out into the moonlit snow. Levi cast his eyes up to Erwin's lighted window. He wondered if the Commander could see them now, Levi and his girl hustling off into the frigid dark on some idiotic romantic whim.
"I lied about going with Yuri, but the river's ice is beautiful in the moonlight." Petra snuggled close to him as they walked, and Levi forgot to be cold or tired. He kissed the side of her head, not giving a shit if any people or stray alley cats saw them. He wasn't going to flaunt this relationship—flaunting wasn't his style—but he sure as shit wasn't going to hide it, either. Petra hummed thoughtfully.
"What're you thinking about?"
"Commander Erwin," she said as they hurried towards the bridge.
"What about him?"
"We'd never have had that long conversation if it hadn't been for him, would we?"
No. They would not. Both Levi and Petra were too proud and nervous to approach the other like that. To force the other to sit in a room with no way to leave, simmering in unspoken feelings until they finally let it all out.
"Suppose not."
"He's like…" Petra grew thoughtfully silent as they wandered up onto the bridge. The ice glittered in the moonlight. Beautiful, even though the temperature was, like, one fucking degree. Levi's chin and the tip of his nose had gone numb. But with Petra in his arms, the cold wasn't all that noticeable.
"He's like what? Like a giant asshole for setting us up this way?"
"Like some good fairy in a story," she mused. Petra turned to him. Her eyes gleamed like jewels. Like the topaz now resting snug in her pocket. "He brought us back together."
"Erwin's a lot of things, Petra. But he's not some magic being who does sweet shit for the fun of it."
Petra tsked. He laid his hand against her cheek.
"You don't think he's a romantic at heart?" She fluttered her lashes as he went in to kiss her.
"I'm not thinking about him much right now."
As they kissed, a cloud covered the moon and the ice lost its sparkle. But neither of them noticed.
Erwin turned from his window when he saw Petra and Levi cross the barracks courtyard and head out on a walk. Honestly, a walk in the freezing cold? Madness.
Love could make a madman of anyone.
Erwin took the books from his bed and placed them in a pile next to his bookcase. He smiled as he glanced at the bed…then winced a little as he remembered Levi sprawled on top of the girl. At least they hadn't…done anything. To Erwin's knowledge.
He chuckled as he neatened up, readying himself for sleep. He put away the teacups. He hastily checked his portfolio of operetta sheet music: still in the right order. Good, Levi hadn't rifled through it to show Petra. That could be embarrassing.
Erwin was not above such human emotions as embarrassment. Or irritation.
Or love.
He smiled, alone in his room. He smiled at the chair where Levi had often sat to go over their battle plans. The chair where Levi would always sit. He would not leave.
And neither would Petra.
Erwin was not losing anything. Well, maybe that wasn't entirely true. He had lost Levi's undivided attention. He had lost that position of totality in his captain's life.
And Erwin Smith would miss it. He was man enough to admit that. Tonight, he'd given away something that he would not get back.
Erwin had gained a loyal aide tonight, at least. His instincts towards Ral after the episode in Mitras had been correct. She was more focused and fierce than he'd known.
Erwin had seen Levi's happiness with her, and for a moment there'd been that twinge of jealousy. Erwin knew that he himself would never experience that bliss. He'd chosen to give the possibility of such tenderness away many years ago.
Erwin had his moments of wistfulness, of doubt. Of sadness. He was only human, despite how he liked to present himself. Giving away Marie had been hard. Giving a part of Levi away was equally painful.
But Erwin would do it again if he had the choice. Because though he would never experience the kind of love that existed between his captain and aide, Erwin Smith was a man who loved deeply. He was a man who was loved deeply in return.
In that regard, he had no regrets at all.
Erwin poured water to wash, humming all the while.
Oh, I am a simple farmer and I till and tithe and toil…